Harry: We should probably check up on Hagrid. You know, since all of us dropped his class with no explanation.
Hermione: Surely he realised it when he saw the class list and we weren't on it. Or anyone else for that matter.
Harry: Do you really believe that?
Hermione: …no.
Ron: What's the point? We haven't seen him in a while, he's probably dead *gets gut punched by Harry*
Harry: Too. Fucking. Soon.
Ron: *wheezing* But Harry, if you hurt me, I won't make the Quidditch team this year.
Harry: You make that sound like a bad thing.
Hermione: Looking over your list, it looks like you have a lot of applicants.
Harry: I know. I don't know why the team's so popular this year.
Hermione: Maybe because you're the captain.
Harry: I know, I am pretty awesome.
Hermione: No, as in everyone knows you've fought Voldemort *thundercrack* twice in the last two years and survived both times.
Harry: You make that sound like it isn't awesome.
Hermione: You really believe your own hype, don't you?
Harry: I am the hype *a large solid package lands in front of him and another in front of Ron* Ah, the new Potions books must be here.
Hermione: Oh good, so you won't have to keep using…
Harry: Don't worry, I planned for this *pulls out of wand and Half-Blood Prince's book* Diffindo *new book falls apart* Reparo *old book repairs itself somewhat* There, now Slughorn will never know.
Hermione: I could tell him.
Harry: You won't.
Hermione: …don't call me out like that *starts reading the Daily Prophet*
Ron: Anyone we know dead?
Hermione: No, but Stan Shunpike's been arrested.
Harry: …the guy from the Knight Bus? Really?
Hermione: Yeah, it says here he wanted revenge on a member of the Order who tortured him because he assumed her gender. Oh gee, I wonder who he means.
Ron: Silly Hermione, you were there for that. Tonks even accidentally sprayed you with some of his blood.
Hermione: Ron, I was being sarcas… *Ginny suddenly appears from a dark cloud*
Ginny: What's this about spraying blood?
Harry: Not now Ginny, I've got to get Quidditch tryouts.
Ginny: Ooh, I like your method of player elimination. I'll come with.
Harry: It's not like I could stop you anyway.
*at Quidditch tryouts*
Harry: Wow, there are more people here than I thought. Like, more than I think there are in Gryffindor.
Student 1: To be fair, I'm pretty sure those guys are Hufflepuff.
Harry: *sighing* Okay, all Hufflepuffs leave the field.
Student 2: But we didn't make the Hufflepuff team.
Harry: Not my problem, now get lost *Hufflepuffs leave the field* Okay, now…
Student 3: What if we're in Ravenclaw?
Harry: What the fuck do you think? *nothing happens* That's your cue to leave.
Student 3: You didn't say that though.
Harry: You're in Ravenclaw. You're supposed to be smart.
Ginny: Would you like me to…
Harry: No.
Ginny: You don't even know what I was going to ask.
Harry: Does it involve homicide?
Ginny: No.
Harry: Huh…weird change for…
Ginny: It involves genocide.
Harry: There it is.
Student 4: Can we start training now?
Harry: You look very small for a second year.
Student 4: That's because I'm a first year.
Harry: I didn't think first years could join the team. Eh, whatever, they'll be good target practice for the beaters when we get to that.
Student 4: Say what?
Hermione: Actually, they just can't own a broom.
Harry: And yet, McGonagall bought me the most expensive broom on the market because…no seriously, that seems like a serious breach of the rules.
Ginny: Can we start?
Harry: Sure. Everyone except Ginny get in the air, then those of you that Ginny doesn't send tumbling to the ground get to be on the team.
Ginny: Ooh, I like this *immediately targets all the first years*
Lavender: *from the stands* Good luck Ron.
Harry: The fuck is she doing here?
Ginny: Her job.
Harry: Say what?
Ginny: Nothing *continues torturing first years*
Hermione: You do bring up a good point. Why is she suddenly showing an interest in Ron? She hasn't shown any interest in him the whole time we've been at school.
Harry: She's hardly been a character this whole time. Not to mention…it's Ron. Like…it's Ron. The least popular guy in our year in Gryffindor.
Hermione: What about Neville?
Harry: …ooh, that's a tough call actually.
Ginny: Hey, I've narrowed the field for you.
Harry: You didn't just wipe out enough of them to make a team?
Ginny: I can if you want.
Harry: No, I might as well act like a captain.
Ginny: Spoilsport.
Harry: Okay, who's here to be a Chaser?
Ginny: Me.
Katie: Me too.
Harry: Okay, good. Anyone else? *silence*
Ginny: Hold on a moment *focuses on a body on the ground, bringing it back to life* There, you've got a third Chaser.
