Chapter 5: Too Much Snot

Harry: *opening the door* Hello Weasleys.

Molly: Damn it kid, it's one in the morning.

Tonks: Also, I'm not a Weasley.

Molly: Not yet you're not.

Tonks: I told you, I'm not into him like that.

Molly: Fine, how about Charlie?

Tonks: The dragon fucker? No way.

Molly: Then how about…

Tonks: Oh, would you look at the time, I have to go *runs outside*

Molly: GET BACK HERE YOUNG LADY!

Tonks: DID YOU JUST MISGENDER ME?!

Molly: If that's what it takes to get you to…

Tonks: No, it has the opposite effect *flips Molly off as she apparates away*

Molly: She'll be back.

Harry: I…assume I'm missing something here.

Molly: Oh, not much. Just that…

Arthur: *bursting through the door* Honey, I'm home.

Molly: *pulling her wand on him* Wait, you have to answer the question first.

Arthur: *seeing Molly pointing her wand at him* OH SHIT, I FORGOT OUR ANNIVERSARY AGAIN, DIDN'T I?!

Molly: *putting her wand away* Question answered.

Harry: What the hell?

Molly: Oh, just a security thing. Just in case a Death Eater disguises themself as Arthur to try and infiltrate the Order. I know that if I point my wand at him, he'll panic and say something stupid, so I know that's him.

Arthur: Well then, how do I know YOU'RE not a fake *points his wand at Molly, the wrong way around*

Molly: Well, ask me a question only I would know.

Arthur: Okay…what's 2+2?

Molly: 4.

Arthur: *puts his wand away* Yep, only my wife is smart enough to answer complex history questions like that.

Harry: So, you guys have security questions for each other, but you let me just walk through your door without checking I'm me?

Molly: That's because we figure if someone got close enough to get your hair for a Polyjuice Potion, they're probably close enough that they've caught you and given you to Him and killed you, and would therefore be bragging about it. So, the fact that you're here means He hasn't yet.

Harry: Huh, makes sense.

Molly: Great. Now, upstairs to bed. I've made Fred and George's room up for you.

Harry: Huh? Where are they?

Molly: Oh, they're sleeping at their store in Diagon Alley. Honestly, I don't know how they came into so much money, but when I find out…

Harry: Well, I better get to bed *runs up the stairs to the twins' room, only to see several of their products running rampant* What the…

Arthur: Oh, yeah, they do that from time to time. Just ignore them.

Harry: Really? I'm supposed to ignore the fireworks, loud music, and miniature zoo animals that they've created.

Arthur: It's okay, you can only hear them in this room.

Harry: Uh huh. And where am I supposed to be sleeping tonight?

Arthur: In here…well good luck *leaves*

Harry: Son of a bitch.

*the next morning*

Harry: *still asleep* I told you Cho, I can lick the Cheetos dust off my own fingers. Not that I mind, of course…

Ron: You hear that? He doesn't mind if I keep licking his fingers.

Hermione: He's asleep Ron. So asleep that he still thinks he's dating Cho.

Ginny: You're right, we need to wake him up.

Hermione: Ginny, he obviously got here very early in the morning. We should…

Ginny: Nope, this is an emergency *lights Harry's bed on fire with her mind*

Harry: *suddenly awake* SON OF A FUCK! *jumps out of bed* Did you really have to do that? *sees Ron and Ginny are stunned silent* Uh, guys? Are you okay?

Hermione: *covering her eyes and trying to stop from laughing* Uh, Harry? You do realise that Ginny burned your pyjamas off, right?

Harry: *looks down and sees he's naked* Of course she did *starts grabbing clothes*

Ron: No, no, no need for that.

Harry: There's every need for this.

Ginny: Actually, Ron's right.

Hermione: Ron's never right, and you can't argue that point.

Ginny: I…actually can't. Damn it.

Harry: *getting dressed, much to Ron and Ginny's disappointment* So, what have I missed?

Hermione: Oh, not much, just that Bill's getting married.

Harry: WHAT?! You mean…

Fleur: *bursting into Harry's room with breakfast* Yezz, me and Bill are to be wed *sees Harry is still half-naked, and that he's not the only person in the room* Okay, am I too late or too early for ze orgy?

Hermione: You realise those two are siblings, right?

Fleur: Never ztopped my people in the pazt.

Harry: Well, as interesting as that sounds…

Fleur: Really? Becauze I have plenty of photoz of the last family fuck fezt…

Harry: …maybe later. But is that what Mrs. Weasley was talking about with Tonks last night?

Fleur: Yezz, Molly…doez not approve of me.

Harry: Why not? You're fucking hot.

Ginny: She's WHAT?!

Ron: How can you say that about someone that isn't me?

Fleur: No, no, he's right…

Hermione: Narcissistic bitch.

Fleur: What I mean is, Bill is hot, and I am fucking him.

Hermione: Oh, never mind then.

Fleur: Though I can't deny I'm pretty hot myself.

Hermione: I take back my take back.

Fleur: Well, I gotta go. Unless you need a fifth for your orgy?

Hermione: That's not what we're…

Harry: We'll think about it *Fleur leaves*

Ginny: *glaring* Harry, if that dick ends up in anyone that isn't me…

Harry: For god's sake Ginny, you know I know you're a psychopath. What makes you think the two of us will ever be a thing?

Ginny: That's what you think…

Harry: What's that supposed to… *three thuds are heard against a downstairs window*

Molly: Kids, your OWLs are here.

Harry: Oh yeah, we had those last year, didn't we?

Hermione: How do you guys think we did?

Harry: I probably passed, you probably excelled, and Ron probably failed.

Hermione: Yeah, probably.

Ron: HEY! I'm sure I passed something.

Harry: You're right, as the main trio we have impenetrable plot armour and will always succeed at everything. We all passed.

*downstairs*

Harry: *reading his letter* Called it…aww, only an E in Potions?

Hermione: Why are you disappointed by that? You don't have to be in Snape's class now.

Harry: I kinda needed an O to become an Auror.

Ron: I can give you an O Harry…

Harry: Not the fucking time Ron.

Ron: That sounds exactly like a fucking time.

Harry: *sigh* Whatever, next chapter.