Disclaimer: Darkwing Duck and everything related is property of Disney.
AN: Does anyone know what the proper name is (if there is any…) for Megavolt's gun? I'm going for electro-gun…mostly because I giggle every time I say it aloud.
But more importantly…I have no idea how to properly write the way Steelbeak talks, and I feel that it would only look stupid if I tried squeeze in a few dat instead of that. And the License to Steel webpage doesn't work anymore it seems…so I'll just settle with trying to make him sound suave…which coincidentally I'm not completely sure on how to do either…
"I'm boor-" Quackerjack began but cut himself off in the nick of time.
"If you even consider finishing that sentence, a sentence, I might add, you've been repeating over and over again during this last hour, then I'll…I'll…uh…"
Staring into the muzzle of Megavolt's electro-gun turned out to be an immense source of inspiration for what Megavolt could do.
"You'll make me wish I was never born?" Quackerjack suggested, "Fry me until I'm nice and crispy? Or…" a worrying grin appeared and made Megavolt glad that he was currently armed and not entirely defenceless…not that it would stop Quackerjack, "Or perhaps you'll teach me the true meaning of pain? That I wouldn't mind."
There's nothing more frustrating than threatening a duck who actually enjoys what he's being threatened with.
"Can't you just be quiet?" Megavolt begged, his head pounding, "Is it really so hard?"
Giving the rodent a look that said; Are you insane? Which he was but…but you know what I mean, Quackerjack answered; "Yes. Yes it truly is."
Finally giving up, Megavolt let the weapon return to the holster at his side, "Look, it's not my fault we're stuck here, is it? So stop whining about it."
Flaring up indignantly, the jester gestured angrily, "So you're saying this is entirely my fault, huh? My fault that we're fleeing through the sewers, hunted by F.O.W.L and practically defenceless since we're surrounded by water and the slightest mistake from your side could kill us all. IS IT MY FAULT?"
"Yes!" Megavolt hissed back with vengeance, "Why didn't you say F.O.W.L was involved in this?" He wished he was back on one of his regular liberation missions, they were so much more straightforward than this…and best of all, somehow electrical equipment hardly drew the attention of infamous crime syndicates. Megavolt could never exactly figure out why.
"Well…you didn't ask! And I didn't want to interrupt your happy scheming," and the jester had the nerve to look sad…in that pitiful way that only served to give Megavolt guilt and turn the whole argument around, "You didn't even ask WHICH sides Ted-"
"-or Joe."
"-was playing for."
"I happen to forget a number of things," Megavolt snapped, concentrating on moving forward and avoiding the water, knowing that Quackerjack was probably filing away every comment that he deemed would require punishment later on, "With these fried memory centres of mine, you know. You'll have to forgive me!"
The only sound the jester, who was a few paces behind him, made was the soft jingle of bells, and then all too sudden…the sound was close and a warm breathe tickled the back of the rodent's neck, causing his hairs to stand straight out.
"Hm…" Quackerjack murmured, "When you put that way it certainly does sound like it's my fault," he reached around Megavolt's waist, yanked out the electro-gun and fired at an eggman who had been hiding a few feet away.
The bare corridor of one of those delivering companies that are just SO HAPPY to be given the HONOUR of delivering YOUR GOODS, with the slightly zombified workers, slowly letting their spirits be broken by the corporation, was eerily empty but they didn't think much of it…probably time for their coffee break. Or possibly because it was too early in the morning…the street lights had yet to be turned off…which had been noted by a righteous Megavolt.
Problems
had started to occur in the very beginning. What they had expected
was perhaps a couple of S.H.U.S.H agents undercover mixed in with the
usual personnel managing the conveyor belt…no more and no less.
However they could at least agree on the important things.
"So we have a deal then? I enter first and I get to say the witty comment," Quackerjack queried and patiently awaited Megavolt's response, "Well?"
"Mmgmph!"
"Sorry what?" Quackerjack smiled and benevolently removed the brightly coloured toy hammer, which had previously been used to kindly smash Megavolt's head into the beige wall.
Rubbing his jaw carefully, the rodent sighed dejectedly, "Fine, we'll do the entrance your way this time."
"I'm so glad you finally came to see things my way, Megsy," Quackerjack drawled.
