Lost Without You

JISA/ONE SHOT/LISA POV/ sets in after the end of S12/E10/All Hearts Lead Home – The recent events of the day have brought up unpleasant thoughts Lisa needs to deal with. Will she be able to talk to Jack about it and carry on with their life?


Here is another little story for your joy. I started this story months ago when I had those pictures in my head and felt like I needed to write it down somewhere. Not sure yet, if it will only be this chapter or if I will add one more later on. The story "home is where the heart is" is still unfinished – I know. Right now I'm just not feeling it, but I try to finish it as soon as I can.

As always excuse any grammatical or spelling mistakes – English is not my native language.

In episode 10 of season 12 I have always understood the course of events this way – Jack grieves at the river, Tim and Lisa find him, they get him checked through by a doctor, they come back to HL, Jack and Lisa sit on the porch, Jack and Tim have a talk, the day comes to an end. That's where this story sets in.


Tired. That's what she was. Tired and exhausted, yet also somewhat peaceful inside. Peaceful with yet something else heavy that stung in her gut. That day literally had been an emotional roller coaster. She could feel it in every corner of her body. Lisa didn't remember the last time she had been in such a state. In such an inner turmoil.

Coming home from Istanbul after three months made her so excited. She wanted to surprise Jack with her return, knowing that their contact over the time had been sparsely. Yeah, the wish to talk to him longer and more frequently on the phone had often been drowned down by the present circumstances in Istanbul. The time shift stood in their way of contacting each other and so was aunt Evelyn.

Her aunt had been extremly ill and needed a lot of attention. Lisa was glad that she had made the decision to travel to Turkey to be with her. She needed her help. However, the sacrifice Lisa had to make was big and painful. She already noticed this three months ago on the very day as she stood on the driveway saying her farewells to her husband. And only now she realized that this sacrifice had been even bigger and more painful than she assumed the first time. Leaving Jack for that long had been a huge mistake. He had not only been confused but seemed to be quite dispirited and lost.

Her travels had always accompanied their relationship. From the beginning on she had been more abroad than she was here at home. With the time and progress of their relationship the journeys have become shorter and especially with their marriage Lisa made sure to travel less. She knew that it had always taken a toll on them to be apart that much and with the failing plan to move to Europe full time, Heartland had become her beloved home. She loved to be here with the family. She loved her life here and the urge to travel became less and less. Lisa had to admit that even her age was a reason why she liked to stay closer to home these days and spend the time with the people that made her life so precious.

Now with that journey to Istanbul the stay there had become longer and longer. Three months, it shot through her head and again a guilty feeling spread its barren wings through her body. Of course this long time apart left her husband confused and their relationship chipped. Lisa hated herself for jeopardizing her marriage this way. She hated herself for not taking his calls more often, she hated that she allowed herself to be so distracted by her aunt and by the excitement about the new country. She hated herself that she wasn't there for Jack. He needed her, too, Tim had said earlier and only those few words made her heart bleed in pain and regret. Regret that she wasn't there for him in his grief about Will Vernon. Regret that she almost lost him. Yes, she almost lost him.

Lisa inhaled deeply at this plain thought and looked at her reflection in the mirror of the ranch's little bathroom. The once so even lines on her young face had changed over the years. After all the heartbreaks and worries even they started to show the first signs of age. Not remarkably much but now with the recent worries they have become deeper – something that would disappear from her beautiful face once she found peace again. However, right now Lisa watched her inner troubled state being reflected in the gloomy shade of her once so blue eyes, the pinched lips and the furrow on her forehead.

She almost lost him and if she had, she would have never forgiven herself for not being there with him. For being somewhere around the world instead, travelling with her aunt.
Tim was right. The question of who was more important to her needed to be answered. Especially as they grew older.
Jack had lost a dear friend. Another name on that poor list. How much more time would pass until his own name appeared on that list, too? How much more time would they still have left together? Wasn't it more important to spend that time together instead of being away for three months?

Lisa sighed heavily, ripped her eyes from her sorry reflection and opened the faucet to let the cold water run over her hands. With some twisting she checked on the temperature until the water was nice and warm and massaged her skin camly. For a few minutes she just let it run over her hands, feeling the trouble slowly being tamed by it. A handful of water found its way into her face. It felt good and refreshing and cracked open the heavy cloud in her head. She had really lost herself in thoughts about that day while getting ready for the night.

