Chapter Six
"Hmph…hello?"
"What the hell is wrong with you?"
Addison blinked repeatedly, floating up from unconsciousness blearily.
"Save the crickets."
"Addison! Wake up. It's Mark."
"Mark? The crickets…"
"No, Mark. Tall guy, dirty blonde hair, chiseled jaw, devastating, rugged good looks. Ringing any bells, Red?" The last sentence tore through her muddled mind like a flaming arrow.
"Hmmm…you forgot annoyingly arrogant." She returned, rubbing her mouth with the back of her hand. She felt awful. She did a brief scan of the sparse hotel room, noting the lump of discarded luggage and her very expensive coat wadded and dangling dangerously atop them. She was still wearing her black dress, and her hair was knotted quite nastily, she discovered as she wandered her fingers gingerly around her scalp. She finally rolled herself onto her back, and spotted a bottle of Lambrusco on the bedside table. Unopened. Full. God, why then did she feel so awful?
"I knew you were awake." Mark quipped, reminding her of the phone in her hand.
"Momentarily." She replied with a yawn.
"Then I'll make this quick. What the hell is wrong with you?"
"Do you have the next decade free for elaboration?" she returned, her words dripping with self-reproach.
"Well, actually I was referring very specifically to the fact that I was away for less than two weeks, and when I get back, I can't seem to get a hold of you or Derek for a few days, and it isn't until I bump into Weiss and Savvy at Carmine's and Savvy tells me, no, I won't be seeing you and Derek at the Hamptons this weekend, because you're in Seattle. Why Seattle? I ask, dumbfounded and awestruck. Then, Savvy launches into a long explanation that ends with Sadie having heart surgery! So that brings me back to my original question: What the hell is wrong with you and your husband that neither of you called and told me about this?" He had to take an audible breath after he finished, his frustration simmering through the phone lines, burning at her ear. It didn't help the sarcasm that seemed to spring of its own free will from her mouth.
"I thought you said you were going to be quick."
Mark snorted.
"Very funny. Seriously, Addison! Why is my Peanut is having heart surgery?"
With the mention of Mark's nickname for Sadie—not originally a flattering one, either, seeing as it came from when she was born and he arrived in the nursery at the hospital, looked at her, and said, "hey, her head kind of has a Peanut shape to it"—made Addison's eyes fill quickly with tears. It may have started as a joke, but even Mark had to admit, Sadie had cast a spell on him and ever since she was born, she had him wrapped around her tiny fingers. Peanut became her pet name, filled with affection from a man seemingly unable to express it. Which made it all the more heartbreaking now.
"She's sick. Ebstein's Anomaly, advanced." Addison managed, swiping angrily at the tears.
"Jesus. When did it start?" he asked, his distress palpable.
She took a breath in an attempt to steady herself, but it was only marginally effective.
"I don't—I don't even know. It just...it all kind of came on at once." Before she could stifle it with her hand, a sob escaped from her lips.
"What did?" Mark asked, his voice softening when he heard Addison's crying.
"Just…everything." She murmured, her voice muffled by her restricting hand.
"Addie, what's wrong?" Mark inquired, with a kind of softness only ever used when he dealt with Addison or Sadie.
"Oh, nothing—I've just made a mess of everything." She answered glibly, pulling the pillow on Derek's side of the bed closer, and curling her body against it.
"What do you mean? Sadie getting sick isn't your fault!" he insisted, slightly confused.
"No…but I should have noticed." Addison whimpered. "She's my baby, Mark. She was inside of me for nine months. I held her everyday. I bathed her. I played with her. I saw her. I talked to her. I know everything about her, and I never noticed."
"It could have been a fluke. Sometimes if it's mild enough—"
"It was Ebstein's Anomaly, Mark. Ebstein's. For Christ's sake, I treat that at least a dozen cases of that within a year, and I couldn't see it in my own daughter, even though I saw her everyday!" Her misery was overwhelming, flooding the phone line and reaching across the 3,000-mile expanse between them and making Mark choke up. He swallowed hard, and pressed on.
"Addison, you're being irrational. Things like this happen. How often did you perform EKGs on Sadie? How often did you test her oxygen levels? This is not your fault!"
