"Who is it!?" Regent shrieked, half twelve-year-old who snuck downstairs to watch a scary movie, half housewife greeting a welcome visitor at lunchtime.

Before another series of hard knuckles on the door began, Regent was already up out of his chair, jogging across the room.

"What did you do?" The crooked nose of Dr Loanyard scolded as it pushed across the threshold. He then proceeded to scream like he'd fallen down an elevator shaft… and was also a cartoon mouse. Ian waved from the couch.

Loanyard backed out of the room. For the briefest moment, Ian told him self that that was it, evaluation completed. They he reappeared again. He leaned in close to Regent, black hair spilling out of place in spools, and Regent leaned in as well, mirroring so placidly and with so little intent that he almost didn't seem to know he was going it.

"Do you have any idea what you've done…" Loanyard whispered with the threat of a knife on his tongue, and despite his self-admitted cowardice, Ian could say he'd been more afraid of crossing the street.

Blinking just once, Regent raised a hand all the way up, then dropped it upon his counterpart's shoulder. For a long moment he said nothing.

"You're welcome." He spoke. Ian caught a laugh in his throat. Loanyard looked like he was about to erupt into frothing madness. He choked on a scoff, perhaps out of fear of Ian's cuddle buddy.

"Can you even fathom what you have taken part in?!" He wheezed into Regents personal space, ignoring Ian entirely. Ian Ignored him in turn, mostly because his leg was going numb.

"Hey, I didn't see you coming up with any better ideas..." Regent whispered back. A broken edge in his voice attempted to add intimidation to his usual candour and failed.

They both broke away from their closeness and turned in tandem to stare at the squeaking leather, and the two troublemakers on top of it. Ian froze where he had been trying to slide into a more comfortable lounging position.

"… Don't mind me." He said and smiled lopsidedly.

Loanyard rolled his eyes and moved to storm over… then immediately changed his mind and stepped backwards again. His face danced around several scolding expressions, as did his fingers.

Regent looked like he might have a coughing fit, trying as he was to hold in a reel of uncanny laughter. He was twitching like a rabbit and turned back to his desk, like a building-high crane turning on its base, only to crease his face in a toothy grimace. He brought a knuckled up to his mouth and bit down on it.

096… made a sound. It was a sound that sent Ian's stomach tumbling down through the floor, back down to the containment level. It was more lip than throat, all tongue and no wheezing. It stretched its back, stretched up and arm, and dragged Ian back down… And creaked its head back down onto his chest.

"Hello?" Ian spewed, like he'd been knocked into, and suddenly woken up from unconsciousness. 096 said nothing. Then it heaved a heavy breath, and sighed, and shuddered like a broken lawnmower trying to start up. It tucked its hand under the collar of Ian's coat. He lurched as the cold of its fingers drew close to his neck. "Hello?" He tried again, more conscious but utterly baffled.

His neck cracked as he turned, fish eyed, to Regent and Loanyard. Regent looked like he was cresting the highest point of a rollercoaster he didn't want to be on, arms raised and everything. Loanyard looked like he might hurl all over the floor.

"…Whose idea was this…?" Loanyard hissed eventually. He was apparently trying to conserve the rooms oxygen, because he barley spoke at all. Neither Ian nor Regent pointed any fingers. 096 rolled another sound around in its mouth. Ian desided he was no longer very happy being stuck underneath it. There was less than nothing he could do about it.

He stared at the two doctors. Neither of them said anything. 096 didn't say anything. Ian wasn't sure if he wanted to keep his mouth shut or succumb to the madness and start babbling like he could see all of time and space at once.

When Loanyard turned to the corner of the room, to have a private moment, potentially to weep, Ian caught Regent's eye and mouthed "Help me". What kind of help he wanted, he had no idea.

He took a moment to breathe, to actually take in oxygen rather than just recycling what was already in his lungs, to assess the settling behemoth snuggling against him, and when he looked back, Daniel Regent was directly beside him, crouched down beside the couch.

"Hey." He breathed. His tone was so sweet, and so scared. He sounded 10 years old. He sounded 100. He blinked and reached out a hand. "Hey now, how are you feeling? Are you comfy? You like it here, huh? Do you want something warmer to wear? Do you want something to drink? Can I Help you with anything? Huh?"

Each question he asked so softly and individually. He didn't talk down or talk up. He spoke barley above a whisper. He was so calm, he sounded so happy, that he might well have been talking to a new-born baby. He put his hand on its shoulder, soothing up and down, slowly, stirring warmth even Ian could feel. "You're not so bad, are you? Yeah, you're not so bad. You think we could be friends? Would you like that? You want to be my buddy?"

096 started moving. It wriggled like a kitten inside a sack, and arrange its arm, pushing its hand towards Regent's chest. Ian could almost imagine, though he didn't want to, the ease with which it could crack his face open. It's fingers reached his jaw, and bounced off. They shook and reached again, closing in until it could have taken a grip of his mandible. Instead, they trembled down, tracing the line of his veins, running into his collar, tweezing at it. They feel further and settled upon the bow tie nestled snuggly around his neck.

Ian's eyebrows rocketed into the stratosphere. A victim 096 might be, but he entirely expected for the next several seconds to yield a Regent who was significantly more headless than he was right now. Instead, it lightly tugged at the tartan bow. It almost looked like it was trying to straighten it, in a jagged, clumsy way. Regent sent Ian a look, and a razor-sharp wink.

"I see you like my style. I knew you would. Bow ties are cool." He muttered more excitedly and couldn't help a smile.

"You're insane." Loanyard mumbled, gripping the bridge of his nose.

"Let's face it, this is hardly the worst thing someones done with Big Boy here." Regent said over his shoulder.

"You two are going to get killed. As much as it pains me, I cannot allow that to happen."

Ian scowled.

"I thought we were cool." He whispered. Loanyard ignored him… for as long as possible. Then he signed. He sighed like his soul was trying to escape his body.

"This site comes back up to capacity in two weeks. I… Will advise site management of the situation…" He conceded, and every fibre of his body protested through his tone but could not affect his decision.

Ian broke out into a smile. So did Regent, though he did his best to hide it from Loanyard and slipped his arm between Ian and 096.

"Oh, have a little faith Jonah, we know what we're doing." Regent assured, leaning horizontally, half tangled in the nest of limbs that was the SCP. With a little easing and tugging, 096 sat up, unwillingly, and let go of Ian who wriggled out from under it, and immediately toppled over on his dead leg. Regent could have caught him, had he not immediately been wrapped and entrapped in a pair of gangly arms.

Loanyard sighed.

"We are all going to die…"

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… So was anyone gona tell me that 096 wasn't a keter anymore? Or was I just supposed to find that out from The Volgun?

NO that was NOT an error in my earlier chapters! 096 Was Just A Keter when I wrote those chapters in 2016 and I just…. NEVER CHECKED AGAIN. Because Why Would I, I thought it was a fair categorisation! Set that thing loose in Times Square and tell me its NOT a Keter. I dare you.

Also, this is my… biyearly? Reminder that I need comments to survive. No kidding, I revived this fic because of one comment… after 5 years… SO PLEASE. I BEG.

So, you know how my chapters are like… 1000 words or so?
The next few are… a fair bit longer…. By like…. a bit…..

ANYWAY, comment. If you have a favourite SCP, got any ideas for Procedures we could Insert Ian into, I will list you as the proposing Doctor if I write about them… So long as you like… leave a Doctor Name… It will be cool, trust me…

Peace!