Kakashi swung his fist at the tree, letting it connect. Again. His gloves were shredded and his knuckles bloodied as he repeated the maneuver, alternating hands. Actually training might require another partner. Practicing at the training grounds left him open to being discovered. Right now, he only wanted to be alone.
Anger and frustration were his only motivations. It wasn't even that Itachi had bested him. He always knew the younger man would surpass him. No, his anger stemmed from confusion. Confusion over his own feelings and Itachi's intentions. Whatever they had shared, it had been so brief and so innocent and held so much potential…
He felt his knuckle shatter as the weakened bark had been stripped away, allowing his fists to connect with the hardest parts of the trunk now. It didn't matter. Pain was at least something he could make sense of. Something logical, a familiar sensation that didn't require emotional labor. If he ever saw Itachi again, he wasn't sure whether he'd kiss him or kill him. Wait… where had that thought come from?
He absentmindedly rubbed his busted left hand with his only less slightly damaged right. He had failed Sasuke. Itachi had every right to punish him.
A chakra signature he hadn't noticed before now approached him and Kakashi didn't have the mental capacity to handle facing anyone right now.
"Are you lost, Hinata?" He didn't turn around as she entered the small clearing.
"N-no. I, um… I was w-wondering when Naruto might come back?"
He clenched his eyes shut. Another failure. Not only had he not prepared Naruto for the Akatsuki, he had completely overlooked the boy to focus on Sasuke. He had practically abandoned the blonde, letting what he had deemed personal connections to the Uchiha clan affect his decision. Hyper focusing on the lone Uchiha while neglecting the lone Uzumaki. He was so very tired of the war orphans… the death, the tragedy… his shattered knuckle was pounded into the tree trunk again and he hissed as pain flooded his system, the receptors in his brain enjoying the distraction and the shameful mix of pleasure that came with it.
Hinata gasped, "I-I'm sorry, Kakashi-sensei. I didn't mean to upset you."
He laughed quietly to himself, studying his hands, still refusing to face her. "I'm fine, Hinata. I don't know when he'll be back. He's off training with Jiraiya." She turned to leave and he added. "Sorry I couldn't be of more help…"
"It's ok, Kakashi-sensei," she stated, her voice barely above a whisper.
"Why, though?"
"Why what?" Her confused, gentle voice replied. She had turned back to watch him again.
"Why do you keep waiting for him?"
"O-oh, n-n-no… no, I care about a-all of my classmates. I-"
Kakashi smiled, his back still turned towards the Hyuuga. "We're not all as oblivious as Naruto. I just want to know what it is about him, what makes you not give up." He searched for the right words. Why was he tormenting young Hinata like this? He didn't know. He just needed to hear from one hopeless cause to another. "Why do you wait for him?"
He could practically feel her blushing from where he stood, which was all the more surprising when she spoke with a confidence he'd never heard from her.
"He's lonely," she started. Kakashi only nodded, nursing his busted hand. "He didn't ask to be lonely. He's not like Sasuke, pushing anyone away who gets close. He wants people near him, but nobody wants him around… I know that feeling, too… he tries so hard to be happy and encouraging and strong. No matter what happens. I don't know how he does it. If I can't be like him, I at least want to encourage him. I want him to know that I see him and everything he does for everybody else. He tries so hard, Kakashi-sensei," her voice starting to waver, as if on the verge of tears. "I don't want him to feel alone anymore, or ever again. I just want him to know that *someone* sees him. Even if he never…" she took a deep breath then let it out slowly, "even if he doesn't feel the same about me. He doesn't deserve to suffer or to be hated the way he is. People don't understand him. If I can't change that, if people will hate him no matter what, I can at least offer to stand by his side so he's not alone anymore."
Kakashi nodded again, but remained silent. Hinata didn't wait for a response and left shortly after baring her soul to him. He was sure she probably regretted being so candid, but he also felt her sense of relief. She'd felt those feelings for years, never able to voice them aloud. It was maybe cathartic to finally put words to her true feelings.
He clenched his fists and ignored the pain. Had he failed Itachi? Had the boy been reaching out, not quite as obvious as the blonde of course, but had he been needing that reassurance, attention and affection? And Kakashi had failed him, too? Let Itachi believe he truly *was* alone…
Hadn't Itachi tried to explain himself that day? And Kakashi wouldn't hear it… There were no excuses for what he did. But maybe… No, Kakashi shook his head. Itachi was a traitor. That was all. There was nothing more to it than that.
