Chapter seven
Not so fresh
Inkopolis was spotless.
Everyone on the Halberd squinted down, blinded by the glare from the pure white buildings. Only the greenhouse, with its open-air foliage, offered any kind of splash of color.
"This is where they live?" Bayonetta said, surprised. "I expected a bit more…flair."
"There usually is," Peach said. "The buildings are all white so they can paint over them. They just aren't right now."
Bowser Jr. stared at the open, pristine space, transfixed. "I don't know how they can resist," he said. "It's a perfect canvas."
"We are now in Inkopolis airspace," Meta Knight announced. "The Inklings have no air defense systems, so expect little to no resistance."
"I'm not seeing any ground defenses, either," Fox said, scanning the ground. "Where is everyone?"
"Probably inside, watching TV," Zelda said. She turned on a large flat screen nearby. "Inkopolis News always has the highest ratings. Maybe we can figure out what's going on."
She flipped to the correct channel, just as a new broadcast was beginning. After a short jingle, it cut to two squids in a newsroom.
"Hold onto your tentacles!" Callie began.
"It's Inkopolis news time," Marie finished with a yawn.
"Our top story today: a giant battleship is flying directly over Inkopolis Plaza!" Callie exclaimed, a photo of the Halberd appearing onscreen. "Not much is known about the ship, so citizens are advised to stay indoors until further notice."
Marie scoffed. "Like anyone was outside, anyway."
Callie glared at her, but then continued. "In other news, today marks the six-month anniversary of the last attempted Zapfish theft!" A half-finished graphic of a banner appeared onscreen reading '6 months'. "Great news for everyone!"
"Pretty sure that's the exact opposite of news," Marie said.
Callie scowled at her. "A-and finally, let's see today's maps!"
She gestured at the screen, but nothing happened. She waited a few seconds, a grin frozen on her face, before trying again. "Today's maps are…" Still nothing. She dropped her arms and sighed. "Can someone wake Kevin up?" she called. "It looks like he fell asleep again!"
"Oh, what's the point," Marie said, slouching. "Nobody's going to play on them anyway."
Callie slammed her hands on the desk. "Okay, what is your problem, Marie?" she demanded.
"The same problem as everyone else," she answered. "I'm bored as s#!$."
The expletive was bleeped out – at least the censor guy was still awake.
"And you think I'm not?" Callie said angrily. "But at least I'm still doing my job!"
"So am I, Callie," Marie said. "Our job is to report the news and comment on it. Nothing's happening. That's the news. It's boring as hell. That's my commentary. If you want to put on a happy face, that's fine, but don't expect me to do the same."
"Marie, you…" Callie glanced at the camera. "Uh, we'll be right back after these messages," she said. "Stay fresh!" Marie at least joined in on the hand gestures as the jingle played.
She held a grin on her face for a few seconds afterwards, then dropped it. She leaned forward, pinching the bridge of her nose. "Marie…look, I get it," she said. "It's really boring right now. I'm feeling it, too. But our job isn't just reporting the news. People look up to us – they tune in every hour to hear us. If all they see is a couple of squids bored out of their minds, how are they supposed to cheer themselves up?"
"I know," Marie said, looking guilty. "I don't have the energy to keep up that façade like you do, Callie."
Callie sighed. "I hate that it is a façade, Marie. It used to be so fun…can't we just throw a concert to cheer people up?"
"We already did that twice this month," Marie reminded her. "Eventually, people just stop showing up."
"I know, and it f #?ing sucks," Callie said.
She looked up abruptly. "Wait a minute, they bleeped that," she said, panicking. "Are we still live?"
She yelped when she looked at the still-on camera. "Go to commercial," she hissed, dragging a finger across her neck. "Go to commercial!"
Finally, the camera cut away, commercials filling the screen.
"Poor kids," Peach murmured.
"Who put those children in charge of a news broadcast, anyway?" Bayonetta asked.
"Inklings never develop past the pre-teen stage of life," Samus explained.
"Really?" Bayonetta responded. "How ghastly for them."
"A society of slackers," Bowser grumbled, arms folded. "Playing the same game all day, every day – no wonder it's falling apart. You need hard labor to stay motivated."
Peach folded her arms as well. "And when's the last time you did some hard labor?"
"Too long ago," he snapped. "That's why I'm not motivated!"
"Knock it off, guys," Fox said. "We need to focus. At this point, it doesn't look like we could find a single kid around here who'd wanna join us. So what do we do?"
