Chapter Nineteen
The burdens of being a Legilimens
Severus startled awake a few hours later, feeling disoriented and confused. The headache he had reminded him of the events previous that evening and he groaned as he sat up. Fighting the urge to cast a quick tempus, knowing that after his last couple of days, Minerva and Hermione would flay him for doing unnecessary magic, he heaved himself off the bed and made his way to his office. The clock told him it was nearly nine o'clock. Strange; where was Hermione?
He went into the bathroom and grabbed a headache potion from the cabinet before leaving his quarters in search of – dare he say it? – his witch. Knocking on her door, he frowned when there was no answer. Knocking again, a little more forcefully this time, he briefly wondered if he would be forced to blast the door apart. The next second, the door opened and he was greeted by Hermione's dazzling smile.
"Good evening," he said gently, a small smile on his lips.
Without a second thought, she grabbed his shirt and pulled him in to her rooms, shutting the door behind them. She got up on her toes, pressed her lips against his and wrapped her arms tightly around his neck. His arms automatically circled around her, pulling her closer to his body. As a moan escaped her, his tongue dove in, meeting hers in desperate need.
This witch was intoxicating. He relished the feeling so much that it took all of his willpower to pull his head back. Gasping for breath, they stared at each other with a hunger that left the other almost weak in the knees.
"Why did you pull away?" Hermione whispered, her arms still firmly in place around his neck.
"Because no matter how much we both want this right now, we need to speak first," he answered gently, his hands caressing her sides possessively, making her shiver. "I need to apologize and explain."
Hermione sighed, realizing that he was referring to the spell he had used on Molly.
"Severus, there's no need," she tried, but he cut her off by putting his hand over her mouth.
"Please allow me to be the judge of that, my dear," he said and noticed her eyes soften at the term of endearment. "I need to explain, Hermione, or this will continue to eat at me."
"Fine," she relented, pecked his lips again and regretfully let him go. "Do you want Firewhiskey or tea for this conversation?"
"Neither. How do you feel about sharing a bottle of red wine with me?"
The tenderness in his voice made Hermione's heart melt.
"I would like that very much."
Hermione sat down on the couch, pulling her legs up under her body, while Severus called for Dobby to request a bottle red wine from his own stock and two glasses. When Hermione's stomach suddenly growled, Severus eyes narrowed.
"And if possible, an assortments of fruit, cheese and bread, if you please," he added to the excited elf.
"Of course, sir! Dobby will be right back!"
Severus glanced at the empty, cold fireplace, igniting a fire with a wave of his hand, before he joined Hermione on the couch.
"Did you not have dinner?" he demanded, the tone of disapproval quite clear in his voice.
"Did you have dinner?" she shot back as she lifted one of her eyebrows in challenge.
"It is difficult to have dinner when one is asleep."
"I concur."
They stared at each other for a moment.
"Were you sleeping when I knocked on your door?"
"Quite soundly," she answered with a grin. "Apparently it's exhausting to reconcile with an old friend and telling her about what her brother has been doing for the past years."
"I would assume that it is," Severus agreed, his disapproving frown softening. "I take it Miss Weasley knows the essentials then and that she too is on your side?"
Hermione nodded at the same time Dobby popped back with wine, glasses and a delicious looking platter of grapes, strawberries, pineapple, brie cheese, cheddar cubes and a variety of crackers. Her mouth watered at the sight. Dobby popped back out with a low bow.
"Yes, she managed to figure out that he… has forced himself on me."
For some reason she couldn't bring herself to say the word rape.
"She was ready to kill him and if Harry hadn't restrained her, she would have gone straight to him and at least hexed his bits to pieces."
She watched as Severus uncorked the bottle and filled the two glasses with the deep red liquid, reaching after a moment for a couple of strawberries that she immediately devoured.
"The Weasleys, with the exception of Molly, seem to all be on your side. Are you less worried now, for the future?" he wondered as he gave her one of the glasses.
She took a small sip and had to bite back a moan; the richness of the wine was absolutely wonderful and she quickly sat the glass down on the table before she devoured the whole glass – she had to fill her stomach a bit before she drank more.