"Uh yes…I found our discussion very, very rewarding."
"I can certainly think of quite a few ways to reward you for your obedience."
And Megavolt didn't doubt that he could, "Not now!"
Quackerjack pouted miserably, "Aw, why not?"
Not letting himself fall for the jester's old trick, Megavolt simply gestured towards their surroundings, "Remember why we're here in the first place."
"Ah yes…" Quackerjack giggled, "To do very, very bad things to other people."
Megavolt looked at his counterpart with something not completely unlike the affectionate kind of loathe. "Just get the door."
With an over-the-top bow, Quackerjack sent what could have been described as a dashing smile had it not been for the anticipant glint in his eyes, "I'd be more than happy to!" he raised the hammer and opened the double doors up with a perfect backhand swing.
Not an overly friendly sight greeted them inside the conveyor belt centre, most of the workers inside appeared to be quite dead. Those who were alive were looking about as lively as a clot of zombies, although zombies would have been preferable to the armed eggman that now stared with utter confusion at the two new arrivals.
As on a silent order, all weapons were cocked and aimed at the doorway. It was one of those moments when time seemed to be moving incredibly slow and where there's only a blank mind, completely devoid of good ideas, to help you.
"H-hi…" Megavolt stammered, "Is this where I do my taxes?"
"Wait!" the clown snapped, "You promised I'd get the witty comment!"
The spell was broken and a cold voice suddenly called out; "Don't just stand there!"
A lot quicker on the uptake than the rodent, Quackerjack quickly grabbed Megavolt and got both of them out of harm's way. This sudden act of compassion went completely over his, for the moment dim-witted, friend's head, even as the air space they'd recently occupied was filled with armour piercing bullets.
The sound of fire was deafening, and yet the familiar click of a weapon being cocked ran loud and clear. The former almost abandoned beige corridor was now occupied to the brim, so to speak, with trigger happy eggmen. All of them standing just out of reach and could safely hide behind their weapons.
It was enough to make the most stable rodent jittery…and to be honest; Megavolt wasn't the most stable rat around.
"Eggmen!" he cried, pointing wildly at the men…women, who knows? It was impossible to tell with the costumes, "F.O.W.L! Eggmen! F.O.W.L.! EGGMEN!"
"Hey!" Quackerjack hissed, "I don't think you should be calling anyone pointing a gun at you foul."
"Foul…" Megavolt repeated weakly, not caring what he was saying anymore.
"My, my…I'm not sure whether to be giving you a gold star for perception or insulted," the rooster said and this is where the morning became really bad.
"I hope you are comfortable," Steelbeak said jovially, not too differently from the jovial way you greet a business partner over a simple lunch.
Quackerjack grinned back, and to anyone it could've been a random mad grin for the jester, but Megavolt thought he could see that more determined murderous glare in it, not the way Quackerjack looked at those he deemed had been good toys given how long they lasted or the way he looked at Megavolt, ready to devour everything… but…eh in a good kind of way…said the rat who considered slight abuse to be another form of love.
"Now that you mention it, these nylon ropes are chafing," Megavolt interjected in the ongoing, and one-sided, mad grinning contest. Meaning, the jester grinned like mad and Steelbeak tried to ignore it.
"Indeed!" Quackerjack smoothly concurred, "Wouldn't mind loosening them, would you?"
Steelbeak chuckled and gave Megavolt a friendly slap that caused his head to ring and spots to appear before his eyes.
"You ARE funny, aren't you? I've personally lost track on how many times those exact words have become S.H.U.S.H agents' last words. And I do mean last words," he chuckled once more, to add to the already very charming appearance, and put an arm around Megavolt's shoulders. Quackerjack tensed reasonably at this, and his face seemed to scream; "Mine!" or anything equally possessive.
"See here, Megsy…can I call you that?"
"No!" Quackerjack snarled.
Easily ignoring the murderous clown, Steelbeak continued; "See here, my bosses are upset and they tell me; ´Listen, Steelie. S.H.U.S.H has something we want and you're going to get it for us.' When they ask so nicely, how could I possibly decline? I'd like you to imagine just how upset I am when I discover that hey! The package with practically my name written all over it is already gone."
