A copy of Cylon model number Four looked down at the dead body of a number Ten, reached for the letter resting on the nightstand next to an empty bottle of pills, and read it thoughtfully.
My affection for the child was not dishonest. But I knew what I was, so my life amongst you was a lie. For that I beg your forgiveness.
Please believe that I never did anything to hurt her. My task was to watch over her, nothing else. But by standing aside and watching, I allowed her to be harmed. Seeing as how that was not what was promised to me by God, I have lost faith. And I now take leave of the task he gave me. This is the only way.
I take comfort in knowing that with the destruction of the Resurrection ship, my soul will not return to my fellow Cylons. And suicide is a mortal sin, so my soul will not return to God either. Perhaps I take comfort in that as well.
I commit my soul to the universe, for it is now who I truly serve. I pray to whatever higher power exists, that the child will fulfill her righteous purpose. Whatever that may be. And I pray that her truefamily benefits. Whoever they may be.
So say we all.
Number Four sighed heavily, crumpled up the letter, and sat down at the nearby desk to begin writting.
Laura Roslin sat in the Caprica City River Market and looked up to the gorgeous blue sky as she dangled her bare feet in the water of the fountain. "Do you believe that the things you do in this life come back to haunt you in the afterlife?"
"No." Billy replied, sitting beside her. "I believe that the things you do in this life, come back to haunt you in this life."
Roslin giggled breathlessly, sadly. "Or come back to haunt the people you left behind." She turned to face him. "I never wanted to do anything to hurt her."
"I know you didn't." Billy told her softly. "And even though she was only a child when you died, she knows that too. She knew—we all knew—that you loved her."
"I still do." Roslin looked down to her lap. "But we kept secrets, we were dishonest. Not with lies, but with omissions of truth." Her face seemed pleading as she looked back to him. "Do you think we can be forgiven for that?"
"Forgiveness is granted based on the context of the offense." Billy responded, looking up to the shapes of the clouds above him and willing his own heart to believe what he was saying. "Our reasons for hiding the truth were not treacherous."
"But the outcome has been." Roslin smiled dejectedly. She then reached over to lay her hand on top of his. "Perhaps it's time for the truth to be revealed."
"Mr. President?" The voice over the intercom called to him. "Mr. President?"
Billy lifted his head from his desk, rubbed his eyes and reached over to the intercom that buzzed him awake. "Yeah?"
"I have Galactica on the line for you, sir."
"Yeah." He responded gravelly, running a hand through his hair. "Put it through to the secure line."
When he picked up the phone, he heard Dee's voice on the other end. "Billy, are you okay? Your assistant said that you hadn't left your office all night."
"I'm fine." He replied, holding his pounding head in his hands. "What's going on over there? Is there any change?"
"No." Dee answered in a weak, trembling voice. "She's exactly the same as she's been for the last week. She barely moves except to thrash about, she doesn't speak unless it's to utter nonsense, and even then she speaks to empty spaces in the room. She doesn't seem to recognize any of us." Dee paused and he could hear her deep sigh. "Cottle and Baltar have been working with her, they've even asked for outside help. And every test that they can think of has been done, but she's just not the same Laura that she was before."
"I'm gonna come over to sickbay and see her again."
"Billy, why?" Dee questioned desperately. "What good will that do?"
Billy sat back in his chair, slightly insulted. "I want to see her."
"Just to torture yourself?" She shot back. "I was with you the last time you visited her, I saw what it did to you. How are you gonna be the leader of this fleet with that kind of guilt eating away at you?"
"How am I the leader of it now?" He shouted angrily into the handset. "You don't think it's eating me alive now?"
There was silence on the other end of the line, but finally when she spoke, it was gentle and sympathetic. "That is exactly why you shouldn't come."
He almost dropped the phone down to the desk as the weight of her heartbreaking remark came upon him. But he also knew that she was right. "They know that you speak for me, Dee." He whispered. "Just tell them that my thoughts and—."
"Your prayers?" She interjected.
"—are with them." He concluded the statement. But before he hung up, he spoke softly again. "Are you doing okay with this?"
"No." Dee whispered miserably in response. "I'm not."
Colonel Tigh gently pulled back the curtain and entered the area around Laura's bed. He noticed Kara sleeping, slumped in a chair next to the bed, so he came around to the other side. He reached out to place the item he was holding at the foot of the bed, and had just started to come near Laura's immobile body when……..
"Get the frak away from her!" Kara shouted frantically, jumping out of her chair.
