Mel

Mel awoke the next morning, drenched in sweat and with a dead arm. With a start she bolted into a sitting position and flailed the guilty limb until feeling returned to it. There were just a few embers smouldering in the little wood burner, but it still felt like she was in a furnace. Still half asleep, she rifled through her medical kit until she found an in-ear thermometer. Her core temperature was a little elevated, but running a little hot was normal in her condition, so she centred herself and lay back down again and tried to go back to sleep.

She couldn't do it. She felt gross. It had been over a week since she last washed and she'd been cycling through the same three sets of clothes that entire time. Alongside her vitamins, she'd also forgotten her toothbrush in Seattle. A flush of embarrassment overcame her for a moment imagining her body odor and breath in that cramped four wheel drive for a week, but the others must have stunk as much as she did.

The shower Jesse had mentioned was calling to her, so she got up with an audible sigh. The sweet spot between scalding heat and freezing cold was hard to find, but she got there eventually. As cramped as it was, the bathroom was reasonably well-equipped, there was soap and what she assumed was home-made shampoo in a small dispenser. There were even little toiletry kits obviously pilfered from a variety of hotels and motels across the country. She picked a little bag that read Little America Hotel & Resort - Cheyenne and brushed her teeth. She almost felt like a functional human being. Almost. Just need some clean clothes .

Realizing she had no idea what the time was, she dressed and peaked out through the curtains. Warm daylight streamed in. She'd slept her way through an entire night uninterrupted and felt almost like a completely different person for it. The anxiety was still there, but without the exhaustion Mel felt like she could stay on top of it. Just as she sat down, her serenity was interrupted by a sharp knock. She answered the door and was surprised to find Dina on the threshold rather than Jesse.

"Hey..."

"Morning! Sorry, Jesse's dealing with some family stuff, but I come bearing gifts" Dina said, enthusiastically holding out a canvas tote bag. "Breakfast and pills"

"Oh thanks"

Mel was starving so she invited Dina in, sat on the bed and unpacked the contents of the bag. Wrapped in foil was four pieces of french toast, dripping in maple syrup, and a small glass bottle of freshly squeezed orange juice. Alongside this were packets of Iodine, Folic acid and Prenatal Vitamins. Dina sat on the end of the bed and just watched as Mel inhaled her breakfast.

"What's it like… you can't have long to go" she asked

"Well my back is killing me, I'm tired all the time, my boobs are sore and sometimes it feels like they're having a dance party down there… but it's kind of special as well"

"You've got the glow"

"Bullshit. You know there is a mirror in that bathroom" Mel laughed "what about you, how are you feeling?"

"Tired, aches in strange places, but at least the morning sickness has passed. I need to pee about as often as you as well"

"Yeah, it was good not being the only one on the way here"

"Do you know what you're having"

"No… I had an ultrasound back in Seattle, but we… Owen wanted it to be a surprise…"

"Come on, you've got an appointment" Dina wisely interrupted, sensing the emotional landmine Mel was treading on.

"Appointment?"

"Midwife, and Maria wants you to meet Doctor Cosgrove"

"Oh right, Jesse said"

Jacksons clinic was small, located in an old colonial style house, but as well equipped as any pre-Cordyceps general practice must have been. Mel saw a couple of nurses at work and met the towns midwife, a no-nonsense, stocky woman who must have been in her late sixties, with short hair frazzled and graying. Her name was Jo and Mel liked her immediately. She was all business, skipping the pleasantries and moving quickly along to a particularly thorough assessment of how both mother and baby were doing"

"You're a waif. They not have food where you come from?"

"It's been a rough few weeks and..."

"Your little one needs to put some weight on and so do you" She interrupted. This wasn't really a conversation, Mel realised, and promptly shut her mouth as the lecture continued.

"Your blood pressure is through the fucking roof as well" it wasn't really, Mel had been checking and had seen what Jo had seen, but she held her tongue "I can see why. You're a bundle of nerves. I don't care how you do it, but you need to find some Zen or you're going to have one pissed off baby. They pick up that shit"

Mel just nodded as she received her marching orders.

"Other than that, all seems well. They're in the engaged position, quite early. They want to get out of there. Don't blame them. Know what it is?"

