Disclaimer: I do not own One-Punch Man.

Chapter 6: Martial Arts and an Esper, Part I

With Flashy Flash and Wild Horn gone to escort their new captive to prison, the other three heroes remained behind to wait at the end of the crudely uprooted train tracks – courtesy of a certain green-haired girl's brute force solution.

Swim stood a bit far off from the other two, her eyes fixed skyward and remaining so since the sisters took off. Her face was evenly frozen between confusion and terror, both battling for dominance over which unpleasant emotion she should feel more. She had never in her life seen a person look at somebody else with the same malice as Tatsumaki showed the Blizzard of Hell. If not for the Tornado of Terror's high-ranking status as a renowned hero, the rookie wasn't so confident that the angry gremlin wouldn't pop her sister's head off like the cork of a champagne bottle and bathe everyone in the ripe fountain of her crimson contents.

The young woman's shaken world had gone virtually unnoticed by the other two guys with her, who were faced with certain distractions of their own.

"Why don't you guys ever invite me along when something fun happens?" Saitama half-jokingly addressed Genos. "Just because I'm bald doesn't mean you have to treat me like an estranged uncle…"

"That is not it, Master…" The cyborg replied with dreary eyes, clearly caught up in a more depressing matter weighing upon his conscience. The atmosphere around him was so heavy with gloom that even Saitama took notice.

"Hey, what's up? Why you lookin' so glum, chum?" Genos shamefully averted his mentor's gaze. This prompted Saitama to lean in closer and try again with a teasing smile. "Hey, c'mon dude, cheer up. You're acting like someone died or something…" A long pause drew across their exchange, and the silence was starting to make Saitama feel uneasy. Just as he was about to insist for a final time, Genos broke the silence with a weak utterance.

"Sensei…" He bit down on his lip, searching for the right words to voice his condolence. "I am so sorry… I have failed… I…could not save them."

Saitama's eyes slowly widened with onset shock. "Whoa… So what…you're telling me…they really did die?" Crippled by grief, all Genos could do was cuff a mechanical hand over his own mouth.

The revelation stretched slowly over Saitama like a chilling shadow, digging cold needles into his heart and stomach. He stood speechless in the aftershock of the news, feeling himself stiffen up as he clenched his fists in an effort to maintain his bearings.

Racking his head for what to say next, the only follow-up question that came to mind was,

"…How many?" Hearing the question caused Genos to visibly shudder. When the cyborg tried to turn away, his hairless companion grabbed him roughly by the shoulder and yanked him back into full-frontal focus. "Genos, how many?"

The mechanically modified man closed his eyes in mourning.

"…All…All of them…" He choked out.

Immediately releasing him from grip, Saitama pulled away to give the cyborg a lingering stare. After taking an agonizing moment to search his face, he then lowered his gaze to the ground for a moment to struggle with the notion that what happened was real.

Reflecting on the humanity he feared he may have traded for his overwhelming power; the bald hero wasn't sure what exact emotions he should feel – so by that same token, he wasn't sure he even had a right trying to express them. Should he feel frustrated for being too slow? Sad that the people would never return to their families? Angry at the bomber for causing their deaths?

And what about the psychic girl responsible for destroying the train? How the hell could even a person like her do such a thing with innocent people still stuck onboard?!

For that instant, thinking about it didn't make sense. It hurt from just trying. The confusion was overwhelming. The fuse of Saitama's pent-up outrage was drawing dangerously short. Just as he was about to fully let loose, Genos despondently continued. "So…in light of this tragic event…please allow me to rectify the loss of the crabs by going out to obtain more."

"Huh?"

Saitama looked at him as if the metal man had just descended from outer space to hunt down the last Klyptonian.

"Wait…" He held up his hands in a halting motion towards Genos. "Wait wait wait wait… Crabs?" His whole face was so contorted with disbelief that it looked like a deflated beach ball. "You're talking about losing crabs?"

"Uh?" Genos gave him a confused stare. "Well, um, y-yes, Sensei. The fresh supply of crabs I was carrying for the evening roast. Why? What did you assume that I mea—hurk!"

He found himself manhandled from the front by two strong clutches belonging to an incredibly disturbed sensei, cutting off his speech.

"Who gives a monkey's brass ball about a bunch of dumb crabs?!" Saitama shouted. "The people, Genos – the people." He emphasized slow and robotically, eyes digging sternly into the machine man's retinas. "Please, please tell me no one was on that thing when it went boom."

Genos blinked in realization. He was embarrassed to discover how he had been so wrapped up with his failed sacred errand of delivering the crabs that human casualty on a catastrophic scale had not dawned on him as a possible concern. "Ah. Before the Tornado of Terror threw me off the nose of the engine, I ran a quick thermal imaging scan, and no heat signatures were present within the train at the time it left the ground. I would surmise that the other heroes found a way to get the people to safety…"

Saitama heaved out a sigh of breath that he didn't even realize he was holding in. "I see… Then that's good."

"…assuming of course that the passengers did not leap off the speeding vehicle to their deaths during all the panic and confusion—"

His mentor snapped a hysterical face back to him with crazy bloodshot eyes popping out. "Why couldn't you just end the story at 'heroes saved them'?!" He spat while neurotically shaking the cyborg in his hands. "All I wanted was some happy closure, dammit!"

"They're all fine…"

The presence of the soft, innocent voice prompted Saitama to stop jostling his companion and look out over his shoulder at where it came from. He spotted Swim, who seemed to have snapped out of her trance for the time being to put the issue to rest. Her youthful face was still burdened with worry.

"Miss Fubuki used her powers." She continued in a light and wispy tone. "She saved everyone."

Saitama gave her an airy stare. "Who? Ah, that saucy fashionista." He clicked his tongue knowingly. "Well if that's what happened, then it's all good. Crabs are a little easier to replace than people, haha. Okay let's hit the trail, Genos."

The S-Class synth watched his bald mentor take a few blissful, exaggerated marches down the decimated track before calling after him. "Wait, Sensei! Won't the Tornado of Terror come looking for you?"

A brief image of the angry frilly-haired fairy flashed through Saitama's mind, and he screeched to a halt with his posture noticeably sagged. No way in hell did he want to deal with her right now, but one way or another, he supposed he would eventually have to. Especially since yesterday's invitation, which, given this latest brush with her, was already starting to feel more like slapping a pair of hand-cuffs between himself and the devil. "God, I can't catch a break…" He muttered.

Genos gave him a look of uncharacteristic sympathy. He wished just as much as anyone else that someone – especially a troublesome someone like Tatsumaki – wouldn't replace him at his master's side. But such as things were, seeking out the esper was first and foremost Saitama's own decision, even though one of the head honchos had personally offered him every available escape out of the abominable pact.

All that the pseudo-machine could do was respect his teacher's judgement…as much as he wasn't sure he'd ever come to understand it.

"Well then…if you will excuse me…" The cyborg turned to head off in the opposite direction.

"Huh? Wait, Genos? Where are you going? Hey you saw the way she was just now, right? You're not seriously leaving me to deal with that all by myself, right?... Right…?!" The rising hysteria in Saitama's voice made it sound as though he was being deserted and left to die on a bloody battlefield.

Genos turned his head to peer back at him. "I am sorry, Master, but if I do not set about acquiring more crabs immediately, then I will not be able to return in time for them to roast for dinner." 'And if that shitty bastard bitch brat tosses me through the sky one more fucking time, I am going to seriously fucking lose it.' The cyborg added internally, his inner voice sounding a lot more frantic than how calm and collected he appeared on the outside.

"Genos, it doesn't have to be a crab pot, you know." Saitama tried appealing. "It can be literally anything we can catch. Literally anything! How does a nice juicy pigeon roast sound to you? Eh? Ehhh?"

His disciple crinkled his nose at the suggestion before turning to glance over at Swim. He pulled a wad of paper out of his back pocket, taking a moment to uncrumple it and examine the picture of the missing sister again. His eyes narrowed dangerously on the detail he had caught earlier on the train before the business with the bomb disrupted it.

In the photo of the girl, resting comfortably between her two loving arms, was a plushie in the form of a pink rabbit. It had stubby limbs, long droopy ears, and was handsomely dressed in a tuxedo shirt with a tiny red bowtie. Hauntingly enough, it seemed to grin directly out at him through the picture with its beady black eyes and cute, curved smile.

'I have seen this animal before… I am absolutely certain of it.' The stare he was giving the stuffed toy was so intense that it could almost burn a hole through the poster without any help from his pulse rays. 'But where?'

He was so vexed by the crucial piece of information that seemed to be missing from his brain, Genos didn't notice that Swim had made her way over to his side to place a careful hand on the hard, smooth alloy of his shoulder. He drew back in a small shudder, causing the girl to pull her hand away.

"I-I'm sorry. I didn't mean to startle you…" She apologized in earnest. "It's just…the way you were looking at her. Like you were…in pain?"

"Do not be troubled." He reassured her. "I cannot feel pain."

"Well…what're you thinking so hard about there?"

Genos spared the poster's key feature one last glance before deciding to appeal to her. "This little girl…do you recall how I saved her?"