"I'm sorry." Tigh stepped back instantly and held up his hands. "Corporal Townsend said it would be okay for me to come in."
Kara shook her head and adjusted her eyes, looking at him in surprise as she came to alertness. "Colonel Tigh?"
"Yes." He answered simply.
"I'm sorry, Colonel. I didn't realize it was you." She sighed and ran a hand through her disheveled hair. "I must've fallen asleep."
"You must've needed to." He responded, his eyes full of concern as he examined her haggard appearance.
Kara looked around the room. "Did you need me to do something, sir?"
"Yeah, actually. I need you to stay right here with the Admiral's granddaughter." He sincerely explained. He then pointed to the item he had brought in. "I came by to bring her a blanket from our quarters; it's cashmere. It's a lot warmer and softer than the blankets they keep here in sickbay."
Kara reached down and unfolded the blanket, carefully placing it over Laura and then running a gentle hand down her face. "It was very nice of you to think of that, sir."
"I didn't think of it." He added softly.
She looked up at him instantly, shocked when she realized what he was saying. But she cleared her throat and nodded in gratitude. "Well then, um………thank Mrs. Tigh for me."
He nodded back. "She's not as bad as everyone thinks." He looked down at Laura; she was lying on her side with her eyes wide open. But she was hunched over on herself, both of her hands tucked away under her chin, a gentle whimpering coming from the back of her throat. "Ellen was the one that taught Laura how to put on makeup."
Kara snorted in amusement, and he could tell that was the first genuine display of humor she'd had in a long time. "Well, thank her less for that."
"How are things going?"
"Okay, I guess." Kara nodded to herself, pointing to certain objects in the room. "We brought some of her things in, so that she'd feel more comfortable. She's got her idols, some of her books, and the pictures of Helo and Boomer and her and President Roslin. We also play her music chip a lot, she seems to like that."
Tigh heard the music wafting through the room. "That's nice."
"We brought in her Aerilon Chiefs bear, but she starts to cry every time she sees it, so we keep it off to the side most of the time." Kara then paused and pointed to the ceiling, at a hanging piece of melded-together metal parts. "The Chief even went into storage and got out the mobile that he and Cally made of Viper and Raptor parts for her when she was born. She spends most of her time staring at the ceiling, so that was thoughtful of him."
"She has all the comforts of home." Tigh smiled sympathetically.
Kara covered her eyes in agony. "A lot of people have been in to see her; Dee and Billy, Chief and Cally, Ractrack, Kat, Hotdog, Gaeta. Her friend Shane was here yesterday, and Ethan and Charlotte from school came by to see her the day before that. But then she started yelling at them about 'little children that don't grow up as fast as they should.', so they got scared and had to leave." She chuckled ruefully and adjusted the blanket over Laura. "She looks like she's seventeen and they're still eleven. But they were still friends. All that time they knew her, she grew so fast; so fast that she was practically a different person every time they saw her. But they were never scared of her; they were never scared of her until now."
"They're just too young to understand what's going on." Tigh assured her.
"I don't understand what's going on!" She shouted at him. "It frakking terrifies me!"
"And yet……. you're still here." He pointed out calmly. "You and Apollo, one of you is always here with her."
"The Admiral's only been in once." Kara whispered, looking at Tigh desperately. "He stayed for fifteen minutes, but then I made him leave. I could see his heart shatter into a million pieces as he sat in that chair. He wanted to stay, but I knew it was killing him to see her like this. And Laura wouldn't want him to be here like that, so I made him leave."
"And instead he just sits in his office with his heart shattered in a million pieces." Tigh retorted. "I'm not sure that's much better."
"Father Monseau came to see her, for the anointing of the sick. But when Lee saw that he was in here, he started screaming at him at the top of his lungs to 'get the hell out'. He screamed so loud that he frightened everybody in sickbay. I sunk down to the chair and cried, the priest left, and Laura started sobbing hysterically. She tried to get out of bed and shouted that 'the oracle was going to take her somewhere'. No one could calm her down after that, Baltar had to come in and give her a shot." She took a deep breath. "But they took off the restraints yesterday, because at least she's not trying to hurt herself anymore."
"I see." Tigh whispered sadly.
Kara loudly let out the breath that she had just taken and bit her lower lip. "So I guess the answer to your original question would be: things really aren't going too good."
Laura's whimpers got louder and clearer. "My fault, my fault, my fault. Don't belong with you, see things different. Don't belong."
"Little Laura, don't say that." Kara leaned down next to her face and kissed her cheek. "Colonel Tigh's here to see you. Do you wanna say hi to him?"