"That was delicious. Who knew Severus Snape had such an impeccable taste in wine?"
Severus merely smirked and raised his glass in salute to her.
"Yes, I do feel slightly better now that the Weasleys know," Hermione said, suddenly remembering his question. "Now, what about Molly do you need to get off of your chest?"
His facial expression instantly took on a more serious demeanor. How to explain to make her understand? He let out a deep sigh, took a long sip of his wine and then steadily met her gaze.
"How I became a Legilimens is not widely known; Dumbledore knew of course, and the Dark Lord didn't care much about the 'how' since I used the craft to spy on both his Death Eaters as well as the Order. He never knew that I was an accomplished Occlumens, or he might have second guessed the information he saw in my mind from time to time."
He paused, pleased to see that he had Hermione's full attention.
"Normally, one must first fully understand the art of Occlumency before moving on to Legilimency. However, the Slytherin family line has always had a natural gift for Legilimency. In other words, the Dark Lord never bothered with Occlumency. He had a knack of thinking very highly of himself and underestimating those around him – since neither art is never even mentioned in the Hogwarts curriculum, he thought for a very long time that he alone possessed the means to use this ability."
Hermione hardly dared to move as she didn't want to disturb this fascinating tale. But she was hungry – as soon as Severus came to a natural pause, she quickly grabbed some more fruit.
"In the same way that Legilimency was natural for him, Occlumency came naturally for me; my mother told me even before Hogwarts that the Prince family always had learned this ability with ease and she started teaching me. By the time I started my second year, she was unable to penetrate my mind. By my fourth year, I could control what I wanted her to see. The summer between my fourth and fifth year, we started with Legilimency. When I started my seventh year, my mother proudly told me that I had surpassed her. And as a new Legilimens, I was eager to dive into the minds of those around me. Hermione, eat."
"Huh?"
Severus smirked slightly as she blinked in confusion.
"If my story is so interesting that all it does is making you stare at me with your mouth gaping open, I will pause until you have eaten."
Rolling her eyes, she grabbed a few cubes of cheddar cheese and took another sip of the wine. Severus merely watched her with approval in his gaze.
"My mother told me early on that Legilimency was not to be used on a whim," he continued. "In many ways it's a very dangerous art; if one is good at it, no one will know of the intrusion. She also warned me that the mind is the only place that is supposed to be ones safe haven, the one place that is yours alone. Once a thought is caught, however fleeting it may be, it cannot be unseen. And since almost everyone around me would be convinced that their mind was their own, they would not think to be mindful of what they were thinking."
"Your turn to eat, Severus," Hermione suddenly said, a small smile playing on her lips.
He lifted an eyebrow in answer, but said nothing. Popping a few grapes into his mouth, he washed them down with a generous amount of wine. He then started on the brie and spread some of it over a cracker – he couldn't remember the last time he had eaten cheese and fruit for dinner like this; certainly never in the company of such a delightful witch! Eyeing the woman in front of him, he considered making this a reoccurring tradition.
"After she told me she no longer had anything to teach me, I decided not to heed my mother's warnings any longer – I was eager to use any information I could gather from the Marauder's minds and use it against them."
He shook his head in disgust of himself; how he had changed in the years since then. He watched for a moment as Hermione cut herself a generous slab of brie, placing in on a plate, and grabbed a handful of crackers, before he continued.
"It became evident quite quickly that it was very different doing Legilimency with your mother sitting in front of you and in a castle full of people. What is the one thing that Legilimency always requires?"
"Eye contact," came the immediate answer.
"Eye contact," Severus agreed with a nod. "Not only would I have to stare at people, they would have to stare back at me. A feat easier said than done since I had spent most of my time at Hogwarts minding my own business and keeping my eyes cast down. It didn't take long for people to question why I was looking so intently at them."
Hermione let out a soft snort as she could easily see the picture he was painting. Severus' lips quirked upwards for a moment.