Swim gave him a thoughtful blink before responding. "Well, yeah. Yes. For the first few days after the event, it was all anyone could get her to talk about. That rainy day when you showed up to fight that green monster."

Genos put a finger to his chin in calm reflection. "Can you provide any additional details?"

"I'm afraid I wasn't actually there…" She lamented. "I'm only going off how my sis described it. She said it was a big green monster that wore a crown and had hearts for…umm…well…'boobs,' she called them." She fidgeted uncomfortably at repeating her sibling's word of choice.

"Green monster…wore a crown…hearts for—" The cyborg cut off his own recap with a sharp gasp in realization.

Ever since Dr. Kuseno equipped him with the means to pursue vengeance on the rogue machine responsible for bringing ruin to his hometown and family, Genos had encountered more than his fair share of mysterious beings on the path to his ultimate objective. But among them, there was only one such monster that matched such a curious description.

Memories of the incident came flooding back to him almost all at once – so fresh and vivid that it was as if he was reliving them this very moment…


His auxiliary systems were compromised. His right arm was viciously torn off. He had a missing eye. Half of the polymerized 'skin' he wore on his face had peeled away, revealing the grotesque details of artificial engineering beneath.

In the ensuing slugfest, he had been taken to the limit of damage with little to no difficulty from his assailant.

He was beaten, battered and broken.

Yet still he needed to fight. He was the last line of defense.

He didn't even have time to spare a single fret for the large crowd of people he was protecting before the hulking creature came at him again, waging hard and heavy fists upon the cyborg's increasingly dismantled frame.

Genos was past the point of caring. In fight-or-fight mode, all that mattered to him were how many blows he could return to the megalomaniacal monster before either of them went down.

He narrowly dodged one of the brute's punches, spotting a small opening where he saw that the creature had dedicated too much force by throwing his arm out.

Seizing the opportunity, Genos initiated a flurry of kicks, putting the undersea ruler on the defensive long enough to knock his jaw loose and send him reeling. The cyborg then craned his body forward, investing all his momentum into the only arm he had left. The uppercut connected squarely with the beast's chin, blasting him through the shelter's roof and sending a massive ball of fire following him out the newly-made exit.

Restricted to being airborne, the monstrous monarch yelled in exertion, flexing his muscles to repel the stream of flame threatening to engulf him. When the flares were forced away, Genos arrived out of nowhere to greet him in midair.

"Lightning Eye!" The cyborg activated a brilliant yellow flash through his last remaining oculus, bathing his adversary in a blinding ray that caused his pupils to shrivel.

"I can't see…!" The ocean dweller groaned in frustration. It was the only courtesy Genos would allow before sending him plummeting back into the shelter with a devastating axe kick.

Just as the monster came crashing against the roof, Genos propelled himself downwards to land on top of him with a renewed onslaught of strikes.

"Machine Gun Blows!"

The merciless surge of attacks sent them both crashing through the foundations back into the densely packed interior of the building. Despite their continued freefall, Genos would not let up on the assault. He knew that every nanosecond he did was a chance for his foe to steal back the advantage.

"You do enjoy a good combo attack, don't you?" The creature quipped with amusement, even as his face was being savagely bashed in.

The two kicked up a sandstorm of dust when they landed. As the cloud cleared, and Genos saw that the monster was back on its feet, his spirits fell sharply. If he had made any progress in that all-or-nothing attack, it now appeared as if he never even bothered in the first place.

The tyrant roared with primal delight as he single-handedly matched the cyborg's arm with the impossibly thick limb of his own. Even at a fraction the size of what he was up against, Genos did well to hold his opponent at bay, but it was clear at this point that the alpha reptile was just toying with him.

From behind the two contenders, one of the civilians was frantically pulling a little girl – presumably a daughter – by the hand, away from the violence. The child was barely up to the adult's hip. Even as she ran while holding a stuffed animal around her arm, she stared back over her shoulder, watching through brown, tearful eyes as the cyborg continued to struggle.

"Y-You can do it!" She dared to shout to Genos over the action, earning the attention of both fighters.

"Quiet!" The aquatic ruler bellowed in outrage, snapping his head toward her to spit out a gob of hot acid.

Genos watched in awe as the slimy green projectile coasted straight for her with freakish precision.

The monster let loose a jagged grin. "And now you melt…little girl."

"No!"

In an act of desperation, Genos completely withdrew from his quarry and dashed out in between the girl and the mucus missile. Just as he reached out to shove the girl out of the way, he felt the gruesome splatter of poison strike his back.

The effects were immediate. The liquid dissolved his clothes, skin, and even exoskeleton as if it were all just waxy tallow.

While Genos felt nothing for the first few seconds of impact, the juice quickly ate its way through his spine, decimating the pain inhibitors lining the nerve cluster. Then, with every organic piece he still had left…he felt it all. He felt his body flare up like a caldera of white-hot coals. He felt the pain burn, sear, needle, crawl, shock, and shake him in just about every other conceivable aspect.

The girl whose agonizing death he had undoubtedly prevented stood numbly in front of his rapidly disintegrating body, somehow completely free from even a drop of what he just received. A fact which, even despite what it was now putting him through, he was eternally thankful for. No human – especially one so young – should ever be brought to experience such an amalgam of sensations. Rather than focus on the world of pain now ruling over him, he instead elected to focus on the one he had just spared her from.

His mouth hung open to let out fragmented grunts of his broken voice as steam continued to roll off his shoulders and down his back. He stared down at the quivering, wide-eyed horror the girl wore on her face. At the bewilderment dancing unbridled in those big brown eyes.

And how those big brown eyes shivered knowingly right back up at him.

In a moment that was seemingly infinitesimal to everyone else in the room, time for those two stood still.

And between the dying cyborg and this nameless young face – no two strangers ever understood one another so completely.

The frozen moment shattered when Genos heard a taunting chuckle from behind him and felt the back of his head being grabbed by a grizzly clutch.

What transpired thereafter…was best left forgotten.


The Deep Sea King's near-fatal incursion with the city's evacuation shelter gave Genos a very thorough and much needed education on pain and the importance of preparation to avoid it. He only prayed that watching what the monster did to him from such a personal distance hadn't been too much of an eyeful for that young girl.

Swim could tell by the way his eyes darkened that he remembered the exact circumstances under which they met.

"Hey…" She called out in a soft voice, trying her best to sooth his troubled mind. "Please don't look like that… Believe it or not, I think being rescued by you actually helped her. Eh—I mean…" She rolled her eyes at the silliness of her own obvious statement. "Of course saving her life helped her, but she also appeared more…driven after that. She started studying harder. Exercising regularly. Asking us these questions that…she never would've even thought to ask before. It was almost like living with a completely different person. You changed her life. I-In a good way, of course!"

Genos gave her a moot stare. "I see."

"A-Anyways," The junior hero awkwardly digressed, "you don't need to put so much worry on yourself. I think there's a chance she's still safe out there."

"No…"

Swim's face rounded with total shock at the response. "N-No…?"

"There is not only a chance she is out there." Genos clarified, squeezing the poster he held back into a crumple. "She is out there. And I will ascertain that by being the one to bring her back myself." The glare in his expression had shifted from passive to resolute. "I will assist your sister for a second time."

Swim's eyes slowly lit up at his declaration of rescue. The natural blush on her cheeks returned with extra warmth as she couldn't help but broadly smile. "You mean that? Oh thank you so much—ah~?!"

Understandably, she was more than a little surprised as a cartoonish head popped up between hers and the cyborg's.

Saitama, having grown tired of feeling ignored, decided to upgrade his status to 'third-wheel' and cut in on their exchange. "What's this I hear about a sister?" He asked facing the girl. "She hot?"

While Swim only gave the strange bald man a nervous laugh, Genos slipped the paper back into his pocket. "Do not trouble yourself with it, Master. This matter will be resolved long before your assistance becomes necessary."

"Huh?" Having only walked in on the last five seconds of the discussion, Saitama naturally had no clue what his bionic friend was talking about. "Sure, that's cool, but all I asked was if she's hot though…"

Rather than answer that, Genos turned around to fully face him before straightening himself up and delivering a courteous bow. "Master! I formally request the right to restore my honor by going to obtain additional crabs."

Hearing the cyborg persist with that caused Saitama to perk up in panic again. "What?! Noooo." He held his arms up in a dissenting X-shaped cross. "Request denied."

"Then I informally ask if it's cool for me to go get more crabs."

"Denied again!"

"Then I informally protest by proceeding to turn the other way and sprint as fast as I possibly can."

"Genos, don't you even think about—!"

But he was talking to a smoky trail. The cyborg had already blazed his way clear down the tracks with friction rivaling the train they had just stopped.

Saitama stared at the literally flaming footprints left behind in wide-eyed disbelief. Falling dramatically on his knees, he threw back his head and screamed up to the heavens the same phrase he had used time and again whenever he decimated a potential rival with a single punch:

"DAMMIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!"

The volume scattered numerous birds from where they perched all around.

Swim stood by helplessly, covering her ears in response to the outburst with closed eyes and a weak, pained smile.

Almost immediately after the bellowing echo died out, another voice screeched faintly from over a high distance:

"Bwah! What the fu—?! That—ack…!" The voice seemed to be choking on something. "That goddamn fucking bird came out of nowhere! Fucking shit!"

