A/N: I do not own Deadpool or any of the other characters who appear in this story.
"Okay, any questions?" I asked our Multiversal Alliance for Revenge and Vengeance on Evil Lowlifes (MARVEL). Turns out Magik can make portals between universes, which is lucky for the MARVEL or all of them would be dead.
Several hands immediately shot up, leaving me to play favorites as to whose got answered first. Captain Ahab had thoroughly aggravated me by interrupting my dramatic speech, so he was out. The Wizard of Oz, whatever the heck his real name is, had been rude by reiterating parts of my speech in a more dramatic voice. Green Lantern creeped me out because I thought I had erased him from existence by killing Ryan Reynolds in the post-credits scene of Deadpool 2. "…You," I eventually decided, pointing to Harley Quinn. "What's your question?"
"You said the team you made was called 'X-Force,' right?" she asked.
"Yes, but I fail to see how that's pertinent."
"Well, it's just that that seems like it might be copyright infringement on Task Force X."
"I assure you, it is not. If anything, it's copyright infringement on X-Men. Or X-Women. Its rebranding status was left sorta ambiguous after Dark Phoenix."
"No, it definitely sounds more like Task Force X."
"Look, X-Force's name is just a more gender-neutral X-Men. Also, quite frankly, nobody even calls your team Task Force X – everyone just calls it the Suicide Squad. Emphasis on 'the,' because the first team was just garbage. Next question."
"Where be the white whale?!" Captain Ahab yelled.
"Ahab, for #&$%'s sake, the whale is gone, but if you like hunting giant sea creatures, we're gonna be going after a gigantic octopus soon."
"But the white whale ate me leg! I seek vengeance upon him! I have not a quarrel with this…oc-to-pus."
"Well, if you'd like, I'd be happy to hold you up to Shuma-Gorath's mouth and see if he feels like biting of another limb. Would that get you motivated to fight him?"
Sylvie walked onto the stage-of sorts I was on in the Citadel at the End of Time and said, "Thanks, Wade, but I think you've done enough." She then addressed the MARVEL, "Look, people. Your entire universes were eaten by Shuma-Gorath…don't you want to make sure that doesn't happen to any other universes? That monster's asleep now, but that's only because he's eaten a lot. When he wakes up again, who knows how many other more realities he'll destroy? We need to act now."
After a few seconds of silence, Captain Ahab opened his stupid mouth again, "But where's the white whale?"
"Shuma-Gorath ate the whale, goddammit!" I yelled. "Haven't you been listening to anything we've been saying. Get your #&%$ together!"
"But…the whale was mine to kill! He ate me leg!"
"Well then, don't you want revenge on Shuma-Gorath for robbing you of the chance to kill the whale?"
"I guess."
I whispered to Sylvie, "That's what put him to sleep? Eating a lot? What, do timelines have a lot of tryptophan in them?"
Sylvie shrugged.
Next up with a question was John McClane, who asked, "What good am I exactly gonna be against a giant octopus from outer space?"
"I don't know," I said. "But if there's even the slightest chance you can redeem yourself after A Good Day to Die Hard, don't you want to take it? How 'bout we call this one…Old Habits Die Hard?"
"I don't know what the %&$# you're talking about, but I have another question too. Is nobody gonna address that this guy looks a hell of a lot like me?" He pointed to David Dunn.
"He sort of is you," I said. "Just like you're you," I pointed to Zeus Carver and Elijah Price, "and you're you." I pointed to Magik and Casey Cooke. "…And while we're at it, you're also you," I pointed to Harley Quinn and Flopsy Rabbit.
"How?" Harley asked.
"Well, you know how you've got Thor and Throg? Loki and Alligator Loki? Well maybe think of her as…Hare-ley Quinn."
"So there's another reality out there where I'm a rabbit?"
"More or less. Next question."
"Would-a a Mega Mushroom help us-a stop Shuma-Gorath?" Mario Mario asked.
"Maybe, maybe not. He is much bigger than you with a Mega Mushroom, but maybe you could distract Shuma-Gorath while the rest of us try to attack him. Then again, he is…huge. Like, bigger-than-an-entire-#&%$ing-timeline huge."
Mario cocked his head, "What-a does '#&%$ing' mean?"
I hung my head, "Nobody in your reality curses, do they?" What boring lives they must all lead.
"You got a job for a…mischief-maker?" Peter Rabbit asked.
Mario turned to him and asked, "Are-a you guys-a Star Bunnies?"
"If by stars you mean famous, then yes."
"Look, I don't have jobs for all of you yet. Loki's trying to charm over the New Galactic Republic of Earth-119 to see if we can get some starfighters to take into battle against Shuma-Gorath, but until then, we can't really do too much."
"So, these…starfighters…what exactly do they do?" Geralt of Rivia asked.
"Basically they fly and blow stuff up. By the way, I've always wanted to meet you. You're my hero."
"Uh…thanks?"
"What can we do to help?" Papa Smurf – yes, you heard me right; Papa Smurf was here – asked.
"Look, I don't even know if you're gonna be in the battle. We saved you out of obligation to save eight beings from every reality," – we agreed that Magik should count towards our total sum of saved beings – "but I just don't see you providing us with any sort of tactical advantage in this fight."