"Very upset?" Megavolt offered, not really bothering about the whole phenomenon called rhetorical questions. It happened to other people, those with a normal sense of social interaction.
"You hit the spot, Sparky."
Megavolt twitched, if only his hands weren't tied down…then he'd show that uppity rooster just why he'd earned that nickname and at the same time; he didn't fail to notice that no matter how furious the name made him, Quackerjack seemed nearly feral. Who knew that he could get so adamantly possessive.
"And I've been upset the whole week," Steelbeak on the other hand seemed a bit obvious about the fact that he was slowly starting to push two of Saint Canard's
prime candidates for the 'Most Psychotic Villain with Fetish' award over the edge. Then again, F.O.W.L's top agent knew how long you could poke around in a nest of snakes on speed before it was time to take cover.
"Because you know that your carefully planned operation will be going down the drain when your informant ends up in the morgue."
Especially when the blunt element used to end his life was a pogo-stick.
"Carefully planned?" Megavolt snorted and shrugged of the arm that encircled his shoulders, forgetting that perhaps avoid gaining Steelbeak's ire was a healthy idea, "This operation is about as planned as ours. And we're…you know…INSANE!"
Their carefully planned operation had been; Go to the right place, take the secret doodad and then get out. It had seemed so simple in theory.
Steelbeak nodded in what appeared to be a thoughtful manner, "This is a lot messier than I prefer," he admitted rather sorrowfully but forced. And then the loveable smile faded and the smarmy look was replaced with a look of pure and unaltered rage.
"Where. Is. It."
It wasn't as much as a question as it was a simple demand, which suggested failing to answer this would result in unpleasantness.
"Where is what? Your keys? Are you looking for your keys?" Quackerjack asked back, genuinely a bit confused by now. He understood false joviality, he understood the act of being neatly tied up…and being tied up together with Megavolt was a nice change of pace as it usually was his job to tie the electric rodent up. And Megsy was always averse to return the favour. But would it hurt to be more specific?
"Nope! Haven't seen your keys."
"Don't play dumb," Steelbeak snarled, deciding that there's only so much useless banter one can take in one bad morning.
"He isn't playing," Megavolt commented lightly, his hand seeking and finding the jester's and giving it a quick squeeze, "And why are you still talking to us? If we had the stupid package, would we have rushed back inside?"
They probably would have, though not intentionally.
"Oh, we have a droll one on our neck, boys," Steelbeak said, the remark was directed to the gathered eggmen. Nevertheless, he didn't miss the mood change in his two prisoners, "What are you two up to?" he said and frowned, the eggmen automatically tensed.
Before today, Megavolt's only contact with the F.O.W.L organisation had been brief, often as an involuntarily spectator in the background as Negaduck went nuts on the eggmen. Now he decided that he didn't like the organisation…not at all. Especially its smarmy top agent who reminded him all too much of an average school bully.
The electricity that flowed through his body started acting up because of Megavolt's own nervousness, this usually happened when he was shock-full of far-fetched schemes or already well on his way on becoming a gibbering heap of paranoia.
On rare occasions, it gave his brain a jumpstart and led him to the place where the boundaries between absolute brilliance, madness, dream and reality were non-existent and quite superfluous.
He suspected that this was where Quackerjack spent most of his time…and for some reason his arms were starting to get really itchy…and if the nylon ropes hadn't held him back he'd scratch until he bled.
The ropes snapped.
And the electrical equipment in the eggmen's helmets suddenly became a very tempting target. As Quackerjack would have expressed it; It was…something, something…time…
"THIS!" Megavolt shouted and a surge of electricity flowed from his fingertips and into the helmets made by F.O.W.L. its high-tech going haywire, "This is what we're up to!" he cackled, it was moments like these that made him love life.
"Next time," Quackerjack took a hold of Megavolt and flung both of them behind one of the conveyor belts, this whole act of getting the rat to move was slowly becoming a routine for him, "When we do a sneak attack, don't shout anything witty before it," he pouted, "You promised me that it was my turn."
Random cries of; "I'm blind!", "I can't see!" and of course the classic; "Who turned the lights off!" were heard. It made one wonder if F.O.W.L's only existing recruitment policy was that the eggmen should know from which end of the weapon the bullets were going to come out of.
