Dumbledore: Ah, Harry. I assume you know why I called you here.
Harry: No. Why the fuck would I know that?
Phineas: See? I told you he wouldn't…
Dumbledore: Shut up, you.
Harry: Yeah, go back to your other portrait and yell at Mundungus for stealing your family's heirlooms.
Phineas: He did WHAT?! *storms out of there*
Dumbledore: Well, now that he's gone, here's the first memory I'm going to show you *swirls the Penseive around a little bit, until Caractacus Burke appeared above it*
Burke: Oh, the locket? Yeah, it was a complete steal. This dumb pregnant bitch comes into the store and asks how much she could get for it. Well, of course the thing's worth more than the store itself is, but she didn't seem to know that, nor did she care when I offered her eight knuts for it. What's even more hilarious is that three of them were just chocolate…wait, why am I telling you this? Hold on, you're Dumble…
Memory Dumbledore: Gotta go *knocks out Burke and runs away*
Harry: Okay, so all that proves is that she was in Knockturn Alley. So what?
Dumbledore: It means, we know she was in London.
Harry: Kinda just a broader version of what I said, but whatever.
Dumbledore: And now, we go onto my memory *pours another memory into the Penseive*
Harry: Wait, didn't we just…
Dumbledore: In we go *drags Harry in*
Harry: So now what?
Dumbledore: We watch *points out his past version walking up to an orphanage*
Harry: Oh, great, he's an orphan. As if I needed any more symbolism about how similar me and him are.
Dumbledore: Shut up, things are happening *points as his past-self knocks on the door*
Nun: *opening the door* Oh, hello. If you're here about the meat, we're still fattening a few of them up, but then we'll…
Memory Dumbledore: *ignoring her* Hello sir and/or madam. I am here to speak to a Mrs. Cole, who I believe is the owner of this fine establishment. If he or she is unavailable, I shall be forced to enter the premises illegally and do my business with one of your children, as is my plan even if I do meet with Mrs. Cole.
Nun: Oh, well then come on in. She's just in her office waiting for you. Honestly though, even if she wasn't, I'd let you do whatever you want with the children, as long as you don't kill them. We need them plump enough to sell to the abattoir.
Memory Dumbledore: Fair enough. Good meat's hard to come by these days.
Harry: Jesus Christ sir.
Dumbledore: It was during the Great Depression, what did you expect us to do?
Harry: Not resort to cannibalism, for one.
Dumbledore: Silly Harry, orphans are livestock, not people.
Harry: …wait, I'm an orphan.
Dumbledore: I know. Why do you think I'm raising you like a pig for slaughter?
Harry: Say what?
Dumbledore: *as they entered Mrs. Cole's office* Nothing.
Mrs. Cole: Ah, you must be here about here about young Tom Riddle.
Memory Dumbledore: Indeed I am.
Mrs. Cole: I should warn you, he's a strange boy. And he's skinny too, so I don't know why you're interested in him.
Memory Dumbledore: I know. It's just that he's…special.
Mrs. Cole: Special, eh? Is that a new word for psychotic?
Memory Dumbledore: Maybe. What did he do?
Mrs. Cole: Well, first there was Billy Stubbs's rabbit. According to Tom, it turned itself inside out, made a noose, and hung itself from the rafters, but I can't say I know how it managed that. Then there's Amy Benson and Dennis Bishop…well, I don't know what he did to them, but they seem very afraid of him, even if Dennis says it wasn't so bad…
Harry: Jesus Christ…
Dumbledore: Pretty sure he abandoned humanity way before this.
Mrs. Cole: But enough about the boy. Why do you care about him?
Memory Dumbledore: Oh, I'm a teacher.
Harry: *muttering* Debateable.
Mrs. Cole: Teacher, eh? For what school?
Memory Dumbledore: Hogwarts. We're a school for witchcraft and wizardry.
Mrs. Cole: …say what?
Memory Dumbledore: Here, let me show you *pulls out his wand* Wingardium Leviosa *lifts Mrs. Cole's chair off the ground*
Mrs. Cole: WHOA! What the hell?! Put me down!
Memory Dumbledore: Okay *stops the spell while she's eight feet in the air, letting her fall to the ground*
Mrs. Cole: *standing back up* Well, you're a weirdo just like him. I suppose you'd like to talk to him then?
Memory Dumbledore: Not particularly, but it's part of the job.
*Tom's room*
Mrs. Cole: Tom? You've got a visitor.
Tom: *slamming his door open* I already told you, Amy and Dennis enjoyed what they did, so you can't… *sees Dumbledore* …you don't look like the other doctors.
Memory Dumbledore: Hey kid, can I come in?
Tom: Actually, I'd rather stay where someone can see…
Memory Dumbledore: *bursting into his room* Wow, what a shithole you live in.
Tom: To be fair, everyone does at this point in time.
Memory Dumbledore: True that. You're just worse off than the rest of them. Except that you're magic.
Tom: Say what?
Memory Dumbledore: What, you think you did all the shit you did by being normal? No kid, you're a freak.
Tom: I don't appreciate the name calling.
Memory Dumbledore: And I don't appreciate that I have to be around poor people. What if I catch it? There's no cure for that.
Tom: Can we go back to the thing about me being magic?
Memory Dumbledore: Huh? Oh, yeah, one of your parents was probably a witch or wizard, so you are too. Now you'll be attending Hogwarts in September.
Tom: And I'm not getting a choice in the matter?
Memory Dumbledore: Why the fuck would you?
Tom: Seems dodgy, but given how the guys from the abattoir are here every other week…
Memory Dumbledore: Great. I'll see you in September to remind you of how much of an unloved orphan you are.
Tom: Hey, uh, before you go…
Memory Dumbledore: Ugh, please don't delay my departure from this place any longer than you have to.
Tom: So, uh, I'm able to talk to snakes. Is that normal?
Memory Dumbledore: Eww, you're one of those weirdos?
Harry: Okay, I've seen enough *leaves the memory*
Dumbledore: Aw, we were just getting to the good part, where I give him a twenty-minute lecture about why he sucks and will never amount to anything. Boy, did he prove me wrong. In fact, why don't you start doing something with your life?
Harry: After all that shit, I'm not surprised he's evil.
Dumbledore: I know. Did you see his family in our last lesson? Evil just runs in the family, and will always manifest in the offspring of evil people. It's genetic.
Harry: Yeah, you keep believing that, I'm going to bed.
