Chapter Seven
Conversations, soul mates and meditation
Over the next week, Snape and Hermione established some kind of routine – Hermione spent her days brewing in the private labs of the Potions Master and her evenings were spent in his office where they viewed her memories. Afterwards they could spend hours talking about what they had seen, how Hermione had felt and how a specific action in a memory could have damaged her magical core. It didn't start out this way though. No, the first time they had discussed memories was of course the evening after the first dive into the Pensieve. It had been awkward and tense, but once they finally got through the rough barrier, they managed to have a fulfilling conversation and from there on it more or less flowed naturally.
Snape seemed to think that the key element for Hermione's wonky magic lay in the fact that Ron was both abusive in his words and in his actions, but more importantly that he wasn't only using magic against her, nor was he only using brutal force. He was combining them and this together with his disrespect to Hermione's wants and wishes for her own life caused Hermione's soul to shut down – along with her magic. Ron was supposed to love her and when his actions showed her that he didn't, her soul hadn't automatically shut down. They had to be soul mates for that.
"Soul mates?" Hermione had asked him, her eyebrows raised in surprised. "That's a real concept in the magical world?"
"It is indeed, Miss Granger," Snape had answered, a tiny smile playing on his lips. "But it's not only a concept in the magical world, you know. It is just as real in the muggle world, only they are not aware of it and, of course, it manifests differently for them. It is a rare occurrence that soul mates find each other in the magical world – it's even rarer in the muggle world."
"Do you know of any soul mates in the recent years that have found each other?"
Snape had given her a sad look then, almost as if it pained him to think about it.
"Only one couple," he had told her very slowly, and just when she thought he would leave it at that, he had continued. "James and Lily Potter."
Hermione's jaw had dropped and she had so wanted to ask more about it. But the look in Snape's eyes had made her keep her mouth shut. They had gazed at each other for a moment and then Snape had gone back to real issue by informing Hermione that she and Ron clearly weren't soul mates.
"How do you know?" she had of course asked him.
"Because, Miss Granger, if you were, he would never have been able to treat you the way he has. Soul mates are bonded through their souls – whatever pain he caused you, he would feel it as well. Only for him, it would be much worse. You see, he would have shared your soul and if he inflicted intentional pain to it, it would rip his own soul apart."
They had left the discussion on soul mates there. Instead they started talking about why she had stayed with him for so long. The main reason, Hermione had claimed, was that she was supposed to be with him, or so everyone had kept telling her. That's why she had stayed, to start with. She believed somehow that his behavior would cease when they settled down together, that it was her fault that he was so insecure of himself. She knew better then anyone how he had always hated to be in his brothers shadows, that even before he started Hogwarts he knew that he could never be better than any of them. Then he had met Harry Potter and maybe, just maybe, he wouldn't only be just known as "one of the Weasley kids". Well, that mission had been accomplished. But instead, he got branded as something else – "Harry Potter's best friend" – and during all his years at Hogwarts, he had been in the shadow of the famous Harry Potter, Dumbledore's Golden Boy, savior of the Wizarding world.
This had all been kind of okay, as long as Hermione had shared that label. Sure, she had always been smart and done really well in school, but she wasn't more known or more popular than Ron. On the contrary, she had been less popular due to her bossiness and her tendency of scolding people in various ways. She had become as famous as Harry over night when she graduated. Hermione had always thought that this was the catalyst for Ron's behavior. But now she knew that it had started much earlier than that, as soon as she had said that she wanted something more than to just be a housewife.
"There is of course nothing wrong with being a housewife," Snape had said when it had been brought up. "I know several women who seem to be very content with the situation. But just because Ronald Weasley had the comfort of having his mother do everything for him, should not be reason enough to force you into the same position. There must be an underlying reason for why he wanted you to stay home."
"But must there be?" Hermione had countered. "Perhaps he just liked the idea of always being able to rely on someone."
Snape had frowned at that.
"He would have that no matter if you were a housewife or not, Miss Granger. You were in a relationship. Is it not customary that people involved with each other rely on each other no matter what?"
