Laying in the bedroom opposite to Chuuya's, Dazai felt like shooting himself, as he thought over their latest conversation.
Why did he always seem to find a way to manage to fuck everything up?
Recently, he'd been getting a strange feeling in his chest, almost like his heart was being squeezed, whenever he was with Chuuya. Actually, scratch that, he couldn't keep lying to himself, because this was something that he'd felt for quite a while.
Except now, the feeling had been getting stronger.
Overwhelming almost.
It was just all too much.
Of course, Dazai knew what it meant. He'd known for a long time actually. However, the probability of such a feeling ever being reciprocated was incredibly low, so why even bother to pursue it? He'd put Chuuya through hell the entire time they'd known each other anyways, so what reason was there for Chuuya to like him back?
To love someone like him?
A part of him screamed that Chuuya did feel the same way, especially with the way that he always flirted back. However, even if that was the case, that thought was almost instantly silenced by another.
The thought that he did not deserve such a thing.
Why would someone as cruel as him deserve love? As selfish as he was, at least he understood that.
Irritated at his wandering mind, Dazai closed his eyes, in a desperate attempt to fall asleep, only to dream up the impossibilities of worlds where such a divide between him and Chuuya was not present. A world in which Dazai wasn't trapped by his guilt. A world in which they were free of the draining tethers that kept them tied down to their dangerous ways of living. A world in which it was okay for him to love. A world in which it was okay for him to be loved.
It was a stupid dream. Childish even.
But thoughts of traveling the world with Chuuya, of loving Chuuya and getting to be loved by him, continued to plague his mind.
It was a nice thought.
But alas, that was all that it was.
Irritated at his nagging insomnia, Dazai dragged himself out of bed and made his way into the kitchen to make himself some coffee. If he was going to stay awake, he'd at least give himself a way to keep his lucidity.
Something that he could find through the instant coffee kept in the cupboard.
Pouring a packet of it into a glass, he filled the rest of it with some water and ice, being much too lazy and impatient to heat up the liquid in the small microwave within the kitchen.
Taking a sip, he found the coffee to be a bit bitter, but overall decent. So he didn't bother searching around for any cream or sugar.
Setting the coffee down on the countertop, Dazai moved to sit on one of the stools that sat next to it, in hopes to enjoy his coffee without the hassle of standing.
However, before he could sit down, the faint noise of the door code being entered caught his attention.
Alarms bells rang through Dazai's mind, as he whipped his gun out from his coat, making his way over to the door.
Waiting for it to open, he expected one of the Hunting Dogs or a member of the french organization that he and Chuuya had taken out.
However, he was met with neither. Instead, the door opened to reveal Atsushi, a limp figure held tightly in his arms.
"Atsushi?"
Dazai's brows furrowed in confusion, but he stepped off to the side, allowing Atsushi to enter, who seemed about just as surprised to see him.
Then the next thing he knew, Atsushi had set down the person he was carrying and lept into his arms, capturing Dazai in a tight hug. For a long moment, he remained frozen in shock at such a genuine display of affection, before slowly wrapping his arms around his prodigy, who was now openly sobbing into his chest.
"I was so worried," Atsushi managed to get out between sobs, once again shocking Dazai, who just continued to hold Atsushi and let him cry. It was something that Dazai wished that he'd been allowed to do at his age. Something that he wished he'd let Akutagawa do rather than the cycle of abuse that he'd shoved upon him.
Speaking of which, was that Akutagawa that Atsushi had brought with him?
How was he even still alive?
Dazai answered his own question, as he finally noticed the sickly pallor of his skin, even worse than before with his lung disease, and the lack of his chest rising and falling.
He was dead.
A surprising pang of grief stabbed through Dazai's heart at the realization and he grabbed Atsushi a little tighter. He supposed that he should've expected this though, given how he had been the one to bend things in such a direction. It was his fault that Akutagawa was dead, after all, and yet, upon seeing the damage that he had wrought upon his former apprentice, he was suddenly overcome with regret at what he had done.