Zelda stroked her chin. "From what I remember of the Inklings, they seemed pretty easy to amuse. If we get something loud and exciting going on, they'll come out in droves."
"What, do you have a marching band in your back pocket?" Ganondorf sniped.
"Marching band?" Pit chimed in. "Why is that the first thing you thought of? How old are you?"
Ganondorf turned to him, but before he said anything, Bowser Jr. stood up. "I know what we could do," he said, a wicked grin on his face.
xxxxxxx
After a commercial for t-shirts finished, Inkopolis News returned to the screen. Callie now had a phone on her desk, while Marie appeared to be taking a nap.
"Welcome back, everyone!" Callie said. "We're still having…technical difficulties with our screen. So, in the meantime, we're going to be doing something a little different – taking call-ins! Call 1-800-STY-FRSH, and you could appear on the show! That's right, you! The phone line is now open!"
She kept her smile frozen on her face, even as, behind the camera, half of the staff seemed to have dozed off. Twenty long, silent seconds passed.
"Hey, don't everyone call at once, now," she said. "Heh heh heh…eh…" Her forced laughter trailed off, and she slumped, head hitting the desk.
RING
Callie and Marie's heads both jerked up in unison. "Oh, a caller!" Callie exclaimed, fumbling with the phone in her effort to pick it up. "Hi, you're on Inkopolis News," she said casually. "Who am I speaking to?"
"Um, hello," came the voice. "This is Princess Peach, from the Mushroom Kingdom."
"Why, hello there, Princess Peach from the Mushroom Kingdom!" Callie said, twirling her finger around the phone cord. "And to what do we owe the pleasure of this call?"
"Well, I'm in the giant battleship currently hovering above your city," Peach said. "And I'd just like to warn you that there is, um, an evil plot unfolding right now."
"An evil plot?" Callie said, surprised. "That's odd, I never took you for much of a plotter, your Highness."
"Well, it's not my plot, it's from the Bowser family," Peach explained. "Bowser didn't want to call, you see – he gets nervous when speaking to a large audience."
Faintly, Callie heard a roar in the background of the call. "Don't tell them that!" said Bowser's faint voice.
"Oh, I see," Callie said, resting her platform shoes on the desk. "So what kind of evil plot are we talking here? Bombing the city? Stealing our power sources? Maybe enslaving us all to the will of some giant cosmic monstrosity?"
"Oh, it's much worse than that, I'm afraid," Peach said. "Worse than you could imagine."
"Really?" Callie said, clutching the phone with both hands. "What is it? Tell us!"
"It's too horrible for words," Peach said, stifling a chuckle. "You'd better get your cameras down to the skate park, before he finishes the job." The phone clicked as she hung up.
"What job? Who? What's happening?" Callie asked, clutching the phone with both hands. "Princess Peach! What's going on?" When she got no reply, she snapped her head to the camera. "Get a camera on Blackbelly Skatepark," she demanded. "Do it!"
Kevin, it seemed, had finally woken up, and the screen cycled through several different CCTV cameras before the skate park came into view. Callie and Marie looked at the screen, and gasped.
A shadowy figure ran around the park, brandishing a giant paintbrush. He looked like Mario, only dark and see-through. He painted as he ran, walking in straight lines and curves. When he finished, he put his hands on his hips and laughed.
"Who is that?" Callie asked. "And what did he just do?"
"It looks like he wrote something. Can we pan the camera out to see all of the graffiti?" Marie asked.
Slowly, the camera shifted its angle and zoomed out, and everyone saw the word that Shadow Mario had spelled out.
STINKOPOLIS
Callie gasped. "That monster!" she shouted. "He's slandering the good name of our city! We need to stop him at all costs! Citizens of Inkopolis, we call on you!"
"Come on, Callie, it's not that big of a…" Then, suddenly, the pieces fell into place for Marie. "…I mean, yes! We can't stand for this!"
Callie leapt onto her desk. "Come on, everyone! We can't just let that villain do as he pleases! Head to Blackbelly Skatepark right now, and thwart his evil plans!"
Shadow Mario continued to run around the skatepark, writing things like STINKLINGS and LAME-O CITY as he went. Then, all of a sudden, he heard a loud rumbling. He looked up, and a series of multicolored arcs crossed the sky. One by one, Inklings of every shape, size, and color touched down around him, all clutching weapons. "Uh oh…" he said, before turning and running.
