Spacebar Second Stage

by Jemu Nekketsu

Episode V: V is for Victory!

MAIN LOUNGE...

Everyone is seated on a round table, looking for all the world like the knights of yore.

Jemu: Spacebar headcount!!!

Evang: One.

Kaji: Two.

Gai: SURIIII!!!

BOS: Uh, do I count as a fourth?

Ayame: Five.

Sariko: Six.

Sada-chan: Seven.

Axel: Eight. And no one sing any Spanish/Filipino counting songs or else...

Lamia: Nine, and Jemu-san makes the tenth.

Tsukumo: Better make that eleven.

Jemu: This is going to be nuts. Alright, I now bring this episode into order. BOS, cue in the music please.

[Insert cheesy late night comedy/talk show music here.]

Evang: Hello everyone! Welcome to another edition of the How and Why and Whatever of the Spacebar.

Jemu: Tonight we shall endeavor to answer any questions you might have about the recent and not-so-recent episodes of the story.

Evang: So pick up those phones and fire up those computers! Our, um, friendly AI operator is standing by. Call 1-800-BOGUS or drop us a line at imaginary@notreal.com.

BOS: We have our first caller already. Caller #1, you're on!

SRW Freak: Yeah, I'd like to know how Lamia really became human, like, that'd be really cool and stuff.

Evang: Lamia, care to answer that?

Lamia: Like I said, it was after finishing the shoot for the RR and SR endings of SRW A, I went to this spa that advertised "We'll make you feel alive again!" So I called them up, and asked if they could make someone who was never alive in the first place feel alive as well, and they said it was no problem. I mean, how was I supposed to know what kind of rejuvenation techniques they'd be using?

Jemu: So what did you undergo? Mud baths or something?

Lamia: Weird shit. Getter sen tanning lamps, LCL soaking tubs, and some other things I really didn't understand. They even made me sit through a lot of bad puns they caught on tape, so that I could supposedly develop a sense of humor.

Evang: O-kay. I have an SMS question, this one for Axel. What's really your personality: the tight-assed military commander guy who's in it for the chicks and kicks, or the amnesiac, good-natured playboy?

Axel: Umm, bank?

BOS: This isn't the Frailest Link, you know!

Jemu: I've got a text question too. Dear Spaceguys, what's the difference between Sariko and Sada-chan?

Sada-chan: I'm related to the vengeful bitch of the cursed videotape. I can get to any person that's watching a monitor or screen, or who lives near a deep well. You know what happens after that.

Sariko: I'm a white-haired demoness who was once a woman who lived during the 1930s to 1940s. I was so pissed off waiting for my fiance to come home that I turned into a blood-drinking monster.

BOS: And the moral of the story is... never keep women waiting. We'll be back after these commercial breaks. Stay tuned.

COMMERCIAL #1

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END COMMERCIAL #1

COMMERCIAL #2

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END COMMERCIAL #2

COMMERCIAL #3

Masked Villain: Hahaha! I have destroyed your Prototype Robot! Now, you face your doom!

CUT SCENE

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THIS IS A PAID AD BY--

BOS: Now, back to our regular programming.

Jemu: Yes, we have a live caller. Hello?

Caller #2: What are Axel and Lamia doing there? I mean, is the Spacebar turning into a magnet for game characters?

Evang: Maybe.

Caller #2: I mean, you have robot, strategy, dating, and even ecchi game characters there! It's like a geek haven in there!

Jemu: BOS?

BOS: Already got a fix on him. Particle cannon, activated.

Static fills the air as Caller #2 and the city block he's in is vaporized.

Evang: You don't have to be so touchy, you know. I mean, let's face it, the place might be mistaken for a geek haven at first glance.

Jemu: Yeah? How?

Evang: You've got Sariko here, for starters.

Sariko: Eh?

Evang: Then we have Lamia AND Axel-

Lamia: I'm geek fantasy material?

Axel: I'm geek fantasy material!?

BOTH: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!

Evang: Let's not forget Ayame-san.

Ayame: Huh? Why me? Does this uniform look sexy to you?

Jemu: Different strokes for different folks.

Kaji: There is a crowd out there that digs domineering women-

Ayame: You're calling me domineering?

Kaji: Oops! Uh, dominant- no that's not right, either.

Gai: Aggressive! That's the term!

Tsukumo: The politically correct term would be a "take-charge" woman.

Ayame: Surely you exaggerate the numbers.

