"So, how was your first day?" he inquired over the top of his coffee.
The diner was quiet and subdued. It gave them a chance to reacquaint themselves to each other. And, it was very un-Vegas, to which Sara was quite thankful. There would be more days in the future to see the Vegas style, leaving this day to adjust herself to the temporary new life.
Sara eyed him suspiciously over the top of her own cup. She was amazed at how good he still looked. Over the five years they had been apart, Sara had almost believed she had imagined his handsome features. Time had treated him quite fairly. Each grey hair on his head made him look even sexier.
From the moment she had seen him on the street, Sara had vowed to herself to keep it all professional unless he gave her an indication that it was more than that. Hell, he invited her to Las Vegas. Should that not have been enough to believe that he missed her? For anyone else, maybe, but not Gil Grissom. He was one person not easily read.
She thought back over her first day in the Las Vegas Crime Lab. Grissom had made it clear that he wanted her to be comfortable and gave her all the accommodations afforded to the regularly assigned CSIs. Specifically, he made sure she had a locker and a laptop to get the day started.
The locker had been just as useless as the laptop. All of her belongings were at her hotel, and the report she had written was completely disregarded by Grissom in search of some higher peace. It had been easy to crack the case, and Sara had felt up to the challenge. It made her feel good to be trusted and needed. The fact that he ignored her report, keeping Warrick on the roster did indeed piss her off.
Sara felt ill at ease with most of the group. Warrick had been overly defensive with her, but he was under a lot of stress with impending termination hanging over his head. Catherine had been hostile at first, but had proven to be a good CSI. No one had made her feel overtly welcome, but that was to be expected considering she was investigating one of their own. It was not an ideal situation.
Grissom had warned her that it would happen, and Sara, likewise, knew it would as well. He assured her that he had told them about his trust in her, but that would never assuage the fear of her being an outsider. He summoned Sara to Vegas and propelled her into his small group, giving no other explanation than she was a trusted friend, and expected them to feel the same.
"It had its ups and downs," she replied vaguely, wanting to avoid the subject of how alone she actually felt.
"I'm sorry. I know that this is a... tense situation for you. I'd understand if you left before life got too complicated." Grissom stared into the depths of his coffee cup.
"Life is in itself complicated. Why start ducking and covering now?" She managed a small smile despite how rotten she was feeling.
"So, you said ups and downs. What were the ups?" Grissom asked with a crooked smirk.
Sara placed her cup on the table and fidgeted with her fork for a moment. "Well, the ups, huh? Where to start? There was the almost getting groped on the plane incident, the investigation of a fellow CSI, the meeting of hostile people, the useless report... wait, you said ups... well, there was the nap on the plane and getting to see you again, even if it is under such circumstances." Sara's tone held a hint of irritation in the beginning, but had softened somewhat by the time she finished.
Grissom tipped his head and studied her while she was speaking. He took no offense to her words as he knew she was tired, and it was a tense situation. It did sting a little, hearing her mention the report. He knew Warrick and trusted him, placing faith in the CSI that nothing like that would ever happen again. Grissom could only hope that Sara would take the chance to do the same. She might never be able to understand everything since she had been brought in only to investigate it.
Only to investigate. If that were really the only reason she was there. Grissom would not and could not even admit to himself that it was his own selfish desire to have her near him that he had called her. She was the first person he could think of to call upon when he had gotten the news. He wanted and needed her near him to make it all complete – to give him the strength he needed to continue.
He had never told Sara how much she had done for him in the previous five years. Her presence alone, though not physically with him, but always there, was enough to sustain him in his roughest hours when he thought the world would break him. She had been an ear to listen and a voice to reassure him. She had been a sounding board for ideas, a helping hand for a stalled case, and an anchor to hold him still when life got rough. He loved her youthful vigor with which she approached her job. It was refreshing in a sea of burnouts.
"I'm sorry this wasn't what you expected, Sara," he stated rather regretfully, searching her eyes.
"I didn't expect anything. I came here to help you."
