SpaceBar Second Stage
by Jemu Nekketsu
*Standard disclaimers apply.*
EPISODE 3: THRILLA NIGHT
SCENE 1. The SpaceBar. Home of crazy-ass events that would never normally happen in any continuum, except maybe for Di Gi Charat. Today, it is in a festive mood, as preparations are done to greet the newest denizens of this insane place. As usual with all SpaceBar parties, representatives from works that have guested (READ: butchered) in the previous episodes have been invited to greet the newcomers.
Akito: (Plunking a kettle on the kitchen counter.) Yeah, and I always end up cooking for these stupid parties. I hate it!
Yurika: (Overhearing Akito's comment.) Would you like me to cook this time, Akito?
Akito: (Opens his mouth to say no.) Wait, I can still pay back that bastard Evang for Episode 1! (To Yurika.) Would you really? If it's not too much to ask, that is.
Yurika: No, of course not. I'll make you real happy, I swear. I'll even wear that kinky apron you like so much - without anything underneath.
Akito: (Thinking of a bare-arsed Yurika making poison for Evang and grinning.) Thanks, Yurika. That's why I luh- luhh- WUV you. (To himself.) What's wrong with me? It's just a four-letter word.
In the Dead Characters' Apartments, the Three Gunned Men are escorting a striking brunette in military uniform around the premises.
Kaji: And here we have our own recreational facilities. We have tennis courts, jogging lanes, an Olympic-sized pool, and goodness knows what else.
Gai: We even have our own movie theater! Great for watching classics!
Ayame: I see. What about a real theater?
Tsukumo: Huh?
Ayame: You know: actors, costumes, stage left, stage fright, curtains, trapdoors?
Kaji: Well, we have such a building, but we lack the necessary people to make it work.
Tsukumo: That's how small our population is, ma'am.
Ayame: There's just four of us here?
Gai: Well, a party will be held later, and we can introduce you to the other locals. If you're not doing anything tonight, that is.
Ayame: Oh, yes, I'm free, and I'd like to attend. After all, my existence here has been foreshadowed back in the first season, and I'd like to have a word with whoever was responsible for neglecting me.
Kaji: Sounds like a foreshadowing of more fun to come. 8)
In the anteroom to the Author's Omnipotent Hammerspace Device, Jemu and Evang are trying to decide who will be the welcoming party and who will tend bar and keep an eye on the guests. No, not those obnoxious Atomic Bazooka bait. They do it the time-honored way: hand-to-hand combat.
Jemu pulls up a fist.
Evang counters it with his open palm.
Sada blurts out incredulously, "Jakken po? What the hell?"
Evang: I win. Back inside, Bartender. (Grinning.)
Jemu: I'll have my revenge, Clone. (Exit stage right.)
Sada: (Confused by the byplay.) Eh?
Evang: Long story.
Sada: And we've got time to kill while waiting for our visitor.
Evang: Go see the first episode. It's somewhere in fanfiction.net. Shall we go into the Chamber itself?
Inside the chamber, Evang checks the instrument panel.
Evang: The tunnel is complete! Any moment now, she'll step through.
Sada: I can't wait.
Evang: Now we'll have 2 white ladies in here. Readers will begin to say the SpaceBar is haunted.
Sada: Won't you like that? The SpaceBar will be elevated to the status of galactic legend.
Evang: Hadn't thought of it that way.
The lights on the panel began to blink rapidly, and the ceiling lights go out. Nothing can be seen in the ensuing darkness, save for the panel, lit by the indicators; Evang's Jedi-wannabe outfit, gleaming a faint red; and Sada, who is always visible in any sort of lighting. At Evang's inquiring glance, Sada explained.
Sada: It's an undead thing. Or maybe a psychic thing. I don't give it much thought.
???: Nice atmosphere, guys, but the high-tech blinkers kinda ruin the effect. What gives?
Evang: Sariko, I presume? I'm Evang. Pleasure to meet you, in the flesh. (Tries to flash his teeth in a smile, but ends up giving a leer.)
Sariko: (Looking Evang up and down and returning his leer.) The pleasure is all mine.
Sada: Hello, Sariko. I'm Sada. (Extends her hand.)
Sariko: (Takes the offered hand and shakes it.) Hello. I feel like we're going to be good friends, you and I.
Sada: What a coincidence. I feel the same way too.
The two white clad women smile at each other, and Evang felt a chill run down his spine. He reached into the folds of his robes, and touched The Book's cover for reassurance. Had Jemu made a mistake? Was the SpaceBar about to join the ranks of the Ghost Train, the Flying Dutchman, or perhaps the Titanium? He wasn't sure he wanted to know.
Evang: (Clearing his throat.) If you'll follow me, please, the reception is this way. (Stops as a thought occurred to him.) Do I offer an arm to each of you?
Sada: Good manners would require you do so.
Sariko: Indeed. Don't worry, we'll let you have your arms back.
Evang: (Sarcastic.) You have no idea how much you've reassured me. (Casting Divine Protection under his breath.) Shall we? (Does the arm bit.)
Inside the Main Lounge, well, the 14th Extended Autonomous Robot Corps Round Knight was chilling out. It looked like a reunion of characters from BANGPRESTO's Super Mecha Wars series. Everyone inside had drinks in hand, but strangely, no one had food on their tables. Jemu noticed that Akito, sitting at the bar, looked rather discomfited.
Jemu: Tell me the truth, Cook of Justice.
Akito: What?!
Jemu: You let your wife sneak into the kitchen when you weren't looking, didn't you?
Akito: I can't take a piss and keep an eye on her at the same time!
Jemu: You should have taken her with you when you went to the john. Kept watch on her in the stall while you made a septic deposit.
Akito: That's outrageous!
Jemu: Nothing of the sort! You got nothing that she hasn't seen yet, or felt, now, have you?
Akito: ...
Jemu: Don't you feel sorry for Mr. Banjo Haran and that Maxwell kid? I mean, both of them have sensitive stomachs!
Akito: Alright already! I thought a bartender was supposed to listen, not make me feel worse! (To himself.) Stupid fools. That food wasn't meant for them, it was for that foul sorecerer!
On the dance floor, a dance showdown was in progress. One one side was the Voltes team, the old Getter team, and the Dancougar team. The other side had the Combattler team, the new (not Neo) Getter team, and the Gundam Wing boys, who were complaining to the judges.
Quatre: We don't dance modern. All we do is waltz.
Heero: I'm gonna kill you for that comment, Quatre.
Trowa/Triton: We're not like F4 or something. We're not even Chinese!
Wu Fei: Hey! I'm Chinese! Is there no sense of justcice in this place!
Tsukumo: (From the judge's table.) What do you know of sense of justice? I got shot and died because of that MF sense of justice!
Heero: I'm gonna kill you all.
Relena: Heero! You can't go about killing people for no reason other than you're annoyed with them!
Heero: I'm gonna kill myself.
Ayanami Rei gravitated to the quietest corner of the Lounge. To her irritation, which no once could really notice if it wasn't pointed out by the narrator, it was already occupied by Captain Hoshino, Lapis Lazuli, and a tacit, long-haired brunette who was sketching on a pad.
???: You don't have to look for another table. Neither of us mind you know.
Rei: (Looking at her Nadesico incarnations.) ...
???: Everyone will get along nicely if we kept our catty comments to ourselves. No offense, Ruri.
Ruri: None taken, Tifa.
Lapis: At least the Galaxy Angels cast wasn't invited.
Rei: (Taking a seat.) Thank God Jemu-san doesn't have cable TV.
Tifa: Oh.
Ruri: If they show up, I'll have Hari-kun Gravity Blast them to oblivion.
Tifa: I'll ask Garrod to support it with the Double Satellite Cannon.
Rei: Make sure you leave some for me to tear up.
Lapis: There will be.
Everyone else: Eh???
Lapis: Isn't that Hari-kun with Takasugi-kun at the bar, sipping orange juice and vodka?
It was. Along with Sousuke, Kurz, Amuro, Camille, and other real robot pilots.
Sousuke: So, can I apply for the newtype club?