BOS: Maybe. But then again, how many people have played Sakura Taisen when it was still just ST1? Specifically, those that have reached the last stages and have encountered your "evil" form?

Ayame: Uhm, no comment.

Jemu: IIRC, that succubus/dominatrix costume looked real good on you.

Ayame: But it would look better on the floor, is that it? (Battle aura begins to shimmer around her.)

Evang: We'll pause for a few more commercials so that the kiddies wouldn't see the blood and gore.

[INSERT BLOOD AND GORE HERE.]

Al: Haha! Take that, George and Bill, I actually get mentioned here. Hey, why is everything covered in blood?

Al gets caught in an energy blast meant for Jemu and is instantly annihilated, much to the delight of some sectors.

* * * * * *

After a few minutes of frantic dodging, everything settled down. The Main Lounge resembled a fish market, what with all the people lying around in various positions after surviving Ayame's rampage. It is this scene that greets a certain spiky-haired young man upon entering the swinging doors of the Spacebar, which meant he came from an Earth adjunct of the station.

Tenchi: What the devil happened here?

At the mention of the word 'devil', the Spacebar crew save for Ayame let out a collective shout and dove for cover.

Tenchi: (blinks) Uh, excuse me, ma'am, what just happened here?

Ayame: Um. (sweatdrops) Rather long story, I'm afraid. What brings you here to the Spacebar?

Tenchi: The Spacebar? I- I think I should remember the place, but I'm not sure why...

Jemu: (Crawling out from under a table.) Probably because you've been here before, like in a later episode of the first season?

Tenchi: My memory is hazy, but I seem to remember almost getting mobbed, then getting saved by a well.

Sada: (doing her famous well-trick) Kinda like this?

Tenchi: Yeah! Hey, you're the lady that saved me! I remember you! Thanks again, onee-san!

The beleaguered crew crawl out of their respective foxholes and set themselves to rights, each one heaving a sigh of relief.

Evang: Hello. We meet again, Masaki Tenchi. So glad we could have you as a target- er, a guest again.

Tenchi: Your're not going to do the Shinji thing with me, are you? 'Cause I gotta tell you, I don't dig older women, and I don't dig making out with my relatives either.

Jemu: Hey, Three Gunned Men, disperse, shoo, skedaddle, I don't care what you do, just get outta here.

Ayame: Do you want me gone too?

Jemu: Nah, you can stay, Ayame. We need someone pretty to look at-

Sariko: And it's certainly not these three.

The 3GM head for the door, mumbling good-naturedly about being chased out of the Main Lounge. Their voices float back in, amplified by the station's corridors, during the seconds that it takes them to clear the doorway.

Tsukumo: Since when did Sariko start finishing Jemu's sentences for him?

Kaji: I hear that the Masaki kid wields a mean light saber. I wonder...

Gai: Really? Is it anything like Gekigan Sword? Can he do Blazing Slash?

Evang: So. No old women, no relatives. How about space-alloy handcuffs?

Tenchi: (Thinks for a while before blurting out) HEY!!!

Jemu: So what's it gonna be?

Tenchi: It's still no!

Evang: (Reaches into his robes) Shit, you're no fun, chump. You ought to broaden your horizons, experience new things, to live a full life.

Tenchi: Oh yeah? How would you like to screw your centuries-old grandmother?

Jemu: Hey, if she looks anything like YOUR grandmothers, I would.

Evang: I for one appreciate their ageless appearance. Both look awesome, for their advanced years.

Tenchi: You're a couple of perverts.

Evang: We are, eh? TAKE THIS!!!

Evang takes his hand out of his robes, and flings a handful of powder at Tenchi's face. Tenchi tries to prevent the powder from entering his orifices and cursing at the same time, and ends up choking on more of the stuff. Jemu takes a minifan and clears some of the air.

Tenchi: What the hell were you trying to do, kill me?

Evang: Indirectly.

Tenchi: What the hell does that mean? What was that stuff?

Evang: It's the improved formula of my Horny Triple Mega Lemon dust. Congratulations, it seems to be working to plan, so far.

Sariko: How is it supposed to work?

Evang: Well, it's formulated to give men an extra three inches, triple their stamina and libido, and reduce their wait time between ejaculations to one-third of their normal.

Tenchi: Huh. No shit? Sorry to disappoint you, but I don't feel any change at all.

Evang: It only triggers when the victims catch sight of a female from their respective series.

