Soooooo, while I wasn't posting anything here, I was still writing. I was torturing a group of friends with weekly no-effort shitposts and I have decided that I will post the first 10 episodes of it here cuz I have nothin' else to do.
Also I won't edit a single thing so, pardon my formatting
Also, also, episode no. 3, 4, 7 the bonus ones are exceptionally cruel, I won't be adding those. (Edit: I will add one bonus episode.)



Episode 1: Weekly shitpost fics#1
"Subaru."
A black-haired boy was taking a break after his workout session when he heard a 'DONG DONG DONG' sound.
"Yes, Emilia-tan?"
"I was saying that… HAPPY FEET DUNDERHEAD"
Before Subaru could register what he was told, an angel stepped on him.
"MMPH~"
Subaru orgasmed.
"How does that feel? Fuhuhuhu," Emilia laughed while internally thanking the person who wrote that novel.
"Emilia-tan…"
Subaru had recovered the energy he lost from orgasming by falling butt down on the ground. Using that energy, he shot back up, pushed her down and stepped on her.
"Aah~ aah~ aaah~ MMMPH~"
Emilia had a squirting orgasm. Then they both shag. Happy ending.

Episode 2: Weekly shitpost fics#2
"Beako, is my pizza ready?"
"I suppose."
Subaru takes hold of the pizza with his two hands in a dramatic slow motion while his eyes tenderly twinkle like stars. Truly a Subaru.
Subaru gradually, painfully slowly takes the pizza closer and closer to his mouth, letting his mouth salivate plenty.
Inching closer…
And closer…
Closer…
Closer…
"WHICH ASSHOLISH CURRY MUNCHING CUCKASS PUT A FUCKING PINEAPPLE IN MY PIZZA!!!!??????"
He screamed so fucking hard that the sound waves broke all the windows and opened up all the doors to the room.
Subaru began frantically turning his head around, ignoring the spirit loli who got shanked by a shard of glass.
As the echoes of the shattering glass, the fallen body and the hinge of the doors faded, he spotted something… No someone… …
It was as if the world stopped revolving,
The frogs were burping,
It was as if his bussy was burning,
Outside, the crickets were lurking and observing,
Cuz behind the travesty,
Was Emilia twerking.



Episode 5:

Priscilla is force-fed a pile of peas.
"GET AWAY FROM ME, YOU WRETCHED COMMONER MONGREL!" she screamed in terror.
"EAT IT" said the zombie.
You might be wondering how we got here. Well, it was about a week ago when—Classic flashback time, lmao
"Emilia-tan, you should eat your veggies," said a black-haired boy.
"I can't hear youuuuu~" she replied.
"Well. Whether you can hear me or not doesn't matter…"
"Hm?" she raised her eyebrows in query as she munched and gobbled the meat.
"CUZ I AM GOING TO SHOVE THIS PILE OF GREEN SHIT IN YOU' MOUTH!"
With tremendous velocity, he launched his spoon assault. Unfortunately for him, Emilia was much faster.
She caught the spoon mid-way, spun it around and fed the pile of green shit to Beako instead.
"HRRNG!!?"
"Kids should always eat their veggies. It will help you grow faster," she said.
In the subsequent instant, Beatrice turns into a zombie and breaks through the window.
""Sh*t""
Flashback ends.
Priscilla is force fed more peas. She then proceeds to become a zombie, lol.