Amuro: Um, nope.
Kurz: Why not? I can testify that he's definitely weird, and he has two girlfriends.
Sousuke: I don't.
Kurz: Rephrase that to he has two women fighting over him.
Camille: Too few. Sorry.
Judo: What about me? I only got two Purus, and I'm in the club!
Kou: You forgot about Roux again. You are so dead.
Judo: Why am I so dead?
Roux: (Producing a Hyper Hammer with a long chain.) This is why! Pedophile!!!
Roux swung the Hyper Hammer. Being Newtypes, Amuro, Camille, Judo, Jamil, Lancerow, Char/Quatro dodged it easily. Kou, on the other hand, was not so lucky. Neither were the Mithril pilots nor the Nadesico C crewmen.
Kurz: Not fair. I'm blonde and I'm cool. Why can't I be a newtype either? Is it the shades? I've got a sister too, you know.
Char: Is your sister also a kick-ass pilot?
Kurz: No.
Char: There you have it.
Takasugi: If I ever get to my feet, I'm gonna have a word with the author.
Hari: I should have stayed on board. Really.
Kou: (Delirious.) Balancers... failed... calculations... off...
Seabook: Look out guys, she's gonna swing again!
Judo: Seabook! What are you doing here!
Amuro: I didn't notice you at all!
Camille: Me neither.
Seabook: (Striking a dramatic pose.) I'm always the underrated, the loser. Why?
Kou: (Still delirious.) 'Cause I'm "The Winner".
Quatre: (From a table with the other GW chars.) Hey! I'm the only Winner in here!
It is to such craziness that one beleaguered mage entered the Main Lounge, with a literal femme fatale on each arm.
BOS: The Mad Mage Evang, Sada-chan, and...
Sariko: Sariko.
BOS: And Sariko, our newest companion. A toast, ladies and not-so gentlemen.
Derision met BOS's last statement, but everyone got to their feet to welcome the new arrivals. Sariko was looking around, eyeing people like a winemaker eyes grapevines. Sada met her gaze.
Sada: I know what you're thinking. Although they'll be here for the night, we won't be having them for dinner.
Sariko: Darn. Some of them look downright tasty. (Looking in particular at Zechs Merquise.) Mm-umm.
And so it went. Later, after they had eaten safe food, (and after locking up Yurika and Akito in a cage after doping both with Spanish fly and Viagra respectively) which consisted of some hors d'ouvres, the real entertainment began. No, I don't mean the "live show" in the Tenkawa cage.
Kensuke: Hey, Captain Hoshino, look at your mom and dad go!
Ruri: Who? I don't see any royalty anywhere.
Kensuke: What about that tall blond guy with a uraeus and a pair of wings?
Ruri: Uraeus?
Kensuke: Snake head ornament.
Touji: Put that camera away, Kensuke. Would you like it if someone doped you and Asuka with some drug that turned you both into sex fiends and locked you up together - wait, you'd enjoy that, wouldn't you?
Asuka: What was that I heard about me and Aida, Suzuhara!?
[Insert sound effects of people getting beaten up here.]
NGE Shinji: For once, I'm not part of such dust clouds.
FMP Shinji: You mean you get into fights a lot?
NGE Shinji: No, just about everytime I find myself here.
FMP Shinji: Doesn't the author get bored with that?
NGE Shinji: He does get bored. He finally got tired of the "let's make Rei and Asuka sexually obsessed with Shinji" plot device.
Asuka: Shinji!!! What was that I heard about me being sexually obsessed with you?
FMP Shinji: (Getting to his feet.) I wasn't saying anything! Why is it that when you tomboy-types see a guy with glasses and a camera you always jump to the conclusion that he's a sex fiend? HUH? ANSWER ME!!! I don't have a dormitory, you know!!!
Asuka: Ah- ah- ah- eh-
FMP Shinji: And people wonder why we guys have aversion to women- huh?!
Suddenly, this particular Shinji found himself hoisted up on the shoulders of his peers and paraded around the Main Lounge like a hero, much to his surprise and to the delight of the other guests, before being plunked down back on his stool.
Ichiro: (To himself.) I wonder when I'm gonna get one of those. (Looks at the joint Kagekidan table.) Probably not.
Ayame: (Appearing suddenly, behind him.) Still talking to yourself, I see.
Ichiro: (Still not looking behind.) Nice trick, Kaede. Can you imitate Sumire too, I'd like to see you try that.
Kaede: Ohgami-san, what are you talking about?
Ayame: Yeah, Ohgami, what are you talking about?
Ichiro: If you weren't the one who spoke, Kaede, who did? (Spins his stool and falls off as he sees who did.) Ayayayayaygyagyeyeyeh- {FAINT}THUD!!!
Coquelicot: What's the matter with Ichiro? Looks like he just saw a ghost and fainted dead away.
Sweatdrops all around for the original team, as they thought of how to answer the little brunette's question. It was Ayame who did it for them.
Ayame: I don't believe we've met. I'm Fujieda Ayame, Kaede's elder sister. She replaced me after I died in the first game, and let me tell you, it was weird.
Coquelicot: What's weird? Dying?
Ayame: No. Getting possessed by a bad guy, dying, and being reincarnated as St. Michael. Boy, were those loopy plot designs back then.
Coquelicot: Wow. I wanna be an angel too. Erica says she can talk to them.
Ayame: Erica?
Coquelicot: She's our squad leader when Ichiro isn't around.
Lobelia: God help us all. (Tossing down a shot of tequila.)
Ayame: Why? Is she anything like Sakura?
Lobelia: Cherry-girl? She's nothing compared to Sister Superior.
Glycine: How much have you had, Lobelia?
Lobelia: Just enough to give me a slight advantage if you try to outdrink me.
Kanna: I'll take you on that challenge. Whaddaya say, snake-woman, can I outdrink her or not?
Sumire: I'm no primate researcher, so I have no ideas on the drinking capability of you and your kind.
Orihime: 5000 lira on the European convict!
Leni: Double that on Kanna. She's dry as a bone she ought to have no problems winning.
Hanabi: We should stop them, Sakura. You don't want to be associated with Lobelia when she goes over the brim.
Sakura: Does she turn louder? More vulgar? More shocking?
Hanabi: How shocking does ripping her coat and shirt off, with all these men around, sound to you?
Sakura: HOEEEEEEEEE-!(Turns red and faints.)
Erica: Sakura, snap out of it! You don't have a perverted cousin that likes to take videos of whatever you do, for God's sake.
Sakura: I don't?
Erica: Yes! You're no magical girl, just as I'm no damsel in distress! Wrong show!!
Ichiro: (Waking up from his faint.) More like ditzes in distress.
A hush falls over the table, nay, around the whole Main Lounge.
Sakura: (Eyes blazing.) I heard that.
Erica: (Eyes glowing.) And so did I.
Ichiro: Uh, Ayame-san, does the DCA have any available units?
Ayame: No, afraid not. (Smiles sweetly.)
Ichiro: I'm dead, aren't I?
Kaede: Dear, whatever gave you that idea? Are you turning psychic as well?
Kohran: You might actually give Iris some competition.
Iris: Wai-!! Onii-chan is psychic too! Then we can get married and have lots of psychic children!
Maria: I know where this is heading. (Proceeds to do some vodka shots to knock herself out.) Hey Carlini, beat this!
So, as a three-way drinking match ensued between Kanna, Lobelia and Maria, the remaining members of the Kagekidan split up between trying to kill Ichiro and Iris. The noise level in the Main Lounge is restored, and the party proceeded as before.
Jemu: May I have your attention please?
Tetsuya Tsurugi: What, you're gonna make the real super robot pilots stand up?
Banjo Haran: Unfair, I just got comfortable here!
Duke Fleed: How come I didn't get mentioned in the royalty crack earlier?
Maria Grace Fleed: And me as well?
Duke: Yeah, and my sister too?
Evang: Don't blame us, blame the kid with glasses and camera!
Kyouko: (Seated beside Kaname.) Huh? What did I do?
Kaname: He's probably talking about Shinji.
NGE Shinji: I what?!! I did nothing of the sort!!!