Jemu: So that means, you can't go home.

Tenchi: You expect me to believe this?

BOS: We don't. So we'll give you clinical proof.

A body-length diagnostic wireframe is brought up, with data streaming every second in tune with Tenchi's body rhythm.

Tenchi: See, it's normal.

Evang: If you'll note, your blood chemistry shows a marked increase in citric acid content. Proof that you've ingested the drug.

Tenchi: But not proof that it will work.

Jemu: So, you wouldn't mind if I do this? (Throws a silver disc to the floor, which slides to a stop near Tenchi.)

Tenchi: What's that supposed to be?

Jemu: It's a portable OAHD interface. All I need is to speak a command phrase and the character's name, and he/she will appear.

Evang: So what happened to your gating magic?

Jemu: What gating magic?

Tenchi: I've still to see if all this stuff works.

Jemu: Okay. Yosho, come forth!

A portal opened in the air six feet above the disc, and Tenchi's grandfather drops down, broom in hand. He lands in a fighter's crouch, holding the cleaning implement like a polearm.

Yosho: Tenchi? What is the meaning of this? I'm cleaning the shrine walk, and the next thing I know, here I am.

Tenchi: Truth be told, I don't know myself, Gramps.

Yosho: This looks like a friendly place, though. (Notes Sada-chan and Sariko.) Good looking-people too, I might add.

To everyone's surprise, the two females turned red.

Jemu: Shucks. Such praise from a discerning man.

Evang: Thanks, mister.

Tenchi: He wasn't talking about you perverts.

Evang: You're mean.

Jemu: But I'm meaner! Ryoko, appear!

A dripping, butt-naked woman with short blue hair falls from the portal, landing smack dab on Tenchi's grandfather.

Ryoko: What the hell- IT'S YOU TWO AGAIN! I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN! BLOODY PERVERTS!

Sada-chan: Today's episode is brought to you by the number 5 and the word "pervert."

Tenchi: (Flatly) That's not Ryoko.

Yosho: Nope, definitely not her.

Ryoko: Who the hell are you two? Let me guess: friends of theirs? Disciples?

Evang: Dude, wrong Ryoko. (Grins salaciously.)

Jemu: I can see that. (Grins salaciously.)

Ryoko: Ecchi! (Covering herself with her hands.)

Evang: Here's a coin.

Jemu: Flip it. Heads, same name, tails, same seiyuu.

With a flick of his thumb, Evang sends the coin spinning in the air. It lands on the floor rolls toward Ryoko (now covered with the kind old man's overcoat) and falls to its side after hitting her bare foot. Ayame gets up from her stool and looks at the coin.

Ayame: Tails!

[INSERT CRACK OF DOOM, OR LOUD, ROLLING THUNDER HERE.]

Ryoko: (In clipped tones.) What- exactly- does- that- mean?

BOS: It means that you're going to transform into another one of your voice-acting roles.

Ryoko: Really.

BOS: They're hoping it's the wide-eyed, innocent, magical girl role.

Ryoko: (Muttering.) Magical girl, huh? I'll give them magical girl.

Ryoko begins to glow, nay, begins to transform into light, reminiscent of magical girl show transformation sequences. Yes, those that take forever to finish. Kinda like the Macross' modular transformation. Oh, the intense light of the transformation blinds our bunch of voyeurs as well.

Voice: All right, you guys can look now.

Jemu: This is going to be neat.

Evang: And when Tenchi sees this- hehe- heeeh?!

Tenchi: Gramps, cover my eyes!

Yosho: Okay, (puts his hands over Tenchi's eyes) but don't cover mine.

Jemu and Evang gasp as they behold who Subaru Ryoko has transformed into.

Jemu: Seems like we weren't on the same wavelength either.

Shinguji Sakura: Whatever gave you that idea?

Evang: Could be that sword you've got out of its scabbard.

Sakura: This? (Lifts the Arataka.) I only bring it out when I need to slice some perverts.

In moments of panic and impending doom, it is natural for most people to slip back into their native dialect. Just like now.

Jemu: Naiisip mo ba ang naiisip ko, Evang?

Evang: Oo, naiisip ko nga, Jemu!

Jemu: Sabay tayo, Evang!

Evang: Sige, Jemu!

BOTH: Isa, dalawa, TAKBO!!!

The two take off, samurai chick in hot pursuit.

Jemu: Where's that dark-haired guy with woman problems when you need him?

