Spacebar Second Stage
by Jemu Nekketsu
*STANDARD DISCLAIMERS APPLY*
EPISODE 2: Tyrant's End
BOS: Hahahahahahahahaha!!! I'm back!!! And I bring with me the instrument of destruction!!! Tremble, mortals!!!
Evang: What the devil are you screaming about!? It's friggin' 12 midnight, for crying out loud!!!
Sada-chan: Can't a dead psionic psycopath rest in peace around here?
BOS: Hah! My first victims!
Evang: Oro?
Sada-chan: I thought you hated that word!
Evang: I only hate it when it's used to death by trying-hard otaku. But it seems appropriate in this instance, right?
BOS: I shall now say the words of power that will bring you to your knees and turn you into my thralls!!!
Sada-chan: Abracadabra?
Evang: Hocus pocus?
Gai, Kaji, and Tsukumo walk in, and are curious to find out what Sada-chan and Evang are mouthing incantations for.
Kaji: At least it's not Aramaic.
Tsukumo: Nope, not Aramaic.
Gai: Eh? What's Aramaic?
BOS: Hahaha!!! Fresh meat!!!
Gai: Aramaic means fresh meat?
Evang: I know! Open sesame!
Kaji: What are you two doing?
Sada-chan: We're trying to guess what BOS's so-called words of power are, so we can counter them.
Gai: Let me try! How about, "OPEN GATE!!"
BOS: No.
Kaji: Try it backwards!!!
Gai: OK!!! GATE OPEN!!!
BOS: No.
Gai: Damn! Maybe he wants it formal-like?
Tsukumo: Very well. OPEN THE GATE!!!
BOS: I've had it with this farce!!!
With that, multiple viewscreens appeared around the humans, caging them.
BOS: MASSIVE MULTIPLAYER ONLINE GAME!!! HAHAHAHAHA! Roll your saving throws, kiddies!
The humans took 20-sided dice from their pockets, and each of them rolled once. As luck would have it, none of them rolled higher than a ten, except for Evang, who got a 12. Unfortunately, Evang had a -4 penalty to Willpower saves, and ends up with a measly 8.
BOS: AHAHAHAHAHAH!!! Ladies and gentlemen, I give you...
(Text appearing in striking font across each viewscreen: ARMAGEDDON ON-LINE.)
The fellowship had failed. All had succumbed to the lure of the MMOG AOL which BOS had unleashed on them. Now, trapped in an imaginary world created by an insidious machine and powered by their own minds, what shall become of them, and the worlds they swore to protect?
Jemu: Great writing, BOS.
BOS: Thanks.
Jemu: I kinda noticed that last episode turned out not very SpaceBar-like.
BOS: More like Space-bashing, eh?
Jemu: You said it.
BOS: Mind if I ask a question?
Jemu: Go ahead.
BOS: Who's really in charge here, you or Evang?
Jemu: That's simple. Whose name appears below the title?
********************************************************
(Cue really cheesy 70s-80s music here. Screen goes black, music still playing, and some red kanji and katakana with white borders spell out the name of the next segment, which translates in English as "Transform! Beta Robo!")
Geryon: Shame on you, Beta Robo, having a hostage while fighting!
Rai: What are you talking about?
Rey: Yeah! We don't need no hostages to kick your stupid alien ass!
Roy: Uh, I think he means that girl we rescued from the crash site that is currently undergoing medical examination by Dr. H. back at the lab.
Geryon: Such cowardice! Holding my sister hostage to gain an advantage!
Rai: Roy! Why didn't you tell us anything?
Roy: I tried, honest! But then the attack siren went off, and we had to scramble in the Beta Units.
Roy: I was afraid of that. Things like that always happen in Getazinger XVI, right, Rai?
Geryon: What are you talking about? Take this! GENERIC MISSILES!!!
Rai: ACK!!!
Rey: Shoot them down, Roy!
Roy: Me? I'm in the legs, you fool, you have the weapons control!
Rey: Yeah, but I don't have the targeting computer!!
Roy: Rai, do something, before we all die!
Rai: OPEN WINDOW!!!
The caped figure of Beta Robo 0.1 disengaged into its component smaller robots and scattered to avoid the missiles.
Rey: Dammit, Rai, you nearly had us killed back there!
Rai: Sorry.
Roy: Save that for later! Quick, let's form Beta 0.2 and finish this! LET'S!!
Rai: JOIN!!!
Rey: IN!!!!!
The three smaller mecha join in mid-air amid flashy CG and effects. Beta Robo 0.2 emerges from the cloud of special effects, bristling with missiles and cannons of all shapes and sizes.
Rey: Our turn!
Roy: You said it! Locked on target!
Rai: OK! Beta Missile!
Rey: You idiot! Put more force into the attack, otherwise it won't hit!
Rai: Hai! BET-TAH... MISSILE!
Geryon: Imitating my moves! Such lack of originality deserves to be punished! MISSILE CUT-TAH!!!
Geryon's horned robot produces a huge sword and cuts the incoming missile in half, blowing it up in the usual anime fashion.
Rai: He cut the Beta Missile!
Roy: Let's see him cut this! Rey?
Rey: Power is full, let's get him!
Roy: Yossha! All guns, ready, BETA GUN... SHOOT!!!!!!!
Beta 0.2 levels all of its guns and launchers at Geryon's unit and fires them all. Streams of energy and deadly projectiles streak toward the surprised Neptunian invader's mecha.
Geryon: So many attacks coming in at once! I can't dodge them all! UWAAAHH!!
Geryon's unit crashes to earth, obliterating a patch of forest as it lands. Valiantly, it tries to stand up, but all it manages is to get up on one knee.
Geryon: Such immense attacking power! Could the evil Earthlings finally uncovered the- (Coughs blood and messes up his console really bad.)
Rai: We got him!
Rey: Now it's my turn!
Roy: Alright, you can finish this one off.
Geryon: Finish me off?!!!
Rey: Yup! Change Beta Version!!!
Once more, the three Beta Units disengage, reforming and resolving into the Beta Robot's third mode.
Geryon: Y- you can't finish me off! It's just our first meeting! It's not supposed to be like that!
Rey: Call it starting a new tradition!
Rai: Or maybe just call it your doom!!
Geryon: You musn't destroy me so soon! Who will you fight then? Huh?
Roy: Let's get this over with and make this guy say his death essay. Then we can go home and see if Dr. H. has put any clothes on that girl we rescued yet.
Geryon: WHAT!?
Rey: Sounds like a plan. (Maneuvers Beta 0.3 to face Geryon's unit squarely.) REY!!! BURNING FIRE!!!
A wide, transluscent, red beam of light emits from Beta 0.3's chest, striking Geryon's unit. Geryon's unit starts to change color from black to red, and when it was fully scarlet, the beam cut off.
Geryon: Huh? I'm still alive?!
Rey: You have ten seconds to say your last words, before your unit explodes.
Geryon: Oh, okay. Ahem, ahem. You might have defeated me, vile Earthlings, but know this-
Geryon's unit explodes at this point, eliciting a need for the 1980s stock enemy robot explosion scene. Beta 0.3 hovers in mid-air, watching the mushroom cloud dissipate.
