Chapter Twenty-One
Draco
In the previous chapter:
Hermione rolled her eyes and briefly told him about their relationship. George was sitting there gawking at her towards the end.
"So there you have it. Damn you for being so perceptive. When did that even happen, by the way?"
George laughed as he shrugged his shoulders.
"Fred and I used to joke about it, calling it my sixth sense."
For now, the rest of George's questions were forgotten. The witch and the wizard shared a meal together with light, happy conversation.
Severus watched, a feeling of relief settling in his stomach. Hermione was slowly getting her life back and those important to her. His heart sank a little, a feeling of self doubt catching hold of him.
He was happy genuinely for her, that she was getting her friends and family back. But would she still want and need him once the dust settled?
* HP * HP * HP * HP *
The Order of the Phoenix had gathered in the Headmistress' office; since its numbers was greatly diminished in times of peace, everyone had fit comfortably in the large room. The meeting hadn't gone on for very long; there had been a short brief of what had transpired, Severus had given his statement (but left of the part of him being an animagus) and various tasks, mainly centered around subtlety gathering information, had been given out to willing members.
They were to meet again in three days time. During that time Hermione's days consisted of brewing, meditating, studying animagi and spending every moment she could with Severus. On the third day she could tell that there was something bothering him. He wasn't nasty or dismissive of her, he was just... distracted.
"Severus?"
She put her quill down and put her hands in her lap.
"Yes?"
He didn't look up from his grading at first, but when she didn't continue, he glanced at her. Noticing her posture, he tilted his head and gave her a questioning look. She took a deep breath.
"Is something wrong?"
Severus blinked at her; whatever he had thought might come from the witch, he had not expected that. He took in her stiff posture, as if waiting to be attacked. Sighing gently, he put his own quill down and got to his feet. She watched his every move as he made his way over to the couch where she was sitting. He noticed that she didn't relax when he sat down next to her.
"No, is the simple answer. Nothing is wrong."
Hermione finally relaxed and instantly took his hand in her own.
"But..?" she prodded, giving his fingers a small squeeze.
Severus took a deep breath; he had so hoped to keep this from her.
"But I am insecure when it comes to matters of the heart, and while I am thrilled you are getting your friends back, I cannot help the worry that they will take you away from me."
Hermione's eyebrows shot up in surprise. Of all the things she had imagined would bother him, his insecurities about their relationship hadn't even come to mind.
"Oh Severus," she murmured, her hand coming up to his cheek, caressing it lightly.
He leaned in to her touch, his eyes closing in delight. He always relished the feel of her soft skin on his coarser one.
"I don't think there's much I can say to make the worry go away," Hermione said softly. "This is new to us both and we must let it take time."
Severus hummed in agreement. Then his eyes suddenly snapped open to give her a piercing look.
"When did you become the smart one?"
Hermione let out a surprised, but pleased little laugh. She swatted at him and he expertly caught her hand. He tried pulling her towards him, but she managed to get her arm free and shot to her feet, a coy smile on her face. He raised a single, calculating eyebrow and slowly stood, his eyes never leaving hers. Moving slowly, he stalked towards her. As he got nearer, Hermione suddenly dashed to the left, but he had seen it coming and sprang forward, catching her around the middle and quickly spun her around to face him.
The look on her face was an image he would never forget. Her cheeks flushed, her eyes sparkling, her lips slightly parted; she looked radiant, despite her impish expression.
He pulled her in to his arms, cradling his arms around her back, almost lifting her off her feet. Hermione's eyes closed and she nestled her face into his neck, breathing in deeply. She really was falling for this man and she was just about to tell him when there was a sudden knock on the door
Hermione and Severus jumped apart, both looking equally startled. It was unusual for anyone to bother him in his private quarters. Severus brushed some wild strands of hair behind Hermione's ears and then signaled for her to sit down on the couch. She took a detour by his desk, grabbing a random lesson plan, and as she sat herself down, she made herself look busy.
Severus carefully schooled his features, making sure to look as annoyed as possible at whoever dared to disturb him in his own quarters. He swung the door open and couldn't for the life of him help the shocked gasp when his mind registered the visitor. Hermione's head snapped up; the fact that the former spy couldn't control his reaction immediately put her on edge.
"Draco...!"
Hermione's shoulders dropped in relief, but she couldn't quite get her body to relax.
"Hello, uncle Severus," came the cool voice of Draco Malfoy.
The hairs on her arms stood up; his voice hadn't changed at all and it brought back all kinds of strange memories. Severus must have lost his hold on the door in his shock, because it slid open just enough for her to catch a glimpse of the blonde wizard. She tried not to stare as the two men continued to simply look at each other.
