Saturday's supposed to be the happiest day of my life. So why do I get the feeling it's gonna be the worst? Course, I've been here before, with Richard. And for some reason, I can't help feeling that this time it's gonna end just as badly.

The apartment seems quiet with Dave out on his bachelor party and Ryan fast asleep. Normally I would be glad of the peace but not lately. Not tonight. It leaves too much time to think. And that's always been a bad thing. In the past, I've always avoided thinking about stuff too much, usually by getting pissed. I can't do that anymore. Not because of me. No, my health or happiness has never stopped me before. But now I've got Ryan to think about. And after last time, I won't do that to him again. So, here I am, just me and my thoughts.

I stare at my reflection in the mirror that's hung above the dresser. I don't recognise myself anymore. So much has happened in the past two years. Things I never expected. Being with Carter; having a child, something I'd given up on after the abortion. Then ending up with Dave. And now getting married again. If someone had said four years ago that this is where I'd be, I'd have accused them of being on drugs.

All the decisions I've made have brought me here, but were they the right ones? I'm not sure anymore. No, that's not true. I was never sure. It was just easier to let things happen. To not fight it. Not have to think for myself. But this is what's best for Ryan. Isn't he more important than me? Yeah, course he is. And Dave's a good man. He loves me. He won't let me down. Hardly reasons for marrying someone though, are they? Or they shouldn't be. It's killing me to keep telling people I love him, that he makes me happy. Maybe in time it'll be true. I hope so cause I don't think I could cope with being forced to admit the truth. And that's what always ends up happening. It happened with Richard, with Luka; and a part of me knows the same will eventually happen with Dave. The other part though, the part I always listen to, tells me to ignore the truth; that it's easier that way. As usual this side will win out. Even so, I can't help feeling that this is gonna be the biggest mistake of my life, and I've made some large ones before. I keep thinking about running away; that's always been my usual strategy for coping. It's either that or ignore the problem and I know how that turned out with my drinking.  I've thought about just taking off a lot lately. If I'm honest, the only reason I'm still here is because of Ryan. Though, maybe a part of me doesn't want to let Dave down. Not after everything he's done for me since Ryan was born.

            And then there's Carter. The doomed relationship with the man I love. More wreckage from the life of Abby. I can't help laughing at myself. How did I end up in this situation again? After Luka, I should know that going for the 'safe' option is not the best idea. But I just can't handle being hurt again. And at least this way, no one else will.

            A knock on the door startles me. At first I think I'm hearing things, it's so quiet. I hope I did imagine it. Despite the fact that I hate having time to myself right now, I think it would be worse to have Susan or Chen turn up and have to discuss wedding plans. I'm about to go check on Ryan, when there's a second knock, louder this time. Sighing, I go to answer it.

*******************************************************

Why am I doing this? That thought won't leave me alone. An entire plane journey later and I still don't know the answer. Yet even after a quick phone call to Susan and a taxi ride here, I've still not turned around and headed back to LA. I've walked up to her apartment so many times before, but I don't think I've ever been this nervous; not even when having to face her after she found out about the drugs.  That seems like a lifetime ago, yet if I'm honest I still haven't left my life in Chicago behind. I guess a part of me always thought I'd be back; that things would work out for me and Abby. That part's still hoping they will. I'm not so sure though. The sensible side of me, the logical part is telling me the opposite; to turn around and leave, before anyone else gets hurt.

I'm not gonna listen to that voice though; not this time. It's that that said to leave Chicago in the first place; the same part that said stay in LA when I found out about Ryan. And look how that turned out. This time I'm not gonna take the easy way out. The only problem is I don't think Abby will agree with me. I know this won't be easy for her; for either of us. But I just can't sit at the other side of the country and do nothing. I'm angry at myself for leaving her not once but twice. I foolishly thought that she'd just wait til we could be together. I realise now though that there never will be a right time. Love's not like that. When things start to go wrong in a relationship, if you love that person enough, you should be able to take strength from each other and make it through together right? Which brings me back to the fact I shouldn't be here. Maybe I gave up that right when I first walked away. On the other hand, I don't care about that. I just want to see her, talk to her.

The other thing I'm not sure about is if I have the strength to walk away again if she really is happy with Dave. I don't know if I can handle hearing her say she doesn't love me. If that's true though, I guess at least I'll know for sure where we stand. That there isn't an 'us' anymore; that there won't be ever again.

 I know that I'm gonna hurt her by just being here. I don't know if she'll even talk to me. I can see her just slamming the door in my face. I have to try though. I can't spend my life regretting not trying to win her back.

            I knock gently on the door before I can change my mind. I have a fleeting urge to run down the corridor and to not stop until I'm on a plane back to LA. I manage to stay where I am. Just about. I take a couple of steps back, but a quick thought about Abby, about Ryan and I move back to her door.

            I get a feeling of relief when no one answers. It's short-lived though, turning to concern that she's had an accident; or wishful thinking, but maybe she's not that sure about marrying Dave after all and has made a run for it. I laugh as I picture her grabbing Ryan and catching a plane to Mexico; maybe phoning Susan from the airport and telling her to come out and join them for a holiday sometime, and by the way could she tell Dave his bride wouldn't be at the church on Saturday. Or maybe she wouldn't go so far, just flee to Boston, hoping Dave wouldn't even try and find her. Or then again, she could just of not heard me knock. That would actually make sense. Sighing, I bang on the door, louder this time.