Evang: Which one? There's a lot of them!

Sakura: DIE!!!

A pink energy blast makes a hole in the wall in front of them, which the mages dive through. Sakura follows them in, readying her sword for another attack.

Jemu: Which one? The one with spiky hair, that's who!

Evang: (Sarcastic.) Wow, that so narrows down the field.

Sakura: Amakakeru ryu no HIRAMEKI!

Jemu: What the hell? [Does the world-renowned Ninja Log Substitution Trick (TM) and the poor log is cut in half.]

Sakura: Unfair! Fight like a man!

Jemu: (Hiding somewhere) I am! Like a cowardly man!

Evang: I didn't know you could do that.

Sakura: YOU!!!

Evang: EEEP!

Sakura: TENKU-KEN! AND NOT THE GEKIGANGER PILOT!

Elsewhere on the Spacebar at the exact same moment.

Kaji: Hey, Shiratori, your turn to plop a card.

Gai: Are you okay? Are you having a relapse of getting shot?

Tsukumo: Gai, did you feel someone call you just a while ago?

Gai: Huh? Call me?

Tsukumo: Nevermind, then.

Kaji: (Taking a puff of his cigarette.) Wow, this sure is good leaf. I can see dead people. Woot!

(Gai and Tsukumo throw their cards at Kaji.)

Back at the Main Louunge.

[AUDIO ONLY]

Sada-chan: Ooooohhhhh, Tenchi!!!

Sariko: I've missed this for quite some time! You have very good technique, young man.

Tenchi: All I know, I learned from my grandfather.

Yosho: Heh! You can say it's a tried and tested skill from the Jurai book of bedroom arts.

Ayame: Ummmmm, ahhhhhhhhhn! I can testify to that.

What the hell? What IS going on in the Spacebar's Main Lounge? BOS? What's going on?

BOS: No, I don't want to know.

But we need to see! Go take a lok and tell us! Otherwise we'll think that wonderfully ecchi stuff is happening inside!

BOS: NO! I don't wanna see!

[INSERT SOUND: WOMEN GROANING AND MOANING OUT TENCHI'S AND YOSHO'S NAMES.]

Back to the action. No, the REAL action! Jemu and Evang are still in the running. Literally. They're trying to avoid getting slashed to ribbons while navigating rush hour Earth traffic. (It seems that the hole in the wall they jumped through opened into an Earth adjunct.)

Evang: Do something! She's almost upon us!

Jemu: Like what?

Evang: Distract her or something! Can you summon a horde of die-hard Motoko fanboys? You know, you could tell them, "Look, it's a Motoko-sama wannabe!"

Jemu: Nope.

Evang: Damn!

Sakura: How dare you mention that slut's name in my presence?! CHODENJI BALL!

The yellow ball of super electromagnetic energy hurtles toward the two. In response, they take to the air, and the ball levels a skyscraper. The people went into a panic, and the traffic got worse.

Jemu: Did you see that? That was no chodenji ball!

Evang: More like a stoner sunshine, if you ask me.

Jemu: Where the hell has she been getting all her moves?

Evang: I sure would like to know. Meanwhile, we better stop her from blowing up this city, whichever one this is.

Sakura: (Raises her sword to the sky.) FLAME CROSS ATTACK!

The Arataka bursts into flame. Sakura begins running toward the hovering Spacebar owners.

Evang: Did she just scream "Flame Cross Attack?" I thought her family was Shinto?

Jemu: Umm...

Evang: What do you mean umm??? Do something!!!

Jemu: (Pulls out another silver disc.) Here goes nothing.

Attaining enough momentum, Sakura jumps from car to truck to post and to way above the hovering wizards.

Sakura: FLAME CROSS SLASH ATTACK!!!

Jemu: (Aims a face of the disc at the incoming Sakura.) KAMUHIA!!! Ohgami Ichiro!!!

With animation directly reminiscent of the unpromoted Akashik Buster from Lord of Elemental, Ichiro Ohgami hurtles from the portal generated by the portable OAHD interface. It's like, he shot out from the disc like a dart from a blowgun. He doesn't do so quietly, though.

Ichiro: What the HEEEEEEELLLLLLL!!! AAAAACKK!! Sakura!!?

Sakura: Ohgami-san-

{SPLATT!!!} [Insert freefall sound effects here. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE- EEEEEEEEEE....]

Evang: Anime Physics On!