As if the distressed cursing needed any distinction, the source plunged down from the sky at enraged speed, touching down in front of the two heroes with such force that it kicked up a ring of wind around her.

They immediately saw what the object of the choking was as an incredibly disturbed Tatsumaki spat up a few more feathers, having practically swallowed the bird that flew directly into her flight path while fleeing from Saitama's doom-spelling death wail.

"What the hell are you screaming like a bitch for?" She seethed at him furiously, sputtering a few more times for good measure to free her mouth from any extra dander. "Now I'm gonna be tasting that winged rat all week! Thanks a lot, asshole!"

Her sudden re-entry into his world gave the bald hero little time to prepare for the onslaught of profanity that he sensed had only begun flying his way at terminal velocity. Saitama recomposed himself sheepishly, rubbing the back of his head as he put forth small effort to staunch her outrage. "Ah…my bad, sis."

"Yeah, that's right," she punctuated heatedly, "your bad."

Her aggressive stab at him caused the hobbyist hero to sag with discouragement, already feeling the extra weight that his cybernetic wingman had dumped on him when he flew the coop.

While Saitama was rendered unsure of what to say next, Swim made a tentative attempt to voice her concern as to why the other sister appeared to be missing from her.

"Uh-umm…Miss Tatsumaki-sama…? Ma'am…?" Her shaking voice squeaked with all the confidence of a baby chipmunk.

The Tornado flashed her a cold glint of her emerald eyes. "Yeah? And you are?"

"Ah! Umm, I'm no one noteworthy, really…aheheh…" The more mild-mannered of the two ladies reckoned that the less this walking, talking, living, breathing natural disaster knew about her, the safer she would be in the long run. It didn't take S-class survival instincts to put that one together. "You see, I, uhh…I was just wondering…umm…"

Tatsumaki raised her eyebrows impatiently at the girl's stammers. "Yes? Umm? You were wondering? Umm?"

Swim shut her eyes in a sharp wince at having her own nervous habit so brusquely pointed out. She knew she'd be a fool to hope for more than this. This hero wasn't about to handle her with the same gloves that the others aboard the train did. Just by going off the hostility in her voice alone, it was abundantly clear that the Tornado of Terror would spare no harsh rhetoric; would make no attempts to paint herself in a prettier light to please others. Even compared to Fubuki, who had established herself as something of an authoritative figure, what stood before her now was an entity altogether new. Uncomfortably, unequivocally new.

Deciding not to drag this moment out any longer than necessary, Swim forced the lump down her throat with a painful swallow. "Is…Miss Fubuki okay?" She was meekly poking her pointer fingers together as the words left her.

Tatsumaki was silent for a moment, almost as if weighing and measuring the question in her mind. She was still quite bitter – no – she was pissed about how the last interaction had gone, and she wasn't exactly looking for a way to get reeled back into the drama. On one hand, the business between Tatsumaki and her sister was strictly nobody else's to speak of, but on the other hand, this girl looked like a nice enough guppy, and she probably didn't deserve half of the frustration that was churning in the esper's gut.

"I dunno." The greenhead shrugged. "Maybe later. But I wouldn't count on seeing her again…for a while."

"Oh…" The hopeful light in Swim's eyes noticeably dimmed. "Is that so…"

"Yeah that's so." Tatsumaki nodded while firmly crossing her arms. "So you might as well just go home, little Miss 'No One Noteworthy, Really.'"

Tatsumaki expected the younger girl to take her up on her words, hoping that she wouldn't have resort to anything more than a sternly-worded request to get the message across.

But just as the small esper turned back to Saitama and opened her mouth to address him, the girl's annoying voice chirped up again. "She isn't hurt, is she…?"

That raked away the last of her patience.

She snapped her head to scowl back at Swim and spoke in a raised voice, "Hey, do your ears not work, or are you just touched in the head?!" She heard the timid girl gasp at the sudden outburst, but ignored it. "I already told you to go home. The adults are talking now."

The C-Class heroine's face had drained of all its color. The jovial warmth in her veins had been replaced with icy cold. She stared up at the smaller creature hovering above her with renewed fear, taking the first hesitant step backwards without breaking away from facing her.

Tatsumaki continued staring her down menacingly, watching the girl slowly back away before tucking tail and fleeing like a small, wounded animal. Everything about that girl disgusted her. How pitifully she retreated. How sweet and innocent she looked, as if she had never committed a sin in her life. How she regarded Fubuki with such sappy sentiment, as if she cared more about her sister than her own blood did – even in light of what just happened.

But most of all, what disgusted her was how that girl looked at her the same way almost everyone in her life looked at her. As if she was about to turn into some giant oozing monster and eat her alive, bones and all. But Tatsumaki knew it was the price that came with the fear she commanded, and she knew just how right everyone was to be afraid of her. In the world she understood, fear was much more reliable than good will, and she doubted that would ever change. Against other people, it was the one absolute comfort that her powers afforded her, and she'd be damned to give it up.

She exhaled through her nose with lingering irk before turning again to face the bald jerk who had been occupying the lion's share of her thoughts as of late.

For a moment, the two just stood facing each other in the open clearing, both possessing an expression that neither hero could read off the other. The cape of Saitama's uniform and the flap of Tatsumaki's dress seemed to dance harmoniously together in the afternoon breeze. But where other matters were concerned, the tension between the two had anything but harmony.

"Well? Are you satisfied?" Saitama regarded her not with the same fear as the girl did, but with mild disapproval. "Now that you thoroughly scared everyone off?"

"So what if I am." She fired back, unabated.

"Hey, are you mad or something?"

"Usually am."

"Still at me?"

"Maybe."

Saitama breathed a heavy sigh through his mouth. If this was what he had to look forward to in a casual exchange with her, color him disinterested. He had better things to do than to word-spar with a leprechaun that woke up on the wrong side of the rainbow. Besides, he gave her all the time she needed to present her case, and it didn't seem too urgent.

"Yeah, well, uhh, anyways…" He gave her one more awkward glance before turning away from her. "See ya around."

"Wha—hey!" The sudden announcement of his departure caught her off guard. "Come back here! I didn't say you could leave!"

"That sucks, 'cuz I'm already doing it." He responded without looking back.

She dropped her jaw at how casually he just brushed her off. This bastard was really begging for some correctional education at the Tornadic School of Hard Knocks.

She shot up through the air and swooped down in front of him, blocking his way forward. From there, all she did was continue to size him up with a careless, detached stare.

Determined not to be slowed down, Saitama altered his course to walk around her, only to find that she adjusted her levitation accordingly in order to stonewall him again. He tried moving the other direction – same result.

His eyebrow twitched in annoyance. What was wrong with this brat?

As he pondered whether he should try just jumping over her, she spoke up.

"You wanna walk away from me that badly?" She challenged him. "Last time we danced like this, I let my guard down. But now you have my undivided attention. …Let me show you what that entails."

She extended an arm forward to him with outstretched fingers and emitted her signature green glow. Soon, she had him completely wrapped in her brilliant psionic light. She watched as he visibly stiffened in response to her incorporeal influence.

A devilish grin crept across her face. He was all hers now.

It was one thing for her to try and restrain him using flimsy objects in the environment such as the underground pipes from earlier. But now she had him in a purely intangible, uncrackable kinetic chokehold. And once she was fully committed to a target, neither man, beast, vegetable, vitamin, nor mineral could ever hope to break her vise-grip on them.

"Whoa…what's this?" Saitama stared down at himself. "I feel a little…heavy. Have I put on some weight? Maybe it's time for me to go back on that diet…"

"Ugh…!" Tatsumaki grunted in surprise when she felt a tug of resistance on the invisible tether binding him to her. 'Hungry for more, huh? That's okay, tough guy. I have plenty of reserves…' Determined not to let her prey gain the upper hand a second time, she redoubled her focus and held out her other arm to assist her efforts in subduing him.

The radioactive glow around Saitama expanded, and he noticed the area around him vibrate, as if he was enervating the very planet itself just by standing on it.

Feeling a bit discouraged that he really might be letting himself go, the bald hero dragged a small step forward, causing huge cracks to form in the concrete when he put his foot back down.

'How…' Tatsumaki was starting to break into sweat, gritting her teeth viciously as she fought for control. 'How is this even possible?! I'm suspending him with more gravitational force than a small black hole! He shouldn't even be standing…!' Her face fell into awe as she watched him take another step towards her, slow but certain. His heels were trailing tremendous chasms in the cemented ground from where she continued to apply the artificial weight.

"Hah… Hah…! Haahh!" She couldn't hope to hide her fatigue, mouth gaping open as she gasped for breath. A large vein popped up on her forehead to signify that her brain was firing on all cylinders.

At this point, Saitama was knee deep into the solid ground as if it were snow. The rumbling in his surroundings violently peaked. "Ah. What's going on?" He wondered aloud as he watched himself continue to sink up to his waist. "An earthquake?"

'Th-This is bullshit!' Tatsumaki managed to hold on, but only just. Both of her eyes were shut tight from the exertion, and her brow was contorted with muscle.

