Chapter one

Let's go, I guess

Princess Peach took a sip of tea. "Well, this is nice, isn't it?" she said. She received no reply.

She looked around at the other people sitting at the table, and the false smile fell from her face when she realized nobody was paying enough attention to see it.

Mario pushed around the remaining crumbs on his plate with his fork. Luigi had fallen asleep, his face smushed into the half-eaten slice of cake on his plate – an amusing sight, but only enough for a slight exhalation from the nose. Daisy, seated next to her, had just realized she was being spoken to, and flashed her a half-smile, using her teacup to hide its retreat from her face.

Peach sighed, leaning back in her chair. It took all of her regal restraint to keep from propping her feet up on the table. She settled for summoning a Toad with a footstool, which he brought without comment or enthusiasm.

She didn't know why everyone was feeling this way. The kingdom was flourishing, their quality of life was better than ever, and she was surrounded by some of her best friends. She had no reason to be feeling this way, and everyone else had even less reason. They were at peace, something that every kingdom strived for, but now that they finally had it, everyone seemed not to know what to do with it. Baking cakes, usually her island of respite in the sea of chaos that was her life, now felt utterly banal. Even the Vibe Scepter, her most prized possession, brought only fleeting joy.

She'd hoped that inviting Daisy might at least make a difference, but it turned out that it was much the same with her. Her kingdom was also doing just fine, save for a slump in productivity. No strife within the kingdom, or from outside, for that matter – Bowser hadn't even been seen there in months.

Bowser…

"Say," Peach said, straightening herself. "We haven't heard from Bowser in a while, have we?"

This remark earned the attention of two of the three guests. "Nope," Daisy said. "Been quiet for a while now. It's…great."

"I bet he's up to something," Peach said, standing up. "Some kind of plot."

Mario lifted his head from his hand, somewhat interested.

"Any time things are quiet on his front, it means trouble for us," she continued. "The longer the quiet, the bigger the trouble."

"Yeah!" Daisy said, having found a bit of enthusiasm. "Last time he left you guys alone for this long, he was off making friends with a dragon! I bet he's coming up with a scheme right now!"

"Well, we can't just let that happen again, can we?" Peach said.

Mario roused his brother, relaying the conversation this far to him. Luigi shrugged. "Again?" he asked drowsily.

Daisy's fleeting excitement started to fade. "So, you guys will go over there and stop whatever he's planning, and we'll…just sit here and wait, I guess."

The brothers nodded, but Peach interjected. "Not this time," she said. "I'm coming, too."

"What?" Toadsworth blurted out, rushing over. "Please, your Majesty – if Bowser is plotting something, you should stay here, where it's safe!"

Peach patted him on the head. "The safest place I could be is with Mario and Luigi," she said reassuringly. "I'll be fine."

Besides, I'm not spending another second in this castle. It's more of a prison than anything Bowser could come up with.

"I'll come, too!" Daisy shouted. She seemed especially enthused by the prospect of an adventure, since she'd been on so few.

Mario and Luigi showed little such enthusiasm. They stepped out of their chairs and prepared for the journey, their cries of "Let's-a-go" rote and perfunctory. They seemed to realize how flimsy Peach's rationale was, and it was clear they were just going through the motions. But at least they were in motion.

xxxxxxx

A lone Koopa swept the floor of the hallway leading up to Bowser's throne room. He looked up at them, gave a small wave, then returned to his duty. He was the only minion the four of them had encountered on their way to the king. The drawbridge was down, the gates wide open. No traps halted their progress, and any lava they saw was purely decorative. There hadn't been a single locked door in their way, or even a closed door, for that matter. The same was true for the throne room door, which lay open to reveal Bowser, lounging in his throne.

Daisy leaned over to the bros. "Is it always this…easy?" she whispered.

Luigi shook his head. Mario nodded.

Bowser's posture and demeanor made no change as the quartet marched in, as he regarded them with half-lidded eyes. "Well, well," he muttered in a deep baritone. "Look who my minions didn't drag in. Peach, Mario, Luigi, and…Daisy, right?" He propped up his head with a fist. "Wondering what's taking me so long? Or are you here to kidnap me, just to mix things up?"