Laura looked up at him and he smiled at her, speaking in a soothing voice. "Hey, little girl."
Laura's only reply was to turn away again and curl into a fetal position. "My fault, my fault, my fault."
Kara sighed in dejection and moved back to sit in the chair, putting her elbows on her knees and her chin in her hands. Tigh grabbed a chair from his side of the bed, and pulled it over, next to Kara. "I was planning on staying with her for a while. Maybe you could go get some sleep? Or a decent meal?"
Kara shook her head. "I don't think I can leave."
"Then we'll both stay." Tigh told her, finally taking the seat next to her. "And we'll just……….sit here."
"These need to be filed." Lee told Kat as they stood in his office and he handed her a whole stack of folders. He then showed her a paper on top of his desk. "And this is a list of pilots on the current rotation that need to be scheduled for CAP."
"Sure thing, Major." Kat responded, she then looked at him cautiously. "Um, how's Laura?"
"She's okay." He answered quietly and somewhat dishonestly, not looking back up at her. "I think she's doing better than when you came to see her before."
"That's good." Kat said hopefully, putting the files down on his desk. "I'd like to come see her again, if that'd be okay."
"Yeah." He replied hesitantly. "But give me a while…….to figure out a good time for you to come."
"Sure." She smiled slightly, gesturing to the hatch. "Why don't you go? I've got it covered from here."
"Thanks for doing this, Kat." Lee smiled back half-heartedly. "Kara and I……..we're not trying to pawn off our jobs on anybody else. It's just—."
"You don't have to explain." She interrupted, sitting down at his desk and looking at the paper he had previously shown her. "You guys have pulled more than three times your weight since the world ended." She added sincerely. "We're all just trying to help you out any way we can."
"I'm gonna go." Lee started to walk away. "Kara's been in there for nearly twelve hours."
"Hey, CAG?" Kat stopped him before he reached the door. "This list of pilots? There's one on here that……….I don't know. There's just a callsign, no name."
Lee came back to the desk and took the paper she held out for him, looking over it carefully. "Where?"
"Third one down." Kat pointed at the word on the page. "Jupiter? I don't even recognize the callsign. Is that a transfer from Pegasus?"
"No." Lee replied softly, with confusion. "I don't recognize the name. It's nobody that I know of."
"But this is your handwriting, right?" She inquired.
Lee looked at the unfamiliar name that he had written on the page and nodded. "Yeah, it's mine. But I don't remember writing it." He handed the page back. "It's just gibberish. I'm sorry, I must've gotten distracted."
"Hey, we all have our 'space-cadet' moments." Kat laughed sympathetically. "But you have an excuse, so I think we'll let it go this time."
He shook his head to clear away the racing thoughts and nervously smiled back as he retreated from the room.
Lee made his way through the corridor, not really noticing that the direction he was taking to get to sickbay led him through the memorial corridor.
"Major?"
Lee heard the voice call out to him and turned around to see Corporal Venner standing near the memorial wall, lighting a candle. He walked back to stand before him. "Corporal Venner, how are you?"
"Fine. I'm fine, sir. I just got off shift guarding Laura." He replied, looking at the wall. "I always try to come here before I go to sleep."
"I see." Lee said, looking to the wall as well. He did a double-take when he saw a familiar drawing posted next to all the photos and handmade cards; it was the one of the ocean that Laura had drawn and shown to him when she was little. "That's Laura's picture."
"Actually," Venner corrected. "Laura drew it for Duck when she found out that he'd grown up near the ocean on Virgon." Venner sighed heavily. "And when he died, she went with Captain Thrace to clean out his locker and found it taped up on the inside. So she took it and put it up on this wall as a way of remembering him."
"Yeah." Was Lee's only reply.
"Laura and I used to come here late at night." Venner said carefully. "On the nights that I'd guard the door, once you'd gone to sleep, we'd sneak out for a while."
"You used to sneak out to come here?" Lee seethed furiously.
"I'm sorry if that upsets you." Venner told him honestly. "I know that you've never been the most religious of people—."
"You don't have to be religious to feel grief over the people that died. I'm not cold and heartless, that's not what I'm upset about." Lee cut him off, the breath hissing through his teeth. "What I'm upset about is that you let my daughter out of our quarters in the middle of the night, when you were supposed to be protecting her!"
"I was protecting her. I always did; without reservation." Venner countered simply. "But Laura is her own person, she did her own thing. She wanted to come here, and I was just trying to keep her safe."
"Right." Lee mumbled sarcastically, turning to walk away again.