The Inklings chased after him, shooting and rolling their way towards him. Green, blue, orange, and purple trails of paint streaked across the ground, all bearing inwards towards the retreating shadowy figure. They converged and started chasing him directly, at least twelve in number and only growing more numerous as more squids touched down.
Shadow Mario triple jumped up the side of a building, and an orange Inkling inked up the wall and started pursuing him. A purple Inkling saw him land and swung his roller, trying to splatter him. When he missed, the ink fell down onto the wall where the orange squid was swimming, splatting her by mistake. The purple one gasped and covered his mouth. Another orange kid looked at him and glared. He tried to raise his hands to convey that it was an accident, but he flicked more paint in his zealousness, and the orange kid splatted him in panic. Another purple kid then splatted him with a bucket, but hit a blue girl by mistake as well. She returned fire, and then both of them were splatted by a green roller for seemingly no reason. He started covering the ground in green, but was then splatted by a multi-color barrage of other Inklings, who then promptly turned on each other.
"Oh my," Marie said. "It looks like a battle has broken out within the Inklings that were chasing the vandal."
More and more Inklings were arriving, but while a small group was still chasing Shadow Mario, it seemed most of the new arrivals weren't even interested in him. Instead, they started joining the growing battle within the throng of Inklings. The center of the skate park looked like a tie-dye shirt as differently colored Inklings fought, gained the upper hand, then lost it again. There didn't seem to be any coordination or team strategy – it was just splat and be splatted. Soon, there were fifty Inklings brawling in the skatepark.
Callie put a hand to her mouth. "Marie," she said, "am I seeing what I think I'm seeing?"
"I think so," Marie said. "We'd theorized that it could happen, but I've never seen it before."
They both raised their fists into the air. "It's a Splattle Royale!" they shouted.
Now the whole skatepark was in chaos, dozens of Inklings battling each other. Minutes ago, it had been bare, but it now pulsed with color, every square inch occupied.
"It seems Blackbelly Skatepark is now full to bursting," Marie noted.
"Yeah. So, with that in mind, let's open up Port Mackerel and Moray Towers for this new game mode, too!" Callie said.
Seconds later, more Inklings started taking off, this time heading for the two new maps.
"New game mode…it really has been a long time since we had one of those," Marie mused.
"You're telling me!" Callie said. "We're going to need new stages for this – the old ones are working for now, but if we get bigger stages, we can have even more players! We'll also need new graphics, new lobby options, and so much more!"
"Do you think we should write some new songs to play in those stages?" Marie asked.
"It certainly couldn't hurt!" Callie said.
Marie chuckled. "We've got a lot of work ahead of us," she said, sounding thoroughly happy about it.
"Yeah," Callie agreed. "It could keep us busy for months!"
The Squid Sisters watched the screen for a while, enjoying the unfolding chaos.
"Man," Callie said, "Princess Peach should have evil plots more often!"
xxxxxxx
Only two Inklings remained on Shadow Mario's trail, a boy and a girl. They pushed him down a dead end alleyway. He attempted to backflip over them, but one of them shot him as he sailed over their heads. His shoes got coated, so when he tried to land, his feet slipped and he fell. The Inklings stood over him, guns at the ready.
Shadow Mario panted. "You…win…" he said. He outstretched his left hand. "That means…you get these."
The Inklings looked. In his hand, they saw two envelopes, with red stamps. They shouted in joy as they grabbed them, doing a little victory dance.
Shadow Mario dissolved into a cloud of dots, which then flew upwards towards the Halberd. The Inklings watched, then looked at each other and nodded. They blasted off into the sky with a super jump, sailing over the ship and coming down onto the deck, where a large crowd had assembled.
"Welcome, squids!" Pit said, giving them high-fives.
"Well, that was quite easy," Bayonetta said.
Bowser Jr. flopped onto the deck, coated in orange and blue paint. "Speak for yourself," he panted. "That paint hurts when it hits you!"
"It seems our business in this place is concluded," Meta Knight said. "I shall return to the cockpit and chart our next path."
As he walked away, Zelda stood on the edge of the bridge, looking down at Inkopolis. She had a smile on her face. Peach joined her and looked as well.
In three separate locations, colorful starbursts stained the white buildings and streets of the city. Even from up here, they could faintly hear the sounds of the Inklings playing and laughing.
"Two more fighters for the tournament," Zelda remarked. "And our first victory against the enemy."
