Title: The Wedding
Author: Kit Spooner
Pairing: Uzumaki Naruto and Haruno Sakura
Fandom: Naruto
Theme: #5 – ano sa . . .
Rating: PG/K+ for language and some discussion of sex?
Disclaimer: The characters and situations portrayed in this story are the sole property of Kishimoto-sensei and the assorted corporate types who've bought the rights. I've merely borrowed them for a brief time.
Note 1: I don't have problems with slash-fic or their authors. Let that be stated now. I just sometimes think the situations and pairings are a little absurd. I view Naruto as possibly the straightest boy among the four Konoha teams, with the possible exceptions of Kiba and Lee. Sasuke is as asexual as they come. Just my two cents. And my apologies for this drivel.
Note 2: After brief confusion, I realized that it did, indeed, seem as though Tenten was Mrs. Uchiha. This has been edited slightly to make sure no one makes this mistake. I'm careful not to mention who Mrs. Uchiha is. And honestly, she's probably not even a named character in the series.
Note 3: I fucking hate you, Document Manager. You kill me over and over. -cries-
"Congratulations, Naruto!" Sakura chirped when the man in question arrived home one evening.
Immediately on guard (and wracking his brain for forgotten birthdays/anniversaries/holidays), Naruto gave his roommate one of his usual shit-eating grins and hoped for the best. "Congratulations . . . uh, what?"
"On your upcoming nuptials!" Sakura continued, rising from the couch and throwing her arms around Naruto. She was practically giggling and Naruto was on the verge of terror.
"Er?" he said.
"Apparently, all the arrangements are made already," Sakura continued dropping a playful kiss on the tip of Naruto's nose. "It'll be the romantic event of the year!"
Naruto paused. "Nuptials means wedding, right, or am I getting my words confused again?"
"Wedding, yes," Sakura agreed, puling away from Naruto and spinning across the floor in a disturbingly whirling version of a ninja waltz.
"Er," Naruto repeated. "I didn't even know you wanted to get married, Sakura-chan. You, uh, maybe should have told me before you booked the, you know, church or whatever."
"Me?" Sakura snickered. "There's no fucking way I'm marrying you, Uzumaki Naruto. You're a terrible cook. And you always leave the cap off the toothpaste."
Naruto's mind took another pause, took stock of the situation, and barreled on ahead. "So, do you know who I'm marrying?"
"Sasuke, of course!" Sakura laughed merrily. "Silly boy, pretending not to know about your own wedding to your own true love!" She wagged a cheerfully reprimanding finger at him.
"Sasuke?" he echoed. "Own true love?" His brain patiently reminded him: Does not compute!
Sakura finally stopped her dancing and flopped onto the dilapidated sofa they'd found on the side of the road (it still smelled very faintly of cat pee). "It's what the whole town's talking about," she noted. "The old lady who runs the sweet shop is offering to make the cake and Ino's mom says that she's expecting the order for flowers any day. Oh, and the old man who plays checkers out by the memorial every Sunday says that if anyone can make an unconventional marriage work, it's you." Her eyes were solemn and her expression absolutely straight.
Naruto raised an eyebrow. "Any theories on where everyone got this idea?"
"No clue," replied Sakura. "And I doubt Sasuke has anything to do with this, since he hardly ever leaves the damn Uchiha compound anymore. Always sends his little housewife out for shopping and stuff." The last was spoken in a grumble – standard for her deprecating commentary on the young Mrs. Uchiha. Naruto wasn't entirely sure whether this was because she still sort of wanted to be the Mrs. Uchiha, or whether she was embarrassed for ever having wanted to.
"So . . ." Naruto scratched his head and slouched onto the couch on top of Sakura.
Sakura shoved his pointy elbows out of her gut and repositioned his head to a more comfortable location.
"Hey, wait!" Naruto sat up. "Does this mean everyone thinks I'm gay or something?"
Sakura smirked.
"Damn, I am so not gay!" Naruto shouted. "I can prove it, too!" He reached for Sakura.
She shoved his hands from her breasts and smirked some more. "Yeah, but think about your groom, kiddo."
"Ew," Naruto pronounced.
"Don't think about him that way, pervert!" Sakura snorted. "Think about how it looks to the rest of the folks in the village."
Naruto obeyed, and worked the situation through in his mind. Well, it was true that Sasuke was kind of fancy, if that had anything to do with it. He washed his hair a lot and always wore clean clothes. Wore a lot of froofy Uchiha yukatas too, come to think of it. And girls always said he was pretty, though Naruto wasn't a great judge of that, what with being the manly bastion of heterosexuality that he was.