"We can sing."
"Yeah, and this isn't Pitch Perfect – no offense," I said to Beca Mitchell. "We don't need singing Smurfs unless it's gonna be to annoy Shuma-Gorath to death. However, I would very much not like to take the chance that my healing factor craps out and I get annoyed to death as well."
"Look, how about everyone just…mingle for now, make new friends?" Sylvie suggested. "Until Loki gets back, there isn't much we can do."
"Permission to kick Green Lantern's green, CGI ass?" I whispered.
"The last thing we need is infighting, so no."
I grumbled and surveyed the crowd. Venom seemed to be getting into an argument with Black Canary, which I was all but certain would end in Black Canary sonic-screaming at him since sound is one of Venom's weaknesses. Elsewhere, James Bond and Ethan Hunt seemed to be hitting it off, probably bonding (no pun intended) over a shared love of espionage.
"So…," Cable said, startling me as he walked up behind me, "you happy? I daresay this is one of the most chaotic situations you've ever been responsible for."
"I'm not responsible for this," I said, jerking my thumb towards a window in the Citadel. "Outer-Space-Cthulhu-Freakshow out there is."
"Yeah, but you decided to save these people."
"I'd imagine that showing prejudice to one reality over another is very hard for a superhero to live down."
"Keep telling yourself that."
I narrowed my eyes. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"Nothing."
Before I could argue any further, a TemPad portal opened on the far side of the stage and Loki emerged. Yep, we found a fully charged TemPad stuffed behind a couch in the Citadel. "I come bearing good news from Earth-119," he said. "General Leia Organa has agreed to let us borrow the New Republic's fleet to take into battle against Shuma-Gorath."
Everyone cheered. "Great," I said. "Now all we need is a plan of attack."
"Isn't the plan just blow him up?" John McClane asked.
"Or get a pack of rats inside his eye and have then eat him from the inside?" Harley asked.
Hmm…that is a strange coincidence, when you think about it. First Starro, now Shuma-Gorath. Going up against one-eyed sea creatures from space seems to be Harley's specialty. Then again, maybe it isn't a coincidence. Maybe the person writing this did that on purpose.
"No, no, I have an idea," I said, then turned to Magik. "Illyana, what's the biggest portal you've ever made?"
"Maybe six feet in diameter," she said.
"…Would you be open to trying six thousand feet in diameter?"
"That is impossible. And how would that help us?"
"Well, we trick Shuma-Gorath into entering it, then when he's halfway through, shut the portal and snip him in half."
"Sorry, can't do it."
"Well, in light of that, I'm thinking we should consider Harley's idea, or at least a variation of it. A plan's starting to put itself together up here," I tapped by head, "and it's not a half-bad one either. But first, let's head to Earth-119 and see what we have to work with."
Several minutes later, we had assembled in the Hosnian System of Earth-119. Oh, if only it knew what was coming its way in a few years thanks to Starkiller Base. Mustn't spoil anything…or maybe I will just for #$%&s and giggles. Laid out before us were 100 X-Wings, 40 Y-Wings, 30 A-Wings, 15 B-Wings, and two ridiculous-looking prototypes for an "Omega-Wing." Assuming Darkseid wasn't involved in their production, the name is a bit strange because I didn't know Greek letters existed in the Star Wars universe. Then again, Kylo Ren did have an Upsilon-class command shuttle, but that didn't exist yet, seeing as how we were only in the year 13 ABY.
"Well, guys, this looks like it's gonna be fun," I clapped by hands together. "We've got a bit of a surplus of ships, but too many is better than too few."
"How are we gonna get these ships through that?" Geralt pointed to the TemPad portal behind us.
"Uh…hmm. You bring up a good point."
"I might be able to augment it. Make it bigger," Magik said.
"That would work," I said. "Okay, MARVEL members, take your pick. Just not the Omega-Wings, they're a bit too…Apokolips-ish for my liking."
"I liked those best," Dopinder said.
"Sorry if I don't want Darkseid remotely hijacking our ships in midflight."
"Question," Clara Oswald raised her hand. "What about those of us who don't know how to fly these spaceships? And if the entire universe I lived in was destroyed, where am I gonna live now?"
"I don't know about your first question. I'll have to get back to you on that. For your second one, our current multiversal refugee plan is to move everyone to the Sacred Timeline. But look at the bright side: now you won't have to go back one day and face your death at the talons of ol' Corvus. You're welcome."
"You mean the Quantum Shade?"
"Yeah. He's a crow. Ergo, Corvus."
"Flying these things isn't that hard," Poe Dameron said from the crowd of Star Wars characters before us. "I can show you how."
"As long as it doesn't take too long. We don't know when Shuma-Gorath's gonna be back with a case of the munchies again. And just a friendly reminder, NO Omega-Wings!"
"Oh, that reminds me. We're also working on a new type of ship called the Buffalo-Wing. Its wings are shaped like buffaloes."
First omega, now buffalo wings? How are these Star Wars characters learning about so much non-Star Wars stuff? Seemingly no connection between the two either, unless Darkseid came here on Super Bowl Sunday or something.