To cheer them up, Quackerjack threw them a present…and bear in mind that his idea of the perfect gift exploded and drenched those close by in a liquid which ignited.
"TAKE OFF THE HELMETS!" Steelbeak's enraged voice broke through the cacophony.
"But it buuuuuurrrrnnnnsss!" a hapless soldier screamed back.
The thought of recapturing the former prisoners perished.
Adding to the already existing mayhem, Megavolt overloaded the machinery next to him and parts of the conveyor system exploded. It was very pretty.
Sighing contently, Quackerjack felt that he was only a few steps away from reaching Nirvana, "Finally! Finally things are starting to go boom!" he discovered that he was speaking to deaf ears, or more correctly, no ears at all. Megavolt had bolted and headed straight for the second exit in the large room.
"Do we have to go nooooow? This is fun, fun!"
"Sprinklers!" was the only answer he received.
"Sprinklers?" and then Quackerjack was drenched, "Oh right…smoke…water…" he felt the chaos call to him but withstood its allure, his departing words were slightly patronizing; "Best thing about crazy people is that you can always rely on them acting crazy!" and then he sprinted after the aqua phobic villain.
Steelbeak hardly felt surprised when the smoke from the burning chemical sent his underlings into an insane fit of giggles.
"This is horrible…this is really, really horrible. And we're going to die. We're going to die horribly."
"Gobbledygook!" was the protest Quackerjack voiced.
Megavolt regretted the day when he had given that extra large thesaurus to the toymaker, even if it had been on sale…
…okay,
so he had stolen one when passing through a bookshop…but they had
been practically been giving them away for free anyway. The colourful
signs had said so. No harm done.
"Can't you talk like a normal person?" Megavolt also regretted using the rather unfitting word 'normal' when talking to Quackerjack, who was currently occupied with looking after pursuers.
For the time being they were safe. As safe as one could be after they'd set several eggmen on fire and generally annoyed agent Steelbeak. Not to mention the fact that they had to fight with teeth and claws to get away from the police that had chosen to show up.
Then there was always a masked mallard lurking about…
"Gobbledygook is a normal word; people use it all the time," the maddening brightly dressed duck said.
"What people?"
"Does it matter? You never socialize."
You may win the war, Quackerjack, but not the battle…great he even screwed it up in his own head.
"Now, what do say if we get away from here?"
"I don't mind if we do," honestly, Megavolt had absolutely nothing to object to that proposition.
"Fantastic! I know the perfect escape route."
"P-perfect?" Did he have to use the p-word? It never meant anything for him when Quackerjack regarded anything as perfect. And this time proved to be no different.
"The sewers?" Megavolt squeaked.
The murky depths of the manhole were uncovered by Quackerjack, it seemed to wink at Megavolt and a strange feeling of déja-vu swept over him. "Wait! I think I remember some- NO!" he felt Quackerjack grab him, "Don't do it, Quacky! Please don't!" resisting and begging only seemed to make the toymaker more set on his task.
"Got to get that acid off somehow, don't we!" he chirped sickeningly sweet.
Megavolt opened his mouth to retort with a scathing insult but stopped to think, "Acid?"
The itching arms were gone, replaced by arms that felt like they were on fire.
"Yup! I storied it in my new cufflinks!" and then Megavolt was gleefully shoved down into the sewers.
The moment he reached the watery substance known as…eh…water, yes, all his beloved currents of crackling power were painfully removed from his body. Nothing could compare to it. Not even those days when Quackerjack was in a rotten mood and quite bent to make sure everyone else felt the same way.
Feeling quite like the drenched rat, Megavolt stiffly managed to crawl over to a marginally drier part of the sewer tunnel. Every time…every time this particular ordeal happened, it left him with an appalling sensation of utter loneliness.
And Quackerjack didn't exactly make him feel better about it, "Did you get off all the acid?" he asked after landing too gracefully for it to be not annoying.
"You used acid?" Megavolt whined without shame, he scurried over to the dirty water, rinsing his arms even though the contact with the substance made him shudder.
"It solved the 'being tied up' problem, didn't it?" the jester pulled Megavolt to his feet, "That should do it. It's my own special mixture so I think you'll be just dandy!"
Think?
The rat discarded his gloves to be on the safe side.