Suddenly her eyes shot back open, watching with wide shock as the Caped Baldy, up to his neck in the ground, crawled out of the fissure she had all but buried him in like a terraformed trash compactor.

"W-Wait." She kept her arms held out at him in vain, staring helplessly as he shrugged off most of her control, seemingly without even realizing what was going on. He continued to advance on her with a gradual but ever persistent shuffle. By the method he appeared to ascend out of the pit like climbing a stairway, Tatsumaki could tell just how much of her interference was waning with every step he took. "Wait, wait, wait…!" She was practically pleading with him now that he was within a few feet from where she was floating.

Eventually, her two outstretched hands were firmly pressed up against the bulk of his chest, and he was passively pushing her back as he continued walking. By this time, it became apparent to her that he was completely oblivious to where she was.

"H-Hey…! Stop! Stop, dammit! Stop!" She yelled feverishly as she continued to stiff-arm him from the front.

"Eh?" He blinked on cue of the last emphasized 'stop' and stared down at the girl who was still holding on to his chest. "You're still here?"

"Don't give me that! Of fucking course I'm still here!" She spat up at him, outraged that he seemed to have forgotten all about her. "How could you just ignore me like that?! Baka! Baldy! Cue ball! Lightbulb! Kneecap! Die!"

"Jeez, I get it, I get it, you're pissed off…" He spoke over her, rubbing his head almost self-consciously as she continued to insult it.

"More importantly, how the hell did you do that?!" She huffed impatiently.

"Huh?" He regarded her with a clueless blink. "Do? Do what?"

"That, you moron! I'm talking about That!" She honestly didn't know if he was being a smartass or just a dumbass. But her brief history with him seemed to suggest that the latter was more plausible, so she elaborated. "How did you resist my psychokinesis?"

"Was that what happened?" The discovery seemed to cheer Saitama up, because he broke into a stupid smile. He almost seemed to tear up even. "Thank God! I'm not getting fat…!"

"What?" She was completely blindsided by this concern. "Are you stupid? Just answer my question, dipshit!"

"Easy." He talked her down. "I don't know anything about how your voodoo works."

"It's not voodoo; I just told you it's psychokinesis."

"Yeah…pretty sure that's just the sciency way of saying voodoo."

"You're so ignorant!"

"Thanks. Can I go now?"

Tatsumaki bit down on her thumbnail in aggravation. "So you're telling me…you really don't know how you did it?"

Saitama shrugged. "What if I do? What if I don't? Which of these answers would really satisfy you if the result won't change either way?"

"Ever heard of 'deductive reasoning'?" She jibed. "Sometimes you can't solve a problem unless you know what the problem is first."

"Well as much as I'd love to tell you how to 'solve' me, I'm afraid I've yet to figure that out for myself. Now can you please let me leave? I've got a place to be."

Tatsumaki couldn't believe this. Her first brush with a being capable of repelling her near-limitless capabilities, and it turns out that he's too unlettered to coherently explain himself for it. If someone out there was indeed a match for her, she had at least hoped that he would appear more…impressive. What a major letdown.

"…Where are you so eager to get to anyway?" She asked him, trying not to sound curious.

"I'm headed to Old Man Bang's for a potluck supper."

Tatsumaki raised her eyebrow. "Old Man Bang?..." She slowly hung her jaw open as she connected the dots. "You mean Silver Fang?"

"I guess? I just call him Bang though…"

"You're telling me that you. Are actually friends. With Silver Fang?!" This baldy was just throwing one surprise after another at her. Sure the martial arts master was friendly enough, but even so, she couldn't imagine a bigshot like him wanting anything to do with such a plain-looking joe. "How the hell did that happen?" She protested. "That almost seems…unnatural."

"Why's it such a big deal who I hang out with?" Saitama asked, annoyed by her insinuation. "I'm people, you're people, he's people; we're all just people here."

"Hmph!" She scoffed. "Well it's not like I care what he does in his free time. He probably just lets you hang out with him out of pity."

"Sure…" He grumbled. "…let's go with that."

Despite the jab, he deemed it unnecessary to tell her about how the old man had been all but obsessed with the idea of recruiting Saitama as a student in his dojo. Well, looking at what he already had to work with, he could understand how the desperation was warranted. Saitama declined the offer, but apparently one no hadn't been enough for that guy. The mustached martial artist has been looking for ways to lure him in ever since; the latest attempt being the promise of a nice dinner while he introduced his new partners.

Saitama decided to switch subjects.

"So made any breakthroughs on what we brushed up about yesterday? Or are you coming by my apartment to give your answer tomorrow?"

The esper gave him a shake of her head. "I haven't decided."

"That so?" He replied solemnly as he started walking past her again. "Well I know it's a big choice, so take the evening to think on it some more."

"You misunderstand me." She called back to him over her shoulder, causing him to stop. "I haven't decided, and I won't." She turned to fully confront him. "Not until I interrogate you properly."

"You mean not until we talk?" He translated, causing her to grimace at the twisting of her words into something more intimate. "Is that why you came looking for me?"

"L-Looking for you?!" For the briefest moment, she gave him an astonished look before snapping it away from him. "D-D-Don't be so silly! I just happened to see you while I was flying by and decided to get this hassle over with! Why would I actually…lo-loo…do that for you?"

He scratched his cheek indifferently. "I guess it would be to talk, like you were saying."

"No!" She blurted frantically. "I-I said I would interrogate you!"

"Isn't interrogating just talking, except louder?"

Tatsumaki bit her tongue, caught off guard by the hole in her defense, which seemed to grow harder and harder to patch up. "S-So?!" She was doing her best to avoid his eyes. "I mean sure, I guess that's one way to interpret it! You got a problem with that?"

Saitama raised his eyebrows in small wonder. This impish girl, who up until now had him convinced that she hated even the mere shape of his head, was now expressing (sort of) that she wants more to do with him? Sure he had stopped by to visit her, and yeah he even left her a small gift. But from how hellbent she seemed about staying her course and remaining solo, he never actually thought that his gestures would be so moving.

'Ohoho~' He put a pretentious finger under his chin as he assessed the situation with amusement. 'It was the picture, wasn't it.' Still hiding his face away from the esper, he let loose a bombastic grin in self-plaudit of his creative skills. 'It had to have been that awesome picture. Maybe if I retire from hero work, I can open a day job as a freelance artist.' He gave a few pompous chuckles from under his breath where she couldn't hear them before turning around to answer her.

"Well if talking it out will help you, then I guess we can. But not here."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm hungry." He told her. "And it's hard to hold my attention while I'm thinking about food."

Tatsumaki rolled her eyes. It's not like she expected him to make this easy anyway. "Ugh…fine, whatever. I guess we can discuss it on the way. But under no circumstances am I going into that dojo with you, you hear?!"

"Loud and clear, as usual…" he muttered. "But let's get another thing straight – I don't wanna spend half an hour with a girl hovering over me calling me mean names. If you wanna come along, I want you to do your best to be civilized." He paused to let his point sink in. "…We can be civilized adults about this, can't we?"

"Well I know I can!" She retorted.

The uncivilized tone in her voice gave Saitama every confidence.


"Chrome dome."

"Beansprout fairy."

"Sun-bleached avocado."

"Frizzy green elf."

"Derpy Easter egg."

The two titans took turns trading verbal blows, having cast aside their pretense of civility for more than fifteen minutes since they started traveling together.

While Tatsumaki was being honest that she needed to continue basically where they left off yesterday, it hadn't dawned on her until the last possible second that she had utterly no idea on how to start. Sad as it seemed, the record-holder for longest human interaction had probably been a tie between an event with Fubuki, and the five minutes she had allowed for the Caped Baldy to present his case the day before. Tatsumaki's run-ins with other people had given her a sharp tongue – just maybe not the silver one she needed for more diplomatic approaches.

As such, they spent the first five-to-ten minutes in total silence with her floating along next to Saitama as he walked.

To say things were off to an awkward start wouldn't even scratch the surface of it.

When Saitama was looking away, Tatsumaki would sneak a glance at him. And when Saitama turned to look back, she snapped her head away. For a moment or two, she even thought she caught glimpse of him doing the same thing with her, but if he was, his reflexes were at least on par, because she still wasn't certain if it was true.

Eventually Saitama had been first to speak up, evidently noticing how uncomfortable the smaller esper looked.

He asked her what was on her mind.

She told him nothing was.

So then he asked if she meant that she was thinking about nothing important, or just nothing at all.

That led to her insulting his intelligence.

Which led to him insulting her height.

Which led to her telling him to go have sex with himself. Repeatedly. With a blowtorch.

Thus, the fruits born of their exchange were as followed.

"Evil garden gnome."

"Hairless ape."

While they had at first succeeded in agitating one another with the petty name-calling, somewhere along the way the insults had sparked into something of a game. Now it felt more like they weren't so much doing it for the sake of angering each other as they were to see who could keep it up the longest.

"Devil munchkin."

"Pecker head."

"Drowned cat."

"Stupid octopus…"

The long string of offenses came screeching to a halt as they both processed their latest round of insults.

Outraged, the two snapped their heads to shout into each other's face.