"I would also soon learn that my mother had occluded against me, so the things I saw in her mind were neat and orderly. The few minds I did manage to scan at Hogwarts were in turmoil and chaotic and gave me a headache. I realized that though my mother said that I had surpassed her, I still had much to learn."
"So what changed? I haven't heard anything so far that should 'eat at you', concerning Molly so far."
Severus' lips thinned in displeasure at being interrupted, but he managed not to snap at her. Hermione noticed the change in his mood and scooted forward, grabbing his hand in apology.
"I know of your inquisitive nature, Hermione, but do you really believe that I am telling you all of this on a whim? If you let me continue, you will know shortly."
She merely nodded and brought his hand to her lips, placing a soft kiss on the smooth skin. His breath hitched; hoping she hadn't noticed, he hurriedly continued.
"I started practicing on first years. I realized that their minds were more focused on one thought at a time; the older the person, the more complicated thinking pattern. Also, I didn't have to worry about hormones at their age. I discovered that it was easier to sort through the images being show to me if I occluded at the same time and soon I had a much better grasp of what it meant to be a true Legilimens. Towards the end of my seventh year I decided to test it on the Marauders."
Hermione's thumb unconsciously started rubbing his hand as he mentioned his school enemies.
"The only way I could get away with looking into their eyes was during a confrontation. Lily had managed to curb James' temper during that last year, but Sirius still hexed me whenever he could. I didn't have to do much to provoke him – standing still in a corridor, looking on as students walked past me, was enough for him."
He made a face as he recalled the memory.
"I managed quite well, but my mother's warning came crashing back to once more – while hexing me, Sirius also managed to fantasize about a fellow Gryffindor; Marlene McKinnon. It threw me off, watching him engage in sexual activities, and he managed to slice a deep gash in my shoulder. Once again, I learned a lesson the hard way. Distractions like that in a real fight could get me hurt even further, maybe even killed."
Severus made another pause, contemplating for a moment if he really should divulge one particular memory. He gave a mental shrug, realizing that he no longer wanted to keep anything from the woman sitting in front of him anymore.
"On my last night at Hogwarts, I happened upon Lily. She was alone, which surprised me. All we did was look at each other, and I took my chance. I dove in to her mind, knowing somehow that I would never get another chance. She lamented our lost friendship and she seemed convinced that I was already a Death Eater. She hated that I had called her that awful name, but it was the final thing that drove her into the arms of her soul mate; in a strange way I could also pick up a feeling of gratitude in that regard."
He sighed, his fingers interlacing with Hermione's.
"As she turned to leave, I cried out in desperation; 'What does Potter have that I don't?' As she turned back I was assaulted by images of them; cuddling in front of the fire, laughing with their friends, strolling around the castle hand in hand and finally – their intense lovemaking and the magic of being soul mates. She never answered me, not that she needed to, and she turned away and disappeared from my life forever."
Hermione's heart ached for him. Seeing those images of a woman he had loved must have been horrible, even if it was his own fault.
"When I became a servant of the Dark Lord… You would be surprised how human he still was back then. He wanted to know about his followers, spoke with them and listened. I understand now that it was his way of finding out how we best could serve him. I told him of my passion for Potions and he must have caught something in my voice, because he early on suggested finding me a Master I could apprentice under. I readily agreed, but he of course wanted something in return. He asked how I could be of use to him."
Suddenly the fire crackled loudly and Hermione jumped in surprise. Severus patted her hand in comfort; would that jumpiness ever truly leave her? He sighed before he continued on.
"I had never told anyone of my knowledge of Legilimency or Occlumency. Somehow, I instinctively knew not to tell him of my Occlumency skills; after I left Hogwarts I made sure to hide, and to keep hidden, that bit of information in the far back of my mind. But I eagerly told him that I was an accomplished Legilimens and that he was free to use me in any capacity that he saw fit.
Severus winced as he recalled the mix of cold surprise and fury in Voldemort's eyes.
