Molly: I don't know what you were so worried about. I just wanted to show my appreciation for looking out for the twins.
Harry: Is that why you chained me up?
Molly: It's so that you can't get into any trouble before school starts.
Harry: Generally, the trouble comes to me, and there's no competent adults around to help, so I have to deal with it.
Molly: Uh huh. And where was McGonagall in all these instances?
Harry: …around, most of the time…wait, why didn't you say Dumbledore?
Molly: Because Dumbledore has a 50/50 chance of letting things get further out of hand before he does anything, whereas McGonagall will nip it in the bud so hard that the people responsible won't try ANYTHING again.
Harry: Huh…good to see I'm not the only one who sees that she's actually good at her job.
Molly: Exactly. Now, stay exactly where you are for the next few days so we know you're okay, and just ring that bell if you need me to refill your water bowl *dumps a dog bowl full of water in front of him, just barely out of reach*
Harry: Well that's inconvenient.
Ron: It's okay Harry, we can spend a LOT of time together.
Harry: And now it's Hell.
Hermione: Look, while Ron does…that to you…
Harry: And why are you just letting him do this?
Hermione: …do you want to talk about what happened in Diagon Alley?
Harry: You mean how Malfoy's a Death Eater?
Ron: You can't prove that.
Harry: What the hell else could it possibly be?
Hermione: How often have your theories proven to be right?
Harry: You're still salty I nearly got us killed at the Department of Mysteries, aren't you?
Ron: And successfully got Sirius killed.
Harry: Don't you fucking start. Also, he isn't dead, just stuck in the past.
Hermione: Look, Harry, as much as you'd like to believe that's true of Malfoy…
Harry: Because it is.
Hermione: …I highly doubt he's joined the equivalent of the Nazis over the summer.
Harry: How about this then: when I'm proven right…
Hermione: If.
Harry: …you can stop sulking about nearly getting killed at nearly dying last year.
Hermione: Fine, but only because you're wrong, not because that's a reasonable request.
Harry: Oh, I'll prove it, one way or ano…WILL YOU STOP ALREADY?!
Ron: No *continues what he was doing*
*the day of the Hogwarts Express*
Harry: Oh goodie, more brainwashed muggles to drive us places.
Arthur: I know, right? And there's so many of them that we never have to worry about running out of them.
Hermione: Um, weren't we supposed to stop there?
Ron: Of course not. We're supposed to get out when we're on the train tracks, like the driver's doing.
Harry: Guess we need to tuck and roll *dives out of the car*
Ron: *as the others dive out of the car* Fine, don't let the driver do what he's being paid to do *dives out too*
Arthur: Wait, we're supposed to pay them?
Hermione: Well, how were you supposed to compensate them? *watches as the car drives onto the tracks, only to get obliterated by an oncoming train*
Harry: Like that, I assume.
Molly: Come on kids, let's get on the platform while everyone's distracted by all that burning wreckage.
Ginny: Aww, but I want to watch the pretty flames *something explodes, causing people to scream in terror* Look, everyone's so excited.
Harry: Don't worry, you'll be able to cause all the terror and destruction you want once we're away from the muggles.
Ginny: I suppose you're right. Muggles don't know what's happening to them when I do things to them, but wizards do. The knowing makes their fear all the more sweet *runs through the barrier to Platform 9 ¾*
Harry: I wonder how quickly she'll start that terror *runs through the barrier, and sees everything's on fire* She does work fast.
Hermione: Well, me and Ron have to go to the prefect carriage.
Ron: Aww, do we have to?
Harry: Yes, please take him.
Hermione: Come on Ron *drags him away by his ear*
Ron: Aww… *looks sadly back at Harry*
Arthur: Okay, onto the train you go.
Harry: Wait, can I talk to you for a moment?
Arthur: Sure Harry, why wouldn't I want to give you some fatherly advice?
Harry: Uh huh…anyway, you work for the Ministry, right?
Arthur: Oh no. Harry, have you got amnesia and forgotten what my job is?
Harry: I'll take that as a yes. Anyway, I think Malfoy's up to something.