Demelza: *confused* What's going on? Why am I alive again?
Harry: Hey, you wanna join the Quidditch team?
Demelza: I don't even know how I got here. One minute I was watching from the stands, the next I was in searing pain, then…
Ginny: He said that you're joining the Quidditch team.
Demelza: I thought he was aski… *sees her robes starting to smoulder* …err, I mean, sure. I'll join, I guess.
Harry: Excellent. Now, for the Beaters…
Seamus: You called?
Harry: …Seamus? Really? You want to join the team?
Seamus: What team?
Harry: The Quidditch team. Why, what did you think we were here for?
Seamus: You said beating, and I assumed…
Harry: Say no more, get off the field.
Seamus: Can't I just…
Harry: No.
Seamus: Spoilsport *leaves*
Harry: So, with that sorted…
Hermione: You didn't pick anyone.
Harry: *pointing at two random kids* You'll do.
Ritchie: But I'm here to try out for Keeper.
Harry: *throwing him a club* Not anymore, you're not.
Cormac: I see you saved the best for last.
Harry: I'm sorry, who are you?
Cormac: It's me *Harry stares at him blankly* Cormac McLaggen *Harry continues to stare at him blankly* We met in the Slug Club *Harry continues to stare at him blankly* Slughorn talked about how my Uncle Tiberius goes Nogtail hunting of the Minister…
Harry: Listen, I'm not going to remember you, so just get in the air with Ron so the Chasers can start pegging quaffles at you.
Ron: Speaking of pegging…
Harry: NO!
Cormac: You don't care that I'm doing this just to impress your friend Hermione, right? *winks at her*
Hermione: Eww.
Harry: Agreed. Also, I don't care, just block those damn goals.
*during the Keeper tryouts*
Harry: Huh, this McLaggen guy isn't too bad. He's saved four out of four goals so far. Maybe I should… *watches McLaggen go the wrong way for the last goal* Eh, still better than what Ron's going to do.
Ron: Hey Harry, check it out.
Harry: *seeing Ron holding all five quaffles in front of the goals* …how?
Ron: I'm just that good.
Harry: No. No you're not. Hell, that last one's on fire.
Ginny: I did that.
Harry: I never doubted it.
Ron: *currently on fire* Is it getting a little warm here?
Harry: *heavy sigh* Fine, whatever, Ron's our Keeper.
Cormac: Hey, that's not fair.
Harry: Uh, Cormac…
Cormac: You're just doing this because he's your friend.
Harry: No, I'm really…
Cormac: Well, I'll show you *charges*
Harry: Cormac, you're… *Cormac runs headfirst into a goalpost, in the wrong direction to Harry* …not even facing me. And he saved all his goals, and you didn't, for some reason.
Ginny: I didn't even do anything to that guy.
Harry: Yeah, it's like he's under a Confundus Charm or something.
Hermione: *sheepishly* Who would do such a thing?
Harry: Hermione, what did you do?
Hermione: Nothing you can prove.
Harry: Eh, whatever. We'll meet for training next Thursday?
Jimmy: But I've got…
Harry: Excellent, I'll see you all then.
*after tryouts*
Harry: Well, that was fun. Let's see Hagrid then.
Ron: Do you think he'll want to see us, after we dropped his class?
Harry: Of course he will. Why wouldn't he? *knocks on his door*
Hermione: Somehow, I think he'll be a bit upset at us.
Harry: What, the guy who's half-giant, a species known for its uncontrollable rage and aggression, being upset with us? Why would he…
Hermione: Uh, Harry?
Harry: He's right behind me, isn't he?
Hagrid: *thumping Harry into the ground* What are ye doin' here, TRAITORS?
Hermione: Aww, come on Hagrid, don't be like that…
Hagrid: How should I be then, TRAITOR?!
Hermione: Hagrid, I swear, we just couldn't find a way to fit your class in with everything else we have to do…
Hagrid: Well, you didn' try 'ard enough, TRAITOR!
Ron: Actually, I didn't try at… *gets slapped by Hermione*
Hermione: Come on Hagrid, you know we wouldn't do anything to hurt you intentionally. It's just that…
Hagrid: Aww, I know you wouldn't try to 'urt me *takes a step out the door and accidentally steps on Harry* Come 'ere you two *hugs Hermione and Ron*
Harry: If that's all wrapped up, I'd like to be able to get up and maybe have my shattered bones looked at.
Snape: *dragging Harry out from under Hagrid's feet* You can do that after the detention you missed last week.
Harry: Are you still mad about that?
Snape: Ten points from Gryffindor for asking a stupid question, Potter.
Harry: …yeah, that's fair.
