Butterfly Wings
garbagecannot
Summary:
It seems like a terrible thing to say, but Nagisa doesn't think he even knew Jataro existed until a couple of days ago.
Jataro Kemuri is an enigma.
He's been that way since the first day of high school; lingering at the back of the classroom with a leather mask pulled over his face, and screwdrivers in his hands where pencils for schoolwork should be. He never really speaks to anyone without being spoken to, and whenever he does say something it rarely seems to make any sense beyond the pure ramblings of a small child. But he is 15, like the rest of them, and it grows more concerning as time passes on.
At first, the teachers had pestered him about it, even more so than the students ever did, but it all faded with the passing days - when they realized that the mystery is all just part of who he is, and some things are simply better to be left alone.
And it seems that Jataro is always, always seen alone.
Perhaps it's the mask, or the stunted way he talks. Perhaps it's because he paints such beautiful pictures, but shakes whenever he needs to write a sentence, or trips constantly when he needs to play a sport (if you could call flailing movements and getting hit by flying balls a sport).
But perhaps it is none of those things at all.
In the end, Jataro's presence is simply a very small one indeed. He draws eyes to him only on first appearance; and then they forget. He's just 'that one strange kid' or 'that one quiet kid'. Always reduced to a jumble of adjectives or names or nouns. He's almost insignificant, in the grand scheme of things.
It seems like a terrible thing to say, but Nagisa doesn't think he even knew Jataro existed until a couple of days ago. It was when he witnessed the guy being the subject of ridicule, to which Jataro responded with such delight that his bullies fled in confusion, that he first truly took notice of the other young man.
It had caught him off-guard, initially, as he wondered who that weird, scrawny kid was - and it was to his surprise when he entered his mathematics classroom to see the same student seated in the far back corner, drawing on the desk.
"Are you in this class?" Nagisa had blurted without thinking, crossing his arms and tapping his foot as if the other student had been in the wrong.
The boy had looked up, bright eyes curious behind that thick mask of his, and had tipped his head to the side in question. "Are you ... talking to me?"
"Are you dense?" He sighed, but lightly, as to not offend the other; though it looked like it was impossible to offend him, from what he had seen. "You're the only other person here."
"Oh ... sorry. I'm not used to people talking to me. Sometimes it makes me wonder if crickets really live underground or do they blend in with the grass when they chirp? The world may never know."
Nagisa blinked, entirely lost as to where on earth the guy could have pulled crickets out of their conversation. "What are you talking about?" He asked, with a frown setting in his features. "That doesn't make any sense."
That was met with a shrug of shoulders, and a stretching of sleeves over pale hands. "Ah, well, I guess you don't know, then? That's okay. I don't know either. But if I was to catch a cricket, then I would still never know, right? Because it would be with me, and not in the ground where it should be..."
"Anyway, you didn't answer my question."
"You asked me a question?"
"I asked if you were in this class."
"I am." He smiles, albeit a little shyly. "I don't expect you to remember someone as hated as me, Shingetsu-kun. In fact, feel free to hate me all the same."
"You know my name." It's more of a statement than a question. Nagisa feels a little guilty for not knowing the other's.
"Ah, well, would you prefer for me to call you Nagisa? It's a nice name. It reminds me of butterfly wings. I wonder if butterfly wings are thinner than paper or not?"
His interest in Jataro only grows as time goes by. It's nothing beyond curiosity, mind you, but after mentioning the name one time too many - Nagisa accidentally get his friends involved in his conquests to gather intel on the isolated artist; with both Kotoko and Masaru making unnecessary comments the whole way through.
"I wonder if he's got like, burn scars or something?" Kotoko muses aloud, tapping a finger to her chin in a gesture of deep thoughts. "Or maybe he's bald! Or has worms in his hair?"
"That's totally gross," Masaru wrinkles his nose, kicking his legs up on Nagisa's desk. "I bet he just has some really ugly tattoo or something!"
"Like yours?" Kotoko teases.
"Hey! Uncalled for! My tattoo is mega cool!"