Arthur: Silly Harry, Lucius Malfoy's in Azkaban right now.
Harry: First of all, that's probably not going to hold him long. Second, I was referring to Draco. He was acting suspiciously in Diagon Alley the other day.
Arthur: But Harry, he's on his way to Hogwarts. That's Dumbledore's jurisdiction. The government has never been allowed to interfere with the school.
Harry: Yeah, that's never happened. Look, can you just keep an eye on things back here? Maybe raid his house or something?
Arthur: Raiding a rich person's house and claiming the expensive stuff is "suspicious"? Absolutely I'll do that.
Harry: Not quite what I had in…
Arthur: Okay, onto the train you go *yeets Harry through the train window*
Luna: Hi Harry.
Harry: Oh, hi Luna.
Neville: I'm here too.
Harry: Nobody cares Neville.
Neville: Hey, I fought alongside you guys at the Department of Mysteries, and survived longer than most of the others.
Harry: And did an awful job as meatshield, which is what you were supposed to be doing. Besides, did you fight the embodiment of evil while you were there? Didn't think so.
Luna: But Harry, Ginny was on our side.
Harry: That's…actually a good point.
Ron: *bursting into the compartment* You'll never guess who wasn't in the prefect carriage.
Harry: Aren't you supposed to still be there?
Hermione: *coming up behind him* Yes he is. Come on Ron *starts dragging him away*
Ron: But Hermione, I wanted to tell him about how Malfoy wasn't in the prefect carriage.
Harry: Huh, I'd say that helps my case.
Hermione: How?
Harry: You know, by acting too good for the school. Like he's got something else planned for next year.
Neville: Do you have any idea what they're talking about?
Luna: No idea.
Hermione: That proves nothing. Also, Slughorn asked if you two could join him for lunch *points at Harry and Neville*
Neville: Really? Me?
Harry: Really? Him?
Hermione: Yeah, I don't know either.
Harry: Well, come on Luna *gets up to go*
Neville: But I was the one invited.
Harry: Yeah, but I'm sure Slughorn just made a mistake.
Luna: It's okay, Neville can go instead of me. I've got to make sure Ginny's wrath of terror from earlier didn't traumatise too many people anyway *floats out of the room*
Neville: I don't understand how she's so immune to her.
Harry: You just have to learn to stand up to her in a way that makes her respect you rather than want to kill you.
Neville: Really?
Harry: Nah, I have no idea what keeps her from wanting to kill people.
Neville: Damn it.
*in Slughorn's carriage*
Slughorn: Ah, Harry, welcome. And Mr. Longbottom too, excellent.
Harry: Why address me by my first name, but not Neville?
Ginny: Because that's what I told him to do.
Neville: OH GOD SHE'S HERE! *dives out the window*
Ginny: Oh no you don't *pulls him back in with her mind*
Neville: May I be excused?
Slughorn: But you only just got here. Besides, I haven't introduced you to everyone else yet.
Harry: Yeah, who are these people?
Slughorn: Well, there's Miss Weasley here…
Harry: Besides her.
Slughorn: Well, you must know your classmate Blaise Zabini here…
Harry: Who?
Blaise: I've been in your Potions class since we started Hogwarts.
Harry: I think I would remember if Malfoy was hanging around a black guy.
Blaise: You really think I hang around with that asshat?
Harry: Oh, sorry. I just assumed that…you know…
Blaise: Know what?
Harry: You know, because you're in Slytherin, you'd be…
Blaise: Just because I'm in Slytherin I must be friends with Malfoy?
Harry: …I mean…
Blaise: That's just racist man. His whole stance of being anti-mudblood is so similar to the racism my people have faced that I identify with them too much to side with him.
Harry: Sorry, I just…
Blaise: You know what? I should just join Malfoy's crowd out of spite for you.
Neville: Good going Harry.
Slughorn: …well, after that bit of awkwardness, I wonder if you've met my other guests: Cormac McLaggen or Marcus Belby?
Harry: I am literally going to forget their names the second I walk out of here.
Cormac: Hey, I was going to be Keeper for the Gryffindor team last year.