Venner called after him softly. "I know things are hard right now, but you just have to have faith."
Lee turned back around quickly. "I don't want to have faith! I want to have my child!" He walked back up and stood right in Venner's face. "You know, I am so sick of people talking to me about the gods and having faith, that I really think I could vomit right now. That's not how I do things. I don't just hand over control and the well-being of the people I love to some sort of all-seeing—but never seen—higher power." Lee's hands were now gesturing wildly around him. "It's amazing to me that Kara and Laura and I were so amazingly happy for as long as we were. Kara and I are so different as parents, because I get concerned and agitated and nervous. I drive myself mad with worry, because that's how I love: MADLY. That's how I do things. I'm active in my own life; I don't just sit back and trust that something divine will take care of all my problems. I don't just trust that my faith will make everything all right."
"But sometimes faith is the only thing that will make everything all right." Venner responded quietly, in sharp contrast to Lee's agitation.
"That's what Kara thinks too, that's why she's sitting in sickbay now with her hands folded in prayer." Lee shouted. "But you were just in there with them—did everything look all right to you?"
Venner again lowered his head. "No, it didn't."
"It's like some sick little game. The minute I started to let myself go, the minute I started to believe that we are blessed………..was the minute it all fell apart." Lee shook his head wildly. "I'm not gonna look up to the heavens for answers, I'm gonna look for something real and tangible and practical. I'm gonna look for something that will give me a response that you don't need a Mt. Olympus decoder ring to understand." Lee turned again to start to walk away. "I want my daughter happy and healthy, and if faith can't give that to me—then FRAK faith! I'll find something that can."
Corporal Venner stood frozen in the middle of the corridor. Lee was halfway down it when he turned around and walked back, tearing the drawing off the wall before continuing on his way.
As soon as he sent Kara off to their quarters to try to sleep, Lee came to stand beside Laura's bed. "Laura? I brought you something." He said gently, holding up the picture from the corridor. "Do you remember when you drew this? You gave it to Duck."
"You gave that to me, Laura." Duck leaned down to whisper in her ear as she laid on her side, facing her father. "Do you remember? It's of the ocean; you told me you'd always like to see an ocean."
"Float away." Laura sang dreamily. "Float away on the waves. Far away, far, far away from here."
Lee sighed and tacked the drawing up on the wall beside them. "I don't think they'll let you out of sickbay just to go for a swim, sweetheart."
"That's Duck's!" Laura shouted, sitting up in bed and pointing to the drawing. "Give it back! He'll be mad that you took it!"
Lee came back over and carefully made her lie back down. "Duck's dead, sweetheart. I don't think he'll mind that I took it."
"Dead Duck. Didn't live up to his name, shoulda duck-and-run." Laura repeated, giggling crazily. "He went boom in a ball of fire. Crispy Duck."
"Kat says hi." Lee told her, ignoring her rambling as he sat down in the chair beside the bed. "She'd like to come visit you again."
"Kat can't be in the same room as Duck." Laura mumbled, curling around herself. "Kat chases Duck, tears out his feathers."
"Duck's not here." Lee whispered, touching her face.
"He can't see me, Laura." Duck confirmed, gesturing to the other four non-corporeal people standing in the room. "Only you can see us."
"Only I can see you." Laura moaned softly. "Kitty Kat can come later, when it's not so crowded in here."
Lee shook his head at her. "Baby? I'm the only one in here with you."
"She is in such pain." Roslin rasped out, the tears stinging her eyes as she looked down at her namesake from where she stood beside Lee's chair. "What kind of monster would do this to her?"
"It was the Doctor." Leoben explained, standing next to her. "He used our very words against us, twisted them to serve his own purpose."
"We tried to warn her in a dream of what would happen." Elosha added from the other side of the bed. "But when it came to pass, she was powerless to stop it."
Roslin came up to the bed and laid a hand on Laura's blanketed knee. "We're going to help you, little Laura."
"I know you will, Laura." Laura looked up at President Roslin and smiled, before drawing the cashmere blanket higher up around her shoulders. "Nurse Coaker will help you."
"Yes." The fifth ghost in the room came up on the other side and stroked Laura's hair. "I will."
"Laura?" Lee whispered again. "I thought you remembered me telling you; Nurse Coaker's dead too."
"Nurse Coaker's in sickbay." Laura pointed to the woman beside her that Lee couldn't see.
