Chapter eighteen

Never meet your villains

Dedede rubbed his forehead. "Well, that was a Dededisaster."

"Did you expect anything different?" Ganondorf said. "Those heroes can't ever take action for themselves. Which means it falls to us – as usual."

The conference room they now sat in was much smaller, but no less rowdy. It was a common misconception that villains, if left alone together, will immediately break out into fighting. It was more like subdued bickering, all the more subdued given the circumstances.

Bowser stood next to the whiteboard. On it was written the names of every kingdom and land that pertained to them. "Okay, so to summarize: the world sucks and these heroes haven't done jack about it. What do we do once they realize they've failed?"

"I don't know about you all," Ganondorf interjected, "but I'm going to do what I do best: rain fire and brimstone over my kingdom."

Dedede raised an eyebrow. "Isn't that what you were doin' already?"

"This time I'll do it right," Ganondorf said. "This new generation, they've forgotten how to fear. I'll show them true terror."

Dark Pit rolled his eyes. "Oh sure, the big blue piggy. That'll strike fear into their hearts."

Wolf shrugged. "Depends on the context."

Bowser crossed off Hyrule on the board. "Okay, that's Ganondorf's shitty plan out of the way. Who's next?"

Dark Pit raised his hand. After some of the other villains gave him a funny look, he put it down, then slammed his fist on the table instead. "I've got one," he said. "Palutena has these Three Sacred Treasures, but they can't be guarded well right now. I'll steal them, then tear down their pretty little palace. If that doesn't get Pit- uh, all of them angry, it'll sure as hell get 'em dead."

Bowser stroked his chin. "Not too shabby," he muttered, crossing off Skyloft on the board. Dark Pit beamed from the praise, while trying desperately to make sure nobody noticed.

"Yeah, pencil me in for some stealing, too," Wario said.

"Not from my castle, I hope," Bowser mumbled to himself.

Wario cackled. "Hope into one hand…"

"So, anyway," Bowser said, cutting him off. He turned to Kazuya. "You, new guy. What's your plan?"

Kazuya glared at him, arms folded. "Corporate espionage," he said.

Bowser waited for him to elaborate, but it seemed he wasn't going to.

"Okay," he said after a while. "Mewtwo, any plans?"

Mewtwo said nothing, simply floating there with his arms folded and glaring.

"Somethin' the matter?" Dedede asked.

"I deeply resent my inclusion at this meeting," he responded.

"Oh, get over it," Ganondorf said. "You're a villain. Everyone says so."

"And why should I care what humans think about me? Nearly all of them are beneath me."

Ganondorf gestured broadly. "See? Villain."

Mewtwo said nothing, instead returning to his sulk.

Meta Knight had said nothing for the entire meeting, merely looking down and contemplating. Now he looked up at Ganondorf. "'A world without fighting is one we don't belong in.' That is what you said to Fox earlier, is it not?"

Dark Pit groaned. "Oh my god, you're that far behind? We moved on from that!"

Ganondorf shrugged. "Yeah, I said it. What of it?"

"You may be more correct than you know," Meta Knight responded.

Ganondorf chuckled. "As usual," he said. "…but what are you talking about?"

Meta Knight looked around the table. "When is the last time any of you have been directly involved in an altercation with your respective heroes?"

Aside from Mewtwo, everyone answered with a similar number.

"Yes, as I thought," Meta Knight said. "Exactly around the time this malaise started, wasn't it?"

"I mean, yeah," Bowser said with a shrug. "We just didn't feel like doing anything nasty because we were all being malazy. What's your point?"

"Is it that?" Meta Knight asked. "Or is it the opposite?"

Everyone looked at him, puzzled. He continued.

"Zelda's fallacy was thinking there was some great monster causing our malcontent. But what if it was the lack of monsters – specifically, us? If our role in this world is to fight, would it throw the world off balance to simply not fight? Has this discontent fallen over us simply because we chose to be peaceful?"

"Impossible," Ganondorf said. "I took over Hyrule, and that didn't fix anything."

"But you weren't truly fighting for it, were you? You were just going through the motions. There was no true conflict, for you and Zelda both knew exactly how it would end."

"That's how they all end," Wolf interjected. "Heroes win, villains suck a big fat one. It's never gonna change, so why bother?"

Meta Knight pointed at him. "And it is that exact attitude that perpetuates the malaise," he said. The less we fight, the worse we feel. The worse we feel, the less we fight."

Bowser, meanwhile, was starting at the whiteboard. Contrary to appearances, he was listening, and thinking. The wheels simply turned slower in his head than others.

"Great," Ganondorf said sarcastically. "We know why we're fucked now. How do we unfuck ourselves?"

"We do just as Giovanni did. He escaped this cycle through sheer will, forcing his world to action with violence. If he can do it, the rest of us surely could."

"You tried that, remember?" Ganondorf pointed out. "The penguin and the puffball didn't take the hint."