"Hey! Just how am I an octopus?!" Saitama yelled indignantly.

"How the hell am I a cat?" Tatsumaki fired back through her teeth.

"Because I don't like cats, small fry!"

"Well what makes you think they feel differently about you, you tight-skinned scrote?!"

"I…! Ffff…" He was down, but not out. "…You're short!"

"You're bald!"

The two took a moment to jam their fists into their hips, glaring daggers into one another with Saitama leaning forward over Tatsumaki to capitalize on the height difference. Then, as if rehearsed, they simultaneously snapped their heads away with a perfectly synchronized

"HMPH!"

Brushing off the fresh embers of their smoldering quarrel, they picked up the pace and started moving again.

"Bitch, how much longer?" Tatsumaki asked passively.

"Longer and longer the more you complain, pipsqueak." Saitama replied in an equally neutral tone.

"You're slow as hell, fruit bowl."

"So fly off without me, twerp."

"Hmph! Maybe I will!"

"Cool. Do it."

"Fine."

"Great."

"Here I go."

"…"

"…"

"…You have no idea where Bang lives, do you."

"…Shut up."


After what felt like an eternity traveling together through a purgatorial hell of strange side-glances and stabbing remarks, the two finally made it to the foot of the slope that the dojo sat on.

Tatsumaki didn't know what location she expected, but it sure as hell wasn't the summit of a freaking mountain range.

High, high up against the stony cascade, the distinguished shape of the small fighting school watched over the rest of City Z like an eagle's nest. Preceding the dojo was an endlessly long stairway that seemed to be crudely carved out of the face of the cliffside. Nonetheless, appealing to the steps sure beat the shit out of rock-climbing, even though a long life of use had dilapidated the path.

Obviously the climb was of little concern to Tatsumaki, who could easily just fly straight to the front entrance and leave this agitating egghead in the dust. It had been neither the first nor last time that the thought to do so would cross her mind. But even though she had no plan to actually go inside, she realized how awkward it would be to show up at someone else's pad by herself unannounced, so she begrudgingly elected to stay back with him.

After a long tedious journey up the rigid rock ridge, the two heroes reached the front entrance arch of the solitary structure. It stood strong at two stories high, with each level tucked beneath the fly eaves of traditional eastern roofing. Being that they were standing on stone terrain, there wasn't much in the way of a front lawn – although to both sides of the main walkway, a moat of rock and gravel had been carefully paved into a quaint little zen garden.

The unlikely pairing ascended the last few steps leading to the smoothly sanded patio of the first floor. Facing a large double door, the two gave a final exchange of glances before Saitama reached over and gave the wood a rhythmic series of knocks.

-Thump thump-thump-thump thump…thump—

Right as he initiated the final pound, the heavy door swung inward, and a mound of orange hair stuck out the entry to meet them.

The familiar face of Bang's number one (and only) disciple gave the bald hero a look that was one notch above weary and one below dirty.

"Oh." Saitama blinked at who it was. "What's up, Churro."

The student furrowed his eyebrows. "It's Charanko…"

"Yep, it sure is." He replied absently.

"You're late." Charanko scolded him dryly.

Saitama gave him a shrug. "Got sidetracked."

"In this dojo, one of our philosophies is that there are not enough crutches in the world for all of its lame excuses." The apprentice snapped. "Are you planning on making a hobby out of keeping my sensei waiting?"

"Is the old man around?" Saitama asked, ignoring the lecture to try peering over Charanko's shoulder.

"Perhaps…" He vaguely responded.

Saitama raised his eyebrows. "Does that mean you don't know?"

"It means that perhaps Bang-sensei went to do something more productive than wait for slacking guests to arrive."

"Hey, how about you consider that your 'sensei' has his damn house sitting like a shit-zillion miles away from the city." Tatsumaki spoke up.

The martial arts pupil tilted his head to look down at her with a deepening scowl. After a moment, he turned back to ask Saitama, "What's with the sassy kid? She lost or something?"

Saitama only had enough time to respond with a sympathetic look before his shorter acquaintance erupted.

"What the hell did you call me?!" She snarled with hostility, almost sending Charanko stumbling back into the building from shock that she was capable of such harsh language. "You better get Silver Fang out here right fucking now, or you're the one who's gonna need crutches. How's that for a philosophy?"

The dojo disciple passed Saitama a bewildered look, as if expecting the bald hero to do something about his companion's outburst.

"Take it from a guy who's seen things; fighting with her isn't worth the headache." Saitama cautioned with a thousand-yard stare. "You're better off just tagging in the old man."

Against his better judgement, Charanko was not so eager to take his advice. "I-I think I can assess the situation myself, thank you!" With a quick turn, he regarded the esper again with a pointed finger, causing her to twitch murderously with green energy as he spoke. "Now look here, you little brat…!"

A split second before Tatsumaki sought to 'assess' the bastard's arms right out of their socket joints, a stern voice echoed out from behind him.

"That's quite enough, Charanko!"

The boy jerked up and spun around, unaware that the master of the dojo was right behind him.

He hurried aside to make way for Bang, who came shuffling out past him to greet his guests. When he had fully taken Charanko's place in front of them, he gave a dignified bow, hunched over in the wizened posture he commonly was.

"Forgive my student. I merely had him watch the door while I prepared the tatami mats and tables for the meal. I hadn't expected him to use such uncouth manners."

While Saitama meant to brush off the offense, his fellow traveler had other ideas in mind.

"You're goddamn right about that! That straw-headed shitbag was extremely uncouth!"

Saitama slipped her a suspicious side glance. 'Are you really one to talk with that mudslinging mouth of yours…?'

Noticing her for the first time, the wrinkles in the elder's face stretched as his expression grew wide-eyed. "Oooooh. So you've come too, Tornado of Terror. I heard when you were announced as Saitama's partner during the pairings, but…well…don't take this the wrong way, but I never dreamed you would ever actually darken the doorstep of my dojo…"

"Yeah, well…that makes two of us." She justified. "Come to think, I don't even know what I'm doing here now."

"Nonsense!" He proudly protested. "This marks a momentous occasion! I am so thrilled that Saitama managed to convince you of all people to come to our event!"

She dropped her jaw. "C-Convince me?!" The thought was so damning that it almost made her dizzy. "N-Now wait just a second here…!"

"And where is Genos?" Bang asked Saitama, leaving the esper to grasp for straws. "I had it on decent authority that he was in charge of bringing the payload."

"Hey! I wasn't done talking!" Tatsumaki could only shout as Saitama spoke over her to answer the question.

"Ah, apparently there was a small spillage on the way over, so Genos ran back to town to get more food. Something about 'restoring his honor' or whatever…"

"Are you two even hearing me?!" An angry voice continued to pipe next to them.

"He should be up here later in the evening." Saitama finished.

"I see…" Bang put a thoughtful finger to his chin. "I suppose even if he doesn't make it, we still have enough refreshments to keep everyone coming happy."

"HELLOOOOOOO!"

The two men winced at the impact of her abrupt shout. "Ugh…well almost everyone…" Saitama muttered with rolled eyes.

"What is it, Tatsumaki?" Bang asked, hoping that appealing to her calmly would quiet her rage.

"What is it?! I'm trying to talk to you and you guys keep ignoring me! Am I invisible? Huh?!"

"You're not inaudible, that's for sure. Pipe down already…" Saitama almost moaned out his command to her. "Look, you had the whole trip up here to talk to me, and all we did was fight. Don't you ever get tired of fighting?"

"Don't act so innocent! You fired at me plenty of times too, baldy!"

"Yep." Saitama replied while proceeding to slip off his shoes. "Your sparkling personality just brings that right out in people, doesn't it…"

Seeing that the ending to this dispute wasn't fast approaching without his help, Bang cut in to try and steer the discussion in a different direction. "Ahem…anyways. One of my junior partners is already here, but we're still waiting on the other. I surmise she'll catch up shortly, because from what I hear, she's quite the live wire."

"Neato. Is it safe to head inside?" Saitama asked him, straightening the boots he shed against the side of the wall.

The elder motioned towards the interior. "By all means. We just got everything fixed up. Mind the slip though; I had the floors newly waxed."

Tatsumaki's face turned to panic as she watched Saitama prepare to step through the doorway. "W-Wait a minute…" She reached out weakly towards him. After all the time she wasted climbing up here with that idiot, it would be nothing short of deplorable if nothing got accomplished out of it.

Saitama stopped halfway through and stared back at her blankly. "Hm?"

"Eh…I…"

Still, knowing she had unfinished business with him did nothing to help her understand where to start back up. Even she had to admit that her verbal skirmishes with him had been nothing but a bunch of airy beats around the bush. She hated that about herself, but her only other defense in the situation was to run away, and her pride wouldn't allow that a second time.

"Well, I just…" The words refused to coalesce in her brain. Even if they would, hesitance already had her tongue tied down. "…that is…I was hoping to…"

"Talk?" He asked.

"Tch! Don't go finishing other people's sentences like that! It's creepy!" She chastised.

He gave her an unimpressed look. "Well excuse me for being creepy. Look, I'm starving, so I'm going inside."

"Well…! Fine! B-But I meant what I said! Don't expect me to go in chasing after you!"