"You literally have a red star on your shoulder. That is neither cool nor necessary. Now get off my desk."
"Shut up, Nagisa!" Masaru puffs out his cheeks, but obeys anyway, crossing his legs and leaning back in his chair. "You're no fun."
"Your definition of fun is throwing my book onto the ground and yelling, 'well, now we both can't read'. I hardly think you're one to talk."
Kotoko snickers, "What the heck, Masaru? You can totally read, anyway, so the jokes wasted?"
"Shut up," he grumbles, puffing out his cheeks. "You guys are just jealous of how great I am."
"Totally." Kotoko agrees with a tinge of sarcasm, rolling her eyes.
They don't really interact much, but Jataro and Nagisa slowly establish some sort of quiet communication during class, and if he notices how the artist is slowly paying more attention in class he doesn't say a word about it. It would be good for his grades, and that was the important thing.
But somewhere along the lines, when Nagisa isn't taking excessive notes, or trying to placate the class president Monaka's wishes, they sit in companionable silence and work together.
Jataro talks sometimes, and Nagisa listens.
If that constitutes as friendship, he thinks, then they would already be well on the path of becoming good friends.
Although, he's now aware that half the time, Jataro doesn't even think he's paying attention to what he's saying anymore, and he goes on some strange rambles. It would be amusing, if it didn't make him feel like he was missing something. Nagisa kind of likes the random trivia, but it gets a little morbid when he least expects it.
In any case, he supposes one day he just realizes that they're closer than he remembered.
Gradually, Nagisa begins to start their conversations, and it's a surprise to many in class when he willingly chooses to invite Jataro to join their little ragtag crew. He accepts after a total of 5 tries; innocently assuming that nobody would want him around anyway.
Masaru now greets him with a punch to the shoulder every day. Pranks get popular between these two, especially because the redhead is always ready to shoulder the blame and then point fingers later (for the laughs and for the prospect of being challenged to a fight or whatever Masaru Daimons liked to do, Nagisa supposes).
Kotoko tries to order him around. Sometimes they draw stuff together though, and she manages to convince Jataro to join her on the team for the school play; as nobody could make props quite as effectively as he.
Monaka, when she's not busy flouncing around other friendship groups, generally chooses to make him happy with that odd sort of reverse psychology; where negativity turns to positivity in Jataro's eyes, and so, once again, Monaka is clearly attuned to everyone's emotions. How thoughtful of her.
So then it's fine to call it friendship at that point. And Nagisa is just glad it turned out okay in the end.
But sooner or later, of course, they all begin to question the mask.
It's not the casual guessing like before. Not now, because they know Jataro better and he isn't shy in the slightest, even when he pretends to be.
Nagisa remembers almost getting a heart attack when Masaru dared him to yell 'Masaru Daimon is the best' from the tree in the schoolyard, and Jataro actually went to do it, before Kotoko told him not to tell lies and pulled him back.
So naturally, the question arose - what did he hide behind the mask and why?
"Nothing," was a common response.
Gross descriptions of a melting candle, the face of an alien and a lumpy loaf of meat were others.
The question eventually faded over time though, when everyone just decided the mask was as good as his face was ever going to get, so it was fine to just leave him be.
But friends were friends, and it was bound to come to light eventually.
And it's possibly the absolute opposite of what he - or anyone else - had been expecting.
Beneath the worn leather mask, Jataro Kemuri is, in a word, beautiful.
The three of them discover purely by chance. Masaru got detention for throwing his schoolbag onto the roof in order to get out of class. Kotoko got detention for climbing onto the roof to get it back. Nagisa just decided to stand there, and he got detention for 'not stopping them'. Seriously. Hope's Peak needed to sort out their priorities.
So it's half an hour after school on a Friday when they see Jataro's face for the first time.
Nagisa's mind goes completely blank at a single glance at that face of his; but the social studies prodigy doesn't realize this until it is too late.
Jataro stares, and the shock can finally be seen written across his entire countenance.