Still, there was no time to grieve for long. He had to figure out what was going on.
"Atsushi," Dazai pulled away from the hug, resting his hands on Atsushi's shoulders, "what happened?"
However, before Atsushi could gather his bearings and answer him, the two wear interrupted by Chuuya limping into the room, his ability being the only thing keeping him upright.
"What's going on?"
"What are you doing out of bed?"
"Fuck off, Dazai," Chuuya protested, his eyes flickering over to Atsushi, "what are you doing here?"
"I-" Atsushi started, but was unable to finish, as Chuuya suddenly noticed Akutagawa laying prone on the floor.
A mix of fear and sorrow lit up in his old partner's eyes. Unlike Dazai's toxic relationship with Akutagawa, he was well aware that Chuuya had made many attempts to undo the traumatic scars that his abuse had left upon Akutagawa after he had left. He knew that Chuuya had tried to step in as a brotherly or perhaps paternal role for the younger Mafioso. So obviously seeing him laying there dead left Chuuya shaken, as someone who already had a terrible track record of keeping those he cared about alive.
The display of grief didn't last long though, as it soon fell into anger and a wrathful gaze fell upon Atsushi.
"What did you do?"
Finally, managing to speak, Atsushi raised his hands defensively.
"I didn't kill him, I swear," he pleaded, however to Dazai's trained ears, he wasn't entirely sure that that was what Atsushi actually believed. However, he let him continue without interjecting, "he was struck down by Fukuchi, but Bram's ability was used on him, so he's still alive. If we use Dazai's ability, then we can bring him back! The only thing though, is that he'll be returned to the state that he was in when he was first infected, which means that he'll die without immediate assistance. So, if we can just find Yosano and get her to save him after Dazai nullifies the ability, then it'll all be fine! Ryuunosuke was even knocked unconscious by an ability, so he'll probably stay out for a while which gives us even more time to find her."
So Akutagawa wasn't dead then. A flood of relief flowed through Dazai. Why had he ever set up such events to take place, in the first place? He could've found another way. He knew he could've, but his rotten ways were ingrained into him. He truly was a monster. Now Akutagawa's future would be placed in the hands of a bunch of complex 'what ifs?'.
Veering away from such a dark topic, however, Dazai also found it quite interesting to note that Atsushi was referring to Akutagawa by his first name. Although he couldn't say that he was entirely surprised.
Next to him, Chuuya seemed elated, gratitude flooding through his features.
"Good," was all he said in relief, as he finally gave up on standing and made his way over to the couch, sitting down, as his legs finally gave out on him.
Dazai and Atsushi were quick to join him, after Atsushi managed to prop Akutagawa up in a chair, making sure to bind him to it as a precaution and taking away his coat, just in case he did wake up.
Finally, with all three of them sitting down, Dazai asked the question that he knew both he and Chuuya had.
"Atsushi, what happened?"
Six hours prior.
Pain exploded throughout Atsushi's body, in the aftermath of his capture by Teruko. He couldn't stop though, he had to find Aya and Bram. Just as Ranpo had ordered him to.
If he didn't, then who was he but a fraud? An imposter? The Agency had helped him out when he was at his lowest and he owed them everything in return. If he were to fail now, then why did he deserve to have such a second chance? If he failed those around him, then what would give him a reason to be?
Ignoring the wounds which became even more agitated with every step, Atsushi picked up his pace until he was sprinting at full speed through the airport.
He had to find them.
Yet as he ran, narrowly avoiding the vampires that had been set upon them, they were nowhere to be found.
He was worthless. Better yet a failure. He couldn't even do this right.
But then, Atsushi burst through a door to find himself in a parking garage, and there they were. Relief flooded throughout his entire body for a moment, only to be replaced by fear a moment later upon seeing the state of things.
The laundry truck with the top taken clean off caught his attention first.