Cufflinks and acid, there was so many wrongs with the way Quackerjack accessorized.
"Um…" Megavolt staggered, and as much as he felt that it was not a good idea to lean against Quackerjack, it was either that or fall from the ledge and into the water again, "…I don't feel so good."
"Well…" the jester expressed his not too sympathetic feelings; "Not much I can do about that, is there! Or do you want me to kiss your boo-boo to make it all better?" he leered.
"No, no, no! The switch…" Megavolt feebly gestured towards his battery.
"This switch?" without making sure it was the right one, the jester quickly flipped it. When Megavolt didn't do anything interesting he felt cheated. Though the delectable look of pure bliss on Megavolt's face as the welcome warmth of the reserve power, which he stored in the battery for rainy days…often this was meant literary, returned to the rat's cold limbs served as a fairly good substitute.
When they got home, Quackerjack grinned, he would have to remind Megavolt of a few important things with the help of his well thought out games.
Steelbeak looked at the uncovered manhole
"It's always the sewers…"
And the suit was new…the story of his life…
"Oh great job, Quacky," Megavolt muttered with as much sarcasm he could muster, "I'm really low on power now," he poked the meter, hoping that it was perhaps merely malfunctioning. No such luck.
"Better bled dry than…literary bled dry," was the bizarrely pragmatic answer from Quackerjack, "Besides, I didn't use much. He's only knocked out. See?" he kicked some debris on the eggman to prove it, the target groaned, "Absolutely, positively not dead as a doornail!" Quackerjack exclaimed.
"All in all," a low voice said, "It's the mediocre duo doing their usual sloppy work."
Megavolt shrieked, very unfitting for a veteran in villainy, and swirled around with as much balance as a drunken ballerina. This action was regretted because just as he had expected, a very disgruntled Negaduck stood behind him with a look that said that he'd been standing there for ages…now he had simply decided to make his presence known.
"Where did he come from?" Quackerjack voiced Megavolt's own question, he could never get how the mallard managed the whole appearing without a sound routine.
"Excuse me?" Negaduck hissed, malevolence radiating off him, "I'm standing right here," his hand reached forward and curled around the other duck's neck.
It was nice knowing you, Quacky…
"You don't talk like I'm not around when in fact, I am around," Negaduck snarled, "What is my name, clown?" he tightened his grip.
"Gak! Negaduck!"
"Good," he released Quackerjack who shrank back against Megavolt, "You'll use it, respectfully, from now on."
He turned his gaze towards Megavolt, who smiled nervously and waved back. Negaduck was scary…and maybe even scarier when he looked like he was unarmed. At least when he was bellowing and wielding a chainsaw you knew where you had him.
"You dolts," Negaduck barked, "You've completely ruined my perfect heist. Can't you even stay in one place and soak up bullets? Is it toooooo hard for you?" he sneered cruelly at the blank, and noticeable fearful faces, staring at him, "What, are you surprised? Did you honestly think it was a coincidence that the F.O.W.L spy fell into your hands…" he paused, "…you did, didn't you?" Negaduck slapped himself in the forehead, the standard movement to express immense frustration.
"Argh…look, saps, I was going to steal F.O.W.L's precious little trinket, right under their favourite steel reinforced beak. But you had to mess up your only assignment by leading them down to MY escape route."
Great, Megavolt just knew Quackerjack would take that as the ultimate proof that his idea of an escape route was perfect. Ignoring the short circuiting results sewers meant for the electrically charged criminal altogether.
"Don't worry, you're going to get a second chance," Negaduck glanced down at the put out of commission eggman, "But first I'll have to deal with this. I do detest sloppy work."
For the first time in his life, Megavolt thanked whichever deity was responsible for letting him end up with his sometimes unwanted companion in crime.
"You did that?" he exclaimed ecstatically, "Just for me?"
"Of course, Megs, a generator just for you," Quackerjack pushed Megavolt forward, "See, it's not a bad idea to get back to my place."
He was being lured into the spider's nest, he knew, but a recharge was always a recharge and right now Megavolt was prepared to kill for some juice.
Though it was not the happy sight of recharging that welcomed them when Quackerjack pushed open the doors to his old warehouse.