"So, does that mean you're staying for a while?" His voice was incredibly hopeful.
"It does. You can't get rid of me that easily. I told you that I'm here until you get tired of me."
Grissom's mouth opened before he could process what he was doing. "I would never tire of you, Sara." Immediately his face blushed with a light pink, and he shifted his gaze out the window.
Sara yawned in spite of the situation. She was not bored with the conversation or the company, but she had barely slept in the previous forty hours. Before letting her hopes get the better of her, hearing Grissom's last admission, she made a flippant remark about it. "Well, apparently I'm tired in general. Working a quadruple will do that to you, unfortunately. I think I'm going to retire back to my hotel room and sleep until shift starts."
"Quadruple? God, Sara, I had no idea. You should have said something to me." His brow creased in frustration at her stubbornness. He knew she had not told him because of his request and hurry to have her respond to the situation.
"I'll be okay after five or six hours of sleep, seriously." She rolled her eyes.
"Take tonight off. Get adjusted to the new environment. Look for a place to stay more permanently – a hotel will get old after a while," he offered.
"I'll be in tonight. I wouldn't want to let the rest of the team think they scared me off. If I'm going to work with them for any length of time, I'll need to make myself part of their lives, fit into the routine. I'll use tomorrow during the day to take care of the necessities."
Sara found an apartment that would allow her a lease in three-month increments. She assumed that would be sufficient to allow ample time for Grissom to find a replacement. He made no move to do so, which caused Sara to wonder if he was waiting on her to say that she was leaving before he made the effort.
She had gone back to San Francisco briefly on her first couple of consecutive days off to retrieve her car. She collected some of her more personal belongings and boxed everything else up to place it in storage until the time came to go back. The money she made as a CSI paid the bills, but it was nowhere near enough to pay rent on two places just to do a favor for a friend. And, she was still planning on leaving Vegas, so there was no reason to bring everything with her.
It was semi-uncomfortable to not have all of her possessions with her, but she had learned early on to pack light. At some point she knew she would have a sense of normalcy in her life again when she settled back into a permanent job.
She took one entire day to brief another CSI about the cases she had investigated to bring them up to speed for trial. She gave her contact information in Vegas to Ben. She asked to have all of her vacation time cashed in, to which Ben agreed. Sara had acquired about eighteen weeks, never having taken a true vacation. The money would help her with deposits getting settled back in Vegas.
Grissom had always been good at forgetting the small things around him. He detested paperwork with a passion, and, quite possibly, seeing her every day caused him to forget that he had only asked her there temporarily. Sara had never put down roots anywhere for too long, and was never adept at making friends. So, it would be easy to move on when it came time to go back to San Francisco, just as it was to fly to Vegas on a whim.
That was not to say that she had not found friendships at the places she worked, but they were just not the strong friendships she carried with her. She became attached to people, like anyone would, but it had always been a given that people were not an integral part of her life. People lied and cheated and were untrustworthy in general.
It had been slightly over fourteen months after arriving in Vegas when Sara was contemplating her latest case that he considered leaving and going back to San Francisco. She had almost used the word home, but home is only where someone finds comfort. Comfort was something Sara Sidle had not felt in... well, most of her life.
For the first time in a long time, Sara felt alone. Maybe it was the similarities between herself and the victim, Donna Marks in regards to their empty existence. She had no one, and was well aware of that. Her life was her work, and even her apartment reflected that. The night before, even after she purged her home of all the paraphernalia reminding her of her singleness, Sara still felt no better.
Calling Hank had been a momentary lapse in judgment, but it felt good to have some human contact. She was considering calling him to cancel the date. It felt bad to string him along when she was considering leaving town. Well, it was just one date, she had reasoned with herself. She did not find herself really attracted to him, but it might be just the distraction she needed.
Something to get her out of the house, to take her mind off of work. As hard as it was for Sara to admit, he paid more notice to her than Grissom had in the time she had been in Vegas. Hank was not the most astute or the funniest or anything she was interested in, but he had at least shown her some attention. Greg had even shown interest in her, but Sara would not chance ruining that friendship over something she knew would never work.