Roy: I thought he had ten seconds.
Rey: I lied. So sue me.
Rai: Nah, let's just disengage and fly home. I wanna see that naked chick.
Rey: NO WAY!! We all know your own Beta Unit is faster than mine or Roy's!!
Roy: That's right! We'll go home together!!
Rai: This sucks.
********************************************
Jemu: This is what they're playing in your Armageddon Online game?
BOS: Yeah. So what do you think?
Jemu: It's cool. I think it's going to be hot. Well, got to go back to my research.
BOS: I'll give you safe insertion once you come back.
Jemu: Excellent, BOS. You the man!!!
BOS: Hah! I knew it! I'm a real boy!
********************************************
Public Advisory: For those not in the know, Rai is Kaji, Roy is Tsukumo, and Rey is, well, who's the only dead mecha otaku who'd put his name in his final attack's? Now, back to our show.
********************************************
Rai: Tadaima!
Roy: Hey Dr. H.! Where are you?
Rey: And where's the naked-
Roy claps a hand over Rey's mouth.
Rey: Mmmf mphruf- (Takes Roy's hand off.) What the hell is your problem, Roy?
Roy: If Dr. H. hears you say the "C" word, he might just be mean enough to hide her from us.
Rey: Come now, he can't be that bad. The "H" stands for Heaven, right?
Rai and Roy exchange exasperated looks.
Rey: Or maybe "hope!" Yes, that's it! Hope! Like, he's Earth's only hope against the evil Neptunians!
Rai: Duh! You don't see him risking his ass in the front line confronting the Neptunians head-on, he just stays here chasing bare ass!
Roy: Not so loud!
Dr. H. walks in through a pair of sliding doors. He's your typical super robot scientist, clad in the usual white lab coat, dark pants, black leather shoes, and he wears a monocle on his right eye. His white hair is done up in a style that could only be described as half-Einstein, half-Santa, minus the beard. As always, there is a look of perpetual absent-mindedness on his face.
Dr.: I see you made it back safely. Congratulations!
Rey: Say, Dr. H., where's the girl we rescued?
Dr.: Um, how do I say this, she's- Roy, Rai, why are you looking at me so strangely? Is there something on my face?
Roy: Well, there is some white substance around your lips.
Rai: And your zipper and belt buckle are undone.
Silence. Dr. H. refuses to meet the gaze of his pilots.
Rey: Dr. H., that's disgusting!
Rai: I knew I had you pegged for one from the very start.
Roy: Still, seeing the evidence firsthand is very unsettling.
Rey: I never thought you were one for looking at his own thingy when he's about to come while jacking off! It's a miracle you didn't get any on your eyes! Or your nose!
As one, Dr. H., Rai, and Roy crash to the floor, downed by the power of Rey's stupidity.
*********************************************************
BOS: I think they've suffered enough. I think I'll let them go now.
At this, Gai, Tsukumo, Kaji, and Evang materialize as if coming in from a Boson Jump.
BOS: Hey, where's Sada-chan?
Kaji: Dunno. I thought she was supposed to be the girl we rescued back there.
BOS: Supposedly. You haven't seen her face yet, have you?
Evang: It is impossible to rescue someone and take her back to your base without seeing what she looks like.
Gai: But if you look back, nowhere in the previous block of text could a description of her face be found. Or any other part of her anatomy, for that matter.
Sada-chan does her "crawl out of a monitor schtick" at this point in time, freaking out the four guys and the AI.
Sada-chan: Use your common sense, Gai. If you were naked, stark naked, would you have wanted the whole world to see what you looked like? Would you want to hear descriptions of your body whispered as you pass by?
Gai: A hero has nothing to be ashamed of!
Sada-chan: (Smiling an obviously fake smile.) Is a hero also modest and humble?
Gai: Of course! Um, ah, uh, wait, that is-
Gai faints from brain overheat, as his brain literally got thrown in for a loop.
Kaji: Taking a guy out by stopping his brain instead of his heart.
Tsukumo: That's a new direction for you, isn't it?
Sada-chan: You know how it is in the biz, you have to keep reinventing yourself to stay marketable.
Evang: Tough. So, what happens now, BOS?
BOS: How about we invite some NGE people, some FMP people, maybe some girls from Mahou Kishin Rayearth and St. Tail, and have a flower-viewing party?
Evang: What the hell kind of dippy idea is that?
Sada-chan: If you make me wear a pink wig and fake boobs, and make me chase cock I will kill you, BOS.
BOS: I'm a machine, Sada-chan. Your brain-freeze and heart attacks won't hurt me.
Sada-chan: Maybe not, but this will.
A well rises up from the ground beside her, and Sada-chan leans in, rummaging for something inside, unaware of her instant audience.
Kaji: 9 out of 10.
Evang: Grade A, prime meat.
Tsukumo: Guys, we really shouldn't be looking at Sada-chan's ass while she's bent over.
Sada-chan pulls out a big sledge hammer and her audience makes themselves immune to harm. That is, Evang teleports out of sight, Tsukumo Boson Jumps back to his apartment, and Kaji shoots himself in the head with his brand-new Hammerspace Pistol, sending himself back to his flat with a -1.1% to his Base Level Experience and his Job Level Exp. Satisfied that the jerks are gone, Sada-chan resumes her search.
Sada-chan: I assume you're getting this on camera from different angles to show later to those perverts?
BOS: You betcha.
Sada-chan: Figures. Just because I'm the only female on board, everything I do is recorded. Oh well, this ought to erase all traces of that. (Holding what appears to be a bomb of sorts.)
BOS: You got complaints, talk to Jemu. And what's that? C4? Pipebomb?
Sada-chan: Nope. It's Big MF Choudenji Bomb. (Smiles evilly.)
BOS: NO!!! Not that!!! Anything but that!!!
One scrambled AI later, Sada-chan surprises Jemu by coming out of his computer screen and dropping into his lap. On reflex, Jemu hits Alt+F4, and curses upon realizing that he hadn't bookmarked the Rorikon page he'd been searching all of cyberspace for. All that stops though, as he takes a surroundings check, noticing that Sada-chan is in his lap and poking his chest, trying to get his attention.
Jemu: Could you please not do that? I almost had a heart attack.
Sada-chan: Sorry.
They sat like that for a while, with Sada-chan wriggling a little in Jemu's lap, looking for a more comfortable position.
Sada-chan: This is weird.
Jemu: Eh?
Sada-chan: Aren't you men supposed to get a woody when you find yourselves in this predicament?
Jemu: Oh, that? Self-preservation. If I get a woody because you're sitting in my lap, would you try to stop one or more of my body processes?
Sada-chan: How did you know?
Jemu: This is my ship/space station/sleazy pub, remember? Being a minor techno-fiend does have some advantages. That was a mean thing to do, by the way.
Sada-chan: Gai?
Jemu: No. BOS. Choudenji Bomb? To me it felt like someone lit a bottle rocket and put it under my chair.
Sada-chan: How big a bottle rocket?
Jemu: One the size of my fist.
Sada: Oh. Sorry. It couldn't be helped. BOS was recording my ass for posterity, in case you didn't know - you did, didn't you?