"Now, before this I had not known that the Dark Lord was a master Legilimens. Unlike myself, he had not been taught the finer techniques – he was self-taught, after all – and therefor it was nearly impossible for him to hide the intrusion. In fact, I think he wanted the victim to know that no thought was safe from him. Anyway, he dove into my mind, making me flinch in surprise, but I didn't look away. Understanding that he wanted to know how accomplished I was, I let him see my progress throughout the years. In the end, he was very impressed that I could use this art undetected. My first assignment was to find out if there were more of his followers that knew how to use this craft."
A shadow passed over his eyes that Hermione couldn't quite decipher.
"It took me little less than a week to find a traitor in our midst; he was a spy with a limited knowledge of the art, but was slightly more accomplished in Occlumency. I must have caught him with his guard down. I presented the news to the Dark Lord and the servant was called upon during a full Death Eater gathering. He was to made an example off; anyone who dared to use either craft against him would suffer the consequences and his true meaning was clear – if anyone knew how to use either art, we were to tell him immediately."
"What happened to the spy?" Hermione couldn't help but ask.
The haunted look in Severus's eye made her shiver and she knew without him answering what had happened to the spy.
"He was tortured and killed. For the first time, I understood the gravity of poking around in other people's minds. He was killed because of information I had given to the Dark Lord. I was only seventeen; killing in cold blood was a new concept for me. I was a loyal follower, but that didn't mean that I had intended or even thought of the possibility that the information I could bring the Dark Lord could lead to other people's death."
Severus shook his head slightly to rid himself of the memory forever etched into the back of his mind.
"The Dark Lord was however pleased with me and sent me away to be trained by a Master. My service to the Dark Lord was very limited during that year and once I returned I became his personal Potions Master. He made sure I got a position at the Apothecary in Hogsmeade; he wanted someone close to Hogwarts and Dumbledore. That's how I managed to overhear part of the prophecy concerning Potter."
Hermione's eyes widened. She had always wondered why Severus had known to be in Hogsmeade on that fateful night and now she knew. He had seen Dumbledore come to the village and then simply followed him.
"Once I understood that the Dark Lord meant to go after the Potters, I was terrified. I had not been a Death Eater for very long, but I already knew that my master was unable to show mercy. I immediately went to Dumbledore. In my distress, I lost the ability to occlude; in other words, Albus saw everything. My growing terror of the things the Dark Lord could do, my absolute fright that Lily might be killed and my regret that I couldn't do more to protect her. And as you know, on the same night I became a spy for the Light."
Downing the last of the wine in his glass, Severus refilled it without a second thought.
"In the end, Lily was still killed. I was disgusted and horrified with myself. Once the Dark Lord was vanquished by baby Potter, I decided to limit myself to only using the power in the most desperate need."
He noticed Hermione's mouth open to say something, and he knew what she had picked up on.
"True, I hadn't used Legilimency to overhear the prophecy, but my knowledge of the ability and the fact that I had no qualms about using it, had landed me in Hogsmeade on the Dark Lord's orders."
Hermione's shoulders slumped and she nodded solemnly.
"I also now knew what it felt like to have my mind invaded regularly. I hid my skills in Occlumency, but I figured as a fairly new Occlumens, I didn't dare try to hide too much from the Dark Lord. Up until the announcement that he was going to after the Potter's, my mind had been an open book to him. No matter how loyal I thought I was, I hated how dirty I felt after he had poked around my mind. And even though people never knew of my intrusion in their minds, it was still an intrusion. I finally understood that just because I had the ability to see into other people's mind, it didn't mean I had the right to."
He paused to let that sink in a bit; she looked to be deep in thought, as if she was starting to understand where he was going with all of this.
"Also, being back at Hogwarts meant I was once again surrounded by young people. I realized that I had very little interest in the disgusting, young minds that inhabit this school, but the older I got, the more I realized that doing Legilimency on a person's mind simply on a whim is a great violation. Everyone is entitled to their secrets."
They were both quiet for a moment, each with their own thoughts. Hermione took a sip of wine, a question forming in her mind.
"If no one ever knew when you were doing Legilimency, why did Harry complain about it painful?"
Severus grimaced as he remembered his disastrous Occlumency lessons with Harry Potter.