Harry: Really? And why weren't you?
Cormac: …doxy egg poisoning.
Harry: Yeah, I suppose they can get their eggs in hard to notice places. Likely you didn't realise they were there until… *sees Cormac's face* …you ate them intentionally, didn't you?
Cormac: They looked so tasty.
Harry: Of course they did *turns to Belby* And you?
Belby: Nah, I'm not important.
Harry: Excellent. So, why are…
Slughorn: Not important? Why Belby, your Uncle Damocles created the Wolfsbane Potion. Great for helping those infected with lycanthropy.
Belby: My uncle who?
Slughorn: Oh, you don't know him?
Belby: Not really. My dad doesn't really talk about his or my mother's siblings.
Slughorn: Oh, well you're boring then.
Ginny: Would you like me to remove him? *holds a knife menacingly*
Harry: Well, that'll get some complaints if people get the reference.
Slughorn: Now, tell me Cormac, you…
Harry: Wait, we're not going to go through everyone here, are we?
Slughorn: But of course. All of you are important in your own little…
Harry: Skip.
Slughorn: But Harry, we haven't gotten to you being the Chosen…
Harry: I SAID SKIP!
*next scene*
Harry: Thank you *sees he's under his invisibility cloak and in the Slytherin carriage* Wait, how the hell did I get here?
Draco: Did you guys hear something?
Crabbe: Gah.
Goyle: Duh.
Draco: Yeah, you're probably right.
Blaise: I'm still impressed you can understand those idiots.
Pansy: I'm impressed they made it past their OWLs.
Draco: And I'm impressed they're not still first years. But enough about them. Zabini, what did this Professor Slughorn want?
Blaise: He just wanted to rub elbows with the children of elite wizards.
Draco: I suppose having a father imprisoned is what got me rejected?
Blaise: Probably. Also, Longbottom was there.
Draco: *glaring* …your next words better be 'as a waiter' and not…
Blaise: As a guest.
Draco: OH, COME THE FUCK ON!
Blaise: Also, the Weasley girl.
Draco: I suppose there is something Satanic about her. Any idea what it might have been?
Blaise: Probably possessed by an ultimate evil, as you said. He said it reminded him of someone, then looked concerned before changing the subject.
Pansy: Wait, so why were you invited?
Blaise: Oh, probably because my mum's rich and beautiful and has been widowed seven times.
Draco: Uh…huh…and no-one's suspicious of her?
Blaise: Why would they? People fall into woodchippers all the time. She was just unlucky that it happened to all seven of her rich husbands.
Draco: …right…well, sucks that we have to go back to school, right?
Pansy: What are you talking about? We go to a school that teaches us how to use dangerous magic that we can do almost whatever we want with. What sucks about that?
Draco: You can't really be wanting to do another two years of this.
Pansy: Why? What did you have in mind?
Draco: Oh, I don't know, maybe joining Voldemort's followers.
Harry: *thinking* Why was there no thundercrack there?
Pansy: They'd never take a sixteen-year-old, you know.
Draco: You don't know that. I mean, they let my father join them.
Blaise: When he was already an adult.
Draco: Are you still here?
Pansy: Draco, you're talking like you're already a member of the Death Eaters.
Draco: Maybe I am.
Pansy: Are you? *train suddenly stops*
Draco: Oh, we're at Hogwarts. You guys go ahead, I have to check something.
Blaise: What could you possibly have to check? We've been in this carriage for the past two hours. If there was something wrong, someone would have…
Draco: I SAID LEAVE! *the others leave, all grumbling*
Harry: *thinking* What the hell is he…
Draco: I know you're here, Potter.
Harry: …well, fu…
Draco: *drawing wand* Petrificus Totalus! *hits Harry, knocking out of the luggage rack* I honestly don't know how you fit up there. But anyway… *kicks Harry in the face* Hmm, that was fun *proceeds to kick him several more times* Ah, that was therapeutic *picks up Harry's invisibility cloak, and drapes it over him* Back to London you go *leaves*
Harry: *thinking* Hmm, it seems I'm in quite the predicament.