With the noises outside the bathroom Lisa finally found her way out of those trains of thoughts and back into the present. Jack was still busy doing the dishes before they would turn in as well. The family had already told their goodnights an hour ago and left the couple sitting in the living room where they watched the flames dancing to a silent rhythm behind the screens of the fireplace.

Lisa hadn't said much. Instead, she attentively listened to her husband's low voice while he got himself deeper and deeper into the memories of Will Vernon. The hurtful topic about Will's death hadn't been easily brought up, but carefully Lisa had urged Jack to tell her more about him, purposefully choosing her questions and after a short hesitant start he kept telling stories about the past while a faint smile accompanied his words.
Lisa knew that he needed that. To talk about his friend and to let the good memories win over the sadness and grief.

Now it was already late. The little clock above the bathroom door told her that it was shortly after eleven o'clock and she slightly wondered how they had managed to stay up that long after all. The day had been packed with so many things and even more emotions. In addition the jet lag also started to kick in now. It really was time to call it a day and get some sleep.

Quick movements got Lisa ready for bed now. She brushed her teeth and washed off all the emotional stains the day had left on her. When she stepped outside, Jack just switched off the lights in the kitchen and walked into the living room as well. They faintly smiled at each other before making their silent way into the bedroom.

Wordlessly they changed into their pyjamas, moving around the room confidently, sunken in their own minds. From the back of her head Lisa caught a few melodic snippets from a song that was new to her, but after a few failed attempts to bring them into the right order, she recognized them to be the little tune Jack played on the porch this evening. As not only the melody got clearer in her head but also the words lived up, a warm feeling embraced her heart now. She smiled to herself, almost found herself humming to the song she suddenly knew as if she had heard it a thousand times before. The song that was about life, about love, losing and about finding back together again – something that told their story in such a fitting way. Something they had been through more than once. Something they shouldn't go through again. Her mood started to darken up again as the thoughts of leaving and farewell reentered her mind.

When Lisa started to lift the duvet on her side of the bed, she caught him staring at her from the other side with his trustful, old eyes. He was just standing there, watching her.

"What?", she asked with a subtle smile in the corner of her mouth, always feeling touched by that look he gave her. It made her feel so special and loved.

"I really missed that.", he spoke softly and Lisa instantly understood that he referred to her being back in this room and they turning in for the night together. Like they always did. Yes, she had missed that, too.

Her smile widened and with a quick glance down onto the mattress she made her way across the bed on her knees to come to a halt close in front of him, her hands resting on his shoulders.

The emotions in his eyes had deepened by her approach and reached all the way into her heart. She loved that man and this long time absence had proven once again how less she could imagine a life without him.

Smoothly her face slid into his open palm as she leaned in for the kiss they both longed for. As old lovers that knew their way around their lips met in complete ease and stayed joined together for a sweet little while to take in this feeling of reunion.

When they drew back slowly, his hand stayed around her face, caressing the skin on her cheek with his thumb.

"I missed that, too.", it came across her lips like a summer's breeze – light and soft and filled with warmth.
Again they both smiled faintly at each other, yet this time there was this knowing sparkle in their eyes. Knowing that despite her long absence and his confusion about their state – that they were truly okay.

The little bedside lamp was still throwing its steady light cone into the room when Jack and Lisa settled into bed, snuggled into their sheets to find a comfortable position to finally fall asleep after this long and rough day. Yet, although quietness dropped in again, no one felt that it was time to turn off the lamp. There was still something hovering above them and Lisa noticed that obviously she wasn't the only one that would have trouble sleeping without it getting off her mind first. With a side glance up at her husband who lay on his back next to her, Lisa saw that his eyes were absentmindedly set on a spot at the ceiling.

"You know, you really scared the heck out of me up there at the river.", Lisa heard herself saying, not knowing from where she took the courage to address this heavy topic, but guessed that it was the current close distance to her husband, the late hour and the sincere desire to find peace tonight.

"It made me realize something.", she carried on and achieved to have him look down at her.