———————-
It was dark now. His stomach growled, reminding him of his willful neglect. The conversation with Hinata had just taken place two days before, but he hadn't let himself dwell on the past. Whatever her response had stirred up in him, he had beaten it back down by immediately going to the hokage and requesting a solo mission. His former team divided among the legendary sannin and here he was, punching tree trunks until his skin tore from the bone.
A stealth mission was good. It would help him remember how to control his emotions. Do not be seen, do not engage. He needed to recall the ways he could always reign in his emotions before. He hadn't seen Itachi in years. How did the elder Uchiha brother still have such a hold on him?
He refocused. Shut it down. He was here to gather intel. He would do his job, go home, then request another mission. No rest meant no time for his mind to wander.
After he had successfully kept the shadows for nearly a week and was returning to Konoha, he stopped as a presence made itself known to him. The last person he wanted to see.
"Kashi…" a quiet voice said.
He looked down from the branch he had paused on. There, on the ground below him, stood the same man that had been plaguing his thoughts.
He had torn his hitai-ate off before he could even consider the consequences and leapt down to confront his former friend.
"You…" a single sharingan met two and Kakashi growled low in his throat.
"Hmm… Growling? I thought the wolf thing was just rumors…"
"Shut up, Itachi." He stood in front of the Uchiha, knowing he was outmatched. He would have to be careful. "Are you here to kill me, too?"
"I would've killed you last time if I had wanted. You know that."
The detached, emotionless voice that spoke to him only angered him more. "Then why are you here? To torture me again?" Just as it had been years ago, only Itachi could cost Kakashi his calm demeanor. Only the Uchiha before him could have him so on edge.
Itachi smirked. "Not exactly. More like the opposite." Kakashi cautiously watched the other, not sure of how to proceed. "Hit me."
"What?" His face scrunched up in confusion.
"You heard me. I owe you for what I did to you. One hit. Don't hold back. Catharsis."
Kakashi growled again, clenching his fists at his sides. Waiting patiently to attack was becoming frustrating. "I don't understand. It won't make anything right-"
"I know, but it's the only thing I can do. I can't let you kill me. I still have to help Sasuke. This is all I can offer you."
"Fine," he muttered and was surprised when Itachi's eyes widened. "What?"
"I expected more resistance."
"I'd love to do more than punch you, 'Tachi. But I'll take what I can get."
Itachi was grinning now and it enraged the white haired shinobi. "Make it count, then."
The words had barely crossed his lips before Kakashi punched him hard, the white haired shinobis right fist connecting with the Uchiha's cheekbone. There was a sickening crack that seemed to echo through the forest as Itachi's head snapped quickly to the side.
"Satisfied?" He licked the blood from his busted lip and spit it onto the forest floor. His teeth must have caught on it and tore his bottom lip open. Kakashis fist had cleanly connected with his cheek and he could already see the skin around his eye beginning to swell.
"Not even close," Kakashi stepped forward, but instead of punching him again, he shoved the boy backwards. Itachi stumbled back and finally turned to meet an angry glare. "You have so much to answer for and I don't even have the time," another shove and Itachi stumbled back again, but didn't retaliate, "to explain to you how fucked," another shoved and Itachi's back hit a large tree, "up this all is."
"How fucked up all what is?" He muttered and Kakashi could hear the apathy that Sasuke had adapted seeping through. Why didn't Itachi feel anything as deeply as Kakashi did?
He grabbed the teen roughly by the shoulders, but before he could do anything else, Itachi broke from his hold and was suddenly shoving him.
"Well go on then, little wolf," another shove to Kakashi who only growled in response. "Tell me what's got you so upset. How have the fates been so cruel to poor little Kakashi?"
Kakashi saw red as the taunting began. He grabbed the teens shoulders again and slammed him back into the tree. "You weren't supposed to," his voice was starting to break and he knew he was losing himself, "you weren't…" What did it matter anymore? The next time Itachi caught him with the Akatsuki in tow, he was as good as dead anyway. He had failed his students, he had failed his friends and his mentor. What did he even have left? He gave in.
Mismatched red and gray eyes met dark black and before he could stop himself Kakashi was pulling down his mask and kissing the teen, hard. He pulled back, licking the Uchiha's blood from his own lips and let his forehead rest against the cool metal of the others hitai-ate. "You weren't supposed to leave me, Itachi," he whispered.
