Chapter 3

Mel

The week passed quickly. Mel kept herself busy at the clinic, mostly sitting in on Doctor Cosgroves consultations, getting to know his patients and how he worked. His eyesight may well have been going, but he was as sharp as a tack. He was also kind, patient and the people of Jackson trusted him implicitly. They'd be big boots to fill and the thought of taking all that on was a source of ongoing tension. The Doctor, Gideon, called it imposter syndrome and in response he'd taken pains to ask for her input more and more. It felt awkward and forced, but he meant well. For their part, his patients were accepting of her presence and no one questioned how she came to be there. Why would they?

Life at her little cabin started to take on more of a semblance of normality as well. Since her morning with Dina, she now had clothes more appropriate to the colder climes of Wyoming and more importantly, a bucket and laundry soap to clean them with. It was here that she spent most of her time while not at the clinic. Still, it wasn't home yet. She wanted to nest, to make it her own and her little girls, but they kept saying this was only temporary, that they'd be moving her soon. And so she waited and counted down the days.

She was becoming more comfortable being largely alone. The grief and the aching loneliness she'd felt in the time after Owens death was still there, but the flutters and kicks in her abdomen always seemed to come at the right time to remind her that she had a future and someone else was relying on her. She kept to herself and, aside from the long evening walks around the town she'd started taking, stayed in her cabin. She wasn't entirely alone though, Dina and Jesse checked in on her every other day. Jesse in particular seemed to feel some kind of responsibility for her. Mel had taken to reminding him that she was a grown woman, but truth be told, she enjoyed the visits. And so when she heard a knock on the door, she assumed it was him.

It was late and she was about to turn in for the night, but she'd found a charger for her battered old kindle that day and she'd rediscovered how there was always one more chapter.

"Just a minute" she just about shouted as she scrambled to put on pants. There was no reply.

Opening the door her fight or flight instincts kicked in and her stress levels immediately spiked.

"Hey... I need to talk to you" Ellie said quietly.

Mels eyes drifted to the knife at Ellie's belt and she took a step back.

"Ummm, can I come in?"

"Sure" Mel replied after a pause, as calmly as she could manage.

She hadn't seen Ellie since her first night in Jackson and hadn't really wanted to. Here was the girl who had killed Owen in front of her and here was a reminder of Mels own guilt for how their quest for vengeance had ended.

Mel took a seat crossed legged on her bed, back against the wall. She was painfully aware of how vulnerable she was, but the rational side of her brain told her that Ellie hadn't come here to kill her. She got her breathing under control, taking deep breaths and exhaling slowly. Ellie for her part looked inquisitively around the room, pretending not to notice Mels mild panic attack and took a seat at the end of the bed.

"Sorry it's a bit of a mess…" Mel finally managed.

"They've got you living in a cupboard like Harry Potter" Ellie replied with only the slightest hint of humor in her voice.

"Yeah I guess so… You read them all?"

"Only found the first"

"Oh I've got the rest on here if you want to borrow it sometime" Mel said, picking up her kindle.

Ellie didn't respond, looking away and instead fishing out a small tape recorder from her backpack and pressing play. A familiar voice started playing:

"Most people have left already… I don't know which group I'm going to join… I was one of the ones who wanted to go after the smuggler and the girl… They said … Even if we found her, or by some miracle found someone else that's immune, it'd make no difference. 'Cause the only person who could develop a vaccine is dead"

"That's your voice isn't it? I didn't recognize it that day… Suppose it would have made everything make more sense… it only clicked on the way back from Seattle" Ellie said.

"Yeah… That's my voice… I was seventeen. Feels like forever ago. So you went back to Saint Marys?"

"I needed to know… What happened there. So you wanted to come after us?"

"Yeah… I did"

"And her?"

"Abby? The surgeon, Jerry, who was working on the vaccine, that was her dad. He killed him. It broke her"

Wiping a few stray tears from her green eyes Ellie looked over at Mel.