"No, she's not!" Lee shouted, breaking down in frustrated exhaustion. "She's in the frakking morgue!" He stopped himself and took a shuddering breath, calming down so he wouldn't frighten her. He reached over and took her hand. "Little Laura? Sometimes, people get very sad. They get so sad that it makes them sick, and they think that nothing in the world can make them better again……….so they choose not to live in the world anymore." Lee felt a tear fall down his face. "Nurse Coaker's entire family died when Tauron was attacked. And even though she tried to hide it; she was very sad, and she missed them. She left a note, saying that she wanted to go be with her family."
"I never had a family that lived on Tauron." Nurse Coaker explained to Laura. She then looked up to the other ghosts in the room. "And that is most definitely not what I said in my note."
"We know." Leoben assured her. "Another Cylon aboard Galactica found your body, then tossed out your note and wrote another one in its place."
"But your family's right here with you, Laura." Lee continued, unaware of the other conversation. "And we want you to stay. So, you can't go anywhere. You have to stay with us, you understand?"
"She has no family, she's stuck in limbo." Laura whispered dejectedly to herself, a tear falling out the corner of her eye. "And no one can help me now."
"I want to help you." Lee whispered back, bringing her hand to his lips. "If you could just tell me how."
"It burned my hand." She told him, tugging on the hand that he held, trying to explain what Baltar had done to her. "It burned going in, like fire in my hand."
"You want me to let go? Is that it, Laura?" Lee gripped her hand in his even tighter, smiling sorrowfully. "Its never gonna happen, little girl. I don't care how much it burns."
Laura laughed breathily. "Everyone thinks that fire burns orange." She sat up and tapped his chin, leaning in to where she was inches from his face, looking straight in his eyes. "But it actually burns blue. If it's hot enough—it burns blue."
"Laura, please stop talking nonsense." Lee pleaded, lowering his head.
Laura began to cry and fell back to the pillows, looking up at the other people in the room. "He doesn't understand."
"Baltar did this to her." Coaker said harshly. "I was too weak to try and stop him while I was alive, but he must be stopped."
"Yes, he must." Leoben added, looking across to Roslin for reassurance. "Those of us who have been allowed to go to the afterlife, or those like me that have been boxed--we know differently. But the Doctor thinks that he is serving a holy purpose."
"He thinks she is a child of the Cylon." Elosha continued. "But she is a child of destiny."
"Baltar thinks he has a claim to her." Duck finished.
"He thinks he's my father." Laura laughed maniacally, through her tears. "Silly man, he's not my father."
Lee's face crumpled, thinking that Laura was talking about him. "Not by blood." He leaned up and pressed his forehead against hers. "But you run through my veins, nonetheless."
"All of this has happened before, and all of this will happen again." Roslin touched Laura's cheek, attempting to brush away the tears. "The gods will help you, Laura. Until then……..we'll do what we can."
"The gods will do it!" Laura shouted ecstatically, still in Lee's face. "They'll help me."
"The gods can't help you, sweetheart." Lee whispered, pulling back to kiss her forehead. "But Mom and I love you so much, and we're gonna find somebody who can."
"The twins of Zeus and their poisoned arrows." Laura patted the side of his face and grinned at him. "My own personal Apollo. Pretty sun god, Apollo."
"You'll be found you out, Gaius." Six told him harshly, walking down the hall with him as he made his way to Cottle's office. "You can't just destroy someone's mind like that and get away with it."
"Laura will recover." Baltar assured his invisible companion. "As soon as I stop giving her the shots that are enveloping her in this madness, she'll be as good as new."
"She'll have memories of what you did to her." Six warned, stopping their walk in the middle of the hallway. "Or they'll find traces of whatever it was that you gave to her."
"It's ironic," He began. "Did you know that certain psychotropic medications, when combined together in certain body chemistries, can actually cause the psychosis that they were designed to treat?" He smirked at her. "I bet you didn't know that. Not many people do, unless of course—they are geniuses." He took a step closer to her and cocked his head to the side. "What exactly will they find traces of? Of course they'll find traces of the two anti-psychotic drugs. After all, when I was treating her, Laura was having a psychotic episode—."
"She wasn't psychotic!" Six sneered at him. "She was drugged. You knew that those drugs combined together in her special blood type would have this effect, and you did it on purpose. You are poisoning our child!"
"Because you practically forced me to, darling! You can't get indignant with me now!" He yelled back, grateful that his meeting with the Adamas was happening in the middle of the night, when the hallways were essentially vacant. "Those unscrupulous measures that you were talking about? You made your bed, and now you must allow me to lie in it."
"If anything happens to her—."