"Flying these things can't be much harder than flying a Tardis," Ashildr said.
"What be a Tar-dis?" Captain Ahab asked.
"Tardive?" Harley asked. "Like tardive dyskinesia? That thing I see commercials about on TV? That's a real thing?"
"For #$&%'s sake, TARDIS, not TARDIVE DYSKINESIA!" I yelled. "Poe, please start teaching them the basics of how to fly. I'll check on how things are looking back in the Citadel."
I walked back through the TemPad portal and looked out a window in the Citadel. And to my horror, I saw Shuma-Gorath starting to move off the timeline he had been latched onto.
Oh $%#&.
I ran back into Earth-119 and said, "Guys, we've gotta hurry! Shuma-Gorath is waking up!"
"Already?" Sylvie asked.
"Yes, already. I guess timelines don't have as much tryptophan in them as I thought, but we have to hurry. Poe, have you taught everyone how to fly your starfighters yet?"
"I haven't even started," Poe said. "How quickly do you think someone can learn this stuff?"
"I don't know. Ask Spidey. He's the Star Wars guy."
"What do we do now?" Loki asked.
"C'mon, Sylvie, don't you have any magic hat of TVA tricks you can pull something out of and use against Shuma-Gorath? Anything you've learned going through the stuff in the Citadel?"
"…Actually, there is," she said. "The TVA used to use these creatures called Reapers to help them in erasing timelines from existence."
"Reapers?" Rose Tyler asked. "Big gargoyle things?"
"Exactly. Do you know them?"
"Yeah. I met some of them…a while back."
"The TVA used them to stop nexus events from happening, but after the death of He Who Remains, I recalled all of them back to the Citadel here. But some rogue ones have still been running around the timelines, causing havoc, and I've been trying to round them up."
"What, did He Who Remains have no shortage of strange creatures in his service?" I asked.
"So can you…control them somehow?" Rose asked. "Can you use them to fight Shuma-Gorath, even though he's not something they'd usually target."
"He Who Remains had a special ring that gave him control over them," Sylvie said. "Their inherent purpose was not to prevent nexus events from happening, but that was what He Who Remains used them for because of their close connection to time itself. Presumably, they'll do whatever I instruct them to."
"Great, so go Grim Reaper that hunk of calamari's ass while Poe teaches us about X-Wing-Flying 101, which you can probably learn at Disney World now, but why settle for a regular course on it when you've got a Masterclass at your fingertips? And Illyana, figure out how to make that damn TemPad bigger. This fleet's no good if we can't get it where we need it."
"So what are you gonna do then?" Magik said.
"Watch the Reapers take on Shuma-Gorath. I know how to fly my Dead-Jet, so an X-Wing can't be much harder, so I'll sit this lesson out. And for storytelling purposes, the readers probably want to know more about the Reaper battle than about a bunch of people being taught how to fly a spaceship the readers'll never get to fly."
"Wade, stop confusing us!" Colossus said.
I sighed and walked through the TemPad portal. I somehow doubt Colossus is even gonna fit in the cockpit of one of those things. Cable definitely wouldn't if he was as tall as he is in the comics. Six foot eight…yeah, no way in hell he would fit in there.
Sylvie grabbed from her desk and put on what guessed was the "Reaper Ring" and said, "Reapers. You are free to leave the Citadel. I command you to go forth and attack Shuma-Gorath, and only Shuma-Gorath. Deal no damage to realities under any circumstances."
A few seconds later, I saw a horde of flying creatures I assumed were the Reapers flying from a section at the bottom of the Citadel. Honestly they looked sorta creepy. And this coming from someone who once went to brunch with Slender Man. I don't even know why he was invited; the poor guy couldn't eat anything. He just sat there sadly poking at his food with his Venom-esque back tendrils. I gotta wonder if he was one of Stryker's experiments and that sick #$&% sewed all of his facial orifices shut instead of just the mouth like he did to me. Well…sort of me. The universally hated X-Men Origins: Wolverine version of me.
Shuma-Gorath inched his way down the timeline towards another reality, but being smaller, the Reapers were faster. They got to him first and the horde zeroed in on Shuma-Gorath's face. But the creep's big eye saw them coming, and he swatted at them with his tentacles. Several Reapers went flying aside into various unknown timelines. "Oh great," I said. "Now we've got them running amok, amok, amok, amok, amok too!"
"No, they're under my orders to not cause any damage to timelines. Just to Shuma-Gorath," Sylvie said.
The Reapers re-emerged from the timelines and attacked Shuma-Gorath again, but he began grabbing them and crushing them with his tentacles. I asked Sylvie, "Just wondering…what happens if our spaceships get whacked into a timeline like that? Can we just fly back out, or will we be stuck in there."
"The ships themselves would be stuck; the Reapers can only leave because of their temporal powers. However, I came across some other items in the Citadel-"
I'm starting to think Sylvie finding stuff in the Citadel is gonna be the weakest deus ex machina ever.