"You let your hair grow long," Severus said stupidly, now holding the door once again in a death grip; his knuckles were turning white.
"And you finally took my advice on how to take care of yours," Draco answered with his signature smirk.
Severus let out a strangled sort of sound as he flung out his arm to grab Draco by his robes and pulled him in to his arms. Hermione noted the look of surprise on the blonde's face, but it quickly morphed into - dare she say it? - contentment as his arms circled around his godfather. Draco Malfoy was clearly enjoying being embraced by the older man.
"I've missed you, Sevvie," Draco mumbled into Severus' shoulder, his eyes closed.
Hermione couldn't control the sound that escaped her at the use of what was probably Draco's childhood name for his godfather. Draco startled and pulled back, his jaw dropping when he spotted her on the couch. Severus turned to her, looking almost equally surprised.
"Forgive me, Draco," he said quietly as he shut the door. "I forgot that Miss Granger was here, the shock of seeing you was quite profound."
Draco scowled as he crossed his arms over his chest - a clear sign to Hermione that he didn't appreciate being caught in such a vulnerable situation. She didn't much appreciate being forgotten, but unless she was mistaken, this could very well be the first time the two men had seen each other since the end of the war, so she forgave his oversight.
"I can come back later to discuss the lesson plan for tomorrow, Professor," she said as she got to her feet, "and give the two of you some privacy."
"Mighty big of you, Granger, but you don't have to leave on my account," Draco drawled, but not unkindly. "I am quite aware of you being his apprentice and clearly I have interrupted something important."
"No, no, I can manage on my own, you should get caught up..."
"Perhaps if you both shut up for a moment, we can make this entire situation a little less awkward and no one has to leave."
Even after so many years away from being students in his classroom, both Draco and Hermione immediately shut their mouths. They did, however, not stop looking each other over.
"Miss Granger, Draco... Sit."
Hermione sank back down, placing the lesson plan on the table in front of her, folding her hands neatly in her lap. Severus winced slightly; the unease from his witch was evident and he wished there was something he could do to make her feel better.
Draco took the lush chair at the other side of the table, folding a leg over the other. Severus blinked; Draco had in that moment never looked more like his father, especially with the way he gently put his arm on his knee, making his hand dangle lazily in midair.
Severus sat down on the couch and frowned when he noticed Hermione scoot away from him a bit. He could understand her discomfort to some extent, but he still didn't like the wider gap in between them.
"Draco, will you swear to not use derogatory language while in Miss Granger's presence?"
The blonde rolled his eyes, but muttered a quick reply in the affirmative.
"Miss Granger, will you swear to never tell anyone else about Draco's old nickname for me?"
Hermione's eyes bulged, almost looking scared, and his own narrowed. He understood the need for some acting if they were to keep their relationship secret for the time being, but did she really have to look quite so fearful of him?
"Of course, sir!"
Draco let out an amused snort.
"Still so eager to please, Granger?"
Hermione flushed red with anger and was about to retort when Severus held out a hand.
"Don't," he growled at Hermione, while shooting Draco a glare.
Draco dropped his smirk, slightly chastised. Hermione's arms crossed over her chest as she turned her attention to Severus, realizing he had more to say. The way her eyes narrowed at him made it quite obvious she wasn't happy to be ordered to hold her tongue when she felt slighted by her old classmate. Severus counted to ten in his head, fighting the urge to throttle them both. Somewhere in the very back of his mind, the age difference between him and Hermione became all the clearer, but he chose not to dwell on it for now.
Pinching the bridge of his nose for a moment, he regarded them both.
"Will you both swear to act like the adults you are and do your utter most to try to be civil towards each other?" he finally asked, crossing his arms over his chest.
"Yes," Hermione said without hesitation.
"Yeah, right," Draco drawled at the same time, looking at his godfather as he was waiting for him to come to the punch line.
"Draco," came the menacing warning in return.
Draco's eyebrows shot up in surprise as he took in Severus' body language and the tone of his voice. This last request was clearly important to him. Why, though? His gaze turned to Hermione's, who conveniently was looking straight at him, and he gently used Legilimency to skim the surface of the witch's mind.
He was immediately assaulted with images of Severus. Hermione let out a little hiss and scrunched her eyes shut as her hand came up to her forehead. Draco was stunned; he had never seen such a reaction to Legilimency before.
"Hermione?"
Draco's jaw dropped in open shock at hearing Granger's first name come from his godfather's mouth. Severus didn't notice, his focus now fully on the witch beside him.
"I think I'm getting a migraine," she murmured, her voice small. "Not to be rude, but I think I'm going to lie down before the... that meeting we have later on."