"Best thing about villains is that you can always rely on them acting predictable. Returning to your secret hideout right away? Tisk, tisk…" Steelbeak looked mildly amused. A few of the eggmen with him were decidedly more battered up and scorched since their last session.
That conceiting smirk on the glinting steel beak made Megavolt think in particular ways he typically only did while dealing with Darkwing Duck.
I…I want to set you on fire…
But he didn't let his wish be known, all Megavolt said instead was; "Ha! This only shows you're smart enough to figure us out. EVERYONE knows villains always return to their hideout right away, we knew you know and assumed you knew we knew this…and…" And I have no idea what point I was trying to make, "…and we have many different hideouts!" Megavolt crossed his arms, "So there!"
"Yes, but this one was closest."
There was no arguing there, Megavolt shrugged, "Darn, he's good," he muttered to Quackerjack.
"And I'm handsome to boot, but enough chit-chat. Hand it over," the rooster ordered.
"You mean this?" Quackerjack waved tauntingly with the object in his hand; simply because he was mere seconds from being forced to give up the prize didn't mean he couldn't be smug about possessing it for a short time.
"That's a teddy bear," Steelbeak remarked,
"Wrong!" Quackerjack said mockingly in the a Are You Always This Dense? voice, "It's a FLUFFY teddy bear. Also the toy you've been looking for."
"So you did steal it. I was beginning to worry that my only lead would only lead to more messy ends for others."
As I'd let some oily agent help me kick the bucket, Megavolt thought, that would be over my dead body…no…wait…wrong again...
"Now hand the pack…um…teddy bear...over," Steelbeak looked like there were no kinds of torture worse than having to utter that special sentence. Unfortunately, Quackerjack looked quite willing to show him that there was.
The jester raised his hand to throw it but Steelbeak stopped him and pointed towards, "Don't throw on us, just put it down."
"Whatever you say," Quackerjack he made a big show of just carefully placing the desired item on the warehouse floor and grinned, "Come and get it."
Two eggmen separated from the larger group, one warily aiming his weapon on the two loonies, while the other motioned for them to move backwards and then leaned forward to apprehend the teddy bear.
They returned to Steelbeak like happy yet fearful ducklings. And, not unlike how children joyously rips open their presents on Christmas, Steelbeak ripped the stuffed animal apart. After a while, when it had been thoroughly searched, he could only state the painful truth; "There's just fluff…"
"It's what you get in fluffy teddy bears," Megavolt tried to help, feeling slightly sorry for the dejected looking rooster, "The fluff is what makes it…err fluffy."
"Wow, and how long did that take to deduce, Sherlock?"
"But there's supposed to be a…a S.H.U.S.H thing inside!" Steelbeak protested.
Isn't there any one who actually knows what the doodad really is? Megavolt found the whole affair on the verge on becoming extremely embarrassing.
"Ah…" a revelation made itself clear in Megavolt's head, for once, "I thought it was a little strange disguise S.H.U.S.H chose."
"I find it even stranger that Negaduck had a fluffy teddy bear with him," the jester pointed out.
Megavolt sighed, "So it was just a decoy from Negaduck then. I wonder if we survive this, do you think Negaduck is going to kill us for not dying?"
"Who knows?" Quackerjack answered, not entirely too unhappy with the result, at least the arrogant idiot was not getting what he wanted, "We're really bad at this cannon fodder job," he added.
Steelbeak felt that once more had he and his henchmen been temporarily omitted from reality again by the duo. He wish he could also conveniently neglect certain matters in his life.
"Why don't I feel more shocked at this?" Megavolt wondered, hoping no one would pick up on his word choice and try to make any kind of wordplay.
"Duh…it's Negaduck…if he didn't do stuff like this all the time I'd think he'd gone nuts."
While thinking about what the jester said, the rodent commented; "…but he's kinda nuts already."
"Yeah…well…yeah…SHUT UP!"
Deciding to grab everyone's attention yet again, those two had ridiculously short attention spans, Steelbeak cleared his throat and said; "Weirdoes, no matter how adorable this Old Married Couple bickering is, I have been up all morning, losing a great deal of beauty sleep because of you two. Believe it or not, I have a job to do," he smirked as an idea formed in his head, "And now I think that you do too."
