AN: Sorry for the wait…hopefully won't happen again. I apologize for the rather large flashback in this chapter- no other way seemed to fit. And I did a bit of planning on this and I suspect that there will be two more chapters after this.
Thanks for the reviews.
Chapter 2: Lying Away
"The past is not a package one can lay away."- Emily Dickinson
They both sit on her couch now. The tension hasn't necessarily receded, but it's easier to manage now. She finally has changed from her gown into pajamas, as has he, and with his comforting arm around her waist, she feels a bit stronger, a bit more able to face the world- the past.
The past.
Funny how something you think is gone, something you've already gotten through, tends to rear its ugly head at what should be the best moment in your life.
Should be.
Because, let's face it, having your boyfriend propose to you should be amazing, wonderful, a whole list of adjectives that express superlatives of positive feeling. But...it's not. More like it's horrifying and scary and terrible and a whole list of adjectives that express superlatives of negative feeling.
She doesn't deserve it.
She doesn't deserve him.
Because, face it, she's just going to screw it up- like she's screwed up everything else.
It's not fair...
What is?
What is fair in life?
Nothing. Absolutely, positively nothing is fair in life.
Doesn't mean you have to be happy about it, though...
He's staring at her concernedly and she realizes that, once again, she's gotten lost in her thoughts. It's been happening more and more often, she notices. Maybe because she's so afraid of the future and fate and all that messy stuff she'd rather not think of. Because she knows that it's not going to end well- it never does. And so when things should be going great, and she should be ridiculously happy like a woman who, well, just had her boyfriend propose to her- she's not.
And she never will be.
It rather sucks.
The brown cardboard box she took from the back of the highest shelf in her closet is now sitting in front of them, a pulsing reminder of the chasm between them. It's just a box. Cardboard, tattered, not that heavy. It's stupid that she's afraid of it.
But she is.
She's terrified of it- of what it contains.
Her past...
She's never been able to escape it.
First, it comes up on the job. How she does ache for the wronged children, the abused families that they wrong across? It's a punch to the gut, a fist in the mirror of her past. Second, whenever she receives one of those few, seldom, far-in-between calls from her brother, she's reminded. Third, just looking into a mirror reminds her- because she is a creation of her past- isn't she?
Isn't everyone?
But...
Now it's worse. Because now- now there's a fourth reason she's forever reminded of her torturous past.
Him.
Greg.
Her...fiancé?
...Can she call him that?
Is she allowed to?
He- he offered her the ring, and she knows that he meant it. In his eyes, he feels that they're ready for it all- ready for marriage, ready for love and the future- and the past, because the past, no matter what you want to think, is always casting a shadow on the future. It's our past that makes us, right? It's our past that shapes us and while Greg has had a decent past and a nice and welcoming family, she...she's never had that.
She never will.
"This...this box," she finally whispers, "it's all the reminders I have of my childhood and time at Harvard. I didn't keep very much," her face twists into a wry smile. "I didn't want to. But..." she stops, takes a breath, "now I have to face it..."
He says nothing and she is infinitely thankful.
He understands her.
He loves her.
It's just what she needs, isn't it?
If only she can allow herself...
Bad people- people like her- they're not meant to be happy. She's learned that by now. And while yes, the last months with him have been wonderful- it has to end sometime, doesn't it? Somehow, somewhere, sometime...
Somewhere there's a place for us...
The familiar- and haunting- melody plays in her head. She always loved the musical, though she had no real musical ability herself.
"Sara?" His voice is quiet in her ear, his hand rubs her back, his entire presence soothes her...
But it also wakes her from her reminiscing, reminding her that there is a purpose to this...
"Sorry- I'm just having a hard time...dealing with this," she finally decides on the words.
"I'm here for you."
His words are simple. Four words, four syllables. Very similar to the four words he asked her previously, but with an infinitely different meaning.
Instead of scaring her, these lull her.
She can trust him.
It has taken her awhile to get to this point- but finally, she can trust him.
It is a security blanket for her.
"I know." Her voice catches in her throat and she fights back tears. "Oh Greg, I know."
And she reaches into the box.
It's a photo she takes out, in a gilded silver frame. A couple, smiling for the camera, dressed in wedding finery. Only after examining them for a few minutes could you notice the fact the smiles were rather forced, and that both parties seemed a bit...uneasy about their new union.
Uneasy is an understatement.
"I suppose...I should start at the beginning."
And with Greg's comforting hand on her back, his other hand clutching hers, and his gentle smile- she feels she has the strength to begin.
"It was my first week at Harvard. And during the first session of my English Composition class, this guy comes dashing into the room right before the lesson started and asked to sit down next to me..."
"May I sit here?" He flashes a grin and Sara can't help but nod her head and scoots over a smidgen. He's good-looking, not that it really matters, with straight black hair cut neatly and green eyes. She's never seen him before, but isn't this what College is about? After the lesson, he asks her name, where she's from and if she'd like to be in a study group with him.