Then there was Aya.
Different from her usual confident demeanor, Aya was shaking in terror with Bram at her side. There was blood matting her clothes, but Atsushi was unable to tell whether it was hers, someone else's, or both. The thought was worrying regardless. Especially given her age. Again Atsushi berated himself for not being better and for letting others suffer, because of his seeming inability to be there when others needed him the most.
It was then that he noticed something else and froze.
Aya and Bram weren't alone.
On the floor of the garage, motionless, was someone who he thought he'd never see again. Someone who made his blood rush up to his ears, as suddenly everything else faded away. Suddenly, it was like he was back on that boat, those painful last words ringing through his ears, while he desperately searched for an answer as to why he'd been saved.
He couldn't breathe. He could barely even think.
"Ryuunosuke." The name rolled off his tongue in a breath, as though if he said it any louder, he would risk shattering the glass upon which Ryuunosuke's now seemingly fragile life rested within.
Then, Atsushi was running.
Aya and Bram had faded into the background and now all he could see was Ryuunosuke, the man who he loved. The man who had taken Fukuchi's blade to save him. He couldn't leave him again. He had to stay by his side. He couldn't lose him after only just finding him once more.
He prepared to skid down to Ryuunosuke's side. He had to check his pulse and make sure he was still breathing. Atsushi couldn't live with himself if he wasn't.
However, his plans were quickly torn to shreds as a small girl threw herself in front of him, grabbing his legs.
It was Aya, who was, upon closer inspection, sobbing.
"No! Please don't. You're from the Agency, right? I remember seeing you with Kunikida." Her voice trembled, her grip only tightening on his legs.
"Let me go. I have to help him." Atsushi tried to tear her arms off of him, only to have her regain her grip return almost immediately, determination seemingly something that she wasn't lacking in. Why was she doing this anyway? Could she not see that Ryuunosuke was laying there, prone on the ground? Could she not see that he needed their help?
How was he still alive anyway?
Unless…
"No. No, no, no, no, no." Atsushi gasped, a hand flying to his mouth, as he stumbled backward, finally escaping from Aya's grip in his change of direction, before losing his footing and falling to the ground.
"He attacked us," Aya explained, eyes alight with a mix of fear and determination. "We have to do something before he wakes up. Please, help us."
"He was infected?" It was all Atsushi could say, his voice barely a whisper.
It was all his fault.
"Yes," Aya confirmed, "he's one of them and when he wakes up he's going to kill us all. So please, help us before that happens!"
Finally gaining a bit more control of his erratic breathing, Atsushi stood up, making his way over to Ryuunosuke, who was out cold.
Placing a hand to his neck, Atsushi felt his heart drop as he was met with no pulse.
A tear slipped down his cheek and then another until suddenly he was sobbing with Aya, hunched over Ryuunosuke's cold, dead body.
Just as he was returned to him, he was taken away again. Unlike Aya claimed, he wouldn't be waking up this time.
How cruel the world was.
A hand reached out, gripping his shoulder as if to grab his attention, but Atsushi didn't turn around. He felt like he was frozen in ice, as his world shattered in two for what felt like the thousandth time.
Why did he have to deal with such pain? Why was the world so cruel to him? Why couldn't he ever catch a break? He never asked for anything and this is what was given to him! A cold body and a life full of regrets.
"He's not dead yet," a voice sounded behind him. It was Bram, he distantly recognized.
"What?" A small spark of hope lit up within Atsushi's chest.
"His pulse is simply gone, due to his current state. If you were to nullify the effects of my ability, then he would be returned to normal. However, that remains to be impossible at the moment, so I employ you to listen to Aya and put an end to his suffering."
The hope in his heart grew. Even though Bram claimed the nullification of his ability to be impossible, if he could get Ryuunosuke to Dazai, then he would be able to save him. With the mere touch of Dazai's finger, Ryuunosuke would be granted another chance at life.
