Okay, okay…so I
didn't want to reveal the "ship" behind this little story here
because frankly, I didn't want people—assuming
they have an inclination similar to mine—to judge their reading of
my story solely on that. Plus, it's really fun to keep you
guessing and all aflutter. :)
But now, because of
the many pleadings as well as the fact that this chapter might lead
you to draw some hasty conclusions, I will tell you, guarantee you,
this is going to be a Derek/Addison story. Eventually. And I never
imagined another way to end it, either.
So…are you happy? I caved and told you! You broke me.
Okay, on to the story…
Chapter Four
"So what's the story? Ooh. Sorry." Izzie popped her head up from behind the coffee machine suddenly, startling Meredith to the point her coffee-in-progress popped out of her grasp and landed in the garbage.
"Thank God for small favors." She muttered, regarding the caffeinated beverage with only one of her usual two spoonfuls of sugar as it ran in streams down a rejected plastic plate, staining a half-eaten sandwich. Better than on her scrubs.
With a sigh, she grabbed another cup and began to fill it again.
"So…what is the story?' Izzie asked again, practically bouncing with anticipation.
"It's Ebstein's Anomaly." Meredith granted her, carefully pouring two spoonfuls of sugar into the cup. She focused much more on that than she needed to, because suddenly she didn't feel like dishing with Izzie. It wasn't Izzie, because she was only curious, and normally Meredith would have just told her (especially about the gorgeous Dr. Derek Shepherd), but out of a kind of respect, she supposed, for Sadie, she stopped speaking.
"That's it? Jeez, with all the gossip going around I would have thought it was the plague, or a two-penised fetus." She mused, obviously disappointed. Meredith rolled her eyes.
"Why is it we wish the worst for our patients to amuse ourselves?" she asked rhetorically. Izzie shrugged as she pulled a bagel from the kiosk.
"Not necessarily the worst. I'd rather have two penises than Ebstein's. At least with two penises it's not overly invasive. You just—snip." She made a scissoring motion with her fingers and laughed when George walked over.
"I don't even want to know." He told them, shaking his head and pulling a cup from the dispenser.
"You're right." Meredith assured him, sipping her coffee.
"So what's the huge
consult the Chief put you on with Burke?" he asked easily.
Before
Meredith could share, Izzie piped up, "Oh, it's just Ebstein's
Anomaly."
"Oh." George said with a shrug, taking a swig of his coffee only to pull back and hiss, "Hot!" and run for ice chips.
"Are you talking about the case you Bogarted from me?" Cristina asked sarcastically, appearing beside Izzie with charts in hand.
"I hardly Bogarted the case from you. I was just the only pin standing when Bailey swept through the corridor. Besides, it's only Ebstein's Anomaly." Meredith argued.
"Seriously? Never
mind then. This craniotomy is more involved anyway." And with that,
Cristina disappeared with her charts.
"See?" Meredith
indicated to Izzie with a jab of her hand.
"That's Cristina, Mer, not everybody. Some of us are actually in this to save lives, not to play with people's insides." With that, the cheery blonde's pager exploded in a cacophony, and she bound off in the direction of neonatal with a quick, "See you!"
Finally alone, Meredith took a leisurely sip from her drink.
Not two seconds later, a form appeared by her side.
"Oh! Dr. Shepherd!" Meredith greeted, once again startled when she recognized Addison Shepherd standing beside her. The woman looked frazzled. Well, as frazzled as Meredith imagined she ever looked. Her hair was a bit mussed and her eyes were puffy.
"Is that for employed doctors, only?" she inquired to the coffee machine, looking desperate. Meredith shook her head.
"No, have some." She moved to the side as Addison pulled a cup from the dispenser and filled it with coffee.
"You would think in Seattle I'd be able to find Seattle's Best Coffee." Addison observed. "But this is the only place I've seen it. Everywhere else is that damned Starbucks."
Meredith had to laugh. "Not a fan?"
"Yeah, and I think I'm the only one on the island of Manhattan, too." Addison quipped, taking a long pull from her cup and seeming to ease a bit.
"Well, not the only one in the country. I personally think it's pretty disgusting, too."
Addison smiled genuinely now, the tension in her face loosening a bit. She still seemed on edge, and for the first time since meeting her, Meredith felt sorry for her.
"Sadie's a great kid." Meredith said, not entirely sure why.
"Thank you." Addison acknowledged quietly. A moment passed before she said, "She thinks highly of you, too. I think you're the only person, besides my husband or I, who knows what she's talking about when she goes on about Bringing Up Baby or The Philadelphia Story. Seriously, she was impressed."
"Well, Katherine Hepburn was kind of my hero growing up. I was the only kid then who watched her, too." Meredith said with a smile, recalling memories of watching late-night television and falling in love with old Hollywood movies while she waited to hear the rumble of her mother's car and the open and close of the front door, signaling her arrival home.
Addison smiled again, indulging in her coffee.
"Well, I'm glad she's in the company of friends." She drained the cup, discarded it delicately, and held out her hand. "Thank you, Dr. Grey."
Meredith took it. "Meredith, please, Dr. Shepherd."