"Like what?", he wanted to know and before Lisa found the right words for an answer she pushed herself slightly up from her side position, elbow propped onto the mattress and her head resting on her hand. Her eyes examined his face closely, tracing the familiar lines with this invisible touch while searching for a right way to explain what was sitting on her soul so dark and massy. Something she had never told anyone in words – not even herself.

"I realized that I could never go on without you."
"Lis'..."

"And I don't even know if I want to."

Yeah, it was that last confession that was new to them. To her hearing those dangerous words crossing her lips and for him hearing his wife saying such a thing at all.

This time Jack pulled himself up as well, a sigh followed his movements as he settled more into his pillow, hands in his lap and looking at her with a mixture of hurt and sincerity.

"Don't talk like this, Lisa. Life is beautiful and if there is one person that's always loved life, it's you."

"You have become a very big part of what I love about my life. What is left when I don't have you in it anymore?"

The moment they looked at each other closely felt like an eternity and again parts of the song replayed in her head.
The verse 'when you said goodbye, I lost the love of my life' was the most prominent that stuck in repeat mode. Over and over it run through her head. She saw the picture of him sitting on the porch bench, playing the guitar, singing softly and having this glimmer in her eyes that had touched her heart so deeply.

"I meant what I said earlier, I really don't know what I would do without you.", Lisa emphasized with a meaningful tone in her voice while Jack still held her gaze. Patiently, calmly and also with a somewhat sad expression.

"I hope you find love again."

Her eyes widened, her head subtly shook in bewilderment.
"Jack, no. I couldn-"
"Hear me out.", he interrupted her and took her free hand in his. "You know that I lost Lyndy way too soon and, between you and me, I often found myself closer to that feeling of giving up than anybody should know. ... I was lost ...and most of all couldn't see myself with anybody else than her. … Until you came around ... boy, what would I have missed.", he lifted their united hands to his lips to place a soft kiss onto her fingers.
"In you I found my last chance to love again and I want to thank you so much for putting up with an old cowboy like me day after day.", together they shared a slight chuckle, knowing that building up their relationship had been far from easy.
"You are beautiful, Lisa. In every little way. A man would be stupid to not see that. You just have to be open for it to happen and let someone in. I don't want you grieving over me for the rest of your life. You deserve to find this last chance of love and become happy again. You deserve this so much...", again he dropped a kiss on her hand, still holding her gaze. The sadness was gone. Left was love that shone bright in his grey eyes.

"There is no one like you, Jack Bartlett.", she whispered emotional, her voice cracked in the middle of the sentence, tears pooled up in her eyes. The next moment she already found herself being pulled into his comforting embrace where her face sunk into his chest and her arms snaked tightly around his waist. Right now Lisa wasn't sure what thought was worse: to be without him or to be with someone else. Both options felt so wrong.

"For what it's worth I realized something up there, too."
"Yeah?", Lisa sniffed and moved to rest her head sideways on his chest. She could hear his heart beating. After the heart attack a couple years back, his heartbeat has become one of her favourite sounds. The soothing noise of life. Right beneath her ear. The rhythmic feel of his heart working, pumping life through his veins. Making him alive. Making sure he was still with her. She had missed that sound over the last three months.

"I felt lonely... but I wasn't and I never have been."

Again she moved to be able to look up at him from her position. "I should have never left you for so long and I promise I won't do it again...". There was no more honesty that could have been put into words. No, she would never been gone for that long again. If there was still some travelling to do every once in a while wich were just part of her job, Lisa didn't know yet. However, besides of keeping those business travels as short as possible, she was certain of one more thing: "I would be lost without you."

With a soft stroke of his fingers some strands of hair found their way back behind her ear which also passed on some understanding and empathy. They both knew that they couldn't stop life from going, from giving and also taking away.

"Let's enjoy life for what it is right now.", Jack said encouraging.
"Definitely.", she agreed "And right now I am super tired."
They laughed at that sudden turn of topics and true emotional state they both felt in every bone of their bodies. And while he slid back into a level position, she lay back down on his shoulder and Jack reached over to finally turn of the bedside lamp that had not only provided them with light but also with a warm atmosphere which had guided them through this late talk.