'Ello all! It is most likely very, very strange. And, sorry about the horrible lateness --'
Note: This chapter contains a. hose bashing and b. robe bashing. In the story, however they are referred to as a. tights and b. dresses.
Disclaimer: If we owned any of this, we'd be the dictators of the world, and you'd be wearing fluffy bunny suits.
Chapter TwoAlanna, to most known as Alan, of Trebond's day had started out fairly well. She had woken up, stretched, grumbled at her cat, had a delightful breakfast in which Gary spent the entire time making fun of His Highness' poetry, and was about to go down to the city for a spell, when her knight master had asked for some jousting practice. The young woman had never liked jousting, of which Jon knew perfectly well, not because she wasn't good at it, but simply because everyone else always thought it was so funny to see ickle Alan on a gigantic horse carrying a stick that's ten times longer than he is tall try and knock someone three times his size out of the saddle on an equally large horse carrying an equally large stick. Poor, abused little Alanna. Of course, the prince was in a rather fussy, arrogant sort of mood, and so Alanna decided that trying to argue with him would only mean he would be in a worse mood, and would throw a royal hissy fit. She knew from experience that royal hissy fits were no fun.
So, with resignation, she had geared up, hopped atop her warhorse, and waited at the end of the charging field for the signal. In truth, her situation wasn't terribly bad. It would have been so much worse if she were going against her other friend, Sir Raoul of Goldenlake. He was a giant of a man, good-natured, rather jester-like in tendencies, and the best jouster at court. His opponents were frequently known to go smashing into the practice courts near by, and be stuck with Duke Baird for weeks afterward in a comatose state. Luckily, no one had died. Not that Raoul wasn't rich enough to deal with all of the family members that would try and sue, he just extremely disliked the judge of the Mithran Court.
A horn went blaring off, and she urged her charger into a gallop, for a few seconds enjoying the surging movement of the horse below her. Then she had to snap out of her daydream and lift up the lance, aim for Jon's shield, and….
Bam.
A rather interesting hole had ripped open in the sky, and out dropped a good deal of people, all of them falling to the ground in a large heap. Through her visor, she had trouble distinguishing individual shapes, but she knew that none of them were moving out of the way. Idiots. Pulling back on the reins, she whispered in her distraught mount's ears, trying to slow him down. Eventually, the horse slowed down to a trot, and Alanna was able to flip up her visor. She saw that Jon was just slowing his horse down, and was trying his best to not trample the people below. With a frown, she circled the unknown group, lance aimed at one of the members.
"Mithros!" She exclaimed, examining the cringing redhead below her lance's aim, "Who are you?" The redhead opened one eye, but instantly closed it again, as if wishing he were somewhere else. Next to him a shorter boy around Alanna's age opened his eyes, which were a rather bright green, and blinked up at her.
"You are trespassing on the Palace grounds," said Jon, who had dismounted, "What do you have to say for yourselves?" Internally, Alanna snorted, what kind of question was that? They weren't toddlers.
"Nothing much, only that it is a very nice Palace indeed." Said a man, who had been sitting up until then. His dark hair was in braids, and the locks that were near his face had beads strung in them. His beard was also twisted into braids, and he had what Alanna considered to be a very haphazard appearance. Noticing her gaze, he gave a rather charming grin, before trying to continue. Unfortunately for him, Jon decided that he did not like him at all, which was a shame, as he seemed to be a person that would make a good friend. A little like George, in fact…
"This behavior will not be tolerated, you will be presented in front of the King and Queen of Tortall." One of the only females in the group went incredibly pale and began mumbling to herself, her brow furrowed slightly. Alanna could have sworn she was mumbling about something called a Mugl, but before she could hear more, the entire group erupted with conversation. Jon called the King's Own, they were rounded up, and they marched off to the Throne Room.
"You come too Alan!" Called Jon, and with a sigh, she dismounted and left her charger to a hostler that had instantly appeared out of no where, probably thanks to Stefan. She fumed for a while as she marched up the steps, but then she began to think of all the good things. She didn't have to joust now. But her day had been ruined still. She was sweaty. She was having trouble getting off her gauntlets. She'd have to deal with Jon's father and mother, and though they had their hearts in the right place on most occasions, they still often got on her nerves. Like the fact they didn't allow girls to train to become knights, and because of that, she had been forced to disguise herself as a male for the past… six or seven years? Yes, that sounded about right. With a slight sigh, she adjusted her sweaty blue tunic, dumped her armor into a random servant's patiently waiting arms, and followed the 'prisoners' inside.