"Because as I have already told you once, I was not careful with Potter. One might even say that I on some level wanted to inflict unnecessary discomfort. It also did not help that Potter openly opposed everything I was trying to instruct."
He sighed heavily.
"But the fault is mainly mine. I did not want to teach him, but it was a direct order from Albus, and I am afraid I took it out on him."
Hermione just nodded, satisfied with his answer. Maybe one day she would even be able to get him to apologize to Harry. Ha! Yeah, right Hermione, a treacherous voice in her mind sniggered.
"So, again then, Severus. What caused you so much torment tonight?"
"First of all, I used a spell on someone else I had never used before; I knew the theory, knew the incantation and the wand movement, and knew theoretically what would happen, but had never before actually tried it on a person. It was… difficult, controlling exactly what I wanted her to see. In the end, I could only focus on showing her the memories of Mr Weasley that you have shared with me. Meaning, everything you've shown me, I showed her."
Hermione sucked her breath in. She had already suspected, but hearing it confirmed…
"I never thought I would have reason to use this spell. I always knew it could be useful, but why would I really want to show anyone else my own memories?" he wondered with a sneer.
Then he let out a deep sigh.
"The problem today, however, was that I did not show my memories. You have trusted me with your darkest memories and I ended up showing all of them to a woman you care deeply about, inflicting such emotional pain."
"But Severus, you used that spell to make sure she didn't shun me; Ginny told me what would happen if she had finished her sentence – I would have been dead to all of them!"
"Intervening is one thing, Hermione. I could have simply stunned or silenced her, and that would have done the trick. No, what I need to apologize for is purposefully doing that spell, knowing that I would betray your secrets."
Hermione simply contemplated his words for a moment, watching him intently.
"Yes, but why did you do it?" she wondered gently.
Severus blinked in confusion.
"Does it matter?"
"Of course it does! Intent always matters!"
"Well, then I must admit that I was tired of hearing the way she spoke to you. The way she was belittling you, shouting out that you were a liar and painted Ronald as the victim when I have seen all that he has done. I wanted her to understand that you are not the monster she's painting you up to be, but a lone woman who has been forced to live in fear of one who was meant to love her."
Seeing Hermione smile as he grew silent threw him off a bit.
"See, Severus? You didn't have malicious intent; you defended my honor and came to my rescue. After hearing your explanations tonight about Legilimency, I understand why all of this was atrocious to you. But in turn you must understand that I don't hold it against you. I appreciate your apology and if you need forgiveness, you have it."
The corners of Severus' mouth dipped upwards, but Hermione wasn't finished yet.
"If anything, the fact that you feel bad about this, just makes me realize even more what a wonderful man you are – you say that you're not nice, but you are a good man at heart, Severus. And that makes me love you even more."
Severus froze, his features instantly morphing into the protection of the mask worn by the Master Spy. His eyes were firmly glued on the witch that had continued on as if she hadn't said anything ordinary.
"I hope you don't think I'm taking this too lightly, because I do understand the gravity of the situation, but I just want you to know that you don't have to feel bad on my part. I can't speak for Molly, however… Severus, what's wrong?"
She had finally noticed his unmoving form, the stiffness of his posture and the fact that his facial expression was completely empty.
"Did you mean it?"
Severus' quiet question was laced with something she couldn't quite understand. He didn't sound upset, but his body language hinted at something else.
"Did I mean what?"
Hermione had no idea what he was talking about.
"You just said you love me."
Hermione had never heard such vulnerability in someone's voice before. She stared at him blankly for a moment until what he had said registered in her mind.
"I just said… what?"
Had she really heard him correctly?
"You just said that it makes you love me even more."
"I…"
Well, Merlin's Balls. She had just said that, hadn't she? Her throat suddenly felt very dry and looking into his eyes she tried to read how he felt about hearing those words from her lips. His eyes betrayed nothing. Taking a deep breath, she opened her mouth to tell him the truth.
AN: I am so sorry for this cliffhanger! But this chapter was getting to be a little long and it seemed like a good place to cut, since there will finally be some more smut in the next chapter. Whoop! Finally, I want to wish you all happy holidays!