Jemu: We now come to the part called "Singing for your supper." Here's how it works. Due to a foiled assassination attempt, we only have a limited amount of non-poisoned food to pass around. (Waits for the murmurs to subside.) So, we have decided to feed only those characters that perform for their dinner. You can sing, dance, do whatever you think will entertain the rest of us, or else you starve to death. That will be all. Let the performances begin!
A riot nearly broke out, as first the assembled guests tried to murder their hosts and hostesses, and when that failed, as they tried to figure out who would do what. Kaji was on hand, armed with a logbook and a pen, ready to take on the mob.
NGE Shinji: Kaji-san! Put me in the string orchestra!
Kaji: You'll play for whatever these other people decide to do?
Asuka: Pretty smart idea, isn't it? I thought of it.
Touji: I'll go percussion, myself.
Rei: Have you had formal training?
Touji: How hard can it be to pound some taut membranes?
Asuka: Put all of us pilots in the orchsestra! Even wonder girl!
Kensuke: I'll capture the whole thing on video!
FMP Shinji: I'll take polaroids!!!
Kyouko: Nah, digital is better!!!
Kaji: No need to fight kiddies. More is better, I say.
Kurz: Trick shooting counts as a talent, right?
Kaji: Sure. It's better than what these newtypes will be doing.
Sousuke: What's that?
Kaji: They'll be having a spoon-bending competition. What will you be doing?
Sousuke: I'll, uh-
Kaname: I can sing and dance.
Sousuke: I'll, uh-
Tessa: Me too. Maybe we can duet, see who the crowd likes better?
Sousuke: I'll, uh-
Kaname: Splendid idea.
Sousuke: That's it! I'll do a skit, "How Not to Impress Women."
Kaji: Too easy. Sorry, I can't accept it.
Sousuke: Damn.
Kurz: What if you be my target- I mean assistant- for my trick shooting?
Sousuke: I have it. I'll play around with a soccer ball for ten minutes.
Kaji: That's it?
Sousuke: In the Arbalest.
Kaji: I see. Alright, I'll allow it. And you, miss?
Melissa: I'm afraid my... special talents... aren't for public viewing. But just for you, maybe I can-
Kaji: Nice try lady. Misato already tried that line, and my answer is still no.
Kurz: Why don't you parade down a walkway in your lingerie?
Sousuke: Yeah, you'd be a hit with all the men in here.
Kaname: Spoken like a true underwear thief.
Kaji: That's an idea! (Producing a megaphone.) Attention ladies! If you can't think of any talent to show, why not sign up for the lingerie show? Guaranteed food tickets, limited offer only!
Cheers from the men and glasses from the women rained on Kaji.
Kaji: Ouch. That's bad. Oh well, if you don't want that, you can always join the wet T-shirt/camisole contest...
Cheers from the men and glasses from the women rained on Kaji. Again.
Kaji: I ought to demand hazard pay for this. But I won't! There's also an alcohol endurance contest, where we detox you of all chemicals before seeing how much booze you can handle. Open to both genders!!!
Jemu: That's actually a smart idea. If they get blasted with booze, they won't be in the mood to eat anymore, which means more for everyone else.
Tsukumo: With your permission, I'd like to do the enlistment guy thing as well.
Jemu: Go ahead. Kaji's currently in publicity stunt mode right now. I'm counting on you.
Tsukumo: Enlistment #2 here! No talent you can think of? Take the Triple Gekiganger Challenge!
Super Robot Pilots: What's that?
Tsukumo: All you have to do is to knock down these three Gekigan types piloted by me, Tsukiomi-san, and Saburota-san!
Tsukiomi Genichiro: What am I doing here?
Saburota Takasugi: Same thing as I am, bit roles. It's been a while since I've sat in one of these.
Genichiro: You're a turncoat as well? Give it up here!!
Meanwhile, the pilots took a really good look at the Gekigan-types. Immediately, some pilots' Kiryoku jumped to 115.
Ryoma: Sign me up!
Hayato: Me too!!
Musashi: Count me in!
Tsukumo: Classic Getter team, OK. Anyone else.
Tetsuya: Me. I want in.
Tsukumo: Great Mazinger. Hmm.
Back to Kaji. Despite initial protests, a surprising amount of women signed up for the "Wet Lingerie Show/Contest."
Bright: I shudder to think of it. (Shudders.)
Kane: What, they put on a lingerie show-
Light: Then drench the models later with booze?
Tapp: Sounds good to me! Hey, Miz Noin, whatcha gonna be doing?
Noin: The question is what will you three be doing?
Kane: We'll be posing as some sort of rock group.
Light: Yeah. Metal Armor D. How does that grab you?
Noin: It doesn't.
Tapp: Yeah? And what about you, Ms. High-and-Mighty Instructor?
Noin: Isn't it obvious? (Attaching herself to Zechs' arm.) We'll waltz. (Moves away.)
Jamil: You're going to have some rather intersting competition tonight, D-Team.
Kane: And you are?
Jamil: Jamil Neate. Newtype, at your service.
Tapp: Competition from who?
Jamil: From the Nadesico trio. Call themselves the Buttercups.
Light: Bring 'em on. Anyone cute, by the way?
Jamil: Not cute. Attractive.
Tapp: What will you be performing, Mr. Newtype?
Kane: Bend some spoons?
Jamil: No. I'll be putting on a light show with Garrod and Tifa. Roy, Witz, and Enil are going to do a comedy act. Sara and Tonya, much to my shame, will be on the meat market.
Bright: Joining the wet contest, eh? At least your series-mates are funny. Mine have no imagination. Spoon-bending marathon? Jeez.
Sariko: I've read something that in the olden times, they had tournaments whenever they had parties. The men would sign up for various events, their names displayed on lists for all to see.
Sada: That's where the term 'the lists' originated, right?
Evang: (Floating up to the raised table where the two were conversing.) Boy, that slipped out of control.
Sada: What did?
Evang: We meant it to be a parody of the Miss Nadesico episode or something.
Sariko: And now it's back in the 16th century?
Evang: You said it. We got singers, dancers, musicians, acrobats, comedies, even mecha-style jousts!
Sariko: All this for me? I'm flattered. Really.
Jemu: (Pulling himself up.) Well, it's not everyday we welcome two new residents here.
Sariko: So, when can I have my backstory? You know, what I can do, how I came to be, etc.
Evang: Maybe next episode, or maybe the Halloween episode. Wanna see the partial lists?
Sada: Sure.
THE LISTS
Event: Triple Gekiganger Challenge Free-for-All
Participants:
Getter Robo Team "'Mitsu no kokoro o hitotsu ni awase' is a direct rip-off! Die Gekiganger!"
Great Mazinger (Tetsuya Tsurugi) "Just look at us! Clone!!!"
Mazinger Z (Kouji Kabuto) "This looks like fun."
Zambot Team "It's one thing to steal 3 no mecha ga hitotsu ni na hate, but even the 3? Grow up!"
Daitarn 3 (Banjo Haran, fully recovered) "Only I can be brought down by bad fish! I alone!"
Daimos (Kazuya Ryuuzaki) "Rubber-armor enemies? I'll show you!!!"
Combattler Team: "'Jetto! Marin! Tanku! Are go!?' Go to hell!"
Voltes Team: "The sword! The sword! And we don't mean Ken Tenkuu!"
Rules: Everyone starts at 130 Kiryoku. No Conformal Parts allowed. No seishin allowed. Remaining unit(s) after the 3 Gekigan-types fall wins.
Event: Wet Lingerie Show
Participants:
Misato Katsuragi "At least it's beer they'll pour over you."
Ritsuko Akagi "I haven't been in one of these since college."
Ines Fressange "I've done this before, I think."
Melissa Mao "Somehow I get the feeling this isn't going to be the first time someone stared at me in my underwear."
Sara and Tonya (aka Freeden bridge bunnies) "We'll show those Ms. Nadesico participants!"
Event: Cotillion (DEATH TO YAOI PAIRINGS!!!)
Participants:
Heero & Relena "I wanna kill myself." "There, there, you souldn't say such things."