"I hated him for it. Joel. He killed all those people. For me. It was my fault. My life could have meant something and he took that away from me. But then I realized he gave me another chance and then you people took him, and tortured him, and killed him"

"We didn't even know your name... Used to just call you Jane Doe. No one blamed you… I hated him though. He took everything from me. I had no one, no future until I met the Fireflies. Jerry was like my dad as well… I didn't want that though… What happened… He wanted me to be a Doctor, not an accessory to fucking torture"

Mel fought to maintain her composure, but she felt like her chest was in a vice and a wave of nausea swept over. Ellie looked at her with concern, but didn't say anything. Slowly but surely she found her calm as Ellie twiddled her thumbs patiently.

"I don't expect your forgiveness, but I am sorry. Anyway, I guess what goes around comes around doesn't it? I saw your map, back at the aquarium... I'm the only one left aren't I?"

Ellie looked away again and returned the tape to pack.

"And Abby. Do you wish you guys had killed me there and then?"

"I wanted to, at the time. Do you remember? I didn't think anyone would give a shit about him, but then I saw you and what Abby had done because of who she'd lost. You scared the shit out of me" Mel replied, voice cracking. "What about you, wish you'd killed me at the aquarium?"

"No"

"But you came there too didn't you, like the others?"

"Yeah, I wanted to kill every fucking one of you, but you're right, it's just a big circle of shit. She's probably out there right now wanting to kill me"

"No, I think she's probably dead"

"You can cut the shit, I know you knew where she was, you were going to tell me before…" Ellie trailed off.

"Before you killed Owen? Yeah I did, but it wouldn't have made a difference, you see that now don't you? The circle?" Mel said, drawing a circle in the air in front of her.

"Can you tell me about him?"

Mel felt the now familiar feelings rising up and the tears flowing gently once more. She rested a hand on her belly and felt a reassuring kick.

"I loved him. He was kind, gentle, he made me laugh and he made me smile… He would have been a great dad… He didn't love me though. Not in the way I thought he did… Not in the same way he loved Abby… But I miss him. I miss him so much. He saved you, at the lodge, he was the voice of reason, like always"

"You were arguing when I got there"

"Yeah. Wish that had been different as well"

"I hadn't really spoken to Joel properly since I found the tape. It sucks, things ending that way… Wish I'd gotten to say goodbye properly as well… Do you hate me?"

Mel took a deep breath and leaned back against the headboard, looking up toward the roof.

"No, I don't think I do. You?"

"No, I don't hate you. Not sure I like you though"

"Well that feeling is mutual" Mel forced a smile, looking at Ellie.

"Were you close? With Abby?"

"Once upon a time, yeah. She was my best friend. We did everything together, like we were joined at the hip. I could tell you a thousand stories about all the shit we got up to. I owe her a lot, she convinced her dad to take me on and she was kind to me when I had no one else. But we all changed after Saint Marys and Seattle brought out the worst in all of us. We drifted apart. She wasn't the same person when we got here, none of us were"

"Changed us as well" Ellie replied quietly, looking down at her hands. Mel just nodded in acknowledgment and went back to staring at the ceiling.

"I think Dina likes you. Jesse too"

"I like them too… You excited about the baby? Dinas"

"Fuck no. They shit so much! I don't know how I'm gonna deal with it"

"And they vomit, and scream, and bite and just about everything else"

"Ugh. Fuck… Did you plan it?

"Kind of... I wasn't one hundred percent expecting it to happen, but I think I always wanted it"

"You're nuts, you and Dina. You're having a girl?"

"Yeah, not long to go now as well. It's all feeling very real. I'm glad I'm alive"

"Looks likes she's going to explode out of you like in Alien"

"Not sure I get the reference..."

"The movie, Alien"

"Haven't seen it…"

"Surprised Jesse hasn't made you watch it… Maybe next movie night"

"That an invite?"

"We'll see... Is that it then? Are we meant to be good now?"