"-that could help us." She pulled open a drawer in her desk and took out several small, blue, square devices with a button on them. "These were used by TVA ships. They can attach to the dashboard oof any ship, and then if you push this button, it allows you to exit a timeline and return to…whatever this space is called outside the timelines."
"The…Macroverse," I suggested. Hmm. Maybe Shuma-Gorath is the true form of It. Interesting thought.
"…Sure," Sylvie said.
Meanwhile, several Reapers were swarming Shuma-Gorath's eye and scraping at it with their claws, but the giant octopus suddenly brought a tentacle up to his eye, splatting all the Reapers. Several others were knocked aside into more timelines.
Behind me, I heard screaming from Earth-119 and looked through the TemPad portal. What the heck now? Had Darkseid remotely taken over one of the Omega-Wings? Sylvie and I whirled around to see that two of the Reapers had materialized above the starfighters. "What the hell is that?" Poe yelled.
As soon as the Reapers appeared, they vanished again, leaving everyone confused. Everyone except, presumably, Rose and the Meta-Crisis Doctor. But as soon as the Reapers appeared, they disappeared again, returning to the battle with Shuma-Gorath.
The octopus, no longer deterred by the Reapers swarming him, latched onto another timeline and started draining its energy. "#$%&!" I yelled. "Illyana, we need another portal from you ASAP!"
She came back through the TemPad portal and said, "Where to now?"
"Earth-2893," Sylvie said. "Another one suffering an outbreak of zombies."
I groaned, "Why the #&%$ are zombies so common across the multiverse?!"
"You're sure you want me to open a portal to this place if it's filled with zombies?" Magik asked.
"Yeah. We just might need you to open another portal and trap any zombies we catch in Limbo for the time being, until we can set up a Zoo of the Multiverse to put them in."
"Wade, nobody likes your multiverse zoo idea."
"That's not true because I like it, so…yeah."
"And nobody likes you, so…да."
I scowled and decided to be the bigger person by dropping it…for now. Sooner or later, I'd find me a way to have the last word in this argument. "Fine, let's open a portal there and see what comes out."
Magik chanted a spell in whatever strange language she uses – Old English, Elvish, Nilfgaardian, whatever – and a portal suddenly opened before us. Out of it charged a horde of – what the #&%$?! Not regular zombies, but zombie chipmunks!
"Braiaiaiaiaiaiains!" one chittered in a warbly voice, almost literally scaring the crap outta me.
Once eight chipmunks had crossed into the Citadel, Magik shut the portal, hacking off the claws of another chipmunk who was about to enter. Four of the zombiemunks hightailed it (literally) towards me, and I kicked two of them into the far wall. Honestly, if Sylvie hadn't said they came from a zombie universe, I would've thought the chipmunks were just rabid. The zombiemunks charged me and Magik again, but Sylvie summoned a magical barricade across the center of the room, blocking them off from all three of us. Some of the chipmunks scratched at the translucent green wall, while the other headed for the TemPad portal to Earth-119. Magik blocked the TemPad with a portal to Limbo that the zombiemunks fell into.
"Must…eat…braiaiaiaiaiaiains!" one of the zombiemunks scratching at Sylvie's barricade chittered.
"Since when the #$&% do zombie viruses also grant the gift of speech?" I asked.
"Earth-2893 was home to talking animals before they were all zombified," Sylvie said. "The virus has nothing to do with it."
Right. Multiverse. That fits.
Magik opened another portal to Limbo under the remaining zombiemunks, then snapped it shut behind them. Sylvie took down her barricade, and, now that eight specimens from Earth-2893 had been preserved, we returned to the window. It then occurred to me that the zombiemunks might try eating each other. I don't know if it's ever been addressed if zombies will turn cannibalistic if their non-zombie food supply runs out. Well, even if they do, all we ever swore to do was save eight beings from each reality. What they do to each other afterwards isn't our fault. If Venom had bitten off Green Lantern's head, oops. Accidents happen.
The Reapers had apparently torn off one of Shuma-Gorath's tentacles and seemed to be hitting him on the head with it. These Reapers looked fearsome and all, but for crying out loud, only one tentacle? Given enough time and resources, Kevin #$& McCallister could've figured out a way to take a bigger chunk out of Shuma-Gorath by now!
Earth-2893 started crumbling off the Sacred Timeline, and Shuma-Gorath smashed dozens of the Reapers and his own severed appendage between two of his larger limbs. A huge splatter of purple blood exploded from the severed tentacle and landed on the Sacred Timeline. "Is that gonna impact the timeline in any way?" I asked.
Sylvie shrugged. "Circa 2034, it's gonna start raining purple blood all across the universe."
"Ha. Prince would have a hoot to learn that purple rain becomes a literal thing one day."
Shuma-Gorath lashed out at several more Reapers, but the majority of them managed to dodge his attack and continued clawing at him elsewhere. I walked back over to the TemPad portal and called, "Poe, have you taught them how to fly yet?! C'mon, chop, chop! Our pawns are getting massacred out there!"
"I'm almost done," he said, "but I don't exactly trust Harley Quinn with flying these things. She's a bit too trigger-happy for my liking!"