He blinks back at Nagisa in the most curious way, lashes feathering across softly defined cheekbones, framing silver eyes full of such life and innocence that it's hard to believe that this is the same mysterious person he'd been intrigued by all semester. The same young man who garnered names like 'turtle head' and 'bag face'. The same one he invited into his friendship group, and could tolerate his scolding to do homework.
Masaru and Kotoko's jaws visibly drop, and Nagisa immediately steps on Masaru's foot to stop him from saying something stupid.
"Ah… you guys saw…" A frown plays across Jataro's lips, as he reaches back to retrieve his mask. "You see... it's horrible! Isn't it? Just by seeing my face, your eyeballs will melt off... I'm sorry you had to witness such a horrifying sight."
"What is wrong with you?!" Cries Kotoko, and Nagisa just refrains from hissing at her.
"No way! He's so pretty!" She whispers, loud in the silent room. Masaru nods in agreement.
"I'm going home," Jataro says quickly, covering his face and speeding out of the classroom. "I-if the teacher comes, can you tell them I was busy? Or, well, you don't have to. It's fine if I get in trouble again… maybe they'll even wanna call my parents… hehe…"
"Have a nice night." Nagisa says.
"Bye bye, cutie-pie." Kotoko chirps, already doing a heel-face turn from the big bully act she so liked to pull. Clearly this unsettled more than just Jataro, as while he's fled the room, Nagisa and Masaru just give her this look. "What?" She asks, tipping her head to the side. "You gotta admit he's cute."
None of them say anything. She's not wrong, after all.
Nagisa has never been a fan of people – take Masaru for example – who often take pride in 'seeing things first', or 'getting things first', or simply 'knowing that thing before it was popular'. It's silly, and he knows it, but he despises the thought of superiority coming from simply 'being first' to find out. That was all up to chance. He'd always preferred the certainties in life.
But knowing Masaru, he brags up a storm.
If Jataro was only being mildly harassed before, it got a whole lot worse. Yet strangely enough, it goes in a completely bizarre direction that nobody could have predicted.
He gets confessions.
Is it the prospect of being mysterious, Nagisa wonders as he watches Jataro fumble with another letter and have no idea what to do with it, or is it just high schoolers being grade schoolers again?
Sometimes, Jataro lets him read the letters, and they're really just… embarrassing, frankly.
Most of the time it ranges from idiots waxing poetic about how beauty comes from within, to the blunt you have pretty eyes so I bet the rest of you is pretty too, and even the occasional I want to pick you up and carry you off into the sunset, my love. The final ones are the worst. He knows how easy it would be to just pick Jataro up - but those were borderline threats of kidnapping.
It's not like everyone's even seen his face either, but Kotoko helps Masaru spread rumors – and those two, along with Monaka, being alarmingly popular, just get their words believed at face-value. Kotoko seems to get the biggest kick out of it, being a total sucker for gossip, and sometimes asks if she can pin some of the letters to the billboard.
Jataro says no, because he doesn't want to humiliate the person who's written it.
It's sweet, if the underlying reason didn't read as he'd 'rather be the one humiliated because everybody hates him anyway.'
But whatever, Nagisa thinks, it's not really any of his business.
Against his own nature, he gets jealous.
Why he would get jealous of those creepy letters or those weird looks is beyond him.
Hitting 16, and then turning 17 must have made him hyper-aware of these sorts of things, Nagisa reasons, especially since nowadays he gets his own confessions and he's no good at that whole love business so he can't ever accept any of them. The attention is nice, but he's just Nagisa. He doesn't want to disappoint anyone who's built him up to be some suave prince of romance, or someone who will help them pass their final exams in exchange for public displays of affection. That's just not his game.
Masaru has probably dated everyone at this point - everyone outside their friendship circle at least - but Nagisa doesn't really question it. They're all growing up in different ways, and it's not like he's the star athlete's father. Nor would he want to be. Masaru's father is an asshole.
Perhaps what actually triggered this change was the concept of growing up.
Kotoko and Monaka have matured too, though they had a dispute at 16 that formed a rift in their friendship that never quite healed, and Jataro's taller, and certainly less reserved, but he's never seen sitting alone anymore and Nagisa is glad for it.