"I'm not sure" Mel sighed "What do you think?"

"I don't think it's going to be that easy"

"No, probably not"

"I think I understand you a bit better though and I meant it, I don't hate you. I'm not going to shank you either, so can you please stop freaking the fuck out whenever you see me"

"I'll try"

"Would this help?" Ellie asked, drawing her knife and offering the hilt to Mel.

"Thanks, but I'd rather not"

"Suit yourself" Ellie shrugged "Anyway, it's late, I better go" She said, standing up with a jerk "I'll see you around"

"Yeah see you around"

Jesse

The thaw would come soon enough, but right now, it was slow going. Still plenty of daylight hours to go though, they had time. He'd picked this patrol specifically, knowing that he'd be paired with Ellie. She hadn't been the same since Joels death, and although her rage had subsided after Seattle, Dina was worried about her, and so was he. He'd barely seen her over the last week. She'd taken every patrol she could pick up and was actively avoiding having any kind of conversation with him or with anyone else for that matter. They needed to talk.

"So…"

"Nope"

"Nope what?" Jesse laughed.

"We're not talking about my feelings" Ellie replied with evident disdain for the word.

"Come on dude, we're worried"

"I'm. Fine"

"No you're not and no one expects you to be"

Ellie just glared at him and they returned to riding silently. She'd never been one to talk about her feelings much. Ellie was a classic introvert, but she was sharp, funny, kind and hopeful. That Ellie was still there, he was sure of that.

"Dinas worried about you"

"Jesus Jesse! You're like a fucking dog with a bone"

"Woof, woof. You better talk or I'm just gonna keep going on about it"

"I dunno. I just feel lost after Seattle" Ellie sighed with exasperation.

"Yeah I get it. Shit was fucked"

"I don't know what happened. I flipped. I turned into him"

"Joel?"

"Yeah. I miss him… and I wish we hadn't left it like that… I wish we'd sorted our shit out. But he killed a lot of people. For me. That's why they came for him in the first place"

"I kind of got that… Dude had a past, even if he didn't talk about it"

"Jesse, I'm not sure you're getting it. He killed a fuck ton of people and they might have been able to fix it if he didn't. All of it. The fungus, the infected… I've got this kind of immunity to it"

"Yeah I know…"

"Of course you fucking do. She tell you? Mel? She was one of them, the Fireflies"

"No. Tommy told me, back in Seattle"

"Dick. Whatever… I was so angry with him, I thought I hated him. Until he was gone. Then I became him. I killed a lot of people in Seattle. Would have killed more. I thought it'd make it better"

"And it didn't, did it?"

"No. Now I just feel like a monster"

"Ellie, I'm not going to pretend I know what you're going through, but I know you. You're not a monster"

"Your new buddy is scared shitless of me"

"Yeah well she's scared shitless of everyone and everything, doesn't make you a monster. Fact that you feel like one probably means you're not right?"

"You're reaching there"

"Maybe. But you're here now and there are people here who love you and need you"

Ellie took a deep breath and pulled on her reins, coming to a halt.

"Yeah… I've been thinking about that. I'm not what's best for Dina. She deserves better. She deserves you"

"Does Dina get any input on what's best for her? We've been over this anyway. Dina and I were together, now we're not. That hasn't changed"

"What? Interests elsewhere now?"

"Hey, fuck you! That's a low blow and you know that's not what that's about. We're not talking about her anyway, so don't try and change the subject. You know exactly what I mean. Dina loves you and you love her. You're who she needs. Especially now"

"Can you picture me changing nappies?"

"Is that part of it? The baby?"

"Yeah… I'm not mom material, I'm all fucked up"

"Everyones fucked up Ellie, and you're not going to be doing it alone. They're my kid too"

"Just one big happy family then?"

"Yeah! You bet your ass. That's what we are. Family. We look out for each other. No one expects you to suddenly be fine, but we're all here for you. You don't have to do this alone"

"She's still out there" Ellie almost whispered

"You don't know that. She could be dead. Either way you're not. Out there I mean. You're here"

"She worried I'm going to go off again?"