"Do you need a potion?" Severus wondered, getting to his feet to help her up.
"Not right now, thank you," she answered as she took his offered hand.
He steadied her as she got to her feet and then frowned as she swayed. His grip on her hand tightened in worry.
"I'm okay," she said, giving him a reassuring smile. "I just need to lie down for a moment."
"I'll come by and fetch you before the meeting."
Hermione nodded once and turned to Draco. She briefly wondered why he looked dumbfounded, but simply gave him a wave.
"See you another time, Draco."
He only stared back, but she didn't wait for a reply. Once she was gone, he snapped out of his reverie and turned to his godfather. He didn't miss the concerned look on the older man's face.
"Uncle Sev, what in Merlin's name is going on?"
Severus raised a single eyebrow.
"I'm not sure as to what you are referring to, Draco."
"Well, it obviously escaped your notice that you just called Granger by her first name. And it seemed as if you were genuinely concerned about her well-being."
Severus crossed the room in order to get them both a drink.
"She is my apprentice, Draco. It's only natural that I would have gotten more familiar with her by now."
"There's more to it than that," Draco bit out, "or her thoughts wouldn't be filled with those memories I saw of you."
Severus froze, his hand hovering over the decanter of firewhiskey.
"What did you say?"
The dangerous tone should have been a clear sign to Draco to back off, but he was too riled up to notice.
"Why did I see her watching you as you sleep? Why did you look injured? And why on earth did I see her fling her arms around you?"
"You performed Legilimency on her?" Severus hissed and turned fully towards his godson, needing to hear the younger man confirm it.
Draco seemed perplexed at the direct question as he finally registered that Severus was in fact quite angry.
"Well, yes, but..."
"Dobby!"
Draco jumped at the sudden yell and blinked in surprise when his old house elf popped in to the room. The dopy elf, however, only had eyes for the Potions Master.
"How can Dobby help, sir?"
"Go to Miss Granger's room, but be quiet. Check to see if she's sleeping and if seems to be in duress. Try to make sure you are not seen."
Dobby gave a small bow and was gone a second later. Severus immediately rounded on Draco, his eyes burning with a cold fury.
"What were you thinking?" he hissed as he folded his arms, curling his robes in on himself. "Did I not press the importance of using Legilimeny lightly and to think of the consequences of using that spell?"
"I don't see what the big deal is, Uncle Severus, I just skimmed the surface of her mind," Draco muttered.
"Draco, 'the big deal' as you put it, is the fact that you used it at all! You used it casually in a conversation with one of your peers; it was not a matter of life and death! There is no reason whatsoever that could justify you using Legilimency in this situation. So let me ask you again; why did you use that spell on Ms Granger?"
Draco sat staring at his godfather with his mouth hanging open, completely bewildered. With effort he clamped his mouth shut. Severus lifted an eyebrow as he waited for the younger man to formulate an answer.
"You were acting so strange, I felt like I had to do it. Your mind is impenetrable, so..."
"So, you knowingly chose the one without defenses in order to satisfy your own curiosity instead of simply asking me?" Severus summarized tiredly, rubbing the bridge of his nose. "I thought better of you, Draco."
"Come on, Severus, you would never answer a direct question like that!"
Draco was getting frustrated now. He seriously didn't think he had done anything wrong, it was just Granger, for Merlin's sake!
"And you know this how?" Severus demanded, holding up his hand as he noticed the thunderous expression in Draco's eyes. "I am not the same man I was during the war, Draco. I no longer serve as a spy and I am free to show you affection as my godson and respect as the adult you are now. Therefor I need to press the importance for you to understand that Legilimancy should always, always, be used as a last resort in dire times. Not because you're afraid that you won't get the answer you so desperately seek."
"But what if I know for a fact that the person is lying?" Draco questioned rather petulantly.
"Then it is that person's choice to lie and that does that not give you free reign to practice Legilimancy. Draco, everyone is entitled to their secrets and to keep their own council. Truth will come with trust and you will not gain anyone's trust by assaulting their minds."
Draco looked truly flabbergasted.
"This coming from you, of all people?!" the younger man raged, springing to his feet. "How many times have you tried to breach my shields?!"
"Draco, you were plotting to kill the Headmaster and I had made an Unbreakable Vow to your mother - it was literally a life and death situation."
Draco opened and closed his mouth a few times in quick succession, trying and failing to come up with any kind of retort.
"Be the bigger man, Draco, and admit defeat."
Severus couldn't help the feeling of pride as he watched Draco deflate and sag back down in the chair. He certainly had grown up since their last conversation.