Hermione had given him a strange look. From the way he spoke it almost sounded as if he had never been in a relationship before...
"Professor, don't you know the answer to that question yourself?" she had asked before she got a chance to stop herself.
Snape's eyes had immediately narrowed, his mouth had thinned into a line. His glare was so intense that Hermione found herself apologizing to him, telling him that she had been out of line.
"Instead of wasting my time by apologizing you should just answer the question, Miss Granger."
It had taken her some time to remember what the question had been and when she finally remembered she had told him that he was correct in his assumption. What then could be the underlying reason for Ron's intense desire to keep her home?
"Could it not be so simple, Miss Granger, that he has always known that you are destined for greater things and that if you were allowed to follow your dreams and you heart, it might take you away from him?"
Hermione had stared at him for a long time as she processed this theory. If this was true, many things he had done to her would make sense – him forbidding her to go back to Hogwarts, his contempt when she graduated and him signing her up for a potions class without consulting her. But then again, this only applied to the things he had done in the beginning. It did not explain why he had overreacted so much to her listening in to his and Harry's fight about Auror school. Nor did it explain why he had suddenly gotten so sexually frustrated that he had decided to rape her.
"But is does, in a way, Miss Granger. When there was a chance that he could become an Auror, he would have a respectable position. He would know that you would be proud of him and I am quite sure that he felt that he needed such a job to keep your respect. By keeping your respect, he would be able to keep you."
He had made a brief pause to gather his thoughts.
"As for him raping you, that was merely a way for him to show you that he has power of you. That you really are beneath him. It was a warning, informing you that if you ever left him, he would be able to cause you a lot of pain."
Hermione had let his words sunk in, knowing that there was truth in them. She had just been too blind to see it herself. There had been a time when she was strong enough to fight back, even though it had been half-hearted. She had slapped him a few times and she had thrown a few curses his way, but that was when he had started getting into her head. He fed her stories while he was plowing into her – her body usually too battered for her to resist him in no other way then verbally – that no one would ever believe her if she started telling people of what was going on. He told her that their friends would think she was cursed, that she was unhappy with her life and was taking out on him and that they would never, ever take her side. She would be left alone in a world that she hadn't grown up in. There were no other relatives in the magical world, no other childhood friends. She would be reduced to an outcast.
"I hope you realize that these are his own concerns?" Snape had asked her after they had come out of the Pensieve one evening. "He knows that if anyone every found out what he was done to you, people will shun him."
"But not everyone," Hermione had said with a small voice.
"You think of the rest of the Weasley clan, the people you have come to see as family."
Hermione hadn't answered, but he had seen in her eyes that he was on to something.
"No, they will perhaps find some way of putting the blame on you," Snape offered unwillingly. "However, you have a very strong ally in Mr Potter. Perhaps he will be able to make them see sense."
Her worried features had softened at the mentioning of Harry. She still hated herself for ever doubting him. Knowing that she had him on her side was the greatest comfort she ever could have imagined. He would keep her strong, no matter what happened in the future.
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A week after their first encounter in the Pensieve, Hermine no longer felt nervous as she knocked on the feared Potions Master's door.
"You're late," Snape snapped as soon as she had gotten to his side of the door.
Hermione's spirits fell. Great, he was in some kind of mood this evening. Hearing "you're late" instead of "Good evening, Miss Granger" clearly had to be a sign that he was a bit morose. Well, she was quite sure that she was about to change that.
"I'm only a minute late, sir. A group of second year Ravenclaws decided that it would be fun to hurl a Fanged Frisbee around the Dungeon corridors. I took it away from them and docked twenty points."
He looked up from the paper he had been grading, seemingly quite startled.
"What?" Hermione asked innocently as she waved the Frisbee at him. "Was I too harsh?"
Snape's mouth twitched and he put the quill back in its stand.
"Too harsh? No, Miss Granger, I'd gather you were much too benevolent," he drawled as he got up from the uncomfortable, wooden chair. "Twenty points... You did not see it fit to give them detention?"