Duo & Hilde "You know how to waltz, Hilde?" "No." "Good." "Huh?"
Wufei & Sally "If I hear the word justice during this dance I will knee your groin." "I hear you, woman."
Trowa/Triton & Catherine "It feels odd, dancing with my sister." "We're not the only siblings here, see below." "Where's Quatre, sis?" "He'll be playing in the orchestra." "Ok, then."
Milliardo & Lucrezia "Are we the only ones whose names look old?" "Who are you calling old?" PINCH. "Ow. Sorry. I meant mature."
Duke and Maria Grace "So annoying when there's another Maria in the house, onii-chan." "Just as well." "What are you talking about?" "I honestly don't know."
Richter & Erica "So annoying when there's another Erica in the house, onii-chan." "Especially if she's as ditzy as you are." [Insert Hissatsu! Reppu Seiken Zuki animation here.] "Ouch!" "I learned some things from my husband."
Event: Battle of the Bands
Participants:
Metal Armor D (aka Dragonar Team)
The Buttercups (aka Ryoko from Nadesico, Izumi, Hikaru from Nadesico)
Ai no Chikara (aka Dancougar Team)
Akira and the Coplanders "I've been saving my voice for good reason." "So that's why you haven't said a word throughout this shit." "Let's blow this place away!"
Performances:
Spectacular Light Show by Jamil, Garrod, Tifa, and the G-Bits.
2 Guys, a Girl, and a Mobile Suit: a stand-up act by Witz, Roy, and Enil
Hyper Aura Knife Infommercial by The Seisenshi
Mr. Newtype dance number by Amuro, Camille, Char/Quatro, Judo, Seabook.
Kaji: There's more to come, but the author's out of ideas.
Tsukumo: Isn't that an oxymoron?
Gai: We still haven't seen what the Sakura Taisen cast are going to perform.
Ayame: Whatever it is, it's bound to be a good show.
Kaji: Will the author ever get tired of sending all available members to destroy Ichiro?
Gai: I think he's a member of the Ohgami-Must-Die club.
Tsukumo: Ichiro should be part of the Mr. Newtype performance, then.
Ayame: He'd do better as a solo act, singing 'To all the girls I've fooled before...'
Kaji: You know the girls very well, don't you, Ayame-san?
Ayame: Just the original team, yes.
Kaji: Could you persuade them to sing, "Hopelessly trying to win you'?
Ayame: How does that song go?
Tsukumo: 'Guess mine is not the first heart broken..."
Ayame: A fitting song for my baby sister and her friends, but no. It hits too close to home, you see.
3 Gunned Men: Ooooohhh.
Ayame: I meant that it crushes me to think of my sister as having fallen for that bounder!
Gai: Um, so, what do you think your sister will perform?
Ayame: She might sing. She's got a pretty good voice, actually.
Kaji: I see. (Making a note on his logbook.)
Ayame: I'm curious about the Parisiennes, though.
Kaji: I hope they dance can-can!
At mention of the kinky dance, the members of the Paris Hanagumi teleport in around Kaji, beat him silly, then teleport back into the crowd.
Kaji: Did someone get the number of that N2 mine that whapped me?
Ayame: What in the world just happened?
Gai: It's a cyclic lexically activated contingency transportation event.
Ayame: Huh? It happened in a flash...
Tsukumo: Let me call Dr. Ines to explain.
Ines: (Suddenly appearing.) This is a rather uncomfortable time for such an explanation, Shiratori-san, considering my state of dress.
Ayame: Or undress.
Gai: What are you wearing! Or, what aren't you wearing!
Ines: Let me explain. I was trying out the things I'm supposed to model later on in the night when all of a sudden I heard someone say the word explain. So I immediately got transported into the space-time coordinates nearest to the person who said it.
Ayame: Ahh. So, for the Paris Hanagumi, the magic word is "can-can"?
No response.
Ines: Theirs might be more complex forms of the phemomenon. Perhaps it is also gender-sensitive for them. Gai, would you like to aid in the advancement of science? I need an intrepid assistant.
Gai: Not to worry, doctor. What is it you require?
Ines: What's the last thing Kaji said before the Paris Hanagumi knocked him silly?
Gai: He said he wanted the Paris Hanagumi to perform can-can, I think-
At mention of the kinky dance, the members of the Paris Hanagumi teleported in around Gai, beat him silly, then teleported back into the crowd.
Tsukumo: Scary shit. I think I'll go sit with Minato for a while.
Ayame: You mean you want to sit near your sister and make sure that Jun doesn't pull any fast ones when you're not looking.
Tsukumo: I'm not worried about him, or my sister.
Ayame: Don't pretend, Tsukumo. I've a younger sister too. I know what I'm talking about.
Tsukumo: You don't know Jun, then. He's so reverse of Ohgami that- hey, how did you know about my sister? I never told you about her yet!
Ayame: Continuity error.
Kaji: Uhhh. Gawd. (Realigning his limbs.) That hurt a lot.
Gai: That's the last time I get taken in by a blonde in a sheer camisole. I can't even feel my legs!
Thanks to the party, no one was watching the Plot Device Indicator as it flashed out its warning with its lights that were blinking. And the lights said that multiple hammerspace/reality rifts have opened and closed six seconds apart.
Axel: How pathetic. No guards, automated sentries, no nothing.
Lamia: General, according to my readings, there is a way of taking over the station without damaging it at all.
Axel: Really? I suppose there's a sign saying "Do not pull power cord" somewhere, hmm?
Lamia: Actually, it's more like "Mind-altering chemicals stored here."
Axel: What are we waiting for? Let's go for it.
Lamia: General, look at all the mecha parked outside!
Axel: I'm sure their pilots are "parked" inside. Have the Geshpents, the Hyukkebines, and the Excellence guard our units.
Lamia: Already done sir.
Axel: Good.
Pulling out his unit's laser blade, Axel cut a hole in the SpaceBar's hull. Klaxons went off all over the station, but since everybody was either having too much fun or drunk, nobody gave a damn. Axel pulled on his spacesuit and opened his cockpit. Lamia did the same.
Axel: I hope you passed your infiltration/hihacking training, doll.
Lamia: I was not trained, sir, the knowledge was hardwired into my brain.
Axel: Good. Because I didn't.
Lamia: General!
Axel: Ya-hooooo!
With a whoop, Axel propelled himself in.
Lamia: Lemon-sama, he doesn't need an assistant, he needs a baby-sitter.
Resigned to making sure that they both came back alive, she went in after him. Soon they found themselves in a lab of sorts.
Axel: (Squinting at the labeled beakers and test tubes.) Aha!
Lamia: What is it, General? What did you find!
Axel held up a stoppered beaker. It was labeled in large letters as "Formula H-XXX-R18NC17." In slightly smaller font was written: "Do not allow inhalation by anime pilots and their girlfriends." At least, that's what Axel read in the gloom. He quickly pocketed it, and a second container of the same, just to be sure.
Axel: I have the agent.
Lamia: Are we going to their ventilation main and pipe it in to each room?
Axel: No, we might not have enough to do so.
Lamia: Then again, we might.
Axel: Where's the glory in that?
Lamia: What do you want to do, then?
Axel: (Pulls out a palmtop.) According to the readings, they're all in one room. We go there, demand their surrender, or else I expose them to this.
Lamia: That's insane! You're insane!
Axel: (Grabbing Lamia's chin and pulling her in for a quick peck to the lips.) Damn, and you're so cute. Too cute, especially when you get uppity.
Come on, doll, we have a station to hijack.
Lamia: (Stunned.) ...
Axel: (Pulling her along.) Come now, no sense wasting time and opportunity.
Grabbing a gas mask for himself, because he didn't think his android sidekick needed it, Axel led Lamia to what his palmtop told him was the gathering point for the whole Earthian Super Robot Force.
Axel: Ready?
Lamia: If I said no, will it stop you?
Axel: What do you think? (Readies his foot.)
Lamia: The doors slide open when someone moves near them. (Demonstrates the fact.) See?
Axel: So much for the element of surprise.