She agrees.
His name is Max- Maxwell Dayes- and he's funny and charming and he's different than all the other boys she's ever met- in high school or out of it. He isn't too thrilled with sports, he's studying to be a doctor, he hates cats but loves dogs and he's very smart. At the study groups, he's got a quick eye and ear, retains information easily and makes everyone laugh.
He asks her out. It's been a couple of weeks and she's gotten to know him and while she's surprised that he'd ask her out- she accepts. Lacey, her roommate, is thrilled, squealing about how wonderful Max is and how lucky she is and does she know anything about the Dayes family? And oh, to be dating one of them... She has been clueless. And when they go out later that night, him wearing chinos and a nice shirt and she in an expensive dress Lacey has let her borrow, she looks for signs. The way he carries himself, the way he treats her as a woman, the way he orders at the restaurant- it all makes sense now.
It doesn't matter to her.
He's simply Max, the man she thinks she's falling in love with.
One day, they're sitting on a picnic blanket under leafy trees and he brings up his family. His cousin had a baby and would she like to come visit? She pleads out, citing an important project due soon, which she really needs to start on. And it's true- she really is busy that weekend. He smiles at her and shakes his head and states that if she can't come and meet his family in person, then he'll just have to tell her about them.
She learns about his brother Zack, who just graduated law school and is now currently walking in his grandfather's law firm. There's Dan, who's a Junior in High School and captain of the Debate Team, and star of the swim team. He has a sister, Marian, who's currently spending her senior year of College in Paris. She's an art major and works part time at the Louvre for experience and is engaged to a man she met there, Etienne. His mother is simply a house-wife, though she's known in their 'circles' as a talented events planner. She sits on different committees and various charities. His father is a lawyer, at the same firm as his grandfather and brother.
She likes learning of his family. It's a different world than what she's used to- living in the system. It's a gateway into another world, really. So she listens attentively when he speaks of his cousin, Christina, who had the baby, and his grandparents and another cousin of his, Jake, who lives in London and was his childhood best friend until he moved there. She can even forget about her own family, when learning about his.
That is, until he actually asks her.
She's frozen in fear when he turns to her and inquires about her parents and family.
"They're dead," she finally says, for her father truly is dead and her mother is dead to her. The wound has just barely closed- after five years in the foster care system, she's finally making something of herself and can begin to forget her origins. But he's asking her about their deaths and it's like pulling off a newly formed scab- hurts as much, too- and she decides that it would just be best if she lied, because does it really even matter?
"They died in an accident."
"I'm sorry," he says, and she can see in his eyes that he truly is sorry and this hurts even more. Because she hates lying, especially to those she loves (the very few, that is) and she knows that this isn't some little lie- this is a large one. This one won't just go away in time, like lying to Lacey about her shoes the other night (Lacey may be able to pull off almost anything- but turquoise heels aren't one of them). This one matters
She has no choice.
"Do you have any other family," he asks, taking a sip of the water he's packed. He always drinks water. It's a little quirk of his that she likes to tease him about, because he always pushes her to order other things to drink when they go out, while he stays with his water.
She decides that she shouldn't lie anymore. "A brother," she confesses, her eyes downcast. "But we aren't close- he left after my parents...died. And an aunt and uncle."
"That's nice," he replies, and she can tell that he's only really just trying to be sympathetic and can't think of anything else to say.
She doesn't blame him.
The weeks go on and months pass and it's now nearing Christmas, when the unexpected happens. They've been dating since the middle of October and it's their two-month anniversary. He's making a big deal out of it, claiming that two months is special and that they're going to go somewhere very elegant and does she need to go shopping for the appropriate dress and jewelry? She claims that she doesn't need anything- but one day when coming out of her math course, Lacey grabs her and spirits her away to shop, saying that Max had filled her in on the evening and Sara really does need to look absolutely gorgeous- not that she already isn't- and like it or not, they're going shopping.
Lacey pays for everything, refusing to take any cash from Sara. She says that Max covered it all and Sara should just sit back and relax and let the salon do the work to her face and hair. They've already gotten a gown and the shoes and the purse- Lacey claims that every formal dress has to have a matching purse and Sara is too bewildered to argue- and somehow she allowed Lacey to maneuver her into a beauty salon. She feels ridiculous on one hand, but also like a princess. This isn't...Sara, she decides, but it's fun to dress up and play the role for a night.
She doesn't realize what the night entails.
It's an expensive restaurant and she feels a bit uncomfortable. But Max seems so at home in it and she doesn't want to disturb him. She really does care for him, and she's committed herself to making this work. It isn't until he gets down on his knees at the end of the meal that she has any inkling that he's been planning something more...
He asks her to marry him.
Without thinking, she agrees.
It isn't until months later that she wonders what would have happened, had she actually thought about it first. Would she still have said yes? She did believe at the time that she loved him. But there is more to a marriage than love, and at the time, she just wasn't...thinking clearly.