"Can we dispense with the foreboding threats?" He scoffed, placing a hand on her shoulder. "When Laura is fully under my care, she will experience a miraculous recovery. One in which she will not remember the 'unwavering love, tempered by discipline ……..and control' that I gave to her." He winked at Six. "I believe that was what you called it, wasn't it, darling?"
"You say that this miraculous recovery will only occur when she is under your care." Six mocked. "How do you expect to make that happen, Gaius? You forget that I was with you when you were in sickbay treating her. Her human parents were constantly there, they will not cast her aside. They love her too much."
"That is what I'm counting on." He assured her, continuing on his path toward sickbay. "Once Laura is under my care, she will improve. But if she ever tries to go back to the life she had before, I'll make sure her mental state deteriorates again. When her parents see that it is the life she has with them that is making her sick, they'll do what's right." A wicked gleam flashed in his eye as he turned his head to see her walking next to him. "They won't cast her aside, but I'm counting on the fact that they love her enough to do anything to make her better again…………even if it means letting her go."
"Low-latent inhibition?" Lee repeated as he sat in Cottle's office, looking up at Baltar.
"What the frak is that?" Kara questioned from beside Lee.
"It's what we think is wrong with Laura." Dr. Snow, a neurologist who had been a passenger on the Palasca Maru, replied. "It's a valid neurological condition, but it's a human condition—."
"So obviously, in Laura's case, it goes much deeper." Baltar interrupted. "But Dr. Cottle, Dr. Snow, and I have done various tests on Laura, and it' s closest thing we can come up withas adiagnosis. All of her symptoms are consistent with low-latent inhibition."
"But I'm afraid that because of Laura's Cylon half, her rapid growth, and various—." Snow hesitated. "—other factors……..it's an extreme variation."
"What happens with this condition?" The Admiral spoke up from where he stood, leaning against the wall behind Lee and Kara. "Or more importantly, what caused it?"
Cottle cleared his throat and sat up straighter behind his desk. "I'm afraid it was caused by the sudden inactivity we saw on her scan." He took a deep breath. "After Laura had her seizure but before she was released from sickbay, she was acting very……..manic, I suppose you could say."
"Yes." Baltar agreed. "Nurse Coaker—gods rest her soul—even mentioned that to me."
"Smartest thing that copy of number Ten ever did, eating those pills." Six whispered as she traced Baltar's ear. He gulped loudly at the revelation, and had to struggle to keep the shock from his face when he realized what it meant. "Made me ill to come into sickbay and see such a watered-down version of a Cylon staring back at me." Six continued, sighing in exasperation. "All the later numbers are weak; we've had problems with every model after Seven. After all, Sharon was an Eight."
"I, um, I noticed the behavior myself." Baltar added with a stutter, shaking off his surprise. "Surely you must have too. That was why you agreed to let us give her a sedative."
"You said the thing that shut down in her brain wasn't going to hurt her." Kara accused.
"We didn't think it would." Cottle defended.
"In our own defense, what we said was that we didn't think it would hurt her human side." Baltar interjected. "Well, Laura is half-Cylon, and that was affected by the inactivity."
"Perhaps if we could explain to them how, Dr. Baltar." Snow suggested.
"Of course." Baltar nodded, walking over to a whiteboard on the wall. "Most human beings really only see things in a certain way, they only see the candy-coated shell, if you will. But everything in existence……. exists on many levels." He drew an image on the board and turned back around. "What do you see?"
"A really shitty drawing of a Viper." Kara stated rudely, looking at what he had drawn.
"Yes, well, imagine that you're looking at a real Viper."
"Okay." Lee said.
"You see the wings, the canopy, the carriage, the body, and the build of the plane." Baltar pointed to the image. "But obviously, there's more to it than that, things that the naked eye does not see: wiring, electric pulses."
"Obviously." Adama agreed.
"A Viper is a very complex machine. Well, so is everything else in the universe." Baltar told them. "Everything in existence has a blueprint, it has an energy to it; even the simplest of things." He held up the marker in his hands. "Like this marker here. Even it has a dozen different facets and qualities, but we overlook them, because it is not vital to our lives that we see them."
"The universe has so many different aspects, that the brain must shield some of them from our perspective." Snow informed them. "In every brain, there is a section that does that; that inhibits us from seeing these things. The brain does this to protect us, to protect our psyche. If this function is working correctly, we just see the candy coated shell, as Dr. Baltar put it—we don't see the creamy filling inside." Snow's eyes grew sympathetic. "The average person couldn't stand to see all these various layers of life. It would just be too much to process, it would be exhausting, it would drive us crazy."