"Sara?" Grissom asked from behind her before he walked around to sit at his desk.
With her elbows on her knees, Sara's hands cradled her chin. She had sought refuge in Grissom's dark office while waiting on some DNA results from Greg. She had known that Grissom would show up at some point and interrupt her quiet time, but it was still unexpected when he did.
She looked up reluctantly, meeting his eyes halfheartedly. His eyes were warm and comforting. Comforting? Sara felt her world slip a little right at that moment. She finally felt comfort in the eyes of a man who had barely made himself available to her in the months she had been in Vegas.
What had she expected, though? He had only invited her to help him. It had not been like she had been invited to spend the rest of her life with him. It was work, and it most likely always would be. It still did nothing to quell the hope that lived inside her. That hope had festered in her soul for five years until that fateful phone call, and it only proved itself more when she had seen him in person.
He had worked at closing people out of his life. Sara remembered seeing him in San Francisco that first time, and he seemed inherently different. He appeared alive and happy. Their e-mails, the phone calls, they all made him seem so different, so human. After seeing his reactions to some of the cases they had worked, Sara began to question herself and her vision of him.
Sure, he had tried to reach out a few times to her, but it was not a long reach. Grissom had watched Sara cry over a case, and offered her an ear to listen. He offered advice about diversions, and at the time it seemed like he cared. A couple of weeks later Grissom had his own emotional case. He had been affected deeply, but quickly recovered and became distant again.
These were some of the same incidents they had discussed while being physically separated, but being close changed everything. It was hard to reach out to him for some undefined reason when he was within reach. His eyes were sometimes too much to look into.
"Yeah, Grissom?" she asked.
Maybe he felt guilty about putting Warrick in charge while he and Catherine away. Or maybe he felt guilty about not spending as much time with Sara after she had been in Vegas for the first year. Or maybe it was her comment about e-mail. He could not pinpoint the moment he made the choice. It was more like a gradual realization that he was about to lose Sara.
Grissom had been struggling with his emotions being so close to Sara. It was harder to be near her than he believed possible. With the distance between them, he was able to allow her behind his tough veneer. With her here, he was in fear of his world as he knew it crumbling at his feet.
His entire balance was thrown off just knowing she was at hand, but having her close was something he feared losing more. He had to find a way to keep her close and still keep his distance. Grissom knew there was no going back to the remote correspondence because he could not give up seeing her every day. In losing that correspondence, he was also losing his friend.
He thrust out his hand. Sara looked quizzically at what he was holding before raising an eyebrow in question. She remained seated in the visitor's chair, still holding her chin. The thin plastic card in his hand was taunting her.
"I think this is long overdue," he stated flatly, holding his arm outstretched firmly over the top of his desk.
Sara averted her eyes from his hand to his face to the card. She removed her right arm from supporting her head and took the card from Grissom's hand. The picture stared back at her.
"Grissom..."
"I know. It's still your decision. You don't have to choose now. You can take some time to think it over, but I wanted to put the offer on the table. You're an asset to this team and this lab."
"Why now? Why after all this time?" she squeaked out.
Grissom sighed, contemplating his words. "I... I don't really have a good reason for why today. All I can say is that it's something I should've done a long time ago." He looked around the office as if to find some inspiration to tell her what he wanted her to know. His fear was that he would tell her too much. Grissom was desperate.
""I don't know. I just don't know," she stated hesitantly.
"As I said, it's your decision." He paused for a moment, gauging her reaction. "If you're worried about your standing in San Francisco, I'll talk to Ben. You've been an asset to the team, and I don't want to find someone else to work here."
"You haven't tried to find anyone else, have you?"
He sidestepped her question with deliberate ease. "When I called you here, you dropped your life to come to Vegas. I never gave you anything... any stability. You were caught between here and San Francisco – in limbo... It's not fair to leave you in that position. I can offer you this."