Jemu: Can I answer that without dying?
Sada: I ought to freeze your blood.
Jemu: But you won't, right?
Sada: What makes you so sure, buster?
Jemu: The fact that your sitting in my lap is probably your way of cozying up to me because you want to ask me a favor.
Sada: (Managing to look hurt.) How low do you think of me! Did it ever occur to you that maybe I'm in your lap right now because I want to?
Jemu: (Breathing a resigned sigh.) It's alright, Sada. You don't have to go through all this pretense. I've been subjected to it a zillion times over back in high school, making me something of a pro. I've accepted it as a fact of life: if they're not family or friends, females are nice to me only because I'm useful. Always has been that way.
Gently, Jemu lifts Sada out of his lap and sets her feet on the floor.
Jemu: Just tell me what your request is, and if it's within my ability, I'll try to provide it. Don't expect miracles, though.
Sada: I'm sorry. Look, if you really don't want to do it I-
Jemu: You what? Could turn to Evang for help? Be my guest.
Sada: I've offended you, haven't I?
Jemu: (To no one in particular.) There's nothing more annoying than people who ask for help from me and later say that they don't need it-
Sada: I didn't say that!
Jemu: (In full soliloquy mode now.) I mean, if they wanted my help so bad, they should have known what to expect from me, right? But no, they go nattering about my attitude and how I sound like I just do things grudgingly, and that pisses me off, you know?
Sada: Jemu...
Jemu: Like, look, it's a door mat! It's used to being used without being thought of, to being taken for granted! So go and take advantage of it already! I mean, a yes is a yes, anyway you look at it!
Sada: It's exactly because of your stupid attitude that I'm not asking you for it anymore! Now that I know how you feel about doing things for others, I wanted to let you know that I don't want you to feel used by me as well!
Sada summons a well, and with a last withering look at Jemu, disappears into it. The well sinks back into the floor, leaving him alone with the silence.
Jemu: And I never got to find out what it was she wanted. Huh. Why do I even bother? She said she was doing me a favor by not asking for one. Okay by me. I like favors as much as the next guy. So what the hell is wrong with this picture?
Silence: I got no answer for you, bub.
Jemu: Just as I suspected.
Silence: You want some advice? Lose the "woe-is-me-I-am-a-loser" attitude. It gets pretty boring very quickly. And if you're boring, you don't get any chicks that way.
Jemu: For an abstract concept that more often than not doesn't exist, you seem to know a lot.
Silence: I've seen it all, kid. Been around since the beginning of this universe, hell, even before the gods themselves.
Jemu: Really? It's 'gods' as in the plural?
Silence: I really should have kept my mouth shut. But I can't help it when I see a guy make a horse's behind of himself.
Jemu: ...I did, didn't I? (Laughs mirthlessly.) So, how do I make up for it?
Silence was back in his quiet, unassuming, cool guy mode.
Jemu: How about that? Damn. Might as well get back to work reviving BOS before the hammerspace portals notice his absence and hold one hell of a party.
*****************************************************************
Sada walked into the Main Lounge, which is empty except for Evang. Upon catching sight of her, he prepared to teleport away, but something in the way Sada looked like stopped him. She approached him, her eyes thanking him for not leaving her alone.
"You look like you could use a drink. And a pair of ears."
"Sake."
Producing a jar of the stuff and two cups, Evang asked, "So, what's eating at you? If it's not to much to ask, that is."
She poured herself some sake and said, "Has Jemu always been like that?"
"Like what? Perverted? No. No one's born that way. I think."
"Not that. I meant in being a martyr. Like every favor asked of him is another load of straw on his back."
"Jemu? A martyr? Nah. Can't be the same guy I know."
"..."
"I mean, he looks out for himself first, always asks what's in it for me, that's not what you'd call martyr material, right?"
"No." She took a swallow of the sake.
"We're alike in that way, Jemu and I. And in other ways as well."
"You mean you're both rorikons?"
"One of us is always supposed to be rorikon. The other is a- well, we're not here to talk about me, we're here to talk about you. What's the matter? You fight with him or something?"
"Or something."
"Ah."
"You want to know? I wanted to ask him if I could have- if we could have some more female presence in here, seeing as I'm the only female in residence. I asked him because he's the custodian of the SpaceBar."
"That's not exactly true. Fujieda Ayame's supposed to move in here the last time I checked."
"But she's from a series!"
"So?"
"I want someone who's a spoof of someone or something well-known!"
"Sada, you're from a series as well."
"I'm not from any anime."
"Yet."
"Ever."
"Okay. So you want a female non-anime spoof here? Kind of a tall order, wouldn't you say? Let's see your qualities first. You're a direct mock-up of a female vengeful spirit that cares for nothing but death, death, and more death."
"So?"
"So, who would you consider to be equal in or of greater status to you? Do we even know, we as in Jemu and I, and perhaps you, of anyone suitable enough to be a stay-in in the SpaceBar? We can't just accept anyone, you know."
"I didn't know there was a criterion involved."
"There is. They have to be either dead, mythical and/or fantastic, and must not have tendencies to destroy the SpaceBar itself, because if the SpaceBar goes down, we all go poof."
"... I see."
"Let's stick with the horror/ghost story genre for starters, shall we? Like the one where you came from."
"O-kay."
"Snow fairies? Possible, but Nube already has one for a wife, so that takes away that option. Besides, where are we going to put a mountain in here?"
Sada laughed. "You're right, it is ridiculous."
"Let's continue. Cat-girls? Fox-girls? Etc.? Done to death in anime. And that's a no-go for you, right? So we move on. But I gotta tell you, I'm running out of ideas."
"How about games? Games that haven't been made into anime or manga, that is."
"That, my ghostly friend, borders on copyright infringement."
"And my existence here doesn't? Just by adding a suffix to my name, it's gone like that?"
"See, you're a legend of sorts in your home country. Legends don't have copyrights and royalties attached to them."
"So recruit a legend or ghost from your home country."
"Now there's a capital idea! Should I go for an aswang? Nah, too gruesome. White / black ladies? We already have you, so that's kinda redundant, isn't it?"
"Snake ladies."
"You mean like Kanzaki Sumire?"
***********************************
Elsewhere...
"KA-CHOOO!!!"
Tachibana Maria looked at her friend. "Sumire-kun, are you alright?"
"Hai! It's just this old powdered wig!"
"Better compose yourself. You're next. Kohran's building up the crowd for you and she's almost done."
"I am Teito's top star!!! I will sweep them of their feet, with or without building up! Just watch me!!!"
***********************************
"Sorry. Couldn't help myself. You mean nagas?"
"Yes. I think I can tolerate the ones with big boobs and long tails, but not the ones with big boobs and long hair and longer legs."
***********************************
In the Slayers Sector...
"AH-CHOO!!!"
Lina sidled away to the other end of the couch. "Look, if you're coming down with something, don't give it to me, okay? I have a date with Gourry tomorrow."
Naga sniffed as delicately as she could, but still, her breasts moved with her intake of breath. "I think I caught it from that cute, sweet-looking Hunter kid. You know, the one who gets REALLY HUGE when you show him a little magic?" Naga winked lasciviously, and laughed, "OHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOH!!!"
