AN:
I'm sorry for taking this long. Finishing high school, getting
ready for Uni, having an extremely crazy summer- a summer I thought
I could spend writing- I just couldn't get to this chapter until
now. But it's here now and it's also the final chapter. There
will be an epilogue (I think, at least), but still… this is
the last main chapter and I hope you enjoy it.
Chapter 3: The Brightest Day
The brightest day that ever I saw,
coming for to carry me home,
when Jesus washed my sins away,
coming for to carry me home.
- "Swing Low, Sweet Chariot"
He technically has a right to ask questions. They are together, after all, and since she has finally revealed a union he previously had no idea of, it would be quite normal for him to ask about it.
But he doesn't, and it makes her love him even more.
He knows her.
He gets her.
He doesn't rush her, force her, take away any freedoms. He just sits silently and patiently, waiting for her to continue at her own pace.
She traces the glass with her fingers, outlining the figures. His arm around her, his comforting breath in her ear- she feels empowered, able to go on.
"I wasn't," she whispers, her fingers stopping on her smiling face- forced smile, it's so obvious now- was that marriage ever really valid? "It was probably the scariest experience of my life. I don't know what a baby would have done to us, to the marriage. Kept us together, probably. But...for how long? And it- well," she bites her lip, "it really wouldn't have been living, a real marriage. The entire...experience- it just seems like a dream. Seemed like a dream, even then. He was my white knight, rescuing me from a life of squalor, bringing me into a life of riches...and then the fairy tale shattered."
Tears begin to form in her eyes, and she takes a few breaths, matching her own breathing to his. She needs some conformity now, some comfort, love.
She never really experienced it before.
"Liz was so sure, and then Laura and Marian caught on, and I just stood there frozen, unable to protest. They called the doctor, and he came and examined me and I felt so..." she hesitates, searching for the right word, "not really violated, but still uncomfortable. I guess I felt as if the baby wasn't ever really mine. But then he took blood and examined my urine and declared that I was just "out of sorts", under stress and that I should take it easy for a few days and I'd be good as new. No baby on the way for me.
"Their faces...it was as if it was suddenly my fault that I wasn't pregnant. Like I had paid the doctor to say it, that I didn't want the child. And...no, I didn't- but it wasn't my fault- it was out of my control! Liz was the one who started it, who put the idea in everyone's mind...and it almost felt like a betrayal, on my part. That I had purposefully betrayed them by marrying Max, but then not getting pregnant right away..."
The memories stab at her, they pierce her skin like shards of glass. The way Marian refused to be alone with her, to acknowledge her unless it was absolutely necessary. Laura purposefully bringing up her family, as if she wasn't worthy to be married to Max- the way Laura kept on bringing up grandchildren and how nice it would have been to have a grandchild under the Christmas tree the next year...
She wanted to get on a plane, return to Harvard. Spend Christmas in the dorms, alone with only the snow for company. Attend Mass at the chapel, reflect on the last year, think about her future- not as Sara Dayes, but as Sara herself.
But she couldn't.
And...she couldn't force Max away from his family, not at Christmas.
Was it wrong that a large part of her just wanted to return without him? Go back alone?
Yes.
He was her husband.
She couldn't abandon him. They had made sacred vows, she couldn't ignore them, cast them away.
No matter how much she wanted to that Christmas.
Greg's whispering to her, calming her down. She doesn't realize that she's begun to sob, her face wet and red with tears. The past...is past. It should be left behind. But somehow, no matter how hard she tries- she never quite manages to leave it locked away. It always ends up coming out, throwing her life into disarray.
She's so exhausted.
She doesn't want to fight it anymore, she doesn't want to pretend.
You wouldn't have to, with Greg. He accepts you, he doesn't want you to change.
But accepting Greg- marrying him- that would just set her up for heartbreak again, wouldn't it? Marriage is supposed to be for eternity. And she's already proved that the sanctity doesn't really mean anything, when put into practice. The sanctity, the sacred act- it's just for show, because it's so easy to break...
