Chapter twelve

Fit for battle

"Now, slide your left foot up your right leg, until your ankle touches the bottom of your left thigh."

Dedede struggled and strained. He grabbed his left foot, trying to pull it higher, but could barely get it past his right knee. He flailed his arms and had to grab onto the wall to keep from toppling over.

"Don't be worried if you can't make it all the way," the Wii Fit Trainer said in her calm, dulcet voice. "If you can feel your muscles stretching, you're doing just fine!"

Well, he certainly could feel that. And he had a suspicion he'd be feeling it for days to come. He glanced at the other occupants of the room, to see how they were doing.

Kirby, despite possessing no knees of any kind, was trying his dededarned hardest. He'd sucked in some air to help lighten himself and stay balanced. Samus, of course, performed the move flawlessly, her left leg folded perfectly and her hands together above her head. She said she took these courses to stay limber, but she was already the most flexible person in the galaxy. He suspected she was only here because she liked WFT. And then there was…

WFT sighed. "Wario," she said, trying to keep a level tone. "What are you doing?" she asked.

Wario was standing in the middle of the room, not even trying the pose. "You said to do a tree pose," he said. "Trees don't move."

WFT breathed deeply through her nose. "All right," she said, not pressing the matter. "Everyone, return to your starting position."

Dedede lowered his leg with a sigh of relief.

The trainer straightened herself. "If that pose was a little too much for you, this one should be much simpler. It's called the Downward Facing Dog."

Wario let out a cackle. "Hee hee. Doggie style."

WFT ignored him. "To start, lie facedown on the floor."

Wario happily did that, at least.

"Next, push yourself onto your hands and knees."

Everyone did so, except for Kirby, for obvious reasons.

"Now, straighten your upper body and lower body, and turn yourself into a triangle."

She straightened her body, sending her posterior upward. When she reached the peak, Wario blew a raspberry. He then spent the next few seconds giggling. "Haha. Oopsie."

WFT closed her eyes and breathed through her nose for a few seconds. Then, she spoke up. "Okay, let's do some deep breathing now. Return to a standing position."

They all stood up, and for the third time that day, they did the deep breathing exercise. Each subsequent time she had done it, her own breathing was faster, particularly while looking at Wario. Eventually, she managed to simmer down, and opened her eyes.

"All right. For this next pose, everyone reach down and touch your toes," she said.

Three of her four students did so.

Wario cackled. "Yeah, fat chance, sister. I can't even see my toes!"

WFT's nostrils flared. She stood still, staring at Wario. She was still smiling, but every other part of her face indicated the opposite emotion. It seemed like that smile was harder for her to hold than any pose she had performed.

She walked over to Wario, who was blissfully unaware of what was heading his way. "Stick out your left foot, please," she said calmly.

"Huh?" Wario said. "Whuzzat?"

"I would like you to raise your left foot," she repeated. She didn't speak any louder, but she enunciated each syllable very clearly, in a way that made every other person in the room quiver.

Wario, it seemed, finally figured out the danger. "Okay, sheesh," he said. He lifted his left foot maybe 20 degrees. "So you gonna try to make me do the stupid tree th-"

In one quick, fluid motion, Wii Fit Trainer reached down, grabbed onto Wario's ankle, and yanked upwards.

Wario's sentence turned into a shriek as his leg was lifted to a full 90 degrees. He started to tip backwards, but she grabbed onto his neck with her other hand, holding him in place.

"Ahh!" he screamed, flailing his arms around. "What the fuck are you doing, you crazy bitch? I-"

"Can you see them?" she asked calmly.

"W-wha?" he gasped.

"Your toes. You said you couldn't see them before. Can you see them now?" Her face was deathly tranquil.

"What are you talking about?" he sputtered. "Let go, or I'll skin you ali-"

She lifted harder. His leg ratcheted up another five degrees.

"AUGH! Yes! Yes, I can see them!" he screamed.

"Are you sure?" she asked.

"Yes! I'm sure, I'm-Aiee!"

"You're not looking at them," she said.

Wario pointed his head at his toes. "I'm looking! I'm looking!" he gasped, tears in his eyes.

"Do you think you'll need to check again later?"

"No, I'm good! I promise!"

She smiled. "Great," she said, letting go of him. He fell backwards, landing on the mat hard. He clutched his leg and whimpered in pain, but didn't say another word.

