The title of this is the name of a song by Vladimir Kvasov: Where do our children go? / Куда уходят наши дети? /QObl0BFxVL4
Had fun writing this, cathartic for me, inserting my own experiences with PTSD and loss to a certain degree, so this is a little personal I guess.
A big thank you to Alex ( ) for the artwork!
Chapter 1
Mel
The loud ticking of the old grandfather clock in the corner was really playing havoc with Mels already frayed nerves. Ellie, Jane Doe as the Salt Lake Crew used to call her, had gone in first, through a door that presumably led to an office or something. Jesse had followed a while after, leaving her alone with her thoughts.
It felt like it had been hours she'd been sitting on this couch, here in the living room. Immobilised by anxiety. There was no one guarding her and it was warm and dry, but she knew her fate and the fate of the little person in her womb who was currently kicking the shit out of her guts was being decided without her input.
Breath in. Hold for 7 seconds. Breathe out slowly over 8 seconds. Breathe in. Hold for 7 seconds. Breathe out slowly over 8 seconds. Count each second. Just breathe. Breathe.
"...Mel. You ok?"
She jumped. Jesse. How long had he been standing there trying to get her attention?
"Sorry, was in my own little world"
"You sure?" he asked with concern in his voice.
"I'm okay"
"It's your turn. Just be honest"
She nodded in acknowledgment and followed him, passing Ellie, who surprisingly fixed her with a hint of a smile.
"Good luck" she said quietly
"Thanks…"
They entered what was clearly an office, with a practically dressed, fair-haired, middle-aged woman sitting behind a desk covered in papers.
"Thanks Jesse, you can go now" she said.
"I'll just be outside" he said to Mel as he turned and left, closing the door behind.
She was all alone now. In what felt like the Lions den. Her pulse was starting to quicken again, and she was feeling dizzy again. She tried to focus on her breathing.
"Can you take a seat please?"
She just about fell into the chair.
"My name is Maria and I guess I'm kind of like the mayor of this place. Tommy is my husband. The others have explained to me how you came to be there. Jesse, bless his kind heart, made you an offer that wasn't his to make…" Mel could just about puke "... but under the circumstances he did the right thing. We do things differently in Jackson. We look after people. However I am going to ask you some questions and you need to answer them truthfully. Do you understand?"
"I understand"
"Good. Let's get started. You've been here, to Wyoming, before. Now Jesse tells me you didn't know what was going to happen, is that the whole truth?"
Mel took one last deep breath and dived headfirst into the truth.
"No. No It's not."
"What is the truth then?"
"We came here to kill Joel Miller, but we… I didn't know... I didn't know it was going to happen the way it did"
Maria paused and stared right into her soul and Mel had to fight her urge to look away.
"Okay. Can you tell me why you wanted to kill Joel? I understand the broad strokes. He was my brother in law. I know who he was and what he did. But why did you want to kill him"
Another deep breath.
"Her dad. He was like my dad as well. He taught me everything I know. I wanted him dead for the same reason Abby did"
"And did you get what you wanted?"
"No" Mel replied, shaking her head and lowering her gaze.
Another pause.
"Why do you think you deserve to be here Mel?"
"I… I don't think I do. But they do…" Mel gestured at the large and unmistakable bump at her abdomen "And I'll do anything you want me to. Please" she could feel herself getting dizzy again.
"It's okay, take a breath. Just focus on your breathing" Maria said, reading Mel like a book. "Can I get you something to drink? Water? Tea?"
"I'm okay. Sorry"
"We're not throwing you out into the cold. Whether or not you stay is up to you and your actions"
"Thank you"
"You have medical training?"
"I trained under a surgeon, Abbys dad"
"Good. That is a skillset that we sorely need. This is how it's going to work. As I said, we look after each other in Jackson. Everyone has something to contribute to making this community work and in exchange, Jackson works for them. How far along are you?"
"Eight months"
"Right. We do not expect the impossible and you will find this is a safe place for you to raise your child, you will have a roof over your head and food in your belly, but you will be expected to play your part. Do you understand?"
"I do"
"Trust is earned and you don't have mine yet. You are not a prisoner here, but that doesn't mean there won't be eyes on you. Joel was quiet, kept to himself mostly, but he was one of us. You are going to have to work your ass off, but you have my guarantee that you will be safe here"
Mel breathed a sigh of relief. She was here and she could do this.
"Jesse and Ellie have vouched for you, so you have as much responsibility to them as they have for you"
Mel didn't know what to do with that. She didn't expect anything from Ellie. Ellie who they had tortured and killed Joel in front of. Ellie, who Mel, understanding what they had done and seeing Abby mirrored in her, had wanted them to kill. Ellie who had killed Owen in front of her. Ellie who she should hate. Ellie who was obviously more complicated than she had given her credit for.
"I won't let them down"
"Good. And we're going to keep talking. I said you're not a prisoner and I meant that, but I'm going to ask that you check-in with me here once a week"
Mel just nodded.