"I'll…" Meta Knight struggled. "I'll do it right, this time, just as you said."

"Meaning what?" Ganondorf sneered. "You'll massacre your people?"

Meta Knight stayed silent.

"That's what I thought," Ganondorf said. "You're weak. You can't handle it."

"The goal is to restore balance to the world, not to empty it out," Meta Knight said angrily.

"Yeah. You always think genocide's the answer," Dedede said.

"What else would work?" Ganondorf demanded. "If the threat isn't real, it won't work."

Meta Knight's eyes flashed. "You want to see how much of a real threat I can be?" he said menacingly.

Ganondorf snorted. "Bring it on, little man," he said. "This isn't Brawl anymore. I'm not afraid of you."

Dedede stood up. "It ain't gonna be just him," he said, standing beside his compatriot.

Sephiroth, who had been on the verge of falling asleep, leapt to his feet. "Are we finally done talking?" he said.

Kazuya leapt over the table, then turned to face Sephiroth. "Seems we are," he said. "Let's see how good of a fighter you are."

Once again, the room buzzed with the sounds of impending violence. Only Bowser remained sanguine, starting at the words on the board with a thoughtful look. Finally, an idea struck him."

He turned to face the room. "Guys," he said.

Nobody heard him, too wrapped up in the brewing battles.

"Guys!" he shouted.

A few heard him this time. They ignored him anyway.

Bowser's anger began to brew. Finally, he took a big breath and shouted at the top of his lungs.

"MINIONS!"

Instantly, everyone turned to look at the turtle, each one glaring. "Minions?" they all said, all sounding insulted.

The force of their glares gave even Bowser pause. "Uh, now that I've got your attention," he mumbled.

He turned back to the whiteboard. "I've got a plan," he said, picking up a marker.

Ganondorf rolled his eyes. "Oh, goody," he said sarcastically. "Let's all listen to the guy who can't beat a plumber in single combat."

"Single combat's not part of the plan," he retorted. "But this is."

He drew a large circle around every word on the board. Every town, land, and even world, all fell within it.

"So what are you saying?" Dark Pit asked. "You wanna take over the world? Gee, that's original."

"Oh, much worse than that," Bowser said. "We're not gonna take over the world. We're gonna save it."

With a sales pitch like that, they couldn't help but listen.

xxxxxxx

Samus cracked her neck as she walked out to the hangar.

"Finally," she said to herself. "I've missed this."

"Pika pika?"

Samus turned around to see Pikachu following close behind her.

"Oh hey there, little bud. What are you doing here?" she asked.

Pikachu tilted his head in her direction.

"Me?" she said. "Oh, I just received a distress call from a system a few kiloclicks away. Been a while since I could let loose and kick some…tail, so I'm investigating."

"Pika! Pika!" Pikachu said, jumping up and down excitedly.

"Yep, pretty crazy," she said. "I'll tell you all about it when I get back." She then strolled away.

Pikachu tilted his head in confusion, then hurried off after her.

Hearing his footsteps behind her as she approached her ship, Samus turned around to see him again. "Oh, you wanted to come?" she asked.

Pikachu nodded.

"Sorry, kid," she said. "It's too dangerous. I'm doing this one solo."

"Pika!" he protested, cheeks sparking with energy.

"I know you're strong," Samus said. "I've seen it firsthand. But this is my fight. I'm not about to risk your safety on it."

"Pi-"

She put her foot down. "No," she said firmly. "You're not coming. That's the final word."

Pikachu's ears and tail drooped. "Pika."

Samus's face softened. "Don't worry," she said, bending down to scratch his head. "I won't be gone long."

She stood up again and walked towards her ship. Pikachu slowly trudged away, his head down.

Wii Fit Trainer walked in. "Hey, little guy," she said. "Have you seen-"

She stopped, noticing Samus boarding her ship and Pikachu's sad expression. She sighed, bending down to pet him.

"She just gets like this sometimes," WFT said. "There's not much we can do about it, I'm afraid."

Samus, meanwhile, had begun to take off. As she turned her ship to exit the hangar, she took one last glance at the two of them. She felt a sour feeling in the pit of her stomach.

Her computer lit up. "Pushing those two away acts directly against your own self-interest," Adam said. "I hope you realize that."

Samus didn't respond. Arguing with Adam was never a winning proposition, even when he was still alive.

"Your expression suggests that you do."

She muted him.

He was wrong, anyway. There was no way she could take either of them on a mission with her. The real Adam's fate in and of itself was a testament to why.

Besides, I would never take children on a mission with me, especially ones I care about.

Once was bad enough.

xxxxxxx

"Any more questions?" Bowser asked the room. This time, at last, nobody answered. "Good."

He gestured at the whiteboard, which was now a fair sight busier than when they started. "We'll have to erase this so the heroes don't catch on. Commit this plan to memory, and I'll see you all at the-"

Click

Bowser Jr. snapped a picture with his phone.