"We lasted till March, until I got up the nerve to tell him to forget the façade- and not to worry about it. I spent the rest of the holiday sitting in the background, just watching the rest of the family interact. And while Max did give an effort to be nice to me, to help me out, to be a husband- I could tell that his heart- and mine- just weren't in it. We were unsure of ourselves, unsure of how to act, how to be affectionate, how to be married. And then I'd watch him with Liz, and he was just so natural with her, like he used to be with me, before we got married, except that it went the extra distance. He'd do little things, like place his hand at her back, or move a lock of hair, or touch her hand, or lean towards her for no apparent reason..."
And there it hits her. This affection Max had for Liz- the way he cared for her, watched over her, seemed to get her- she's had it herself. She's had it for the last months, with Greg. That fairy tale existence she thought she'd get with Max, before her hopes were dashed- she got it. She was the fairy tale princess rescued from squalor, rescued by her white knight who grabbed her up and saved her and taught her to love and live again.
It's just more...metaphorical now. Life itself has turned from being so black and white to being a nice pasty shade of grey. Things do make sense- just not on the level- or dimension, really- that she thought they did.
His arms are cradling her, his head is next to hers, his form is protecting hers from the emotional effects the picture had on her. He's what she always wanted, what she had, but did not realize she had.
It's...enlightening.
It's a weight off her shoulders, a piece breaking off from the dam that holds in her emotions.
It's her undoing, but in the best way possible.
Because, for the first time, she thinks that it might, just might, actually work.
She has a chance.
A chance to move on, to be brought home- to what home really is- a place where your loved-ones are. A place she never had, before now.
And with this knowledge, she feels she can go on, safe in his arms, safe at home.
"It was so obvious that Marian was right- that Max really did belong with Liz. I wasn't bitter, I think I understood... he didn't expect to see her again, he thought he should make a fresh start. And I do know that on a certain level, he did care for me. Not as a wife, no, but at least as a friend. But after returning to school, and going through the motions of being married, and with that horrible Christmas at the back of our minds...I- we couldn't take it anymore. It's not easy, getting a marriage annulled in the Church- but as we explained to the priest, the reason we wanted the annulment was because neither of us really understood marriage- what marriage should be. And with little trouble, by April we were both separate parties again, both by law and by the Church."
She takes a breath, but she knows that this part is going to be easy, because it's just stating facts. And she's always been good at stating facts. "We ran into each other several times at Harvard, but were nothing more than friends. After we both graduated, we never saw each other afterwards. I put the marriage- and relationship, if it could be called that- behind me, locked it away in my memories and hid the actual relics away, out of sight. Out of sight, out of mind, I guess, and I really haven't thought much about him in the last fifteen years."
"Until now." He finally intercedes, curling her fingers within his.
"Until now," she adds, enjoying the feeling.
They sit in comfortable silence, letting their thoughts settle, taking time to mull over the evening's events.
However, finally, he stirs, his arms still around her, his chin resting on her head.
"What now," he asks, his voice quiet, careful not to wake the undead.
"What now", she whispers in agreement. It's a good question, with all that went on that night. And the old Sara would have taken up the argument again, refusing. She wasn't ready to get married again, to let someone else into her heart, to her soul. She never would be, ever the pity, and she would miss out on an entire lifetime of happiness, and family, and love.
But this Sara...she's not as closed. She's not exactly looking for change, to open up once again. But she's not quite so against it and she's willing to give it a chance- to give it time.
And time's all this relationship really needs, right?
Time for her to forgive herself, to close off the chapter in her life. Time to learn to open her heart and mind to another person, and to accept their heart and soul in turn.
So it's with a hesitant, but open heart, that she turns to him, her eyes locking with his, as she gives her answer.
"Time, Greg. Time to adjust, to learn, to open up. And then we'll see what the future might bring."
