Chapter seventeen
The best laid plans
"Are you sure I don't need to…" Rosalina said into her phone, before it chattered back at her. She sighed. "Okay. Thank you for telling me, anyway. Let me know if anything new develops. Thanks again for watching them. Goodbye." She hung up the phone, then turned back to the group. "It's getting worse," she said.
"Your children?" Peach asked. Rosalina nodded sadly. "I had hoped they might be immune."
"Why would they be?" Ganondorf scoffed. "The Inklings weren't."
"They…they seemed fine when I left," Rosalina said. She slumped in her chair.
Daisy patted her shoulder. "Don't worry, Ro," she said. "We're doing what we can here to fix this."
"So you princesses say," Bowser scoffed. "From where I'm sitting, all we've been doing is wasting time."
Daisy angrily gripped the table, glaring across it. She turned to Zelda. "Remind me again why we invite the villains to these meetings?"
"I can answer that," Ganondorf intruded. "It's because without us tying you airheads down, your feet would never touch the floor."
"Yeah, we're such fools," Falco fired back. "Maybe someday we'll be lucky enough to lose as often as you do. That oughta smarten us right up."
The mood in the meeting room was souring fast, with attendants on either side of the table glowering at their counterparts and grumbling under their breaths. Makoto hastily stood up and raised her palms in a conciliatory gesture. "Okay, everyone, let's just take a step back," she said. "Differing perspectives can be valuable, but we have to remember we're all on the same side right now."
Everyone glanced at her. "Who are you again?" Ganondorf asked.
"Makoto Nijma, at your service," Makoto said, dealing well with the pressure of so many eyes on her. "I'm an associate of Joker's – I run logistics and tactics for our group. We agreed I'd be our best representative in a meeting like this."
"That's right, and she is by all accounts very good at her job," Peach chimed in. "Also, I understand your friends call you 'Queen'?"
The girl blushed, feeling embarrassed in the presence of actual royalty. "J-just Makoto works fine, your Highness," she said demurely. She sat down again and smoothed her skirt. "I didn't mean to steal the spotlight. By all means, let's resume this meeting."
"Right," Peach said. The collective attention of the room gradually pivoted back to the whiteboard before them.
Two thirds of its surface area were dedicated to a map of their progress. A zigzagging line denoted their path through the various planets and dimension they had visited, with notes written next to each in immaculate font. The word "afflicted" was a common fixture of such notes. Along the right side of the board, a list titled "Known Gods" displayed every known deity in this world. A concerning number of them were crossed out to signify their death, generally not of natural causes. Smack dab in the middle of the board were six images, followed by a large question mark.
Peach examined the first two. "Still no word from the Hands," she mused. "But we've got more than three quarters of our crew together, so they'll be forced to meet with us soon."
Makoto looked at the fourth figure in the line. "Could you refresh me on this 'Master Core' figure? I'm afraid I didn't fully understand the explanation I was given."
"It was a weird case, for sure," Samus conceded.
"Master Core was some kind of force contained within the hands," Zelda explained patiently. "It emerged from the intensity of our battle with them, whereupon we destroyed it. We still don't fully understand it, but the leading theory is that it was some kind of corruption, perhaps from…Dharkon?"
Ganondorf opened his mouth.
"But not everyone shares that view," Zelda added before he could interject. "In any case, we destroyed it, so it's unlikely to be the cause of our troubles this time."
"I see," Makoto said.
A soft thump rocked the table. Everyone paused, then looked around for the source. Sephiroth, reclining in his chair, had just placed his feet on the table.
"Can we skip to the part we're supposed to care about?" he said, stifling a yawn. "I'm just as new as her, and I couldn't care less about any of this."
"Yeah!" Dark Pit said enthusiastically. "Get to the important shit!" He also stuck his feet on the table in an effort to copy Sephiroth, an action that utterly failed to catch the older man's notice.
Makoto glared at the two of them, but she ceded her time regardless. "Very well. Let's talk plans."
"All right," Zelda said. "The villains do have a point – on our journey, we haven't gathered nearly as many clues to the identity of…whatever is orchestrating all this as we might've hoped. We do have a consistent pattern across all worlds, though. Depression and stagnation, from heroes and villains alike." She glanced at Mewtwo. "Well, except for one villain."
"I'll take that as my cue," Mewtwo said. A drawing of Giovanni materialized on the whiteboard behind him as he spoke. "Latest reports are that Giovanni is still in prison. He has attempted to escape twice, however, and shows no signs of slowing down his plans."
Zelda leaned forward. "So why him? Why is he the only one unaffected by all of this?"
Mewtwo closed his eyes. "Speaking from experience, I can say that Giovanni is perhaps the most motivated human I've met…well, the second most, I suppose. Having glimpsed into his mind, I can say that he never stops scheming. He sees the world only in terms of targets and opportunities. Perhaps his mental fortitude is great enough to surpass whatever mental block has been placed in all of our paths."
"So you don't think this thing is directly assisting him?" Zelda asked. Bowser rolled his eyes.
