Daily Entry 06: Clone Battalion Commander CC-4242: (157 Days ABG)
What possessed me to confess the following to Kali'sto before I wrote it down here, I'll never know.
When Geonosis happened, I didn't write about it. When Taun We assigned me to command my own unit. I became one of the best in training, I grew close to my troops as I taught them to follow vague instructions and improvise. Then the Battle of Geonosis sapped the skill out of me. I lost SiSev and his platoon, all thanks to reckless charging. They were chasing a unit of Geonosians into a canyon. I should have ordered them to halt, but instead I gave the go-ahead to continue. They were trapped in the canyon, and the Geonosians could flank my troops. I gave the go-ahead for an air strike, telling SiSev to find a way out. It was in vain, they were all killed in the strike, except for ZooNine, who calls himself Bonfire now.
I had killed my own men. It broke me. I lost touch with them, I couldn't stand the look in their eyes.
At some point, Kali'sto realized something was wrong. Halfway through our trek today, he explained that I felt…wrong in the Force, he sensed some kind of wound within me, and insisted that I tell him.
Eventually, I couldn't stand his prodding anymore. When we made camp, he listened as I ranted about how I felt, how I felt detached from my men, how I was unprepared for what Geonosis had done to me.
He didn't know what to say. He tried to say that they died for a good cause, but his words weren't comforting, they just felt like empty Jedi platitudes, like what the Kaminoans always tried to drill into us.
I seriously regret taking this out on him. This is the first time I've ever lost control and let loose like this. I broke seven regulations regarding courtesy and deference to superior officers. I told him he didn't know what it was like, and that he had no right to lead us.
I can tell that I hurt him. He did his best to maintain composure, to remain calm, but I knew my words struck a nerve. He simply said, "Maybe you're right" and volunteered to take first watch.
After a few hours of sleep, I've calmed down. I simultaneously feel relieved that I got all that off my chest and awful. It's extremely confusing, and I can't make sense of this.
Kali'sto is currently meditating beside me. Based on my chronometer and the absence of the small hints of sunlight that always permeate through the rock levels, we have three hours until sunrise. I estimate that we are two days away from the cruiser.
I owe Kali'sto an apology. But for some reason, I have absolutely no idea what to say.