"So he's . . . uh, that way?" Naruto made a weird gesture that involved both wiggling fingers and limp wrists.
"No, Naruto," Sakura explained patiently.
"Hmm, yeah, that'd be weird, what with him being all married and stuff. What do people think about that anyway?"
"Even Tenten -- who normally knows what's going on -- thinks the woman's more of an elevated chambermaid than a wife," Sakura said. "And from the way they act around each other, can you blame the village for being a bit confused?"
"Well, they can't think he's too gay, considering they've got two kids and she's knocked up yet again." Naruto wrinkled his nose.
"I think the townsfolk figure she's just a brood mare for the next generation of Uchihas," Sakura mused. "They're more caught up on the romance of you visiting him in his self-imposed isolation every couple of days."
"You visit him just as often as I do!" Naruto bellowed in disbelief.
"Well, yes," Sakura admitted with a grin. "But he rejected me when I was twelve, and as we know, people never change their minds about such things when they're in their twenties."
Naruto grinned back. "Yeah, just like you never changed your mind about me, right?"
"Yep. Still hate you, runt."
Naruto bared his teeth.
"So anyway," Sakura blithely continued. "Everyone thinks a June wedding would be lovely. Any thoughts on the bridesmaids' dresses?"
"I'm not getting married," Naruto stated firmly.
"Might want to work on convincing every other person in Konoha, kiddo."
Naruto sighed. "How the fuck am I supposed to prove that I'm really, really straight?"
"Well, it looks like cohabitating with a sexy lady isn't enough," Sakura noted. "Maybe you should try dating other girls too?"
"I don't know any single girls!" Naruto huffed.
"Last I heard, Hinata was still single," Sakura suggested with a slightly vicious grin.
"Ha!" Naruto rolled his eyes. "Even I'm not stupid enough to do that. Between her psychotic cousin-turned-bodyguard and her childhood teammates, I'd be lucky to even get an audience with their princess. All three of them are in love with her, I think. And, god forbid, if her little sister were to find out, she'd hamstring me, the little savage . . ."
This time Sakura just laughed.
"You seem to be enjoying yourself," Naruto pouted. "You're poking fun at my expense."
Sakura ran a soothing hand through her boy's spiky locks. "Yes, I am, but it's only 'cause I love you, idiot-boy."
Naruto, programmed carefully to relax under certain conditions, melted like butter on a hot griddle and sagged against Sakura on the cat-pee sofa. He sighed mournfully.
"Here's what we'll do," Sakura told him gently. "I made you some dinner – no, it's not ramen – and it'll be ready in another couple minutes. Then, once we're done with dinner, you'll go take a bath, because you stink worse than the couch."
"What about the gay thing?" Naruto asked plaintively.
"Tomorrow I'll start dropping rumors that you and I are having a torrid love affair and that you have a huge breast fetish," Sakura continued.
Naruto eyed Sakura's assets and nodded. "It's sort of true. On both accounts." He suddenly smirked. "Does this mean we're going to have a torrid love affair?"
"Not a chance, runt," Sakura responded. "You know I only sleep with you when I'm drunk and just off a mission. Liquor and death-defying situations are good enough excuses." She paused. "Whoops. Shouldn't have mentioned that, I guess."
Naruto waggled his eyebrows.
"Anyway!" Sakura sang. "A few carefully placed rumors ought to do the trick."
"That'd be great, Sakura-chan," Naruto breathed, reclining his head against hers.
"Of course, there's always the chance that it'll backfire," Sakura cautioned, ruffling her roommate's hair again. "The village might start thinking I'm some vicious, jealous little bitch who's trying to break up the true love that you and Sasuke share, simply for my own shallow pleasure. The love a woman bears for a man can't compare to the love between two manly men, of course . . ." She rolled her eyes.
Naruto looked at her in utter horror. "Konoha is insane!" he exclaimed. "When the fuck did this happen?"
Sakura patted his cheek gently. "Don't worry about it, baby. I'll take care of everything, even if I have to slap around every gossip in the village."
Naruto gave her a huge, sunny smile and kissed her ear (which was about all he could reach without moving too much. They snuggled together on the ragged sofa, content with their somewhat-confusing lot in life.
"So, uh, when's dinner, woman?" Naruto asked loudly, a moment later, just as Sakura had gotten warm and very comfortable.
"Shut the hell up, Mrs. Uchiha," Sakura snapped before dozing off.