"If it was, he would not still be in jail," Mewtwo said.
"I suppose so," Zelda said. She turned to the rest of the table. "And nobody else has had such drive, in all the lands we've visited?"
Sonic chimed in. "Eggman did, for a while. Now…not so much." He chuckled. "If he was getting help from some space monster or whatever, I don't blame it for ditching him. Once it saw how pathetic the guy really was, it'd have to be crazy to keep him around."
Bowser could take it no more. He got to his feet. "Oh, would you idiots listen to yourselves? You still expect us to believe there's a monster doing all this, when we've traveled halfway around the universe and found no proof of it whatsoever?"
Peach slammed her hands on the table. "We've seen evidence all over the place, and you know it!"
Dedede shrugged. "Nothin' that'd hold up in court," he said.
"And we are nearing the end of our journey," Ganondorf pointed out. He gestured at the gloved figures on the whiteboard. "Do you really want to go to those two empty handed, so to speak?"
"We have enough to present to them," Zelda insisted. "No doubt the Hands have noticed the world's plight as well, and may indeed have a better plan than us as to how to fix it."
Bowser snorted. "Wouldn't be hard," he said. "You heroes talk about winning, but I count one victory we've scored on this journey. That's not even worth the price of the gas that got us here."
Peach put her hands on her hips. "You're welcome to leave any time you want. Go back to your castle and rot."
"Oh, I'm not going anywhere," Bowser said. "I wanna be there when you reach the Hands, and they tell you just what kind of fools you all are for doing this. I wouldn't miss that for the world."
"You followed us all this way," Peach pointed out. "What kind of fool does that make you?"
"Please, settle down everyone," Zelda said, her voice starting to crack. "We have work to do, we can't just fight like this."
"Can't we?" Sephiroth asked, getting to his feet. "This is Smash, after all. Why bother gathering together, if not to fight?" He drew his sword, causing everyone in a ten foot radius to back away hurriedly.
Dark Pit drew his swords as well. "My thoughts exactly!" he exclaimed, glancing at Sephiroth for approval. He received only a look of disdain.
Cloud now stood and put a hand on his own sword. "You dare unsheathe your blade in this, the gathering to decide our fate?" he said. "After we all put aside our differences to save this world?"
Sephiroth smirked. "We gathered because the world fell inactive," he said. "So let's get active."
Hearing this, Meta Knight began to ponder. He scratched his chin and remained seated. He was just about the only one.
Despite Zelda's protests, everyone on both sides of the table prepared for battle. Swords were drawn, knuckles were cracked, and heroes and villains alike swelled with fierce emotions like they hadn't done in months.
Fox readied his blaster. "Looks like you were right," he said to Ganondorf. "A world without fighting is a world we don't belong in." Hearing this only sent Meta Knight deeper into thought.
Pikachu began to advance, cheeks crackling, but Samus pulled him back. "Let the adults handle this," she said, pushing him behind a chair, much to his surprise.
Pit drew his own swords, but his hands were shaking as he held them. Dark Pit took notice of this and adjusted his position, so that he alone would be fighting him.
Wario reluctantly pushed himself off his chair. Already, his knees were aching, and he shuffled to the back of the crowd to avoid any heavy fighting.
Ganondorf cackled. "Just look at all of us," he said. "An army of cripples and invalids, still fighting for lack of a better option."
Samus began charging her blaster. "Oh, I can think of no better option than this," she said, positioning herself in front of WFT.
"Finally, something we can all agree on!" Ganondorf retorted.
Whatever Zelda was saying now fell on deaf ears. The two sides glared at one another across the table, bodies tense and weapons drawn. The only question remaining was who would make the first move.
At that moment, the door to the room flew open, and Bayonetta stormed through, brandishing an empty bottle. "Which one of you fuckers did it?" she demanded.
Everyone else paused, so commanding and furious was her tone. A few of them looked scared, though none as much as Isabelle.
Only Dedede seemed confident enough to respond to her. "Meeting started fifteen minutes ago, hon. Maybe if ya"-
She rounded on him. "I don't want to fucking hear it, you fat bastard!"
Dedede recoiled, shocked.
"Please try to compose yourself, Bayonetta," Zelda said. "What's going on?"
"Don't tell me to compose myself," she snapped. "Someone's swiped all my liquor! Every last drop!" She threw her bottle into the middle of the table, but Mewtwo caught it with his mind before it could shatter.
Meta Knight folded his arms. "You've had no trouble dipping into my stores before," he said.
"They're empty too!" Bayonetta declared.
"Impossible," Meta Knight said. "I had thirty casks of merlot in my storeroom."
Dedede looked at him. "Thirty?" he said in disbelief.
"Well, they're all totally empty," Bayonetta said. "Dry as a bone. Even Izzy's stash is missing."
Isabelle said nothing, but she was shaking, her hands on her mouth.
Peach looked at her, concerned. "You…looked in Isabelle's room without her knowledge?"