"Oh, please, she's no more reckless than you are! A few years from now, you're gonna help take down a gigantic First Order Dreadnought in just one $%#&ing X-Wing!"
"First Order?"
"Yeah. Believe it or not, I know your future. Luke Skywalker's on a planet called Ahch-To in the Unknown Regions. That'll save you a bunch of time." Poe and the other Star Wars characters looked at me incredulously. "Now c'mon, get your fleet ready!"
"Have you figured out how to get the portal bigger yet?"
"Uh…wait a second, we don't need to do that anymore. Sylvie, how many of those devices do we have that can transport a ship from a timeline into the Macroverse?"
"A dozen," she said a few seconds later.
"A dozen? C'mon, we've got 185 ships here; twelve of those things aren't gonna do #%&$ to help us!"
"Actually, it's 187," Poe interjected.
"Again, I am not counting the damn Omega-Wings!"
"Give me the devices," Magik said.
Sylvie handed them to her, and Magik's spell-casting began again, whatever the heck this spell was supposed to do. A few seconds later, the twelve devices flew from her hands and floated before her in a tight spiral, all linked by glowing pink energy. The spiral of devices began unwinding, but as it did, more materialized at the center of the spiral to take their places. So…duplication spell, I assume?
Damn, if only I had my phone with me. This looked like something straight outta Dungeons and Dragons.
Magik flicked her hand to the side, sending each of the devices flying onto one of our ships. Including, to my dismay, the Omega-Wings, which I think Illyana did just to piss me off.
"Everyone, pick a ship," I ordered. "Hurry it up. We just had to save eight zombie chipmunks from a reality Shuma-Gorath ate, so I's really like to stop him as soon as possible to decrease the chances of him eating another reality that we're then obligated to save eight wackjobs from."
All the members of the MARVEL dashed towards the spaceships and chose one. Venom walked over to a Y-Wing and dug hid claws into it. Symbiote slime trailed from his claws onto the spaceship until it was coated in it. Venom growled, "There. Now all three of us…we are VENOM!"
I've always wanted to hear him say that in person.
Across the airstrip, or whatever this was called where all the spaceships were parked, I saw the Smurfs climbing into a B-Wing. How the heck they were going to fly the ship I had no idea, but frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn. It looked as though Peter Rabbit and his leporine siblings were attempting something similar with a pair of A-Wings. Gimli the Dwarf was pushing a stepladder over to an X-Wing's cockpit so he could climb in, and some anthropomorphic felines from Earth-328 – apparently the world of Louis Wain's cat paintings – were scratching their way up the side of several Y-Wings.
I leapt into an X-Wing – traditional, not too showy like a B-Wing, which I personally don't remember ever appearing in any Star Wars movie. Then again, maybe it didn't – looking your way, First Order Heavy Scout Walker!
Once everyone had climbed into a spaceship, I tapped the intercom device on my X-Wing and said, "Okay, guys, let's lift off in three-"
"Who appointed you leader?" Sylvie asked.
"Uh, I did."
"Yeah, well I'm in the X-Wing appointed Red Leader, so I'm leader."
"No, I'm Blue Leader," Papa Smurf said.
"Pretty sure I'm Gold Leader," Harley said.
"I'm-a Green Leader," Luigi Mario said.
"Everyone, stop arguing," Poe said. "The ships here are divided into four squadrons, each with a 'leader' starfighter. But today we'll be scrapping that because none of you have ever flown before, and I will be leading all of you."
"I will have you knowing that I have a Dead-Jet that I have flown on many occasions," I said.
"And that is all good and well, but I know nothing about this Dead-Jet, so for all I know, that might not even be a valid comparison. Everyone, lift off in three, two, one!"
That's the exact same thing I was gonna say.
We all lifted our ships a few feet off the ground. The Smurfs and Rabbits did so a bit slower than the rest of us, but the fact that they managed to do it period was way beyond my expectations. Poe continued, "Hit your warp devices…NOW!"
We all did so, and my surroundings vanished. A bright blue light surrounded the ship – sorta like hyperspace, but it felt like the ship was trying to push its way through some stretchy material. Finally, the blue light tore open from the center and fell away to the sides of the X-Wing.
Before my X-Wing was a gigantic, writhing mass of green tentacles. Within a few seconds, the rest of the ships in our MARVEL fleet appeared around mine. Gotta say, though, Shuma-Gorath looked a hell of a lot bigger up close than he did from the Citadel.
"Holy #&$%!" Harley exclaimed. "How the hell are we supposed to take down this thing?!"
"Blow it to kingdom come, I guess," I said.
"Concentrate your fire on the eye," Sylvie said. "I read that's its weak spot."
"Like a Dalek's eyestalk," the Meta-Crisis Doctor said.
Our fleet flew around to Shuma-Gorath's front, and we saw that he was getting closer to his next intended meal. Several Reapers were still harassing him too, but their number was ever-dwindling. "How about some of us try to blow off another tentacle for the Reapers to spank his aquatic ass with?" I suggested.
"Again, you're not the leader, but that is a solid idea," Sylvie said. "Green Squadron, break off and attack his tentacles. The rest of us, blast him in the eye with everything you've got!"