So why on earth is he jealous?
"Are you okay?" Jataro confronts him about it one day, having grown attuned to Nagisa's emotions during the past two years and eventually noticing something was up. He may not understand what's going on, but he'd certainly try, and in a way, Nagisa wishes he wouldn't.
"I'm fine, just... tired."
The artist pulls a face. "Oh, that's not nice. Did your parents make you pull an all-nighter again?"
"No. And don't give me that look."
"Say, do you wanna hear what happened to me today?"
"Are you going to give me a choice?" Nagisa smiles wryly.
"No," Jataro grins. "Y'know I finally managed to make a tower out of those letters, by the way! It's in the art room, if you want to see it, maybe you don't, whatever, anyway, but uh, that's not what I was going to talk about..."
He suppresses whatever ill feelings he may hold towards the letters and smiles again. "Congratulations."
"Hehe, it's nothing much... oh yeah!" The artist chuckles, waving his arms for emphasis. "I'm going to make a new mask! That's what I was going to tell you. And now I've forgotten what I was going to say about today... ugh... remind me later, I'm not going to remember it now. It's like that time with the bicycle..."
Nagisa gestures to his face, attention caught by this new tidbit of information. "Your ... that mask?"
"Yeah," Jataro comes back on track, blinking his bright eyes. "It's been really stuffy for a long time, and I guess I just had to ask my mom if I could change it? And she said it was fine, as long as I did all the work myself and never bothered her about it again. And I said yeah! Okay! That's fine! You wouldn't want to see me around anyway! So yeah! I'm making a new one."
"Is that ... the only reason?" He peers imploringly at the other boy. "You've been wearing that since forever."
"It's the only reason, sorta?" He giggles. "It's not like I care that much, but next year's our last year so I thought I might as well. And maybe someone told me I should? And it got me thinking, that hey, even if I don't listen to a lot of the things people say -"
"Someone told you to?"
"I do read all the letters, you know," He rolls his eyes, "Even if some of them are almost as much a piece of garbage that I am."
That's new. He'd assumed Jataro had never cared about the letters, but now he's changing because of one? Against his will, Nagisa feels the jealousy twist in his gut. Even he couldn't get Jataro to do things just by saying the word. Though, now that he thinks about it, Jataro often endeavored to stay out of trying to aggravate him anyway. That was Kotoko and Masaru's jobs.
"It's your mask." He shrugs, nonchalant.
"You're right." Jataro beams, fingering the strip of fabric falling off the mask he's already wearing. "You're definitely right."
Jataro's new mask draws way too much attention.
His mouth and jawline, and pretty much the entirety of his face from the tip of the nose down is suddenly on full display - and even if it's not supposed to, Nagisa (and Kotoko and Masaru and Monaka make the same comment) feels like it's a little too revealing.
It's stupid, but the fact that he's suddenly realized that even the lower half of Jataro's face is actually kind of attractive on its own makes him cringe both internally and externally; especially because it finally enables him to recognize the source of his long-suffering jealousy.
He likes him. Likes the boy who related his name to butterfly wings (though they had no relation whatsoever). Likes the boy who is gorgeous behind the mask but hates to show it off. Likes the boy who talks too much, and creates beautiful works of art.
And now he knows, he knows that he is also screwed.
Now, it is not only because Nagisa is famously bad at hiding his emotions.
He's good at avoiding questions (maybe), but faced with the dilemma of bottle it up forever or tell Jataro eventually, Nagisa chooses option c - which is freak the hell out.
Masaru is the first to notice, and obviously, because it's Masaru, he makes it a big deal. Or a bigger deal than before.
"What's got your panties in a twist?" The conversation starts, ever the most eloquent.
"Leave me alone." Nagisa tells him, flipping through his textbook but not quite processing what he's reading.
"I think something's bothering you," the redhead sings obnoxiously, getting right up into Nagisa's personal space until he bops him on the head with the book.
"I think you should mind your own business."
