Chapter eleven

Bam looked at his ringing cell phone and sighed heavily before setting it down. The call was from one of the last people he wanted to talk to; the mother of his un-born illegitimate child. She had been calling him all day and he didn't answer his phone any time that she called him. After hearing the last ring that indicated that she hung up, he lied back down on the couch. He stared up at the ceiling for a little while. The only movement he made was the blinking of his eyes and the rising and falling of his chest as he breathed.

For the past few weeks Bam had become deeply depressed. He didn't set foot out of his parents' house since he got there. April tried talking to him many times but a lot of the time Bam refused to respond to her. He had originally gone there so he could get help sorting things out but shortly after he got there he realized that things had gotten much more mixed up, especially when April tried talking to him and suggesting things that he should do.

He was too scared to even talk to Sara, because the only thing that they would be able to talk about was the baby. Every time he thought about the baby he thought about Missy and how he screwed up his life. He knew that there was no reason for him to cheat on Missy, but he did it any way and now he was paying big time for it. He had no idea what it took to be a good father or if he was even ready for it. But whether he was ready for it or not, the baby was going to be born.

He was too scared to go back home. After everything that had happened, even before news of the baby came along, he could not stand to be by himself. He discovered that once he was alone the voices that kept taunting him in his head turned out to be the worst. It was so hard for him to block the voices out whenever he managed to do so, and when he was by himself in a large empty house the voices seemed to echo loudly within the walls of his head. The voices scared him just as badly as the thought of the baby scared him, perhaps more, and he didn't know what to do about them. Some reason he found that when he was around April the voices could not be heard. Just hearing the sound of her voice when she talked to him helped him to stay calm and to keep the voices away.

He was too scared to even face his own fame. It was his fame that originally brought him into this state. He hated his own fame and thought that the longer he wasn't at home, the better it would be for him. He had planned on eventually going back home and face a big part of what he feared and hated. But right now he was too depressed to leave Phil and April's house.

...

April walked into the bedroom where Bam was staying in. This was the room that he stayed in when he lived there. Bam lay curled up on the bed with the blanket barely even covering his legs. With his back facing away from the door she couldn't tell if he was sleeping or just quietly laying still. She walked over to the bed and gently sat on the space behind Bam.

"Bam?" She said softly

Bam stirred a little. She placed a hand on his arm and raised her voice some.

"Bam you awake?"

He stirred again and lifted his head slightly. His eyes opened but he didn't turn to look at her.

"I am now. What do you want?"
"I just wanted to know if you would want to eat something."
"Eat something?"
"I have dinner ready. Would you like me to fix you a plate?"
He paused for a few seconds "Yeah sure I guess."

April nodded her head and then stood up. Bam sat up and turned to face her.

"April wait. I want to talk to you."
She turned back around and looked at him "What about?"
"Well it's just um… that I…" He sighed and looked down "I've been thinking a lot…"
"Thinking about what?"
He shook his head "I don't want to tell you."
"You can tell me, you know you can."
"I know I can tell you. I just don't want to tell you."
"Bam please talk to me. If you have something on your mind then tell me what it is."
He took a deep breath and then looked at her with sad eyes "It's just that… I uh… I've been… I've been thinking about… um… if I died."
"If you died?"
Bam nodded "Yeah… like if I took my own life."

April gasped hearing Bam's suicidal statement. She sat on his bed next to him, stunned, and he began to explain everything he had on his mind.