Chapter 4: HookerBest SnailTusk

Author's note: Why does the title of this chapter sound like it should be getting sung by a picture of a pirate? Anyway, onto the chapter.

Dumbledore: *appearing in a deserted street with Harry* Well, we're here.

Harry: Where's here, exactly? And where is my stuff?

Dumbledore: I just told you, here. And your stuff is at The Burrow. Probably. Now come on, we need to meet your new teacher.

Harry: Yeah, I guess we should get a new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher.

Dumbledore: Who said it was Defence Against the Dark Arts?

Harry: What else could it be?

Dumbledore: …Potions?

Harry: As much as I'd like that, I doubt it.

Dumbledore: Aww, it's adorable that you think that.

Harry: Huh?

Dumbledore: Come on, let's go. He's currently living right… *sees the house they're in front of is completely trashed* …here. Huh, he seemed to be significantly more untidy than I remember him to be.

Harry: Part of the house is on fire, so I'm assuming he's been raided.

Dumbledore: I swear to God, if that man is dead, I'm going to kill him *storms into the house* HORACE! WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?!

Harry: *following him inside* I don't think a dead man's going to respond to you, and that's assuming his corpse is even here.

Dumbledore: Oh, I'll find him alright.

Harry: Whatever, I'll be waiting here for when you give up *sits on an armchair*

Armchair: Please get off my lap, child. I'm not Santa Claus.

Harry: Nah, this is pretty comfy.

Armchair *sigh* Okay, fine. I have other ways of getting you off.

Harry: Phrasing *armchair starts changing* Whoa, what the hell? *sees the armchair has changed into an old man* Yeah, you definitely needed to phrase that better.

Dumbledore: HORACE!

Slughorn: Oh, shit *tries to climb out the window*

Dumbledore: Oh no you don't *grabs Slughorn by the legs and pulls him back in* You're not going anywhere.

Slughorn: Including Hogwarts.

Dumbledore: Except for there.

Slughorn: I told you Albus, no.

Harry: Well, we tried. Let's go.

Slughorn: And who even is this… *sees Harry's scar* …HOLY SHIT!

Dumbledore: Yeah, I know, I'm pretty awesome.

Slughorn: No, I mean…you're teaching Harry Potter?

Harry: Yeah, I know, I'm pretty awesome.

Slughorn: The son of my favourite student ever, Lily Evans?

Harry: …I mean, I guess, but…

Dumbledore: She's dead, and it's all his fault.

Harry: Look, while you're not wrong, it's not exactly…

Dumbledore: Yes, it is, don't deny it.

Slughorn: Don't worry boy, I know the circumstances of your mother's passing.

Dumbledore: Aww, but I want to remind him about why his parents are dead, and that it's all his fault.

Slughorn: Don't worry, he's always like this.

Harry: Really? The first couple of years I knew him he seemed to just be a clueless old man. Then around my third year he just became an asshole, like he was a whole new person or something. I just assumed you knew the senile version of him.

Dumbledore: What are you implying? *pointing at Harry as he says this*

Harry: What the hell happened to your hand?

Dumbledore: *looking at his hand* Huh, I guess you could say it's a bit fucked up.

Slughorn: A bit?! Did you stick it in a deep frier or something?

Dumbledore: Sure, let's go with that.

Harry: How do either of you know what I deep frier is?

Dumbledore: Anyway, I'm going to rob you now *leaves the room and starts grabbing random objects*

Slughorn: Go ahead, it's not my house anyway.

Harry: Wait, what?

Slughorn: Yeah, it belongs to some random muggles.

Harry: You're a squatter?

Slughorn: I wouldn't say that, just that I'm living in a place that I'm not supposed to be.

Harry: Okay, thanks for clarifying that.

Slughorn: Anyway, I suppose Dumbledore brought you here to convince me to come back to Hogwarts, right?

Harry: Actually, I have no idea why he brought me here.

Slughorn: Well, forget it, because I'm not going.

Harry: Alright, fine by me.

Slughorn: I mean, I don't want to be yet another teacher to get killed at that school.

Harry: Wait, how many have there been? I knew about Quirrell, I might even have had a hand in that one, but I'm not aware of…

Slughorn: He just wants more teachers to join the Order so he can send them to slaughter.

Harry: Well then don't join the Order.

Slughorn: You can do that?

Harry: I don't know, maybe? He's crazy enough that he might even forget if he asked if to join if you're lucky.

Slughorn: Hmm…and I'd be teaching you?

Harry: Well, not to brag, but I've done pretty well at your subje…

Dumbledore: *with a big bag of valuable stuff over his shoulder* Harry, we're leaving *runs out the door*

Harry: Well, gotta go *follows Dumbledore out*

Slughorn: Wait, Albus, I'll do it.

Dumbledore: Do what?

Slughorn: I'll come back to teach this year.

Dumbledore: Oh…well, that's great, whoever you are. See you when school starts, I suppose. Come on Harry *grabs his arm and apparates*

Slughorn: I really hope this isn't because he knows about my darkest secret.

*at The Burrow*

Dumbledore: *apparating in with Harry* Do you think these people will buy any of this stuff?

Harry: I mean, Arthur might, but they don't have a lot of money.

Dumbledore: WHAT?! They're poor? Eww. Do you know how contagious that is?

Harry: Anyway, I'll just be heading in…

Dumbledore: Wait, I have something to tell you.

Harry: Whatever it is, I'm sure it's very upsetting.

Dumbledore: I just wanted to say…that Sirus's death was your fault.

Harry: Of course you did.

Dumbledore: Also, you're taking private lessons from me this year.

Harry: So you can torture me more?

Dumbledore: Damn right. Dumbledore out *flips Harry off with both hands as he apparates away*