Episode 6: This episode doesn't use the word 'cum' even once

Emilia, the majestic orphan, was menacingly standing there, looking at the country statistics.
"Lugunica is a reaaally safe place now that Subaru punched a penguin into the royal prison," she said to herself with a vague joyous smile.
As she was chilling there, a maid came in and served her a tray of goth ham.
She picks it up and eats it. "Hmmm~. Tastes thicc."
"Rem's sacrifice was worth it after all," she said and went back to continue her maid duties.
As the silver-haired lady was about to finish the rest of her meal, an explosion explodes, destroying the delicate goth ham. Rem was sacrificed in vain after all. As the smoke cleared out, entruent Aldebarab and Priscilla Bakery.
Aldebarab was a man, but Arabian and Priscilla was a baker, but a bitch.
"Oh no! It's the Arabian and the not Arabian! They hate me because I spit too many fax," she cried out.
"THEY WEREN'T FACTS, THEY WERE INSULTS!"
Emilia calls Ram for assistance…
She comes in.
"What's the matter, Emi—"
Emilia throws Ram at Aldebarab. Aldebarab tosses her like a coin and has to go home because she landed on her head.
Emilia then looks at the final enemy left, "It is just you and I, Bakery."
"Society sucks," she replied. "You drink water, I drink monarchy."
Emilia looks around for her parents, but they are still dead. This makes her have anger. She inserts her pinky in her nose, picks out a boogie and slingshots it on her enemy.
Priscilla Bakery deflects it with her thick buns, a hot power.
"Stop twerking you slut! No running or twerking in the authorities' office," she calmly explains.
"I have never followed a rule made by a lowly mongrel. That is my rule. Do you follow? I don't."
Emilia realized she was in a dire situation. She called for Subaru…
"Yes my dear, Emil—"
"Subaru, quickly! Give birth to Beatrice!!" She commanded in haste.
Subaru bows and begins the process, since it's his job.
Priscilla now has a present in her hand. She juggles it over to Emilia.
Emilia opens the present since she is a naive, cute, kind and nice person. It contains a coupon for new parents, but is expired. This is a Priscilla Bakery joke.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" she screams in pure agony.
"The name's Bakery, Priscilla Bakery. And the throne is mine, just as how it has always belonged to mineself."
Lugunica is forced into slavery and it's literally 1984. They go through the dark age phase for the first time, all thanks to Subaru not being able to give birth to Beatrice fast enough.



Episode 8: Beato De Cheeto and The Chamber of Toys

"The market price of appas has skyrocketed!" Subaru noted with surprise as he sipped on his chicken soup.
He began eating the desert.
"Well," Began the beautiful sound of silver bells. "A flood had occurred recently and it caused many of the appas farms to get ruined. Furthermore, the kingdom doesn't give them much privileges either," the voice grew despondent by the end of her words and the beautiful amethyst eyes of the lady trembled with pity and empathy for the appa farmers.
Noticing that her eyes dimmed, Subaru began gently, "Don't you worry, Emilia-tan. There is always— *COUGH* *COUGH* *COUGH*" Subaru choked on his desert. (A/N: What a fucking loser)
Emilia gasped, hurriedly grabbed the nearest glass of water, instantly closed the distance between them with a single hop using her long legs, and handed the glass to him as she patted his back.
"Are you okay? Don't you know that you shouldn't speak when eating? Where are your manners?? Subaru, you are such a bad boy," The silver-haired step mother scolded the poor boy with the speed of a bullet.
"Thank you, but would you stop treating me like your child!?!?"
While these two were being wholesome, Beatrice descended into crack off-screen.
Entruent: Beato de cheeto
"Where art mine sweeteth, dear contractore?" She asked as she tapped her foot.
"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!" Subaru felt the impact of his crushed foot reverberate through his body.
"Subaru!" Emilia cried out his name in worry turned terror. She immediately proceeded towards him with the intention of distancing Beatrice and healing him.
"Don't thou interfere in our negotiations, half-wit," Said Beato de cheeto and TP'ed the silver-haired lady to the hot Roswaal mansion dungeon/chamber, which was full of toys and would serve the purpose of keeping her distracted.
"What… Arkh you doing… Beako?" Subaru questioned out with disbelief wrapping his tone.
Beato de cheeto closes the distance between them in an instant and slaps 'em. Two of his teeth get knocked Outta his mouth.
"PHHOAAGHH" Subaru replied. It was a language Beato de cheeto couldn't understand.
"Where art mine sweeteth, dear contractore?" She repeated again.
"Igh *cough* don't knouw," Beatrice wasn't gonna get fooled by that shit.
She pushes him down and towers over him.
"Huh?... *Cough* How ARE YOU BUILDING SCAFFOLD OUT OF THIN AIR????" Subaru asked in utter disbelief.
"Shut the f*ck up," she explained.
After she built an inverted L which let her be at a higher ground than Subaru, she spoke again, looking straight down at Subaru's eyes.
"Think, Signior Subaru! Think!" She put two fingers on either side of her head. "Where
THE FUCK
A R T M I N E
S W E E T E T H!!!!??"
Subaru was really unsettled by how Beako's voice turned so demonic in a single sentence.
He remembered how he was pleasantly choking on the sweets as an angel took care of him.
"I-I… I…"
"I?" Beato de cheeto signaled him to hurry up.
"...I ate it!" Subaru closed his eyes and pushed the words out of his throat. He hoped Beako would forgiv—
"Then I must feed on thy mass, dear contractore," she replied in a matter of fact way of speaking.
"Wha—"
Beato de cheeto gobbled down her contractor limb by limb, organ by organ, till eventually everything of him was in her stomach and turned into mana.
The end.