"Kind of like Laura is now." Cottle finished sadly.
"But you said it was her Cylon side that was affected." Kara reminded them. "So why is Laura, our daughter, lying sick in that bed?"
"That is why she's in the state she's in now." Snow replied. "It's something that we didn't anticipate. It's not the activation of any Cylon program, it's the deactivation. The Cylon section of the brain faltered, but her human section is suffering as a result."
"Cylons see things differently than humans. Obviously, they're machines. They see the complexities, while most humans only see the simplicities." Baltar looked over at Six standing beside him. "But from everything that I've learned about Laura and some of the other agents who impersonated humans—like Lt. Valerri—there is a safeguard, if you will. Something that causes them to see things as the humans they are trying to impersonate would see them. They can't see things like a Cylon would, it would give them away. They can't afford to see the world in lines of binary code; they can't be allowed to see the patterns and infinitesimal nuances in the universe that we as humans just do not see."
Kara closed her eyes as a sharp pain stabbed at her heart. I see the patterns, I see the universe. I see it and you don't.
"They have to keep it hidden." Snow continued Baltar's thought. "From us, and therefore from themselves."
"The failure of this safeguard has allowed Laura to see things the way a Cylon would, and she can't deal with it." Cottle finished.
"But she is part Cylon, why can't she deal with it?" Lee pointed out. "And I hate to keep pounding this truth in, but you said that an average person couldn't stand to see these things—well, Laura's special, she's not an average person."
"You're absolutely right, Major. She's not." Dr. Snow replied. "Dr. Cottle was speaking in psychological terms."
"Psychological?" Kara and Lee repeated at the same time.
"Yes." Baltar said. "A person of average intelligence would go insane as a result of this. But there are actually some humans that see things on this advanced level. And someone of above average intelligence, like Laura, would actually become more gifted, creative, and blessed……….mentally speaking."
Adama pushed off the wall and pointed into the hub of sickbay. "Does my granddaughter look blessed to you?"
"No." Snow replied. "But what we're trying to say is that it's not the condition that is making her that way."
"Then what is making her that way?" Lee hissed.
"She is." Baltar answered sadly. "She's doing it to herself."
"NO." Kara shook her head in denial as Lee's mouth hung open in disbelief. "You're wrong. She wouldn't do that. Why would she make herself sick like that?"
"This is utterly fascinating, Gaius." Six said, standing behind him and rubbing his shoulders. "It would be even more fascinating if any of it were true."
"We believe very strongly that she is suffering from a variation of this condition, it's the only thing that makes sense." Snow continued. "But she could deal with it mentally, if she only had the tools to deal with it psychologically."
"She HAS the tools to deal with it!" Kara shouted. "We'll help her deal with it."
"You can't." Baltar told her simply. "You are part of the problem."
"Laura's mind is acting differently; it's acting like a Cylon's would." Cottle's face was compassionate. "But her heart is still human; and it still rests firmly with you."
"Her mind is at war with her heart." Baltar explained. "So she has retreated inside herself, because she knows that she has changed. She knows that she is not the same person you knew before, and she doesn't think she belongs with you anymore."
Lee and Kara both squeezed their entwined hands at the same time, remembering the mantra that Laura had been repeating over and over. Don't belong with you. See things different, don't belong.
"I don't understand." Lee pleaded. "She doesn't--we want her to come back to us. Doesn't she understand that?"
"No. She doesn't understand that. She doesn't think that's true." Cottle told him. "Not because of anything that you've done. But because of unwritten rules that have existed since the dawn of time."
"There are things that tell us to hold ourselves back." Baltar explained coming to perch on the edge of Cottle's desk in front of Lee and Kara. "Society, nature, the compulsive need for acceptance. They are constantly telling us that we shouldn't go too far, run too fast, or jump too high; and that if we don't follow those rules, there is something wrong with us. But there are some people that simply cannot be held back. We have to go far, run fast, and jump high………..because to not do so would cause us to be less than what we are. We would be incomplete."
"You keep saying we, Doctor." Adama pointed out.
"Yes, I'm sorry. That was………" He paused for an acceptable amount of time and took on a fake agonized expression, so that they would think he was struggling. "I just still remember what it was like for me when, like Laura, I realized that I saw things in a different way than most people. I struggled with it for years."
"Why?" Kara asked softly.
"Because I had no one to guide me." Baltar replied. "There is gifted, and then there is what Laura and I experience. Ours is a whole new level of intelligence, a much higher level of intelligence that most people could even comprehend."
