We're taking a little break. I can hear the creatures, but I can't see them. They seem to like the smaller side tunnels better. We may feel exposed out here in the open, but I think it's the safest place.

You know, I really liked that zombie's hat. I found another one just like it floating down the tunnel a few minutes ago. The Riddler must be close. I hope they let me take the head. Joker would like that.

If there is a head.

--

Mother of God. The time is 5:07 and the Riddler is alive. He looks like he's been run over by a lawnmower and beaten in the face with a spiked club, but he's alive.

There was someone with him when we found him, a chick a couple of years younger than me. I saw her first, sitting there at the end of the tunnel with nothing but a book of matches.

"Hey," I said. She nearly jumped out of her skin. "Relax. We aren't going to hurt you. Okay?" She nodded.

"You're here for the Riddler, aren't you? There was this other guy…those things ate him…"

"Do you know where to find the Riddler?" I asked.

"He's right here. I've been keeping them away from him, but I can't get him out of here by myself." She stepped to the side, giving us a look at the pitiful little bundle of misery she had been shielding.

He was lying on the cold stone floor, curled up in a loose little ball, shivering and barely conscious. Poor little guy. I'm not saying I've never beaten a guy senseless and left him for dead, but this was just harsh.

From what I can tell, he got in a fight with someone topside. That guy, whoever he was, beat the hell out of him. I mean really just smashed his face in, like the time the Incredible Hulk fought Helen Keller. Okay, so that never actually happened. But if it had, I imagine it would have turned out something like this.

So someone beat him and dumped him in the sewer. And then the creatures got to him.

And somehow, this mousy little woman found him and chased away the monsters that can't be touched?

Hmm. I knelt down to take a better look at him.

His silly green suit had been torn to shreds, and he looked like he had lost a lot of blood—and when I say a lot, I mean a lot—but I thought he would live if we could get him out of there in time.

"Edward Nygma?" I said, carefully touching his shoulder.

"Hnnn…"

"Oh, he can't talk. Broken jaw," she explained. Ned and Ted laughed.

"It must be killing him…"

"…not being able to make his smart-ass comments."

"Oh, shut up, you assholes." I opened up my bag—of course I was the only one with the sense to bring any supplies for a weekend sewer trip. I covered the Riddler with my camping blanket. "I'm Liss, representing the Joker." I almost told her to call me Chuckles. I have so many names I could have given. But these days I just want to be Liss. "This is Ned and Ted, for Two-Face, and George, for Scarface."

"Lexy," said the other woman. She didn't offer to tell us who she was working for, and I didn't ask.

"How did you manage to drive those things off?" I asked instead.

"They're afraid of fire."

"No way," said George. "You mean you scared those things off with just a couple of matches?"

"Actually, I've been playing Dragon Breath, but I ran out of tequila." I always loved that trick. Last time I tried it, though, I ended up setting my own shirt on fire. Props to a girl with skills, I guess.

"Did your boss send you down here with nothing but matches and tequila?"

She shushed me.

"They know I'm out of alcohol. They'll be coming back soon."

A splash, the sound of claws on stone, the creepy feeling that something eyeless is watching you…simple paranoia, or a sign that the things are here? No way to tell until it's too late.

Lexy ripped a few pages out of my notebook to start a fire. Turned me into a twitchy mess, I'll tell you. I mean, nobody touches my babies.

My maternal instincts are a little wonky these days.

I'm a little pissed off that we're burning my stuff, drinking my nice clean bottled water, eating my food. It's damn unprofessional of them to come down here completely unprepared. The poor little Riddler can't open his mouth to eat or drink or speak. The best he can do is point and grunt, and every time he does that, he gets this look like he's about to cry. He's more alert than he was when we found him. Too bad. Poor guy's scared out of his mind. Not that I blame him.

Ned and Ted won't quit hassling him. I'm starting to really dislike those guys. If I have to plug them when we get back up top, I think I can do it without losing too much sleep.

Speaking of sleep, we're all exhausted from traipsing around in the sewer for hours or days on end, and we're at least a mile from the nearest hole big enough for us to crawl out of, so we've decided to spend the night here on this sheltered little piece of dry land.

Of course, I get first watch.

So I'm just sitting here, watching shadows dance just out of reach. I'm trying to keep Eddie calm.

Yeah, I want to call him Eddie. What of it? We're all going to have to get pretty chummy while we're down here.

Until we get up to the surface and it occurs to everyone that a man is a lot harder than a corpse to split four ways.

--

Eddie (can I call you that?)

I just realized that just because you can't talk doesn't mean you can't communicate. Are you still able to read and write?

water

please

I hope some of that got in you.

Do you know who these other guys are?

Me neither. I don't know how much any of them can be trusted, so let's try not to attract their attention, okay?

The kid doesn't want you. He just came down here to find out what the rest of us were up to. The twins are going to try to take you to Two-Face. I think your chances of escaping him are about 50/50, and you don't strike me as that kind of gambler. As for the girl, I don't know who she's working for or what they want with you, but I'm sure you realize it's safer to stick with the devil you know.

You do know my devil, the Joker. He didn't tell me exactly why he wants you, but I know he doesn't want to just kill you. So my question is, when we get out of here, are you going to make things easy for me, or would you rather take your chances with the other guys?

why should you never play poker in the jungle

Cheetahs? You mean me? Or them? Or my boss? All of the above?

I promise, I can guarantee your safety at least until we reach the Joker's hideout. I think that's more than you'll get from anyone else. I can't really give you anything more than a promise, but hey, I used to be cool with Batman. Superman, too. Is that good enough?

You don't look happy. Do you know something I don't? What does the boss want with you?

how do you get an elephant into a safe

I don't get it.

Can you give me something more than riddles?

how do you keep an idiot in suspense

You'll tell me later? Fine. Hold onto your bargaining chip. I respect that.

But I want you to know there's nothing that's going to stop me from taking you to my boss, whether you make it easy for me or not.

an eye for an eye

What? If you don't start making sense, I'm going to quit handing over my pen.

An eye for an eye leaves everyone blind? Are you saying the Joker doesn't know anything? Can't you just tell me?

Make some damn sense!

Relax. It's okay.

seven in a single blow

I see.

--

Poor man. I didn't mean to scare him. I know he's been through a lot. But that riddle crap is just irritating.

Seven in a single blow. I know that's from a story I read as a kid. Or maybe a cartoon? I can't remember.

Is it a reference to the sinking of the Turnabout? There were seven survivors, including me.

Turnabout, setting out on its maiden voyage, pride of the Colossus Line. They started calling it the new Titanic, afterward.

Wasn't there something about a giant in that story?

Little Riddler, do you know something I don't know? Or do you just want me to think you do?

I guess this is my conundrum. If he does know something about my boy, and I hand him over to the boss, God only knows when the information will trickle down to me.

Then again, do I really want to double cross the boss? His indulgence only goes so far, even with his darlin' protégé. This time last year, I never would have dared think about it.

I sense this is going to end with someone not wanting to be my friend anymore.

--

Edward Nygma, you clever little bastard.

--

Fuck. Twins. Kill them.

--

Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.. Shit.

I'M WADING THROUGH SHIT HERE! This sucks! This is not worth it. And if I ever catch those fucking twins, I'm going to kill them.

I knew it was a mistake to go to sleep last night. Fucking Ned and Ted took the Riddler and left us.

You know what woke me up? Claws on the back of my neck. Bitch!

We ran for it. Had to leave behind all my supplies, except my notebook and pen, of course. Can't leave behind the essentials.

Those fucktards are going to pay me back. With a little interest.

--

I hear screaming.