Thanks to Evang's reality alteration spell, the unlucky couple hits the road with nothing to show for it but a dust cloud, not even a crater, and some dusty faces.

Jemu: (Using a megaphone.) WAKE UP YOU TWO!!!

Sakura: Hunh-unnnh.

Ohgami: My legs, I can't feel my legs...

Jemu: OF COURSE YOU CAN'T FEEL YOUR LEGS, YOU'VE GOT SAKURA SITTING ON YOUR THIGHS, YOU MANIAC!

Ohagmi: I DO?!

Sakura: I am? (looks down to see for herself) I AM!!!

Evang: Look, that's a peeping-tom pedophile that's got you riding him astride, Shinguji-san!

At the mention of Sakura's surname, the crowd begins muttering about downfall of prodigious families, national shame, and references to the Paris Hilton video. You can guess pretty much what happened afterwards. Thus the two wizards begin to fly back home, Ohagmi's death scream (not Sailor Pluto's attack) reaching them.

Ohgami: I'll get you someday for this you bastards! OW! Stop it, Saku-chan- OW!!! OK, I won't call you Saku-chan anymore just let go of the family heirloom now- AAAAAAAHHHH!!!

Jemu: Let's head back to the Spacebar.

Evang: What's gonna happen to this place? I mean, they just lost a skyscraper from that Stoner Ball earlier, right?

Jemu: You got a point. We need to detox the Arataka before Sakura discovers the full extent of its mutation and becomes really creative.

Evang: Destructive, you mean.

Jemu: In her case, for this scenario, both are the same.

Jemu pulls out a combo screamer-grappler and aims for the Arataka. The claws grasp the blade, and high-frequency sound waves stream out of the upper part of the device, stunning Sakura and the unfortunate Ohgami. A press of a switch, and the Arataka is reeled in to Jemu.

Evang: I'll save us some time and you some fuel by casting a Spell of Return.

Jemu: (Taking the Arataka by the hilt.) So do it already.

Evang: Done. We're at my laboratory, my lair, now.

Jemu: Now that's what I call fast effect. So fast, the narrator didn't even get a chance to describe it.

Evang: How did you know that stuff anout detoxing the sword earlier?

Jemu: I didn't.

Evang: So what was all that back there?

Jemu: I don't honestly know. Ever heard the saying, "The truth is out there?"

[INSERT X-FILES THEME HERE.]

Evang: That was scary.

Jemu: I'm with you on that.

BOS: You two are finally back! You have to stop the horror! The HORROR!!!

Evang: Calm down. What horror?

BOS: I mean this! Roll VTR!!!

[AUDIO ONLY]

Sada-chan: Ooooohhhhh, Tenchi!!!

Sariko: I've missed this for quite some time! You have very good technique, young man.

Tenchi: All I know, I learned from my grandfather.

Yosho: Heh! You can say it's a tried and tested skill from the Jurai book of bedroom arts.

Ayame: Ummmmm, ahhhhhhhhhn! I can testify to that.

Lamia: Look, Axel, they've got their hands all over their bodies.

Axel: Jealous?

Lamia: A little.

Axel: Here's a little something they don't teach ordinary soldiers in boot camp. Let me just take all these annoying clothes off...

[EOF]

Jemu: Not without us, they won't!

BOS: They've been at it since you and Sakura went!

Jemu: The Arataka will have to wait. Let's do some coitus interruptus!

Evang: No. Bring the sword.

Jemu: Yeah, maybe I will.

BOS: Wait for me! I have something cool to show you guys!

SCENE CHANGE: the robot parts storage room. BOS lowers himself from the ceiling, encased in a multi-sensor array that could easily be mistaken for a Real Robot head.

BOS: Begin Nodular Transformation Sequence!!!

Spare parts, extra weapons, and bits of armor begin to gather and unite under BOS's fairing in the ceiling. Some formed feet and legs; some formed arms and a torso.

BOS: And I'll form the head!!!

BOS cuts of the cabling connecting him to the ceiling and his sensor shell drops on to the assembled headless humanoid weapon. Two LEDS on the sensor pack glow as the connection between the machines was completed. Just as both wizards walk in though the sliding doors.

Evang: You look wicked, BOS.

BOS: Thanks.

Jemu: Beautiful, BOS. That heavy-weapon look is so cool. But there's something wrong here. (Approaches BOS.)

BOS: (Anxious.) What? Tell me, please? It's my first time, you see.