"Well, then Addison, please, Meredith."
We should get divorced. Had he actually heard that right?
Yes. He had.
Derek had then proceeded to watched dumbly when Meredith Grey had reappeared moments later with Sadie, and Addison had practically ran from his grasp in the bathroom. He hadn't objected, obviously, in front of Sadie, but as soon as the little girl had drifted off to sleep and the opportunity to talk again had reappeared, Addison had been off like a shot to find coffee.
He had waited, collecting his patience and temper, and made sure Sadie was asleep, before he set off down the halls of the surgical floor in search of her.
After making two circles around the wing and then stumbling onto the main lobby, he spotted her, up on the catwalk by a coffee machine, talking to the pretty Dr. Grey.
He admonished himself as he bound up the stairs. It wasn't very professional or respectful to think of her as "pretty Dr. Grey," but she was. In a childish way. She looked to him, as a man and as someone well acquainted with the human mind, as someone who beneath the intelligence and inherited brilliance was not loved as much as she needed or deserved to be.
Her small, delicate frame and loosely tied blonde hair spilling down the back of her rumpled blue scrubs only emphasized this nearly waifish quality, and it was accentuated even more so as he watched her next to Addison, who was tall, impeccably dressed in sleek black, and very womanly.
But then, appearances could be deceiving. He knew Addison, too, to be a woman in need of a lot of things, despite the façade of complete calm, control, and sometimes, even aloofness that she wore like a shield.
Dr. Grey spotted him first, as Addison's back was to his approach, and she acknowledged him with a head nod. He smiled easily, and came along the side of his wife.
"Hello, Dr. Grey. Addison." He greeted. Dr. Grey smiled and greeted him casually, whereas Addison straightened and seemed to be looking for an escape. Luckily, he had the presence of Dr. Grey to deter that.
"Discussing pertinent matters, I'm sure." He observed with another easy smile, seeming to subtly take his wife's unoccupied hand in a gesture of affection. She, much more subtly than he, bit her well-manicured nail into his palm, realizing his plan. He forced a smile for Dr. Grey.
"Actually, we were just discussing the pros and cons of film noir." Meredith supplied.
"Oh," he managed, clearing his throat. "Well, Sadie would be sad to hear she missed that."
"Is she still asleep?" Addison asked evenly.
"Sound. Dr. Burke said that would be a result of the medication." He responded, smiling even wider as Addison pressed harder.
"Well, you two should probably go somewhere, get something to eat, and relax." Meredith suggested, finishing her coffee and throwing it in the trash. "She'll probably be out for a few hours, at least."
"That…" Derek swallowed. "…is a good idea."
"There's a great place just down the block for Italian. You can have a great view of the harbor, too. Lots of ferries at this hour." She suggested again, though ever so slowly becoming aware of some unspoken standoff between the Shepherds.
Derek only smiled. "That's wonderful. I love ferryboats."
Meredith watched their exit thoughtfully from the catwalk. Derek had held Addison's hand as they made it down the stairway and out of the sliding door's mouth onto the sidewalk, but as soon as they assumed themselves to be outside scrutiny, Addison had pulled her hand free and Derek had turned his own upward, examining it. Meredith frowned and wondered just what the hell was up with those two.
In front of the hospital, Addison was fuming and not hiding it, a fact that was serving to fan the flames of Derek's temper.
"Derek, do I look like I want to go out to dinner with you? Do I look like I even want to be in the same room, right now?" she demanded, her face flushed. After flexing his sore hand a few times, he responded with equal venom.
"Do you think you're my number one choice of company right now?"
"Then why the little show for Dr. Grey? Why are we out here?" she demanded, gesturing wildly to the somber atmosphere that was fall in Seattle.
"Because, whether either of us likes it or not, we have to talk. And I'd prefer not to do it in front of Sadie or the surgical staff of Seattle Grace."
"I've said all I need to say." Addison attempted to storm by him, but he grabbed her by the arm before she could pass. Not hard enough to hurt her, but hard enough she stopped in her tracks.
"Would you stop acting like a god damned child?" he asked in a low voice. "Do you really think I'm just going to let you walk away like this? I'm not going to give up on us that quickly, Addison, even if you are."
She didn't respond for a long time, only looked past him with anger and pain coloring her face and eyes. He waited, unrelenting in his hold.
"Fine." She managed through gritted teeth, and spun on her heel towards their car. He followed, relishing, if only temporarily, in victory.
They settled on—or more like, went to the only place that Addison did more than glare at—a take-out sushi establishment two blocks away from the hospital. Derek ordered only rice, trying hard to hold back his gag reflex as he watched the chef chopping up the raw fish for Addison's order. When the man finally handed the clear plastic box to Derek with the fleshy salmon strips swaddled in rice and seaweed looking up at him, he handed the money over and exited as quickly as was humanly possible.
When he returned to the
Car of Hostility as he had affectionately dubbed it, Addison silently
took the package he offered and dug in, using her chopsticks with
clipped, efficient speed. He poked at his rice a bit before
speaking.
"Why divorce?" Why beat around the bush?