Episode 9: Re:Zero but The Emilia Camp is from The Hood

A black haired boy gets summoned to re zero, gets slapped after entering a ladies' bathroom and is about to be poked to death with a metallic stick by a stickman.
"Oh no! The tree is going to plant it's seed in me!" Exclaimed Subaru in terror.
"For the fifth time: I AM A HUMAN!" Replied the stickman with anger. He spun his metallic stick and was about to shank Subaru when—
"Stop yo' ass right there!" The melody of shining, beautiful silver bells interrupted their civil dispute.
"Hey! What the hell did you just say!?" Said a nutjob who was standing beside the living tree branch, visibly offended.
"Who gave you the permission to speak??? Shut' sho't ass up, nibba. You so down to Earth, you wouldn't even be able to give me an oral on yo' tip-toes," the silver-haired woman destroyed the nutman.
He evaporated.
Subaru's eyes twinkled as he took in the sight of the lady, valiantly fighting the thugs to save an insignificant nobody like him.
"I don't think this plunder is worth it, boss! Let's get out of here!" Enter body-shaming description for the fat ass.
"...No! We have come so far, we can't back down now!" Said the stickman moments before being hit on the head with a dildo-shaped icicle.
He coomed so hard, most of the energy of his body flooded away and he was left as an infection vulnerable slab of meat on the cold hard ground.
Subaru began the process of simping since it was his job.
"Oh no! Anyways, I must run away and find a new alliance to rob lower tier losers," cried out the *enter body-shaming description* and ran away.
"You aight, bro?" She asked the downed child.
"Yes. Thank you for—"
"BRO! LOOK AT THAT ASS' JIGGLE PHYSICS BRO HAHAHAHAHAHA" Emilia laughed out loud as she saw the *enter body-shaming description* run away, while swaying his fat ass left and right, up and down. Just like a pendulum.
"OH NOO—" The *enter body-shaming description* heard her. His fat ass sublimed due to the utter humiliation.
Subaru's eyes had miniature Pleiades constellations inside them now. He creamed himself as well.
"..." He was so infatuated that he was rendered speechless.
"Nibba, you gonna' stand up or is gravity doin' you dirty?" The amethyst-eyed lady asked rudely, hiding the concern she felt for she was just a member of the hood. "Stand up already, I have got places to be and children to punch."
"Ah-I am sorry, I—Wait what do you mean by chil—"
"You asking more questions than I would allow even that clown to bruh," she intercepted his question with exasperation. "And by child, more specifically, I mean a pee headed child," she muttered the last bit with concealed anger.
"You mean blonde child," corrected Subaru.
"Shut up and pay back your favour already."

"I will do it in another episode, I guess."

"Fine. It's a deal then, bro."



Bonus episode time, woo: Lugunica Abnegates All Mortal Possessions To The Silver Queen