"No, sir," Hermione said, her eyes wide in fake innocence. "I wanted to, but then I realized that I didn't know what would be appropriate. I guess the natural thing would be to send them on to you in the future and let you handle them."
She put the Frisbee on his desk ans then she flopped down in what had become her chair, waiting for Snape to join her. As he sat down she noticed he was smirking.
"Perhaps it would be more appropriate if you restrained from giving them detentions in the future," he said quietly as he gave her a knowing look. "I would be much better for my House if you simply docked points."
Hermione gave him a small smile, hoping all along that he would say something along those lines.
"Unless I of course dock points from Slytherin, sir."
His eyes narrowed ever so slightly.
"And why would you ever even consider doing something so stupid?" he asked, one eyebrow lifted in question, as he wandlessly started a fire in the fireplace.
"I would never do anything your precious Slytherins wouldn't deserve. Unlike you, I would never take points simply out of spite."
Snape started, caught off guard by both her words and sudden, much more colder tone. He tilted his head as he watched her, her body language more or less screaming that something was bothering her.
"I usually do not permit snide comments, Miss Granger, but I feel as if this is something you are not just saying in the spur of the moment," he said and she raised her eyes to give him a challenging look. "Am I to understand that you are holding a grudge because you believe that I unfairly docked points from Gryffindor when Mr Potter did something idiotic in my classroom?"
Hermione snorted, her arms folding over her chest.
"This has nothing to do with Harry, Professor. This has to do with me, and me alone. I have never forgiven nor forgotten what you said to me that day."
Snape strangely felt a small, tiny hint of remorse. He actually remembered the day she was most likely referring to. He had, of course, treated her unfairly.
"Miss Granger, I take it you are referring to the day when I took points from Gryffindor because you were an –"
"...insufferable know-it-all. Yes. That would be the day I'm referring to. How interesting that you knew that that was what I was thinking about."
Snape winced slightly at her tone, but he kept his gaze firmly locked with hers.
"Yes, I did call you an insufferable know-it-all. And I did take points from Gryffindor on those grounds. But Miss Granger, if I apologized for every little thing I have done unjustly, I would have to take a vacation in order to do so."
Hermione rolled her eyes.
"I'm not asking you to apologize for every little thing, Professor. I'm asking you to apologize for this specific taunt. And believe me, there is a lot more I should have you apologize for."
Snape sighed, lowering his gaze to his hands.
"Very well then, Miss Granger. I apologize for my words that day and for taking points from Gryffindor for that specific situation. It was wrong of me to do either."
Hermione's heart swelled.
"Thank you, Professor."
Snape wanted to wince when he heard the amount of gratitude in her voice, but he manage to get his emotionless mask back on before he actually did it. What was it with this woman? She managed to get under his skin almost daily.
"If we are done with this, perhaps we can move on?" he asked her quickly, before she could say anything more. "I would like to introduce meditation in to your rehabilitation."
Hermione blinked, surprised by this information. Snape hurriedly told her why she was to meditate with a very long monologue.
During yesterday's session they had talked about Hermione's choice to not use magic to fight Ron off, a choice she had given much consideration, and which in turn could have short circuited something in her mind. After Hermione had gone to bed, Snape had researched the link between a person's magical core and the brain. Some believed that the link was there in a sense, but in the end it didn't matter – they were two different elements within a person's body. Others said that the link between the two was a crucial part of how the body was constructed. Even Muggles, people without magic, still had a very clear link between their souls and minds – if the link was severed, due to damage to either part, the other would be affected as well. In some way or the other. For wizards and witches, their magic was tied to their souls. Most theorists summarized their hypotheses by saying that it made more sense for the magical core to get damage than the soul, mainly due to the fact that the body and the brain felt it could survive without the magic.
"So wait, let me get this straight," Hermione said as Snape finished telling her about the theories. "You're telling me that I lost control of my magic because my brain decided that it would be better than..."
"... living with a damaged soul," Snape finished for her. "Yes. Have you seen the state people are in after having a Dementor suck out a soul?"