"Good. Jesse will take you where you need to go. Welcome to Jackson" Maria said, returning to her papers as if Mel had ceased to exist.
Mel stood up and went to leave, but then paused in her tracks and turned back to Maria.
"Thank you for not slitting my throat and throwing me over that big wall around your town"
Maria looked up inquisitively.
"That what they do in Seattle?"
"More or less…"
"You're not there anymore. Remember that and you'll be fine"
The journey from Seattle to Jackson had been long and hard. The group had split up, with Ellie, Jesse and Dina commandeering a WLF vehicle and Tommy taking their horses and a long ride home.
It had been tough, both mentally and physically. Mel has spent much of the time in silence, staring out the window as the countryside swept past them, her mind racing. Owens' final moments in the aquarium replayed over and over again, each time bringing with it fresh tears and the urge to just melt into her seat. Then there was the physical toll. With the grief and the constant panic attacks came the nausea and the sleep deprivation. For the sake of the life growing within her, Mel pushed herself to get through every day, practicing her breathing exercises and attempting to rest whenever the sheer exhaustion forced its way through the barriers her anxiety-ridden brain had thrown up. Eating was hard, but she managed as best she could.
Hardest of all was being trapped in the cramped cabin of the four wheel drive with the person who had killed Owen. After leaving the Aquarium back in Seattle, they'd lain low in an old theatre they'd been basing themselves out of. It was there that Ellie cornered her, demanding to know why it had all happened. Mel had told her who they were, well who they used to be at least. Fireflies.
Since then she had done her best to pretend that Mel didn't exist and had barely uttered a word to her, let alone made any attempt at conversation. This suited Mel just fine, she didn't really have anything to say herself.
Jesse had been kind, he'd made sure she ate and had tried to find common ground with the taciturn young woman that had effectively become his charge. She should have tried harder to reciprocate, but he didn't seem to mind when every attempt at conversation fizzled and died.
Then there was Dina. It quickly became obvious that her and Ellie were together, but that hadn't stopped Dina from making the same kind of attempts as Jesse. She was pregnant as well, with Jesse's child as it turned out. They were an odd sort of family, but a family nonetheless and one who cared deeply for each other.
They'd finally reached Jackson as the sun was setting and immediately made their way to Maria, who would decide Mels future.
The sun had well and truly set when Jesse had finally led her back out into the town and a second chance at life.
"Are you hungry?" Jesse asked her as they walked
"Actually yeah…"
"Good, so am I"
As they strolled through Jackson, Mel took in the sights. The air was bracing, but fresh and at this time of the evening the town was quiet. Warm light glowed from windows and the few people on the streets seemed carefree and relaxed, with Jesse greeting a few by name. It was like something out of an old picture book of the old west. Owen would have loved it here. That familiar ache returned and she once again drifted into autopilot.
She snapped out of it as they entered what appeared to be the towns bar. She awkwardly trailed Jesse as he approached the counter and greeted the grizzled bartender.
"Steak sandwich?" He asked her
"Ummm sure, how does it work though?"
"What do you mean?"
"I haven't done anything. earned anything, is there money or something?"
"Well this will be my shout, or you can call it an IOU or whatever, but we all get food and whatever else we need. We trade, we help each other and sometimes, for stuff like this, we exchange tokens, kind of like they used to have money. Now come on. Seth, two steak sandwiches?"
"Sure" the bartender grunted "The other two are over there" he gestured to the other side of the bar, almost sheepishly.
The other two.
They took a seat opposite Ellie and Dina, immediately slipping into an awkward silence. Mel felt the baby brutalising her insides once more as her cortisol levels rose again and squirmed uncomfortably. Mel cleared her throat and attempted to clear her mind.
"Thank you. For not leaving me there" she finally managed, almost so quiet as to be inaudible.
"I didn't want him to die" Ellie said, matter-of-factly.
Their eyes met and Mel once again recognised just how broken Ellie was, like her, filled to the brim with sadness and regret. Owens last moments once again flashed into her mind, his blood soaking her jacket as he died in her arms. She broke eye contact to clear the tears forming in hers.
"I thought I wanted Joel dead" she said once again looking up and trying to straighten her shoulders "He took everything from me, but then, after, it was all even worse" her voice cracked and the tears started to flow properly now.
Ellie's attempt to remain stoic was going nearly as badly as Mels as tears formed in her own eyes. Jesse looked like a fish out of water, completely unsure as to what to do or say and they all drifted back into silence.
To his evident relief, Seth appeared bearing their food and breaking the silence with the clink of plates on the table.
"You should eat before that baby starts eating you. You're tiny enough as it is" Dina suggested, smiling warmly.
Like a wave, Mels hunger and exhaustion hit her. She felt like shit. Dina was right, she needed to eat and then she needed to sleep.