***********************************
"Wouldn't you consider-?"
"No. Besides, she's alive and she's anime."
"Damn. I liked her."
"You would."
"Except that laugh. Ugh! That laugh has to go!"
"So, any other horrors or spirits you think I'll get along with?"
"No. This is what happens, I guess, when you've been under direct foreign rule for over three hundred-fifty years and been under economic slavery afterward. The interesting folk move away or vanish."
"Back to bird maidens or snake ladies, I guess."
"I've seen a hentai flick of a blonde guy who keeps a redhead bird maiden, a blonde cat-girl and black-haired rorikon-bait as sex slaves."
"Argh, alright, just snake ladies then. But we have to make her not go around topless, otherwise some Korean artist will sue."
"If we keep her topless, do you think we guys will be able to walk around here? And he can't sue if we change her hair and scale color. It's not like he invented the naga, it's been around for almost forever. Give me some credit, will you?"
"Okay, I'll give you some credit. Just make sure she's not blue-haired."
"What, you're biased against blue hair as well? Is there no end to your restrictions, woman?"
"Aho! If we introduced a blue-haired naga in a bikini top, CRAPCOM might just sue!"
"I see your point. So what color do you suggest? We can't go with shades of pink and you don't like blue, what does that leave us with? Blonde?" Exasperated, Evang pours himself some sake and takes a sip, making a face as he put the cup down.
"What's wrong? Can't stand alcohol?"
"That, plus the sake's gone warm."
"That's the great thing about sake, you can have it warm or cold, and it still tastes great."
"We were talking about your preference in color, right?"
"Um, gimme a sec. Well, we also have to make her hair longer. The Nabiki Tendo hairdo is a little to close for comfort."
"Okay. We're trying for a long-haired, decently-clad naga now."
"You make it sound impossible."
Gai, Kaji, and Tsukumo decide to respawn at this time. "What's impossible?" Kaji asked.
"Nothing's impossible. Especially where we are right now," Evang replied.
"So what are you having a discussion on?" Tsukumo asked.
"Well," Evang began, "Sada-chan's been asking for another female on board, and I'd appreciate your opinions..."
********************************************
One and half hour later...
Evang: Let's take this from the top. Our newest member...
Sada: Is going to be a blonde naga...
Gai: With a burning sense of justice!!!
Tsukumo: Approachable most of the time...
Kaji: And knows her way around machinery.
Evang: Huh? Where did that come from?
Kaji: Come on! I mean, you can't keep borrowing Uri-P forever 'cause he's got a family of his own, and you won't trust NERV to mess around with this place-
Evang: Would you?
Kaji: And as far as I know, we don't have the cash to have Astonage or Ms. Purpleton on call 24-7.
Sada: A female naga mechanic?
Gai: Don't forget the blonde, nekketsu part.
Tsukumo: How are you going to explain that away, Kaji?
Kaji: Who needs explanations around here? Look, being half snake is better for a mechanic.
Evang: And this is because?
Kaji: See, if she's part constrictor, she can climb mecha and hang from weird angles without the need for too much scaffolding and other stuff.
Evang: Hmmm...
Tsukumo: And I want to add another trait: tinker-crazy.
Sada: With a burning sense of justice? That could be weird, you know.
Evang: Weird being a euphemism for crazy? I have to agree.
Sada: This is going nowhere.
[Jemu enters from right of stage.]
Jemu: There's an easier solution to all of this, y'know.
Gai: To all of what?
Jemu: Let's just insert some copyrighted, trademarked characters in without prior consultation of the owners. I mean, hell, who reads the SpaceBar series anyway? Who even visits the section where this series is stored? It's not like the copyright police are going to be snooping around, anyway.
Kaji: Yeah. No one is watching, not even George's big brother. And Gendo Ikari.
Evang: You heard all of this conversation via our rudimentary mind-link?
Jemu: Some. Not all of it. BOS helped a lot- he's not 100% on-line yet, but he still works. He still can't make contributions to our dialogs, though.
Tsukumo: So, who are we going to call?
Jemu: Ghost-blasters? No, seriously, I thought I'll try Dairy House first. There's a real man-eater that I think will blend in nicely here.
A trans-reality phone handset and an accompanying directory materialize, floating in mid-air. Jemu flips through the Pastel Pages, skims a line with his fingertip, then proceeds to dial.
Jemu: Hello? Dairy House? My name is Jemu Nekketsu. I run a production company, Spacebar Inc., and I was wondering if you still have one of your game characters on retainer. [Pause.] She's from Night-time Apparitions, long, white hair, killer smile and body. Literally. No preferences to the gender of her 'victims.' [Pause.] Yes, I'll wait. (Grins at everyone in the bar and shows them his crossed fingers.) Yes? That's wonderful! Just great. [Pause.] Transportation's not a problem, the reception party will take more planning- [Pause.] Aahhh. Ok, no WWII memorabilia. Shouldn't be a problem, I'm not a military otaku or a history buff. Thanks. Good day to you. (Phone and directory vanish.)
Kaji: Well? It sounded like it went well, so give us the details.
Gai: Will we have a party?
Evang: Not with this much people, we won't. (Directs a speaking glance at Jemu.)
Jemu: Don't worry. (Summons the trans-reality phone again and speed dials.) BAMPRESTO HR Department? I'd like to inquire if you can lease me some of your Originals. No, not the mecha, the pilots. [Pause.] No, I don't want Shirakawa Shu, even if he comes with Saphine Grace. And I don't give a toss about Princess Monica, I don't think she'll like this party either. Besides, just those three will bust my budget. [Pause.] Maybe Axel and Lamia, pilots, not mecha? [Pause.] Well, can I have the number for the Shadow Mirror Division? [Pause.] BAMPRESTO mirror site. Haha. I get the joke. It's at www.BAMPRESTO/mirror/main.htm, did I get it right? Okay. Thanks. (Pockets the phone and faces his companions.) Looks like I'll be navigating some cyberspace for a while. Evang, you take helm- wait, while you're at it, see what you can read up on succubi and their kind and how to keep them under control.
Evang: Okay. It should be in The Book. I need an excuse to start reading again, anyway. My Mastery Examination is coming up.
Gai: I want to play Armageddon again!
Kaji: Me too. I need to recover the experience point that I lost.
Sada: Didn't you hear what he said? BOS, ergo, the server, is still down.
Tsukumo: No thanks to you. I'll just burn some phone lines talking to Minato and Yukina. Later, people.
Jemu, Evang, and Tsukumo exit, leaving Kaji, Gai and Sada in the Main Lounge.
Kaji: At least the Wreck Room is still functional. How about a game of King of Robots 2003, Gai? You use Gekiganger V and Gekiganger 3, while I'll juts use Chodenji Senshi Volbattler X.
Gai: Hah! You'll never win! Bring it on! I'll show you the real Double Gekigan Flare!!
The two head for the Wreck Room trading jibes about the other's fighting style, and once again Sada finds herself by her lonesome.