A long moment of silence passed. Mark clutched the phone in his hand, waiting for some sign of life on the other end, and Addison stared blankly into the white expanse of the pillow her face was buried in. Finally, she spoke.
"…I know. I guess I know."
"What else is going on?" Mark asked after a moment, and then added, "Where is Derek?"
With that, new tears came to Addison's eyes, and the only way to stop them was to press her eyes together painfully tight.
"I don't know. I don't know anything anymore."
"Addison." Mark commanded sternly. "Start talking."
"We're getting divorced."
This time, it was Addison who gripped the phone in her hand, listening for a response from the other end.
"Is that a joke?" Mark managed, his voice flat with shock.
"No. It's not." She returned, equally flat.
"What…the hell happened these past two weeks? I only went to L.A…not a parallel universe, right?" He asked, the sarcasm covering a growing sense of fear.
"It's more than just these past few weeks. It's been years in the making." Addison mumbled, annoyed with her own self-pitying whining, but miserable nonetheless.
"What are you talking about?"
"You know, as well as I do. I know you're his best friend, too, and you'd never say anything against him, but you know we had our problems."
"Yeah, but Addie…it was never…I mean, I know a lot of people who get divorced. But never, not even in the darkest times, did I ever picture you and Derek doing that."
His voice was stiff, halted nearly. Addison pictured him, slumped back in the chair at his apartment, grinding his fingers against his temples like he often did when stressed.
She shook her head, though he couldn't see it. "It was just a matter of us realizing there was no more helping it."
"What the hell does that mean?" He barked back.
"It's…it's actually ridiculous. Petty. Childish. But it…it showed me that Derek, the Derek I love, doesn't love me. Not like he used to."
Stop crying. She ordered herself inwardly. Didn't work.
"You need to tell me, before I come out there and bump both of your petulantly thick skulls together." Mark threatened, in all seriousness. Addison rolled her eyes, and couldn't believe that the story she was about to rehash was the real catalyst of her current marital disaster.
"I...Derek found this stupid, stupid note that…I got from this intern."
"Okay? Did you…sleep with the intern?"
"No, but you and Derek drew the same conclusions." She answered, hurt.
"Well it just seems weird if you didn't, why this intern is writing you notes apparently so graphic—,"
"It wasn't graphic! It was just…" She felt like an idiot. She had the almost irrepressible impulse to laugh, and then cry. For days. "A few weeks ago…something happened between Derek and I while I was at work. I don't even know what, now. It happens so much. But for some reason, it just got to me. And I needed to be…out of sight. So I ducked into my office, sat behind my desk, and cried my eyes out. It wasn't that he'd done anything so horrific, it was just…I was tired. Tired of being sad. Tired of being so lonely."
"Okay…"
"And this intern, Jamie, he works for me. He's my best intern, really. He'll have to toughen up if he really wants to pursue neonatal, but…anyway, I didn't know but while I was having my little meltdown, he had come in. When I stood up, he was there. And…he kissed me."
"Kissed?"
"Kissed! God, do you really think that little of me?" she exclaimed, shuddering at the thought of anything else happening with Jamie. Even at her weakest moment, the thought of having an affair…she was nearly sick to her stomach.
"No, Addie…I'm sorry." He sighed. "What then?"
"Well, after a minute—a horrible, horrible minute that I let stretch out longer than I should have because I was just so lonely—I pulled away. I just…couldn't. Ever. With anyone. Because it would never be Derek, and he's…he's the only one I ever wanted. So I stopped it. I thought Jamie was going to die of shame, and there was a very awkward week, but eventually we got over it and moved back to normalcy. I don't know when he put the note in my things, but he did, and two days ago, Derek found it."
"And he assumed…the worse."
"He did. And I…I don't know why, really. But that wasn't even it. He assumed the worst, and he still just…didn't care. He laughed."
"Laughed?"
"Yes. He even told me I could keep doing it, as long as I was careful."
"Jesus Christ." Mark shook his head, wishing his best friend had been there at that moment so he could smack some sense into him.
"Mark, you have to understand…that's why. I…I knew then, in that space of a moment, that he truly didn't care anymore."
"Addison, listen!"