"…Or do that," Bowser finished.

Meta Knight stood up. "I must say, Bowser, this is a far better plan than I would've expected."

"Yeah," Wolf said. "Who woulda thought you had it in you?"

"Not me," Dedede chimed in.

"Okay, enough with the 'compliments,'" Bowser said. "Just get out of here, and don't blab to the heroes."

The villains filed out, and Bowser wiped the board clean with the palm of his hand. When he left, only two remained.

Sephiroth yawned, stood up, and stretched. "Another missed opportunity," he said disinterestedly. "If a room full of villains can't start a fight, who can?" He began to depart.

"Uh, wait! Mr…Sephiroth…sir."

Sephiroth turned around. Dark Pit was standing there stiffly, unsure of whether to look down or make eye contact. Respect fit him ill, like a once-worn suit in the back of the closet.

"Yes?" Sephiroth said, looming over him. "Make this quick."

Dark Pit fidgeted. "Well, sir, I was wondering if I could…uh, ask you for advice on something."

"Hah!" Sephiroth barked. Dark Pit jumped. "You're asking the wrong person. Nobody ever asks me for advice, and my unsolicited advice rarely inspires those I give it to." He raised an eyebrow. "But go on. If you continue to amuse me, maybe I won't consider this time wasted."

"Um, uh, well…I've got this…enemy. A mortal enemy, you know," Dark Pit said.

"That other angel child?" Sephiroth said.

Dark Pit winced at the double insult. "Yeah, that guy," he muttered.

"What, are you asking for aid to defeat him?" Sephiroth scoffed. "I've not seen a more pathetic being on this ship!"

"No, no, it's not that," Dark Pit said hurriedly. "I could totally kick his ass."

Sephiroth narrowed his eyes. "Them why don't you?"

"Uh, because…because…" Dark Pit stammered. Alone in a room with him, the man was far more imposing than on any battlefield. "He's…not a worthy adversary! Yeah, that's it! It'd be all too easy, no fun at all."

"Then kill him."

Dark Pit's blood ran cold. "W-what?"

"Kill him, and find a more worthy adversary," Sephiroth said, terrifyingly calmly. "It would not be hard."

"I can't do that!" Dark Pit exclaimed. "He's my – I mean, I'm his dark reflection!"

"All the more reason to," Sephiroth said. "A man can only grow stronger once he defeats his own weaker self. Wouldn't you agree?"

"Y-no!" Dark Pit said. "My life is linked to his! If he dies, I die!"

Sephiroth chuckled. "It seems you haven't been paying much attention. Tell, me, boy, when he loses a match, do you get petrified as well?"

"Well…no…" Dark Pit admitted.

"The normal rules don't apply here," Sephiroth said. "How else could I be standing before you? That means that this is your only chance to be rid of him."

Dark Pit's heart sank, as he realized that Sephiroth was right.

Sephiroth clenched his fist. "So seize the opportunity, boy. Cut your strings, free yourself from a life in his shadow."

Dark Pit's knees were shaking.

He really could die here, and I wouldn't. I really could end it.

The thought terrified him.

He looked down, and summoned whatever courage he could find. "N-no," he muttered.

"Hmm?" Sephiroth leaned down. "Speak up, boy, I can't hear you."

"No!" Dark Pit shouted. His body tensed up, and he waited for Sephiroth to retaliate.

Sephiroth shrugged. "Fine. Then I will."

"What?"

Sephiroth gestured around the room. "You saw what happened in here, and the last meeting. Nobody truly wants to fight. So I'll do what I should've done the moment I got here - I'll force them."

He headed towards the door, but Dark Pit jumped in front of him. "Hey, wait a second," he said quickly. "You said he was too pathetic, couldn't put up a real fight, right?"

"Him, no," Sephiroth said. "But that goddess of his…"

Dark Pit's eyes grew wide.

"She has even less drive to fight than the rest of you. Kill the boy, though…" Sephiroth said. He grinned. "I should think an enraged goddess would be an enjoyable fight. Even a starved one such as herself."

The realization hit Dark Pit.

He's been paying attention this whole time. He always looks like he couldn't care less, but he's always been watching, listening. He just tricked us all into thinking he wasn't!

"But that's quite enough talk," Sephiroth said. "If you don't plan to participate, boy, I suggest you get out of my way."

Dark Pit was shaking all over, harder than he ever had before. Yet somehow, his feet wouldn't get the message to run away. Instead, he drew one of his swords, pointing the blade at Sephiroth. "I-I-I won't," he managed.

Sephiroth raised an eyebrow. "My, my. You really don't want me to do this, do you?"

He drew his Masamune halfway, still leaving it partially in its sheath. Even so, the exposed blade was longer than Dark Pit was tall. More than ever before, he felt small.

"But you don't look like you could stop me."