Sada: I'm getting real tired of this. (Sighs.) Oh, well. (One appears, and she steps into it, placing a "DO NOT DISTURB UNTIL NEXT EPISODE' sign on the well's lip.
by Jemu Nekketsu
*STANDARD DISCLAIMERS APPLY*
EPISODE 2: Tyrant's End
BOS: Hahahahahahahahaha!!! I'm back!!! And I bring with me the instrument of destruction!!! Tremble, mortals!!!
Evang: What the devil are you screaming about!? It's friggin' 12 midnight, for crying out loud!!!
Sada-chan: Can't a dead psionic psycopath rest in peace around here?
BOS: Hah! My first victims!
Evang: Oro?
Sada-chan: I thought you hated that word!
Evang: I only hate it when it's used to death by trying-hard otaku. But it seems appropriate in this instance, right?
BOS: I shall now say the words of power that will bring you to your knees and turn you into my thralls!!!
Sada-chan: Abracadabra?
Evang: Hocus pocus?
Gai, Kaji, and Tsukumo walk in, and are curious to find out what Sada-chan and Evang are mouthing incantations for.
Kaji: At least it's not Aramaic.
Tsukumo: Nope, not Aramaic.
Gai: Eh? What's Aramaic?
BOS: Hahaha!!! Fresh meat!!!
Gai: Aramaic means fresh meat?
Evang: I know! Open sesame!
Kaji: What are you two doing?
Sada-chan: We're trying to guess what BOS's so-called words of power are, so we can counter them.
Gai: Let me try! How about, "OPEN GATE!!"
BOS: No.
Kaji: Try it backwards!!!
Gai: OK!!! GATE OPEN!!!
BOS: No.
Gai: Damn! Maybe he wants it formal-like?
Tsukumo: Very well. OPEN THE GATE!!!
BOS: I've had it with this farce!!!
With that, multiple viewscreens appeared around the humans, caging them.
BOS: MASSIVE MULTIPLAYER ONLINE GAME!!! HAHAHAHAHA! Roll your saving throws, kiddies!
The humans took 20-sided dice from their pockets, and each of them rolled once. As luck would have it, none of them rolled higher than a ten, except for Evang, who got a 12. Unfortunately, Evang had a -4 penalty to Willpower saves, and ends up with a measly 8.
BOS: AHAHAHAHAHAH!!! Ladies and gentlemen, I give you...
(Text appearing in striking font across each viewscreen: ARMAGEDDON ON-LINE.)
The fellowship had failed. All had succumbed to the lure of the MMOG AOL which BOS had unleashed on them. Now, trapped in an imaginary world created by an insidious machine and powered by their own minds, what shall become of them, and the worlds they swore to protect?
Jemu: Great writing, BOS.
BOS: Thanks.
Jemu: I kinda noticed that last episode turned out not very SpaceBar-like.
BOS: More like Space-bashing, eh?
Jemu: You said it.
BOS: Mind if I ask a question?
Jemu: Go ahead.
BOS: Who's really in charge here, you or Evang?
Jemu: That's simple. Whose name appears below the title?
********************************************************
(Cue really cheesy 70s-80s music here. Screen goes black, music still playing, and some red kanji and katakana with white borders spell out the name of the next segment, which translates in English as "Transform! Beta Robo!")
Geryon: Shame on you, Beta Robo, having a hostage while fighting!
Rai: What are you talking about?
Rey: Yeah! We don't need no hostages to kick your stupid alien ass!
Roy: Uh, I think he means that girl we rescued from the crash site that is currently undergoing medical examination by Dr. H. back at the lab.
Geryon: Such cowardice! Holding my sister hostage to gain an advantage!
Rai: Roy! Why didn't you tell us anything?
Roy: I tried, honest! But then the attack siren went off, and we had to scramble in the Beta Units.
Roy: I was afraid of that. Things like that always happen in Getazinger XVI, right, Rai?
Geryon: What are you talking about? Take this! GENERIC MISSILES!!!
Rai: ACK!!!
Rey: Shoot them down, Roy!
Roy: Me? I'm in the legs, you fool, you have the weapons control!
Rey: Yeah, but I don't have the targeting computer!!
Roy: Rai, do something, before we all die!
Rai: OPEN WINDOW!!!
The caped figure of Beta Robo 0.1 disengaged into its component smaller robots and scattered to avoid the missiles.
Rey: Dammit, Rai, you nearly had us killed back there!
Rai: Sorry.
Roy: Save that for later! Quick, let's form Beta 0.2 and finish this! LET'S!!
Rai: JOIN!!!
Rey: IN!!!!!
The three smaller mecha join in mid-air amid flashy CG and effects. Beta Robo 0.2 emerges from the cloud of special effects, bristling with missiles and cannons of all shapes and sizes.
Rey: Our turn!
Roy: You said it! Locked on target!
Rai: OK! Beta Missile!
Rey: You idiot! Put more force into the attack, otherwise it won't hit!
Rai: Hai! BET-TAH... MISSILE!
Geryon: Imitating my moves! Such lack of originality deserves to be punished! MISSILE CUT-TAH!!!
Geryon's horned robot produces a huge sword and cuts the incoming missile in half, blowing it up in the usual anime fashion.
Rai: He cut the Beta Missile!
Roy: Let's see him cut this! Rey?
Rey: Power is full, let's get him!
Roy: Yossha! All guns, ready, BETA GUN... SHOOT!!!!!!!
Beta 0.2 levels all of its guns and launchers at Geryon's unit and fires them all. Streams of energy and deadly projectiles streak toward the surprised Neptunian invader's mecha.
Geryon: So many attacks coming in at once! I can't dodge them all! UWAAAHH!!
Geryon's unit crashes to earth, obliterating a patch of forest as it lands. Valiantly, it tries to stand up, but all it manages is to get up on one knee.
Geryon: Such immense attacking power! Could the evil Earthlings finally uncovered the- (Coughs blood and messes up his console really bad.)
Rai: We got him!
Rey: Now it's my turn!
Roy: Alright, you can finish this one off.
Geryon: Finish me off?!!!
Rey: Yup! Change Beta Version!!!
Once more, the three Beta Units disengage, reforming and resolving into the Beta Robot's third mode.
Geryon: Y- you can't finish me off! It's just our first meeting! It's not supposed to be like that!
Rey: Call it starting a new tradition!
Rai: Or maybe just call it your doom!!
Geryon: You musn't destroy me so soon! Who will you fight then? Huh?
Roy: Let's get this over with and make this guy say his death essay. Then we can go home and see if Dr. H. has put any clothes on that girl we rescued yet.
Geryon: WHAT!?
Rey: Sounds like a plan. (Maneuvers Beta 0.3 to face Geryon's unit squarely.) REY!!! BURNING FIRE!!!
A wide, transluscent, red beam of light emits from Beta 0.3's chest, striking Geryon's unit. Geryon's unit starts to change color from black to red, and when it was fully scarlet, the beam cut off.
Geryon: Huh? I'm still alive?!
Rey: You have ten seconds to say your last words, before your unit explodes.
Geryon: Oh, okay. Ahem, ahem. You might have defeated me, vile Earthlings, but know this-
Geryon's unit explodes at this point, eliciting a need for the 1980s stock enemy robot explosion scene. Beta 0.3 hovers in mid-air, watching the mushroom cloud dissipate.