TO BE CONTINUED...
by Jemu Nekketsu
*Standard disclaimers apply.*
EPISODE 3: THRILLA NIGHT
SCENE 1. The SpaceBar. Home of crazy-ass events that would never normally happen in any continuum, except maybe for Di Gi Charat. Today, it is in a festive mood, as preparations are done to greet the newest denizens of this insane place. As usual with all SpaceBar parties, representatives from works that have guested (READ: butchered) in the previous episodes have been invited to greet the newcomers.
Akito: (Plunking a kettle on the kitchen counter.) Yeah, and I always end up cooking for these stupid parties. I hate it!
Yurika: (Overhearing Akito's comment.) Would you like me to cook this time, Akito?
Akito: (Opens his mouth to say no.) Wait, I can still pay back that bastard Evang for Episode 1! (To Yurika.) Would you really? If it's not too much to ask, that is.
Yurika: No, of course not. I'll make you real happy, I swear. I'll even wear that kinky apron you like so much - without anything underneath.
Akito: (Thinking of a bare-arsed Yurika making poison for Evang and grinning.) Thanks, Yurika. That's why I luh- luhh- WUV you. (To himself.) What's wrong with me? It's just a four-letter word.
In the Dead Characters' Apartments, the Three Gunned Men are escorting a striking brunette in military uniform around the premises.
Kaji: And here we have our own recreational facilities. We have tennis courts, jogging lanes, an Olympic-sized pool, and goodness knows what else.
Gai: We even have our own movie theater! Great for watching classics!
Ayame: I see. What about a real theater?
Tsukumo: Huh?
Ayame: You know: actors, costumes, stage left, stage fright, curtains, trapdoors?
Kaji: Well, we have such a building, but we lack the necessary people to make it work.
Tsukumo: That's how small our population is, ma'am.
Ayame: There's just four of us here?
Gai: Well, a party will be held later, and we can introduce you to the other locals. If you're not doing anything tonight, that is.
Ayame: Oh, yes, I'm free, and I'd like to attend. After all, my existence here has been foreshadowed back in the first season, and I'd like to have a word with whoever was responsible for neglecting me.
Kaji: Sounds like a foreshadowing of more fun to come. 8)
In the anteroom to the Author's Omnipotent Hammerspace Device, Jemu and Evang are trying to decide who will be the welcoming party and who will tend bar and keep an eye on the guests. No, not those obnoxious Atomic Bazooka bait. They do it the time-honored way: hand-to-hand combat.
Jemu pulls up a fist.
Evang counters it with his open palm.
Sada blurts out incredulously, "Jakken po? What the hell?"
Evang: I win. Back inside, Bartender. (Grinning.)
Jemu: I'll have my revenge, Clone. (Exit stage right.)
Sada: (Confused by the byplay.) Eh?
Evang: Long story.
Sada: And we've got time to kill while waiting for our visitor.
Evang: Go see the first episode. It's somewhere in fanfiction.net. Shall we go into the Chamber itself?
Inside the chamber, Evang checks the instrument panel.
Evang: The tunnel is complete! Any moment now, she'll step through.
Sada: I can't wait.
Evang: Now we'll have 2 white ladies in here. Readers will begin to say the SpaceBar is haunted.
Sada: Won't you like that? The SpaceBar will be elevated to the status of galactic legend.
Evang: Hadn't thought of it that way.
The lights on the panel began to blink rapidly, and the ceiling lights go out. Nothing can be seen in the ensuing darkness, save for the panel, lit by the indicators; Evang's Jedi-wannabe outfit, gleaming a faint red; and Sada, who is always visible in any sort of lighting. At Evang's inquiring glance, Sada explained.
Sada: It's an undead thing. Or maybe a psychic thing. I don't give it much thought.
???: Nice atmosphere, guys, but the high-tech blinkers kinda ruin the effect. What gives?
Evang: Sariko, I presume? I'm Evang. Pleasure to meet you, in the flesh. (Tries to flash his teeth in a smile, but ends up giving a leer.)
Sariko: (Looking Evang up and down and returning his leer.) The pleasure is all mine.
Sada: Hello, Sariko. I'm Sada. (Extends her hand.)
Sariko: (Takes the offered hand and shakes it.) Hello. I feel like we're going to be good friends, you and I.
Sada: What a coincidence. I feel the same way too.
The two white clad women smile at each other, and Evang felt a chill run down his spine. He reached into the folds of his robes, and touched The Book's cover for reassurance. Had Jemu made a mistake? Was the SpaceBar about to join the ranks of the Ghost Train, the Flying Dutchman, or perhaps the Titanium? He wasn't sure he wanted to know.
Evang: (Clearing his throat.) If you'll follow me, please, the reception is this way. (Stops as a thought occurred to him.) Do I offer an arm to each of you?
Sada: Good manners would require you do so.
Sariko: Indeed. Don't worry, we'll let you have your arms back.
Evang: (Sarcastic.) You have no idea how much you've reassured me. (Casting Divine Protection under his breath.) Shall we? (Does the arm bit.)
Inside the Main Lounge, well, the 14th Extended Autonomous Robot Corps Round Knight was chilling out. It looked like a reunion of characters from BANGPRESTO's Super Mecha Wars series. Everyone inside had drinks in hand, but strangely, no one had food on their tables. Jemu noticed that Akito, sitting at the bar, looked rather discomfited.
Jemu: Tell me the truth, Cook of Justice.
Akito: What?!
Jemu: You let your wife sneak into the kitchen when you weren't looking, didn't you?
Akito: I can't take a piss and keep an eye on her at the same time!
Jemu: You should have taken her with you when you went to the john. Kept watch on her in the stall while you made a septic deposit.
Akito: That's outrageous!
Jemu: Nothing of the sort! You got nothing that she hasn't seen yet, or felt, now, have you?
Akito: ...
Jemu: Don't you feel sorry for Mr. Banjo Haran and that Maxwell kid? I mean, both of them have sensitive stomachs!
Akito: Alright already! I thought a bartender was supposed to listen, not make me feel worse! (To himself.) Stupid fools. That food wasn't meant for them, it was for that foul sorecerer!
On the dance floor, a dance showdown was in progress. One one side was the Voltes team, the old Getter team, and the Dancougar team. The other side had the Combattler team, the new (not Neo) Getter team, and the Gundam Wing boys, who were complaining to the judges.
Quatre: We don't dance modern. All we do is waltz.
Heero: I'm gonna kill you for that comment, Quatre.
Trowa/Triton: We're not like F4 or something. We're not even Chinese!
Wu Fei: Hey! I'm Chinese! Is there no sense of justcice in this place!
Tsukumo: (From the judge's table.) What do you know of sense of justice? I got shot and died because of that MF sense of justice!
Heero: I'm gonna kill you all.
Relena: Heero! You can't go about killing people for no reason other than you're annoyed with them!
Heero: I'm gonna kill myself.
Ayanami Rei gravitated to the quietest corner of the Lounge. To her irritation, which no once could really notice if it wasn't pointed out by the narrator, it was already occupied by Captain Hoshino, Lapis Lazuli, and a tacit, long-haired brunette who was sketching on a pad.
???: You don't have to look for another table. Neither of us mind you know.
Rei: (Looking at her Nadesico incarnations.) ...
???: Everyone will get along nicely if we kept our catty comments to ourselves. No offense, Ruri.
Ruri: None taken, Tifa.
Lapis: At least the Galaxy Angels cast wasn't invited.
Rei: (Taking a seat.) Thank God Jemu-san doesn't have cable TV.
Tifa: Oh.
Ruri: If they show up, I'll have Hari-kun Gravity Blast them to oblivion.
Tifa: I'll ask Garrod to support it with the Double Satellite Cannon.
Rei: Make sure you leave some for me to tear up.
Lapis: There will be.
Everyone else: Eh???
Lapis: Isn't that Hari-kun with Takasugi-kun at the bar, sipping orange juice and vodka?
It was. Along with Sousuke, Kurz, Amuro, Camille, and other real robot pilots.
Sousuke: So, can I apply for the newtype club?
Amuro: Um, nope.
