Chapter 14: Good Luck

Harry: …and then he just showed me him being a dick to Voldemort *thundercrack* as a kid, which tells me nothing.

Ron: Or maybe, it told you everything.

Harry: I suppose it tells me why he's evil, but how is that helpful?

Hermione: Though it can't hurt to learn about his backstory, can it?

Harry: Maybe not, but it feels like it's just padding out the book for nothing.

Ron: Maybe there'll be a big pay-off at the end, like someone important dying?

Harry: *looking at Ron* Do I dare to hope?

Sprout: HEY! You're meant to be learning, not talking.

Harry: How often do we even use this subject?

Sprout: You should use it more, you're behind Longbottom *points at Neville holding a Snargaluff pod*

Harry: …shit, we really need to get to work.

Hermione: By the way, did I mention that Professor Slughorn had Gwenog Jones of the Holyhead Harpies as a guest speaker at last night's dinner?

Ron: Who cares? They sound stupid.

Hermione: They're actually not as bad as you think. By the way Harry, I checked your schedule so that Slughorn could have you at his Christmas party.

Harry: Aww, do I have to?

Ron: Yeah, why would he want to go somewhere without me?

Harry: …I'll need a moment to think about this.

Ron: Oh no, Hermione's manipulating you. Don't worry Harry, I won't let her touch you with her evil influence.

Harry: A lot of big words in there for you.

Hermione: Evil? You know I'm his friend.

Ron: Oh yeah? Then why are you trying to make him do something he doesn't want to do?

Hermione: Oh, like you can talk, always fondling Harry when he clearly hates it.

Harry: You know about that, and yet do nothing to stop him, like he's doing right now.

Ron: Quiet Harry, I'm defending your honour. Anyway, how would you like it if I…

Sprout: I told you to work, and I mean it *sits a Venomous Tentacular next to them* If they say another word, you know what to do *leaves*

Ron: But I was just… *suddenly looks surprised* Hey, that spot's reserved for Harry.

*later, after Transfiguration*

Harry: Hey, Dean, can I talk to you?

Dean: Uh, sure? Though I'm questioning why, given that almost every time you speak, you're being an asshole.

Harry: Fair point. But in this case, I just want to ask you something.

Dean: Let me guess: you want to know why there's black people in Britain?

Harry: What? No. Look, you've probably already heard Katie's in St. Mungo's, and probably won't be back for the first game, so I need a new Chaser. Would you be interested?

Dean: Huh…okay, I'll do it. But why me? I didn't even try out.

Harry: Because…you know…

Dean: *eyes narrowing* No, I don't. Please explain it.

Harry: Well, you know, when you look at a lot of top athletes, especially in America's Big 4 sports, they have your…physique…

Dean: Meaning what?

Harry: They're…you know…

Dean: Black?

Harry: You said it, not me.

Dean: *glaring* You know what? I'll still do it, since sportspeople tend to get laid more than most, and I'm hoping the Patil twins are willing to share me…

Harry: Didn't Ginny say she was dating you too?

Dean: There's difference between dating and fucking, and what the Patil twins and me are doing is squarely in the latter *picks up his stuff to leave* By the way, you're still an asshole *leaves*

Harry: Yeah, that's fair.

*after practice that night*

Harry: Okay, good work everyone.

Ron: Even me?

Harry: Err…sure.

Dean: Come on man, be honest with him.

Harry: I mean, you did fine…except for letting through three quarters of the goals…and falling off your broom…twice…and punching Demelza while you were disoriented from the second fall…and then there was…

Dean: I think he gets it Harry.

Demelza: I'm pretty sure my nose is broken.

Ginny: I can break more than that if you want.

Harry: Don't do that, I don't have time to replace another player.

*later*

Ron: You know, it doesn't really matter if we win or lose our first Quidditch match against Slytherin this year…

Harry: It does. It really does.

Ron: …just as long as we have fu… *turns into a corridor to see Dean and Ginny making out* …oh, hi, didn't see you there.

Harry: It's almost like they wanted to be seen, in a public hallway that they knew the rest of the Gryffindor Team would have to go past…hmm…

Dean: Oh, sorry Ron, I know she's your sister and all…

Ron: Eh, she's her own person, she can do what she wants.