"And then are some of us gonna fly into his eye and blow him up from the inside?" Harley asked as Green Squadron broke off.
"Like you did – er, will do – at Starkiller Base, Poe," I said.
"What the hell is Starkiller Base?" Poe asked.
"I was thinking more like Starro, but that works too," Harley said.
"That's not a bad idea," Poe said. "Sylvie, have the Reapers fall in with us and redouble their attacks on his eye. Red, Blue, Gold Squadrons, let's go!"
We flew under a cluster of Shuma-Gorath's tentacles and came around the side of his massive body, approaching his eye. As we did, the Reapers who were still pestering him halted their attacks and flew over to join us. "Shame this guy doesn't have a head we can bite off," Venom said.
"You wouldn't even be able to eat it if he did," Loki said.
"Oh yeah? Watch us!"
Venom's Y-Wing flew ahead of the rest of our ships and opened fire on the monster's eye. He flinched away from the attack as several Reapers swooped in as well and swung their scythe tails into his eyeball. Our ships opened fire on him too, and suddenly a mass of tentacles slammed down towards us from above. "Scatter!" Poe yelled, and several of our ships swerved to escape Shuma-Gorath's attack.
Unfortunately, I was too slow. An unusually thick tentacle crashed towards me from above, slamming my X-Wing down into an unknown timeline below me.
Everything vanished like it had when we exited Earth-119, but a few seconds later I could see again. I seemed to be flying just below the cloud cover above a snowy city. This was strange. I always imagined getting whacked into a timeline and winding up somewhere in deep space with nothing around. But to materialize right in a planet's atmosphere…weird. I looked down below and saw that I was flying high over what looked to be a schoolyard. And-
You've gotta be mother&$%#ing kidding me.
This was the world of Frosty the #$%&ing Snowman! Sure enough, there was Frosty down there, getting built, his stupid existence about to begin. Well, even if it took a couple minutes away from fighting Shuma-Gorath, I was gonna spare the multiverse this crap-fest that people somehow revere as a holiday tradition year after year.
I landed the X-Wing in an empty lot a few blocks away, then trotted back towards the school. A few people cast me odd glances, which I felt was distinctly hypocritical given that everyone in this reality has nonsensically proportioned body part sizes. Or maybe they think their bodies look normal and mine is strange, so…fine, fair enough.
I reached the schoolyard and vaulted over the wire fence surrounding it. "Hey there, mister," one of the kids said to me. "Who are you?"
"I'm…an acrobat," I said. "You know how your teacher hired that magician to occupy you for school today because she was sick of you little #$%&s and wanted to leave for Christmas break as soon as possible? Well, I'm an accompanying acrobatic act."
"We're building a snowman," another kid said. "All that's left is the hat."
"Oh, the hat you stole?" I said. "Well, that's fine. I generally condone stealing-" When it furthers my own goals, as it did here. "-so go ahead, hat that guy up."
They placed the hat on Frosty's head, and I gripped the hilt of one of my katanas. This is for wasting half an hour of my life with your goddamn Christmas special, you stupid snowman! For that matter, he doesn't even look like a $&%#ing snowman. Snowmen have stick arms and no legs! God, where did these kids learn how to make a snowman?
The frozen creep sprang to life and started to say the dumbest line in the entire multiverse, "Happy-"
"#$%&ING BIRTHDAY!" I finished, unsheathing my katana and swinging it through Frosty's head. Snow sprayed everywhere and his hat flew onto the ground, where, a few seconds later, the magician found it and picked it up.
"You killed him!" one of the kids yelled at me.
"Was it even really a him? I mean, seriously, the thing had no reproductive organs whatsoever. So it's genderless. And you're welcome, by the way," I said to the magician, who, as far as I care, isn't even a villain.
"I'm traumatized!" another kid wailed.
Oh my God, this was getting stupider and stupider by the second. I turned back to the fence and called, "De nada, y me despido de ti," to the kids before vaulting over the fence and running back to my X-Wing.
Apologies, dear readers, if I've just spoiled fond Christmas memories for you. You got a problem, take it up with Spideypool52, not me.
I hopped back into the X-Wing and pressed the device to return me to the Macroverse. As soon as I arrived, Sylvie called to me, "Wade, what took you so long to get back out here?"
"I took a brief detour killing Frosty the Snowman," I said. "Now he won't be menacing the multiverse anymore."
The responses I got fell into one of three camps. There was Group A, who didn't know what the hell I was talking about (Poe, Captain Ahab, the Smurfs, etc.); there was Group B, who was disgruntled that I supposedly killed one of the most beloved characters ever (Peter Rabbit, Colossus, even Venom, etc.); and then there was Group C, who yelled, "Haha! I always hated that jackass!" (Harley).
Who knew we were so alike?
And, of course, Sylvie, who said, "Wade, that's not how the multiverse works. Frosty is still alive; all you did was create a branch universe where you killed him. A branch universe that you will also be cataloging."
#$&%.
Barely a second later, Shuma-Gorath flung two Reapers into James Bond's B-Wing. No, not Green Lantern's A-Wing, which was no more than a few yards away, the destruction of which would have confirmed for me that there's sense of justice in this multiverse, noooo.