But then, the other part of what Bram had said, suddenly sunk in.
If he were to bring Ryuunosuke back without certain precautions set in place, then that would mean that he'd come back with a slit throat and just bleed out in agony all over again, as he was returned to his original state. However, if they could find Yosano, then she could heal him upon his return and all would be well.
It was going to be okay. It had to be okay.
It was then that another question entered his mind.
"Why is he unconscious?"
A silence fell between Aya and Bram as if they were waiting for the other to speak until Aya finally broke the silence.
"It was me… my ability, I-"
She was cut off by the sound of a bang, as the door burst open once more, this time however to reveal a pissed-off Teruko.
She'd found him. Shit.
"We have to go now!"
Activating his ability, Atsushi slammed his fist into the nearest car window, breaking it, before quickly unlocking it and shoving Bram, Aya, and Ryuunosuke into the back seats.
Then, he jumped into the front of the car, making quick work of hotwiring it, just like Dazai had taught him. It was only upon the ignition of the engine, however, that he was suddenly left with the sudden realization that he barely knew how to drive.
What was he doing?
Both Kunikida and Dazai had tried to teach him. The only problem though was that both had incredibly different teaching styles and neither was entirely good. With Kunikida, he was basically screamed at every two seconds to slow down and stop jerking the car around. With Dazai… well he was just surprised that they both had managed to survive those so-called lessons.
Still, he knew the basics, and with the adrenaline pumping through his veins, he managed to muster up the courage to at least try. It wasn't like he had much of a choice anyways.
Teruko was closing in. There wasn't much time. They had to go now.
"Hurry!" He heard someone yell in the back, which did little to help his anxiety.
Slamming down on the gas, Atsushi tore out of the garage, narrowly avoiding hitting several other parked cars.
He had to go faster. He couldn't risk their capture. He couldn't fail Ranpo. He couldn't fail the Agency.
Finally managing to merge into traffic, Atsushi did his best to mimic other drivers and draw upon his own vague knowledge.
The back of the car was all but silent, as Atsushi made his way through the streets, doing his best to abide by the driving laws that he barely knew.
He really should've found a better driving instructor.
Quickly glancing up at the rearview mirror, Atsushi checked in on the quiet backseats of the car. Ryuunosuke was still out, slumped over in the seat that Atsushi had quickly placed him in. Meanwhile, Aya sat in the middle, pressed up against Bram as if she was trying to put as much distance between her and Ryuunosuke as possible.
Although it pained him to admit it, he could understand why, so he didn't bother saying anything.
They continued driving like that for a few hours, a safehouse locked in Atsushi's mind to take them to, where he knew they would be safe, at least for a while.
It was one that Dazai had told him about, long ago, in case he ever ran into any sort of trouble that required its usage. A failsafe perhaps.
So lost in his thoughts, Atsushi failed to notice the red light up ahead and gunned straight through it, only noticing his mistake, when he noticed a cop car headed straight for the side of his vehicle.
Gassing it, Atsushi managed to avoid a collision, but that was the least of his worries now.
Apparently, his driving skills were even worse than he thought, because not only had he just blown through a red light, but he had also narrowly collided with a cop car in doing so.
This day just couldn't get any better.
He could only imagine the look of sheer terror and disappointment on Kunikida's face if he could see him now. Dazai on the other hand would probably be laughing.
Red lights and the sound of a siren blared behind him, as the screeching of tires pulled the cop car in line with him.
Making a split-second decision, Atsushi panicked and slammed the gas pedal to the floor. His hands gripped the steering wheel for dear life with the mindless terror of driving a metal death machine that he had little knowledge of how to navigate.
"What are you doing?" He heard Aya screech in the back, along with some more incoherent screaming coming from both her and Bram.
Honestly though, they were probably right.
How stupid could he be?
Why hadn't he just pulled over?