Wii Fit trainer closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and opened them again. "Okay," she said, walking back to the front of the room. She looked at her remaining students, who all had their mouths agape. "Well then," she said. "Since some of us are already on the floor, let's do the jackknife next."

They all obeyed her instantly, without question. Even Wario attempted to go along with the exercise, futilely reaching his arms and legs up in time with the others. He never spoke again for the entire session, but he did look over to Dedede with teary eyes, perhaps thinking he would be the most likely to show sympathy.

Dedede shrugged. "I've had worse," he muttered.

xxxxxxx

"And that just about does it for today," the trainer said. "Great work, everyone!"

Everyone relaxed from their sun salutations, even Wario. In the fifteen minutes since his leg raise, he hadn't interrupted her once, instead performing his own pathetic versions of each pose in turn. Everyone else had also kept completely silent.

"See you next session, everyone," WFT said. "Be sure to drink plenty of water!"

The students filed out of the room, Wario in the lead. The trainer turned around and grabbed her towel. When she heard the door close, she sighed deeply and rubbed her temples.

"Hey there."

She jumped. Turning around, she realized that Samus was still in the room.

"Oh, Samus," she said. "I thought you had left already. I need to clean up here, but I'll catch up with you at the showers, okay?"

Samus shook her head. "You think I'm gonna leave without asking you what happened?" she asked wryly.

"Happened? I'm afraid I don't know what you're talking about," she said. Under the withering, eyebrow-raised gaze of Samus, she caved almost instantly. "Oh, you mean with Wario. He, uh, seemed a little stiff, and I thought he could use…" The normally composed trainer stumbled now, as she always seemed to around the towering figure that was Samus – even without heels, Samus was almost a head taller than her.

Samus gently put her hand on her shoulder, smiling knowingly. "Come on, hon," she said gently. "You know you can't lie to me."

She blushed at Samus's touch, despite its familiarity, or perhaps because of it. "Okay, you're right," the smaller woman said. "I lost my cool. I was unprepared for his antics, and I don't think it'll happen again."

"Why even bother with him?" Samus asked. "You had to force him to come in the first place. Just tell him not to come back for the next session, it's as simple as that. Nobody would blame you for wanting to see less of him."

"But he's the one who needs it the most," the trainer protested. "You've seen him – his health has taken a turn for the worse since he was last here."

"More than you know," Dr. Mario said.

Samus did a double take. "What are you doing here, doc?" she asked.

"This young lady asked for the results from Wario's last checkup," the doctor said, talking a sheet of paper from his clipboard and handing it to the trainer. "I'm glad you did – they are alarming, to say the least."

The trainer looked at his blood pressure, and blanched even more than usual. "200/120?" she said in disbelief.

"That can't possibly be right," Samus said, looking at the paper. "Are you sure these results are for him, and not…a glazed ham?"

"Sadly, there is no mistake," the doctor said. "He is suffering from stage 4 hypertension. If he doesn't make drastic changes to his lifestyle soon, I anticipate severe heart problems, possibly even fatal ones."

"So it's settled," WFT said grimly. "He has to take these sessions."

"That is one possible course of action," the doctor said. "There are others. The most obvious, I would say, is to involve him in more battles. They should provide a good cardiovascular exercise."

"Well, they should," Samus said. "But the one fight we've managed to get him in, he didn't seem too involved."

Dr. Mario hadn't been present for that fight, but he quickly surmised the issue. "The motorcycle?" he guessed.

Samus nodded. "He never got off the damn thing," she said. "He's used it before, but not that much."

The doctor stroked his chin. "Well, that is an obstacle," he said. "I'm not sure how to get around that."

"Isn't it obvious?" came a voice from the hallway. Bowser Jr. walked into the room, surprising all three of them.

"What are you doing here?" WFT asked him.

"Were you spying on our session again, you little pervert?" Samus demanded.

"No," Bowser Jr. said defiantly. "I just happened to be walking by and overheard you."

Samus glared at him witheringly.

"And…I might have been next to a window," he conceded. "And…maybe I watched, for a bit- look, it doesn't matter, okay? You've got a problem, and I've got a solution!"

Samus folded her arms. "All right, let's hear it," she said.

"Look, the problem is that he rides on his bike all the time, right?" They all nodded. "So let's just get rid of the bike!"

"We can't," Samus said. "The Hands say it's allowed. If we ban the bike, we have to ban your clown car."

"I'm not talking about banning it," Junior said. "I'm talking about breaking it!"