"Should she be? You were just telling me how killing all those people didn't help?"

"Maybe I didn't kill the right people?"

"Feel like we're going round in circles…"

"Welcome to my life"

"I think you know you need to break that cycle and move on"

"Easier said than done"

"Maybe just take it one day at a time? And talk to us. You're not alone"

"I just feel so empty all the time"

"I'm not a therapist, but I'm guessing it'll take time. We need to start hanging out again. You don't have to take all these patrols…"

"Guess I just needed space"

"I can understand that, take as much as you need. But yeah, we miss you"

They continued on, largely silent, but Jesse felt the tension lift slightly. Baby steps. Ahead the path opened and the snow drifts became fewer and fewer, shallower and shallower, as their altitude lowered. The air was crisp and cool, a light breeze whistling through the trees, but there wasn't a cloud in the blue sky and he was getting hot under the too many layers he'd opted to wear. Spring was coming.

Rounding a corner, Ellie tensed and Jesses eyes immediately darted to where she was looking. A horse was coming their way, it's rider leaning lazily as if they were half asleep or drunk. His hand drifted to the rifle scabbard on his saddle and he saw Ellie draw hers.

Before either of them could say anything, the rider slumped off, falling into the snow and rolling onto their front. They both recognised the horse at the same time. Tommy. Moving like lightning, Ellie dismounted and ran to him, Jesse following close behind. She rolled him onto his back just as he arrived.

"Tommy! Tommy!" Ellie shouted, shaking him lightly.

He didn't look good, he certainly wasn't conscious. Tommys left arm was wrapped in bandages, yellow stained and crimson with dried blood. His right thigh was enshrouded with yet more dressing, but blood was seeping through these aggressively. Looking over at the horse, he saw it's right side was slick with red.

"We need to get him to town." Jesse said "Like right now!"

"Help me get him up" Ellie replied, placing one of his arms over her shoulder.

They gently raised him back onto his horse and secured him. The ride back to town wasn't easy and with the need to constantly check on his breathing and make sure he didn't fall off, it wasn't fast. By no small miracle, Tommy was still breathing when they carried him into the clinic. The nurses immediately dropped everything and leapt into action, placing Tommy on a gurney and disappearing behind a closed door. All they could do was wait.

"I'm going to find Maria. You good to wait here" Jesse asked.

"No. I'll go" Ellie replied briskly, disappearing out the door before Jesse could say anything.

And so Jesse was left in the waiting room alone, with only a ticking clock for company. It felt like hours passed before Ellie returned with Maria in tow, but looking at the time, it'd only been about fifteen minutes.

"Have they told you anything?" Maria asked with surprising calm given her husband had looked like he was on death's door.

"Nothing. I didn't know whether to go check…"

Maria immediately moved to the door, but it opened just as she got there, the small frame of Doctor Cosgrove stepping through followed by the only very slightly taller figure of Mel. The doctor was dressed in a sharp looking brown suit with a red bowtie in juxtaposition to the green surgical scrubs Mel had donned, a few sizes too big for her to accommodate her bump. Both seemed calm and collected.

"Can I see him?" Maria asked firmly.

"Please, can you all take a seat" the Doctor said, gesturing to the waiting room behind them. They all took their seats, Maria with visible reluctance, and Doctor Cosgrove pulled up one of his own. Mel stood further back with obvious awkwardness, seemingly eager for the old Doctor to take the lead. He cleared his throat.

"He's currently sedated and is been prepped for surgery. It's lucky you found him when you did. He's lost a lot of blood and his wounds are severely infected. It looks like whatever happened to him, happened days ago"

"Is he going to die?" Ellie just about whispered.

"Not if we have anything to do about it. I'm going to let my steadier handed colleague explain seeing as she will be the one operating on him" He replied, gesturing for Mel to come forward. She seemed far calmer than he'd seen her to this point, a far cry from the bundle of nerves she usually was. Jesse guessed this was as close to home ground as it got for her here. Still she seemed visibly reluctant.