Sara stared at the badge as if it held the answers to all of life's riddles. This would be a sense of permanence she had not had since leaving San Francisco. She had been waiting on the other shoe to drop and have Grissom tell her it was time to leave. Instead, he was offering her a permanent place on the night shift with him.
It was ironic how she could be feeling so isolated one minute, only to find out a short while later that Grissom, of all people, was offering her a new family. She wanted to say yes with every ounce of her being, but her head was holding her back. Something in Grissom's delivery of the offer was amiss. She missed what they had before they were on the same team.
It was great to get to work with him. And, when Sara admitted it to herself, it was awesome to get to be around him almost every day. To see the man work and have his guidance was everything she could ask for. The part that held her back was the feeling of loneliness that she felt when she was around him. He was holding part of himself back from her – the part she had had when they were not living in the same city.
One moment he made her feel wanted and needed and valued, while the next moment he caused her to feel like a burden and questioning her own worth. Maybe that was just the part of him that she had never seen before she came to work with him. He had been her equal when they were apart, but in Vegas she was working for him.
"I'll, uh, think about this, okay? Not that I don't appreciate the gesture, but... It's just that a lot of... everything will change if I accept this."
"Nothing will change except the badge that you carry."
And, that idea scared her more than everything changing. If nothing changed, then Grissom would continue down his dark path leading away from her. What concerned her more than that was quite possibly the fact that they could not return to what they had before she came to work for him.
She left his office and the lab, heading home for a night of quiet thought. She barely got through the door of her apartment before the flood of emotions took hold of her. She dropped her bag and keys on the bar and walked to the refrigerator. Grabbing a bottle of water, she slumped against the wall. She pried herself from the wall after a moment's contemplation.
Sara dropped her SFPD Crime Lab badge on the counter and pulled the LVPD one out of her purse to place it beside the other. How different she looked in each picture. Her old one was a distinctly different picture – a much younger and more naïve Sara stared up at her. The new one was sporting her most recent hair and knowingly sad smile. She recognized the picture at once. Two weeks ago, everyone had to go in and update their personnel records. New pictures were taken of all the employees for their replacement badges, and even though Sara was not there officially, HR insisted she get one as well to put in her file.
It had been a briefly sad moment in her life when she watched everyone receive a new badge. She felt like one of the group going in, but felt remorse for her temporary status when she walked out of the room. What a difference a couple of days could make. Oh, so it is true. Be careful what you wish for. God, I'm falling into clichés now.
She could not go back to the woman she had been a little over a year ago. Too much had happened. She could not go back to the hopeful, yet broken, woman who had waited patiently beside the phone and impatiently waited for her computer to boot up to check her e-mail, hoping for some form of contact from him.
She could now be the woman watching him from across the lab, scrutinizing his every movement, holding onto the hope that he would make some kind of contact with her. She would watch with bated breath to catch a glimpse of him with his guard down, wondering if that was the man she used to know.
Nothing would change; Grissom was right. It was simply because everything had already changed. The moment she agreed to stay in Vegas past finishing her report was the turning point. A line had been crossed, and there was now a wall in its place. There was only one choice to make.
She clipped the LVPD badge on the waistband of her jeans. It was crisp and clean feeling. Almost like a fresh start was awaiting her, even though she knew there was none in sight. She walked around her apartment aimlessly.
Sara surveyed herself in the full-length mirror in her bedroom. Technically, she knew she was the same person as she had been that evening before work, but something felt different. It was looking at herself at that moment that Sara recognized something had changed.
It was not a recent or sudden change by any means. Sara realized that she and Grissom had already changed. They were hardened and molded by the passage of time. They were employee and supervisor, no longer friend and confidant. It was too late to reclaim what they had. Hopefully, Sara looked out onto the horizon for a more prolific future.
It was like looking at herself for the first time.
The End... or beginning... Well, it's the beginning of the end... erm... the end of the beginning. Oh, never mind, it's the end of this story. Gah!