"That's not the point," Bayonetta said. "One of you drained this ship dry while I wasn't looking!" Her eyes narrowed. "Or maybe it was all of you, hmm?"
"Now hang on," Samus said. "What are you accusing us of?"
"Spare me, Samus," Bayonetta said. "Don't think I don't notice those looks you all keep giving me. The hero look, that mix of pity and self-righteousness that means you can't help but stick your nose in other people's business."
"Don't lump us into this," Ganondorf said. "We're not involved in any plans they've been cooking up."
"If it makes you feel better, I'd happily watch you drink yourself to death," Sephiroth said. He braced himself for Dark Pit's sycophancy, but this time he kept silent.
"None of us have done anything," Zelda said. "We wouldn't stoop so low as to steal your belongings."
"Who did, then?" Bayonetta demanded. "Did fucking D.A.R.E. swoop by while I wasn't looking?"
Say something, Isabelle said to herself. Say something! But her mouth stayed shut.
"Oh, I see how it is," Bayonetta continued. "A witch has a few glasses of wine, that's something we need to stop cold turkey. But a goddess starving herself to death – that one we can't act quickly on, can we?"
Zelda looked guiltily at Palutena's empty seat. "We've been trying," she said. "We scheduled three separate interventions – she's dodged them all." Pit appeared to be studying the floor very intently.
"Of course she did, she's a fucking goddess!" Bayonetta exclaimed. "You can't just use a gentle touch with her, you need to do something that'll stick!" She glared intensely. "Unless you're too afraid of her."
"Of course we aren't!" Zelda insisted. "These things take time to plan, that's all."
"So in the meantime, you decided to pick on me because I can't defend myself so easily, is that it?" she said. "Because I had a glass too many, suddenly I need to be stopped?"
Peach stepped forward. "It was more than just one too many," she said.
"It's not important how many I-" She pinched the bridge of her nose. "…Bugger me, now I really sound like the child," she muttered.
Daisy stood up. "You're getting mad at us, but what have you been doing to help?" she demanded. "We've had meetings about how to help her, and you missed two of them because you had hangovers!"
"Daisy!" Peach hissed, gesturing to the crowd around them.
"I've been planning action on my own," Bayonetta said, her face slightly red. "I know how to fix Palutena better than any of you. All I've been working on is how to do it in a nuanced way." She clenched her fists. "But now I realize, why be nuanced?"
"Bayonetta, wait. We can discuss this," Zelda said, even though it was dawning on her that she was past the point of persuasion.
"Why discuss? No, you lot have shown me the truth of it. Just take action – blunt, obvious action. Clearly it works." She gestured down at herself. "I'm sober now, just like you all wanted. You should all pray I have half as much success." She pinched the bridge of her nose again and sighed. "I need to lie down."
She turned and walked from the room, leaving utter silence in her wake. After a few seconds, Zelda dashed after her. "Bayonetta, wait!" she called.
Daisy slumped back into her seat. "I…I'm sorry," she said, deflated. "I went too far there."
Bowser snorted. "If that's what you call too far, no wonder you're always so easy to-"
Peach pointed at him. "Don't. Even. Start."
Bowser fell silent. The whole room was engulfed in painful quiet.
Ganondorf clapped his hands together, startling everyone. "Well, I'd call this meeting adjourned," he said, standing up and pushing in his chair. "Villains, follow me. Heroes…do whatever the princesses tell you to."
The villains all started to depart. Peach wanted to stop them, but had no real justification to do so. The heroes were all similarly drained of resolve, and left shortly after.
Peach was one of the last stragglers to leave. Isabelle walked out slowly, clutching her head. "Why didn't I tell her? Why couldn't I say anything?" she kept muttering to herself.
Makoto had fallen silent during the chaos. Now she cleared her throat and stood. "Um, miss…Princess Peach? Before I leave, is there anything I can do to help?"
Peach chuckled ruefully. "You know, I was just asking myself that same question."
She stood up and began pushing in the chairs. Makoto followed suit.
"If it's any consolation, I believe you and Zelda," she said. "This isn't just natural depression."
"Well, thank you, dear," Peach said, her voice betraying nothing.
"And really, the nerve of those villains! It almost sounded like they were accusing her of making it up!" Makoto declared angrily. "Why would she just invent something like that?"
"That's the question, indeed," Peach said, though she knew the answer.
Because a monster is something we know how to fight.
xxxxxxx
After failing to track down Bayonetta, Zelda knew she'd be returning to an empty conference room. Sure enough, she returned to find not a soul still present. Someone, at least, had tidied up – probably Peach – leaving only the whiteboard to her. She started to wipe it down.
She stopped when she reached the center. Someone had left a handprint slightly obscuring Master Core in all the excitement, but the question mark in the center remained pristine. A big, fat question mark, with not even a single trait assigned to it.
All this work, and look what we have to show for it.
She glanced at the door to make sure it was closed. Then she put a hand next to the question mark, and slowly tilted forward until her head was touching the board. She clenched her hand into a fist.
"You had better be real," she whispered. "You have to be real!"