Six came to stand in front of him and ran her fingers through his hair. "It's astounding that, even in the midst of this tragedy, you can still find a way to remind people that you are smarter than they are."
"I spent many years of my adolescence miserable. I felt out of place and alone in the world, because I was." Baltar kept his head lowered so that they would believe he was distressed. "This is why I can study Cylons, this is why I can understand them. Because on some small, horrible level--I can relate."
"Horrible?" Six hissed in insult.
"I can see things as a Cylon would, but my intelligence is tempered by my humanity, something that the Cylons don't have. So I don't have the same capacity for cold, calculated evil that they do." Baltar looked pointedly at the three Adamas. "Laura has the same intelligence, but she also has the same humanity inside her. Not only because of Lt. Agathon, but because of what she has learned from you." He touched his chest. "And I can show her how to use her intelligence and her humanity to help people, just like I have."
"Oh, come on, Gaius." Six smiled appreciatively, sauntering to stand next to the Admiral. "We both know that you help yourself the most of all."
"But as proud as I am to be able to help my race--it comes at a price." Baltar sighed with exaggeration. "People like Laura and I, we exist in your world, and we can help you live in it; happily and safely. But we don't really live in it ourselves."
"But she has lived in it," Kara stated firmly. "For close to two years."
"But she's different now." Baltar retorted just as firmly. "And if you can't accept that, then she never will."
"We can accept it." Lee told them. "Why do you think that we can't?"
"Do you think I don't see the strange looks that you give me? Even when you ask me for help, there is reluctance and fear wrapped up in your request." Baltar accused, turning the tables on them. "When I talk to myself, it's because no one else but me will understand what it is that I'm trying to figure out in my mind." He stopped when he saw Lee swallow roughly. "You look at me like I'm crazy, but I'm not crazy. I just deal with things on many different levels; see things in many different dimensions. I'm just different……..like Laura is."
"And there's no way to bring her back?" Adama whispered.
"No! It's who she is now." Baltar told him indignantly. "But even if you could, why would you want to? Why would you force her to be less than what she is?"
"Because she's in pain!" Kara shouted, standing up from her chair.
"Maybe we should all take a break." Cottle interjected, gesturing to himself and the two other doctors. "We've been up for days, going over every test and every medical journal; pushing our brains to the limit, trying to find an answer. We're exhausted, we haven't slept."
"Join the frakking club, Doc." Kara shouted again. "I don't want to take a break! I want to find out what we can do to stop the pain that she's in."
"She's not in pain because of her new outlook on things. If she could come to terms with it, she would actually grow to look upon it as a gift. But she doesn't want to get to that point, because if she did, she would be choosing a new life over the one she had with you. And she views that as betrayal." Baltar continued, voice softening. "She's doing this to herself because she loves you so much, and it's killing her that she can't be like you. She's in pain because she wants to stay the same girl that she has always been; she wants to stay the girl that you knew. But she can never be that girl again." He looked down at Lee and then over to Kara. "I know what that's like, it's horrible and frustrating. But please believe me when I say that she does not have to stay in this kind of pain, she just has to find some sort of balance. Or else she will be miserable for years………. just like I was. And I don't think that I have to remind you that she doesn't have those years to spare."
Kara sunk down to the chair again and lowered her head. "No, you don't have to remind us."
"I have found my place in this world." Baltar said, kneeling down so that he was eye level with her. "I have been able to find that balance, and I have been able to harness my abilities so that I could help people. As I have helped all of you."
Kara looked up at Baltar, the look on her face was so defeated, so exhausted, and so heartbroken that it even gave his calculating mind a moment's pause. "Can you help her?"
"Keep going, Gaius." Six told him, smiling appreciatively. "They've been broken enough that they believe it. You're almost there."
Out of the corner of his eye, Baltar could see Lee cover his eyes in shame and despair, but also in resignation.
"I don't know." Baltar looked away. "All that time that I spent teaching her, I saw how special she was. Laura has endeared herself to me, as she has endeared herself to most everyone. I used to think of my genius as a burden, but it is not a burden. And if I can help Laura see that her situation is not burdensome either, then maybe what I went through will have been for some purpose. I was alone in my struggle, but maybe the universe made me go through it alone--so that Laura won't have to."
Lee dropped his hand and looked straight at Baltar, his blue eyes moist with held-back tears. Then in a cracked voice, he repeated the last thing Kara had said. "Can you help her?"
Baltar lowered his head. "It will be difficult, and we will all have to take exteme measures. " He humbly looked back up to them. "But I'd like to try………….if you'll let me."
TBC