Hermione shuddered, remembering vividly the look on Barty Crouch's face in the Daily Prophet after the story of his return had been published.
"The soul and mind are connected as well, you know," Snape continued. "The people who suffer a Dementor's Kiss lose their soul – indirectly they lose their minds at the same time."
"But why aren't we taught that in school?" Hermione demanded, feeling very cheated for not knowing this piece of information.
Snape gestured towards the books on his desk.
"Because it's only a theory. Everything I've told you tonight are just theories. Nothing has been proven and I doubt any of it ever can be. The only reason we say they suck out a person's soul is because when the Dementors first were discovered a millennium ago, the concept of soul mates had just been established and I suppose that it was 'high fashion' to use the word 'soul'."
Soul mates. They were back on that subject. Hermione desperately wanted to ask about Harry's parents, but she knew how much Snape had loved Lily Potter, it had been so painfully obvious in the memories he had given Harry.
"Sir, I doubt you will be thrilled about me asking, on the contrary, I think you'll be livid, but I really feel that I must, for Harry's sake, and I'm really, truly sorry if it makes you unhappy, but–"
"For the love of all that is good and holy, spit it out before you lose your nerve!" Snape interrupted, knowing all along that this topic would sooner or later be something that he would have to face. "And it would be best to do so before you anger me further with your barely coherent babble."
Hermione squeaked and wrung her hands together in her lap, gathering her thoughts so she could keep from babbling. She couldn't understand why she was still so nervous – he had given her permission to ask him about it!
"How did the Potter's realize that they were soul mates?" she asked him quietly, not daring to look at him. "And how did you find out?"
His answer didn't come immediately. But when he spoke, his voice was so soft and quiet and sad that she almost didn't hear him.
"If the recounts from the previous soul mated couples are true, they found out the first time they... were intimate with each other. Of course, I do not mean, just 'snogging'. I am referring to the first time they... Oh, I beg of you not to make me say it."
The look he gave her was almost as begging as his tone. Hermione had to bite the inside of her cheek to keep from smiling. It was oddly cute to see her eloquent Potions Professor stumble so intensely on just one word. She wondered if it was the word in general or the fact that he was talking about Lily Potter that made him struggle with the words. She guessed that it was the latter.
"I understand what you can't say, Professor," she said, putting him out of his misery. "Please continue."
"When soul mates open the portal to each others souls, it can never be closed," Snape continued, back in lecture mode. "They will feel each other all the time – if the other one is sad, or hurt, or in danger. Sadly, this is about all we know about soul mates. All of them have been, naturally, not quite so outspoken as many would have liked. We are not aware of if there are more special powers that goes along with being attached to each other in such a way."
He suddenly raised himself from the chair and walked over to a bookcase. Hermione, of course, thought that he was getting a book for her to read more on the subject. However, he reached for a bottle of Firewhiskey instead, pouring some of the liquid into two glasses. When he came back, he handed one of them to Hermione. She took the glass and looked at it for a moment.
"No tea tonight then, sir?" she wondered, tilting her head slightly.
The corner of his mouth twitched.
"No tea tonight," he answered and then he took a long sip from his own glass.
Hermione watched him a moment longer, not sure how to interpret this situation. Most likely he just wanted a stiff drink himself, being forced to think about his beloved Lily having sex with James Potter and felt obligated to offer her some as well. As a matter of fact, that was the only logical reason she could think of that would enable him to share a glass of Firewhiskey with her. Sighing softly, she took a small sip of the whiskey. She winced as she felt the liquid burn her throat. Would she never get used to the sensation? True, she didn't drink anything containing alcohol often, but still. It wasn't very adult like to wince with every sip of Firewhiskey.
"The reason I know about them being soul mates is highly personal, and I would rather not discuss it," Snape continued, downing the rest of his whiskey in one gulp. "It would be sufficient for me to inform you that that was the last thing she ever said to me."