Roy: I thought he had ten seconds.
Rey: I lied. So sue me.
Rai: Nah, let's just disengage and fly home. I wanna see that naked chick.
Rey: NO WAY!! We all know your own Beta Unit is faster than mine or Roy's!!
Roy: That's right! We'll go home together!!
Rai: This sucks.
********************************************
Jemu: This is what they're playing in your Armageddon Online game?
BOS: Yeah. So what do you think?
Jemu: It's cool. I think it's going to be hot. Well, got to go back to my research.
BOS: I'll give you safe insertion once you come back.
Jemu: Excellent, BOS. You the man!!!
BOS: Hah! I knew it! I'm a real boy!
********************************************
Public Advisory: For those not in the know, Rai is Kaji, Roy is Tsukumo, and Rey is, well, who's the only dead mecha otaku who'd put his name in his final attack's? Now, back to our show.
********************************************
Rai: Tadaima!
Roy: Hey Dr. H.! Where are you?
Rey: And where's the naked-
Roy claps a hand over Rey's mouth.
Rey: Mmmf mphruf- (Takes Roy's hand off.) What the hell is your problem, Roy?
Roy: If Dr. H. hears you say the "C" word, he might just be mean enough to hide her from us.
Rey: Come now, he can't be that bad. The "H" stands for Heaven, right?
Rai and Roy exchange exasperated looks.
Rey: Or maybe "hope!" Yes, that's it! Hope! Like, he's Earth's only hope against the evil Neptunians!
Rai: Duh! You don't see him risking his ass in the front line confronting the Neptunians head-on, he just stays here chasing bare ass!
Roy: Not so loud!
Dr. H. walks in through a pair of sliding doors. He's your typical super robot scientist, clad in the usual white lab coat, dark pants, black leather shoes, and he wears a monocle on his right eye. His white hair is done up in a style that could only be described as half-Einstein, half-Santa, minus the beard. As always, there is a look of perpetual absent-mindedness on his face.
Dr.: I see you made it back safely. Congratulations!
Rey: Say, Dr. H., where's the girl we rescued?
Dr.: Um, how do I say this, she's- Roy, Rai, why are you looking at me so strangely? Is there something on my face?
Roy: Well, there is some white substance around your lips.
Rai: And your zipper and belt buckle are undone.
Silence. Dr. H. refuses to meet the gaze of his pilots.
Rey: Dr. H., that's disgusting!
Rai: I knew I had you pegged for one from the very start.
Roy: Still, seeing the evidence firsthand is very unsettling.
Rey: I never thought you were one for looking at his own thingy when he's about to come while jacking off! It's a miracle you didn't get any on your eyes! Or your nose!
As one, Dr. H., Rai, and Roy crash to the floor, downed by the power of Rey's stupidity.
*********************************************************
BOS: I think they've suffered enough. I think I'll let them go now.
At this, Gai, Tsukumo, Kaji, and Evang materialize as if coming in from a Boson Jump.
BOS: Hey, where's Sada-chan?
Kaji: Dunno. I thought she was supposed to be the girl we rescued back there.
BOS: Supposedly. You haven't seen her face yet, have you?
Evang: It is impossible to rescue someone and take her back to your base without seeing what she looks like.
Gai: But if you look back, nowhere in the previous block of text could a description of her face be found. Or any other part of her anatomy, for that matter.
Sada-chan does her "crawl out of a monitor schtick" at this point in time, freaking out the four guys and the AI.
Sada-chan: Use your common sense, Gai. If you were naked, stark naked, would you have wanted the whole world to see what you looked like? Would you want to hear descriptions of your body whispered as you pass by?
Gai: A hero has nothing to be ashamed of!
Sada-chan: (Smiling an obviously fake smile.) Is a hero also modest and humble?
Gai: Of course! Um, ah, uh, wait, that is-
Gai faints from brain overheat, as his brain literally got thrown in for a loop.
Kaji: Taking a guy out by stopping his brain instead of his heart.
Tsukumo: That's a new direction for you, isn't it?
Sada-chan: You know how it is in the biz, you have to keep reinventing yourself to stay marketable.
Evang: Tough. So, what happens now, BOS?
BOS: How about we invite some NGE people, some FMP people, maybe some girls from Mahou Kishin Rayearth and St. Tail, and have a flower-viewing party?
Evang: What the hell kind of dippy idea is that?
Sada-chan: If you make me wear a pink wig and fake boobs, and make me chase cock I will kill you, BOS.
BOS: I'm a machine, Sada-chan. Your brain-freeze and heart attacks won't hurt me.
Sada-chan: Maybe not, but this will.
A well rises up from the ground beside her, and Sada-chan leans in, rummaging for something inside, unaware of her instant audience.
Kaji: 9 out of 10.
Evang: Grade A, prime meat.
Tsukumo: Guys, we really shouldn't be looking at Sada-chan's ass while she's bent over.
Sada-chan pulls out a big sledge hammer and her audience makes themselves immune to harm. That is, Evang teleports out of sight, Tsukumo Boson Jumps back to his apartment, and Kaji shoots himself in the head with his brand-new Hammerspace Pistol, sending himself back to his flat with a -1.1% to his Base Level Experience and his Job Level Exp. Satisfied that the jerks are gone, Sada-chan resumes her search.
Sada-chan: I assume you're getting this on camera from different angles to show later to those perverts?
BOS: You betcha.
Sada-chan: Figures. Just because I'm the only female on board, everything I do is recorded. Oh well, this ought to erase all traces of that. (Holding what appears to be a bomb of sorts.)
BOS: You got complaints, talk to Jemu. And what's that? C4? Pipebomb?
Sada-chan: Nope. It's Big MF Choudenji Bomb. (Smiles evilly.)
BOS: NO!!! Not that!!! Anything but that!!!
One scrambled AI later, Sada-chan surprises Jemu by coming out of his computer screen and dropping into his lap. On reflex, Jemu hits Alt+F4, and curses upon realizing that he hadn't bookmarked the Rorikon page he'd been searching all of cyberspace for. All that stops though, as he takes a surroundings check, noticing that Sada-chan is in his lap and poking his chest, trying to get his attention.
Jemu: Could you please not do that? I almost had a heart attack.
Sada-chan: Sorry.
They sat like that for a while, with Sada-chan wriggling a little in Jemu's lap, looking for a more comfortable position.
Sada-chan: This is weird.
Jemu: Eh?
Sada-chan: Aren't you men supposed to get a woody when you find yourselves in this predicament?
Jemu: Oh, that? Self-preservation. If I get a woody because you're sitting in my lap, would you try to stop one or more of my body processes?
Sada-chan: How did you know?
Jemu: This is my ship/space station/sleazy pub, remember? Being a minor techno-fiend does have some advantages. That was a mean thing to do, by the way.
Sada-chan: Gai?
Jemu: No. BOS. Choudenji Bomb? To me it felt like someone lit a bottle rocket and put it under my chair.
Sada-chan: How big a bottle rocket?
Jemu: One the size of my fist.
Sada: Oh. Sorry. It couldn't be helped. BOS was recording my ass for posterity, in case you didn't know - you did, didn't you?
