Kiss Kiss
By Lady of the Ink
Pairing: Kyou and Kagura Sohma
Fandom: Fruits Basket
Theme: #24 – Good Night
Disclaimer: I don't own Fruits Basket, but you knew that ...I hope. But I do own this story and all the twists that it takes.
Kiss Twenty-One
Unhappy Anniversary
The park was deserted, which was only to be expected at that hour of night. Most of its usual visitors were safely tucked into bed, storing up energy for the next day of play. There was solemn, almost eerie air to the area, the darkened equipment seeming to be waiting to be put to use again.
The mood was a perfect compliment to the shadowy figure that was making its way slowly across the grass. The solitary person headed towards one of the many scattered benches and took a seat. A heavy sigh drifted over the night air.
Kagura Sohma sat with her head bowed, allowing the thick silence surrounding her to seep inside. There was a slight chill to the air but she ignored it. She had come to this spot on this night for a reason and a little coldness was the last thing that would make her turn back. With the full strength of her sizable determination behind her, she would accept nothing less of herself than to accomplish her goal.
She raised her head and allowed her eyes to move over the space in front of her. To anyone else, it was just a patch of ground, one small part of a large and spacious recreation area. But to her it was so much more. Here the air had absorbed her laughter; the ground had taken in her tears. It was a living memory, holding her joy and pain, good times and bad.
This was the spot where she had played with Kyou, unknowingly beginning the chain of events that would change the way she lived and loved forever. It was here that she had first been by his side, first called him her friends and vowed to accept him, no matter what her reasons had been. This spot was the site of her life intertwining with his, a bond so complex that she knew she'd never be able to undo it.
She knew that few people would guess how closely she held those memories. Oh, they knew how she felt; she had never made a secret of that. But they would all assume that she had put those emotions aside, her maturity showing her the hopelessness of them. That was exactly what she had wanted them to think. It was an image she had labored to perfect. Better to present them a lie than to live with their well-meaning but intrusive advice if they knew the truth. Better to show them a Kagura who had learned and moved on then the real one who would garner nothing but their pity.
Even she knew how pathetic she was, how weak she was to have stopped herself from moving on. That was why she had lived as though she hadn't; as though she had truly put her past behind her where it belonged and forged forward. She had finished school, gotten a job, and even dated while wearing that carefully crafted mask. It seemed to fool everyone, becoming so second nature to her that her mind sometimes believed it, too.
But her heart . . .her heart always knew the truth, and it was weighted down by all the feelings that she repressed so carefully. It rebelled as only it could, hitting her with memories so powerful that they left her shaking and more often than not in tears. She would wake from dreams so vivid and appealing that she wished she could sleep on forever, never having to wake and leave them behind for the cold and lonely reality of her life.
Such episodes always knocked her off balance, staying with her for long days afterwards. Those were the times when the mask became the hardest to bear, feeling too heavy and confining for her to even breathe.
That was when she had made the deal with herself. She wouldn't try to always hide what she truly felt until it broke free and tore down all she had struggled to build. Instead she would choose a time to acknowledge it all, to take off the mask and breathe freely of the bittersweet truths her heart held. She would embrace her broken heart, hold tightly to the pain of sorrowful partings, and, if only for a few short hours, she would be who she really was.
It had seemed only right that the day she chose was the anniversary of the day Kyou had firmly told her to stop hoping. They had stood at this very spot; it was here that he had willingly embraced her for the last time, offering some comfort as she cried. It was the day that her heart had broken into so many pieces that she was sure it would never be whole again.
That was also when she had begun to build the façade she now wore so well. The few people who knew what had happened had offered their sympathy and understanding . . .at first. But when days turned to weeks and her depression remained all-consuming, they had started to push her towards moving on. They said she'd feel better once she got back into her life, that keeping busy would help to take her mind off it. She had known they were wrong but had given in to their urging anyway. Even if she was suffering, there was no need to worry them. It was her problem and letting it affect other people would only make her feel worse.
So she had stepped back out into the world, carefully shielding her heartache from anyone who might look closely enough to see it. It had been hard at first, but with time and practice, it had gotten easier. After several months, her mask had grown strong enough that she had even managed to face her fellow Juunishi, the ones who knew her best. She had been nervous throughout the visit, afraid that someone would be able to tell that she wasn't nearly as composed as she'd seemed.
Her confidence in her disguise was boosted when no one seemed to see anything wrong. They accepted her assurances and appearance of calm at face value and were content to believe that she'd finally started to move on. She alone knew the truth.
It was almost disturbingly easy to slip into this new way of life, smiling when she felt like crying, laughing when she wanted to scream. Everything reminded her of Kyou and what she had wanted for them but she refused to let it show. Anyone looking at her saw a normal girl, if one a little less prone to laughter than her peers.
Kagura sighed, shifting positions on the bench. It had been five years since then and she knew she had come a long way. She no longer had to pretend to be happy; she actually felt it now. While she still got sad, as was normal, it wasn't the suffocating feeling that it had once been. She had finally managed to move on in all ways . . .except for one. As hard as she tried, as much as she really wanted to, she simply hadn't been able to stop herself from loving Kyou.
And so the day that had been her time to stop pretending became her time to mourn her emotions. Like visiting a lost loved one's grave on the anniversary of their death, she came to this place to visit her lost love. It hadn't been perfect but it had been hers and she missed it. She'd sit on this bench and bring forward all the memories that had stayed quietly in the back of her mind through the year. Sometimes she would smile and sometimes she would cry but that was the point. For this one night, she was allowed to feel everything that she had spent the year denying.