"Where have you been, Uncle Severus? Why haven't you contacted me?"
The question came out of the blue and caught the older man off guard. The hurt in the Draco's voice was palpable and it stirred an old ache in Severus' heart. He almost smiled - he had been so convinced that his heart was nothing more than an organ that pumped blood around his body; he was now starting to understand that it really only had been waiting for him to find people to care about again.
Before he could say anything, Dobby popped back into the room.
"Ms Hermione is sleeping, sir. Dobby doesn't think she is in pain, she is resting peacefully."
Severus' closed his eyes briefly in relief.
"Thank you, Dobby. Might I ask you to watch over her and not let her sleep more than hour?"
"With pleasure, sir!" Dobby answered with a beaming smile before he popped away, going back to Hermione's room to watch her like a hawk.
Draco said nothing during this encounter, he simply watched and waited for Severus to finish fixing their drinks and sit back down. He was handed a glass of firewhiskey and immediately took a big sip of the amber liquid. Severus smiled this time; Draco certainly had more experience drinking hard liquor than Hermione did.
"Why are you smiling?"
Draco's harsh question brought him back to the present.
"Because you're here," was all the Potions Master said as he sat down, watching as the rage in his godson's eyes dimmed a little.
Draco offered him a small smile in return.
"I am angry with you," he said, "but it's so good to see you."
Severus raised his glass in salute to acknowledge his godson's words.
"There is no satisfying answer to your question, Draco. I have physically been here at Hogwarts. I have not purposefully ignored you - I think the simple answer is that I have been ashamed and had no idea of how to reach out to you."
Draco blinked in surprise. He had never gotten such an honest answer from an adult in his entire life.
"I am sorry that you have been forced to deal with the aftermath of the war on your own. As you have no doubt heard, I was in a coma for a long time and once I woke, I was bitter. Being incapacitated for so long did not help matters and once I returned to teaching, I was a shell of the man I used to be. This might be hard to believe, but I became more of a recluse than ever before, seeing no one unless forced to."
He paused, giving Draco time to process what he was saying. He was pleased to see Draco carefully mulling things over, actually taking the time to sort out his thoughts and feelings. Severus had a feeling that his godson would reach the conclusion no one else had and for the first time since he woke up in the bed at St Mungo's, he felt prepared to answer the question.
"Did.."
Severus noticed the look of trepidation on his godson's face and involuntarily braced himself, taking another sip of the liquid and welcomed the burning in his throat.
"Did you expect to survive? The war, I mean?"
It was quite clear that Draco already knew the answer to that. Severus merely looked at him, still waiting for the real question. Draco let out a shuddering breath, downed the entire glass of firewhiskey before slamming it down on the little table next to the chair.
"Uncle Sev... did you want to survive?"
And there it was; the question no one so far had had the courage to ask him. He knew Minerva had wanted to ask him, but had chosen not to because she didn't want it confirmed. The portrait of Dumbledore had come close once, but had stopped midsentence at the glowering look from the former spy. Hermione probably suspected it, but would probably dissolve into tears if she heard him say the words out loud.
"I never thought I would come out of the war alive," Severus finally said softly. "Either by the Dark Lord's hand, a stray curse or a Dementor's Kiss in punishment for my crimes, it never once occurred to me that life was an option for me once it was over. Never once did I see a future bereft of the Dark Lord where I was living and thriving."
He paused for a moment to gather his thoughts. Draco had frozen in his seat, hanging on to his godfather's every word.
"When I woke up in St Mungo's I was... lost. It had been almost two months since the Dark Lord fell and I was astonished that I had been branded a hero. Astonished, and enraged. How dared they speak of me as a hero, not knowing half of what I had done? At the time, it was pointless to argue. I couldn't speak for another three months and I was weak; it was difficult to stand up, impossible to walk."
He stood to refill both his and Draco's glasses; his heart clenched painfully when he noticed that the younger man's hand actually shook. What a fool he had been to not seek out his godson earlier.
"You must understand this, Draco – I had been a chess piece in a dangerous game where my life, essentially, mattered little. The goal and the purpose of my life was to see the end of the Dark Lord, no matter the cost. The people I was surrounded by where allies and enemies, but no one knew my true allegiance. Those I considered allies considered me the enemy and vice versa. In the end, I was alone."
His mind wandered to the memory of the day that had changed everything.
It was a dreary day in early November, rain cascading down the windows of his room. Six months had passed since the end of the war. He was set to leave in a week and he was dreading the day. The thought of returning to Spinner's End made him nauseated - he would have to sell the place and start over somewhere else, anywhere. He was thumbing through the listings for apartments in the Daily Prophet when there suddenly was a knock on the door.