"No, Mark—,"
"Damn it, Addison, LISTEN TO ME FOR ONCE."
The unexpected vocal violence silenced her, making her feel even more idiotic. After a few moments of silence, assuring him she was listening, Mark spoke.
"Okay. You need to realize something. You've been married to Derek for like, a century. You know him, everything about him…but you know him as a woman, with all your touchy, soft, girlie feelings. I, on the other hand, devoid of such feelings—,"
"As well as general sensitivity."
"—know him as a man. And as a man I know, especially where you're concerned, Derek is not indifferent. He's fucked up, but never, ever indifferent to you. It sounds cliché, but he was never like he is with you with any other woman, and I know he never will be again, either. You just…do something to him. You add something to him, you take something away, I don't know. But you're all he thinks about. Since the day he—we—met you, it's only been you for him. And I'm pretty sure he can't be Derek without you, not anymore. So, knowing that as I do, I know divorce wasn't his idea."
"No. It wasn't." she only now realized how much she didn't want it.
"Exactly. How can you accuse a guy of not caring when he still wants to work it out?"
"Because, Mark," she snapped, bitterness and despair creeping back up into her voice. "He'll stay married to me, but nothing will change! Maybe for a while, maybe, but eventually it will just…happen all over again. I can't do that, not again. I can't."
"You really think it will happen again, even though now you'll be aware of the problems, and be able to stop them before they escalate as they have? Are you really that cynical, Addison?"
"I…I don't…No." she pressed her hand to her forehead, her fingertips turning white from the pressure.
"Then you can't sign any god damned papers unless you're sure." Mark told her evenly.
"I'm not exactly standing with pen poised!" she snapped back.
"Good. Don't. At least, for now. You can't base your marriage on my say-so—as ingenious and brilliant as it may be—but you don't want to do anything now you'll regret later. Let this whole thing with Sadie get resolved. Come back to New York. This…this will work out. Because not only do I know Derek and how much he loves you, but also I know you, too, Addie. And you love him, even when he doesn't exactly deserve it."
She listened to him breathing softly on the other end of the line, and to the even drumming of the rain on the hotel window.
"Mark?"
"What?"
"When did you become the rational one in our little triangle?"
He laughed.
"Around the time you went and got all pregnant and crazy, and Derek painted the nicest room in his former bachelor pad pink."
"Ass. I can't wait until you have children." She replied, smiling.
"Why would I put myself through that when I have Peanut to enjoy without having to pay for her college or yell at her when she runs circles around the two of you in a few years?" He teased.
Addison smiled, but added wistfully, "I just hope she makes it that far. I'd love to have a teenager driving me nuts, as long as it meant I had her."
"You will. And she will. And I'm going to remind you of that statement when she does." Mark assured her, still teasing but with an underlying assurance she clung to.
Just then, a mechanical tinkering sounded in her ear, signaling another incoming call.
Derek was spelled out in small black font on the screen of her Blackberry.
"Oh, Mark, I'm getting a call and it's Derek. I should go."
"Okay, but do I need to fly out?"
"No, no, not yet. I'll call you tomorrow with an update, Captain."
"In the meanwhile I'll send a care package. Chocolate covered marshmallows for Peanut, a pound of Seattle's Best for you, and some Balvenie for Derek."
She snorted.
"Okay, I'm going now. Good-bye, Mark."
"…Good-bye, Addie."
And his voice was gone, replaced by ragged breathing belonging to her husband.
"Derek?" she asked, bolting straight up in the bed.
"Dr. Shepherd? This is Meredith Grey."
Alarmed, she sat straight up.
"Where is my husband?"
"He's…we're at Seattle Grace."
It had been like a dream. A nightmare, really.
Even though they had sprinted across the street to the hospital, dodging traffic blindly, it had still felt like his feet weighed two thousand pounds. He tried to keep pace with Meredith, but she seemed to float ahead of him, even when he thought he was right in stride with her. He had only had two glasses of scotch, but he was beginning to realize that atop an empty stomach, that was akin to about five.
He didn't remember actually entering the hospital, or the fevered dash up the catwalk, Meredith's thin legs pumping ahead of him.
He didn't remember almost plowing over Richard Webber.
He didn't remember misjudging a corner and effectively dislocating his shoulder on impact.