"Wouldn't dream of it." He replied flippantly. "Have fun out here."

"U-Ugh…" The two men watched her helplessly stiffen up and stare uncomfortably at the open door as if anticipating it to try and eat her.

"For heaven's sake, Tatsumaki…" Bang chimed in, "It's my ancestral stomping ground, not the gate to Hades. Just come on inside and have some food. You've come all this way, and you're skinny as a rail."

"I'm not your granddaughter, Silver Fang. I just…I don't do parties, that's all…" She resisted the invitation, putting up a front to keep from appearing too nervous. The sad truth was that she couldn't even recall the last time she had entered another person's private residence. It may have been never. She revered hearth and home as a sanctuary, and with that value in mind, entering another person's home made her feel…at a disadvantage.

The older man sighed. If this was how sociable she was at the prime of her life, he couldn't wait to see how she'd turn out by the time she was his age. Of course, on the rather slim chance he wasn't dead by then…

"C'mon, what're you afraid of?" Saitama asked her, vouching to stick around and lean up against the doorframe with his arms crossed.

"Afraid? I'm not afraid of anything!" Tatsumaki resented.

"Then there shouldn't be a problem."

Tatsumaki straightened her face with conviction. "I said no and I meant no."

Saitama gave her a frown, and even for as limited as his expressions seemed to be, this one had clear disappointment written all over it. Despite herself, she found that seeing him look that way towards her made her feel a hint of shame. As if she was the one who had to prove herself and not him; the exact reversal of why she approached him in the first place.

Suddenly, a new and much younger voice came from inside the dojo to fill the awkward silence on the front porch.

"Silver Fang-sama sir~!" The voice of a girl called out to him. "I finished setting up the dishes! What do you need me to do next?"

A gentle smile cropped up from beneath his white mustache as Bang turned towards the door to address where the voice came from. "Yes, very good. Could you come this way? I have some special folks out here for you to introduce yourself to."

The echo of small footsteps pattered across the hardwood floor, drawing closer and closer to their waiting location. Eventually the young creature had reached the door, the light revealing her features as she stepped out into the afternoon sun.

Tatsumaki's eyes widened with startle for a second before narrowing at what she wore. It was a black business suit with a matching tie and white undershirt – Blizzard Group standard issue.

The girl looked to barely be in her teens. Her fair-skinned face was every bit as young as her boss's older sister's. She peered curiously around at the two newcomers with innocent blue eyes – one of which was hidden behind her neatly swept hair. She wore it black with a single sky-blue highlight that ran clear from the front of her bangs all the way back and down her long ponytail. A distinguished white flower crowned the top of her head as the obvious crux that held her whole hairstyle together.

Upon spotting the esper floating in front of her, she regarded Tatsumaki with small surprise. "Ah…! Aren't you…Boss Fubuki's…"

The green-haired girl's face went sour at the prospect of being approached by yet another of her sister's underlings. It was becoming evident that fate had a twisted sense of humor.

"I've seen your face in the newspaper." The younger girl told her, eying her with deadly suspicion. "You're quite famous, aren't you."

"Let me just speed this up and tell you that anything you heard or read about me is probably true." Tatsumaki told her, clearly disinterested in stretching this introduction longer than it needed to go.

"Not all of it…" The girl corrected her, taking a step forward without breaking the lock on their glaring eyes.

Tatsumaki held her space, silently daring this girl to try and attack. Enough time had gone by since their scrape that Fubuki might have already issued a warning to her little club to be on the lookout for meanie-headed sisters. Fuck cellphones.

"Care to elaborate on that?" Tatsumaki asked with a hint of spice.

"Yes." The girl answered, undeterred. She stopped her advance directly in front of her, looking slightly up as Tatsumaki's levitation caused the esper to appear taller – just the way she preferred to. "I've got your face memorized." The well-dressed girl informed her with a stoic, lifeless expression. She may have been young, but something about her made her seem plenty tough, and that sentiment was coming from Tatsumaki – an authority on the matter.

"Yeah?" The esper regarded her coldly. "And?"

"And standing face-to-face with you now – even though I've already seen you in the papers…"

Almost faster than Tatsumaki could predict, the girl dashed up at her and grabbed her by the hand.

"The pictures don't do your face justice!" The girl's eyes literally sparkled with captivation as she cradled Tatsumaki's petite hand between the two of hers ever so reverently. "You're so pretty, Tatsumaki-sama! You're definitely worthy of being Boss Fubuki's big sis!"

"Eh…?" The object of her affection had utterly no clue what to say to her. There were two parts to her confusion:

The first was that she couldn't tell for sure if she was serious or messing with her. Was she prompted to blush, or tell this girl to go fuck herself?

The second was that whether it was earnest or not, no one in her life had ever called Tatsumaki pretty – certainly not another female. This was shaping up to be one hell of a weird day.

"Umm…thanks?" The esper muttered, pulling her hand from the stranger's affectionate grasp.

"Please! Think nothing of it, it's true! Oh!" The girl covered her mouth with her hands, suddenly remembering something important. "I'm sorry, I must've left my manners with my other pants!" She joked playfully. "Fang-sama sent me out here to introduce myself, and here I am, fangirling all over the place, ahaha~!"

"Please, you can just call me Bang, like I mentioned before." The man standing behind her insisted politely.

"And I'm Lily!" The flower-haired girl tugged a thumb up towards herself, giving the two other heroes a charming smile. "I don't know how familiar you are with your sister's group, Tatsumaki-sama, but I'm one of its members. Sooo…" She dragged off for a second, as if trying to figure something out, "I guess you can sorta kinda say that I'm like…your niece!"

Tatsumaki's jaw dropped. "My fucking what?!"

"Oh but I absolutely idolize your sister! She's like another mom to me! Oh, haha, please don't tell her I said that – soooo embarrassing~"

"Oho-kay, well this conversation's over~" The esper replied awkwardly, feeling no inkling of desire to pick up any new family members – and especially no desire to talk about her sister right now.

Lily turned around to regard the other guest. "Hi!" She smiled up at Saitama.

"Hi." He returned his own simple version of the smile. "Actually, you're pretty cute yourself. How old are you, kid?"

Bang slipped behind him and delivered a tepid karate chop right on top of the bald hero's dome. "Saitama, that's a rude thing to ask a lady."

"Aw."

Lily giggled. "It's okay. I get that question a lot, and I understand why. Next to Child Emperor, I'm probably the youngest hero on the entire roster!" She shut one of her eyes in a wink and flashed him a two-fingered peace sign. "Fourteen strong!"

Saitama almost spat up in reaction. "F-Fourteen?!"

"Ha ha." Tatsumaki snickered with amusement while pointing an accusing finger at him. "Pedophile."

"Seriously?! For asking a question?!" The bald hero snapped back at her.

"For calling her cute."

"So? I've called bunny rabbits cute too!"

"With that creepy smile? Psh. Whatever, lolicon…"

"Said the loli."

"You wanna take this outside?!"

"We are outside!"

"Jerk-off!"

"Short stack!"

Bang closed his eyes tiredly. "Now, now, let's all settle down. We're here to make new friends, not new enemies…" He ambled up to Tatsumaki to get a better look at her. "Are you sure you won't be joining us?"

"What?" Lily chirped up. "Of course she's joining us! She has to! You have to join us for dinner, Auntie-sama!"

"Auntie-sama?" Tornado showed her namesake when her face literally twisted into a look of repulsion, wondering what god or demon she angered to deserve such insult to her age.

"Yeah…" Saitama must have caught her reaction, because he piled on with a mischievous glint in his eye that the esper did not like one bit. "Don't be a wet blanket. Come along, Auntie."

A huge vein cropped up on her cheek to accommodate the madness in her twitching eye. 'This motherfucker…'

Saitama folded his hand into a fist and waved it up and down like a metronome to accompany his chant: "Do-it and you're-cool. Do-it and you're-cool. Do-it and you're-cool…"

Tatsumaki shut her eyes trying to suppress the urge to succeed where the bomb on that train had failed:

Explode and take half of Z-City with her.

'Don't join in, don't join in, don't join in; I swear on my mother's grave if either of you assholes join his stupid chant—'

"Ahaha~ Do-it and you're-cool!" Lily's smile was bright and innocent, participating as Saitama picked up on the tempo to goad the esper further. "Do-it and you're-cool!"

Tatsumaki gave the two cheering brats a soulless, glassy-eyed stare before turning it to look over at the cliff's ledge. 'I wonder if a drop from this height would kill me…'

Bang carefully observed the spectacle from the side. Apart from apparently getting Tatsumaki to contemplate suicide, it seemed that their childish antic might actually have a chance to pay off.

'Eh…what the heck.' He shrugged submissively. 'If you can't beat 'em? Join the ones who can.'

"Do-it and you're-cool! Do-it and you're-cool!"

Tatsumaki dropped her jaw at the wild sight that not just one – nor two – but three diseased cunts now unified against her in this humiliating display.

In a rare show of vulnerability, Tatsumaki covered her face with both hands to staunch the blush that threatened to spread. She fortified herself against the command that came at her in ceaseless waves. After ten or fifteen more repetitions, the last of the green goddess's defenses finally dissolved.