"Save it, Bowser!" Peach declared. "We know you're up to something!"

Bowser chuckled bitterly. "Up to something, sure. Plotting to kidnap you, maybe? Because that's all I ever do?"

"Well…yeah," Peach said, losing steam.

"Oh, sure," he grumbled. "I kidnap you, spirit you away, maybe send my kids out to take some castles, then wait for your red and green retrievers to come and fetch you. Every. Single. Time." He leaned forward in his chair. "Well, guess what, princess? I was planning to kidnap you. It was a good plan – probably my best plan ever. But I gave up. You know why? Because after I had put it all together, I realized I was already planning for what would happen when Mario beat me. My greatest plan, and I already knew it wasn't going to work." He sank back into his seat. "It's the same thing every time. I do all the work, put in 100 percent, spent tons of money on castles, traps, weapons, construction, and then those two buffoons run through it all while the paint's still wet. And what do I have to show for it? Nothing, except a few new bruises."

Bowser looked down, sighing deeply. "Then, I decided I'd try something else. Something other than kidnapping you and taking over the kingdom. I've got all these resources, so surely I could do something with them. I couldn't even get started, because I don't even know how to do anything else. I've been trying to kidnap you and beat Mario for so long, I've forgotten how to do the other things that make me happy – if I ever had any to begin with. And now that even that doesn't cheer me up…what will? What could?"

The four heroes just stood there, listening to his rant. Once it was over, they remained silent. What else could they say?

Eventually Peach stepped forward, a gloved hand outstretched. "Oh, Bowser-"

Bowser snapped his head up. "Don't pity me," he snapped. "That just makes it worse."

Peach pulled her hand away. Mario and Luigi stepped forward, fists raised.

Bowser pushed himself out of his throne, groaning in his fight against entropy. "I don't want to fight," he said, taking a few plodding steps forward. "We all know how it'll end, right? But that's what you came here for. Maybe, once it's over, you'll leave, and I can go back to sitting here in silence. Just do me a favor and break some stuff on your way out. My carpenters are just as bored as I am." He raised his fists.

"No," Peach said, loud and clear. Everyone turned to look at her. "We're as bored as you are, Bowser, but it won't be fun for any of us to beat you up for no reason." Mario and Luigi nodded, lowering their hands. "There must be something else we can do. Together."

Bowser snorted. "Like what? Karting? Tennis? We've done it all already. That's old hat, too."

Daisy put a hand to her chin. "What about Smash?" she volunteered. "You always seem happy there."

Bowser rolled his eyes. "You don't know how it works, do you? The Hand organizes the Smash tournaments, not us. We get a letter in the mail, and then we go. What, do you think we could just fly over to Hyrule or Dreamland and ask them to punch us in the face?"

"Yes," Peach realized.

"What?"

"There's nothing stopping us from having an unofficial tournament," she said. "It'll be a bit more leg work, sure, but…I've got time. I say we do it."

The two brothers looked at her, excitement beginning to flicker on their faces for the first time in a while. "Oh yeah!" Luigi exclaimed. Mario nodded in assent as well.

"Well, not me," grumbled Bowser. "I've got better things to do than listen to Ganondorf brag about how easy it is to conquer his kingdom."

"Like what?" Peach asked, hands on her hips. "Sit here and stare at the wall?"

Bowser sighed heavily. "Fine," he said. He looked up. "Junior!" he shouted through the ceiling. "Get down here! We're going to Smash!"

"In a minute, dad!" came the irritable reply. "I'm busy!"

"Now, Junior!" Bowser growled. "Turn off that stupid machine and get down here!"

"FINE!" Bowser Jr. shouted. The group heard a series of loud stomps above, steadily moving towards the staircase. Eventually Bowser Jr. appeared, still grumbling angrily and with a Switch poorly concealed within his shell. "Let's do the Stupid Smash Bros, then."

xxxxxxx

Bowser's airship thrummed as his underlings started it up. The first six members of the new Smash roster walked down the gangway

"Want to sit up front?" Bowser asked Peach. "Or would you prefer your old cage in the back?"

Mario scowled, but Peach waved him down. "I'll sit with my friends, thank you," she said primly, walking ahead.