Dean: Oh, okay, glad to see you're cool with it.

Ginny: Hey, get back over here and help me make Harry jealous.

Dean: Do what? *Ginny starts kissing him again*

Ginny: *coming up for air* I bet that makes you real mad.

Harry: Not really *starts walking past them*

Ginny: Damn it, I can't be bothered unsexing another guy…

Dean: Say what?

Ginny: Hush *pulls out a blowgun and blows a dart into Harry's neck*

Harry: Huh, why do I feel mildly jealous now? Oh well *continues on his way*

Ginny: Well, it's a start.

Dean: Do I want to know what's going on?

Ginny: Don't ask questions, or I'll do to you what I did to Neville *leaves*

Dean: …what the fuck did I get myself into? Eh, it's probably fine. Plus, I might get to bang a redhead at the end of it.

*that night*

Harry: What am I going to do about Ron? I haven't got time to find a new Keeper, and Ron really sucks…

Ron: Speaking of sucking…

Harry: HEY! No interrupting my soliloquy. Now, what do I… *sees the title of the chapter* AH HA! I know what to do.

Ron: Is it me?

Harry: For the last time, NO!

*the next morning*

Hermione: Come on Ron, you need to have something for breakfast.

Ron: But I don't wanna.

Harry: *being suspicious* Here, have some pumpkin juice.

Hermione: Why, that's very nice of you HarWHAT IS THAT IN YOUR HAND?!

Harry: *hiding a bottle* Nothing.

Hermione: Harry, did you just…

Harry: Come on Ron, drink up. You're our LUCKY charm.

Hermione: Oh for Christ's sake, that's not even subtle. Ron, don't drink that.

Ron: *with an empty cup* Don't drink what?

Hermione: God damn it *leaves*

Ginny: Harry, Slytherin have two players out, one of which is Malfoy.

Harry: Wow, that's FORTUNATE, right Ron?

Ginny: To be fair, the other one was my fault, but he deserved it because I was bored and he was nearby.

Harry: What a BLESSING, eh Ron?

Ron: Even I think you're pushing it, now.

Lavender: Good luck today, Ron.

Ron: Huh…why has she been like that lately?

Ginny: Maybe she likes you?

Harry: But why?

Ron: Maybe Ginny meant she likes you.

Ginny: YOU TAKE THAT BACK RIGHT NOW!

*in the match*

Zacharias: And welcome to the first Quidditch match of the year. I'm your new commentator, Zacharias Smith. Why we even need a commentator at a school sporting event is a mystery to everyone, but Dumbledore told me to do this, so here I am. Now, after the shitty performance Weasley gave last year, I'm surprised…WHAT THE HELL?! I'M ON FIRE!

Harry: Ginny, I'm pretty sure he was talking about Ron.

Ginny: Oops.

Harry: …you're not going to put him out, are you?

Ginny: We both know the answer to that *flies away*

Zacharias: *dripping wet* Well, now that I'm wet…

Harry: *from far away* PHRASING!

Zacharias: …time to see how Weasley goes as Keeper. Urquhart shoots, and…HE SCOR…oops, sorry, Weasley saved it. Not used to saying that. Nor will I get used to it.

Harry: Unfortunately, you will.

*later*

Zacharias: Okay, so maybe Weasley got a bit better at Keeping…

McGonagall: A bit? He's kept Slytherin scoreless all game.

Zacharias: …but those Beaters aren't great. I mean, look at that Coote kid. He's way too skinny for the Beater position.

McGonagall: You mean the kid who managed to hit the bludger in such a way that it deflected off one Chaser, into another Chaser, and then knock out the Slytherin Keeper?

Zacharias: Hey, who's the commentator here? You or me?

McGonagall: I'd do a better job at it.

Dumbledore: Are you mad, woman? I'd have to give you two pay checks then, and since you're a woman I'm supposed to be underpaying you as it is.

McGonagall: Why do I bother with this job?

Snape: If you want better pay, I can help you out.

McGonagall: …we'll talk later.

Zacharias: OOH! It looks like Harper from the Slytherin team has found the Snitch.

Harry: Wait, what? *sees Harper chasing something gold* I better do something about that *gives chase*

Zacharias: Potter's giving chase, but I think Zacharias might just get there first.

