I woke up the next morning with a kink in my back and a stiff neck. The thump in my head was bordering on migraine and my stomach was yelling at me for not eating since yesterday morning. I pushed away the hunger and made my way down the hall to Jay's room. There would be plenty of time to eat once he woke up.
As the day pressed on I lost all track of time. People came and went but I barely noticed. I sat by Jay's bed for the most part, only leaving when a doctor or nurse insisted I had to. Manny had turned out to be a constant, bringing me coffee and food through out the day. She knew taking care of myself was the last thing on my mind.
I was somewhere between awake and asleep when I felt a hand land on my shoulder. I figured it was time for the vitals again so without even looking I nodded and stood up. I started to walk away when a very familiar voice stopped me in my tracks, "Ellie?"
I turned around and found myself face to face with Sean. At first I thought I was still asleep and that I was dreaming Sean standing there. But as my headache continued to thump I knew it wasn't a dream, it was a nightmare.
"What are you doing here?" I asked when the shock finally wore off.
"Manny, she called Emma. We came as soon as we got the message." Sean replied. Then looking over at Jay asked, "How is he?"
"How does he look and since when do you care?" I asked, annoyed that Sean decided now was the time to walk back into all of our lives.
"Because he's my friend or at least I thought he was." Sean shot back. The muscle in his jaw tightened and fire flashed through his eyes.
I knew right away it was about Emma. She'd told him about the Ravine and like everyone else in the world Sean was blaming Jay. Defensively I asked, "What's that supposed to mean?"
"Come on El. First Emma, now you? What kind of friend does that? What kind of friend preys on your ex-girlfriends like that?" Sean replied equally defensively.
"You have no idea what you're talking about, Sean." I yelled. "You've been gone for over a year. You can't blame Jay for my decisions, for Emma's decisions."
"Are you kidding me? Since the day I met Jay people have been telling me what a mistake I was making, including you and now you're defending him?" Sean added in disbelief.
"You don't get it. You chose to stay behind, Sean. You walked out of me, on Jay, on Emma. You have no right to condemn our decisions, our choices. We did what we had to, all of us, and it's just too bad if you don't like it. Don't blame Jay because Emma couldn't deal. Don't blame Jay because you can't deal now." I said. I stormed out of the room angrier then I'd been in a long time. I couldn't believe how people were coming down on Jay, now of all times. If I had to listen to one more person go off on another 'Jay's a jerk' tandem I was going to lose my mind.
I retreated to the bathroom feeling like my head was going to explode. I splashed some cold water on my face then looked at my reflection in the mirror. Even with a tan I looked pale. My eyes were sunken with dark circles from lack of sleep. My hair was even more unruly than usual as it snuck its way out of its loose ponytail. I smoothed my hair down the best I could and tried out a fake smile but it looked ridiculous even to me.
I headed out of the bathroom and back to Jay's room. I was thankful it wasn't Sean sitting beside Jay's bed when I got back, it was Alex. I sighed in relief before saying, "Hey."
"Hey yourself," Alex replied, looking up at me. "How is he? Any change?"
"About the same, I think. They're still not telling me anything since I'm not family." I explained.
"Well, I finally got ahold of his dad. He should be here this afternoon." Alex said.
"Good." I replied.
We sat there quietly for a few minutes before either of us spoke again. Alex broke the silence. "El, no offense but you look like crap. Go home, get a shower, get something to eat, and take a nap."
"I'm not going anywhere." I replied.
"Look, I'll stay here and I'll call if anything changes. Brie's in the waiting room. Let her take you home at least to shower and change. She'll bring you right back if you want." Alex offered.
I looked at Jay lying there so helplessly and my heart ached for him. "Okay," I finally caved. "But I'll be right back."
I slowly made my way to the waiting room ignoring Sean, Emma, and Craig. Manny wasn't there and I figured she was on a coffee run. Brie looked up and with a nod stood up. We left without a word to each other or anyone else.
"What is Ellie thinking?" Sean asked mostly to himself after I'd left with Brie.
"I've been asking myself that same thing since the day I got here." Craig replied.
"I tried talking to her. I tried warning her." Emma added. "But she blew up and stormed off."
"Why don't you guys just leave her alone?" Manny suggested. "Don't you think she's going through enough right now? If you want to hound her about her relationship with Jay why don't you wait until we find out if he's going to be okay first?"
"Since when do you stick up for Ellie?" Emma asked, looking at her friend like she was from another planet.
"Since I sat beside your hospital bed wondering whether or not you were going to be okay," Manny replied. "Don't you remember what it was like when Snake had cancer? Never knowing if he was going to be okay or if what you said to him that morning was going to be the last words you ever spoke to him? Give her a break, Emma, she loves Jay. Just because you don't understand it doesn't mean it's a bad thing."