Jemu: Can I answer that without dying?
Sada: I ought to freeze your blood.
Jemu: But you won't, right?
Sada: What makes you so sure, buster?
Jemu: The fact that your sitting in my lap is probably your way of cozying up to me because you want to ask me a favor.
Sada: (Managing to look hurt.) How low do you think of me! Did it ever occur to you that maybe I'm in your lap right now because I want to?
Jemu: (Breathing a resigned sigh.) It's alright, Sada. You don't have to go through all this pretense. I've been subjected to it a zillion times over back in high school, making me something of a pro. I've accepted it as a fact of life: if they're not family or friends, females are nice to me only because I'm useful. Always has been that way.
Gently, Jemu lifts Sada out of his lap and sets her feet on the floor.
Jemu: Just tell me what your request is, and if it's within my ability, I'll try to provide it. Don't expect miracles, though.
Sada: I'm sorry. Look, if you really don't want to do it I-
Jemu: You what? Could turn to Evang for help? Be my guest.
Sada: I've offended you, haven't I?
Jemu: (To no one in particular.) There's nothing more annoying than people who ask for help from me and later say that they don't need it-
Sada: I didn't say that!
Jemu: (In full soliloquy mode now.) I mean, if they wanted my help so bad, they should have known what to expect from me, right? But no, they go nattering about my attitude and how I sound like I just do things grudgingly, and that pisses me off, you know?
Sada: Jemu...
Jemu: Like, look, it's a door mat! It's used to being used without being thought of, to being taken for granted! So go and take advantage of it already! I mean, a yes is a yes, anyway you look at it!
Sada: It's exactly because of your stupid attitude that I'm not asking you for it anymore! Now that I know how you feel about doing things for others, I wanted to let you know that I don't want you to feel used by me as well!
Sada summons a well, and with a last withering look at Jemu, disappears into it. The well sinks back into the floor, leaving him alone with the silence.
Jemu: And I never got to find out what it was she wanted. Huh. Why do I even bother? She said she was doing me a favor by not asking for one. Okay by me. I like favors as much as the next guy. So what the hell is wrong with this picture?
Silence: I got no answer for you, bub.
Jemu: Just as I suspected.
Silence: You want some advice? Lose the "woe-is-me-I-am-a-loser" attitude. It gets pretty boring very quickly. And if you're boring, you don't get any chicks that way.
Jemu: For an abstract concept that more often than not doesn't exist, you seem to know a lot.
Silence: I've seen it all, kid. Been around since the beginning of this universe, hell, even before the gods themselves.
Jemu: Really? It's 'gods' as in the plural?
Silence: I really should have kept my mouth shut. But I can't help it when I see a guy make a horse's behind of himself.
Jemu: ...I did, didn't I? (Laughs mirthlessly.) So, how do I make up for it?
Silence was back in his quiet, unassuming, cool guy mode.
Jemu: How about that? Damn. Might as well get back to work reviving BOS before the hammerspace portals notice his absence and hold one hell of a party.
*****************************************************************
Sada walked into the Main Lounge, which is empty except for Evang. Upon catching sight of her, he prepared to teleport away, but something in the way Sada looked like stopped him. She approached him, her eyes thanking him for not leaving her alone.
"You look like you could use a drink. And a pair of ears."
"Sake."
Producing a jar of the stuff and two cups, Evang asked, "So, what's eating at you? If it's not to much to ask, that is."
She poured herself some sake and said, "Has Jemu always been like that?"
"Like what? Perverted? No. No one's born that way. I think."
"Not that. I meant in being a martyr. Like every favor asked of him is another load of straw on his back."
"Jemu? A martyr? Nah. Can't be the same guy I know."
"..."
"I mean, he looks out for himself first, always asks what's in it for me, that's not what you'd call martyr material, right?"
"No." She took a swallow of the sake.
"We're alike in that way, Jemu and I. And in other ways as well."
"You mean you're both rorikons?"
"One of us is always supposed to be rorikon. The other is a- well, we're not here to talk about me, we're here to talk about you. What's the matter? You fight with him or something?"
"Or something."
"Ah."
"You want to know? I wanted to ask him if I could have- if we could have some more female presence in here, seeing as I'm the only female in residence. I asked him because he's the custodian of the SpaceBar."
"That's not exactly true. Fujieda Ayame's supposed to move in here the last time I checked."
"But she's from a series!"
"So?"
"I want someone who's a spoof of someone or something well-known!"
"Sada, you're from a series as well."
"I'm not from any anime."
"Yet."
"Ever."
"Okay. So you want a female non-anime spoof here? Kind of a tall order, wouldn't you say? Let's see your qualities first. You're a direct mock-up of a female vengeful spirit that cares for nothing but death, death, and more death."
"So?"
"So, who would you consider to be equal in or of greater status to you? Do we even know, we as in Jemu and I, and perhaps you, of anyone suitable enough to be a stay-in in the SpaceBar? We can't just accept anyone, you know."
"I didn't know there was a criterion involved."
"There is. They have to be either dead, mythical and/or fantastic, and must not have tendencies to destroy the SpaceBar itself, because if the SpaceBar goes down, we all go poof."
"... I see."
"Let's stick with the horror/ghost story genre for starters, shall we? Like the one where you came from."
"O-kay."
"Snow fairies? Possible, but Nube already has one for a wife, so that takes away that option. Besides, where are we going to put a mountain in here?"
Sada laughed. "You're right, it is ridiculous."
"Let's continue. Cat-girls? Fox-girls? Etc.? Done to death in anime. And that's a no-go for you, right? So we move on. But I gotta tell you, I'm running out of ideas."
"How about games? Games that haven't been made into anime or manga, that is."
"That, my ghostly friend, borders on copyright infringement."
"And my existence here doesn't? Just by adding a suffix to my name, it's gone like that?"
"See, you're a legend of sorts in your home country. Legends don't have copyrights and royalties attached to them."
"So recruit a legend or ghost from your home country."
"Now there's a capital idea! Should I go for an aswang? Nah, too gruesome. White / black ladies? We already have you, so that's kinda redundant, isn't it?"
"Snake ladies."
"You mean like Kanzaki Sumire?"
***********************************
Elsewhere...
"KA-CHOOO!!!"
Tachibana Maria looked at her friend. "Sumire-kun, are you alright?"
"Hai! It's just this old powdered wig!"
"Better compose yourself. You're next. Kohran's building up the crowd for you and she's almost done."
"I am Teito's top star!!! I will sweep them of their feet, with or without building up! Just watch me!!!"
***********************************
"Sorry. Couldn't help myself. You mean nagas?"
"Yes. I think I can tolerate the ones with big boobs and long tails, but not the ones with big boobs and long hair and longer legs."
***********************************
In the Slayers Sector...
"AH-CHOO!!!"
Lina sidled away to the other end of the couch. "Look, if you're coming down with something, don't give it to me, okay? I have a date with Gourry tomorrow."
Naga sniffed as delicately as she could, but still, her breasts moved with her intake of breath. "I think I caught it from that cute, sweet-looking Hunter kid. You know, the one who gets REALLY HUGE when you show him a little magic?" Naga winked lasciviously, and laughed, "OHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOH!!!"
