By Richan
Dictionary Drabble: Bereave
Rated: R, because of Harry's naughty words
Notes: first two parts are pre-slash. The second part also has het, but not between Harry and Sirius. Third is slash. Definitely over 500 words. For each part, as well.
This is meant to be rambling.
Spoilers: OotP
They said, "give him time to bereave his loss."
They don't understand it's more than just some fucking "loss."
They don't know that he was more than just some father figure I had only seen those few times in my life.
I sit in this horrible house all day, trying to move past what everyone wants me to get through.
I don't want to if it means that I can't have him.
They don't know what I feel. Hell, I don't know what I feel sometimes. Other times, I can't get a hold of the maelstrom that resides within me, trying to grab hold of something that will anchor me to reality.
I feel despair that the only person that will have ever loved me is missing from my life.
He is not dead.
They didn't hear the voices behind that veil like I did. I asked Lupin if he heard something, and now he thinks that I am hearing things because I'm missing him. I asked Tonks if she heard anything while in that room, and she doesn't remember anything of that night very well.
I asked Neville what he remembered about that night, and he said that Sirius' body just disappeared as it fell through the blank archway. I asked him if he didn't see the veil, like he saw the Thestrals, but he hasn't written anything back about that since then.
I don't think that I am going crazy, but they will never understand that.
They never got to sit with him at Christmas, wrapped in a secure set of arms, reminiscing about all the trouble he got into with his friends. They will never understand that he wasn't as old as everyone thought him, and that I may have always been older than him in some instances.
I want to rage at everybody that tells me he is gone.
He's not fucking gone! I know that he isn't!
That veil hides a horrible existance. I know that, because the Idiot-Who-Wants-To-Rule-The-World tells me that in my dreams. Of course, I can't defend myself about that, because "Snivellus" never took the time to see beyond my appearance that is so much like my father's.
The veil is the crossing point between the land of the living and the realm of the dead. How Tom found that out without being caught in it, I will never know. I do know this, however, I will be going through it as soon as I kill the bastard.
I know that if I stay in the wizarding world after I do so, some idiot, if Fudge is not the Minister by then, will want to put me on trial. To prove my point - Umbridge and her attempt to get me expelled with the Dementor attack on Privet Drive last summer.
The chance to go through the veil is what will propel me through time to when I can get rid of the bastard who took my parents, who made his life a living hell in both Azkaban and Grimmauld Place and that cave just outside of Hogsmeade. Then I will get the chance to be with him again, and I'll get the chance to tell him that I love him more than I love my own life. That I gave up everything in the world for him.
I just hope he can forgive me for that transgression once I am with him.
You exist beyond the veil until something or someone sets you free.
I will free him from that place, where time has no meaning, yet it stretches forever.
Damn. Petunia is calling me, well, yelling at me to come take of "my damned owl." Hedwig has taken much joy in being able to enter the house from any window - since Vernon is scared shitless because of Moody - and has taken great delight in dive-bombing the Dursleys every chance she gets.
At least something good came out of this.