Well, anyway, this just got real. At least, I expect it did for everyone other than me, given that I can't die. "Did we just lose Bond?" Loki asked.
"Yep," I confirmed. "Earth-007 is now down to double-o-seven survivors."
Suddenly, a large explosion came form the rear side of Shuma-Gorath, and through some strange means, the monster managed to roar despite not having a fricking mouth. I wheeled the X-Wing around and opened fire on Shuma-Gorath's eye some more, then saw what the explosion was. Green Squadron had succeeded in blowing off one of the octopus's larger tentacles, and it was lazily floating through the cosmos. "Reapers, get the tentacle!" Sylvie ordered.
Most of the Reapers ceased their attack on Shuma-Gorath's eye and flew around his side to grab the tentacle. Meanwhile, our lasers didn't seem to be doing #$&% against the giant eye. They would hit it and explode, but it looked like it was annoying Shuma-Gorath at best, and even that might've just been because the clouds of smoke resulting from the explosions made it hard to see.
"This isn't working," Poe stated the obvious. "I didn't want to try this unless we absolutely had to because we have a limited supply of them, but switch to proton torpedoes, everyone. Launch them on my count. One…two…three!"
All of us blasted our proton torpedoes at Shuma-Gorath's eye, and in the resulting explosion, I mistakenly got my hopes up that it had worked. But then the beast came charging through the cloud of smoke, his eye a bit bloodshot but otherwise undamaged. His tentacles lashed everywhere, and one once again slammed onto my X-Wing, sending me hurtling into another timeline.
This time, when I reappeared, I was in deep space, falling towards the strangest castle I had ever seen. It was really just four green and blue walls containing a pit of lava and a few rocky footholds, with two tiny planets hovering above the castle. Extending from the front of the structure was a wooden pathway with a few turns in it…and my X-Wing was heading right for the pathway. I tried pulling up on the controls, but was too late. The X-Wing crashed into the wooden platform, surprisingly damaging neither my ship nor the wood.
Farther down the platform was – Mario?! But didn't his universe get destroyed? Unless there's multiple alternate realities of the Super Mario franchise, and only one of them got destroyed by Shuma-Gorath.
Mario seemed to be yelling something at me, so I opened the cockpit and called, "What did you say?"
"Alright, what the heck is your stupid name?" Mario said. "'Cause I've heard quite a few recently. Frank the Flaptack. Eli the Elite Octoomba. What's yours?"
Okay, this Mario was distinctly crabbier than the one I knew. For that matter, I didn't even know what Mario game we were in here – I've never followed the franchise too closely. "My name's Deadpool," I said. "But feel free to also call me the Merc with a Mouth."
"What sort of flippin' name is that?"
Okay, I'd had enough of this. "The sort of name that's gonna kick your ass if you keep up the attitude. I've already killed Frosty the Snowman today – don't think I have any qualms about going two-for-two."
"Oh, so you think you're some sort of tough guy, do ya? C'mon, tough guy! Show me what you got!"
As much as I didn't want to waste time fighting Mario, nobody talks to Wade %#$&ing Wilson (yep, my legal middle name) that way. So I got out of the X-Wing, grabbed one of my katanas, and flipped it through the air so I was holding the blade. Mario approached me, and at the last second, I swung the katana and smashed its hilt right into his balls.
"OWWWWWWWW!" Mario screamed, actually flying through the air over the platform's guardrail and hurtling through space. Sorry, dude, but that's what happens when you mess with Deadpool.
Back to the battle I went, to find that it hadn't really changed since the last time I was there: the giant octopus still dominating the show, Reapers occasionally getting smashed like bugs on a windshield, and most of the remaining Reapers whacking Shuma-Gorath on the head with the dismembered tentacle.
"C'mon, die, you asshole!" Cable yelled, continuing his attack.
"Wade, what took you so long again?" Sylvie asked.
"Had a brief fight with Mario," I said.
"But I'm-a right here," Mario said.
"No, a bad-tempered variant of you. Whacked him in the nuts and then threw him into space."
"That's horrible," Captain Toad said.
"Well, like I said, he was very bad-tempered. He had it coming."
"And you're not?" Cable asked.
"He's got you there, from what I've seen of you," Rose said.
…Fair point.
"None of this is working," Poe said. "We'd need a weapon a hell of a lot bigger than anything our ships have to blow a hole in that thing's eye."
"Like one of our actual ships," John McClane said.
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"If one of us flew our ship into his eye, that might do it, right?"
"Yes, but whoever did it would probably die," Loki said, "Which would make you the best candidate for the task, Deadpool."
"Oh, come on! I've gotta be the narrator! Even though I won't die, I'll probably get knocked unconscious or something and then miss the rest of the battle."
"If one of us does it, we'll die!"
"How about Venom? Can't he just heal himself or something?"
"Not if flying into him causes an explosion," Venom said. "Fire's one of our weaknesses, you moron."
I groaned, "Crying shame we don't have the actual Doctor with us. He could just fly into Shuma-Gorath and then regenerate."