"Hi. First things first, I know you don't really know me and you don't trust me, but I've been pulling bullets out of people since I was fourteen. I'm not going to let him die"

"Just tell us what's happening" Maria snapped "Please"

"There's a small calibre bullet lodged in his right thigh. Doesn't look like it's fragmented and it should be straightforward to remove. However, the wound is heavily infected and we're going to have to excise a lot of dead and dying tissue. He's not going to lose the leg, but he is going to have deep muscle and tissue damage to recover from. He's not going to have the same level of mobility in that leg afterwards either"

"Doesn't sound too bad" Jesse said hopefully.

"It could be a lot worse. I'm more worried about the arm. He's taken a shotgun blast to it, thankfully at long range and it looks like it was only glancing or it'd be in a much worse state. His hand is shredded and his arm is riddled with buckshot. He's going to lose at least two fingers, possibly three. He could lose the whole arm depending on what he's been hit with"

"What do you mean?" Maria asked.

"If it was pre-plague ammo, then a lot of it can be left in there, digging it all out will just mean more trauma. My right wrist is full of bits of steel and ballistic plate and I get by. If it's homemade ammo it's a different story. I've seen glass, stones, scrap metal, wood, plastic and the Seraphites, the people we were fighting in Seattle, had a special trick where they'd use buckshot full of bone fragments and Cordyceps spores… That was pretty rare and we'd know by now if it was that. Point is, depending on what's in there, the risk of later infection might be too great. It might be safer to amputate it"

She looked around at everyone, making sure they were all listening before focussing on Maria.

"That's a decision he can't make right now and it's not one we can make for him either. I can only give you my medical opinion. I'd like to try and save the arm, but I'd also like your consent to amputate it if we have to"

"Gideon?" Maria said, turning to the Doctor.

"We are in agreement. The risk of severe infection and death may be too great" He replied.

"Okay. I'm going to trust you to make the right decision" She said, sighing.

"Thank you. We better get to it then" Mel said

"See you on the other side. We're going to do our best for him" Doctor Cosgrove added, smiling warmly.

They both turned for the door, the Doctor going first. Mel looked back at them with a hint of worry on her face, so Jesse flashed her his most overenthusiastic thumbs up. She smiled and followed the little old Doctor through.

"You really trust her?" Ellie asked Maria

"You can't run a town like Jackson without some healthy scepticism, but I trust Gideons opinion and he's had nothing but praise for her so far"

"Are you okay Maria?" Jesse asked

"I will be when he's out of there and recovering" Maria replied, with strength in her voice. "Will take more than this to kill someone as thick as shit as Tommy"

"He shouldn't have been out there at all… It's all my fault" Ellie said guiltily, wiping a tear from her eye "If I hadn't fucked off to Seattle..."

"Ellie. Tommy's a big boy. He made that decision himself. It's a dangerous world we live in, this sort of thing happens, even here" She said resting a hand on Ellie's shoulder and smiling "Besides, you're family and so was Joel"

"Do you think he would have done it? Joel. Gone after them? Killed them...?"

"I can't answer that. Joel was complicated… He had a past and I think he always expected it to come back to haunt him. He was riddled with regret. He loved you though and he wanted you to have a future. That's why he brought you here, to us, to your family"

"You're exactly where you belong Ellie" Jesse added.

"I think I need to take a walk" Ellie said, getting up and heading to the door "I'll be back in a bit"

Maria and Jesse watched her leave in silence.

"She's not doing too good" Jesse said.

"She's been through a lot. I need you to keep an eye on her"

"Yeah I'm trying to. Dina too"

"Thank you. It's a journey… The grief, the shame… I saw it all in Joel, but I think he'd found a semblance of peace towards the end. She needs that as well"

Jesse just nodded in understanding and they both returned to watching the clock tick by in silence.