Captain Jack Sparrow was having a delightful time. Sure, he'd been captured (again) but these idiots that were his captors didn't know anything about how to keep a prisoner at bay! He didn't even have shackles! So far, he had nicked the following: a small golden statue, a candle stick, a pair of lucky dice, a rather pretty dagger, a shiny rock, someone's ruby ring, and, to his slight disappointment, a lady's handkerchief. He had offered it to AnaMaria, but she sniffed it and said it smelled like stalking and old chamomile, which apparently she didn't like. Deciding that Elizabeth most likely had too many kerchiefs already, he stuffed it in his pocket anyway and continued looking around for something to steal.
That night, a Delia Stalker would sob when he discovered that her handkerchief was gone.
Draco Malfoy was having a mental breakdown, but because he was so marvelous, no one noticed. Actually, it was probably because no one was paying attention to him, but this is Draco Malfoy we're talking about, and Draco Malfoy thinks the world is centered around him. What was currently disturbing him, you ask? Well, one has to admit, seeing an entire population of males walk around in tights is very traumatizing. If the Slytherin had been paying attention, he would have seen that his peers were also very disturbed, and had their eyes shut. The blonde had his vision focused on the ground however, where all he could see were feet. Feet were perfectly fine to see, as they were all wearing boots, shoes, or 100 galleon leather loafers from Y&V with a delightful fringe.
Apparently he had slowed down a slight bit in his musing of feet, and a tight-clad guard behind him gave him a rather rough shove. Scowling, Malfoy muttered six words under his breath.
"My father will hear about this."
Unlike most of his companions, who were either A. incredibly disturbed, B. completely oblivious, C. plotting, D. having a delightful time stealing things, or E. mumbling about bacon; Commodore Norrington was simply having a rotten day, and wondering why five of his new companions were wearing dresses. The one with the gigantic nose was mostly very quiet, mumbling to himself under his breath, and his dress-thing billowing rather dramatically behind him. It was apparently only a bathrobe or something, but it was definitely the strangest garment he had ever seen.
The procession stopped in front of a large pair of double doors, and the little boy behind them straightened himself, dumped his armor on a brightly dressed servant, and then entered the room with the man that had addressed them when they first entered this very strange world. ((Try saying that ten times fast!)) They waited for a little while, and then the men in tights led them inside. It was a nice enough room as rooms went, it looked similar to the governor's foyer, only with two rather splendid thrones on a center platform. On the platform sat a man and a woman, each with a very shiny crown upon their brow. The woman looked very tired and sickly, as if she had only just recovered from an ailment, and the man's face seemed to have a permanent look of worry on it.
"We found these people on the jousting courts. Mother, Father, they disrupted our match!" Whined the richly dressed young man beside the boy. The man, apparently his father, frowned. "Is this true? Did you disrupt the Prince and his squire's jousting match?" He asked, directing the comment at Commodore Norrington (he was probably the most respectably dressed out of the entire lot). "I am afraid so sir, but it was entirely an accident." He said apologetically, but the whiney Prince interrupted him. "An accident! How could it be an accident? You fell from the sky right into the court!" He exclaimed, outrage in his voice. "Exactly you troglodyte." Said a very agitated and very bored voice from somewhere behind the Commodore.
How stupid are these people? Thought one Hermione Granger to herself as they were presented to two people she assumed were the king and queen. The man in the powdered wig tried to be polite and talk to them, but the idiot interrupted. Vexation, jet lag, hunger and her patience and acceptance of the fact that she was surrounded by idiots snapped finally kicked in, and she couldn't help but comment.
"Exactly you troglodyte."
The entire room went quiet, and swiveled around to look at her. The pretty-boy prince's mouth was hanging open, and the king looked as though his eyes were going to pop out of their sockets. The boy silently clapped, while the men in tights started to back away. Her faithful friends were sniggering by her side, as were most everyone else in the group. That is, except for the man with the pointy ears and the tragic-hero looking pirate ('He has an ugly hair cut' thought Draco) next to him, who were blinking rapidly.