Swerving through traffic, Atsushi narrowly avoided numerous accidents, as the sound of sirens multiplied behind him. What had he done? How stupid could he be, a car chase was the last thing that he needed right now. He should've just pulled over and dealt with the consequences then and there. He shouldn't have panicked.
It was too late to back down now though, as Atsushi spun the car off the road and down an alleyway, having no clue as to what he was doing, only the thought of escaping being on his mind.
Tearing out of the alleyway, he spun the car back onto the road and for a brief moment was proud of himself, thinking that he had escaped, until suddenly a cop car pulled out right in front of him, seemingly from nowhere, and he was unable to hit the breaks fast enough to stop.
Atsushi, Aya, and Bram all screamed as they collided with the cop car, sending their own car flying into the air and landing with a painful crunch on its hood.
Fresh waves of pain surged through Atsushi's body, as the impact invaded his bones and tore new wounds into his flesh. He was a bit surprised that he hadn't just passed out upon impact, but was also grateful that he hadn't.
Bram and Aya on the other hand didn't seem to be so lucky.
Both were hanging from the ceiling of the car, blood dripping down their faces, their eyes closed. However, upon a closer inspection, Atsushi noticed that both still seemed to be breathing fine, and with the cops closing in on them, they'd hopefully be able to get some kind of medical treatment.
He couldn't save them all anyways and even though he knew it was his mission to save Aya and Bram, he couldn't just leave Ryuunosuke behind.
It wasn't like the police wouldn't leave Aya and Bram here to die anyways. However, both he and Ryuunosuke were wanted men, who could potentially be gunned down, so this was the practical choice. Next to that, Atsushi couldn't find it within himself to leave Ryuunosuke behind again.
Images from the battle with Fukuchi flashed through his mind's eye and he activated his ability, tearing through the seatbelt which kept him rooted to his seat, before tearing the door next to him off its hinges. Upon crawling out of the car, he was then quick to break Ryuunosuke out of his own restraints, before lifting him up into his arms, despite the pain and exhaustion that ran throughout Atsushi's entire body.
He would never leave him behind again. Not this time.
So, that was how Atsushi found himself running through the streets of Yokohama with Ryuunosuke clutched tightly in his arms, blood matting both of their clothes from both the wreak and Teruko.
This time, he was going to save Ryuunosuke.
He had to.
By the time Atsushi had wrapped up his summary of everything that had happened during the time that he and Dazai had been separated from each other, he was beyond exhausted and it practically felt like gravity was weighing down on his still-healing bones.
In all honesty, he wanted nothing more than to just curl up and sleep for all of eternity after the havoc and chaos that had been wrought upon his daily life as of late.
Both Chuuya and Dazai seemed to notice this, as they offered him Dazai's bedroom. At first, Atsushi tried to protest against it, offering to take the couch instead. However, it didn't take long for him to lose the uphill battle, as Chuuya finally broke him down.
"As much as he irritates me, that shitty idiot can share my room," Chuuya argued, throwing Atsushi into checkmate and pulling what seemed to be a rare startled expression onto Dazai's face.
After arrangements had finally been decided, Dazai helped Atsushi bring Ryuunosuke, who was still bound to the chair and unconscious into his room, while being careful not to make direct contact with him, before leaving him to help Chuuya back into their now shared space.
Finally granted a moment of peace in the darkened room, Atsushi broke down, pulling at his hair and sobbing. His longing for sleep seemed to have disappeared now that he was alone, replaced with self-loathing.
His back hit the wall and he slid to the floor next to Ryuunosuke, grabbing his hand with a sort of pained desperation.
"I'm sorry," he choked out, "I'm so so sorry. It should've been me. It shouldn't have been you. I'm so sorry that I wasn't strong enough."
No one answered him. Instead, the darkness just seemed to encroach even closer, as Atsushi was left with nothing more than a heart torn to shreds and only the smallest golden flicker of hope that everything that had been lost could be restored.
If only he were better.
Why couldn't he be better?