Jesse
Mel had devoured her meal in short order, but that was more or less it. None of them seemed eager to push the conversation any further. He was exhausted by the days they had spent on the road, navigating their way through the shattered country here to Jackson and if he was, the others, particularly Mel, must be as well. So he found himself walking the diminutive young woman to her new home.
"Sorry for ambushing you like that"
"That's okay... Thank you for everything you've done" she replied, looking up with a soft smile.
"They wouldn't have hurt you" Jesse said, after a long pause "Ellie and Tommy. I don't think they would have left you either. You did know though, didn't you, where Abby was?" He asked as nonchalantly as he could.
"Yes" she replied after a long pause and a deep breath "It wouldn't have helped though. Not where Abby was going. Are you going to tell her?"
"No. Tommy was right, we needed to come home"
"If it's any consolation, she's probably dead now" she said.
He turned to find her face wet with tears again. This wasn't really his area of expertise. Mel was a bit of an enigma. From talking to her, he got the impression her life in Seattle had already been coming apart at the seams before Ellie got there and from the way she dealt with them, it didn't seem like her constant panic attacks were new. She didn't really seem to fit with the WLF, she was a medic, not a killer and obviously hated the war she was fighting in. How she had ended up there and alongside the girl who'd tortured Joel and beaten him to death with a golf club was still a bit of a mystery. People were complicated. But he liked her.
"I don't think any of it really helped her at all"
"Yeah… I think I understand that. It didn't help me. Killing Joel"
"You don't have to rehash this all with me..."
"Why did you stick your neck out for me" Mel asked pointedly. She was still on edge and trusted them as much as Maria trusted her.
"Because it was the right thing to do? Let's be real, if we'd wanted to hurt you in any way, there are easier ways than bringing you all the way here to do it. The world is fucked, but personally, I'd like to see it a bit less fucked and so do the people here"
"Sorry, I didn't…" she trailed off and looked away.
"Don't worry!" he laughed "I get it, really. Trust is earned. Anyway this is us" he gestured at a low gate and the small prefab cabin it led to.
The lights were off and it was poorly illuminated by the street lamps and shaded by a large tree. He watched her look it over, tense up and shuffle backwards slightly. Flighty much?
"I'll get the lights on…" he said, trying not to sigh in exasperation.
"Thanks"
The cabin was one of a few that were dotted around this area of the town. They were temporary accommodation, mainly used by passing traders. It wasn't much, but it'd be okay until they found her something more permanent.
"All clear" he smiled and she entered cautiously behind him, placing down the small pack that contained all her worldly possessions.
"Sorry it's a bit pokey. It's just temporary until we can get you some proper digs."
"No it's great. Is power rationed?"
"Oh nah, we're hydro-powered, so feel free to leave the lights on. There's a wood burner for heat though. It's pretty frigid, want me to light it?"
"Please"
As he layered kindling on top of some waste paper in the little wood burner, he watched her unpack from the corner of his eye. Most of the pack was actually a pretty comprehensive looking first aid kit, so the space for her personal belongings was even more limited. She saw him watching.
"It's called a BT kit, Battlefield Trauma kit, it's like a stripped down operating theatre. It's missing a few bits though. It was getting hard to find replacements for consumables" she explained.
"That's cool. Guessing you had to use it a fair bit"
She just nodded and returned to unpacking. Piling what clothes she had on the single bed alongside a diary or scrapbook of some kind and a small electronic tablet and it's charger. And that was it.
"You pack light"
"Had to, didn't have time to worry about anything else. Other priorities"
"We can get you some more clothes tomorrow. You're going to need some winter gear, it gets cold"
"That'd be great. I'm running low on pre-natal vitamins as well… don't know if that's something you guys have…"
"I'm sure we do. We have a midwife as well. Maria is going to organise something"
"Oh, right"
"Sorry, must feel a bit like you're being railroaded…"
"It's okay, story of my life" she smiled slightly "I'm shattered, alright if I…"
"Oh right" he closed the door on the wood burner which was now burning nicely and stood up "last thing, bathrooms just through there, there's a shower, but it'll be freezing until the burner heats up enough water for you"
"I'll wait for tomorrow"
"Cool, well I'll leave you to it. I'll bring you something to eat in the morning and show you some more of the town"
To his surprise, she hugged him, albeit lightly and quickly. Progress I guess? He thought. This must have been the first time she'd physically touched anyone since the aquarium.
"Thank you for everything"
"See you tomorrow"
The rest of Jackson was likewise hitting the hay as Jesse walked home through the streets, curtains closing and lights flicking off. He took a deep breath in, inhaling crisp, frigid air permeated by the smokey scent of woodburners. As the quiet enveloped him he reflected on Seattle. There had been moments of excitement and discovery, but ultimately all he had felt there was an overwhelming sense of dread as they navigated that dead city. They were lucky they'd made it back, but they weren't all the same people they were when they left. Ellie had gone there seeking answers and catharsis and all she'd found was death and regret. He was worried about her.
Tomorrow was a new day though and his friends' problems were his problems.