Jemu: BOS, what do you think is causing me to stand on the ceiling?

BOS: Um, gravity negators combined with molecular adhesion devices?

Jemu: I knew it.

In one fluid motion, Jemu decapitates BOS with the Arataka, and uses the reverse edge of the sword to set BOS's head correctly into place. The action took all of 1.1 seconds.

Evang: BOS, how do you feel now?

BOS: Great! Awesome!

Jemu: Let's give you a new name, what say you?

BOS: Yeah, let's!

Evang: How about, "BOS Robot?"



Not one second later, the most number of missiles and guns ever seen on a human-sized robot were trained on Evang. The light glinted on the gray gunmetal evilly.

Evang: What did I say?

BOS: Magkamali ka lang ng bigkas patay ka sa 'kin.

Jemu: Translated- "You exchange two consonant sounds and I kill you, fool."

Evang: Oh. OH! (Tries very hard not to laugh.)

Jemu: I know! What about, "BOS Killer?"

BOS: I can live with that. If I was alive. (Changes voice to totally cold and metallic.) Vamos a juegar, amigos.

BOS Killer stomps toward the doors.

Evang: I think BOS has been watching too many "Cyborg Assassin from the Future" lately.

Jemu: We ought to monitor his viewing habits more often.

The following sequence may contain some scenes not suitable for young or easily impressionable audiences (like sentient, learning AIs). Responsible guidance is recommended.

SCENE CHANGE: Corridor. Both mages are flattened against the wall beside the sliding doors of the Main Lounge. BOS Killer is planted squarely opposite the doors, fire ports open and various stuff poking out.

Evang: Everybody set? I've got my energy shield ready.

Jemu: Time for some gratuitous swordplay again.

Evang: On three then. One-

BOS Killer: Wait. I'm bringing up what I can sense inside.

[AUDIO ONLY]

Lamia: OOHHH!!! AAAAHHH!!! AAAAHHHHMMMM!!! UUMMMMMMH!!!

Axel: This, my dear is what is meant by "When I get my hands on you..."

Lamia: (Dreamy voice.) Oh, master.

Ayame: Are all Jurai men as good as you are, Mr. Yosho?

Yosho: Why don't you try it with my grandson and find out?

Tenchi: That's cool with me, grandpa.

Sariko: What about us, Tenchi?

Sada-chan: We want more.

Yosho: Don't worry, young ladies. Have no fear, Super Grandpa is here.

Evang: I've heard enough. One-

Jemu: Two- (Drops into a fighter's crouch.)

BOS Killer: THREE!!!

With much yelling and flashing lights, the three burst into the Main Lounge. They, of course, struck the mandatory "Charleston Angels" pose before continuing.

Evang: Nobody move!

BOS Killer: Resistance is futile!!

Jemu: We're shutting this brothel down!!!

There is a flurry of activity inside. Ayame and Sada-chan eeped and scrambled for clothes, while Axel merely shielded a naked Lamia from view with his bare back. Tenchi and Yosho merely stood up and rolled down their sleeves. Sariko just arranged herself more seductively on her mattress, prompting BOS Killer to wallop his masters back to their senses.

Jemu: You should be ashamed of yourself, old man! Having your way with these helpless, young, luscious, desirable-

Evang: AHEM!!!

Jemu: -Women! And for corrupting a minor!

Evang: We leave you for an hour to save our hides, and you turn our station into a den of flesh! Good-looking ones, I might add, but still!

Tenchi: Den of flesh?

Yosho: We were giving them massages here, you oaf! The only "den of flesh" happening here is them! (points to Axel and Lamia still going at it)

Jemu: No! I refuse to believe it! I refuse to be reasonable either! (Waves the sword about.)

BOS Killer: The discs.

Jemu: Eh?

BOS Killer: Use the discs to send Yosho away. He is the bigger threat.

Jemu: Oh, right. (Brings out a disc and aims it at Yosho.) Yosho, return!

Light pulsed from the disc, hitting Yosho. In the next instant, Yosho was gone.

Ayame: Yosho-san!

Sada-chan and Sariko: No! Not yet!

Tenchi: Grandpa! (Activates Tenchi-ken.) YAAAAAAAAA!!!!

BOS Killer lets loose a hail of bullets. Tenchi rolls underneath the deadly shower, toward Jemu with the intention of getting a slash at his feet, but is thwarted by a wall of force that knocks him back.

BOS Killer: Now, summon the green-haired girl.

