Raven watched a couple stroll by, briefly wondering what the hell they were doing outside in a snowstorm like this. She, of course, had a reason, so she wasn't an idiot like those two were. The biting wind was as close to physical pain as she would allow herself, but these people were nuts. They acted as though they were oblivious to the freezing snow, the howling winds that seemed to shred the skin. They were in their own little world of love.
She scowled, using the toe of her boot to push the swing into motion. The park was deserted, save for the happy couple that was slowly disappearing from her sight. She wondered if they were like Starfire, completely optimistic about every little thing.
Raven sniffed, running her tongue along her chapped bottom lip and tilting her head back to stare at the black sky. She couldn't tell what time of day it was, but she didn't really care. Beast Boy's words still haunted her mind, but instead of her heart hardening, it just seemed to break even more. She was positive that in minutes, there would be nothing left to break...
Why had he said those things to her? What had triggered it? She was highly aware that she had been a bit standoffish when she awoke, but she had been in emotional turmoil. Maybe she had said something to elicit it. Had she said anything mean?
Raven's eyebrows drew together when she found that all she had done was snap at him. There was a possibility that maybe he was just tired of her attitude. She knew she was hard to deal with, but strangely, she had always known that he would be patient with her. Had that worn off? Had he lost all hope in her?
Of course he had. He had given up on her. Hell, who wouldn't? She was obnoxious, rude, sarcastic, and so damned lonely it hurt. And yet she pushed everyone away.
Why?
Why was she like this? Why did she shove everything that mattered away from her? Was it just her nature? To be cruel, self-loathing, alone for all eternity? Was that her future? To be alone? But it would be her fault she were alone in the end. Beast Boy had given her everything she had always wanted. Yet, she turned on him, treated him like he was nothing more than the ground she walked on. Why? There was no excuse for her behavior.
So why was she like this?
She didn't have to be cruel to him. She didn't have to chip away at his ego because hers was so low. She didn't have to detach herself from him because of her emotions. So she couldn't laugh, or cry, without something breaking, but that didn't mean she had to hide from everything. She could join things without laughing or crying, and she wouldn't feel so alone. Hell, she could probably even joke (nothing sarcastic, of course) with people.
So why was she doing this to herself? Why was she making it so hard for people to love her? Maybe it was the demon blood in her. Demons were known to be independent, never wanting any part in other people unless it was to breed more demons. It could be that her demon side wanted nothing more than to wallow in loneness, for it felt more secure. But the human within her longed for love. Her emotions longed for love.
Raven had the strangest urge to bash her head against something solid. Well, hell. Now she admitted it, after practically losing everything. It was all so bloody simple now. The only way to keep her emotions in check was to love. It was corny logic, but it was so obvious. The reason nothing had blown up was because she was slowly admitting that she was head over heels in love with Beast Boy. That was all she had ever needed to be free from her powers.
She, of course, loved her teammates, but the love she need was far from the love of family. She needed love from…Beast Boy. And she had had it for so long. Funny thing was, now that she admitted it, Beast Boy was probably forgetting she ever existed.
Raven shoved her hands through her hair. Okay, so she loved Beast Boy. More than anything in the world. She hurt him, he hurt her, she ran, found she loved him. Simple, yes? No. What the hell had she done to hurt him? Had she hurt him?
Raven remembered the agony in his eyes and groaned. Oh yeah. She had hurt him. But how? She slid from the swing and plopped down on the snow, sitting Indian-style. Of course, she was submersed in waist-high snow, and the cold was soaking through her pants, but she didn't care. Feeling like a child, Raven fell backwards, letting the snow soak her. She briefly wondered what people would think if they saw her…but that wasn't the point now.
She had to figure out what she did to upset him. Okay, he asked what was wrong, she snapped. Told him she was going to take a shower…maybe her snapping at him hurt him.
No.
Alright…then…what the hell could have hurt him so bad? Raven bit her lip so hard it bled while she thought of possible answers. She had to fix this, whatever it was. She would not lose Beast Boy now, of all times. And anyway, time was ticking down for her to find Starfire, so the longer so wondered about this, the more chance there was of losing Starfire.
Raven repeated the moment she had snapped at Beast Boy in her head. Snapping, walking away, him saying things like that…
I don't know why you let me touch you like that…Oh hell.
He thought she regretted being with him. He was hurt because she thought she didn't want him. Why had she not thought of that sooner? Beast Boy was so self-conscious that he would immediately think she had regretting making love with him. And she had given him plenty of reasons to think so.
Raven groaned and stood up quickly. She had to go explain why she was so mad this morning. She didn't regret anything, and he had to know that. Hell, maybe she would even tell him that she loved him…eh, on second thought…
Raven ran to the apartment building, and flung open the door. By the time she was at the elevator, breathing labored, she wondered why she didn't just fly there…stupid emotions clouding her head…
It seemed like she was in the bloody elevators for hours. She leaped from the elevator as soon as the doors opened, and ran to her room. But paused. Something didn't feel right. Something…was different.
Raven pressed a hand to the wooden door, eyebrows drawn together. Why did the room reek of…anger? Stupid question. Beast Boy was probably in there, ready and waiting to rip her throat out. Raven sighed, debating if she should be brave and go in or run for the hills. She was leaning toward running, but fixing things with Beast Boy was more important.
Quietly, Raven opened the door. And froze. Beast Boy was leaning slightly on one side, holding his bleeding arm, while glaring at the person holding the gun. It took Raven a full minute to gather what was going on, and when she did, all attention was focused on her.
Beast Boy eyes, once clouded with pain and anger, faded away to panic. "Raven, run! Go get Twain or someone, now!"
Hell, she couldn't move if she wanted. She was too shocked. Beast Boy, hurt, blood dripping from his clawed fingers, held a gunpoint. Raven eyes snapped to the corner where they owner of the gun stood. Oh God.
Aiming the gun at her, Marty smiled. "Hello, Raven."