***********************************
"Wouldn't you consider-?"
"No. Besides, she's alive and she's anime."
"Damn. I liked her."
"You would."
"Except that laugh. Ugh! That laugh has to go!"
"So, any other horrors or spirits you think I'll get along with?"
"No. This is what happens, I guess, when you've been under direct foreign rule for over three hundred-fifty years and been under economic slavery afterward. The interesting folk move away or vanish."
"Back to bird maidens or snake ladies, I guess."
"I've seen a hentai flick of a blonde guy who keeps a redhead bird maiden, a blonde cat-girl and black-haired rorikon-bait as sex slaves."
"Argh, alright, just snake ladies then. But we have to make her not go around topless, otherwise some Korean artist will sue."
"If we keep her topless, do you think we guys will be able to walk around here? And he can't sue if we change her hair and scale color. It's not like he invented the naga, it's been around for almost forever. Give me some credit, will you?"
"Okay, I'll give you some credit. Just make sure she's not blue-haired."
"What, you're biased against blue hair as well? Is there no end to your restrictions, woman?"
"Aho! If we introduced a blue-haired naga in a bikini top, CRAPCOM might just sue!"
"I see your point. So what color do you suggest? We can't go with shades of pink and you don't like blue, what does that leave us with? Blonde?" Exasperated, Evang pours himself some sake and takes a sip, making a face as he put the cup down.
"What's wrong? Can't stand alcohol?"
"That, plus the sake's gone warm."
"That's the great thing about sake, you can have it warm or cold, and it still tastes great."
"We were talking about your preference in color, right?"
"Um, gimme a sec. Well, we also have to make her hair longer. The Nabiki Tendo hairdo is a little to close for comfort."
"Okay. We're trying for a long-haired, decently-clad naga now."
"You make it sound impossible."
Gai, Kaji, and Tsukumo decide to respawn at this time. "What's impossible?" Kaji asked.
"Nothing's impossible. Especially where we are right now," Evang replied.
"So what are you having a discussion on?" Tsukumo asked.
"Well," Evang began, "Sada-chan's been asking for another female on board, and I'd appreciate your opinions..."
********************************************
One and half hour later...
Evang: Let's take this from the top. Our newest member...
Sada: Is going to be a blonde naga...
Gai: With a burning sense of justice!!!
Tsukumo: Approachable most of the time...
Kaji: And knows her way around machinery.
Evang: Huh? Where did that come from?
Kaji: Come on! I mean, you can't keep borrowing Uri-P forever 'cause he's got a family of his own, and you won't trust NERV to mess around with this place-
Evang: Would you?
Kaji: And as far as I know, we don't have the cash to have Astonage or Ms. Purpleton on call 24-7.
Sada: A female naga mechanic?
Gai: Don't forget the blonde, nekketsu part.
Tsukumo: How are you going to explain that away, Kaji?
Kaji: Who needs explanations around here? Look, being half snake is better for a mechanic.
Evang: And this is because?
Kaji: See, if she's part constrictor, she can climb mecha and hang from weird angles without the need for too much scaffolding and other stuff.
Evang: Hmmm...
Tsukumo: And I want to add another trait: tinker-crazy.
Sada: With a burning sense of justice? That could be weird, you know.
Evang: Weird being a euphemism for crazy? I have to agree.
Sada: This is going nowhere.
[Jemu enters from right of stage.]
Jemu: There's an easier solution to all of this, y'know.
Gai: To all of what?
Jemu: Let's just insert some copyrighted, trademarked characters in without prior consultation of the owners. I mean, hell, who reads the SpaceBar series anyway? Who even visits the section where this series is stored? It's not like the copyright police are going to be snooping around, anyway.
Kaji: Yeah. No one is watching, not even George's big brother. And Gendo Ikari.
Evang: You heard all of this conversation via our rudimentary mind-link?
Jemu: Some. Not all of it. BOS helped a lot- he's not 100% on-line yet, but he still works. He still can't make contributions to our dialogs, though.
Tsukumo: So, who are we going to call?
Jemu: Ghost-blasters? No, seriously, I thought I'll try Dairy House first. There's a real man-eater that I think will blend in nicely here.
A trans-reality phone handset and an accompanying directory materialize, floating in mid-air. Jemu flips through the Pastel Pages, skims a line with his fingertip, then proceeds to dial.
Jemu: Hello? Dairy House? My name is Jemu Nekketsu. I run a production company, Spacebar Inc., and I was wondering if you still have one of your game characters on retainer. [Pause.] She's from Night-time Apparitions, long, white hair, killer smile and body. Literally. No preferences to the gender of her 'victims.' [Pause.] Yes, I'll wait. (Grins at everyone in the bar and shows them his crossed fingers.) Yes? That's wonderful! Just great. [Pause.] Transportation's not a problem, the reception party will take more planning- [Pause.] Aahhh. Ok, no WWII memorabilia. Shouldn't be a problem, I'm not a military otaku or a history buff. Thanks. Good day to you. (Phone and directory vanish.)
Kaji: Well? It sounded like it went well, so give us the details.
Gai: Will we have a party?
Evang: Not with this much people, we won't. (Directs a speaking glance at Jemu.)
Jemu: Don't worry. (Summons the trans-reality phone again and speed dials.) BAMPRESTO HR Department? I'd like to inquire if you can lease me some of your Originals. No, not the mecha, the pilots. [Pause.] No, I don't want Shirakawa Shu, even if he comes with Saphine Grace. And I don't give a toss about Princess Monica, I don't think she'll like this party either. Besides, just those three will bust my budget. [Pause.] Maybe Axel and Lamia, pilots, not mecha? [Pause.] Well, can I have the number for the Shadow Mirror Division? [Pause.] BAMPRESTO mirror site. Haha. I get the joke. It's at www.BAMPRESTO/mirror/main.htm, did I get it right? Okay. Thanks. (Pockets the phone and faces his companions.) Looks like I'll be navigating some cyberspace for a while. Evang, you take helm- wait, while you're at it, see what you can read up on succubi and their kind and how to keep them under control.
Evang: Okay. It should be in The Book. I need an excuse to start reading again, anyway. My Mastery Examination is coming up.
Gai: I want to play Armageddon again!
Kaji: Me too. I need to recover the experience point that I lost.
Sada: Didn't you hear what he said? BOS, ergo, the server, is still down.
Tsukumo: No thanks to you. I'll just burn some phone lines talking to Minato and Yukina. Later, people.
Jemu, Evang, and Tsukumo exit, leaving Kaji, Gai and Sada in the Main Lounge.
Kaji: At least the Wreck Room is still functional. How about a game of King of Robots 2003, Gai? You use Gekiganger V and Gekiganger 3, while I'll juts use Chodenji Senshi Volbattler X.
Gai: Hah! You'll never win! Bring it on! I'll show you the real Double Gekigan Flare!!
The two head for the Wreck Room trading jibes about the other's fighting style, and once again Sada finds herself by her lonesome.
Sada: I'm getting real tired of this. (Sighs.) Oh, well. (One appears, and she steps into it, placing a "DO NOT DISTURB UNTIL NEXT EPISODE' sign on the well's lip.