She was even more stupid when he decided that he wanted to get married as soon as possible, so that she could home with him as his wife- and she agreed.
Hindsight's twenty/twenty after all, and her eyes at the time were clouded by what seemed to be love.
She highly doubts that she was ever in love with him- but now it's too late.
By the time she accepted his proposal, it was too late.
It took them a week to make plans. They were both of legal age and he asked John, a friend of his, to be best-man. Lacey was her maid-of-honor, they had the school minister officiate. At the time, she still had the Roman Catholic roots she had been brought up with- both her parents had been devout Catholics (which made their situation even stranger)- and he was protestant, but didn't mind marrying in the Catholic church. There was no time for the normal pomp and circumstance, they simply showed up at the Chapel one evening after Mass and requested that they be married right then and there. She did wear white and he was in a suit, but the photograph was taken by an Altar boy and the certificate was signed Lacey and John as witnesses.
She is now Sara Michelle Dayes.
Surprisingly, she isn't as happy as she should be.
They don't have a honeymoon- there's only a week left of classes until Christmas Break, anyway. She moves into his apartment (he has his own) and tries to... be a wife- though she's not very certain what it means. They're both busy that last week and are unable to come up with a routine for their new life together. Sometimes she wonders if that's why they failed- because they lacked the foundation then. Then she decides that they lacked the foundation of their relationship- that they never should have married in the first place.
It's too late to do anything now.
They climb in his car after they finish on Friday and they drive to his parents'. It's a sprawling mansion, gorgeous, tasteful, and completely out of her league. He senses her hesitation and squeezes her hand, whispering in her ear that his family will love her and she needn't worry- they're married.
He's wrong.
His family is pleasant to her, but the warmth she craves is noticeably absent. She just doesn't seem to fit in with them... His mother, Laura (and she almost laughs at the irony of it), is miffed that she missed out on seeing her son marry- and on planning the event. Richard takes it in stride, but pretty much ignores her. Marian mentions how she was sure that Max was going to marry Elizabeth, his girlfriend throughout high school. And why, Elizabeth is even going to be visiting for Christmas and she was almost hoping that Max and Liz would rekindle their romance- there really was no reason to break it off, when Liz went to Smith and Max to Harvard.
Sara tries to avoid Marian for the rest of her stay.
Dan's pleasant enough to her, but he's caught up in his high-school life and spends his time either with friends or up in his room. Zack's a bit standoffish, though Sara thinks that it's probably just his personality- and he's not trying to be that way to her. The grandparents are in Italy- at least one set is- and the other set is in London, visiting Jake. Christina, the new mother, is also visiting Jake (he's her brother) and the rest of the extended family is also scattered about and while yes, Christmas with the Dayes family is grand and luxurious, it really doesn't seem to...fit Sara.
Her discomfort rises by the minute.
When she begins to throw up on Christmas Day, things take a turn for the worst.
She's miserable. Max tries to be comforting, but he's distracted by his family and she tells him to leave her be- that she'll manage on her own. She wants to go back to Harvard, she wants to talk to Lacey, she wants to do something to relieve the nausea.
She sleeps through most of the festivities, and it isn't until evening that she feels a bit better and decides to get up. She meanders through the hallways, until she ends up in the living room with the rest of the family.
Family. For the first time in years, she finally has a family.
Pity that they don't really seem to care for her.
She seeks out Max, noticing him on the loveseat, laughing. There's a woman next to him, a pretty blonde, who is in conversation with Marian and Sara just knows that this must be the 'Liz' everyone seems to be crazy about.
She vomits on the floor.
In an instant, Max is at her side and leading her towards a free chair. He's concerned- she can see it on his face- and this makes her feel even worse. She isn't used to having people truly care about her. Even Laura and Richard are asking about her health, and while some maid clears away the vomit, Marian has retrieved a blanket and drapes it over her.
Perhaps the family isn't as aloof as she thought.
She begins to hope.
"I'm Elizabeth Carter." Elizabeth is suddenly standing in front of her.
Max intervenes. "This is Sara, Liz."
It hurts that he didn't call her his wife.
"Hi," she says weakly.
"You know, you remind me of someone..." Liz studies her. "You just got sick today, right? And while you're not throwing up- how do you feel?"
"Sick."
Liz has a tittering laugh and Sara is reminded of nails on a chalkboard. "Of course. But I mean- you were feeling better earlier, right? And it's not food poisoning, because everyone else is perfectly fine. So it has to just be you."
"And..." Max again. "Come on, Liz. It's just the stomach bug."
"No, I don't think so," Liz turns to address Laura. "I think Sara's got what Megan had last year."
This apparently means something to everyone else and Sara is- once again- left out. Max has gone white, Dan rolls his eyes, Zack chuckles and Laura has her smile painted on. "I'm sure you're wrong, Elizabeth. It can't possibly be-"
"Well, at least ask her," Liz retorts. "Sara, is there a chance you might be pregnant
Damn.