The next thing he remembered was seeing the crash cart being shoved into Sadie's room, and the earth tilted beneath his feet.
The next thing he knew, Richard was restraining him outside the door, and he could only watch as some young doctor shocked…Sadie. His daughter. His and Addison's daughter. His mouth and throat seemed to close up. All he could do to keep from losing it was to watch the heart monitor. He couldn't look at his daughter's ashen face, or at her tiny body as it jerked in reaction to the defibrillator. He couldn't.
His world became the pencil-thin green line on the heart monitor that seemed endlessly and unforgivingly flat.
But it did make one tiny jump, in an instant that brought him such an onslaught of joy, he collapsed into Richard Webber's arms.
"Dr. Shepherd!"
Headache.
"Dr. Shepherd! Can you hear me?"
Oh, bigger shoulder ache.
"Derek!"
Okay, okay, I'm awake.
He opened his eyes, and looked directly into the wide, frightened hazel eyes of Meredith Grey. She still had her rumpled corduroy jacket and wildly striped scarf on, but now a stethoscope hung from her ears and was making chilly little imprints on his chest.
"Sadie?" he managed, his mouth dry and furry, his vision fading in and out. Meredith visibly relaxed, and leaned closer.
"She's in emergency surgery. Her tricuspid valve burst."
Oh, no.
He sat straight up, ignoring the scorching agony that shot from his shoulder with fiery vengeance to his fingertips. Meredith's tiny little hands held onto his arms, minding his injury but still managing to restrain him.
"Wait, you need a minute! You passed out!" she instructed him.
"I need to…I need to…" his eyes widened in alarm when he saw the sling.
"You need to relax! You can't do any more for Sadie right now. Dr. Burke is operating on her, and it's going to be a while. I already called your wife, she's on her way."
As if on cue, Addison appeared in the doorway.
"My God, Derek!" she covered the space between them in three leggy strides, enveloping his good left shoulder and side in a tight hug. He pressed his face into her embrace, and realized she was shaking. He attempted to complete the embrace by bringing his right arm around her, but the pain made that impossible, and she whispered, "Don't," against his ear when he tried.
"Addison…she…"
"I know. Richard. Told me." She managed, tears spilling down her cheeks into his hair, glistening against the dark mat of it. Meredith stared miserably at the couple, her stomach twisting with fear. As a doctor, she knew the probability of Sadie coming out of this surgery alive. As a…friend, she supposed, that knowledge crushed her. And she knew in that moment, looking at Derek and Addison, that they knew, too.
Just then, Richard Webber walked in.
"Derek, Addie…" he put a hand on Addison's shoulder, and she broke the embrace she had on Derek. He looked up at Richard, too, after he looped his arm protectively around Addison's waist.
"What's…what's going on?" Addison managed, pressing her fingers around her eyes.
"It…doesn't look good. I was just in with Preston. There's a lot of damage—,"
"Richard," Derek interrupted, "You have to say she'll be all right. You have to."
Every person in that room knew what an unfair request that was, but they all wished the exact same thing.
Richard took a heavy, painful sigh.
"Preston is working hard and fast. It'll be a few hours, but…he's working." He turned from their attention, and focused on Meredith.
"Grey, scrub in."
She did, and as she was pulling the gloves over her hand, for the first time in her career, she found herself shaking ever so slightly.
Now, Meredith stood with her back against the cool tile of the wall, her body vaguely tingling and prickly from the intensity adrenaline rush. But all those sensations were a distant, faraway fact. She concentrated on keeping her breathing even, and constant. It wasn't easy with her heart running a marathon on her breastbone, but she focused her entire being upon the task.
She still wore the slightly soiled scrubs, and her hair had slipped from its band, thusly plastering itself to the sides her face with sweat. She hadn't noticed when it happened, and didn't notice then, either.
Dr. Burke, we have a bleeder.
I see it, Grey. Get me a clamp.
But there was so much blood.
B.P. is dropping, doctor.
I know, I know, I know…Grey, clamp that!
She did, but the blood had filled her palm in a warm, steady surge.
Doctor, we're losing her!
No we're not!
But Burke and Meredith already had two clamps in, and there was already another free-flowing surge of blood.