The purposeful, rhythmic clicking of her chopsticks was interrupted momentarily, but then resumed.
"It's all we've got left, Derek. We did marriage counseling. We did individual therapy. Nothing has changed. Hell, it's gotten worse." She informed him matter-of-factly. Her clicking chopsticks gained force, and he gave her a few moments before his hand shot out and steadied her.
"And that's it? You're just going to throw away everything we've been for eleven years, eleven years, after a few sessions of therapy? Think of Sadie, for God's sake." he asked, fear chewing away at him when she wouldn't meet his gaze. Another few moments passed.
"What do you suggest?" she countered.
"I suggest we just forgive each other, and forget about it. Move on." He expelled exasperatingly. Her eyebrows shot up, and she turned her upper body towards him.
"Seriously? You want to just forget it? Pretend none of it ever happened?"
"Yes! If we could just move on past it, we'll work on the other stuff!" Derek insisted. To his surprise, Addison laughed.
"What? What is so funny?" he demanded, his brows knitting in confusion.
"You, Derek. Us. Don't you realize this kind of denial is what is at the very root of all our problems?" she practically shrieked amidst her humorless laughter.
"No, Addison, I think the fact that you had sex with another man is closer to the root of our problems."
With that comment, she was silenced, Derek assumed in guilt, and his fury was intense enough to cook the raw food on her lap. He averted his heated stare to the steering wheel before him, as if it had been the catalyst to create this entire situation.
"At least you finally said it out loud." she finally remarked morosely.
"Does that actually make you happy?" he demanded, raising his voice so loud that a poly-tattooed and –pierced couple exiting the sushi restaurant paused and stared for a few moments. When Addison didn't respond, only glassily and miserably stared into her hands, Derek slammed his fist into the steering wheel with all of his strength, cracking his fingers in various places.
"Jesus Christ, Addison. Why are you doing this? Why are you making this all so…Why do we have to talk about it?" he screamed, practically rattling the windows.
"Because, Derek, this cycle of denial, of just ignoring the problems in our marriage and in our lives in the hopes they'll disappear has got to end!" she returned, her volume matching his.
"That's it? That's your justification?"
"I'm not excusing it, Derek, I'm just telling you why. There is a world of difference. And what other motive would it be? Just to cause you pain? Do you think that's my goal here? No, Derek, I just wanted you to, for once, acknowledge me! Acknowledge us!"
"So you didn't think that by sleeping with another man, you would cause me any pain? Do you think it's easy for me to even look at you without thinking about him, and his hands all over you?" he grabbed her wrists in either of his hands and pulled them to his chest.
"Or what about…what about your hands all over him?" he demanded barely above a whisper now, with tears running down his face. "How do you think it feels for me to picture that?"
Now it she who began to
cry, first only tears streaking down her face in free-flowing rivers
that took her expensive mascara with them, but soon, as he held her
in that position, her entire body was wracked with sobs.
"Yes,
yes, yes!" she managed between gasps for breath. "I did think of
you, Derek, the…entire…time. And that's why I didn't
actually have sex with him!" she sobbed so hard that her
sentence ended there, and her head hung downward, resting in her arms
as he held them in crushing strength.
The scene was tragic. At the sound of her agonized sobbing and gasps for breath, as well as his own personal pain and the built up stress concerning Sadie gushing out, Derek began crying unabashedly, resting his head against Addison's. People stopped and surveyed the scene, but soon assessed that no one was being more abused than the other, and moved on.
"Derek…Derek…" Addison managed finally, feeling emotionally spent, and using her numb fingers to wipe the tears from his eyes. "Please, please don't cry." Acting instinctively, she cradled his head on her shoulder as he continued to cry, though he was controlling it much better than she had.
She spent a long while running her hands comfortingly through his hair, and after a while, he became silent. Then, he wound his arms around her.
"Why didn't you tell me the other night?" he asked miserably, his head still buried in her shoulder.
""Did it matter, Derek? You were so sure…"
"Of course it matters!" He said forcefully, sitting up. "I thought you had an affair!"
"But don't you see?" She whispered as more tears ran down her cheeks. "You were so quick to push it aside, to act as if the idea of my having an affair was no matter. I knew then, I knew we would never be able to get out of this…this sick denial. That there was nothing, nothing in the world that would ever make you acknowledge me, us, or our marriage again. Not even my having sex, even if it was just in your mind, with another man, was enough to get you to care."
She took a deep breath, and exhaled it heavily. "This is why we can't be together anymore. You don't care enough, not anymore."
With that, he withdrew
his head from her shoulder, moving his forehead to rest against hers,
their eyelashes practically touching.
"Are you so sure of my
indifference that you don't even want to try anymore?" he
asked in a gravelly voice, abused and coarse from his crying.
She opened her mouth, but then closed it. She wanted to scream, at the top of her lungs, No. No. No, a thousand times, no. I love you.
But when she opened her mouth again, she only said, "I can't wait anymore, Derek. I can't wait for it to pass."
A/N: So…this chapter pretty much speaks for itself. Let me know what you think…and stay tuned, if you're not too angry with me!