"It can't be your grades," Masaru croons, "Your grades are always perfect. Is it your hair? Your lack of my greatness? Your heart?"
"None of the above." He grits his teeth, but the reddening of his cheeks is all Masaru needs to catch the fish and reel it in.
"Oooh, Nagisa, are you in loooove?"
Nagisa doesn't miss the "about damn time" that his friend mutters either, but chooses not to call him out on it. He could attack Masaru's love life later, maybe when the athlete decided to finally take his relationships seriously, as he's been avoiding for quite some time now.
"I'm not going to say this again. Mind your own business."
"So you are!" Masaru grins like he's won the lottery and leans over his desk without invitation. "Who is it?"
"No."
"It seriously took you this long! Why can't you tell me?"
"B-because you're wrong."
"You stuttered."
"No, I didn't!"
"You know, Nagisa, if you were gay for me -"
Nagisa bops him with the book again, and frowns. "I am not."
"Chill, man," he raises his hands in surrender. "It was a joke. Kotoko, then?"
"No. I am not playing 'guess who' with you."
"Monaka?"
"Masaru, I already told you not to - "
"I'm just messin' with ya," The athlete grins, a little too wide for comfort. Nagisa narrows his eyes suspiciously. "I know who you're into, pal. You've been into her since 10th grade."
"W-what?"
"Hatsune Miku, right?" Masaru winks, and then gets hit again and glares at Nagisa. "Hey! Can't you take a joke?!"
"If you're going to be annoying, then leave."
"As I said," Masaru clears his throat, scowl still gracing his features. "I was just messin' with ya. I just know you can't deal with this on your own, so I thought I'd lighten the mood."
"I can deal better than you can." Nagisa sighs.
"But I know you'll never be able to say your problems out loud until it's too late." The redhead echoes his sigh, scratching his cheek. "You like Jataro, don't you?"
Nagisa stills, feeling his face heat involuntarily all the way to the tips of his ears. Dammit.
"I... it's not like I... what are you..."
"Shh, Nagisa. Don't start." Masaru crosses his arms. "Don't even question me. The great Masaru Daimon knows all."
"Well, now that the great Masaru Daimon has sufficiently made his friend uncomfortable, can he get out?"
"Ouch, Nagisa. Wow."
"... sorry."
The redhead only laughs. Then, raising Nagisa's suspicions, he winks. "I don't care what's going on in that big brain of yours, man. But if you gotta do any explaining, go explain to Jataro." He jerks his thumb to the door with a grin. "Go on, lover boy. Stop doubting yourself, and just do it."
He hates that he's listening to Masaru of all people, but he stands, and accepts the pat on the back begrudgingly. Nagisa doesn't want to fuel his ego either, so he doesn't exactly thank the athlete for the support, but he knows Masaru gets it, because the redhead winks again and pushes him towards the classroom exit.
Which opens by itself, and Jataro trips in through the door.
"W-wait, hold on a sec - " the artist twirls and calls behind him, but a flash of pink hair is all Nagisa sees, before the door closes behind him and peals of laughter can be heard in the corridor. Nagisa's eyes flicker back to where Masaru was standing, but damn his stupid P.E. skills, the redhead has already somehow made it out the window and is running towards the school entrance, arms raised in joy. "Oh," Jataro whispers. "There they go."
Nagisa's gaze meets his, and he raises an eyebrow. "Kotoko?"
"Yeah..." Jataro nods. "She was gonna lock me in a closet, actually... but then, she said something came up, and I just let her drag me here because I thought...! Well, never mind. I'm here. And you're here."
"Is the door locked?"
Jataro shuffles his feet. "Well, I'm standing in front of it?"
"So you're not going to let me out until you get something out of this conversation?"
"I, uh..." the artist averts his gaze. "Heard. What Masaru said. Earlier..."
Nagisa feels his face heating up all over again. This could not be healthy. "Oh, that."
"I know you didn't exactly agree to it, but... can I just ask you directly?" He looks uncharacteristically nervous. "I know... I shouldn't assume things, but for some reason, my heart felt like it was going to jump out of my ribcage, so I thought maybe I should just settle this? Do you like me, Nagisa?"