Kurz: Why not? I can testify that he's definitely weird, and he has two girlfriends.
Sousuke: I don't.
Kurz: Rephrase that to he has two women fighting over him.
Camille: Too few. Sorry.
Judo: What about me? I only got two Purus, and I'm in the club!
Kou: You forgot about Roux again. You are so dead.
Judo: Why am I so dead?
Roux: (Producing a Hyper Hammer with a long chain.) This is why! Pedophile!!!
Roux swung the Hyper Hammer. Being Newtypes, Amuro, Camille, Judo, Jamil, Lancerow, Char/Quatro dodged it easily. Kou, on the other hand, was not so lucky. Neither were the Mithril pilots nor the Nadesico C crewmen.
Kurz: Not fair. I'm blonde and I'm cool. Why can't I be a newtype either? Is it the shades? I've got a sister too, you know.
Char: Is your sister also a kick-ass pilot?
Kurz: No.
Char: There you have it.
Takasugi: If I ever get to my feet, I'm gonna have a word with the author.
Hari: I should have stayed on board. Really.
Kou: (Delirious.) Balancers... failed... calculations... off...
Seabook: Look out guys, she's gonna swing again!
Judo: Seabook! What are you doing here!
Amuro: I didn't notice you at all!
Camille: Me neither.
Seabook: (Striking a dramatic pose.) I'm always the underrated, the loser. Why?
Kou: (Still delirious.) 'Cause I'm "The Winner".
Quatre: (From a table with the other GW chars.) Hey! I'm the only Winner in here!
It is to such craziness that one beleaguered mage entered the Main Lounge, with a literal femme fatale on each arm.
BOS: The Mad Mage Evang, Sada-chan, and...
Sariko: Sariko.
BOS: And Sariko, our newest companion. A toast, ladies and not-so gentlemen.
Derision met BOS's last statement, but everyone got to their feet to welcome the new arrivals. Sariko was looking around, eyeing people like a winemaker eyes grapevines. Sada met her gaze.
Sada: I know what you're thinking. Although they'll be here for the night, we won't be having them for dinner.
Sariko: Darn. Some of them look downright tasty. (Looking in particular at Zechs Merquise.) Mm-umm.
And so it went. Later, after they had eaten safe food, (and after locking up Yurika and Akito in a cage after doping both with Spanish fly and Viagra respectively) which consisted of some hors d'ouvres, the real entertainment began. No, I don't mean the "live show" in the Tenkawa cage.
Kensuke: Hey, Captain Hoshino, look at your mom and dad go!
Ruri: Who? I don't see any royalty anywhere.
Kensuke: What about that tall blond guy with a uraeus and a pair of wings?
Ruri: Uraeus?
Kensuke: Snake head ornament.
Touji: Put that camera away, Kensuke. Would you like it if someone doped you and Asuka with some drug that turned you both into sex fiends and locked you up together - wait, you'd enjoy that, wouldn't you?
Asuka: What was that I heard about me and Aida, Suzuhara!?
[Insert sound effects of people getting beaten up here.]
NGE Shinji: For once, I'm not part of such dust clouds.
FMP Shinji: You mean you get into fights a lot?
NGE Shinji: No, just about everytime I find myself here.
FMP Shinji: Doesn't the author get bored with that?
NGE Shinji: He does get bored. He finally got tired of the "let's make Rei and Asuka sexually obsessed with Shinji" plot device.
Asuka: Shinji!!! What was that I heard about me being sexually obsessed with you?
FMP Shinji: (Getting to his feet.) I wasn't saying anything! Why is it that when you tomboy-types see a guy with glasses and a camera you always jump to the conclusion that he's a sex fiend? HUH? ANSWER ME!!! I don't have a dormitory, you know!!!
Asuka: Ah- ah- ah- eh-
FMP Shinji: And people wonder why we guys have aversion to women- huh?!
Suddenly, this particular Shinji found himself hoisted up on the shoulders of his peers and paraded around the Main Lounge like a hero, much to his surprise and to the delight of the other guests, before being plunked down back on his stool.
Ichiro: (To himself.) I wonder when I'm gonna get one of those. (Looks at the joint Kagekidan table.) Probably not.
Ayame: (Appearing suddenly, behind him.) Still talking to yourself, I see.
Ichiro: (Still not looking behind.) Nice trick, Kaede. Can you imitate Sumire too, I'd like to see you try that.
Kaede: Ohgami-san, what are you talking about?
Ayame: Yeah, Ohgami, what are you talking about?
Ichiro: If you weren't the one who spoke, Kaede, who did? (Spins his stool and falls off as he sees who did.) Ayayayayaygyagyeyeyeh- {FAINT}THUD!!!
Coquelicot: What's the matter with Ichiro? Looks like he just saw a ghost and fainted dead away.
Sweatdrops all around for the original team, as they thought of how to answer the little brunette's question. It was Ayame who did it for them.
Ayame: I don't believe we've met. I'm Fujieda Ayame, Kaede's elder sister. She replaced me after I died in the first game, and let me tell you, it was weird.
Coquelicot: What's weird? Dying?
Ayame: No. Getting possessed by a bad guy, dying, and being reincarnated as St. Michael. Boy, were those loopy plot designs back then.
Coquelicot: Wow. I wanna be an angel too. Erica says she can talk to them.
Ayame: Erica?
Coquelicot: She's our squad leader when Ichiro isn't around.
Lobelia: God help us all. (Tossing down a shot of tequila.)
Ayame: Why? Is she anything like Sakura?
Lobelia: Cherry-girl? She's nothing compared to Sister Superior.
Glycine: How much have you had, Lobelia?
Lobelia: Just enough to give me a slight advantage if you try to outdrink me.
Kanna: I'll take you on that challenge. Whaddaya say, snake-woman, can I outdrink her or not?
Sumire: I'm no primate researcher, so I have no ideas on the drinking capability of you and your kind.
Orihime: 5000 lira on the European convict!
Leni: Double that on Kanna. She's dry as a bone she ought to have no problems winning.
Hanabi: We should stop them, Sakura. You don't want to be associated with Lobelia when she goes over the brim.
Sakura: Does she turn louder? More vulgar? More shocking?
Hanabi: How shocking does ripping her coat and shirt off, with all these men around, sound to you?
Sakura: HOEEEEEEEEE-!(Turns red and faints.)
Erica: Sakura, snap out of it! You don't have a perverted cousin that likes to take videos of whatever you do, for God's sake.
Sakura: I don't?
Erica: Yes! You're no magical girl, just as I'm no damsel in distress! Wrong show!!
Ichiro: (Waking up from his faint.) More like ditzes in distress.
A hush falls over the table, nay, around the whole Main Lounge.
Sakura: (Eyes blazing.) I heard that.
Erica: (Eyes glowing.) And so did I.
Ichiro: Uh, Ayame-san, does the DCA have any available units?
Ayame: No, afraid not. (Smiles sweetly.)
Ichiro: I'm dead, aren't I?
Kaede: Dear, whatever gave you that idea? Are you turning psychic as well?
Kohran: You might actually give Iris some competition.
Iris: Wai-!! Onii-chan is psychic too! Then we can get married and have lots of psychic children!
Maria: I know where this is heading. (Proceeds to do some vodka shots to knock herself out.) Hey Carlini, beat this!
So, as a three-way drinking match ensued between Kanna, Lobelia and Maria, the remaining members of the Kagekidan split up between trying to kill Ichiro and Iris. The noise level in the Main Lounge is restored, and the party proceeded as before.
Jemu: May I have your attention please?
Tetsuya Tsurugi: What, you're gonna make the real super robot pilots stand up?
Banjo Haran: Unfair, I just got comfortable here!
Duke Fleed: How come I didn't get mentioned in the royalty crack earlier?
Maria Grace Fleed: And me as well?
Duke: Yeah, and my sister too?
Evang: Don't blame us, blame the kid with glasses and camera!
Kyouko: (Seated beside Kaname.) Huh? What did I do?
Kaname: He's probably talking about Shinji.
NGE Shinji: I what?!! I did nothing of the sort!!!