We have a flat line.
No, no, no…Grey, place your forefinger into the tear. We have to stop the bleeding.
She had, and for a few sweet seconds, the gush of blood ceded.
Good, good. Now, I need another clamp…
But before the last word was out of his mouth, Meredith felt the tender tissue around her finger give and a flood of hot, thickness surrounded her hand.
Sadie Shepherd had died.
Sadie Shepherd had died while Meredith had literally held her heart in her hand.
"Meredith?"
She closed her eyes, tears spilling out finally. She answered Addison without moving.
"She's in there."
In a whoosh of motion, both of the Shepherds entered the intensive care unit and descended delicately upon their daughter.
After a few moments, Meredith brought herself to look into the room from the doorway.
She only watched, awash in overwhelming relief, as Sadie Shepherd's chest moved rhythmically up and down, breathing and living.
Not so long ago, she hadn't been breathing or living.
For a terrifying thirty-four seconds, Sadie Shepherd had been dead.
When she saw the Shepherds wearily look back at her, she was brought back to reality. The reality that she was wearing scrubs with their daughter's blood on them.
She attempted to shuffle away, but when she made the move to, both of them informed her nonverbally with their eyes that she was more than welcome to stay.
She did, but only for a moment.
She went into the locker room, immersed herself in a stinging, scalding shower, and then changed into a fresh pair of scrubs.
Before her five am rounds, she placed a phone call.
"Meadow Crest Retirement Village."
"Hello, I'm calling for Ellis Grey."
"I'm sorry, she's still asleep. Can I ask who's calling?"
"It's Meredith, her daughter."
"Oh, I'm sorry Dr. Grey! I didn't recognize your voice. Would you like to leave a message for her?"
"Yes. Could you please tell her…tell her I'll call her back after my rounds."
"Of course. She'll understand."
Meredith was about to agree with an ironic smirk and disconnect, but she caught herself.
"You know what? Don't tell her that, that thing about my rounds. Tell her...tell her I'll be there for lunch."
"Do you remember the day she was born?" Derek quietly asked Addison as they sat next to each other in the painfully uncomfortable chairs of intensive care unit, watching their sleeping daughter as if at any moment she would awake.
Addison lolled her head towards him and raised a disbelieving eyebrow, and he smiled and added, "Okay, stupid question."
"What about it?" she asked anyway, lolling her head back to its original position, staring at Sadie as she slept.
"I was in surgery." He observed.
"I remember."
"I'm sorry."
She turned to him again. "Derek, you don't have to…"
"I know. I'm not doing it to make it up to you. I'm just saying, in this moment, I feel sorry I wasn't there in the beginning. For you." He didn't look at her, just kept staring ahead.
"I am, too." She whispered.
The clock on the wall denoted the following minutes that passed with quiet ticks.
"Do you remember the day I told you?" Addison posed, smiling at his reaction, adding, "Another stupid question, I guess."
He watched her, smiling, and asked, "What about it?"
"I was…terrified. Like I never had been before. We had never…we weren't prepared. At all. I was terrified you would be unhappy. Mostly, I was terrified because I was so happy and I wanted you to be, too. I never thought I would be that happy, but I was. And for some reason, I thought you wouldn't be." She shook her head. "But when I finally blurted it out—,"
"On the main floor of the surgical wing at Mount Sinai during a hormonal meltdown." He supplied helpfully, with another teasing grin.
"—the look on your face…I had never been happier. Not just because you were so happy. It was because you looked so sure. In that moment, that tiny moment right after the last words left my mouth and you just looked at me and said, "Oh, Addie," all dreamily…I thought we could do anything. As long we were us. Derek and Addie." She met his eyes, both of their easy smiles slipping and getting replaced with a long, meaningful stare.
"Thought?" he whispered, "Or still think?"
A/N: Mean way to end the longest chapter yet, huh? I know, but I needed at least one more chapter, so I couldn't end it here. You understand, right? Of course. I knew you would.
Anyway, thanks to all who have reviewed so far, and especially for the iPod advice. Looks, however, like it will be in the hands of the Apple Geek Squad in California.
So that's it. Keep the feedback coming, and yes, there is STILL more to come!
