Ryuunosuke Akutagawa was buried on a Sunday, in a secluded space that was hidden away from all of society.
On a day of no significance. In a place of no significance. During a moment of no significance.
To others, this would perhaps be a day of joy if nothing else. The day that cruelty of one of the Port Mafia's most prominent Executives came to an end. The day that, to them, the sun perhaps shone a little bit brighter, because that was just one more broken person gone from the world.
Atsushi Nakajima didn't feel either of those ways. He didn't feel like the day was insignificant nor did he feel happy.
He expected to feel sad. He wanted to feel sad.
And he was... at least at first.
The whole night and first day following Akutagawa's death, he had been a mess. It had been full of endless sobbing, begging, and denial.
All that he wanted in the world was for his best friend to come back.
He had pleaded to any god that might exist to let them swap places, because why did he deserve to be here any more than Ryuunosuke did? As much as he knew the type of person Ryuunosuke had been, that was what he had been born into. It was all that he knew and yet, he'd still tried to become better.
For Atsushi.
Why had he ever gotten involved with Ryuunosuke?
It was all his fault...
It was all Dazai's fault...
Atsushi hated it all. Why couldn't he ever seem to catch a break?
And then the third day came and suddenly the unbearable feelings of sadness and grief were gone.
Instead, something else stood in their place.
The absence of anything.
Nothing.
It was almost as if all of the emotions in his body had left with the endless flood of tears that had streaked down his cheeks.
It was odd, because never in his life had Atsushi felt nothing. Even back in the orphanage with everything that he went through, he had always been fairly in touch with his emotions, something that the Headmaster had hated. So while he was definitely not mentally well after everything that he had gone through, he'd never felt like this.
Blank. Unfeeling. Empty.
The feeling was hard to describe, but Atsushi supposed that it was almost like he was trapped underwater in the middle of the ocean. He could see the rays of the sunlight flickering in, and showing him the way to the surface. Yet, the darkness of what was below was just so welcoming, as it beckoned him to meet its embrace. After all, even if he did swim up towards the air and sun that gave him life, he'd also be swimming towards the knowledge that he was lost in the middle of the sea with nowhere to go. The darkness of the ocean floor would not give him such false promises.
So that was the thing, why breach the surface when you're destined to drown anyway?
The letter he'd written the previous night felt heavy in his pocket, as he helped Dazai and Chuuya dig the grave.
As he dug, deeper and deeper, he lost his mind to that room. The blood. The weight of Ryuunosuke in his arms, who had felt so dangerously light.
And those words. Those goddamn words...
"Don't...be sorry. I did... did it... because I... because I love... love... y-"
Atsushi would forever hate himself for never saying it back.
Another part of him, however, wished that Ryuunosuke had never loved him.
If Ryuunosuke had never loved him then maybe they wouldn't be digging his grave. If Ryuunosuke had never loved him then maybe he would've still been around to live another day. If Ryuunosuke had never loved him then maybe Atsushi could've been the one they were digging the grave for.
Perhaps without Atsushi, Ryuunosuke would've been happier.
Perhaps without Atsushi, Ryuunosuke would've received Dazai's approval sooner than on his deathbed.
No… that part wasn't Atsushi's fault. That was Dazai's.
The offending person had been rather quiet since he'd murdered Akutagawa with the touch of his finger.
Which was good.
Atsushi hoped that whatever he was feeling was even a fraction of how Akutagawa had felt at the slice of the cold blading sliding across his throat. An experience that he had had to go through twice at that.
All because of Dazai.
Maybe Dazai really should've just left him at that riverbank. If he had, then Atsushi wouldn't have to deal with all of this pain or this vortex feeling deep within his chest that tore the emotion from his throat and made him feel like he was floating away in uncharted space with no way to tether himself back to Earth.
Before he knew it, they had finished digging the hole.
Now, it was time for the hard part.
The burial.
They hadn't been able to buy a casket. With all of them being wanted, going out to buy something so pricey was dangerous, so instead, they had settled on a blanket that would softly wrap around Ryuunosuke for all of eternity until the sun exploded and the world was pulled into the void of the universe.
Atsushi was the one to lay Ryuunosuke to rest.
Picking him up, wrapped so gently in the blanket, Atsushi paused before laying him down in the six feet hole beneath him. Memories of their partnership danced in his mind's eye and for the thousandth time, since his death, Atsushi wished that he'd just said the words. Those three goddamn words that he would now never have the chance to say again.
But the time had passed and now Ryuunosuke was no more. The body in his arms was just that: a body. It was not filled with the determination, defiance, and daring honesty that made up Ryuunosuke Akutagawa. Instead, it was just the remains of someone who was no longer there.
Someone who was gone.
So, Atsushi let go. He laid the body down upon the dirt, reminding himself that this was not Ryuunosuke.
It was just a body. Only a body. A body without a soul. A body without a mind. A body that held no significance, because now it was just a body. No longer a tangible human being.
Climbing out of the pit, everyone was silent as they shoveled dirt upon the grave. Upon the body.
It wasn't Ryuunosuke. It wasn't Ryuunosuke. It wasn't Ryuunosuke.
Except it was.
Because even if the body was just a body, it had once been someone. Someone remarkable. Someone Atsushi had cared about. Someone Atsushi had truly loved.
Someone who would never come back.
Before he knew it, the hole had been covered again and now the only thing that gave away the disturbance was the square of what had once been vibrant green grass, now replaced by crumbly dirt.
A headstone was placed at the front of the grave.
It was the one thing that they had decided to do. Even though the grave was to be left mostly unmarked, given who Ryuunosuke was, Atsushi couldn't just leave him there without a single to symbolize that he had once been a living person.