"Suit yourself," Bowser said, but once he was sure she couldn't see him, he sighed, gazing at her forlornly. Then he turned, and saw Luigi regarding him curiously.

"What are you looking at?" he growled. Get a move on, or you'll be my seat." Luigi scampered up the gangway, afraid. Bowser followed behind, in a sullen mood. Little did he realize, he'd be even angrier once he reached the top.

Noticing everyone had stopped at the entrance, he walked through the door. "Well, what are you all waiting fo-" He stopped when he saw who was already on board.

Wario sat at a table covered in food, stuffing his face. The remnants of a taco encrusted his mouth, and he somehow seemed to be even fatter than usual. If he had noticed the group at the door, it hadn't stopped him from chewing with his mouth open. He was presently halfway through a chili dog, dripping sauce all over the floor.

"What are you doing here?" Bowser shouted.

Wario turned to face him, still chewing as he began to speak. "Oh, hey Bows. Internet's out at my house. I thought I'd crash here for a while. By the way, you're out of-" He paused to emit a hearty burp, not even making an effort to turn his head away. "-Hot sauce," he finished.

Bowser snarled, then turned to a Koopa scuttling by. "How long has he been here?" he growled.

"A couple weeks," the Koopa said, clearly scared. "He just showed up and started barking orders at us, and nobody wanted to say no to him."

"And you didn't think it was important enough to tell ME about it?" he thundered.

"We tried!" wailed the trembling tortoise. "We told you that there were two intruders aboard your flagship, but you said you didn't care as long as it wasn't Mario!"

"Well, that doesn't mean you just leave him here and keep restocking the– wait, two?"

Just then, Yoshi came through a door off to the left, nose-deep in a bag of Cheetos. He waved at the newly arrived party, scratching his now-pudgy belly with the other hand.

"This guy followed me here," Wario explained. "Guess he was as bored as I was."

Bowser's rage bubbled over. "GET OUT! Both of you! We're going to Smash!"

"Smash, eh?" Wario said, scratching his unshaven chin. "Might be fun, I guess. When do we take off?"

Bowser clenched his fists with rage. He looked around at the rest of the assembled group for a solution on how to deal with him. After a second pass, Bowser Jr. spoke up.

"We can't leave him here, dad. Last time we did, he took over my room and made a mess! You think any of these clowns are gonna stop him?" He gestured at the Koopa.

Bowser there up his arms in surrender. "Clean up this mess," he commanded, pointing at Wario. "If you get my airship dirty again, I'll chuck you off mid-flight!"

"You got it, boss," Wario said. He turned to the Koopa. "Hey, shellhead. Clean up this mess!"

The Koopa's eyes darted back and forth between Bowser and Wario. "Yes, sir – I mean no, sir – I mean…" He finally passed out from stress.

"All right, no more interruptions!" Bowser said. He turned to a Shy Guy wearing a captain's hat. "Helmsman! Take us to Hyrule, or Dreamland, or…whatever's closer, I guess." His rage subsiding, he tromped below deck.

"Sheesh, what's his problem?" Wario said, scratching his butt and smelling his fingertips.

"I…think I'll go find a bunk," Peach said, eager to get some distance from the noisome new guest. Daisy followed.

Finding an empty cabin, Peach set out her supplies and collapsed into one of the beds. All this effort had sapped her energy, and from the subsequent sound of another body hitting a different bed, she could tell Daisy felt the same way.

A low vibration started up, and she felt the sensation of being lifted. "Well, we're off, I guess," she said, her voice muffled by the pillow. She ran through the list of destinations they'd have to go through before they even got into a single fight, and her head swam. "This is gonna be a lot of work," she mumbled.

"Hey," Daisy said, "we took the first step, and that's the hardest one, right? Besides, it beats sitting in a castle and staring at a wall, right?"

Peach chuckled. "Guess so."

This trip would be a good thing, she knew. She'd been in a rut for the past couple of weeks, just doing the same thing over and over. This would be a welcome change, and maybe it could help get her out of this funk.

She rolled onto her back and thrust her fist into the air. "Forward, then. To adventure!" She lowered her arm and rolled onto her side. "Or, at the very least, to reuniting with old friends."

Note: Story now being posted to AO3

/works/34520641/chapters/85923859