Evang: And make sure it's the correct one, this time!

Jemu throws a silver disc at Tenchi's feet, and calls out a girl's name. A brilliant light comes forth from the disc, blinding everyone save the BOS Killer, who is recording all the events of this "battle." Oh, Axel and Lamia aren't blinded, but they might as well have been from the attetnion they've been giving to their surroundings.

Evang: What's happening?

Sada-chan: I swear I'll get you for this, Jemu.

Sariko: If we ever find you. Is this the way newly-introduced characters are treated here?

BOS Killer: No. You are an exception, rather than the rule.

Jemu: Is he doing her? Who came out to answer my summons?

BOS Killer: The green-haired girl. Duh.

Evang: Is he being a pedophile now?

Ayame: Oh God, not another Ohgami. Please.

Unknown metropolis jail...

Ohgami: AH-CHOO!!!

Guard: Quiet, you there.

Ohgami: Let me out of here! I'm innocent! I'm a victim!

Guard: Yeah, a victim of your uncontrollable urges. That's why you're in here, for public scandal.

Ohgami: Unfair!

Guard: Be thankful we didn't place you in the same cell with (Pauses for emphasis) her.

(Camera takes a shot of Sakura alone in another cell, facing the corner away from the audience. Zoom shot of her biting her lip, blood dripping to her fists in her lap. Her hair a this point has come undone form its ribbon, and she looks like Sadako in a pink traditional dress.)

Back at the Spacebar...

BOS Killer: Pedophilia is out of this context. Though she looks like a sixth grader, she's actually centuries old. The relevant question here is incest. Is she doing his grandfather's baby sister?

Evang: He's a grand MF!

BOS Killer: In every sense of the word.

Jemu: Wait, isn't Sasami/Tsunami also the ship's computer?

There is a pause, then several clicks as BOS Killer's guns snap into firing position.

BOS Killer: You will be- terminated! How dare you! Masaki Tenchi, die!

Sada-chan: He seems to have forgotten that it's Jemu and Evang's fault.

Sariko: Hmph. Men. And they say we women have selective memory.

Ayame: Hey! I can see again! (Sees Tenchi giving it to Tsunami.) Oh, Kami-sama, strike me blind!

Tenchi was fully aware of what was happening. He couldn't do anything about it, though. Although it was his first lay (and based on empirical evidence, it was Tsunami's first as well), his body seemed to know what to do. He tried not to feel, not to think how good it felt, how wonderful the motion and the sensation was, when all off a sudden he felt a vise on his neck and was lifted up and away from his partner in pleasure.

Tenchi: No! I'm close to my second! Please!

BOS Killer: Vile maggot! You do not deserve to even be in the presence of the fair Tsunami! Or even that of Sasami!

Tenchi: You're so right! So, can you just send me back home so I can get to do those free-loading broads? AAAAHHHHH!!! What am I saying! What have you done to me!??

Evang: So my new "medication" works, after all.

Jemu: Will it stop working in the absence of the stimulus? I wonder.

BOS Killer: I'm all for trying it. Please remove the beautiful Tsunami from this worm's presence. Send her home, if you must.

Jemu: Your request will be granted, Sir Robot. (Points to Tsunami's dazed [or is it traumatized?] form.) Return to whence you came from, your proper place, Tsunami.

Tsunami is gone in a sequence of cheesy CG disintegration effects.

Ayame: Is the Spacebar's AI always like that?

Sada-chan: Might be a signal transmission anomaly caused by a sudden increase in receptors and inter-system pathways.

Sariko: Huh?! Don't speak Elven, please.

Sada-chan: Actually, it's more of gnomish. Elven tends to be rather lyrical and is more apt to be found in texts concerned with ancient magics. And before you contend that it's Dwarven, its the gnomes who have the more mechanical bent to their nature, whereas dwarves are of a more acrchitect- mmmphpmhphpmphf?

Sariko and Ayame cover Sada-chan's mouth to stop the flow.

BOS Killer: How long did you say the effects last?

Evang: The drug? I don't know. He's the first clinical test.

Tenchi: I know I've been bad, so please, exile me.

Jemu: Okay. (Hits him in the face with a disc.)

Tenchi is gone in a sequence of cheesy CG disintegration effects.

BOS Killer: NO! He'll go after Sasami or Tsunami the first chance he gets!

Jemu: Want to prevent that?

BOS Killer: If I could I'd beam myself down there and guard her 25-8!