"Are you listening to yourself?" Emma shot back defensively. "Weren't you the one warning me away from Jay when I wanted to be with him?"
Sean stiffened at the thought but Manny didn't notice as she continued, "You didn't love Jay, Emma, you loved Sean. You were just using Jay to deal with the fact that Sean bailed."
"I guess Mr. Wonderful was blameless?" Craig said sarcastically as he jumped in.
Manny leveled him with a look, "You really think you should be judging anyone in that department? You cheated on Ashley and you cheated on me. If you ask me, you're no better than he is."
"Shhh, this is a hospital not a high school." A passing nurse said sternly causing the four of them to cut their argument short.
Back at the house everything looked the same with the exception of the broken vase. It had been cleaned up from where it had shattered against the wall. I sighed as I moved past the spot where everything had crashed and burned and made my way upstairs to shower and change.
I stood in the shower letting the water mix with the tears. The day had already been too long and it was barely past noon. A flash of pink caught my eye, peeking out from under the washrag. An old feeling began in the pit of my stomach as I picked up the pink plastic razor I'd used to shave my legs a few days ago. I ran my finger along the blades, remembering the feeling of creating a cut and watching it bleed. The release of emotions that had led to my addiction. I traced the faded scars remembering how easy it had been to deal with the pain when it was physical, when it was controllable. I was crying harder and my breathing was erratic. I dropped the razor, watching as it swirled around the drain. Brie had said Jay needed me to be strong and there was nothing strong about falling back into an old, destructive habit.
I quickly climbed out of the shower, pushing away the urge to pick the razor back up. I threw on a clean pair of jeans and an old faded Nirvana t-shirt before making my way back downstairs.
Brie was sitting on the couch flipping through a magazine. She looked up when the stair creaked and gave me a little smile, "You know, I don't mind hanging around if you want to try and get a little sleep."
"No, I'm fine. Really." I replied. "I'm just going to grab a sweatshirt. It got a little cold last night." She nodded in understanding instead of making me argue about it like everyone else seemed to want to do.
I walked into Jay's room, breathing in the familiar sent of him. I riffled through the things on his dresser. The brush he'd hardly used, the aloe he'd put on his sunburn, the cologne he used when he was going out. Taped to the mirror was a picture of us, just him and me on the beach during one of our volleyball games. One of the guys on our team had taken it after we'd won. Jay's arms were wrapped around me in a friendly hug and we were both smiling from ear to ear. I traced the picture as I relived the memory in my mind. I could almost feel the hot breeze on my face.
I shook the thoughts away before reaching into his closet and grabbing a sweatshirt. I would have to do some of his laundry before he came home, I thought, letting a little chuckle escape me. I was half way out of the room before I stopped, turned back around, and grabbed the picture, tucking it in my pocket.
"Ready," I said as I re-entered the living room. I followed Brie to her car and we headed back to the hospital.
At the hospital I was directed yet again to wait in the waiting room. Jay was having more test runs which meant I was exiled from the room. I dreaded going into the waiting room where undoubtedly Sean, Craig, and Emma would still be. I didn't want to see them, I didn't want to talk to them, and I didn't feel that they had any right to be there. But who was I to tell them they had to leave?
"You coming?" Brie asked when she realized I wasn't following.
I looked around for any excuses but couldn't find one so I reluctantly followed her. The gang was all there. Craig, Sean, and Emma sat on one side while Alex and Manny sat on the other. I rolled my eyes before sitting down next to Alex.
"Any change?" I asked, knowing she would have called if there had been.
She opened her mouth to answer when a booming voice interrupted, "Alex, what is going on? What did my screw-up son do now?"
I looked at the owner of the voice ,shocked at the resemblance he had to his son. The same blue eyes, thick lips, and masculine jaw line. It was like starring into the face of Jay twenty years from now.
"Mr. Hogart," Sean said, standing up and shaking the man's hand.
"Sean? Jay didn't tell me you were going to be here." the man replied, all thoughts of his son's current medical condition disappearing.
"I came as soon as I heard." Sean said, making me want to gag.
"Well, it's good to see you. I apologize for whatever my Jay did that made you stop coming around." Mr. Hogart added. I could feel the fire growing inside of me as he turned back to Alex and continued, "Well, let me have it. What mess has Jay gotten himself into this time?"
"What is wrong with you people?" I snapped. "Jay's in there fighting for his life and all you can do is bad mouth him. You're supposed to be his father and you're supposed to be his friend." I added pointing from Jay's dad to Sean.
"And you are?" Mr. Hogart asked in a slightly annoyed voice.
"Someone who apparently cares a lot more than you do." I replied before making my way out of the room.
