It was starting to rain, just a few stray drops so far, but judging by how black the sky had suddenly turned, it was only a matter of time before they were caught in the middle of a full blown thunderstorm. Carter didn't know why he was surprised, it was typical of how things had been going lately that a pivotal dramatic moment like this should be punctuated with dark clouds and howling winds. Maybe the hospital roof hadn't been the best place to have this conversation.
Abby hadn't said anything since he'd finished his side of the story and that was at least ten minutes ago. All she had done is light up a cigarette, despite his disapproving glance, and stared out over the city.
The silence was starting to get to him so he decided to risk speaking. "I'm sorry." He wished there was something else he could say, something other than apologizing, something that wouldn't lead to her trying to push him off the building. He had never wanted them to end up here, this was actually what he'd been trying to avoid but as usual it had all backfired. He'd been too much of a coward to be honest with her and now he'd only ended up hurting her more.
"You're sorry?" At least she was still talking to him, even if it was in that incredulous tone. She took another drag, exhaling slowly. "Is that all you're gonna say, that you're sorry?"
He knew the answer to that question should be no, but there was anger in her voice now and he preferred to have her yelling at him than letting the silence continue, so he just shrugged. It worked like a charm, though maybe a little too well.
"Six months, six fucking months. Was it all just a joke to you? Let's make Abby trust me, then just fuck her." She'd moved away from the edge of the building and was now pacing around in small circles.
He changed his mind about preferring her to be mad and decided to argue his case. "No, it wasn't like that." He took a step towards her but she immediately backed away.
"Then what was it like, Carter?"
Carter. That made him flinch. It'd been John for the past six months, most of the time anyway, but now he was back to being Carter. He retreated to staring at the floor, trying to think of how he could explain things further without pissing her off more than he already had. So far he wasn't succeeding. He tried for another minute then gave up, turning back to face her to find her still waiting for that explanation he couldn't seem to give her. She was standing with her arms wrapped around herself, as if that alone could protect her from being hurt anymore. She seemed to realise that he had nothing to say and turned to leave.
He might not have know what to say but he did know he didn't want her to leave, so he reached out, grabbing her arm and spinning her back round to face him. "Abby, wait."
He guessed she didn't appreciate being manhandled as she shot him a murderous look and pulled free of his grasp. "Is there a reason why I should?"
"Because I love you." He knew it was a mistake before he said it, but he had nothing else left to offer her. He was still surprised though when she slapped him.
"How the hell can you stand there and say something like that?"
"Because it's true." It might not be the best answer but at least he was being honest now, though he doubted that would mean much to her and he can't really blame her for that.
She was practically laughing. "Right, you love me. That explains everything. Why you applied for a job in LA and didn't tell me. Why you starting taking drugs again and didn't think that was important enough to share with me."
"Once, I slipped up once."
"And that makes it okay?"
He sighed, shoved his hands into his pockets and shook his head. "No, it doesn't," he conceded. "But Abby..."
She held up a hand, cutting him off. "Don't, just don't."
She once again turned to leave and this time he let her. She disappeared inside just as the storm finally hit.
"You had no right to tell her." Carter slipped out of his jacket, throwing it over the arm of Susan's sofa, childishly not caring if it dripped a pool of rainwater onto her carpet. He slumped down onto the couch and sighed.
Susan entered from the kitchen, bearing two cups of coffee and offered him one. "If you'd done it yourself, I wouldn't have had to."
"I would have told her if you'd given me time." He accepted the coffee, half-emptying the mug immediately.
"I gave you time. What were you planning to do, tell her in a phonecall from the plane to LA?"
He scowled at her. "I would have told her."
"Maybe, but Abby's my friend. I wasn't going to lie to her. She deserved to know the truth. If you didn't want me to say anything, you shouldn't have told me."
"I'm your friend. I thought I could trust you." He wasn't really angry at Susan and his efforts at pretending to be were half-hearted. In a way he was glad she'd told Abby. Despite what he'd just claimed, he might very well just made a run for LA.
"You can." Susan dropped down into one of the armchairs, sliding her mug onto the coffee table. "And if the situation had been reversed, if Abby had been lying to you, I'd have told you the truth."
"That means so much to me," he muttered, wondering why he had ever thought coming over to Susan's was a good idea.
She shrugged, then asked, "How mad was she?"
"Pretty mad." It was an understatement but he knew Susan would guess as much.
"Well, I can't say I blame her."
"I never meant to hurt her." He downed the rest of his drink, placing the empty cup next to Susan's.
"I know that, but did you tell Abby?"
He leant forward, resting his head in his hands. "Kind of. I don't think I did a good job of explaining things."
"Then try again."
He didn't see Abby readily giving him that chance. "You think she'll even talk to me?"
She shrugged again and it was starting to annoy him. "You've gotta try."
"Maybe it's not worth it."
Apparently she wasn't in the mood for his self-pitying attitude. "For god's sake, Carter, grow up. I know this is your first adult relationship but you can't just throw it all away because it gets a little difficult." She folds her arms. "Life's complicated, Carter, get used to it."