"You mean sabotage?" WFT said. "I couldn't be a part of that. I refuse to fight dirty."

"Oy, you heroes and your ethics," Junior groaned. "Come on, it's Wario! How could you possibly get dirtier than that?"

"Two wrongs don't make a right, young man," the doctor said.

"But this is the right thing to do, if you think about it," Junior insisted. "We'd be saving his life! You said he'll die if he doesn't get off his fat ass, right?"

"Well, that is a drastic oversimplification of the situation…" he said.

"It's up to Wario to make those decisions for himself," the trainer said. "It's his body, he chooses what to do with it."

Junior folded his arms, the spitting image of his father. "Fine," he said. "Then I'll just choose to use my body to fix this!" He walked away.

They all watched him walk away. Then WFT spoke up. "I should go warn Wario," she said. "If only to make up for what I did this session."

She moved to leave, but Samus put a hand on her arm. Her grip was light, but she still melted under it.

"Listen, honey," Samus said softly. "I respect your principles, I really do. But let's just let villains be villains this time, okay?"

xxxxxxx

RRRRRRRRRRRRR

Wario's bike thundered down the hallways of the Halberd. He reclined behind the handlebars, cackling madly. He drifted left at a slight turn, then leveled out, all without braking even once.

For some reason, the Halberd's halls were perfect for riding in. Nice and straight, not too narrow, a ramp or two here and there, and plenty of pedestrians to freak out. Just now, he saw a group of Meta Knight's servants and barreled right towards them. They screamed, running for cover and dropping their towels everywhere, which he then drove over and painted with black skid marks.

"Watch it, bozos!" he shouted behind him. "Can't you see I'm driving here?" He sped away, laughing into the wind. This was exactly what he needed to unwind from that yoga session. Who did she think she was, anyway?

"Heh, I gotta hand it to you, doc, I'm glad I took your advice," he said. "When you told me to get out of my room and move around more, I didn't think I'd enjoy it. But this is great!"

Up ahead of him, the hallway split, with paths going off to the right and left, and a full-length window in front of him. He racked his brain trying to remember what was where.

Hmm, left was residence, I think, and right was storage. I think MK's got some kinda lobster tank down there? That might be fun to mess around with.

He pulled on the brakes, intending to slow down. He didn't.

"Waa?" he said. He squeezed the brakes again, but the bike kept going at the same speed. The window in front of him was getting nearer.

"Stop! Stop!" he shouted, frantically pulling at the brakes, but still nothing happened. "Brakes! Brakes!" The window was really close, maybe only ten feet away.

"Agh!" Finally, he jumped off the bike and rolled as he hit the ground. His bike kept going, crashing straight through the window. He got to his feet just in time to see the bike shoot out into the sky, then start to tumble. "No!"

Through the adjacent window, he stared, open-mouthed, as his beloved bike spun end over end through the sky, falling down to the planet below. His jaw dropped as far as it could, which was very far indeed.

Some time later, Bowser Jr. strolled up. "Hey, Wario," he said casually. "What's up?"

"What's up?" Wario repeated, incredulous. He looked at Junior, then at the window, unable to form a coherent thought.

Junior glanced at the window. "Ooh, what happened there?" he asked.

"M-my…my bike…" he mumbled, gesturing at the window. "Brakes…window…bike…"

Junior peered out the window. "Huh," he said. "Yeah, I guess that kinda sucks." He looked at Wario. "Hey, wanna fight?"

Wario looked at him. "Wha?" he said.

"You, me, fight. We haven't fought in a while, right?" Junior said.

"No, I don't wanna fight!" Wario replied indignantly. "What's the matter with you? I just lost my bike!"

"All right," Junior said. "In that case, I'll just beat you up, and you don't have to fight back, okay?"

Before Wario could respond, Junior's clown car sprouted a pair of boxing gloves, and he started pummeling him.

"Ow-hey-what-stop-" were the only noises the fat man managed to let out between blows. Finally, he took a step back, wound up a left hook, and smacked the clown car. "Beat it!" he shouted.

Junior flew back a couple feet, but rebounded quickly. "All right, looks like we're fighting!" he said, running forward.

"Gah…fine!" Wario shouted.

As Junior closed the distance, Wario tried to remember all of his moves and combos that didn't involve his bike. His left leg was still hurting from the yoga session and the crash, and he was already gasping for breath.

He put a hand to his head. "Mama Mia," he muttered.