"U-uh, like, that is, if you put it that way..." he trails off, not trusting his own voice. This is not the conversation he wants to be having right now. Or ever. It was easier when he could just freak out about it on his own.
"Ah, but I'm pretty unlikable, huh?" Jataro tips his head to the side, loose locks of sandy hair slipping out through his mask. "Forget about it, maybe I should just -"
"I, I, no, wait, hold on, just let me," Nagisa holds up a hand, trying to sort his words out and for gods' sake, stop stuttering. "There's really... no easy way to go about this."
"You could always say that you hate me..." Jataro's eyes seem to light up a little, but it's not the same flare as usual.
"No, no, that's not it. I... I do, I like you. I mean. I just. I don't know..." Great explanation. Gold star for trying.
"Nagisa." With a firm tone of voice, Jataro says, almost out of place, "Do things the way you want to. I trust you, y'know? Even if you wanted to turn me into roadkill, I -"
"Jataro, that's beside the point."
"Whoops, hehe, sorry..."
A moment of silence passes.
"Can I... do you mind if I..." Nagisa takes a deep breath, trying to keep his sentences coherent. "Do you mind if I ask you the same question? Do you like me?"
"Oh," Jataro blinks owlishly. "Of course I do. I like you more than anyone else in the world."
The other chokes, hiding his face in his hands. "Do you have to be so blunt?"
"I'm just being honest. What's wrong?"
"I think... this form of 'like'..."
Jataro cackles. "You're just... it's like... wow. I didn't think I'd know more about something than you would, ever, but here it is! Huh... this is weird...! You are surprisingly innocent, even though you read the things that you do...!"
"W-what do you mean?"
"Let's just say," the artist grins, "I've learnt a lot more than I should have through those letters, hehehe. And I'd say, I like you in a number of really, really complex ways! So I don't mind, when I say do whatever you want. I mean it. Do whatever you want! Whatever you want is fine."
Nagisa swallows, hoping Jataro is well aware how his phrasing would sound to the average person. But with the mischievous smile on the artist's face, he can't really doubt it.
"I think... I do, like you, I mean." Nagisa breathes, aware of how elementary the words sound from his mouth. This is harder than he thought. "I wouldn't mind ... going out with? Dating? You. Uh, yeah, no, sorry, that probably doesn't make any sense, but..."
"Mm," Jataro hums. "You drew a big long circle, but you got there in the end! Okay, I guess that's fine then. I like you, so I'll go out with you if you can stand me. And if you can't... you can take my original idea and turn me into -"
"I am no turning you into roadkill. Nor am I ever turning you into roadkill. Now stop bringing that up, you're ruining the mood."
"There's a mood?"
"Jataro, just - just hold still for a second."
He can't bring himself to kiss the other - oh god, Nagisa you're just about 18, what the hell is this - so he just brings him into a hug, but Jataro seems pleasantly surprised, so maybe that's okay. They can take it easy, just like they've always done.
"I like your hugs," the artist murmurs. "And I like you."
"Same," Nagisa replies softly, still a little embarrassed that his first choice action was a hug.
"I'm kinda - kinda glad. Even though someone like me doesn't deserve this... from the very start, you made me feel like... I mattered... to someone. Sorry, it probably sounds pathetic... I should just sew my mouth shut and stop talking..."
"No, I'm... glad, too. You're important to me, and I'm happy that I met you." He knows his face is probably burning beyond help by now, but he feels like it has to be said. Even if it's just once, he has to say how he really feels. And when Jataro squeezes him closer, his chest feels light. "Say, do you remember what you said when we first met? About my name?"
"About... about the butterfly wings?"
"Yes." He smiles. "I think, in the end, they suit you more than they suit me."
"I don't understand what you mean..."
"It's okay. Just accept it for now. Maybe one day I'll find the words to tell you what I mean."
Jataro laughs. "In a letter?"
"Well." He rolls his eyes. "Maybe, in a letter."