"Fucking peer pressure—FINE. FINE YOU SHITHEADS." She raised her voice dryly to ensure that they all heard her over the noise they were already making. "I'LL JOIN YOUR STUPID DINNER. NOW CALM THE FUCK DOWN."

They did.

"Yaaaay us~" Lily celebrated with a small series of tiny claps. "We caught Auntie!"

"Jeez…" Tatsumaki muttered with a facepalm, embarrassed to even be associated with these jokers. When she took her hand off her forehead, she turned to address Bang. "I expected that shit from kids, Silver Fang. But just how old are you?"

The elder shrugged at her, hiding a grin beneath his mustache. "As young as I feel?"

"Har har." Her eyebrows lowered into an unamused visage.

She floated silently past the heroes, stopping only for a moment when she reached Saitama.

"A palpable hit, douchebag," she commended bitterly with her face leaned in a few inches from his, "but this game might not end as fast as you want it to. So wipe that shit-eating grin off your face."

He continued to watch her drift by, and when he saw that she was about to pass the door, she was surprised to hear him protest.

"Eh-HEM." He cleared his throat, causing her to arch her back as she halted her advance.

"Ugh, what?!" She called back in annoyance. "I'm invited in, aren't I?"

She watched him shake his bald head and point down at his shoe-relieved feet.

When she realized where he was going with the gesture, her shoulders dropped into a slump. "Oh, you've gotta be kidding me. You're stopping me for that?"

"Of course I'm stopping you for that." Saitama replied. "Whose barn were you born in?"

"Saitama…" Bang stepped in and put a reassuring hand on his shoulder. "It's really alright. No need to—"

"No, no…" Saitama replied without taking his eyes off of the psychic in front of him. "Manners are made for everyone – even wizards."

"I'm an esper!"

"Well I'm sure manners are made for…whatever those are too."

"Come on, I'll just be levitating the whole time, so why should I have to remove my damn shoes for it?"

"Because you're a dignified S-Class hero, here to set an example for the younger generation?" He announced in a disgustingly heroic voice, gesturing to Lily for reference.

"I'm a hero to fight crime, not help run an etiquette school." Tatsumaki clarified.

"What's wrong?" He grinned. "Foot fungus?"

She growled at him. This guy was really pushing it. But for how far they're sending her already, she supposed it didn't matter nearly as much if she did this too. Besides, she could just tell herself that this was more for Bang than for…him.

"Hmph!" She roughly kicked off her black shoes, letting them float harmlessly around her. "There. No shoes. Ya happy?"

He smiled softly. "After you, madame."

"Tch. Don't patronize me…" She turned up her nose at him with a sneer before continuing to glide towards the entrance.

Watching her go, Saitama leaned closer to Lily with a devilish grin, and cuffing a secretive hand next to his face to keep Tatsumaki from overhearing, he whispered to the other girl,

"Something smells~"

=THWACK=

Out of nowhere, one of the esper's shoes pelted his head with the same force as a high-caliber bullet. "Oof!"

He looked over to see Tatsumaki facing him, poised and ready to launch the other shoe.

Shooting him one last death glare, she curtly flipped him off and disappeared into the dojo.

"Fricken crazy little fascist…" He muttered under his breath.

"We better join her in there…" Bang spoke up from behind them, "…before my star pupil does or says something to her that gets him killed."

"Unless he's armed with silver bullets and holy water…she'll probably do it anyway." Saitama concluded, rubbing his head.

The small group of three proceeded to move up towards the building with Saitama and Lily in front and Bang taking up the rear.

"Soooo what's your name again?" Lily asked.

"Saitama." He answered.

"What's that literally translate to?" She inquired with curiosity.

"I…I really have no clue…"

As they passed through the double doors, Bang surveyed the outside area one last time before pulling them shut behind him.


"Aight, buddy, listen up, 'cuz I'm only gonna go over this once." Metal Bat pointed his signature weapon all around him. "This's my neighborhood. Kinda dingy, I know, but it's home, so you'll hafta suck it up."

He marched with a flippant gait down the street of the urban hub with his bulky animal-like partner in tow. Pandaman was silently taking everything in through two glowing dots encircled in black. At his broad size, he moved in a manner that could only be described as a waddle, and had a bindle slung over his shoulder which he gripped with a seemingly fingerless paw.

"Over that way's Dandī Drive, where my sis and I usually go down to the bodegas for all our chow. I'm usually the one that cooks, but she's learnin' how to do it too…"

"RUH-rAWr ROAH?" It was amazing how much like the real animal the growls sounded. But it also freaked Metal Bat out a little.

"Okay, dude – we ain't gonna have much long conversations if ya keep talkin' like that…"

"RAWWW…"

"Are ya screwin' with me? Ya do speak Japanese, right? Or…are ya just screwin' with me?"

"UuuRF." It came out as a snort.

"Ugh, ya weird bastard…"

Metal Bat sighed and did a doubletake between the two opposite sides of the street before deciding to cross. Sure it was a rundown shithole of a neighborhood – but like he just mentioned, it was his rundown shithole. With the money he made as an S-Class, he understood that he could easily move someplace nicer, but he was saving bank to get his sister enrolled in university. It may yet be a few good years down the road, but he would settle for nothing less than the best ivy-league school in the Alphabet – and you'd best believe they wouldn't exactly take peanuts for price of admission.

"Down that street…" The jock hero directed the panda creature with his metal stick, "is Shinrin Avenue. But I just call it 'Roadkill Road,' because I seen pretty much one of every kinda dead animal on it."

"RuuuUUHH?"

The athletic man shrugged his shoulders, guessing at where his partner's concerns lay. "Nah, I don't think I ever seen a dead panda there before. Let's try to keep it that way, hey buddy?" The two continued along a square of demolished pavement and rounded a corner. "Back over there is Akutō Alley. Lotta' bad shit happens there, so unless you're either fixin' to buy some hard drugs or get your anus stretched wider than the Grand Canyon, I suggest ya steer clear."

The tour continued on for a good ten minutes or so, with Metal Bat teaching Pandaman which places had the best grocery prices, which places he would probably get shot and turned into taxidermy, and which places with names like 'Buns & Pussies Galore' were in fact not establishments that sell cute rabbits and kittens.

"And finally…" Metal Bat proudly announced, turning one last corner, "this's the block where I have my home-sweet—ah shit they're back…" His shoulders sagged with dread as he spotted a trio of hoodlums hanging out just on the stretch of sidewalk that separated the heroes from Bat's front porch. "You wait here." He commanded the black and white bear. "Lemme go take care a' this real quick…"

With one hand dug deep into his baggy pocket and the other resting the baseball bat over his shoulder, the pro hero shuffled his way up to the rough-looking bunch leaning against the brick walls and mailbox.

The biggest of the thugs – easily a head taller than Metal Bat – was the first to notice his approach. He wore his hair in a vividly purple mohawk and had a few more facial piercings than you'd hope he would. "Well look who we got here, boys." He grinned with viper-like teeth. "Lil' Miss Batsy's comin' home – from some serious super hero stuff, I bet."

"Hey, you beat up any bad guys today, champ?" One of his friends followed up, looking more weaselly than intimidating like the others.

Metal Bat regarded them with cold eyes – as if staring right through them.

"Ey, look over there, Diesel…" The third thug pointed towards Pandaman, who was standing behind a lamppost…apparently making a rather unsuccessful attempt to hide. "Looks like he brought a new pet for that cute little sister of his…"

Metal Bat grinded his teeth sharply behind a closed mouth at the mention of his sister by one of these lowlives.

"Pah-ha, you dumbass!" The ruffian they called Diesel spat profanely. "That's obviously his new squeeze! I mean wow, Bats. I took you for a faggot…but not a fur faggot!"

"Guess we shoulda' seen it comin'." Another of his friends chuckled. "He puts so much gel into that hornet's nest of hair, his standards for finding love obviously hit rock-bottom!"

"Oi, Pompadour! I'll give ya five bucks if ya let me pet your girlfriend! That's more than I'm sure you're paying that animal to fuck you, am I right?"

"Gahaha nice one, Grease!"

Metal Bat's eyebrow twitched impatiently while he waited for these hyenas to finish their daffy guffaws. Obviously the run-down neighborhood flavor wasn't complete without its share of pleasant characters. Metal Bat had known these guys for years now. He cleaned their clocks on an average of pretty much every other week, but as one would guess, you couldn't cure true stupidity – no matter how many times you took a traumatic blunt instrument to it. Having no education to speak of, this trio of trouble looked to Metal Bat as their primary life educator…

And now they were here for their free lesson.

"Mmmmmm…"

Lifting the baseball bat up from his shoulder, he pointed it at each of them while casually calling out positions.

"First base…" He moved the pointed bat over to the next thug. "Second base…" He moved on to look at the final target. "…Third base."

"The hell you think you're doin', baseball boy?" Diesel scoffed.

"Nuthin'." Metal Bat casually raised his eyebrows. "Just decidin' whose face I'm gonna step on first."

Diesel clenched his teeth with irrepressible aggravation. Balling his large hand up into a fist, he threw it back and charged at the hero like an angry bull. "Like HELL you are!"

