Chapter 8: Severus Wins

Harry: *singing* 99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer. Take one down and pass it around, 98 bottles of beer on the wall. 98 bottles of beer on the wall, 98 bottles of beer. Take one down and pass it around, 97 bottles of beer on the wall. 97 bottles of beer on the wall, 97 bottles of… *compartment door suddenly opens* Finally, something's happening.

Tonks: There you are, Harry *takes his invisibility cloak off and sees his face* What the hell happened to you?

Harry: Did you know Malfoy hates being spied on? And if he catches you doing so, he kicks the shit out of you?

Tonks: To be fair, most people don't appreciate being spied on.

Harry: Well, it's his fault for being suspicious.

Tonks: How is he suspicious? Did he kill someone in Electrical?

Harry: Did Kieran seriously just make that same fucking Among Us joke in both his Abridged series? Within a month of each other, no less?

Tonks: Blame real life busyness for the lack of creativity. Alright, get up. We've got to get you to school.

Harry: But Malfoy put the bodybinding curse on me.

Tonks: And yet, your lips are still flapping. Get up.

Harry: *stands up* Huh, okay.

Tonks: Now, let's fix that nose up *pulls out wand*

Harry: Oh, there's a spell for… *Tonks shoves her wand up Harry's nose and straightens Harry's nose with her bare hand* AHHHHHHHHHHH! Jesus Christ, woman, what are you… *realises what he called her* …oops…

Tonks: *slaps Harry so hard he goes through the wall of the train and onto the platform* Ah, that feels better.

Harry: Not for me. You unfixed my nose.

Tonks: Hold on, I'll fix it again *holds her wand ready*

Harry: No, no, that's oka… *Tonks shoves her wand up Harry's nose again and starts straightening it again* GOD DAMN IT WOMAN! …uh oh…

Tonks: *sighing* You never learn, do you *slaps Harry down the path towards Hogwarts*

*near the Hogwarts gates*

Harry: …for the last time, I don't want you to fix my… *Tonks shoves her wand up Harry's nose yet again* FOR FUCK'S SAKE WOMAN…oh, God damn it…

Tonks: This never gets old *slaps Harry so hard he gets airborne. However, as he's about to go over the fence around Hogwarts, he gets electrocuted, as though he's in a bug zapper*

Harry: *hitting the ground* What the hell was that?

Tonks: Oh yeah, they've stepped up security this year.

Harry: More like they actually HAVE security. So, I guess I'm stuck out here until morning?

Tonks: No, someone's coming from the castle. Here they are *indicates towards the incoming figure*

Harry: Oh, you've got to be fucking kidding me.

Snape: What's wrong, Potter?

Harry: Oh, don't act like you haven't been an asshole to me for the last five years.

Snape: Well, that's not nice, Potter. And after I came out here to collect you. Fifty points from Gryffindor.

Harry: Term hasn't even started yet.

Snape: And that's another twenty for trying to make me look bad.

Tonks: Yeah Harry, you know for a fact that Snape's on our side, and wouldn't even think of being evil again.

Snape: Quiet young lady, I don't need you to speak for me.

Tonks: LADY?! Why I oughta… *tries to slap Snape through the fence, only to get electrocuted as well and end up flying backwards*

Harry: I think she deserved that.

Tonks: She?

Harry: Oh crap *dives the other side of the gates and closes them, just as Tonks hits them and gets electrocuted again*

Snape: Disrespecting a woman, Potter? That's another ten points.

Tonks: WOMAN?! *comes at them again, and gets electrocuted again*

Harry: Well, that was fun.

Snape: Quiet, Potter. I'm going to make sure everyone sees you come in late, since you clearly did this just to make an entrance.

Harry: I have no intention of making an entrance.

*as they reach the Great Hall*

Harry: WHAT'S UP, BITCHES! *thunderous applause* See Snape? You can't touch me.

Snape: *muttering* Son of a bitch.

Dean: Hey everyone, Harry's here. And he's making a grand entrance.

Seamus: Duh, he's the chosen one. And that doesn't excuse you from giving me all the juicy details about you and Ginny.

Dean: For the last time, she's just trying to date me to make Potter jealous. If you want juicy details about my sex life, I'm more than happy to tell you about the Patil twins.

Seamus: You've already given me all those details. I want to hear about the redhead. Now, is it true that the carpet matches the drapes with them?

Neville: Is this really appropriate dinner conversation?

Dean and Seamus: Shut up Neville.

Harry: *sitting down with Ron and Hermione* So, what did I miss?

Hermione: The sorting ceremony, and dinner. The better question is: where the fuck were you, and why are you covered in blood?

Harry: I notice you're not asking why Ginny's covered in blood.

Ginny: *licking some of the blood off her arm* Oh, like you don't know.

Ron: But seriously Harry, where were you? You missed our dinner date.

Harry: I was getting irrefutable proof that Malfoy is a Death Eater.

Hermione: Whatever it is, I'm sure it's not what you think.

Harry: Oh yeah? Well, what about when he said talked about not feeling like coming back to school? Or how he implied to Pansy Parkinson that he'd already joined the Death Eaters? Is that proof enough for you?

Hermione: Circumstantial evidence, at best.

Ron: Speaking of Sir Cum…

Harry: Ron, put it away.

Ron: Aww… *zips himself back up as Dumbledore starts talking*

Dumbledore: Alright, everyone shut the fuck up, I have announcements to make.

Harry: I swear to God, if he brings up Sirius again…

Dumbledore: First of all, I'd like to remind Harry Potter that his godfather is dead because of his actions.

Harry: MOTHERFUCKER!

Dumbledore: Also, Slughorn is here to take up his old job.

Ron: Guess we'll see how good of a teacher he is.

Harry: I mean, he seemed a bit afraid of Death Eaters. I'm not sure how good he'll be at…

Dumbledore: That's right, Professor Slughorn will be your new Potions teacher.

Harry: …what?

Dumbledore: And Defence Against the Dark Arts will be taught by Professor Snape.

Harry: WHAT?!

Dumbledore: So…yeah, let that sink in, I'm going to bed *apparates out of there*

Harry: Well, this year already sucks. At least nothing else bad or awkward can happen.

Hagrid: 'ey kids, guess I'll see you guys bright an' early for class. Well, see ya *leaves*

Harry: …please tell me one of you two are doing Care of Magical Creatures *Ron and Hermione shake their heads* …uh oh…