Jemu: We now come to the part called "Singing for your supper." Here's how it works. Due to a foiled assassination attempt, we only have a limited amount of non-poisoned food to pass around. (Waits for the murmurs to subside.) So, we have decided to feed only those characters that perform for their dinner. You can sing, dance, do whatever you think will entertain the rest of us, or else you starve to death. That will be all. Let the performances begin!
A riot nearly broke out, as first the assembled guests tried to murder their hosts and hostesses, and when that failed, as they tried to figure out who would do what. Kaji was on hand, armed with a logbook and a pen, ready to take on the mob.
NGE Shinji: Kaji-san! Put me in the string orchestra!
Kaji: You'll play for whatever these other people decide to do?
Asuka: Pretty smart idea, isn't it? I thought of it.
Touji: I'll go percussion, myself.
Rei: Have you had formal training?
Touji: How hard can it be to pound some taut membranes?
Asuka: Put all of us pilots in the orchsestra! Even wonder girl!
Kensuke: I'll capture the whole thing on video!
FMP Shinji: I'll take polaroids!!!
Kyouko: Nah, digital is better!!!
Kaji: No need to fight kiddies. More is better, I say.
Kurz: Trick shooting counts as a talent, right?
Kaji: Sure. It's better than what these newtypes will be doing.
Sousuke: What's that?
Kaji: They'll be having a spoon-bending competition. What will you be doing?
Sousuke: I'll, uh-
Kaname: I can sing and dance.
Sousuke: I'll, uh-
Tessa: Me too. Maybe we can duet, see who the crowd likes better?
Sousuke: I'll, uh-
Kaname: Splendid idea.
Sousuke: That's it! I'll do a skit, "How Not to Impress Women."
Kaji: Too easy. Sorry, I can't accept it.
Sousuke: Damn.
Kurz: What if you be my target- I mean assistant- for my trick shooting?
Sousuke: I have it. I'll play around with a soccer ball for ten minutes.
Kaji: That's it?
Sousuke: In the Arbalest.
Kaji: I see. Alright, I'll allow it. And you, miss?
Melissa: I'm afraid my... special talents... aren't for public viewing. But just for you, maybe I can-
Kaji: Nice try lady. Misato already tried that line, and my answer is still no.
Kurz: Why don't you parade down a walkway in your lingerie?
Sousuke: Yeah, you'd be a hit with all the men in here.
Kaname: Spoken like a true underwear thief.
Kaji: That's an idea! (Producing a megaphone.) Attention ladies! If you can't think of any talent to show, why not sign up for the lingerie show? Guaranteed food tickets, limited offer only!
Cheers from the men and glasses from the women rained on Kaji.
Kaji: Ouch. That's bad. Oh well, if you don't want that, you can always join the wet T-shirt/camisole contest...
Cheers from the men and glasses from the women rained on Kaji. Again.
Kaji: I ought to demand hazard pay for this. But I won't! There's also an alcohol endurance contest, where we detox you of all chemicals before seeing how much booze you can handle. Open to both genders!!!
Jemu: That's actually a smart idea. If they get blasted with booze, they won't be in the mood to eat anymore, which means more for everyone else.
Tsukumo: With your permission, I'd like to do the enlistment guy thing as well.
Jemu: Go ahead. Kaji's currently in publicity stunt mode right now. I'm counting on you.
Tsukumo: Enlistment #2 here! No talent you can think of? Take the Triple Gekiganger Challenge!
Super Robot Pilots: What's that?
Tsukumo: All you have to do is to knock down these three Gekigan types piloted by me, Tsukiomi-san, and Saburota-san!
Tsukiomi Genichiro: What am I doing here?
Saburota Takasugi: Same thing as I am, bit roles. It's been a while since I've sat in one of these.
Genichiro: You're a turncoat as well? Give it up here!!
Meanwhile, the pilots took a really good look at the Gekigan-types. Immediately, some pilots' Kiryoku jumped to 115.
Ryoma: Sign me up!
Hayato: Me too!!
Musashi: Count me in!
Tsukumo: Classic Getter team, OK. Anyone else.
Tetsuya: Me. I want in.
Tsukumo: Great Mazinger. Hmm.
Back to Kaji. Despite initial protests, a surprising amount of women signed up for the "Wet Lingerie Show/Contest."
Bright: I shudder to think of it. (Shudders.)
Kane: What, they put on a lingerie show-
Light: Then drench the models later with booze?
Tapp: Sounds good to me! Hey, Miz Noin, whatcha gonna be doing?
Noin: The question is what will you three be doing?
Kane: We'll be posing as some sort of rock group.
Light: Yeah. Metal Armor D. How does that grab you?
Noin: It doesn't.
Tapp: Yeah? And what about you, Ms. High-and-Mighty Instructor?
Noin: Isn't it obvious? (Attaching herself to Zechs' arm.) We'll waltz. (Moves away.)
Jamil: You're going to have some rather intersting competition tonight, D-Team.
Kane: And you are?
Jamil: Jamil Neate. Newtype, at your service.
Tapp: Competition from who?
Jamil: From the Nadesico trio. Call themselves the Buttercups.
Light: Bring 'em on. Anyone cute, by the way?
Jamil: Not cute. Attractive.
Tapp: What will you be performing, Mr. Newtype?
Kane: Bend some spoons?
Jamil: No. I'll be putting on a light show with Garrod and Tifa. Roy, Witz, and Enil are going to do a comedy act. Sara and Tonya, much to my shame, will be on the meat market.
Bright: Joining the wet contest, eh? At least your series-mates are funny. Mine have no imagination. Spoon-bending marathon? Jeez.
Sariko: I've read something that in the olden times, they had tournaments whenever they had parties. The men would sign up for various events, their names displayed on lists for all to see.
Sada: That's where the term 'the lists' originated, right?
Evang: (Floating up to the raised table where the two were conversing.) Boy, that slipped out of control.
Sada: What did?
Evang: We meant it to be a parody of the Miss Nadesico episode or something.
Sariko: And now it's back in the 16th century?
Evang: You said it. We got singers, dancers, musicians, acrobats, comedies, even mecha-style jousts!
Sariko: All this for me? I'm flattered. Really.
Jemu: (Pulling himself up.) Well, it's not everyday we welcome two new residents here.
Sariko: So, when can I have my backstory? You know, what I can do, how I came to be, etc.
Evang: Maybe next episode, or maybe the Halloween episode. Wanna see the partial lists?
Sada: Sure.
THE LISTS
Event: Triple Gekiganger Challenge Free-for-All
Participants:
Getter Robo Team "'Mitsu no kokoro o hitotsu ni awase' is a direct rip-off! Die Gekiganger!"
Great Mazinger (Tetsuya Tsurugi) "Just look at us! Clone!!!"
Mazinger Z (Kouji Kabuto) "This looks like fun."
Zambot Team "It's one thing to steal 3 no mecha ga hitotsu ni na hate, but even the 3? Grow up!"
Daitarn 3 (Banjo Haran, fully recovered) "Only I can be brought down by bad fish! I alone!"
Daimos (Kazuya Ryuuzaki) "Rubber-armor enemies? I'll show you!!!"
Combattler Team: "'Jetto! Marin! Tanku! Are go!?' Go to hell!"
Voltes Team: "The sword! The sword! And we don't mean Ken Tenkuu!"
Rules: Everyone starts at 130 Kiryoku. No Conformal Parts allowed. No seishin allowed. Remaining unit(s) after the 3 Gekigan-types fall wins.
Event: Wet Lingerie Show
Participants:
Misato Katsuragi "At least it's beer they'll pour over you."
Ritsuko Akagi "I haven't been in one of these since college."
Ines Fressange "I've done this before, I think."
Melissa Mao "Somehow I get the feeling this isn't going to be the first time someone stared at me in my underwear."
Sara and Tonya (aka Freeden bridge bunnies) "We'll show those Ms. Nadesico participants!"
Event: Cotillion (DEATH TO YAOI PAIRINGS!!!)
Participants:
Heero & Relena "I wanna kill myself." "There, there, you souldn't say such things."