"No, I…"

"Doctor can sort that out. Now I want some extra pounds on you next time I see you and find! Your! Centre!"

"Yes m'am" Mel said, trying not to sound too sarcastic.

Jo raised an eyebrow and shooed her out into the reception where Dina was waiting.

"We love Jo" Dina commented, suppressing a giggle.

"Yeah…"

"Healthy then"

"I think so? Need to put some weight on"

"Could have told you that for free"

After about ten minutes waiting in reception, one of the nurses led Mel to the Doctors office. Light streamed in through a big bay window, illuminating a spacious and well furnished office, with large oak shelves piled high with books, medical paraphernalia and an odd assortment of nick nacks. Sitting behind a large, wooden desk, piled with notebooks and paperwork was the small, hunched figure of Doctor Cosgrove. As she entered he looked up from his work and peered at her through thick circular glasses before standing and shaking her hand.

"Gideon Cosgrove" he introduced himself, smiling warmly.

"Melissa Jackson"

"Fortuitous surname. Good to meet you. Can you take a seat?"

Mel took a seat opposite.

"Maria tells me you're a Doctor"

"Not technically. I trained under one, but I'm a combat medic really"

"Yes, she gave me a bit of background. T triple C only, or...?"

"Mainly field stuff at first, but I've been hospital based the last couple of years. Well what we called the hospital at least…"

"And what sort of work did you do there?"

"Battlefield trauma mostly, but some general practice and surgery, Caesars, Appendectomies, that sort of thing, even a Coronary Bypass"

"Good. We don't care about technically here, we care about functionally"

The conversation just trailed off as he sized her up and an awkward silence developed.

"I'm old, if you couldn't tell. Nearly eighty. I would have retired years ago if the world hadn't ended. It's getting harder, my eyesight isn't what it used to be and I have early-onset Arthritis. Means surgery is becoming a no-go"

"Okay…"

"You're going to be my replacement. That's what Maria wants at least. Do you think you can do it"

"I… I don't know… I'm not a real Doctor"

"You're as real a Doctor as any in this world, you have the experience and I'm going to trust that you have the skill"

"It was different though, I had help… Other medics…"

"It's a journey, and I won't be disappearing any time soon. It'll be gradual. I started my career the same way you did. Medic. Vanguards, 18th Mechanised. My baptism of fire was the Gulf War. I know that will probably mean nothing to you, long before you were born. Walk in the park compared to what you kids are living through but here we are..."

"I'm getting the impression I might not have much choice in this"

"Everyone has a choice. I need you to want to do this"

"I mean yeah, I do want to. Well help how I can at least"

"That's all I'm asking for"

"For now…"

"For now" He smiled

"When would I start"

"When would you want to? You're heavily pregnant, I'm not going to expect too much at this point and I suspect you will have other priorities when they arrive"

"I want to earn my place though. There's a lot I can do now"

"We'll ease you in. Now let's talk about your health and your little one"

"Sure"

"How long have you been having the panic attacks"

Mel tensed and her cheeks flushed with a mixture of anger and embarrassment.

"Wow, so she did give you the background"

"Yes... Unsolicited I might add, but her intentions were pure"

"About three years" Mel replied, sighing

"Was there some kind of trigger event?"

"I think so yeah, out in the field, but I don't really want to go into it… Sorry... I've always been a bit anxious though"

"It's hard not to be these days. That's fine I'm not going to pry, but what I will say is that what I think you are experiencing isn't unique. All this world is is grief heaped upon pain. Things are different here, safer, calmer, but those underlying traumas are still there. We're all survivors of something one way or another. I'm not out there and I don't know what you have seen and done, the traumas you carry, but I know what being a medic means in the context you were in. It was a long time ago, but I remember the dread, the suffering and the death. We used to have support services for this, people you could talk to. That's still the best treatment, talking. So I'd like you to think about that"

"Treatment for what?" Mel asked after a deep pause.

"Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. PTSD" He said gently.

"Right…" She started biting her nails. An old reflex.