"What's a troglodyte?" They asked in union, and Hermione rolled her eyes. "Troglodyte: A primitive form of man that was incredibly thick." They said a quiet 'Ooooh', and then swiveled back around.
"Wait, did you just call me stupid?" The prince said, and Hermione took a deep breath and began to list all of the goblin rebellions since 1784 in her head. "Yes, I just called you stupid." There were gasps from the men in tights and the royals, but some more sniggering from her companions. The king then gathered himself.
"Insulting the royal family is a criminal offense, young lady. I suggest you apologize." Hermione just rolled her eyes, still completely fed up with these people. "I suggest you stop acting like a pompous, suppressive monarch who wears tights, and forces his entire kingdom to wear tights. And why hasn't she said anything?" She demanded, pointing at the queen. "Is she just a figurehead you show off? Do you not value your wife's opinion? Do you not care that she most likely has a higher brain capacity than you do?" Hermione was now beginning to vent all of her anger at just about everything at these people.
"And what's with the servants? Or are they slaves? Do they get proper wages for cleaning this place and feeding you? Do they get holidays so that they can actually spend time with their family? Or do you lock them up here, and feel no ounce of compassion to other human beings?" Her voice was a snarl, and everyone was staring at her. The red-headed boy (the squire?) by the prince was silently cheering and was doing a sort of happy dance.
"And the monarchy! Total control over one people so that they have no rights, no freedom, and are not allowed the freedom of speech? Oh no, no elections for us, we have a-" She said a very rude word that made many people gasp, except, of course, the cheering boy, who was now giggling insanely into his shirt sleeve. "That says the queen can't say a thing, even though her title says she should help rule the country, we don't get decent wages, don't get treated properly, and we have to wear tights!" She was now red in the face, and before she could continue, Snape interrupted.
"Miss Granger, I think it would be in the best interest of this group if you shut your large mouth before we got killed." Said the professor, and Hermione opened her mouth to say something. "I'll start taking points from Gryffindor, Miss Granger!" He hissed, and Ron spoke this time. "You can't do that! We're not even at school!" Snape just glared. "Watch me." Everyone was silent for a while, until one of the blonde short people with no shoes that Hermione had not noticed spoke very loudly and suddenly. "And we'll eat mushrooms!" They stared at him for a while, and he looked apologetically to the tall man with the beard. "Sorry Strider." He said, and his blonde friend piped up. "Pip's stomach is directly connected to his brain, and I would say it's about time for second breakfast." Pip scoffed at his friend. "You're one to talk Merry!" Then an argument erupted about who ate the most, and probably would have continued if Strider hadn't hushed them quickly.
"Daddy!" Whined the prince, "Make them take the people in dresses to the dungeons!" There were many indignant and outraged noises among the Hogwarts students, and Ron snarled out a comment about the prince's grandmother over Malfoy's shouts of 'They're not dresses!" Another short person waved around an axe no one had noticed before, and snarled something about fighting their way out before Strider calmed him down too. On the thrones the king looked outraged and the queen had passed out soon after the troglodyte comment.
"Take them to the dungeon! Jonathan, please inform your friends and their squires to attend a meeting here in exactly one hour. Also inform your uncle."
Author Note Time!
Sorry about the delay, again. Another apology that all of the characters didn't get used. Somewhere in there Elizabeth was screaming parlay and AnaMaria and Jack were doing something. Maybe Rock, Paper, Scissors, not sure. But I had to include Merry and Pippin, they always feel forgotten in a crowd. As an extra, the conversation before Pip's mushroom comment:
Pippin: -sigh- We're unnoticed again, Merry. It's always like this.
Merry: I know Pip. But we'll do something fun right afterwards, like going on a quest, or playing Whack the Orc!
Pippin: Yes! We shall play Whack the Orc! I call blue mallet!
Merry: Fine, I get green mallet!
Pippin: But where'll we get the orcs?
Merry: We can use… Um…. I don't know. But we can eat snacks too. Like 'taters.
Pippin: And we'll eat mushrooms!
Yup. Until next time folks,
-NameWeAreTooCowardlyToSay and AsvoriaGranger13
P.S. Review all you like. We roast marshmallows on any flames with AsvoriaGranger13's gremlin army :3 But go ahead and send them, we love eating marshmallows.