To not do so would hurt too much.
The headstone had no name, for the protection of the gravesite. Honestly, it wasn't even a classic headstone, but rather a large rock that Atsushi had carved Ryuunosuke's initials into.
It was the least that they could do without risking everything and Atsushi hated it, because as much as the world might disagree, he knew that Ryuunosuke deserved so much more.
But the past was unchangeable, so it wasn't like there was anything that they could do to fix it.
There was only onward. The next step forward.
Atsushi was so tired of it.
Chuuya was the first to speak. He told an amusing story about the first time that he and Akutagawa went drinking together. It was a funny story and Atsushi probably would've laughed if he hadn't felt so trapped in his mind. If he had felt more human.
Wrapping up his story, Chuuya started to show a bit more emotion, claiming that Akutagawa had felt like a son to him and that he would miss him deeply.
Dazai tried to go next, but Atsushi cut him off with a dark look.
Pulling the letter that he'd written the previous day out of his pocket, Atsushi's hands trembled, and suddenly the emptiness that he'd felt the past few days began to fall to pieces.
Ryuunosuke was dead.
And suddenly, everything felt so real. Like he'd been living in a thickly layered fog, to suddenly have it all disappear at once and be faced with the scorching hot sun from up above with no room to adjust.
The glass pieces that held up his soul began to shatter, as the words flowed from his heart.
"Dear Ryuunosuke,
I miss you. I miss our banter. I miss talking to you. I miss your strange love of figs. I miss everything about you.
The fact that I'll never get to see you again is killing me because you're gone and somehow everything is worse now.
Everything.
You'd probably laugh and call me a fool for lamenting over your death. I mean, while you were alive, you'd always criticize me for remaining so trapped in the past that it was like I was no longer living in the present.
But it hurts, okay? Your gone and I feel like I don't know what to do anymore.
Maybe if I had been faster, maybe if I had been smarter, maybe if I hadn't been in your life, then maybe you would still be here.
Maybe I would be the one at the end of Fukuchi's blade instead.
Would that really be so bad?
I don't know.
I just know that it would mean that you would still be here because Ryuunosuke it hurts knowing that I'll never see you again.
You're six feet under in the middle of god knows where and I'm here. Still here. Trapped here.
Why aren't you with me?
We were supposed to have that battle after six months, remember? So why did you have to die? Now, we'll never be able to see who'll really come out on top all because of the swipe of a blade and the cruel touch of a finger.
But it's not your fault.
It's mine. It's Dazai's.
I'll never forgive him by the way, as much as I know you respect him.
You deserved better. So much better.
Before you died, you told me that you loved me and it kills me that I never got to say the same back because Ryuunosuke, I need you to know that I love you too. I love you more than I could ever express through the words of any language in history.
I just hope you didn't die thinking that your feelings were unrequited or that I did truly hate you with everything that we've said to each other in the past.
Our relationship was never perfect, but never doubt that I loved you. That I still love you.
And one day we will meet again. At least I hope we will if there is anything after this life.
I love you.
I hope you knew that.
Yours,
Atsushi Nakajima"
Placing the note next to the headstone, Atsushi brushed his fingertips against the initials so delicately carved into the stone.
The last piece of Ryuunosuke that he had.
Dazai stepped forward, opening his mouth as if he were about to speak.
The glass finally shattered to pieces.
Atsushi snapped.
Where he had once felt nothing, suddenly he felt everything.
"No."
Dazai looked at him, meeting his gaze. He looked so lost and almost sad, an expression that he rarely saw on Dazai's face. Normally, Atsushi would feel bad and want to help him, but not now.
Now seeing that expression on Dazai's face just made him feel even angrier.
Dazai had done this, so he didn't deserve to feel this way. He didn't deserve to speak. He didn't deserve anything for something that was all his fault.
"Atsushi-"
"Just for once, shut the fuck up, Dazai."
Everyone froze.
Atsushi was seething with anger, as emotions warred within his chest, feeling like they were going to tear him apart from the inside.
Chuuya was watching the entire interaction with concern. He looked like he wanted to say something, but kept his mouth shut.
And Dazai… Dazai was still, incredibly still.
All of the emotion that had been on his face only moments ago was now gone.
And somehow that just made Atsushi even angrier.
"You did this. It's your fault that we're here. It's your fault that all Ryuunosuke gets for his grave are small initials carved into a rock in the middle of nowhere. It's your fault that I'll never get to see him again. Everything Dazai, it's all your fault! So, if you're going to pretend that you were good to Ryuunosuke and give him some nice, well-thought-out speech, I won't let you. You don't deserve that, because you treated him like shit during his life. So it's too little too late. You should've told him you cared when he was still full of life. Not on his deathbed. Not at his grave. I hope you're in pain. I hope you feel overcome with remorse and guilt at what you've done because it's your fault that Ryuunosuke ended up here. Honestly, when you think about it though, every terrible thing that's happened in Yokohama can be traced back to you when you really think about it though. I honestly don't really know why I ever gave a shit about you. So, fuck you, Dazai. I hope you have a nice life."
Atsushi didn't wait for Dazai to say anything back, instead, he just tore off, leaving the gravesite at a brisk pace. He thought he could hear Dazai and Chuuya calling after him as he left, but paid it no mind.
They probably thought he'd end up back at the safe house anyways.
But no, that was not where he was going.
He was going to find Fukuchi and he was going to give him a death that rivaled Ryuunosuke's tenfold.
All of his morality towards that man had vanished the moment he'd killed his best friend and with everything that had happened in the past several days, Atsushi sought revenge.
He would not be taking no for an answer.