Harry: Hey Harper, I'm the main character here. I'm supposed to win.

Harper: And I think maybe it's time you didn't *reaches out, nearly touching the Snitch*

Harry: Wow, he's really going for it. Time for Plan B. GINNY!

Ginny: I'm on it *starts thinking really hard, causing Harper to explode*

Zacharias: And in a stunning turn of events, Harper has spontaneously combusted, leaving Potter wide open to win the game for his team. Because apparently people expected anything different from this game.

Dean: Hey everyone, party in the Gryffindor dorm *crowd goes nuts*

McGonagall: They can't bring people from other houses into the dorms though.

Dumbledore: Of course they can, I'll even let them in myself. A party sounds like fun.

McGonagall: That seems like a breach of…

Dumbledore: Attention students: the password to Gryffindor Tower is Dilligrout.

McGonagall: God damn it…

*in the changerooms*

Hermione: Well, I hope you're happy Harry.

Harry: Of course I am. We won.

Hermione: But you cheated.

Harry: Did I, Hermione?

Hermione: YES! I saw you put Felix Felicis in Ron's cup.

Harry: I said… *pulls out the unopened vial* …did I?

Hermione: …oh, I see. You just wanted to make Ron think you gave him the potion so that he had the confidence to play really well.

Harry: And my plan worked perfectly.

Ron: Except that it didn't.

Harry: …wait, what?

Ron: I saw you pretend to pour the potion in my cup, and I knew if you were caught, you'd get in big trouble. So, I gave my cup to Seamus and just pretended to drink an identical cup to make you think I drank it.

Harry: Wait, so you just had a good game because you played well?

Ron: Silly Harry, I had a good game because you thought I was going to have a good game, and that made me have a good game.

Hermione: …the placebo effect hates everything you just said.

*in the common room*

Harry: Wow, this party's really kicking off. Someone even got the Weird Sisters to play.

Seamus: You think that's awesome *Harry turns to see Seamus has a bunch of girls on his arms* I'm about to have a nine-way. See ya *starts leaving with the girls*

Harry: …how did he even manage that? He wasn't even aware of the placeb… *sees one of the girls* Wait, Dean?

Dean: *wearing a wig and a dress* Shh, I'm seeing how long until he notices *leaves*

Harry: Huh…at least things can't get much weirder *sees Ron making out with Lavender* …HOLY! CRAP!

Ginny: I know, it's beautiful, isn't it?

Harry: I mean, I'm glad he's not molesting me for once, but this is a drastic change in behaviour. Almost like someone's making him do this.

Ginny: WHAT?! Who told you? …err, I mean, this is totally all him.

Harry: Uh huh. Well, I'm going to… *sees Hermione leaving in a hurry* …see what that's about. See ya *leaves*

Ginny: WAIT! You didn't hear my suggestion of doing something similar to them…damn it, so fricken close.

*in a nearby classroom*

Harry: Hey Hermione, are you okay?

Hermione: As well as can be expected.

Harry: What's wrong? You're not taking my 'pretend to give Ron good luck so he plays well for once' thing that hard, are you?

Hermione: It's not you that's the problem, it's Ron.

Harry: Yeah, breaking psychology like that is pretty bad, though you should have seen what Seamus di…

Hermione: It's not about that.

Harry: Huh?

Hermione: I know you saw them.

Harry: …wait… *realisation* …REALLY?! You and him…

Hermione: I know, it seems like we wouldn't work…

Harry: That's putting it mildly.

Hermione: But I…I really…

Lavender: Hey, this one's open *bursts through the door with Ron* Oops…sorry…didn't realise it was occupied.

Ron: Eh, they won't mind.

Lavender: Okay *starts getting very frisky with Ron*

Hermione: *glaring* Harry, please leave. I'm about to do something drastic, and can't guarantee you won't get caught in the crossfire.

Harry: Umm…okay… *leaves*

Ron: *still inside the classroom* OW! Hermione, if you wanted to join in, you just had to ask… *sickening crunching sounds* …owowowowow blueberry. BLUEBERRY!

Lavender: You're supposed to stop when he says the safety word.

Ron: Actually, it's not so bad now.

Harry: And that's my cue to… *remembers something* …wait until Seamus finishes with his orgy before I go to bed.