"Yeah, why didn't you save the Doctor, for that matter?" Martha Jones asked.
"Because in your universe, he died in 2017 on a Mondasian colony ship after being literally shot in the back by his best frenemy, the Master. We haven't been using time-travel to save people, just space travel. But back to the point, I'm not flying my ship into Shuma-Gorath! Then I couldn't relay the battle to readers."
"Wade, stop being a selfish asshole and just do it!" Sylvie yelled.
"I'm hardly being selfish, because I'm looking out for the readers' best interests, but-"
And unfortunately, that's the last thing I remember of the battle, dear readers. Because next thing I knew, I was waking up in a bedroom in the Citadel. "Ugh…what the hell happened?" I said.
"Oh good, you're awake," Sylvie said, and I turned to see her looking out a window a few feet to the left of my bed.
"Did we win?"
"No thanks to you. When you refused to fly your ship into Shuma-Gorath, I enchanted you and made you do it myself. The explosion knocked you out, and you've been asleep for the past two days."
"Did it at least look cool when my ship flew into him."
"You would have loved it. Ocular fluid and blood vessels and other giant octopus body parts flying everywhere. Venom thought it was neat too, but then you had others like Peter Rabbit and the Smurfs, who I think actually threw up after seeing it."
"And then what?"
"Poe flew into the hole in Shuma-Gorath's eye and blew him up by blasting his insides with a salvo of lasers and proton torpedoes. We collected all his remains and the Reapers are currently feeding on them in their quarters."
"Quarters? They're giant bat-gargoyle-scorpion things."
"No excuse to house them in worse conditions than ours."
I got out of the bed. "So how are things coming with transporting everyone to the Sacred Timeline?"
"Not too bad. Most of the mutants from Earth-TRN1107 have set themselves up in Westchester County, near where the X-Mansion was in their universe. The Birds of Prey set themselves up in the Big Apple, claiming it's a lot like Gotham. However, this whole fiasco has lead me to realize something."
"What? That just having one timeline wasn't really so bad?"
"No. Having the TVA around keeping new timelines from forming wasn't good, but…the multiverse does need some sort of oversight to make sure it doesn't destroy itself."
"I like where you're going, but I'm pretty sure the Watcher's already done it."
"The Watcher assembled the Guardians of the Multiverse, yes, but he hesitates to interfere with events. I could be wrong, but I don't recall him showing up to help us fight Shuma-Gorath."
"Point well made. So I'm assuming your thinking of setting up your own team. Any candidates in mind?"
"Oh, the team's already a thing, and I've already talked it over with everyone else."
"What?!"
"You were unconscious."
"Yeah, not through my own choice!"
"And if not for me making you do that, we might all be dead."
"So who's on this team so far? Barfy Smurf, I bet?"
"Not too many of them agreed to it – it seems the battle with Shuma-Gorath was more than enough excitement for most of them, or they wanted to think smaller. You know, defend against threats from within the Sacred Timeline. So far, the Guardians consist of me, Loki, Illyana, Rose, the Meta-Crisis Doctor, and Harley."
Hmm…nothing against any of them. Except the two Lokis, but, as much as I hate to admit it, they're obvious choices. After all, they were the ones who helped create the Multiverse in the first place.
"And now you're asking me to join, right?" I asked.
"You would be useful, from a purely logistical perspective," Sylvie said. "You know, with your healing factor and all. And if it comes to it, we could just use you as cannon fodder."
She starts off by complimenting me, and finishes by insulting me. That's low.
Well, I do work better as a solo act. Always have. And yet, solo-act me would've been #%&$ed against Shuma-Gorath, or heck, even just Juggernaut. The threats keep getting bigger, and it seems like if the powers that be are gonna let me be in the fights against them, I've gotta be on a team. I mean, seriously. I dare Marvel Studios to ever make another movie where there's just one superhero in it. Now it's all "Thor teams up with the Guardians of the Galaxy!" and "Black Panther teams up with Ironheart!" and "Captain Marvel teams up with Ms. Marvel!" No longer are these the days when Sam Raimi could name-drop Doctor Strange and then never show him.
Times change. I guess you gotta change with them or be left behind and forgotten.
"Ah, what the #&$%?" I said. "Sure. I'll join your team."
Sylvie gave the closest thing to a smile I think she'll ever give me. "Great. Then let's go have our first official meeting."
A/N: Whew – thanks for sticking with the story to the end! I know it got a bit multiverse-crazy, and sorry if I ruined your holiday season by having Deadpool kill Frosty. It was just a very Deadpool thing for him to do.
Concerning Deadpool's fight with Mario, that's set in the universe of my other fanfic "Mario's Galactic Tale." The fight takes place at Bowser Jr.'s Fiery Flotilla, which will be covered in the next set of chapters I post to "Mario's Galactic Tale." So be sure to check that out if you want to read about the encounter from Mario's perspective as well.
So in case you're wondering, I do have an upcoming fanfic planned about the adventures of Sylvie's Guardians of the Multiverse, but I don't plan on starting it right away. Keep an eye out for it anyway!
Please leave a review – I love getting them!
Happy Holidays!