The air seemed to grow slightly colder and Kagura huddled on the bench, wishing she'd thought to bring a sweater. One hand slid into her bag and she pulled out the small thermos she had brought along. The insulating container held only a fraction of the warmth it had had when she left but it was better than nothing. She twisted off the top and poured a small amount of the lukewarm beverage into the lid. Before raising the makeshift cup to her mouth, she tipped it in silent salute to the shadowy memories that were her companions this night.
Slowing sipping her drink, she asked herself, as she always did, what she wanted out of the next year. In the beginning, her answer to herself had always been the same: to have Kyou to love and be loved by him in return. She'd outgrown that answer along with a million hopeless fantasies and wishes. It was much more mature reply that came to mind now, something simple to say but hard to achieve. She wanted to love and be worthy of having that love returned.
Sighing quietly, she tipped her wrist and looked at the glowing hands of her watch. It was just minutes before midnight, the end of her solitary anniversary. When this day faded and the next began, she would pack up her things and head for home, back to the life that was still not quite all that she needed it to be. Another year would pass before this place saw her again, a year where she would continue to celebrate her accomplishments, small as they might be and slow as they might come. And she would go on hoping that just maybe this would be the year that would give her the reason she needed not to come back.
Marked only by the quiet ticking of her watch, time passed and it became another day. Kagura took a moment to appreciate it's passing before gathering her things. Now that her purpose had ended, the coldness of the night seemed to increase and she was eager to start her journey home. Rising to her feet, she took one last look around before gathering her things and setting off.
She was almost at the edge of the park when a hand wrapped around her arm, starling her into crying out. Her thermos slipped from slack fingers, thudding against the ground and rolling to a stop several feet away. She squinted her eyes, desperately trying to make out the stranger's face through the darkness. Kagura heaved a sigh of relief when a familiar voice drifted to her ears.
"I didn't mean to scare you. I thought you heard me calling." Kyou let go of her arm, stuffing his hands into his pockets and stepping back.
"It's not your fault. I was kind of lost in my thoughts," Kagura assured him, bending to retrieve her thermos to buy herself some time. The last person she wanted to run into at that moment was Kyou. Her emotions were still raw, leaving her feeling vulnerable and exposed. With the wrong words, she could shatter five years of carefully built distance and restraint.
Thermos in hand, she straightened. Silence stretched between them as each waited for the other to say something. It was Kyou who finally took the plunge, asking the most obvious question for the moment. "What are you doing out here so late?"
Kagura shrugged, not trusting herself to give more of an answer. His question could have been meant many different ways, from concern to annoyance or accusation. As off balance as she felt, the odds of her interpreting it correctly were slim. Silence seemed a better option than making a fool of herself or angering him.
It was possible that Kyou saw in her non-answer as many meanings as she had his question because he took a long time in speaking again. When he did, he sounded almost hesitant, as though he were choosing his words carefully. "I called your house earlier and Rin said you were out. She also mentioned that you make a late night trip every year on this day." He paused to clear his throat. "I was thinking about it and remembered that this was around the time that we had that talk that time…" He exhaled sharply, raking a hand through his hair.
Kagura smiled, glad that he couldn't see the action through the darkness. Her earlier uneasiness faded slightly, banished by his show of concern. She understood his reason for coming now; he'd been worried that she was sitting in the dark all despondent over something that had happened years ago. Besides a brief twinge at the knowledge that his guess had once been true, she felt a warmth grow inside. After all that they'd been through, that she'd put him through, really, he still cared enough to come looking for her in the middle of the night when he thought something might be wrong.
Happier than she could ever remember being on that date, Kagura decided that the least she could do was be honest with him. Even if she couldn't tell him the whole truth, she felt like he would understand the part of it she was willing to share. "I was actually thinking about the future, not the past." She started walking and Kyou fell into step at her side. "You know, the things that I want to accomplish, the bad habits I want to leave behind."
"Like your own personal New Years?"
She laughed softly. "I never thought of it like that, but yeah, I guess it is."
"So that explains the yearly date, and the hour, but why here? Why not somewhere else? Don't you have …bad memories, or something?"
"That's why this is the best place of all. I've had good times and bad times here, beginnings and endings, laughter and tears. Every time I come, I'm different than I was before. I can think and say 'Right now isn't as happy as it was then, but it's not as bad as that time, either.' Or 'There's a mistake I've managed not to repeat.' It helps me keep perspective on my life, you know?"
Silence came once more as they both sank into their own thoughts. Kagura walked slowly and Kyou seemed happy to keep pace with her. There was a comfortable sort of connection between them in that moment, a bond of shared events and memories. Even though they weren't talking, Kagura felt closer to him than she had in years.
And that, perhaps, was the biggest piece of proof that she had changed. At one time, the thing she wanted the most was for Kyou to come charging after her, proclaiming his love. She'd have given anything to be swept into his arms and kissed breathless, an event that she would have sworn would make her the happiest person alive. Now she was simply walking by his side, not even close enough for their hands to brush and she was more content than she could remember. He had cared enough about her to come and make sure she was okay. It was something any friend or relative might do but because it came from him, the person she had most wronged in her life, it meant the world.
Who would have thought her unhappy anniversary would turn out to be such a good night?
