*playing Quidditch*
Ron: …and another goal for Team Weasley. Go us.
Harry: Damn it Hermione, you need to catch those.
Hermione: It doesn't help that the rest of you actually PLAY the sport, you know.
Harry: Can you really call what Ron does playing?
Ginny: And yet, you're still losing.
Molly: Kids, school supply lists are in.
Harry: So we're going to Diagon Alley soon?
Molly: I suppose we have to. I might as well see how Fred and George are going after squandering their education.
Ginny: Aren't they extremely successful?
Molly: And I still don't understand that. How did they even afford the lease on the shop?
Harry: Uh… *grabs the Daily Prophet off the table* Hey, apparently Karkaroff was killed.
Molly: Yeah, I'm actually impressed he lasted this long. All the ex-Death Eaters generally don't last long. Even Sirius's brother Regulus only lasted a few days.
Harry: Sirius had a brother?
Molly: Yeah, but he's not going to be important later.
Ron: Hey Harry, why is your package bulkier than mine?
Harry: You mean envelope.
Ron: I know what I said.
Harry: *opening his letter* Huh, apparently I'm Quidditch captain now.
Ron: That's great, now you can use the same bathroom with me.
Harry: You mean same bathroom as you.
Ron: I know what I said.
*Saturday, being driven to the Leaky Cauldron*
Arthur: It's a good thing the Ministry brainwashed these muggles so that all they can think is to go straight to the Leaky Cauldron.
Molly: They're going to be okay, right?
Arthur: Not a Ministry concern right now.
Harry: Muggles seem like poor security against the most powerful dark wizard of all time.
Arthur: Don't worry Harry. The Ministry made sure you would have extra security today.
Harry: Really? I'm going to be shopping surrounded by redshirts?
Arthur: No, just one.
Harry: That…sounds like poor security.
Arthur: No it doesn't, there he is now *points to the middle of the road*
Harry: Wait, is that… *car slams into their security*
Hagrid: OI! Get off the pavement.
Hermione: Hagrid, you're in the middle of the street.
Hagrid: And it's the only thing these muggles 'ave made that's wide enough fer me to walk doon, so it's my pavement.
Harry: To be fair, how many muggles can even grow to eleven and a half feet?
Hagrid: Not mah problem *notices the car is still trying to plough through him* Is…he okay? He does knoo I ain't moving, right?
Harry: Knowing the Ministry, he'll likely… *Hagrid moves out of the way, causing the car to shoot off down the road uncontrollably, smashing into several cars and causing untold amounts of damage* …be dead.
Hermione: We should leave.
Hagrid: Agreed. I doon't need tah be implicated f'r another car accident.
Ron: Come on Harry, we should get some more robes.
Harry: I don't really need any.
Ron: But I do, and I want to see you naked.
Harry: Look, if you want to go clothes shopping, you should take Hermione.
Hermione: *eyes narrowing* Why me?
Harry: Because…you know…
Hermione: Know what?
Harry: Because…uh…you're a woma… *gets slapped through several buildings and landing in Madame Malkin's robe shop*
Ron: That's the spirit Harry.
Malkin: Damn it, I have a door, you know?
Harry: Not my fault.
Hermione: Kinda was.
Malkin: Look, just fix that wall so I can finish with my current customer.
Ron: Why? Who else is here?
Draco: Will you people shut up? Trying to get new robes here.
Ron: *angry* Malfoy…
Draco: Oh God, they let peasants in here now?
Narcissa: Draco, no need to be rude.
Draco: Why shouldn't I be? I don't want to catch a case of poor.
Narcissa: Hmm, good point. We should go to Twilfitt and Tattings instead. They wouldn't let street trash in their store *leaves with Draco*
Malkin: Twilfitt and Tattings, more like Twishit and Twattings. HA! Got 'em.
Ron: Um, excuse me, can I get…
Malkin: Are you still here? You already cost me a sale, get the fuck out.
Harry: Wouldn't it make more sense to at least get a sale out of…
Malkin: I SAID GET THE FUCK OUT! *throws them out*
Harry: Didn't she used to want to ship me with Malfoy? Eh, whatever. Should we go find the twin's store?
Hermione: You mean that one? *points to a brightly lit store down the street*
Harry: Of course that's what it looks like *heads in with the others*
Fred: Hello, Harry.
Ron: I'm here too.
George: We see you, we don't care.
Harry: So, how's business?
Fred: Well, as it turns out, when the world's gone to shit, everyone just wants to be entertained, so we're making a killing.
Hermione: I can't believe it.
George: Well, you should. Just look at what happened with Netflix during COVID.
Fred: We're doing so much business, we had to hire employees.
Harry: Wait, you have paid employees here?
Fred: Well, employees, yes.
Harry: Sounds about right.
Ron: Hey, how much for this stuff?
George: 25 galleons.
Ron: WHAT?! But the price tag says 10.
Fred: Yeah, but you're our brother, so we have to charge extra.
Hermione: Doesn't it normally go the other way?
George: Yeah, but we'll need to recoup our losses for whatever Harry gets.
Harry: Huh?
Fred: Harry funded us with his Triwizard winnings, so he can have whatever he wants for free, no questions asked.
Molly: Is that so?
Harry: Uhh…hey, what does this stuff do?
George: Peruvian Instant Darkness Powder, good for escaping nasty situations.
Harry: Excellent *throws a handful on the ground*
Molly: DON'T LET HIM GET AWAY!
Ron: Don't worry, I've got him.
Hermione: That's me you idiot.
Harry: Yeah, I'm over here…I mean, quack?
Molly: GET HIM, HE'S SECRETLY A DUCK ANIMAGUS!
Ron: I'll get him, don't worry.
Hermione: You know he's probably already escaped, right?
*outside*
Harry: *under the invisibility cloak* Ah, that was close.
Hermione: What was close, Harry?
Harry: What the hell? How'd you find me?
Hermione: You're invisible, not mute.
Ron: I'm under the cloak with.
Harry: Yes, I know. Hands off.
Ron: How else am I supposed to drag you back to my mum?
Harry: *sigh* Just… *sees Draco across the street* Hey, look, Malfoy's being suspicious. We should see what he's doing.
Hermione: How's he being suspicious? He's literally just here to buy school supplies, like most of the other people here today.
Harry: Really? In Knockturn Alley?
Hermione: …they might have something school related there.
Harry: They don't, trust me. Come on, let's see what he's doing.
Ron: But I need to drag you back to my mum.
Hermione: Ron, even you should know that it's difficult to drag someone from that position.
Ron: I can dream, can't I?
*in Knockturn Alley*
Harry: There he is, in Borgin and Burkes *sees him talking to the shopkeeper* What do you think he's saying?
Ron: We can find out. I got these from Fred and George's shop *holds out some extendable ears*
Hermione: When did you have time to pay for those?
Ron: Pay?
Harry: Good enough for me *uses one to hear inside*
Draco: Damn it man, I need this thing fixed.
Borgin: I keep telling you, we don't know where it…
Draco: I don't care, just fix the damn thing. Or do I need to bring this into it *shows Borgin something on his arm*
Borgin: *sigh* Fine, whatever, you're probably just going to kill me anyway *Draco leaves* Fucking douchebag.
Harry: Huh, guess Draco's a Death Eater now.
Hermione: You can't possibly know that.
Harry: He just showed him something on his arm. What else could it possibly…
Fred: THERE HE IS! STOP THIEF!
Ron: Uhh…it was Harry?
Harry: No it wasn't.
George: Found him for you mum.
Molly: GET OVER HERE!
Harry: …uh oh…