"It's nothing to be ashamed of"

"I'm not and I guess I could have diagnosed that myself. I think I've got it under control"

"It's not really about getting it under control, shutting a door on it. It requires a therapeutic approach. Like I said, give it some thought. We don't have a psychiatrist, but there are people you can talk to…"

"I'll have a think" Mel replied, with no intention of following through on that. She didn't know these people and didn't appreciate Maria telling this Doctor her personal business without her consent. And she was lecturing me on trust? Fuck you Maria.

"Now. Physical health. I have notes from Joelene. You're underweight and your blood pressure is a little elevated like she said, but I'm not overly concerned at this point. Have you been taking anything? Supplements?"

"Folic Acid, Iodine, Prenatal vitamins. But there's been a gap, I didn't have any until this morning"

"Good, that will help. Keep your fluids up and try and get some more fibre and protein in your diet as well. You need to keep moving as well, keep your fitness levels up"

"Understood… I don't know what I'm having… Jo said you could help with that?"

"Of course! Right this way"

Mel was glad that conversation was over, but as Gideon led her to another room, containing the ultrasound equipment, her mind went to another place, one she did not want to go. The aquarium. Fuck you, Owen… she remembered saying. And then he was dying in her arms. Her pulse quickened and her hearing started to ring as she hyperventilated and stumbled. The little doctor grabbed a hold of her, stabilising her and gently helping her into a chair. She was vaguely aware of him trying to talk to her, but all she heard was the ringing and all she saw was Owen looking up at her with glazed eyes.

Next thing she knew, Dina was there, holding her hand tightly, concern painted on her face. Gideon was offering her a paper bag and saying something to her. Mels senses gradually started returning and she accepted the bag and began breathing deep breaths into it as tears flowed freely down her cheeks.

Finally her breathing and pulse slowed and the world returned to a semblance of normality around her. Dina was still holding her, so she turned and tried to smile.

"Thanks. Sorry, just a panic attack"

"You don't have to do this now…" The old Doctor said

"No, please, I'd like to see them" she replied urgently, looking to Dina "Can you stay?"

"Of course, I want to see too!" She smiled warmly and squeezed Mels hand.

They helped her up onto the bed and Gideon gelled up her bump and began. He rotated a small LCD screen around and there they were. Her little one.

"They're pretty lively, but that's understandable. Lot of cortisol flowing through your veins right now"

"Small though right?" Mel observed with a bit of worry creeping in.

"On the little side, twentieth percentile or so. I wouldn't be too worried right now. There's the placenta, everything is pumping as it should. Now, would you still like to know what you're having"

She felt Dina place a hand of support on her shoulder.

"Please"

She felt him shift the probe and saw the image shift. Mel didn't need him to tell her, she'd done enough of these herself back in Seattle.

"There she is" She said quietly.

"There she is. Healthy as can be" He confirmed.

They left the relatively calm atmosphere of the clinic for the hustle and bustle of a midmorning Jackson. The air was brisk and the sun was shining. As they walked through the streets, Mel felt a sense of relief. The ultrasound had helped her in a way she didn't expect. It was as if she had turned a page in her life and was beginning a new chapter. She still felt profound loss and aching loneliness, but she also felt a deeper connection with the life growing within her and was excited to meet her. My little girl .

"Are you ok? Do you want to talk about it?" Dina asked, breaking the silence.

"I am now, I think. I'm glad I looked, it kinda feels more real now… and yeah, Doctor said I should talk about stuff, but I don't think I'm there yet. Thank you for staying with me though"

"That's okay. Offer stands"

"You'll be due for a scan soon…You going to find out?" Mel asked, gently changing the subject.

"Shit yeah. I have no self control when it comes to stuff like that. Pretty sure Jesse will want to know as well"

"He seems like he'd be a good dad"

"The best" Dina smiled "Know what you're going to call her?"

"Not yet. I've got a list, well a few lists actually... But I think I'll wait til I meet her"

"Guess we should start making lists as well…You look freezing, we need to get you something warmer to wear"

"Yes please, I'm over wearing the same dirty clothes every day"

"Yeah no one wanted to say anything, but you stunk the whole trip here"

Mels cheeks once again reddened with embarrassment, but Dina just laughed and shoulder bumped her gently.

"It's a joke. We all smelt like shit and I swear being pregnant has given me a superhuman sense of smell. It was a nightmare. Anyway, come on, let's get you dressed and fed, then I can give you the grand tour"