"ALL HAIL EMILIA KOSUJIN-SAMA!!!"
"yes," replied a black-haired boy as he licked his beloved's foot.
"Calm down, everyone. Seriously, what happened to everyone!?" moaned a silver-haired, other-worldly beauty as she desperately tried to get her knight to stop licking her foot.
Ever since the fic began, (it began off-screen :Irrelevant369.A269:) Emilia kosujin-sama was being treated like a God, no. A God is too pathetic to compare to the masterpiece of an existence that was my master.
I, the narrator, am the pet fish of Emilia. It's only one-sided as an-existence-higher-than-God frantically denied me the right to be her pet fish. So it's more like I am Emilia's wannabe pet fish.
I wanted to abnegate all mortal possessions to her, but her highness frantically refused. That is why, I created this "fic" that made each and every person in Lugunica forcefully abnegate all their meagre mortal possessions to Emilia Kosujin-sama.
"EMILIA-SAMA! I SACRIFICE MY NEWBORN TO YOUR MAJESTY!!!"
"WAI DON'T," Emilia.
Among all the shouting, a faint crunch and squelch reached everyone's ears.
Oh also, I forgot to mention but Subaru gouged his eyes out.
Also, also, all the royal candidates were crucified cuz they were willing to stand as "equals" to her highness. Talk about ramblings of an insane person.
"MASUTÃH EMILIA!" Subaru called her majesty from beside the purified space beside her.
"WHAT DO I DO SUBARU!? THEY WON'T STOP SACRIFICING THINGS I-*sniff*IN MY *Cough* N-NAME!!"
an-existence-higher-than-God is the ultimate being. The only one who is supposed to have anything. The only one, that WILL HAVE ANYTHING.
"I ABNEGATE MY AND MY FAMILY'S UNDERWEAR TO YOU EMILIA-SAMA!!"
"DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON'T"
OH WAIT! That's a very good idea!
*Zip*



Episode 10: Natsuki Subaru, The Third Leg Swinger

It was an eventful afternoon in the Capitol. More specifically, in a certain dark alleyway.
Three thugs: Larkins, that-short-guy-who's-name-I-cannot-remember and that-other-guy-who-I-have-body-shamed-enough-to-get-me-canceled-on-Twitter.
The three had just looted a poor guy who claimed to be an 'honorary citizen of Deetroit'. They couldn't really understand what he meant. The three mofos mused he was a noble as scourging his bag revealed, what seemed to be a rectangular piece of bread, with spiced tomatoes on top of it. It was half-eaten, but it was also quite delicious. And it served to put their confidence on an all time high.
They began camping in the alleyway again. Open to destroying some more bozos. They began their wait...
And wait long, they did not. For in front of them approaching, was another victim. They smiled ferociously—for they were majestic guiltylowes—overseeing a helpless rabbit.
*Boot-steps-on-ground-when-there-is pin-drop-silence noise*X7
The footsteps come to a halt.
The leader of the pack, gracefully invited himself to close the distance—menacingly.
*Boot-steps-on-ground-when-there-is pin-drop-silence noise*X2.5(or 2)
The darkness of the alley hid the youth's profile. As if the shadows were but a mere veil to him.
Larkins smiled even wider, his eyes narrowed in an intimidating getsure. "We have been waiting for you…" he breathed into the mischievous wind, and it spread the word forthwith, to the figure clad in darkness itself.
As soon as the treeman said this though, he heard a symphony. A symphony so quiet. A symphony so peaceful… A symphony gaining strength. It rushed to him, the intention to kill. No-no—he misunderstood. It wasn't a symphony,
It was their knell.
*Dark souls III - Vordt of the Boreal Valley*
Subaru dropped his pants and pulled out his one eyed wonder weasel.
"It was quite insolent of you fools to even begin to imagine that you could attain victory in a battle against me. You must not have recognized mineself, for I am yet to receive, what's rightfully mine.
"But, for now, you may know me as…
"Subaru Natsuki, The Third Leg Swinger"
The nerves of each and every person in the alleyway jumped in terror. All three started crying and prayed to their—
"Mummy!"
Regardless of their screams for mercy, their begs for redemption, Subaru marched forward en tandem. Each step, each beat of their knell, death came closer. The propitiating wind parted, and gave way to the King of masculine chicken.
He slapped the three of them with his heat-seeking moisture missile. One after one after one, they all fell in agony, shrieking and screaming like rabid beasts.
And Subaru slapped his dick on their cheeks till they died.
Also the Dark souls theme is so banger, it kept playing on loop even after the battle ended, which made everyone who heard it coom due to the amazing instruments and shit.

Anyways, Happy Ending.



OBLIGATORY ED TIME, I SUPPOSE

WOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOO