AN: Sorry for the long delay, I've been struggling quite a bit with how to proceed with this story. I don't know much about meditation, so I've taken what I know and mixed it with my creativity. Hope you enjoy it, 'cause it wasn't easy to write. =)
Chapter Eight
A damaged core and a midnight stroll
As Hermione ate her breakfast of toast and tea, she was reading the book she had gotten from Snape the previous night and therefor she took little notice of the people around her in the Great Hall. The book was interesting enough for her to miss the chatter about the latest gossip in the Daily Prophet and that was probably good, as Rita Skeeter continued her onslaught to damage Hermione's reputation. The minute she was done, Hermione lifted the heavy book of the table and kept her eyes glued to the page as she started down the hall to the dungeons.
"Right on time, Miss Granger," Snape said briskly as she came through the door to his lab. "I intended you to brew the Draught of Peace today, but we seem to be out of hellebore."
Hermione noted that the usually so calm professor seemed to be a bit stressed today. He was going from cupboard to cupboard in a fast pace, slamming the doors as he realized that whatever he was looking for wasn't in there.
"Madame Pomfrey is more or less out of this potion, so we need to procure some hellebore as quick as possible. Seeing as the this potion is the only one there is nothing left of, I feel that we need to make this potion our highest priority."
He finally straightened up and looked at her.
"For some reason, I have managed to miss that the school's supply of hellebore has thinned out to the extent that we do not have enough to even make one batch of the Draught of Peace," he said, his expression turning into a grimace of annoyance at himself for letting that happen.
"How do we get some hellebore then, Professor? Do we buy it?"
Snape shook his head and magically conjured two baskets with firm handles.
"It grows in the Forbidden Forest," he answered as he placed the baskets on the working bench. "I never buy ingredients that can be found on the grounds, for two reasons – most magical potions ingredients are best when they are fresh, but many of them need to be procured at a special phase of the moon and one can never be quite certain that when buying these items they have been picked under the right moon."
Hermione was nodding at the end of his little lecture.
"Hellebore should be picked at the the crescent moon after the full moon," she said, remembering reading about it for her Advanced Potions Class.
"Ten points to Gryffindor," Snape said with a tiny smile and Hermione's cheeks flushed in delight. "And we are in luck, Miss Granger. The moon that is so specific for hellebore happens to show its face tonight."
It was then decided that they would take a midnight stroll out on the grounds of the forest to get the flower that was needed for the potion he wanted her to make. However, this meant that Hermione had nothing to do really until Snape was finished with his classes for the day. She reread the two chapters in The Art of Mental Magic and then she tried the breathing exercise that was described there. After that she went to the library and browsed along the bookshelves of the many volumes of priceless magic books. A little bit before dinner, Snape found her reading the first edition of Hogwarts, A History.
"Really, Miss Granger, had I known you would read that book yet again, I would have assigned more chapters in The Art of Mental Magic," he drawled and then swiped the book from her hands.
He put the book back and then beckoned for her to follow him.
"I thought we should try meditating before dinner," he said as they walked down the halls briskly, the students jumping out of their way whenever they got too close. "It really is better to meditate on an empty stomach."
Hermione felt a bit apprehensive, since she had more or less failed everything in the last couple of months. But she knew the theory behind meditation, she had practiced the breathing exercises – she should be able to do this without too much trouble. However... She was still worried. They entered his office, where Snape quickly began rearranging the furniture. He swooshed the comfy chairs up against the wall with a flick of his wand and then made two big, plush pillows pop up out of thin air. She saw him scowl and the next second the room was filled with candles. One last flick and a fire was lit.
"The candles are purely meant to help you relax," he said, warning her to joke about them. "Since you have read the chapters on meditation, I will not attempt to explain what we will be doing next."
Hermione simply nodded and gulped as she tried to suppress her fear. She sat down on one of the pillows and folded her legs into the Half-Lotus Position, knowing full well that she was not bendy enough to try the real Lotus Position. Then she placed her hands, palms up, in her lap. A few feet across from her, she saw Snape mirror her position.
"I will instruct you as we go along, Miss Granger," he murmured just loud enough for her to hear him. "Please do not allow yourself to be startled by my voice. I will speak no louder than I am now."
Hermione nodded, feeling annoyed at herself that she so far had been so jumpy in his presence, and then she took a deep breath. Their eyes met and held for a moment.
"Are you ready to begin?"
The soothing tone of his voice was already making her relax. She nodded and took another long, deep breath.
"Close your eyes."
Hermione complied and was met with a black darkness that was almost comforting.
"Keep your breathing steady. Breath only with your nose. Your mind will start to drift to various things – that's alright. Let it wander free until you are tranquil enough to let your mind be emptied. Don't force it. It will come."
For a long time, that was all Snape said. Hermione didn't know how long they sat there in silence, but there were many, many things that passed through her mind as she did. Memories of Hogwarts, her life before she became a witch, the hardships she and her friends endured during the war... They flashed in and out – she never really ventured into details of the memories, she just let them come, marveling at how her mind was working. For a while she recited parts of the chapters she had read before this session, which turned into an exploration of other things she remembered from books and other things she had learned.
Snape was in the same position she was, only his eyes were open and firmly glued to the witch in front of him. He was looking at her posture and listening to her breathing. So far she was doing very well. Eventually, Hermione's brain seemed to accept that it should be working much slower, since the rest of her had gone into a very relaxed mode, almost as if she was sleeping. And suddenly Snape instinctively knew that now it was time for his part in her meditation.
"Let the darkness surround you," he said, just loud enough for her to hear him, his voice carefully calm and comforting. "Don't let it fright you. Welcome it as if it were a long lost friend."
Hermione surrendered herself to the darkness and it engulfed her fully, almost willingly. She could feel it go through her entire being, all the way out to her toes and to the tips of her fingers. She even felt the hairs on her neck prickle.
"The darkness and you are one. Let it guide you to the part of you that is damaged. The darkness wants to help you. You can feel its need to comply to your every wish."
She was almost surprised to realize that he was right. She could feel the darkness quiver in delight at his words, eager to show her that he spoke nothing but the truth. The darkness knew what was going on, it could hear Snape just as easily as she could. (Later on she would realize that this was logical, as the darkness and she were one.) Snape hesitated before he continued, because he had come to part which was most sketchy, the part that was subjective to everyone.
"Surrender the last of your control to the darkness. Let it take you to place inside yourself that has suffered and that is still suffering greatly."
She wasn't sure how she surrendered this control, but she did. The minute the last of her control escaped her, there was some kind of impact that had her falling backwards, her head landing on a soft pillow instead of the cold, stone floor solely due to Snape's quick thinking in conjuring another pillow for her at the last second. He watched her in alarm, wondering what was going on inside her. She was not twitching in spastic pain, nor did she seem to be in any sort of discomfort. Had it worked? Was this the final step in finding her magical core? He got up from his pillow so that he could hover closer to her in case he needed to act quickly.
Hermione couldn't explain it, but she could feel the darkness enter her soul, enter her magic. She could even see it, in a way, even though she wasn't aware of this at the moment. The next second there was a flash of brilliant light and she found herself face to face with her magical core. Hermione gasped at the sight of it – she could tell that her core was supposed to be connected in an orb of light, but it was as if the orb had been shattered into pieces, which were now floating around, trying to find their way back to each other without success. She felt a wave of extreme sadness come over her. The shiny, white light was pure and innocent and longed to be connected with each other and with her soul again – she could feel that – and it was all her fault that this beautiful part of her had been broken into a million, tiny pieces. She had to fix this. She had to.
Hermione let out a wild gasp and shot up from off the floor into a sitting position. She was so close to panicking, she could tell, and there was nothing she could do alone to stop the anxiety attack from coming. She felt strong arms embrace her from behind, her back being firmly molded into someone's body. Her hands flew up to grip the arms around her in support, her chest heaving in uncontrolled, breaths.
"You're alright," a far off voice whispered, "you're alright. Breath. Everything will be okay. Relax and try to control your breathing."
Hermione listened to the voice, tried to follow its instructions. Slowly, but steadily, her breathing calmed and along with that, her senses returned to her. She knew now what had happened. She knew that the voice belonged to Professor Snape. And she also knew that said professor was holding her tightly to his chest, breaking all his rules of personal space simply in an attempt to calm her down. She felt her heart constrict in gratitude, because at the moment there was nothing more she wanted or needed. His arms around her was the only thing keeping her from going into hysterics. Despite this, the next second she promptly burst into tears.
Snape had gotten a mere half a second warning before she had returned to an awakened state. Her eyes had opened before the rest of her body had realized what was going on and he had knelt down beside her at an instant. When she had flown up from the floor, he had quickly positioned himself where her head had been, knowing full well that she would need time to "wake up" properly and that whatever she had seen would most likely have upset her. He had not hesitated drawing her into his arms, as he had known from the beginning that she would need to be comforted if she managed to be successful, which, by the looks of it, she had been. Whatever she had seen had been traumatic – just like he had expected it to be for her. He had prepared himself ahead of time to disregard his own feelings, and had thus not given a second thought to pulling her into his chest.
He felt quite astounded that it appeared as if she had managed to locate her magical core on the first attempt – he had expected her to push away from the darkness, just has he had done the first time he had meditated. Then again, he had not been in dire need to have the meditation being successful – he had simply done it to try to find a relaxed state of mind during some of the most tiresome days during the war. As she burst into tears, he felt a pang of sympathy for her, but pushed it away, knowing that coddling her now would not help her. He would allow her to calm down, then he would demand of her to tell him what she had seen, before her feelings got too wrapped up into her memory of what had really happened. A few minutes later, Hermione had calmed down somewhat, but now she felt tired. Really, really mentally exhausted. She let her head fall back on to Snape's shoulder and she was too tired to notice how he stiffened.
"Miss Granger, we need to talk about what you experienced before you go to sleep," he said quietly, but still firmly.
"Mmm," Hermione agreed and let her eyes close despite his words.
"In other words, I shall fetch you a Pepperup Potion so that you remain conscious."
Before Hermione knew what had happened, she was in an upright position, standing on her own two feet. She felt lightheaded and swayed a bit, and thus Snape quickly summoned the chair for her to sit in before she collapsed in a heap on the floor. As she sat down, Hermione blinked, trying to process... well, everything. It was hard to understand what had happened, but she knew that she had seen her magical core. She took a shuddering breath, holding the tears in as she thought about it.
"Drink this," Snape said and held out a vial to her.
Hermione took it immediately and emptied the content in one gulp. She felt refreshed in only a few seconds, and when Snape sat down opposite of her, her eyes were sharp and her mind was ready to go.
The next ten minutes Hermione tried to explain what she had experienced in her meditated state of mind, everything from the things she had felt to the things she had seen. Snape appeared to understand her more or less, but as she couldn't exactly describe what it had been like, he couldn't exactly understand her either.
"It was so sad, seeing it like that. It was shattered like a puzzle with the smallest and most difficult pieces I've ever seen. This feels like an impossible task, Professor."
He gave her a tiny smile.
"Nothing is impossible, Miss Granger. A puzzle can always be solved once you put your mind to it and allow yourself to realize that it might take time – and we will solve your puzzle, Miss Granger. We will."
HP*HP*HP*HP*HP
Hermione felt oddly refreshed and high in spirit after her three hour nap after dinner. Along with the long bath she had taken, she felt as if she could stay up all night, a feeling she hadn't been familiar with since her Hogwarts years. Snape had told her to meet up with him at eleven thirty at the Great Hall and from there they would venture out on the grounds and the Forbidden Forest. She knew she should feel slightly nervous, but she couldn't bring herself to worry about going into a forest filled with dangerous beasts. She was going with Severus Snape, the most capable and powerful wizard she knew nowadays. With time, Harry would be in his league, if he just learned to control the magic within him better. She would be perfectly safe, she was sure of that.
Hermione had put on a pair of jeans, a t-shirt, a long-sleeved sweatshirt and sturdy boots – who knew how long they would be out in the coldish October night? It was strange seeing the halls deserted completely, but at the same time it was nice to have it so quite after the evening she had so far had. After a moment she could hear steps coming down the hall and a second later she saw Snape striding towards her, his robes billowing after him as always.
"Miss Granger," he said in greeting, inclining his head slightly. "Are you certain you are up for this?"
Hermione gave him a small smile.
"I am, Professor. I've slept and feel fully refreshed. I am ready to..."
She clamped her mouth shut as she noticed that he was staring at her.
"What are you wearing, Miss Granger? Where are your robes?"
Hermione looked down at her clothes, wondering what was wrong with her outfit – it was perfectly ordinary in every way.
"Robes are not practical for me in the conditions of the forest, sir. I have a tendency to be a bit clumsy when I'm not walking on a straight, paved road, so I thought it best to make sure that my legs and feet had one less thing to stumble upon."
Snape said nothing in return. He simply stared at her legs. Seeing as most witches usually wore robes to hide their curves, he couldn't help but notice hers in those jeans. The muggle clothing fit tightly over her thighs and he was sure that he would find that they fit just as tightly over her bum. He swallowed, trying to moisten his suddenly dry throat. He hadn't seen so much of a woman since before the war. Sure, he had seen her wearing much less in the Pensieve memories, but that was different. He avoided looking at her directly then because he was busy taking in everything surrounding the memory and he didn't need the distraction. Now she was standing right in front of him and there was nothing to keep him from staring at her. Merlin, help him. Would he survive the night?
"Professor, are you alright?"
Her concerned voice brought him back to his senses. He blinked and snapped his eyes up to meet her inquiring gaze.
"Quite," he murmured. "Forgive me, I am not accustomed to see such clothing."
Without further ado, he gave her one of the baskets and then they set off. They didn't say anything as they crossed the grounds, walking briskly over the grass plains where Hermione had spent much of her time studying for her N.E.W.T. exams. Without Harry and Ron, it had been quite dull, but she had gotten so much time to study that she had passed all of her exams easily and with flying colors. It felt like it had been so long ago...
"Miss Granger, we don't have time for you to reminisce at the moment," Snape suddenly snapped, making her jump – he always did, even though he seldom sounded angry or annoyed with her.
Hermione blinked in confusion. She hadn't even realized that she had stopped walking to stare out over the grounds.
"Sorry, Professor. I didn't even know I was doing it."
He just looked at her and then turned around again, heading for the Forest that was rapidly coming closer. She hurried to keep up with him, knowing that she was only safe in the dark, dangerous place as long as she was close to him.
"I know where in the Forest we are going, but keep an eye for the plant as we make our way there. We will not be following the the paths."
Hermione felt a chill go through her, knowing that she was not a good hiker on uneven terrain. Hopefully she wouldn't trip if she just watched where she was going, but if she was supposed to look for the plant as well... Then it could become troublesome. As they entered the Forest, Hermione checked her watch to note the time. Eleven thirty-eight. She hoped they wouldn't have to go too far into the woods, because that might make them too late. But surely Snape would have told her to meet her earlier if that was the case?
"Professor, we are looking for Helleborus foetidus, aren't we?" she wondered in an attempt to take her mind of the road (or the lack of one) ahead.
"We are indeed, Miss Granger," Snape replied, glancing back over his shoulder to make sure she was keeping up. "I was certain you would know what it looks like, so I thought it unnecessary to describe it to you."
Hermione watched him lift his robes slightly to step over a big tree trunk that had fallen over, which, by the looks of it, had been there for quite some time. She inhaled deeply as she came closer to it, wondering if this was going to be the first time she fell flat on her nose this evening. The log reached half way up on her thighs. Snape, being quite a bit taller than her, had not had any problems getting over. As she put one leg over the tree, Snape held out his hand in an offer to help her across. She took it willingly, giving him a brilliant smile for sensing her problem. He didn't smile back, but he inclined his head in acknowledgment and as she lifted her other leg across, she felt him tighten his grip around her wrist.
"Thank you, sir," she said when she was safely had both feet on the ground and he gently squeezed her hand before letting go.
Hermione's hand was almost tingling for a few seconds after he had let go. After the events earlier this evening, she could feel that something in their professor-student relationship had shifted into something... not quite more, but definitively different. In a good way. The change was miniscule, but she could sense it. She wondered if he could sense it as well or if her tired mind was over analyzing things.
Snape couldn't explain what had changed between them. He supposed that after comforting her for so long, but especially so intimately, something was bound to feel different. His need to protect her was stronger than it had been before she had meditated. He hadn't permitted himself to analyze the feelings that emerged while she had been in his arms, but now as he thought back on it, a small part of him hadn't minded having his arms around her. He might have even liked it. It was mainly the fact that someone was allowing him to do the consoling – he couldn't even remember if he had ever done anything so innocently intimate before. He had been with women... Some had been paid for, while others had been charmed into his bed with the most powerful weapon of seduction he had – his voice. But he had fornicated with them simply to get some relief and to get away from the horror that had been his life. It had never meant anything – and he was fairly certain that he never had cuddled with any of them afterwards.
"What else can you tell me about the plant we are about to retrieve, Miss Granger?" he suddenly asked to have something else to think about.
"Well, it usually prefers woodland conditions with deep, fertile, moist soil with dappled shade, which makes the Forest a superb place for it to grow," Hermione said as she pulled up the facts of this plant from her memory. "What I don't understand, though, is that it's supposed to flower in spring and it's autumn now."
She didn't voice her question out loud and she hoped that Snape would sense it anyway.
"Ah, that would be the work of Albus Dumbledore," he answered, and Hermione smiled at the mentioning of her old headmaster. "When I first came to work here, the school had limited funding due to the war and thus Albus saw fit to buy seeds for some of the most prominent potions plants that were easy enough to look after. He added some complicated magic.. And ever since, the hellebore flowers four times."
"But why not let it grow in the greenhouses on the grounds, sir?" she wondered as she thought of all the dangerous plants that grew there.
Snape turned to give her an incredulous look.
"You should not have to ask me that when it comes to hellebore, Miss Granger," he replied, shooting her a rather pointed gaze.
Hermione thought back on what she knew about hellebore and a second later she uttered;
"Oh, right. Prefers woodland conditions. Duh."
Snape smirked a bit, feeling a bit content that the famous know-it-all actually forgot some of the facts once in a while. Just when she was about to ask what other plants Dumbledore had procured seeds for to plant in the forest, there was a a noise somewhere from the right of her – a twig being broken as if it had been stepped on. Snape twirled around, wand drawn, and grabbed Hermione's arm before he quickly flung her behind his back. He held his arm out in a protective sort of way and narrowed his eyes as he stared at the trees, looking for whatever creature he had to deal with. The next moment he felt Hermione jump at the sound of a dog's bark, and he relaxed his posture slightly, getting a fairly certain idea of which two creatures were coming.
"Fang, get back here, you ruddy beast!"
Hermione relaxed at the sound of Hagrid's voice and a second later, Fang shot through the trees and ran straight against her. A huge grin broke out over her lips and she thrust her arms open to welcome him in.
"Hi, Fang!" she said enthusiastically as he got up on his hind legs to try to lick her face.
Hermione supported the enormous dog for a few seconds – then he got much too heavy. She shoved him away as Hagrid emerged from behind the trees and the half-giants annoyed expression shifted to delight at the sight of Hermione.
"What a surprise to find yer here! What are the two of yer doin' out at this time of night?"
His inquiring eyes shifted to Snape.
"Collecting potions ingredients," Snape replied curtly. "Certain plants can only be picked under the waning crescent moon" – here Snape lifted his eyes towards the sky to look at the thin half of light – "thus we are here for hellebore."
Hermione thought his explanation was a wee bit rough, but she supposed he wanted to get it over with quickly so they could continue. She could also almost detect how much he disliked having to explain himself to Hagrid.
"All right, then. I should tell yer that the Centaurs are on the other side o' the forest, so you shouldn't have any trouble from them."
"I was never worried," Snape sneered before giving the half-giant a nod in dismissal before turning to Hermione. "Let's be on our way."
Hermione gave Hagrid a smile and he took care to wish her a safe evening. Then she briskly followed Snape further into the dark woods.
"You know, you could have been nicer towards him," Hermione said after a moment.
Snape shot her an incredulous look.
"Nicer?" he repeated, almost scornfully. "That would imply that I was nice to begin with."
Hermione rolled her eyes.
"You know what I mean, Professor. Why do you have to treat him with open contempt?"
Snape came to an abrupt stop and turned to look at her fully.
"Tell me, Miss Granger – does it lie in my nature to be nice to people?"
Hermione gave him an uncertain look, not sure whether he was upset with her or not. He didn't really seem to be, but she had stopped relying on her ability to read the emotions on other people's faces a long time ago.
"I suppose not, sir, but..."
"No," he interrupted her calmly. "No buts. 'I suppose not, sir' should have been followed by a full stop. I am not nice to anyone, Miss Granger. Nor am I a nice person. Try to remember that."
He swirled around and started walking again, and Hermione had to jog a bit to keep up with him.
"But, sir..."
"No buts, Miss Granger!" he snapped as he turned to face her, only to have her crash right into him.
Hermione let out an undignified "ooof!" as her face collided with his chest. As she was about to ricochet backwards to the ground, he caught hold of her arms, but it was already to late – most of her weight was already on the way down and the result of this was that Snape fell over with her. He landed on top of her and they both gasped as the air was knocked out of them. Snape was too surprised and dazed at what had happened to react right away. He stayed where he was a few moments more than was perhaps necessary. As soon as their eyes locked, she blushed and that's what it took for him to realize that he was lying on top of Hermione Granger. He shied away from her and quickly and ungracefully got to his feet. He brushed his robed off and then held out his hand in an attempt to help her on her feet.
"Have you always been this clumsy, Miss Granger?" he murmured as he heaved her back up.
"I wouldn't have survived the war if I had always been this clumsy," she whispered in reply. "I don't know what's come over me. I'm sorry."
He gave her a searching look and then simply nodded.
"No matter. We are almost in the area where the hellebore grows. Let's just the pick the flowers and be on our way, yes? You must be tired. The sooner we have filled the baskets, the sooner you can retire to your bed."
Hermione noticed that he wouldn't look at her. Perhaps he was embarrassed. She decided it was to just do as he asked – she was, after all, alone with Severus Snape in the Forbidden Forest without the ability to perform magic. She sighed in defeat and gave him a nod, knowing that there was a slight chance that she might end up sleeping unprotected in the Forest if she got him angry enough.
HP * HP * HP * HP
AN: I'm not all that happy with this chapter, but at least it's over with now. Like I said in the beginning, sorry for the long delay. I'll try to be better in the future – I have a feeling that the next chapter won't be as difficult to write.