Jemu: Then give me a console, quick!

Sada-chan, Sariko, and Ayame crowd around to see what Jemu is typing. BOS Killer is tappping its foot impatiently, while Evang is hosing down Axel and Lamia with Water and Blizzard to cool them off.

Here's a look at what he's coding in:

#include stdio.h

#include splio.h

{Main};

chartrack = Masaki Tenchi;

chartrack = Tenchi Masaki;

chartrack = Tenchi;

chartrack = Sasami;

chartrack = Tsunami;

charxy (Masaki Tenchi, Tenchi Masaki, Tenchi)

if prox %Masaki Tenchi%&%Tenchi Masaki%&%Tenchi% @ %Sasami%&%Tsunami% 0.5

cue BMskill "Hammer_Fall" ctr charxy (Masaki Tenchi, Tenchi Masaki, Tenchi)

{End Main]

Sada-chan: Hammer_Fall?

Jemu: I could have used Funnel_At, but they do collateral damage. Hammer_Fall is much safer. Besides, who doesn't want to see Tenchi hit with a big hammer every time he's within 18 inches of Sasami?

BOS Killer: I want to see him hit with a tomahawk.

Sariko: The native American axe?

BOS Killer: No. The Shin Getter one.

Jemu: There. I've put the code into the Spacebar's attack and defense systems. When Tenchi goes close, a projected AT field in the shape of a big hammer will smack him down.

BOS Killer: BAKA!!! Then you'll smash Sasami too!

Jemu: ACK!!! On screen!!!

Screen pops up, showing Tecnhi already doing something. Er, make that someone, specifically his other grandma, proving once again that he is a grand MF.

Ayeka: Ooooohhh, Teeeeennchiiiiii!!! No, not the finger, not the finger, oh yessss! The fingerrr! Who's your granny, huh, who's your granny!!! Aaaahh!

Everyone in the Main Lounge: EEEEEEWWWWWW!!!

Axel: If you ever talk like that to me while we're at it, Lamia, I'll reprogram you to be a talking sex toy that only lives to please and obey me.

Lamia: Um, isn't that how I'm programmed already, thanks to some mind-altering drugs and your stupidity?

Axel: Oh! Whoops! I forgot.

BOS Killer: I thought horny grandmothers were just an Internet legend. Ugh.

Jemu: But thanks to her, you have time to fix my rushed coding.

BOS Killer: The silver lining, eh?

[ROLL END CREDITS!!!}



[Out-take : Available only in DVD version.]

He didn't know how, but he knew it was twelve midnight. Ichiro couldn't sleep. He felt that something very horrifying was about to happen.

He was right.

He shot up to a sitting position when he sensed a presence in the dark cell. His eyes adjusted to the faint moonlight, and he could barely make out a figure standing in his cell, near the door. Ichiro felt sweat forming on his brow, his neck, and his back, cold, chilling. The figure took a step toward him, and he had the impression of long, unbound hair.

"Sword." The familiar voice was lifeless.

"S- Sakura?"

"Sword."

"How did you get here? Your cell-"

"Sword."

She stepped into a puddle of moonlight, and the ghastly image Sakura presented froze him. What happened to her?, he thought. He willed himself to slowly get up-

Then she was upon him, her nails, bloodied from digging into her palms while she balled them into fists, her nails tore his shirt off, making some marks on his skin and causing him to swear. He grasped her arms, but she just broke his hold and made short work of his new denim trousers with the same measure of care as she did with his shirt.

"Sword!"

"Sakura, what's the matter with you! Wake up! Can anyone hear me! I need help!"

His cries echoed along the deserted hall, but went unanswered by the uniformed corpses strewn on the floor. Gritting his teeth, he tried to push her off of him, but she kept him pinned down on the cot with savage strength. "I will have your sword!" she shrieked. Her left hand left his shoulder and journeyed southward. Ichiro bucked, and she cackled, "Not yet, but soon enough." The voice was recognizably no longer Sakura's.

"Who are you? What have you done with Sakura? What do you want with us?"

"I am a mere wish-granter. This body- so young, so beautiful- it yearns for you badly. She wants this," the voice said, and Sakura's hand squeezed Ichiro's member, "Do you have the heart not to give it to her? But I already know that you want this as well, am I not right? And not just with her but with the others too. You know whom I speak of. Do not deny it!"

TO BE CONTINUED (AS ANOTHER STORY PERHAPS)