"You think I don't know that? I think I probably know that better than you do."
She sighed, collapsed back into the chair, her tone softening as she apologised, "I'm sorry. I just don't want to see you give up so easily."
"I've really screwed things up, haven't I?"
"Maybe they're not as bad as you think."
"I think we both know they are and you're really not very good at comforting people, are you?"
"I can offer ice cream if that would help."
"Strangely I don't think it would." He leant back, resting his head on the sofa. "They offered me the job in LA."
"I take it you're going to accept?"
"There's nothing here for me now."
"Apart from family, friends."
"All people I've let down. I can't face them."
"They'd understand."
"Would they? I was clean for two years. They wouldn't understand why I'd throw everything away like that. Hell, I don't understand it."
"You made a mistake."
"Yeah, but they're always gonna be wondering, you know. If I'm still using, whispering behind my back. I don't think I could handle that."
"And what about, Abby?"
"I don't know. I honestly don't know."
At least it wasn't raining this time. It wasn't much of a comfort but he'll take whatever he can. He wasn't sure why he'd asked her to meet him here, at their bench. Right now all it was doing is bringing back memories he'd rather not think about. He'd waited fifteen minutes and had just about given up hope when he spotted her walking down the steps. He stood up as she approached. "I didn't think you'd come."
Abby joined him, leaning against the railing, her back to him. "Why wouldn't I?"
"Maybe cause you've spent the past week avoiding me and ignoring my phonecalls."
Abby shrugged. "I nearly didn't show, but seeing as it's your last night in Chicago, I figured I'd hear you out. You sounded like crap in your message." There was a coldness to her voice that left him unsettled, a feeling not helped by the fact he was the reason for it.
They were silent for a moment, he guessed she had nothing to say and he didn't know what to say. She hadn't even looked at him, she was just staring down at the water but he knew she would listen, she wouldn't have come otherwise. "I wanted to explain things, better than I did last time, but I'm just not sure I can."
"I'm not sure you need to." She glanced back at him. "You took drugs. I get that, Carter. What I don't get is why you couldn't tell me about it."
He wished he had an answer for her but he doesn't, so he just let her continue. "What does that say about us, about our relationship? To me it says we were just kidding ourselves."
He thought she was wrong, hell he knew she was wrong, but he didn't have the strength to argue with her, not when it wouldn't achieve anything. "You understand why I can't stay here though, right? Why I've got to leave?"
"Because you're a coward? You'd rather run than face up to things."
"I can't stay at County anymore, not after this. Everyone will just be waiting for me to screw up again. You know they will."
She turned to face him. "And what about me? I wasn't important enough to involve in this decision?"
"I was going to tell you, but every time I tried, I just couldn't do it, let you down like that. You'd only just gotten sober again, I didn't want you to have to deal with my problem as well."
"That should have been my decision to make."
"I know, I just didn't want to hurt you."
"Well, nice job, Carter." The sarcasm was an improvement on the coldness but not by much. "If Susan hadn't have told me, would you ever have?"
"I wanted to wait, til I heard about the Los Angeles job. I wouldn't have left without saying anything, you know I wouldn't have done that."
"Do I? I'm not sure I know you anymore." She sighed. "Maybe I never did."
"That's not true." He moved to stand beside her. "You know me better than anyone."
She surprised him by moving closer to him and reaching out, placing a hand on his chest. "Then stay. I'm asking you to stay."
"I can't. I need a fresh start, away from here." He risked slipping his hands around her waist and thankfully she didn't pull away. "Come with me." He shocked both of them. It wasn't something he had ever planned on asking her, though he didn't know why.
She continued to stare at him, then eventually shook her head. "I can't."
"Why not?"
"I can't just pack everything up and move to California. We're not kids anymore, Carter."
"What is there keeping you here?"
"What is there for me in LA?"
"Me." He didn't expect it to change her mind, but it did earn him a laugh, though there was no happiness in it.
"And what do I do when we break up?"
"Never happen."
"Never happen? What do you think we're doing now?"
"So we're going through a rough patch." He hoped she wouldn't call him on his lie. "Every couple has them. I promise you, Abby, you come to LA, we'll make this work."
"It took us forever to get together and we break up after six months? You can't make promises like that." She pulled away from him. "This just isn't the right time for us."
"So that's it? I can't stay in Chicago, you won't move to LA, so it's over?"
"Looks like it. A clean break, right?"
"I didn't mean from you."
"I know, but..."
"It'll be easier this way?"
She nodded. "Pretty much. Might hurt for a while but we'll get over it, right?"
"After everything we've been through, I can't believe we're doing this."
"Me neither. You'd better go before one of us changes their mind."
He'd fight for this if she said it was what she wanted, but she didn't though. He leant in and kissed her. When he felt her respond, it was almost enough to make him stay, but he managed to pull away. She must have closed her eyes when he had kissed her as they were still closed now. With a last look at her, he slowly walked away without another word, without looking back.