"Go away!" he called out - the hospital staff didn't knock and the only visitors he had had were reporters who wanted him to spill his entire life story.
The door opened anyway and Severus tossed his paper down and opened his mouth to snap at the person who had dared enter his room against his will. Instead, he was instantly filled with a cold dread and wholehearted shame as Minerva McGonagall entered the room. For a moment, neither of them said a word. If Minerva was anything like himself, she was remembering their last encounter in the Great Hall, when she had fired spells at him and he had been unwilling to retaliate.
"Good evening, Severus," Minerva finally said, making him flinch even though she kept her tone was incredibly soft.
His gaze dropped to his lap as he could no longer stand to see her scrutiny.
"Oh, Severus," Minerva murmured as she slowly shuffled closer. "I don't even know how to begin apologizing to you..."
His eyes snapped back to hers in an instant.
"Apologizing?" he repeated incredulously. "What are you on about, woman?"
"I should have known..."
"Had you known," Severus interrupted, holding up his hand to silence her, "I would have failed. I played my part well, Minerva, as was needed at the time. However, that does not mean that I have forgotten or managed to overcome the shame for treating you the way I did."
Minerva tilted her head as she watched him in a way that made him think she was trying to see his soul.
"Then how about this, Severus. We both feel guilty. We both feel shame. I am going to take a wild guess here and say we both are lonely."
She paused to give him time to refute her last statement, but when he didn't, she simply nodded. After levitating the chair closer to his bed, she sat down and reached for his hand. Severus wanted to pull away, but at the moment he didn't dare move. Feeling Minerva's hand circle around his own was a gesture of forgiveness and hope he would never forget. He hardly dared to breathe as he waited for her to continue speaking.
"I say we forgive and forget. We move on from the horrors of the past thirty years and find a new normal. I hear you're about to be released - I would very much hear you agree to come home."
Severus stared at her, blinking once.
"Home...?" he wondered, not comprehending what she meant.
"Yes, Severus," Minerva said, her hand grip on his hand tightening. "I want you to come home to Hogwarts."
Severus' mouth dropped open in surprise. A feeling of sense and belonging settled in his chest and the implications of what it meant had him gasping for breath, his heart beating wildly. She was offering him everything he hadn't known he wanted and she did it without demanding answers and explanations. Knowing he wouldn't be able to speak right now, he gently turned his hand so that their palms rested against each other's. He squeezed her hand lightly, and Minerva gave him a small smile, squeezing back. She knew without him saying out loud, that when he was released next week, he would be coming home.
"The Headmistress offered me something I didn't think I would be allowed to have - the chance of getting my life back, without the burdens of being a spy and a Death Eater. But yes, Draco. For the first six months after I had woken at St Mungo's, I was angry at the world. Angry that I hadn't been allowed to die for the things I had done wrong. Angry that I was seen as a hero. And angry that I would be forced to live the rest of my life alone."
Draco blanched and quickly tried to cover it up by taking a large gulp of his drink - too large, as he a moment later started coughing.
"Smooth," Severus drawled with a smirk, earning a glare in return.
Draco finished coughing and motioned for Severus to continue.
"After coming back to Hogwarts, I realized that I wasn't hated by my other colleagues, but it was not as easy for them to forgive and forget as it had been for Headmistress McGonagall. I didn't care much in the beginning, since there was still much to do before the school could reopen. Once the dungeons and my lab had been restored, I was tasked with stocking the infirmary with Potions. I rarely ventured outside my quarters. I rarely socialized. I went through the motions without really living. When the students returned, I pulled away even further."
Severus emptied his glass in a swift gulp. He watched Draco for a moment, seeing the emotions play out all over his face. The boy - young man, he corrected himself - had questions, but showing great maturity by holding them in for now.
"Somewhere along the way, I realized that I suffered from depression. I started brewing a mild antidepressant that I would take when it became too much. It was addictive, but made life bearable."
He trailed off, wondering when he last had taken the potion. He had made a fresh batch right after term started and he remembered indulging once as soon as it was finished. And that's when the realization hit him; he knew exactly why he hadn't needed another dose of the potion.
"When did you stop taking the antidepressant, Uncle Sev?"
"I would very much like to know why you were taking a potion for depression to being with."
Draco jumped and Severus closed his eyes in tired defeat. Apparently, Hermione was done with her nap. He idly wondered how much she had heard.
AN: Sorry for the cliffhanger, but this chapter was getting too long! I have been contemplating for a while if I should wait to update, or get this out there asap so you know I'm still writing and decided to post now, rather than later. Hope I chose correctly!