Hermione's eyes widened. There was so much now that suddenly made more sense, why the hatred for James Potter had been carried on to Harry – Hermione knew that Snape had been in love with Lily and she also knew how sorry he had been for calling her mudblood. He must have tried so many times more to beg her forgiveness than the memory he had bestowed upon Harry. Hermione could easily imagine him asking her to forgive him and then in his anger when she wouldn't instead demand to know why she had to be with James. She could see Lily turning around and simply answering him "because we are soul mates." Snape would have sneered at that, saying something about sappy love, to which Lily would have given him a dead serious look and saying "No, Severus. We are real soul mates." And then she most likely would have just left him standing there.
"Miss Granger!"
She snapped out of her daydreaming at the sound of his angry tone. She must have not heard him the first couple of times he called her name. He gave her a calculating look.
"I suppose you'll be wanting to share this entire story with Mr Potter?" he wondered, suddenly sounding so indifferent that he might as well could have been asking about the weather.
Hermione took another small sip and forced herself not to wince before she answered him.
"I would like to tell him parts of it, if nothing else, sir," she said slowly, wondering how to best present the reason for this without upsetting him. "It's just that... he has never known them. He didn't have grandparents that could tell him about them. His aunt detested to think about Lily, let along talk about her. For the longest time, the only memories he had of them was of the night Vol–"
"Do not say that name!" Snape interrupted loudly, giving her a deathly glare.
"... came to the house and killed them," Hermione said as if he hadn't said anything at all and upon seeing his confusion she told him about the Dementors in their third year.
Snape looked troubled after she was done, with the way he was staring into the fire. Hermione waited a few minutes before she continued once again, wanting to give him some time to digest her words.
"I know telling Harry about this won't be like giving him new memories of his parents. It would just be a way of letting him know how much they loved each other. That they were meant to be together."
Snape flinched slightly next to her and then took a slow, shuddering breath.
"Very well. You may tell him."
They sat in silence for a while. Hermione finished her drink, a general warm feeling spreading through her body.
"So. Meditation?" she said cheerfully, trying to break the seriousness that had settled over them.
Snape stirred and gave her an almost confused look before he suddenly got to his feet.
"Yes, meditation," he said, going back into lecture mode. "I want you meditate in order to try to locate your magical core. Should you be successful and feel it, we might get a better grip of what we are dealing with."
He walked over to the bookcase once more and this time he brought out a book for her.
"I want you to read chapter four and five before you come back for tomorrow's session," he said as he handed her a thick book.
Hermione turned it over in her hands and saw that it was called The Art of Mental Magic – from Occlumency to Mental Magic Duels.
"And now, Miss Granger, I would like to retire for the evening. I suddenly feel very weary."
He sounded weary too. He even looked weary, as if he had suddenly aged by several years. Hermione understood that he wanted to be alone with his own memories and thoughts.
"Okay, Professor. Good night."
He gave a curt nod in reply and then Hermione left him. She felt the need to take a long shower and once she was refreshed she could perhaps write to Harry about his parents. As she undressed she realized that telling her best friend that his parents had been soul mates should not be done through a letter. No, it was much too personal. She would have to wait until the next time she saw him.
As the water splashed down along her body, she thought back on the week. It had definitely been a good week and it had been a long time since she had experienced a full, good week. She saw Hagrid every morning and was always greeted with bright smiles from the rest of the staff. She enjoyed brewing for Professor Snape, understanding now how much she had missed it. Even though the potions were very simple, she had fun and her confidence grew every day. Perhaps she could return to her research some day in the near future. And even her evenings with Snape were pleasant enough, because he made them pleasant. The memories they had watched were quite awful, but the Potions Master had gone through lengths to try to make her feel more comfortable. The fire was always lit for her (yes, for her – the last six days he hadn't lit it before she entered the room) and he had started telling Dobby to have tea ready by the time they got out from the Pensieve. Chamomile tea, because it had a natural calming effect on the mind. All in all, it had been a good week. She really hoped that the next week would be as good.
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AN: Hope you enjoyed this chapter – please review! Next chapter starts with Hermione managing to locate and feel her magical core and ends with a midnight trip to the Forbidden Forest with Snape in search of potions ingredients.