He felt a gentle hand on his neck and it was Itachi who kissed him now. A quick, chaste kiss, but it was enough to have Kakashi coming undone. "Why did you leave me…?"
A chuckle from the Akatsuki member had Kakashi pulling away, knowing he'd made a mistake in his moment of honesty.
"I tried to tell you, Kashi," he said quietly, his face stoic again. "You wouldn't let me explain…"
Kakashi closed his sharingan eye, attempting to preserve some chakra. Itachi may be calm now, but he still couldn't trust him. He had to be ready to fight again if needed.
"What was there to explain?"
"It was a mission-"
"No."
"I promise, it was."
"Not even Danzo would be that cruel, to make someone murder their own clan. To orphan Sasuke and you…"
Itachi nodded. "Danzo would, and he did." He took a step towards Kakashi and closed the gap between them. "But that's not why you're angry…"
"It does make me angry-"
"Yes, but it's not what keeps your hatred for me burning. You think I'd abandon you? That I'd wanted to leave you behind? Kakashi," he brought two fingers under his mentors chin and forced him to look up and meet his gaze. "I only came back that night, risked getting caught, to beg you to come with me."
Kakashi's brow furrowed. "That's not what I remember, tachi."
"Heh," he smirked, "of course not. Because Uchiha's don't beg. The moment you made it clear that you'd never see me as anything more than a murderer… I couldn't handle that rejection. Not from you. Not after I'd lost everyone." Kakashi backed away and reached to grab his hitai-ate from the ground. He fixed it over his sharingan eye and looked back at the Uchiha. "But I am a murderer-"
"That makes two of us," Kakashi couldn't help but tease.
"I couldn't force you to give up your life, to be on the run with me forever. What kind of life is that?"
Kakashi smiled weakly, "better than both of us being broken and alone. At least we'd have each other…"
"Kakashi," the angry tension between them was gone, but a heavy sadness had taken its place, "please don't tell Sasuke. Until Danzo is out of the picture, Sasuke's ignorance of the truth is the only thing keeping him alive."
"Let's take Danzo out together, then. We could go to the hokage. We could-"
"No, we couldn't. I can't destroy the Uchiha name when it's all Sasuke has left and I've set too many things in motion to stop them all now." He looked away, and Kakashi could sense that their time together was nearly over. "I'm so sorry, Kashi. If I had been able to let you go, I wouldn't keep coming back and opening up old wounds. I wouldn't keep bringing you to suffer so much."
The thoughts running through his mind were making it difficult to breathe. Itachi had cared about him, had wanted him to leave the hidden leaf alongside him back then. While Kakashi had felt alone, Itachi had truly been alone. Kakashi had Gai, Genma, Kurenai, Anko, his students and so many others. He may not have appreciated them, but at least they didn't openly hate him. He had a home. He had people that would mourn him. He was a revered shinobi. The copy nin was known well beyond the hidden leaf.
And then there was Itachi, who had suffered silently. Who had protected his brother, had protected Kakashi. He remembered that boy, now, the one who only wanted a first kiss and to find true happiness. The boy who didn't want to fight, but did so to protect those that couldn't. Now he was seeing that same boy, no, man. That man was still sacrificing everything for everyone else's happiness. When would it be his turn?
Kakashi reached out and grabbed Itachi's hands in his, earning a wide eyed look from the teen. "I'll come with you now. My students are training under the sannin so I'm of no use to them anymore. I hate being in the village, surrounded by memories of my failures and what I've lost… we can work together to get Sasuke back to the hidden leaf. Then we can go wherever you want. Even though he doesn't deserve it, I'll even let Danzo keep being a piece of shit and I'll keep his secrets, for you and for Sasuke. I'll take care of you, Itachi," he raised a hand to press his lips against the back of it and then smirked at the blush that came to the Uchiha's cheeks. Even with a freshly black eye and purple, swollen cheek, he was still insanely handsome. "Please, Itachi… let me save you. Just this once."
When Itachi smiled weakly, Kakashi knew he'd lost already. "I can't fix anything now, Kashi. It's too late."
"So this is it? After finding out that I never stopped caring about you, you'll just walk away?"
Itachi leaned forward and pressed his lips gently against the other mans, then pulled away. "I'll come find you again. I promise." And then he was gone, leaving Kakashi alone once again.