Duo & Hilde "You know how to waltz, Hilde?" "No." "Good." "Huh?"
Wufei & Sally "If I hear the word justice during this dance I will knee your groin." "I hear you, woman."
Trowa/Triton & Catherine "It feels odd, dancing with my sister." "We're not the only siblings here, see below." "Where's Quatre, sis?" "He'll be playing in the orchestra." "Ok, then."
Milliardo & Lucrezia "Are we the only ones whose names look old?" "Who are you calling old?" PINCH. "Ow. Sorry. I meant mature."
Duke and Maria Grace "So annoying when there's another Maria in the house, onii-chan." "Just as well." "What are you talking about?" "I honestly don't know."
Richter & Erica "So annoying when there's another Erica in the house, onii-chan." "Especially if she's as ditzy as you are." [Insert Hissatsu! Reppu Seiken Zuki animation here.] "Ouch!" "I learned some things from my husband."
Event: Battle of the Bands
Participants:
Metal Armor D (aka Dragonar Team)
The Buttercups (aka Ryoko from Nadesico, Izumi, Hikaru from Nadesico)
Ai no Chikara (aka Dancougar Team)
Akira and the Coplanders "I've been saving my voice for good reason." "So that's why you haven't said a word throughout this shit." "Let's blow this place away!"
Performances:
Spectacular Light Show by Jamil, Garrod, Tifa, and the G-Bits.
2 Guys, a Girl, and a Mobile Suit: a stand-up act by Witz, Roy, and Enil
Hyper Aura Knife Infommercial by The Seisenshi
Mr. Newtype dance number by Amuro, Camille, Char/Quatro, Judo, Seabook.
Kaji: There's more to come, but the author's out of ideas.
Tsukumo: Isn't that an oxymoron?
Gai: We still haven't seen what the Sakura Taisen cast are going to perform.
Ayame: Whatever it is, it's bound to be a good show.
Kaji: Will the author ever get tired of sending all available members to destroy Ichiro?
Gai: I think he's a member of the Ohgami-Must-Die club.
Tsukumo: Ichiro should be part of the Mr. Newtype performance, then.
Ayame: He'd do better as a solo act, singing 'To all the girls I've fooled before...'
Kaji: You know the girls very well, don't you, Ayame-san?
Ayame: Just the original team, yes.
Kaji: Could you persuade them to sing, "Hopelessly trying to win you'?
Ayame: How does that song go?
Tsukumo: 'Guess mine is not the first heart broken..."
Ayame: A fitting song for my baby sister and her friends, but no. It hits too close to home, you see.
3 Gunned Men: Ooooohhh.
Ayame: I meant that it crushes me to think of my sister as having fallen for that bounder!
Gai: Um, so, what do you think your sister will perform?
Ayame: She might sing. She's got a pretty good voice, actually.
Kaji: I see. (Making a note on his logbook.)
Ayame: I'm curious about the Parisiennes, though.
Kaji: I hope they dance can-can!
At mention of the kinky dance, the members of the Paris Hanagumi teleport in around Kaji, beat him silly, then teleport back into the crowd.
Kaji: Did someone get the number of that N2 mine that whapped me?
Ayame: What in the world just happened?
Gai: It's a cyclic lexically activated contingency transportation event.
Ayame: Huh? It happened in a flash...
Tsukumo: Let me call Dr. Ines to explain.
Ines: (Suddenly appearing.) This is a rather uncomfortable time for such an explanation, Shiratori-san, considering my state of dress.
Ayame: Or undress.
Gai: What are you wearing! Or, what aren't you wearing!
Ines: Let me explain. I was trying out the things I'm supposed to model later on in the night when all of a sudden I heard someone say the word explain. So I immediately got transported into the space-time coordinates nearest to the person who said it.
Ayame: Ahh. So, for the Paris Hanagumi, the magic word is "can-can"?
No response.
Ines: Theirs might be more complex forms of the phemomenon. Perhaps it is also gender-sensitive for them. Gai, would you like to aid in the advancement of science? I need an intrepid assistant.
Gai: Not to worry, doctor. What is it you require?
Ines: What's the last thing Kaji said before the Paris Hanagumi knocked him silly?
Gai: He said he wanted the Paris Hanagumi to perform can-can, I think-
At mention of the kinky dance, the members of the Paris Hanagumi teleported in around Gai, beat him silly, then teleported back into the crowd.
Tsukumo: Scary shit. I think I'll go sit with Minato for a while.
Ayame: You mean you want to sit near your sister and make sure that Jun doesn't pull any fast ones when you're not looking.
Tsukumo: I'm not worried about him, or my sister.
Ayame: Don't pretend, Tsukumo. I've a younger sister too. I know what I'm talking about.
Tsukumo: You don't know Jun, then. He's so reverse of Ohgami that- hey, how did you know about my sister? I never told you about her yet!
Ayame: Continuity error.
Kaji: Uhhh. Gawd. (Realigning his limbs.) That hurt a lot.
Gai: That's the last time I get taken in by a blonde in a sheer camisole. I can't even feel my legs!
Thanks to the party, no one was watching the Plot Device Indicator as it flashed out its warning with its lights that were blinking. And the lights said that multiple hammerspace/reality rifts have opened and closed six seconds apart.
Axel: How pathetic. No guards, automated sentries, no nothing.
Lamia: General, according to my readings, there is a way of taking over the station without damaging it at all.
Axel: Really? I suppose there's a sign saying "Do not pull power cord" somewhere, hmm?
Lamia: Actually, it's more like "Mind-altering chemicals stored here."
Axel: What are we waiting for? Let's go for it.
Lamia: General, look at all the mecha parked outside!
Axel: I'm sure their pilots are "parked" inside. Have the Geshpents, the Hyukkebines, and the Excellence guard our units.
Lamia: Already done sir.
Axel: Good.
Pulling out his unit's laser blade, Axel cut a hole in the SpaceBar's hull. Klaxons went off all over the station, but since everybody was either having too much fun or drunk, nobody gave a damn. Axel pulled on his spacesuit and opened his cockpit. Lamia did the same.
Axel: I hope you passed your infiltration/hihacking training, doll.
Lamia: I was not trained, sir, the knowledge was hardwired into my brain.
Axel: Good. Because I didn't.
Lamia: General!
Axel: Ya-hooooo!
With a whoop, Axel propelled himself in.
Lamia: Lemon-sama, he doesn't need an assistant, he needs a baby-sitter.
Resigned to making sure that they both came back alive, she went in after him. Soon they found themselves in a lab of sorts.
Axel: (Squinting at the labeled beakers and test tubes.) Aha!
Lamia: What is it, General? What did you find!
Axel held up a stoppered beaker. It was labeled in large letters as "Formula H-XXX-R18NC17." In slightly smaller font was written: "Do not allow inhalation by anime pilots and their girlfriends." At least, that's what Axel read in the gloom. He quickly pocketed it, and a second container of the same, just to be sure.
Axel: I have the agent.
Lamia: Are we going to their ventilation main and pipe it in to each room?
Axel: No, we might not have enough to do so.
Lamia: Then again, we might.
Axel: Where's the glory in that?
Lamia: What do you want to do, then?
Axel: (Pulls out a palmtop.) According to the readings, they're all in one room. We go there, demand their surrender, or else I expose them to this.
Lamia: That's insane! You're insane!
Axel: (Grabbing Lamia's chin and pulling her in for a quick peck to the lips.) Damn, and you're so cute. Too cute, especially when you get uppity.
Come on, doll, we have a station to hijack.
Lamia: (Stunned.) ...
Axel: (Pulling her along.) Come now, no sense wasting time and opportunity.
Grabbing a gas mask for himself, because he didn't think his android sidekick needed it, Axel led Lamia to what his palmtop told him was the gathering point for the whole Earthian Super Robot Force.
Axel: Ready?
Lamia: If I said no, will it stop you?
Axel: What do you think? (Readies his foot.)
Lamia: The doors slide open when someone moves near them. (Demonstrates the fact.) See?
Axel: So much for the element of surprise.
TO BE CONTINUED...