Before the crook even saw which direction it came from, a razor-sharp pain pranged into his hip, doing everything short of shattering the bone.

"GUH-GWAGHH!" The momentum the man was using to run caused him to fly forward and dive straight into sidewalk, skidding on it for a good few feet. He curled up into a ball, writhing in pain as he clutched his injured side. "F-Fuckin' shit, man…!" The thug almost sobbed the words out. "I think sumthin' broke…!"

Without even entertaining the remark, Metal Bat was quick to lay into "Second base," this time crashing into the smaller delinquent with a debilitating headbutt. The force sent the guy flying backwards into the side of a car, cracking the windows and setting off the alarm.

The last troublemaker standing actually managed to get a cheap shot in from behind, delivering a jab to the back of Bat's head. The guy let off a cocky smirk until the hero turned around and showed him what face he was making.

Metal Bat's eyes burned with righteous fury, and when the attacker went in for a second hit, the hero parried his fist with the bat, following up with a hard stomp against his knee. The thug screamed in agony as the spikes of Bat's shoe sank into his leg and peeled down his shin like a banana.

The guy would be able to walk okay, but there was a hefty chance that he'd do so with quite a mark.

Standing before the three to revel in their pained groans, Metal Bat hoisted his weapon back into its resting position on his shoulder, raising his voice to compete with the car alarm that continued to blare.

"Aight, ya buncha' dicklicks! Y'all know the routine! Time to limp home and let Mama kiss it all better! If I catch ya around my dugout again…!" He delivered a thunderous smash against the car making the noise, causing the siren to moan tragically before dying out. "…the next thing that gets 'dug out' will be my size-nine cleats outta your jail-broken bungholes." He seethed threateningly, causing the beaten men to shiver. "Now get outta here."

The two less crippled of the jerks staggered over to hoist Diesel off the concrete, and together, they proceeded to shamble away.

"FASTER LADIES!" Metal Bat struck a nearby fire hydrant with a powerful homerun swing, causing water to spew up. The trio – injured as they seemed – scattered like roaches with the lights on.

Confident that those idiots wouldn't be back for a while yet, Metal Bat turned and motioned Pandaman to come out from his 'hiding place.'

"Home Base." Metal Bat stated triumphantly, tapping the top step of his porch with the tip of his weapon. "So anyways," he spoke as if nothing had happened. "this's my pad. Sis should be home from school by now. Speakin' a' which, ya see that wall right there?" He pointed to the brick structure right next to the door.

The humanoid panda nodded frivolously.

"Well, ya try anything funny with my sister, and you're goin' straight through that fuckin' wall."

The panda nodded frivolously again.

"Cool. Ah, and by the by, I think it'd be better if ya wait out here until I get things sorted with her. She's kinda miffed at me for somethin', and I didn't exactly get a chance to let her know that a weird mascot would come livin' with us. So stay put, will ya? It should be just a sec."

"Ruh-ROAR!"

Metal Bat gave him a strange look before stepping up to the porch and opening the door.

"Siiiis?" He called into the house in almost a meek whisper. "You home?"

There was no response. Instead, a wicked haze of killing intent permeated the silent air.

'Ahh yeah, she's here alright…' He sweat-dropped.

Kicking off his cleats, he stepped through the hallway and made his way into the small living room. There, lying on her stomach and doing homework on the floor, was the one thing in the world that Metal Bat truly feared.

"H-Hiya, Sis…" He stammered nervously with a half-wave of his hand.

The girl in front of him ignored his greeting. She didn't look up at him. She didn't even blink.

After an awkward two-and-a-half minutes of eerie silence, Big Brother tried again. "Sooo, ehh, how was school today?"

No response.

"…Didja have piano practice today?"

This warranted a mean glare, which she used when she snapped her head to look at him. "Wouldn't you like to know, Baddie."

Her brother closed his eyes in a sharp wince as she got up to leave the room. Uncommon knowledge was that Metal Bat's real name was literally 'Bad,' and his sister took to calling him 'Baddie' whenever she was pissed at him.

"C'mon Zenko, ya can't stay mad at me forever…" He tried following her out.

She stopped and spun around to face him. "Yeah? WATCH me."

"Sis, I'm sorry I missed the recital, but you know I had to be at that meeting. I mighta' been fired otherwise!"

She turned away to give him the cold shoulder. "Guess you chose to be fired from being my brother instead!"

He gave her a sad frown. "Ya can't mean that…"

She turned around again to reveal the wetness in her eyes as tears prepared to roll down her cheeks. "Do I look like I don't mean that?..."

His posture shrank at the dismal sight of making his sister cry. "Sis, I…"

His eyes popped open when he spotted something moving behind her. His jaw dropped as he helplessly watched Pandaman's overtly plump shape waddle across the hall and into the kitchen.

"Hm…?" Zenko snuffled, giving him a puzzled look before starting to turn and look over her shoulder at where he was facing.

"Ahhjajaa—!" He fought to get her attention away from the animal anomaly that came rolling in. "IIIIIII was just ssssayin' how 'bout we hit the town this weekend! I'll take ya out to Mouse Sushi! It's your favorite restaurant in the world, right~?"

"Huh?" She blinked quizzically. "But…that's all the way in S-City."

"I don't care!" He kneeled down and grabbed her overdramatically by the shoulders. "If my lil' sis wants it, It'll definitely happen! I'll take time off. For real this time, I swear!"

"Nii-chan, you can't fix this with food. I'll never forgive you! Neverevereverever!"

"But I—"

A noisy crash rang from the kitchen, causing the two to jump.

"What was that?" Zenko shouted. "A burglar?!"

Bad was at a loss of what to say. Sensing his hesitation, the girl hustled over to grab her own baseball bat – although her particular version happened to be hollowed out plastic that weighed in at less than a pound.

"Whoever it is…" she started, holding up the toy weapon menacingly, "they picked the worst possible time to break in. I'm in…a really bad mood. Stay put, Baddie, and keep a safe distance: I'm about to wild out and throw."

"Zenko, wait!" He reached out to try and stop her, but she already went charging into the kitchen, brandishing her bat samurai-style.

He ran to catch up to her, arriving in the next room just in time to see his sister drop her 'weapon' in shock. The two stood still, watching a clearly hungry Pandaman rummage through their refrigerator. Setting his sights on a cabbage roll, the costumed monster proceeded to nibble at it through his triangular mouth.

Zenko's eyes quivered with unrivaled disbelief. "Oh…Em…Jee…" She covered up her mouth with her hands.

Bad wasn't sure what he was expecting. Her to run off and lock herself in her room? Call the police? Punch her brother in the dick?

But nothing could have prepared him to see her actually run up to the strange creature with her arms spread wide.

"It's sooooooooo cuuuuuuuuuuute~!" She dove into the costumed panda's side, pressing her cheek against the fur. "Soooo warm and soft~"

The beast she was embracing seemed to be utterly unaware of her presence, as he just continued with his munching.

"Yeah, I uhh…" Metal Bat scratched the back of his head. "I've been sorta meanin' to tell ya about him…"

She snapped her head to look back at him, still clinging tightly to the large manimal with a blush on her face. "You brought home a new pet for me as atonement for your sins! Ohhh thank you, Big Bro, thank you so much! I always wanted a panda bear~!"

"I…" Awestruck that this weirdo partner of his had maxed out a social link that Bad hadn't achieved in years, he processed his next words carefully before continuing. "I mean yeah, of course Sis. Whatever ya want…like I was sayin'…"

Zenko, at a fraction of Pandaman's size, had to practically climb up his back like a mountain to get to his head. "You and I are gonna be beeeeest friends! I'll take you to school for Show-and-Tell, and we'll binge-watch Tai-Chi Panda, and…!"

It took Zenko literally half an hour to go through her improvised list of plans with her new companion.

Pandaman, long finished with his meal, adjusted his position to wrap her in a hug from the front, kneading on her shoulders excitedly with his stubby nubby paws.

While a distracted Zenko had her head buried in his chest, he seized the moment to flash his senior partner a smug, starry-eyed stare that seemed to convey one very specific message:

This tiny human shall never give you this much love and attention.

Pandaman's beady eyes twinkled with knowing emphasis.

Never.

Defeated, Metal Bat fell to his hands and knees, yielding to the supremacy of large fluffy mammals.

Having had her fill of soft warmth from the cuddle, Zenko finally let go of the mascot and rushed up to her brother.

"I knew you'd find a way to redeem yourself." She told Bad, who was still knelt to the floor. "I love you, Big Bro."

He felt her plant a soft kiss on his cheek before watching her prance out of the room with newfound glee and a blissful skip to her step.

When she was gone, Metal Bat did a quick doubletake at Pandaman, who was still sitting back on his haunches in front of him.

Finding himself utterly outshined and outdistanced, Bad turned his already kneeling position into one of absolute prostration as he choked out a single desperate command to his new partner:

"Teach me your secrets…"

A/N: Lawd Almighty! I wasn't actually planning to make a two-parter, but if I didn't, this would've taken like TWICE the forever to upload. I'll try to have this chapter's partner up before Christmas, but just in case it doesn't get there by then, Happy Holidays everyone!